Footballers' Wives (2002) s03e02 Episode Script

I, Tanya Louise Turner, do take thee, Francis Michael Laslett, to be my lawful wedded husband.
How long is this gonna take? I've been here for hours! (Screams) The lamp that nearly smashed your lovely wife's face? - Lucky escape.
- You stay away from my wife.
You don't mess with the Triads.
And you owe them £3 million.
What's this about a new signing? If there was anything to tell you, I'd tell you.
'Oh, come on, you know you're going.
' 'I'm not gonna say whether I'm going or not going, it's no comment, guys.
' (Kyle) 'I don't believe this! First Jason, now my boss.
Have you got no pride? ' You're a slut! We like the same things.
The same risks.
(Hazel) Simba? It's Jason.
He didn't fall.
(Screams) (Kyle) I couldn't help you, babe.
I wish I'd done it.
Jason's in hell now.
And you got wings.
Come on, son.
You got a big day.
I made you some breakfast.
- Yeah, right.
- It's all right.
It looks worse than it is.
Well, all I can say is sorry.
Kyle, look, I know I promised but Well, secrets are dangerous.
They grow heads, you know.
Yeah? - You should know.
- Look, all I'm saying is that if it's eating you up so much, then maybe we should tell the police.
Chardonnay's gone.
They can't do nothing to her now.
And Jason deserved all he got.
We agreed we'd keep this to ourselves.
Haven't you done enough without destroying Chardonnay's name as well? You keep you mouth shut, Mum.
If anyone finds out, I'll know where it's come from.
Well, I wouldn't.
How could you even think that? Who knows what you get up to, pillow-talking my boss.
(Man) and the alarm's all set.
So I punch in the code and the whole system disarms, yeah? - That's it.
- Come and check this out.
- My wife.
- How do you do, Mrs Gates? This baby's all-singing, all-dancing.
Does it dance its way to the bank and withdraw money, Conrad? Why don't you go and finish up in the garden? I'll be out in a minute.
What the hell are you trying to do? As far as he's concerned, we had a break-in.
What about the people that ate my puppy? What do they think? What, Hazel and the Lasletts? They're not gonna say anything.
Bad press.
Why won't you listen to me, Conrad? We can't stay indoors for the rest of our lives.
You made a deal with some bad, bad people.
We're loaded! Just pay them so we don't have to live in a bloody prison.
I don't owe them shit.
I didn't drop the match.
They're just trying to freak us out.
Well, you know what? They've succeeded cos I'm shit scared.
Do you want to know just how freaked out I really am? Jesus! Hey, hey, it's OK.
I'll pay them, all right? (Door buzzer) - What the hell are you doing here? - Thanks very much! I bunked off college for you.
- I got the early train.
- Oh, Shannon! Couldn't miss your first big match, could I? - Been going crazy without you.
- Me and all.
It's shite down here on me own.
Holy frigging shit! This is truly mega! And what is that when it's at home, please? I bought myself a little pressie, didn't I? I I bought you something as well.
Harley, I swear, you have so made it.
- I can stay, can't I? - Yeah, course you can.
- What about your exams? - Probably fail them anyways.
Shannon, your mam's gonna go mental.
- Don't you want me here? - You know I do.
So sod me mum, I'll call this avo.
I'm not staying up there while you take your pick of the London girls.
As if! I'm telling you, Harley, my head's been doing all sorts, picturing you in, like, Stringfellows.
It's not like that, Shan, honestly.
I've just been training a lot of the time and feeling dead lonely.
Right.
Well, you put the kettle on.
I'm gonna have a neb round.
Here, I bought some stuff with me.
I know what you're like.
(Sighs) Even the Ying Yongs lay off their own pets.
Don't be so racialist.
I swear, if Conrad Gates has got baggage, I'm a dead man.
I've sunk everything into signing him.
Save your act for the agents, darling.
If we don't end up in the top four, it's the beginning of the end.
Everybody'll look to me to get us out of the shit.
And I won't be able to.
You've got millions stashed away, so don't cry poor to me, Frank.
If you're trying to curb my spending, you'd better remember our deal.
OK.
Whatever helps you sleep at night.
I've done it.
I got you a pass for t'players' lounge.
Ace! Are you ready? What? - What do I do with that? - It was in your drawer.
