Family Ties (1982) s03e02 Episode Script

## I'll bet We've been together ## ## For a million years ## ## And I'll bet We'll be together ## ## For a million more ## ## Ooh, it's like I started breathin' ## ## On the night we kissed ## ## And I can't remember What I ever did before ## ## What would we do, baby ## ## Without us? ## ## What would we do, baby ## ## Without us? ## ## And there ain't No nothin' ## ## We can't love Each other through ## ## Ooh-hoo ## ## What would we do, baby ## ## Without us? ## ## Sha-la-la-la ## Okay, Dad, I'm ready.
I got the ground cloth, tent, and canteen.
I've got the tackle box, the lantern, the stove.
The stove? I thought we were really gonna rough it, live off the land, cook on an open fire.
Well, if it were up to me, Jennifer, we would, but let's face it, I don't think your brother or your sister share our enthusiasm for the great outdoors.
All right, let's get this over with.
We're going to be camping, Alex, not gathering honey.
Why limit ourselves, Dad? Can one of you fit this in your backpack for me? I don't have any more room in here.
What are you going to do with the hair dryer, Mallory? We're going to be out in the middle of nowhere.
Where are you gonna plug it in? Aren't we bringing any outlets? Uh, why don't you kids start getting the car packed? Hey, why don't you bring every article of clothing you own? You know, we can move out of the tent.
You can use it as a closet.
You'd do that for me? You're sure to don't want to come with us? Oh, honey, I can't.
I got to get this project finished by Monday.
I've been so tired lately, I wouldn't be much fun anyway.
I don't know what's wrong.
I just haven't had my normal energy for weeks.
Maybe the kids and I should stay home this weekend.
Oh, come on.
I I'm fine.
You guys have been looking forward to this for a long time.
Well, I would hate to break Alex's heart.
He does so love the woods.
You go have a good time.
There's nothing to worry about.
I saw Dr.
Carlson yesterday, and she gave me every test there is.
She said I'm a perfectly healthy human specimen at the peak of my womanhood.
My sentiments precisely.
I feel like a piece of day-old liver.
Don't go getting me all excited, Elyse.
I've got to take the kids camping.
Okay, Dad, let's go.
I'm not getting any younger.
All right, I'm ready.
We'll grab some breakfast on the road.
You sure you can't come with us, Mom? Oh, I've got too much work to do.
All right, well, it's not going to be the same without you.
Who's gonna chop the firewood? I will, as usual.
I just want everyone to see that in the spirit of getting back to nature, I've decided to go with a clear nail polish.
Hello, Mrs.
Keaton.
I hope I'm not too late.
Huh? Mallory invited me to lunch today.
Oh, Mallory's not here.
She's gone camping.
Camping? I see.
This is this Saturday, isn't it? Well, Mallory's been planning on going camping for weeks.
That explains why she invited me.
Well, it's all right.
I don't need lunch.
Of course, I didn't have any breakfast.
You know, breakfast, the most important meal of the day, which, of course, lunch becomes if you haven't eaten any breakfast, which I haven't.
How does peanut butter and jelly sound? Well, my mother always says I should have a hot lunch.
I'll heat it for you.
Great.
It's really lonely at my house.
My parents went to Dayton for a symposium on aging: "Making the most of your twilight years.
" I can see why you choose not to join them.
Yeah.
I think I got all I could out of the first two in the series.
Make yourself at home, Skippy.
Thanks.
Yeah, actually, I'm kind of glad you dropped by.
It was getting a little lonely here for me with everybody gone.
Well, Mrs.
Keaton, don't you worry, I'll make you an excellent companion.
Would you care for a game of jacks? No.
Or perhaps some yo-yo tricks? Hello? Oh, hi, Dr.
Carlson.
How are you? Oh, you do.
Okay, yeah, go ahead.
No.
What? No.
No, I-I don't believe you.
No! Doctor, wait a minute, you I don't believe this.
Y- y-you said it was virtually impossible We did.
I am.
No.
Really? Okay, okay.
Bye.
What is it, Mrs.
Keaton? Nothing.
Why do you ask? No reason.
Steve.
Steven.
I've got to call Steven.
He's in a tent.
He's in the woods.
Didn't take a phone in the tent.
I don't believe this.
This is incredible.
There must be some mistake.
She's a doctor.
She knows what she's talking about.
Mrs.
Keaton, are you sick? No.
I feel fine.
That's great.
Skippy, you're not gonna believe this.
What? We're going to have a baby.
We are? Gitchee, gitchee, gitchee, gitchee, gitchee.
Oh, Steven.
Steven.
Oh.
Uh, Steven.
Sit down for a second.
Let me tell you something.
Uh, do you remember that weekend we spent at that bed and breakfast place and skipped breakfast? No.
