Felicity s03e02 Episode Script

Previously on "Felicity.
" Hey! How are you? - Oh, I missed you.
- Yeah, I missed you, too.
You okay? I would really like to be alone right now, okay? What about college? I mean, I don't understand.
I'm not going back.
I decided to let the good times roll.
Don't drop me! I would never drop you.
Ever.
Mrs.
Crane.
Oh, Mr.
Crane.
How's this? - No, it's - I'm not really happy.
- I don't really - Nah.
Why don't you try it over there? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, no problem.
Ohh, I'll go over here.
This way.
Hey, did you guys see Dave Matthews is playing Madison Square Garden? - What's going on? - They're moving the furniture.
- This any better? - I don't know.
What do you think? Yeah, that's no good there.
Yeah, all right.
- Do you want to help us hang some curtains? - Yeah! Yeah, you know, later, for sure.
But we got a class right now.
I should probably get dressed first.
Oh, why bother? Half joking.
Hey, look, come by our place anytime.
- We're always here to help, all right? - Okay.
- See ya.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
God! Was I looking at his butt way too much? Oh, my God! Was it totally obvious? That towel was this far from falling off.
It must have been Velcroed on or something.
Did something happen to Tracy and Sean? I love Tracy.
He's the best abstinent partner a girl could have.
Oh, great! - Great, you're all here.
- That's my boyfriend.
- What's wrong with you? - I just ran all the way You can't keep barging in here and videotaping.
Are you out of your mind? I'm gonna make you all famous! Like Jervis, Colleen, Rudy.
Okay, here we go! Here we go! All right, whoa, whoa, wait.
Let me get autofocus.
Nice shirt.
Thanks.
- You like? - This is gonna be great.
- Hey.
- Come on in.
- All right, all right, go for it.
- Yeah? - Show 'em.
What is that? What is this, charades? I got married.
- What?! - What? - Yeah.
- You got what?! Yeah, Natalie and I, we got married.
The network is gonna love this! Married?! Oh, Jesus, Mary, and St.
Joseph! What can you tell me about Natalie? Has she been married before? Not that I know of, but nothing could surprise me vis-a-vis Natalie.
Well, she's your cousin.
What has she done that I can tell Noel about that will help him realize the huge mistake he's just made? Tell Noel to check her scalp for three little sixes.
Javier.
Natalie is trouble.
She has no caution to the wind, okay? Did I ever tell you that she gave her father a series of three heart attacks? Yeah, because she was running away all the time, and she's been arrested at least one time.
She's been arrested? Really? What for? Well, I don't know, but it was years ago, and her father calls me up with chest pains again.
It's like she has this need for adventure.
It's like a drug.
You know? I can't stand that she manipulated Noel into marriage.
I feel so guilty.
No, Javier, it's not your fault.
Well, she's my flesh and my bones, okay? If it wasn't for me, Noel Crane would still be a single guy.
Married! This is Armageddon.
* Can you become * * Can you become * * A new version of you? * * New wallpaper * * New shoe leather * * A new way home * * I don't remember * * New version of you * * I need a new version of me * * New version of you * * I need a new version of me * - I mean, we can't just do nothing.
- What can we do, though? It's not like the guy's engaged.
He's already married.
He's not just married.
He's brainwashed.
- Javier did say she was bad news.
- Bad news? No, John Rocker is bad news.
People, Natalie, and I refuse to say "Crane," is catastrophic news.
She's like a drug he can't kick.
I mean, our boy's become an addict, and I say we treat him as such.
Have a little intervention.
Okay, I think you guys are overreacting.
He got married.
B.
F.
D.
No.
No, not B.
F.
D.
This quicksand bitch has sucked the lifeblood out of our buddy.
We got to suck him back.
What do you think? You haven't said anything.
I just think we should mind our own business.
- What? - Guy wants to get married, let him get married.
I don't know why you care so much.
Can we talk for a while about Noel's hair? Well, if that's not a cry for help, I don't know what is.
This is not about his hair or about him getting married.
I mean, he's quitting college his senior year.
The Noel we know would never do something like that.
And that's where it occurred to me.
Jacob Perlmutter.