- It's not mine, though, is it? - I know.
So who the hell's is it? I never even opened them drawers.
I've only been here a week.
Honest to God, Harley! If you've been cheating on me, I'll kill meself.
- You promised.
- I never.
Look, whoever lived here before, they must have just left it, that's all.
I just knew something was up, you down here on your own.
Bloody Tara Parker Bowles and that all over you.
Didn't I phone you every night? I'll prove it to you.
You know what I think about, Shan, honestly? Do you remember I told you I bought you summat? Well, er I were gonna give it you next week when I came home, like, but Go on.
Open it.
- You're not winding me up are you? - I'm not.
I want you to marry me, Shannon.
I can't do this down here on me own.
I can't believe it! Yes! Yes, I will marry you! Mega! - You're not supposed to before a match.
- I won't tell if you don't.
At least it's something.
We're sitting on a fortune, Conrad, and it's our money.
We should be grateful he could get his hands on anything so quickly.
- It's not enough, is it? - (Sighs) I'll go and see Jonno, see if he can pull a few strings at the casino.
(Car horn blaring) - Will you be careful? - Did you see that, Conrad? - Do you think it was them? - Amber, you've got to calm down.
I mean, you're giving me brain ache.
I said I'd get the money and I will.
Just cool it and trust me.
I'll call me mum.
Give me something to do before the match.
I'm a bit nervous.
- The other girlfriends'll look after you.
- What do I say? - (Alarm bleeps) - That's never yours.
Yeah.
Got it delivered yesterday.
- Pass your test, I'll get you one and all.
- Here.
Get a shot of me on it.
My brother's gonna go mental when he sees this.
(Crowd cheering) (Man) Here he is.
(Crowd) Harley! Harley! Harley! Harley! Harley, we love you! - There you are, love.
- Can you sign my t-shirt, Harley? Can you make it out to Andrea? Here, I'll do it.
- Why not make it slut? It's shorter.
- Shannon! You can't just go grabbing people like that! Makes for sorry reading, does it not? Please, don't let me interrupt you.
These are just chequing accounts.
There's got to be more.
You're a successful businessman, for Christ's sake.
No.
Just a sucker for football.
It's all tied up, Tanya, in the club.
- You should have told me.
- You haven't been listening.
But as it's you, I'll say it again, in blonde-speak.
OK? I shall be bankrupt if we don't turn this club around soon.
That plain enough for you? Well, it's reckoning day, mate.
You're on the team now.
Yeah, you haven't measured up, yet.
Big Ron's the standard.
Just need to know who's at the other end of the scale.
We can do it the easy way - Piss off.
- Come on, let's see it.
- Your choice, big boy! - (Cheering) - Is that how you get into a boy's pants? - I'm serious! Get off me! - (Cheering) - Oi! What are you laughing at, Bateman? Harley Lawson's whanger? Or the prospect of letting another couple of goals in today? Do tell me.
Nothing, boss.
I am sick to my stomach at the thought of this match and you women are arsing about like you've got a day off.
You've got more to worry about than your dick, kid.
I tell you what you got to worry about - my foot up your backside if you don't pull your girlie fingers out and play the game you trained for.
Next time you laugh is when we've got three points in the bag.
You got that? - Yes, boss.
- Yes, boss.
Oh! Look who's here.
Too busy slapping your mum to show up for the match? - Hang on, that's personal.
- It's cowardly.
I don't like cowards on my team.
Well, it won't happen again.
- Gates, you're skipper.
- Sorry? I said, I think we need fresh leadership, you're the man.
- You can't - Get out of my sight.
Get out! - Chas, get them ready.
- Let's start focusing on this game.
- Don't walk away from me, Pascoe.
- You just said I tell you what I said.
What kind of a man smacks his mother in the face, eh? - Something's wrong with you.
- Your wife committed suicide, has she? Oh, please, don't give me the violins.
I tell you what.
If it wasn't for Jackie begging me, I'd have decked you.
You make me sick.
Now get in there and get your kit on.
You want to make amends? Get out there and play your sorry arse off.
Or go home.
It's your choice.
'Conrad Gates now leads the side, 'a stunning move by the Earls Park manager.
Brave or rash, Jim? ' 'Possibly a point being made, 'if the rumours of a violent incident involving Pascoe are true.