Steven, how many people do you think are in this room? No.
Steven, Steven, do you remember how you always said that we have the three most wonderful, thoughtful, considerate children in the whole world? Those are the three most selfish, spoiled, inconsiderate children in the world.
What happened? How come you're home a day early? Elyse, this is not my idea of a relaxing drive up into the mountains: Oh.
Alex, it's an honest mistake.
It could have happened to anybody.
Not anybody who walks erect.
What happened? Well, thanks to Mallory, we went camping without a tent.
Wait a minute.
I saw your dad put the tent in the trunk himself.
Yeah, Mom, what you didn't see was Mallory taking the tent out of the trunk to make room for her makeup table.
I didn't think it was anything important.
I thought it was just Alex's sleeping bag.
Where was I supposed to sleep, Mallory, in a tree? Where's Jennifer? Well, I told her to take our gear down off the luggage rack.
Jennifer, leave the gear! Just come inside! Why did you tell her to do that? Dad, I knew she was disappointed about the camping trip, so I thought this was a good way for her to get some fresh air.
Look at those rosy cheeks.
I couldn't get the sleeping bag untied.
They were up too high.
Hey, uh, the ladder is in the garage, Jennifer.
Alex.
Alex, you think you're the boss over me.
He thinks he's the boss over everybody, Jennifer.
Now what's the matter? Hold it! Hold it! Up to your rooms, now.
Uh, Dad, I think I'm a little old to be sent to my room.
You're also too old to be whining in the car the whole way back.
I wasn't whining.
Get up there.
Honey.
Elyse.
Do you remember how these camping trips used to be? Just the two of us up there in the woods, with the stars, the moon, a little fire going.
Mm-hm.
Oh, boy.
I miss those days.
I mean, I love the kids, Elyse, you know that, but I'll tell you, part of me is really looking forward to the day when the kids are grown and it'll be just the two of us again.
Are you really? I am tired, I am cranky, I am fed up.
Just do not mention the word "kid" to me, we'll be okay.
God.
Okay, I'll try.
Did you? Did you get the test results from your physical? You're not making it easy on me.
What did Dr.
Carlson have to say? Well, my blood pressure's a little low.
Nothing to worry about.
Uh, triglycerides, never better.
I'm the perfect height for someone my age.
Oh, I almost forgot, I'm pregnant.
Well, anything else happen while I was gone? Your suit came back from the cleaners.
This is a big day.
Um, who else knows about this? Only you and Skippy.
Oh, of course.
I- I thought you'd be happy.
I'm happy.
I'm happy.
Don't I look happy? You look shocked.
Uh, I am.
I'm shocked and happy.
I'm shappy.
You're babbling.
I am.
I'm babbling and I'm shocked and I'm happy.
I'm bashappy.
We always said we'd welcome a new baby.
Well, I-I-I know.
I- I just didn't think we'd get the chance to.
I mean, after Jennifer was born, the doctor said, uh, that was it.
I mean, the chances The chances of your getting pregnant again were very slim.
But you do welcome this baby, don't you? I do.
I do.
Of course I do.
It's just I'm, uh Bashappy.
It's just beginning to dawn on me.
A baby.
This is incredible.
This is This is fantastic.
Uh, Dad, listen, the three of us were talking about all that car stuff, and, well, we're sorry, you know? Did you hear that, Elyse? You're the three most wonderful children in the world.
Told you I didn't have to cry, Alex.
Kids, come on over here.
We got to tell you something real important.
Come on, kids.
Sit down.
Is something wrong, Mom? Oh, no, honey.
Everything's fine.
It's just that, uh, Well, I'm pregnant.
Pregnant? You mean You mean, like, with a baby? I know, it's a shock.
Believe me, no one was more surprised than I was.
Oh, no.
Skippy was.
Skippy knows? You mean, people outside the house are gonna know about this? I'll have to drop out of school.
All right, uh, let me get this straight.
You and Mom are gonna have a baby? Heh.
That's right.
And you're pregnant? You picked the right one.
I see.
Uh.
Girls, Mom's pregnant.
Please leave the room.
This is not a topic for females.
Alex.
I can't believe this.
Are you sure, Mom? Well, that's what the doctor said.
Well, aren't you kids excited? Well, it's embarrassing.
You're parents.
You shouldn't be having children.
Come on, you guys, Mallory is right.
You're too old.
You're too kind.
I'm just being realistic, Mom.
You're not going to be able to do the things that That younger parents do.
Who is, uh? Who is going to toss a football with this kid? Old Gramps here? Alex, it might not be someone who likes football, it might even be a girl.
Wait a minute.
Nobody said anything about having a girl.
No, sir, that is where I draw the line.
I am definitely against you having a girl.
This baby is gonna change all our lives.
Just think they should have asked us how we felt about it.
