Everybody Loves Raymond s03e02 Episode Script

Everybody's asleep.
- Good.
- Wanna play Candyland? What? The kid's game? Not if you're naked.
Ray, come on! This is gonna be worse if I leave it.
You're suppose to leave it.
That's the Let-it-sit rule.
Right? I love that rule.
Yeah, I never should have taught you that.
Woo! Never should've taught you that either.
Get away from me! Hey! We're in here! - Occupied! - What is going on? Big shot cop here wants to give me a ticket! I don't want to, I have to! End of the month, he's got a quota.
You hit my patrol car! I'm your father! I don't care if I killed a guy! You're suppose to look the other way.
Right? Dad, whatever you do I wanna look the other way.
I can't look the other way anymore.
You drive like a maniac.
Frank, how did you hit Robert's patrol car? My partner comes to pick me up and Dad backs out of the driveway without looking.
- The car shouldn't have been there! - On the street? Call it a hit and run.
Say you never saw the guy! - I can't lie on the police report.
- Why not? Because I have a moral obligation as a police officer and I almost got caught for lying for you the last time! Now let me see your license! Sorry, Sally, I'm fighting this! There is black and white on the side of your car! I hit a penguin! I'm writing the ticket! That's Barone! B- a-r-o-n-e! As in the man from whose loins you sprung! By the way I hope you have someplace else to sleep tonight! Because if you try to come home, I'm gonna have you arrested for breaking and entering! Does that couch pull out? Wow! Did you do that yourself? They're coming! So if Dad doesn't pay this ticket, is there gonna be a court date? 'Cause I would take off of work for that.
I might just give him a warning.
Oh, wussy-wus-wus.
Come on, you got a chance to get even with this guy! I don't know.
What do you mean you don't know? Remember what he's done to us? Remember "Guess that smell"? Yeah? The killing of the tooth fairy? Liver week? Liver week was my fault.
Would have been one night if I just could have swallowed it.
Ray? Listen, I've decided I don't want Frank - driving the kids anymore.
- What? I don't want him driving the kids.
Makes me uncomfortable.
- Because of the swearing? - Because of the driving! He's not a safe driver.
Yeah, well I can't tell him he can't drive his own grandkids around.
Why not? He's too aggressive.
That's why I can't tell him.
I can't believe how your whole family protects Frank! You know? He's got everybody so intimidated.
Good for you Robert, for giving him that ticket.
Yeah, well, he's just giving him a warning.
Well I can't live over here forever.
Can I? No.
- Then it's just a warning! - Wuss! - You're the wuss! - How am I the wuss? - Let me show you how you're the wuss! - All right! - Bring it! - Okay, okay! You know, he's right.
At least Robert stood up to Frank.
You on the other hand, would put your own children in jeopardy just to avoid an embarrassing conversation.
Hey, our kids are not in jeopardy.
How do we know Robert isn't the one who caused that accident? It's liver week again! God.
I'm doing that one.
For three innings.
Who wants to go to the Happy Zone? I do! Then get in the car.
And I hope your Dad gave you some quarters 'cause I'm not the bank.
You know, I forgot it was Happy Zone day.
Every other Saturday.
That's what you wanted, wasn't it? A day without the kids so you could catch up on the cleaning? Maybe we should do it more often.
Last one in the car is a rotten egg! Um, Ally? Yeah wait, honey! Um, Ray, maybe you should go with them to the Happy Zone.
No, no.
When everybody goes, then this becomes the Happy Zone.
Yeah, well, maybe you should just go anyway.
You know? You take the kids so they won't mess up Frank's car.
Well, I'm not so picky now that Robert got his stupid cop paint on it.
- Now you see, everything's fine.
- Come on, Marie! Ray, maybe you're not hearing me.
I'm hearing you make trouble.
I got juice for everyone.
Here we go.
Ray? Ray? Ray? - Ray wants to drive.
- I didn't say that! Okay, fine.
I'll go to the Happy Zone.
They may not let you in with that attitude.
Okay, Mommy's driving.
- Then why the hell am I going? - Because it will be fun! It'll give us all a chance to spend more time together! I thought the point was to give you a day off? Not that I ever got a day off.
You can take off anytime.
- That's it.
I'm riding with Debra.
- Then who's going with me? All right! Marie, you take my car and drive the kids.
I'll ride with Frank.
I want to talk to him anyway.
All right! Look! I'll drive with my father, okay? You go with Debra and the kids in our car and this way there doesn't need to be any talking.
Why are you going? Why? Because I shouldn't miss out on the happiness.
- Hi, Grandpa! - Yeah, yeah.
See, now there's a line for skeeball.