Who? He was this Hasidic Jew in my junior high school.
He started hanging out with the Whip-lt crowd.
He was so boring before, he couldn't handle getting wild.
He lost his mind.
Supposedly, he's still in a mental institution in Hartford.
Jacob Perlmutter.
What? Who? Nothing.
You know what? You guys are right.
This is serious.
We got to do something.
- Okay, baby, stop.
- No, no, come here.
- Stop it.
- Come here.
Okay, stop.
Stop.
Stop.
Stop.
Please, stop.
Okay.
Wait a minute.
Now - Tell me about God.
- What about him? Well, why does he want us to stop? Why are we stopping again? How many times can we have this conversation? As many times as I want to.
What if you go through your pre-married life depriving yourself like this and then you realize there's no God or he doesn't even care? - There is a God.
- How do you know? Because I am standing up and walking away from this moment of temptation.
That's a sure sign there's a God.
Well, I need a sign! So, wait.
You're thinking about breaking up with Tracy? I love Tracy, but he's a far holier person than I am, I promise you that.
I can't break up with Tracy.
I mean, his smile breaks my heart.
Would you ever cheat on him? As if I would answer that question on videotape.
What's it like living with Elena? Elena keeps asking me questions about my dad, like she's suspicious, and she's, like, trying to crack me open or something.
What do you tell her? Nothing.
I tell her that I was tested, and I wasn't a match, and that I'm just really grateful I got to know my dad as much as I did before he died.
And that's it? Nothing else? No.
My father called.
- What? - Yeah, last night.
Well, what'd he say? I don't know.
I guess he wants to see me.
So he's in town? Yeah, I guess he is, yeah.
When was the last time you talked to him? I don't know.
Like I don't know.
Like six months ago.
So this is kind of a big deal, huh? No, it's just I know it.
It's just gonna be the same crap as always.
You don't know that.
His calling could be a good thing.
What? Everything's always a possibility of something good with you.
I just I don't think my dad applies to that.
It's not that I don't want to talk about it.
Just say, "I don't want to talk about it.
" - Don't pretend - God, I'm not pretending.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Hi.
So you know, we've all been feeling a little rejected lately.
I mean, you haven't called us over to move furniture in a long time.
Well, that's all about to change.
Hey, you know, you guys should come out with us tonight.
Fuller is deejaying over at Cooper's.
You busy? Yeah, I I gotta study.
All right.
- Bye.
- Had to try.
Do you have a boyfriend? No.
Great.
I can't believe I said that.
Oh, my God! Okay, I downloaded the intervention materials and customized the process for ease.
What is this? - I don't know.
It's weird to be in an intervention and be one of the interveners.
- Sean, put the camera down.
- This is the pregame warm-up.
Can I see that? "The Anti-Natalie Intervention"? Are you kidding me? Listen, once he realizes what this is, he's gonna be like a rat scrambling for the exit.
- Oh, wait, wait.
- I'll get it! This is it.
Everybody stay calm.
We're gonna get this in one take.
- Stay there! - Yeah, right, okay.
Act natural.
I'm not even here, okay? Hey.
- Oh, yeah, wow.
- Come on in.
Thanks.
You really don't stop with that video stuff, do you? Well, it's Independent Film Channel.
We're doing a thing.
I want to talk to you about the opening.
Well, we'll talk later.
- Those pants are pleather.
- I'm kind of attracted to him right now.
What is this? This is an intervention? Yes.
Yes, it is.
Noel, we just all wanted a chance to talk to you because we're concerned.
Did you ever see "Invasion of the Body Snatchers"? - Richard.
- That's a fantastic analogy.
Noel, we're just scared you're making a mistake.
How? How? By what, marrying Natalie? No, not just that.
We just feel like you're letting everything else go in the process.
Just think about what you're doing.
Letting the good times roll? How long can that last? Not to mention you're married to somebody with a police record.
And I'm not talking about "Zenyatta Mondatta.
" This is your life, buddy boy, so I want you to come here.
Come in here.
- Just sit down.
- You sit down.
Okay, stand there.
You guys, it was my idea to get married.
All right? Not Natalie's.
And yes, yes, Javier, she has been arrested.