You know, we should try and look at this thing from their point of view.
They're not exactly a couple of spring chickens, you know.
This is, uh This is their last grasp at youth.
It's their last chance to feel like a functioning part of nature's fertility cycle before they shrivel up, join bowling leagues.
I just can't help thinking another brother or sister's gonna upset the delicate balance of give and take, the balance of space we've established in this family.
That's quite an advanced thought, Mallory.
I, uh I didn't know you had such an understanding of group dynamics.
I was talking about closet space.
I don't know what you guys are complaining about.
I'm the youngest.
I should feel the most threatened.
You know, Jennifer is right.
Look, this thing is gonna be hardest on her.
She's used to being the baby of the family, getting all the attention.
Mwah.
Now she's going to be ignored.
A virtual nobody.
One of the crowd.
A piece of driftwood.
Mere flotsam washed up on the shores of life.
I get the point, Alex.
Okay, girls, you're just gonna have to be mature about this.
Now, there is going to be another member of this family, and you're both going to have to make sacrifices.
What about you? I'm the oldest son.
There are certain inalienable rights to that position.
You can't pull rank on this one, Alex.
When the baby cries at 3:00 in the morning, it's gonna wake everyone up.
Even the first-born son.
Can you imagine Alex changing a diaper? Or Alex going gitchee, gitchee, goo? I can go "gitchee, gitchee, goo," Mallory.
I just don't think infants should be spoken to in that manner.
What would you say to the baby if it were crying, Alex? I would, uh I would walk over to the edge of the crib, and I would explain to the infant that crying is merely an instinctive reaction to transitory, albeit unpleasant, environmental stimuli.
Why does that sound so familiar? To which I would add, parenthetically, uh, "gitchee, uh, gitchee, goo.
" I just had a scary thought.
We could have another little Alex on our hands.
You're making me very nervous, Mallory.
Well, you should be nervous.
Think about all the negatives to the situation.
Babies cry at night when you're trying to sleep.
They have bad table manners.
They're bald.
They never pick up after themselves.
They have runny noses.
When you stand them up, they fall right over.
They can't hold their liquor.
Then again, they cuddle up in your arms.
They smell good.
They gurgle and coo.
They idolize their older brother.
Of course, who could blame them? You know, I can't recall which of you girls looked up to me more when you were babies.
Or should I say worshipped? Ow! Are you okay? Hm? Oh, sure.
I'm fine.
I just couldn't sleep.
I was so excited.
How you two feeling? Fine.
Fine, how are you? I had a little trouble sleeping.
I, uh I can't stop thinking.
About what? I mean, about what specifically? Elyse, I'm 40 years old.
I'm about to become a father again.
Last time I changed a diaper, Richard Nixon was president.
Thought I'd seen the last of both of them.
You know what I keep realizing? What? We have to start watching Sesame Streetagain.
Romper Room.
Mister Rogers'.
I likeMister Rogers'.
Have to start going to the zoo.
Pony rides.
Birthday parties.
Sterilizing baby bottles.
Tripping over toys.
Before you know it, the terrible twos will be upon us.
Remember when Alex used to run around the house all the time going, "Mine! Mine!"? He never really outgrew that, did he? Seems like such a long time ago.
I know.
I've been doing some calculations.
When the baby's 10, I'll be 50.
When the baby's 20, I'll be 60.
When the baby's 30, I'll be 70.
a baby, isn't it? It won't be a baby when it's 30.
I guess you're right.
When the baby's 40, Jennifer will be 51.
Steven.
Cut it out.
I'm sorry.
I'm just not used to the idea.
Neither am I.
It's a nice idea to get used to, isn't it? I wish the kids were more excited.
Oh, they'll come around.
Who could not love a beautiful newborn baby? Besides, it gives us someone else to pick on.
You know, uh, there's one other thing about this we haven't mentioned.
It's gonna be real expensive.
I find this absolutely the sexiest thing in the world.
Aw, hey, hey, hey.
Come on.
Cut it out.
Don't you know that's how you got into trouble in the first place? Alex, what are you doing up? How am I supposed to sleep, Mom? I'm about to become a brother for the third time.
It's not gonna happen tonight, Alex.
It's not, is it, Elyse? I can almost guarantee it.
What's in the package? Oh, uh, it's something I picked up for the little guy.
Oh, it's so cute.
Yeah, uh, pull the string.
I love Alex.
Aw.
Isn't that sweet? Oh, my Yeah, you know, I think I need to get one of these for myself.
This is going to be a long nine months.
We thought about having a little brother or sister, and we decided that it could be a lot of fun.
Yeah, the family needs a little shaking up anyway.
Thank you, honey.
This is beautiful.
Look at that.
Well, it's getting pretty late.
I think we'd better call it a night, huh? Oh, yeah.
Come on.