We're screwed! - Where have you been? - We ran into traffic.
It wasn't traffic, Dad.
It was a funeral procession.
One less idiot in the world.
That's a terrible thing to say.
You don't even know the person.
We met the family.
And believe me, the family van Idiot.
- You met them? - During the fight.
What fight? There was no fight! They didn't want to get their good suits dirty.
- What happened? - A few people I don't know, I guess they were the mourners, they got a little upset 'cause we almost caused a pile up - when Dad cut off the hearse.
- Oh, Frank.
What kind of rush is he in? He's dead! - Hold me, please? - Oh.
You were right.
He shouldn't be driving the kids.
He shouldn't be driving at all.
- What are you blubbering about? - You! You! - You're a terrible driver! - I'm a great driver! Dad, we almost go hit! It was in my blind spot! What, a 20-car funeral procession? That's not a blind spot, Dad.
That's west! - You're exaggerating.
- You're a hostile driver.
He's a hostile person.
You should see him brush his teeth.
Debra's right.
You're not driving the kids anymore.
What's this about, Debra? Uh, talk to Ray.
All of a sudden I'm not driving the kids? Where is this coming from? From my near-death experience! It's amazing your license hasn't been revoked already.
Aw, let them take it.
- The damn thing's expired anyhow.
- Oh.
- What? - Frank! You told me you took care of it.
What's wrong with you? Wait, you're driving without a valid license? I didn't want to wait in those long lines! Besides, I kinda like the picture on this one.
See, 10 Ibs.
lighter and more hair.
This expired last year.
I am not driving with you until you get that renewed! That's incentive? Why couldn't my marriage license expire? Hey, what are you doing? You're not getting these till you pass a driving test! Are you outta your mind? Give me those damn keys! Hey! Hey, come here! Hey! Come on, come on! I'll walk.
Dad, it's 7:00 A.
M.
What the hell are you doing? Let's go! My test is at 7:30! What? What test? At the DMv! I gotta take the stupid test again and they got some rule about going with a licensed driver! I'm not going now! Hey! Stop it! Barone, you stupid ass! Hey, I'm on it! I got it! I got it! All right, Dad! I'm coming, shut up.
Good morning.
How'd you get the keys back from Mom? That was not pleasant.
But I found the remote.
Yeah, come on.
Let's get this over with.
Car.
Car! - Oh, wait your turn! - Dad, what are you what are you doing? You didn't look, you didn't signal.
There was plenty of room! This is the kind of stuff that's going to be on the test.
They're not going to have that beginner's crap on there.
Yes, they are.
You gotta look in the mirror.
Yeah, yeah.
And both hands on the wheel.
Both hands.
Sit up straight.
- Come on! - Yes, and you have to signal.
Every time.
There's only one signal you need.
Let me find it.
Here it is! Dad! That's a lady, Dad! Oh great! She's giving it back.
Good.
That's good.
Two fingers before breakfast.
Driving test.
Next thing I know, they'll have me take a walking test.
Stop sign.
- Breathing test.
- Stop sign.
- Bathroom test.
- Stop sign, Dad! What?! What are you doing? You went through a stop sign! That's called a rolling stop! What? There was nobody coming.
Saves the brakes! Yeah, tell that to your instructor.
You know what he'll give you? A bus pass! I don't need you telling me how to drive.
I taught you.
Yeah, well, great.
I'll use your method.
After everything I'll tell you I'll just add the word "stupid.
" Fine, then I'll burst into tears.
Don't yell at me! How can I drive when you're yelling at me! I'm trying to help you.
Okay? Do you want to pass this test or not? Don't worry about me.
This whole family's a bunch of pansies I've been driving for 50 years! Yeah, maybe that's enough.
- What's that suppose to mean? - Nothing.
Let me tell you something.
When I started, you needed skill to drive a car.
No automatic transmission.
No power steering.
No cup holder.
Yes, sir, you needed a little muscle, Nancy.
Dad! Don't yell at me! You were going to hit that guy! You didn't see him? I saw him! He stopped short.
No he didn't, Dad! He's at a light! You were talking to me! How am I suppose to think and drive at the same time? Yeah, right.
Right.
- Green light, Dad.
- I know! Oh, excuse me.
I forgot to signal.
What happened? He passed.
He passed? - Wait, just the written part, right? - He passed.
No, everything.
The writing, the driving, the seeing.
- They gave him a new license? - Yup! Pretty good picture, too.
What kind of government is this?! What do you mean they they just gave your father a new license? They're just giving stuff away over there! My God! Hey, I'm gonna go out tomorrow and get my pilot's license.
Yes, then I'm gonna perform a few marriages.