Three years ago.
For protesting an oil tanker with Greenpeace off the coast of Iceland.
You know, God! I've only known her a few I've only known her a few months.
But she is by far the most worldly and exciting and adventuresome person I've ever known.
Is she preggers? Is this Ruby redux? Is that what this is? You know, we're going to Germany in three days for Oktoberfest.
I don't know if I ever want to see you guys again.
Move.
Noel.
That went well.
- Richard.
- Oh, God.
- Please.
- That was bad.
Noel, come on.
Answer the door.
Please? Look, I'm not gonna leave until I talk to you.
I'll sleep out here if I have to, and you know I would.
Fine.
Just, make it quick, all right? What a disaster, huh? I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I mean, you and I have been through so much, and I would hate it if you let me down the way I let you down today.
The way we all did.
It was presumptuous and immature.
And insulting to you and Natalie.
Yeah, it was.
I guess I just freaked out.
I mean When I think of you, I think of the guy I used to go out with, the guy who had that plan.
I remember that 4-year plan and that notebook.
Yeah, that was a long time ago.
I know, but it was so important to you.
But people change, you know? And that's obviously what's going on with you.
But anyway, we all talked after you left, and decided to do what we should have done from the beginning, which is say "congratulations" and celebrate what you've done instead of trying to tear it down.
And we would love to have a dinner for you and Natalie.
And that way, we can all just hang out and get to know your wife.
What? Wife.
I know.
All right.
Let's do it.
Great.
Good.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Thanks for coming.
- Yeah, of course.
Here, sit down.
- You look good.
- Yeah.
Your hair is short.
Yeah, it's been that way for a while.
Thanks.
"'D' squared yx over dx squared equals angular velocity squared yx.
" Squared yx.
The solution satisfies what given differential equation? Chill out.
Look it up.
I don't need the book, baby.
Oh, look it up.
Hey.
- Can I come in? - No, I'm studying right now.
Okay.
Yeah, no problem.
Look, I just dropped by to see if you were available for dinner.
No, no, I "C" equals angular velocity squared, baby.
- That's right.
- I know.
Study partner.
Lunch tomorrow? Yeah, lunch tomorrow.
- Great.
- Okay.
How's the How's your burger? Oh, it's good.
It's a little rare.
Oh, you want to send it back? - No.
- Let's send it back.
Dad, Dad.
It's fine.
My food's fine.
- You sure? - Yeah.
I'm just not that hungry.
Okay.
Did your mother tell you I've started a program? I'm in a program.
No, she didn't.
She didn't.
No, she didn't say anything.
I I finally had to admit that there is a power greater than me.
That's step number 2.
The first one's a lot tougher.
If you can imagine that.
It's admitting that I'm powerless over alcohol, that my life had become unmanageable.
Yeah, I didn't even know you guys were talking at all.
Oh, I called her last week.
See, we're supposed to make amends with the people that we've harmed.
Step number 9.
And that's why I'm here.
That's why you're here? 'Cause you're supposed to be here? - Ben, please.
- Is that why? I'm trying.
Dad.
I am glad that you called.
Hey.
What do you think about this shirt? Oh, it's great.
Really? Because I just don't want them to think it's too No, no, no, they won't.
It's great.
What's that? Oh, nothing.
It's just my 4-year plan.
Let me see this.
Okay.
It's sort of like a road map for my college years.
So, what's Wavefront? It's a 3-D animation program.
It's called "Maya" now.
Oh, you used to be such a geek.
No kidding.
Oh, oh, wait, listen.
Wear this shirt tonight.
It's so cool.
I've got to state unequivocally that although this dinner is in support of the nuptials, in my heart of hearts, Natalie's a harpy.
Hey, Richard.
- Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
- Hey.
That's okay.
Noel's not even here yet.
How did it go? It was okay.
He wants to see me tomorrow night.
- So it went well? - Yeah, it was not bad.
That's so good.
- Hey.
- Hey! Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.
And Mrs.
Noel Crane! Thanks, man.
Cuba was amazing, wasn't it? Yeah, it was.
There's this Hemingway museum.
Yeah, it was only like It was this little whitewashed house where Hemingway used to live for like 20-something years, but now it's a museum.