'We all know Roger Webb isn't a man to tolerate incidents.
' 'That's half time and I'd like to be a fly on the wall in that dressing room.
' 'No doubt Pascoe will get a right rollicking for missing that sitter, 'although what Webb expects after demoting him so publicly, I'm not sure.
' - I can't believe it.
- He can't kick a ball.
Get me a drink, for God's sake.
Carry on like this, I won't make it through the second half.
A whisky on the rocks and a large vodka tonic, please, Matt? You're Tanya Turner.
- No, I'm not.
- I've seen you in Hello! magazine.
Oh, really? Well, it's Tanya Laslett now.
God bloody help me.
All right, Tanya? Two drinks? It's only half time.
One's for Frank, actually, but if you're hinting, then you can have them.
Calm your nerves after losing your little dog in such a gruesome way.
- Poor bitch.
- Simba was a dog.
- Excuse me? - Simba was a boy, not a bitch.
Oh, well.
No harm done, then.
Fry! Tell you what, that is what my brain is doing right now.
How many times have you ended up on the ground, eh? - Erm - Six times.
You got mad cow's disease? - (Sniggering) - No, boss.
No, boss.
Let me explain something to you, see.
Every time you're on your arse, I've only got ten men fighting their eleven.
Do you see the problem? Pascoe! When I was playing, a sitter equalled a goal.
How is it that when you get a sitter, it equals a goal bloody kick? Jesus wept! And Gates, you got something on your mind or something? Because I think I just gave you the job.
I don't know, maybe you didn't hear me.
- I don't think it's me who didn't hear.
- You what? - You got a problem, let's do it later.
- You got a nerve, skipper.
Don't blame me, I didn't smack your mum up.
All right, ladies, sit down.
Sit down! You look like shit.
What do you expect? Got half your clients out there behaving like tits.
Look to your manager, Frankie.
If he plays silly buggers just before kickoff, he's got to pay the price.
Listen, sweetheart, I don't know what your problem is but if it's got anything to do with what happened while we were away, you're being really petty.
Petty? - What, cos I don't want to shag you? - Please, Tanya.
It was a bit of fun, that's all.
Listen, Amber.
You can dress it up how you like but when all's said and done, you're just a pervert.
Mind you, I can certainly see why you were tempted when you thought it was just Conrad.
But it seems that cash is far higher up your agenda than a decent sex life.
I don't have to rely on group sex to get Conrad worked up, love.
Or did he not tell you about our little one-on-one at your party? In the laundry room? Went right through the spin cycle and, my word, he has got a full load.
You smug bitch.
Agh! (Chuckles) Get off of me! (Tanya grunting) Dirty old slag! You filthy slapper.
(Screams) (Amber yelps) 'The final whistle blows, time has run out for Roger Webb and his boys 'and Kyle Pascoe looks like he can't wait to get out of there - a day to forget.
' You wanna play ego bingo, practise on Jackie Pascoe, not on her bleeding son! I'm sorry, Frank, but the lads need a leader, not a loose cannon.
- He'd lost control.
- And you lost us the match.
It was a risk, I won't deny it, but I play to win, Frank, and my style works, long term.
You've got to give it time.
- If you don't like it, you know what to do.
- Spare me the dramatics.
Just get me results, cos if not, we'll be kissing goodbye to Europe.
And you see this? It's not a smile.
- My first match and it's a total disaster.
- Weren't your fault.
What the hell happened? If that bony-arsed cow comes near you again, then, I swear to God, Conrad, I'll bleeding scalp her.
- What? - Tanya Laslett.
- Our laundry room? - Oh.
- "Oh"? - Come on, let's go home.
Have you lot swapped places or something? Pansies on the pitch and a punch-up in the lounge.
I don't believe it.
Well, what was I supposed to do, hmm? Let her leather me? - Oh! - Frank, what is it? - (Groans) - Oh, my God.
Just try and relax.
- Oh, for crying out loud, leave off me.
- I'm trying to help you.
- Mr Laslett! Over here! - No, not today, mate, I'm busy.
- A few words? - In the car.
You're driving.
Don't be so stupid.
I'm gonna call one of the paramedics.
I said get in the car.
(Groans) It's happened before.
(Sighs) It's stress.
I don't need shots of me in the papers flopping about on my back like a kipper.