Then I'm gonna open a casino! Hey while you're at it, get a masseuse's license.
Why are you just lying there? What are we gonna do now? What? What are we gonna do? He's got a shiny new license.
Mine expires before his does.
Okay, just because he slipped through the crack, this incredibly huge crack, doesn't mean he should be allowed to drive.
- We still have to talk to him.
- No, no.
No, I'll tell you what has to be done.
What I've been saying all along all the cars should be made out of Nerf.
- This is your solution? - Yeah, that's it.
No metal, no glass.
Crashes are now fun! Oh, I see.
You really thought this through, huh? What happens to your Nerf car when it rains? You ring it out at the light.
Rain.
The real problem is the wind.
My car! Ah! The real problem is that now your father has the state of New York behind him.
Yeah well, they better not try to pass him 'cause he'll flip them off.
So this doesn't worry you? Well look, the thing with my father is he always drove fast and took chances, you know? But he had the moves to back it up.
Now He's getting older, Ray.
Yeah.
But he passed the test.
And I gotta tell you, I was a little proud of him, you know? 'Cause maybe that means that he's not really that old.
I know it's hard, you know? Especially when they live right across the street and you see him every day.
Sometimes two, three times a day.
And you don't notice they're getting older.
Yeah.
I guess all that time he spends with his head in our fridge keeps him fresh.
You know, sometimes I don't see my parents for three months.
And then when I do, it's, whoa, suddenly they're older.
Uh-huh.
That's the better way.
- So listen, what about the driving? - Well.
I think we gotta be adults here, you know? And every morning let the air outta his tires.
No, you're right.
We have to be the grown-ups.
'Cause that's what happens.
And we're just gonna have to tell him.
Can't drive the kids anymore.
And he shouldn't be driving at night when the weather's bad.
Or anywhere there's people.
Yeah.
While we're at it, why don't we tell him how much Tv he can watch? And how much candy he's allowed.
And make him tie his retainer to his belt loop with fishing line so he doesn't lose it! He did that to me.
Well maybe you'll do better with them than they did with you.
This driving thing is just the beginning, isn't it? Yup.
Okay, all right! We're the parents now.
I tell you one thing.
You're giving them the sex talk.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You know who I saw last night? - Who? - Bobby Kotch.
- Bobby Kotch, what? From Little League? - That's right.
The lanky guy.
- Yeah, how's he doing? Remember when we use to make fun of him for throwing like a girl? - Yeah? - Turned out to be a cross-dresser.
Get outta here.
How do you know? I arrested him.
You can arrest someone for being a cross-dresser? Oh, you can when he's beating up a guy with a baseball bat.
So, what does he look like in a dress? Not bad.
Hey, Robert? Dad look like he's getting old to you? Is this a rest home discussion? 'Cause I've got some brochures in my room.
I mean, what is he now? He's like 66? Raymond, the man is gonna live for many, many more years.
And you'll feel much better once you make your peace with it.
No, I mean, it's just Hey, you wanna be a parent one day, right? Yeah, sure.
I was thinking of a really good training program for you.
- Hey! - It's a boy.
Where's Ally? - The movie starts in half an hour.
- What movie? I told Ally I'd take her to the new piece of animated crap.
Oh, it's not crap, Dad.
It's good.
I mean, it's no "Little Mermaid," but, uh Amy wanted to go.
- Hi, Grandpa! - Hey, sweetheart.
Go get your raincoat.
- Really raining, huh? - Yeah.
Hey, maybe I'll go with you? - You wanna go? - Yeah.
Yeah, I like those movies, you know? Plus, it's the matinee, right? We get the matinee price? Rob, you mind watching the twins till Debra gets home? - Sure.
- Yeah, okay.
Hey, Ray? Here.
- You giving me these? - You're driving.
You got a problem with that? That way I'll have both hands free for signaling.
- Bye, Uncle Robert.
- Bye, kiddo.
Listen, about the movie.
Don't get too attached to the zebra with the well, you'll see.
Hey.
Oh, boy.
Hey, you're paying for the movie.
Okay.
Don't worry about it.
And I want lots of candy! It's gonna ruin your dinner, though.
Now don't jump in the puddles! Debra, Penny's is having a sale on athletic socks.
- Anybody need socks? - I think we're good.
I'm pretty low.
We should swing by.
I need to get to the post office before it closes.
Okay, okay.
Whoa, whoa! Hey, that moron cut you off! - All right.
It's all right, Frank.
- Hey, hey, wait a no, you can't be a doormat! Excuse me, honey.
Grandpa has something for that man.
No, Frank! No.
This is for you, you stupid stinking hump!