But they don't even let anybody inside.
Yeah, which Natalie objected to.
Well, I just thought it was unacceptable, so I snuck in through the window, and I got in Hemingway's bed, which was, like, the most visceral feeling.
"Visceral" means "feeling.
" You know what she means.
It was exciting.
So, you guys are going to Germany? Mm-hmm.
We're leaving day after tomorrow.
Yeah, what the hell's going on there? Celebrating October something? It's Oktoberfest.
It's a beer festival in Munich.
- I always wanted to go.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Yeah? Well, what's the plan after Oktoberfest? - Yeah, what is the plan? - There is no plan.
You know that I hate plans.
Are you guys gonna live in New York? Um I don't know.
What do you think of the United States? - Oh.
I like it.
- You know, I don't know, because the only plan I know that I do have is that I never want to live in the same city for more than two years.
What about work? How do you keep a job if you're always running around? I have this theory that money always works itself out.
Yeah, there's relativity, and then there's that one.
Excuse me.
Okay, surprise! - Hi! - Hi! Oh! Sorry I am so tardy.
What is that? You know, I feel like a stewardess with this thing.
It's like, "Hi, I'm Javier.
Fly me.
" - Hi, Natalie.
- Hi.
Where's Noel? I want to present this to the two of you.
He's in the can.
From Mama.
Bonjour.
Comment ca va? It's a first-aid kit.
It's got bandages and a defibrillator just in case of heart attacks.
Excuse me, do you have a pen anywhere in here? Yeah, I think I saw one on the back table there.
- By the notebook.
- Oh, thanks.
Yeah.
Oh, no.
That's my notebook.
Hey! Hey, please don't use my notebook.
- Richard.
- The thing's in there.
- What thing? - The form! The intervention form.
Where's my coat? Natalie.
I want my coat.
I'll get it.
Where's Natalie? No, we don't know where she is.
What? Consuela, I can't understand you.
You're slurring.
I actually thought Natalie was pretty cool.
You also chose to get a nose ring.
Wait, okay, you know what? Never mind.
Okay, forget it.
I got to go.
Okay, so if you hear from Natalie, call me, okay? Okay, bye.
Can you imagine going to a dinner party and finding out everyone there had conspired against you? Yes, sadly.
I couldn't find her anywhere.
- Noel, she's probably at a friend's.
- No, she's not.
She's nowhere.
Well, after what we did, she probably needs to be alone.
Is there anything we can do for you, Noel? Yeah, you need a place to stay? You can crash here.
No, I'm fine.
Thanks.
Can I talk to you, please? For a second, please? Yeah, sure.
Last year in the beginning I was so mad at you.
Just, I needed something.
To escape, and Ruby.
Well, she came along at the perfect time.
Then all of a sudden, like in a flash I was done with junior year.
All of a sudden, I was a senior.
How the hell did I become a senior? It's like I was running out of time.
You know, I was in a panic.
And then Natalie appeared, And when I'm with her, it's like I can ignore everything.
It's like I wasn't me anymore.
Yeah.
I guess I haven't really been me since sophomore year.
I just don't know if I can get my life back on track.
Noel.
Look, I don't want to move every two years.
I don't want to take a vacation once a month.
I want to be here with you guys.
With my friends.
I got to end this thing with Natalie.
I mean, if that's what you think is the best thing.
I do.
I really do miss you.
I miss you, too.
So you're having lunch with towel guy so you can test God? That's right.
I need a sign.
If God exists, he'll show me.
- That is such a load.
- No, it's not! Tracy gets signs all the time.
Why can't I? You're not testing God.
You're going out to lunch with a hot guy.
Don't turn a whatever into a virtue.
- God isn't gonna help me with this, is he? - No.
- Well, towel guy is too cute.
- Don't go.
Did you see his butt? I need you to go with me.
I am not going to lunch with you because of some guy's butt.
You'll be the buffer.
Otherwise, I might lose control.
You lost control when you said you didn't have a boyfriend.
I was there.
Look, this would be perfect.
We'll go to lunch.
He'll turn out to be a raving idiot.