You should go to the doctor's.
You'll give yourself a bloody heart attack.
Fine.
I'll make an appointment.
Now just get me the hell out of here.
Hey, guys! Darius! Over here, mate.
Stand with Harley, yeah? (Camera shutters clicking) - Do you mind, darling? - She's with me.
And her name's Shannon.
Right.
Nice one.
So what's it like to have the new star as your boyfriend? He's not my boyfriend, he's my fiancé.
Brilliant.
Congratulations.
Give us a smile then.
Here you are, love.
Hold that above your head.
Give us a real sexy one.
(Photographer) Come on, over this way.
That's it.
- That's it.
Altogether now.
- (Shutters clicking) - (Alarm bleeping) - She was rubbing my nose in it.
I was gonna mention it, I just forgot.
- It didn't seem important.
- Well, it is important, Conrad.
I don't want you touching her again.
She's in my face and I don't like it.
I hear you, OK? Over.
Come on, we've got a lot to celebrate.
You're the captain's wife now.
No tears.
We'll celebrate when you've got the rest of the money.
I'm gone.
Where is he now? How should I know? Probably thrown himself in the Thames.
- He deserved what he got.
- If this is cos of the other night Hang on a minute.
I am running my football team the way I see fit.
I don't give you advice on how to change a nappy, now, do I? Look, Jack, if you and me's gonna work out, I need a bit of respect.
- He's my son, Roger.
- I know.
And if he performed on the pitch, I'd overlook a lot.
Come here.
Look, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, all right? Clean slate.
But he's got to behave himself.
- No, I'm sorry, Mr Pascoe.
- It's all right, mate, I am a member.
On red.
Fait jouer.
(Roulette ball clatters) He's out.
You've certainly made an impact, haven't you? How long you been here? Couple of weeks? And what we got? Pooch fricasee and girl-on-girl wrestling.
- Anything I should know about? - Me and Tanya fell out, simple as that.
And the dog curry - sniff of The Godfather about it, don't you think? If Conrad's into something, I want to know about it.
Yeah, well, it's not his fault, it's mine.
There's a lot of people don't like an Asian girl showing so much flesh.
Showbiz, innit? - A letter to the producer wouldn't do? - There's always one nutter.
Anyway, Conrad's upped security now, so it's all fine.
But I'll tell him you came round.
He'll be sorry to have missed you.
- (Crowd gasps) - 28 black.
(Conrad) Amber! - Well? - Jonno's gold.
Came up trumps.
- So you got it? - Nearly.
We're 500 grand shy.
Shit.
It's not like you ever wear the stuff.
We can get cash for it.
It's a one-off set, Conrad.
It was specially made.
Do you want these guys off our backs or not? Cos I'll sit tight if you ask me.
- Anything for a rush.
- Bloody brilliant day I'm having.
First Tanya Laslett tells me how big my husband's cock is, now this.
It won't happen again and I'll get you some more jewellery.
But we haven't got time to piss about at the bank.
So is it yes? Or no? Yes.
I'll make this up to you, sweetheart.
I promise.
' was far from happy to have to play most of the match with only ten men.
' - (Door slams) - ' I can't really comment on it ' Where have you been, Kyle? Hey.
I'll handle this.
Kyle, look, I've got killer decisions to make, day in, day out.
Now, I know you've been through the wringer just recently.
I've always got an ear for you, if you need it.
Save the smooth talk for me mum, boss.
Hey! You been drinking? You've got training in the morning.
You never used to drink before training.
It's a first, Roger.
- Who asked you? - Will you do yourself a favour? Hang on.
I'm trying to whip this team into shape and you're out boozing? No, you hang on.
This is my house, not yours and not Mum's.
I make the rules here.
If you don't like it, book yourselves into a motel.
I've got this much left, Jackie.
- Where are you going? - Didn't you hear? I've been sent off.
(Sighs) Ignore them, Shan.
It's just crap, it's what they do.
No wonder, anyway.
I look like Danny DeVito with a broken nose.
Shut up! I like the way you look.
You've just got to wise up a bit, wear summat smart for the cameras.
- That's me best top, Harley.
- So buy some new gear.
Treat yourself while I'm at training.
- I'll never spend all that.
- Course you will.
Go on, you deserve it.