I'll lose interest, and this whole thing will be over.
And what if he's not an idiot? - No guy could be that hot and not be.
- What if he is? Well, then I'll need you as a buffer for sure.
- How you doing? - Okay.
Good to see you.
I got you something.
- Thank you.
- It's not much.
- Do you know them? - No.
The guy at the store said they're really good.
- Thanks.
- Sure.
- Do you want to go in? - This it? - Yeah.
I forgot what this city's like.
All the people and the noise.
You forget when you're away for so long.
- How wild it is.
- Yeah.
Well, you should come out more often.
- Yeah, I will.
- Yeah.
You know what? Don't do that.
I just I've been through this enough times to know what you say is gonna happen and what actually does happen are two totally different things.
Well, Ben, sometimes you say things Just don't say you're gonna be here when you know that you're not.
Please don't do that.
All right.
You know how old I am, Ben? Like 40-something? And when I look back I can't remember one thing about your childhood.
How about that? All I remember was this little boy.
And me not being there.
So, what was I doing? What was I doing that was so damned important? What could possibly have been so important? I just It goes so fast, you know? People tell you that, but you don't believe it.
But I'm telling you.
It just all goes so fast.
Pre-law? Really? Yeah.
You know, I'm thinking criminal defense.
I truly believe everybody deserves a fair trial.
You know, this is one of only six countries in the world where capital punishment is legal.
- Really? - Yeah.
And studies have consistently proven that it doesn't deter people from committing crimes.
- You two want another slice? - No.
- I'd love one.
Okay, you got it.
He is not an idiot.
I definitely need a sign from God.
- Well, here's a sign.
I'm leaving.
- No, no, I need you.
Why? It seems like you're doing fine on your own.
He's pre-law.
I can't help it.
I'm always the third wheel, and I hate it.
It's humiliating.
I'm begging you.
I need a buffer more than ever.
Oh, my God.
All right, here we go.
I got you one just in case.
Thank you.
So, where were we? Criminal defense.
Yeah, Lola, it's Noel.
Noel Crane.
Leon? Right.
Look, have you heard from Natalie? Because she hasn't come home, and I'm starting to get a little worried.
I'm afraid she Never mind.
Hi.
Where were you? I've been worried about you.
Look, I know that you're angry about last night.
I do.
Actually, about the other night, the intervention, I know that.
But, look, my point is that I totally understand, and I want to try to explain, okay? It's actually kind of sweet when you think about it.
Okay, maybe it's not sweet.
Natalie, it was well-intentioned.
They're concerned about me.
They're afraid that I'm acting too impulsive, that maybe I'm throwing my life away by getting married to you, you know? Of course, I totally disagreed with them.
Initially.
I did.
But You know, then I started thinking.
Not that I'm throwing my life away, but you know, maybe this isn't the right situation for me, or for either of us.
You know, I mean, we're both young.
We haven't finished school.
And recent studies show that to be competitive in today's job market, you need a college education.
And This whole summer has just been an unbelievable wild ride that I wish could last forever, but summer can't last forever.
It's fall now.
You know, look, look, look.
I know.
Okay.
I know that we promised each other "till death do us part," and those are sacred, sacred vows.
They are.
But you know, we said them in a casino, and I'd just had that snifter of cognac before, so I wasn't quite in my right mind.
What I'm trying to say, and I'm sure that you agree with me, is that obviously we shouldn't be married.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- How are you? - I'm good.
- You haven't talked to Noel? - No, I haven't.
The last time I talked to him, he was going to break up with Natalie.
I want to make sure he's okay.
No, I haven't talked to him.
What's that? My dad got it for me.
- That's sweet.
- Yeah.
It's a little weird, but it's nice.
That's not all, actually.
What do you mean? Well, he got tickets to tonight's Yankees game.
Apparently his law firm gets really great seats behind, like, home plate, so I was just wondering if you wanted to go.
- I would love to go.
- Okay.
- That's so great.
Yeah, it is.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess Noel's breakup attempt with Natalie didn't go so well.
Yeah, she coldcocked him.
Yeah.
He was freaking out.
He wanted a lawyer and all this stuff, so I told Elena that.