You do love me, don't you, Harley? I mean, we are gonna get married? What do you think that is on your finger? - So can we set a date, then? - Yeah, course, whenever you want.
(Hazel) You on for lunch after? (Tanya) Aren't you meeting Kyle? Little bugger's blown me out again, hasn't he? Somewhere expensive, yeah? I'm working up a hell of an appetite.
Yeah, except I'll get a slapped wrist if it goes on Frank's credit card.
- Don't be daft.
- I'm serious.
There's a bottle of Bolly in the fridge.
Crack it open, love.
So I'll pay if Frank's too tight.
I wish that's all it was but he's seriously in the shit.
Fat bastard kept that one quiet till I married him.
- He's bluffing.
- I've seen his accounts.
He's ploughed everything into the club and I mean everything.
Bloody fool.
I'm telling you, rich Frank was bad enough but skint Frank, and skint, stressed out Frank? I've been conned, Hazel.
It's really bringing me down.
I know he'd run up some debt but he's always had a stash somewhere.
That's what I thought but apparently our lives depend on Conrad Gates.
Well, then, what are you worried about? Conrad's platinum.
- You don't have to tell me that.
- Well, I'd steer clear if you don't want Amber Gates ripping your tits off.
That Bollywood antique's all gob and nails, darling.
If she thinks a trick pelvis and a bit of Botox is all it takes, she's wrong.
Cos her husband wants me.
I can feel it.
So where are you taking me, then? What do you fancy? Anything but Indian.
Kyle, do you fancy a game of pool later? We're gonna make an afternoon of it.
- Are you taking the piss? - Oh, look, sorry, mate.
- It'll be wrapping chips tomorrow.
- Do me a favour.
Tell you what, people go to hell for what he did where I come from.
Yeah? I'm beginning to wish he would.
- Hi, Mr Gates.
- I told you I'd get the cash, so back off.
How will you pay, Mr Gates? That's none of your business.
But it is my business.
I haven't got the readies in the glove compartment.
You'll get it this afternoon.
Just stay out of my face till then.
The lane off the main road near your lovely home.
Four o'clock.
I know the way.
- Are you thick or what? - I've got to go out, Kyle.
I'm sure you had a really important meeting in Harvey Nick's.
There's paparazzi all over that place.
You seen what they're calling me? - Look, I was wearing shades, I thought - You're a selfish cow, Mum.
You've got to shit all over me in public? Just remember who pays Don't give me that.
I've never raised a hand to you in all my life.
I lose it once - I mean, once - and now I'm a serial killer.
So I said to myself, "He's either been knocked down by a bus "or he's stood me up again.
" And guess what? # Time # Don't you let me down again # Eyes # Won't you show me where I've been? # Trying # To push it all aside # Try # As I try # Eyes # Don't you let me down # I'm pissing against a bloody hurricane with you, Kyle.
Everything I set up, you screw up.
You let the Swatch deal slip through your fingers, now the captaincy.
I'm trying to do some damage limitation, you don't even turn up.
- I was busy.
- Yeah? And I've got all the time in the world.
Wake up, you gormless twat.
- I'm here now, aren't I? - Right, so We need some positive spin cos you're starting to look like Gazza with an attitude problem.
The world wants to see the grieving husband, the devoted dad, get your take on life without Chardonnay.
Oi! I ain't using Chardonnay to arse-kiss the press.
You're losing sponsorship gigs by the day, Kyle.
I don't care.
I earn enough money.
I don't give a shit about what these people think, I play football, or does that not matter any more? And what about life after football? You ever thought about that? Paddy's been asking for you, Kyle.
Thought you could give him his bath.
- Cheer you up a bit.
Didn't you, darling? - I tell you what.
Why don't you set up an interview with Paddy? Apparently, he can talk now.
Kyle! Get your skinny arse out here, we ain't finished yet.
Oh, I don't know what to do.
And Roger's had it up to here.
Yeah, he ain't the only one.
I hope for your sake that this settles your account.
- You know it does.
- Interest accumulates, Conrad.
We will let you know.
I look forward to doing business with you again.
Never.
You got that? It's finished.
Yeah, so like if the consultation goes OK, I can have the procedure in a week? Right.
Oh, no, no, I want to do it.
I'm sure.
OK.
Thanks very much.