I told him I knew someone in pre-law.
Well, the best thing would be an annulment.
So not an idiot.
But that would require a mutual agreement from both parties stating the marriage can be voided for legal reasons.
An agreement? Does it look like this is a woman who is capable of having an agreement? Okay, annulment's out.
Well, then we're talking no-fault divorce.
No-fault? No, no way! These guys will tell you.
It was her fault! All right, she manipulated this entire situation.
Look, okay, how about accumulated assets? That's always a tough issue.
Yeah, yeah, a plate.
A plate? We bought a very expensive plate together with my money.
The plate is mine.
- What about mediation? - No! The plate is not being mediated! No mediation, okay? Noel.
I completely understand this is incredibly upsetting, and if this were me, I'd probably be acting the exact same way, but I think it might help if you can stay calm.
- Calm down? - Yeah.
She hit me in the face! She could have broken my eye socket! Right, but getting back at Natalie isn't gonna help you get back on track, And that's the whole point of this, right? Oh, I gotta get to class, guys.
Look, Noel, if you want to talk more, feel free to give me a call.
- Elena's got my number.
- Thanks, man.
I'll walk you out.
Great.
Look, you need a place to live, I got plenty of space at the loft.
- No, you don't have to.
- It's not a problem.
I'll give you the first night free.
Think about it.
Are you okay? My eye hurts.
Julie was supposed to be my buffer, okay? So, we're just, the three of us, hanging out in my room listening to music.
And she left.
My buffer just left.
- I gotta go.
- What? I have religious studies class in like 10 minutes.
It's the only class that I like.
Julie, I need you to stay.
Bye.
Thanks for talking to Noel.
No, no, you don't have to thank me.
Who's Leon? It's his alter-ego thing.
He's been a little confused lately.
But who isn't? Yeah.
* Sweet sweet letting go * * How it scares my heart so * Oh, my God! Oh, God.
Oh, my God! What? - This is my boyfriend.
- But you said - I know.
I lied.
I'm sorry.
I've got to go.
I'm sorry.
* No one's gonna whisper in your ear * * This is it * * What you've got here * * All I know is * - What's going on? - I believe in God.
What? Yeah, I just decided.
Oh, I thought you said that Never mind what I said.
I'm a believer.
- Why? - I just am.
- Okay.
- Okay.
You go back to class now.
Okay.
* I don't know why * * Is it love? * Hi.
I got breakfast.
I already ate.
It's your favorite, though.
It's pepperoni and mushrooms from Johnny's.
I still already ate.
Sean, said that I could stay at the loft.
So, what are we gonna do now? I guess there's some paperwork we need to sign, right? Yeah, I'll take care of it.
I found a website.
It's "annulment something dot-com.
" It's a pretty good site.
You know, they got a nice interface.
How's your eye? It's okay, you know.
Javier's wedding gift came in handy.
There was a salve.
You know, it wouldn't be so hard annulling this marriage if you weren't so adorable.
Look, I don't think this is such a good idea, considering, you know.
Considering what? That I'm going to Oktoberfest alone? That you're going to have to throw away all the cool clothes I got you? That you're gonna forget about me? No.
I won't.
I won't forget about you.
You'll always be my first husband.
Leon.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
Hey.
I'll call you later.
Okay.
Bye.
Wow! What a buffer.
I don't need your attitude right now, okay? - What time does the game start? - About 20 minutes.
- Probably gonna miss the first inning, but it's no big deal.
- No.
- He's probably just stuck in traffic.
- Yeah.
* Truth * * Always deceiving * * Never believing in yourself * * Truth * * Not what you're giving * * Not what is living inside of you * * And doubt is a traitor * * To you * * Truth * * Is not a flower * * The highest power * * But not for you * * Truth * * Isn't a savior * * Not your creator * * So don't give me your truth * * And if you want to be what you always try to be * You okay? The Little League bleachers, the steps outside the pool, those stupid plastic chairs at graduation.
I promised myself I wasn't gonna sit in another chair waiting for him, just knowing he's not gonna show up.
But it's the same thing every time with him.
Every single time.
It's different this time.
It's not different.
This time you have me.
* And if you want to be what you always try to be *