- (Door opening) - See you.
- Shan? - In here.
Let's get a Chinese in, I'm starving.
OK but none of them prawn toasts.
I'm on a diet.
Did you get owt nice from the shops? Couple of pairs of shoes but I'm still looking.
'Ey! Let's get practising for our wedding night.
So why can't you come after the game? Cos I'll have to get the later train then I won't be there till night.
- Me mum sounds rotten, Harley.
- But it's only flu, you said.
I don't want to go to the match, anyway, to be honest.
I'm letting you down next to all them model types.
Don't be soft.
Look, it'll only be a couple of days.
Me mum's dying to talk wedding plans.
- I call you after the match.
- No, I'll call you.
Cos I tell what, if we lose, I'll be in no mood.
OK, but just the mobile, remember? I don't want my lot listening in taking the piss.
Tell the doctor to give you some Prozac, yeah? It really worked for Chardonnay before - she died.
- Forget about what I'm doing.
Just make sure you don't start any more cat fights, OK? You're representing me and both our necks are riding on this match.
Stop worrying, Frank.
I want a solvent business, too, you know.
Sam.
Tanya Laslett here.
(Radio) ' past the defender.
' ' shoots wide ' That's £24, please, love.
Can you turn that up a bit? 'What a strike! A fantastic goal from newcomer Harley Lawson - 'and he is absolutely delighted.
' - Yes! 'That's the first time Roger Webb's cracked a smile for a long time as well.
' Well, we've got them worried but it's not over yet.
Keep the edge.
- Pascoe.
- Boss.
- You're letting that centre back rile you.
- He's always digging me out.
So you want to kick his head in? For the next 45 minutes, the only thing I want to see you kicking is the round white thing, yes? Lawson, nice play, son, but don't rest on your laurels just cos you scored one.
Nice one.
Keep the shape, keep the discipline and keep it simple.
We do the simple things and the rest will follow.
Let's get out there and let's have it.
- Beautiful, mate.
- Cheers, skipper.
'And that's it, the whistle blows at the end of a very bad-tempered game.
'There's relief etched all over Roger Webb's face.
'The first win in a run of six, in spite of being a man down.
'After that run-in with Dupuis, 'I think Karl Pascoe's face is as red as the card he was shown.
' (Sighs) Well at least something went right today.
Even if it was half-arsed.
I'm sorry I didn't have better news for you, Frank.
You see this? It's taken a lot over the years.
Take a bit of time to really digest it.
Then I'll come back and see you, we'll talk about your treatment and where to go from here.
Where is there to go? You're telling me my heart's knackered.
At least I can concentrate on getting this lot back up the table.
You've only got a few months, Frank, and that's if you take it easy.
Think it through.
You've worked like a bastard for years.
What about living for a while? Work is living for me, Guy.
I'll see you later.
And er cheers for telling me straight up.
Breathe deeply and count backwards from ten.
Ten nine Skipper, Sam says Frank Laslett wants to see you in the physio room.
Brilliant.
First it's Webbsy, now it's the big guns.
That's what you get for winning.
Not you they should be shouting at, mate.
Frank? And there was me expecting an old fat bloke.
You do know how to cheer a boy up, Mrs Laslett.
I didn't think you'd come if you knew it was me.
You've got a short memory.
Because of your lovely wife.
Yeah.
Sorry about that, she's got a temper.
It's my fault.
- I should've told her about us.
- I don't think she likes me very much.
Looks like I crossed the line.
Amber doesn't want me to see you again.
I'd worked that one out for myself.
But I wanted to see what you thought about it.
I've never lied to Amber before.
And I don't want to start now.
Well, see you in the lounge, then.
I get you, Tanya.
And that's the problem.
Where's Dupuis? I want a word.
I can't.
I promised.
So why are we stood here, then? I mean it, Tanya.
- I understand.
- Oh, Jesus! So I'll say goodbye, then.
I want to.
If you push me - Are you asking me to? - (Shouting outside) (Crashing) (Shouting) Get off me, you wanker! Ah! Oh! Jesus! I got backing from some friends.
We'd like to buy you out.
Two sizes up is what most girls go for.
This'll give you a prominent cleavage.
Yeah, go on, then.
Come on, Conrad.
Are you gonna strap me in or do I have to call for assistance?