Friends s03e02 Episode Script

All right, they got water, orange juice.
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and what looks like cider.
Taste it.
Yeah, it's fat.
I drank fat! I know, I did that two minutes ago.
Hey, Mr.
Tux.
-Why aren't you dressed? -We have a half-hour.
That was four minutes ago.
We have to be out the door at 7:40.
Relax, we'll be ready.
It takes us two minutes to get dressed.
I'd feel better if you got dressed now.
-Okay.
-Okay.
Oh, look at you.
All sexy.
Really? -How come you didn't come over earlier? -Because I' m a stupid, stupid man.
Hey, Ross, want some cider? No.
So you' re pretty close, huh? Makeup's on.
Hair's done.
I just have to get dressed.
And that takes, what? Just 6 or 7 minutes? Yeah.
Once I figure out what I' m wearing.
Glass of fat? The One Where No One's Ready .
:staz:.
(staz@post.
cz) What's the matter? You nervous about your speech? Nope.
-You wanna hear it? -Am I in it? After I thank everyone for donating to the museum.
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I sing a song about the wonder that is Joey.
Hello! You look great! Thank you.
I know, though.
You see this? This is a person who is ready to go.
Phoebe, you.
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You are my star.
Well, you' re my lucky penny.
All right, I took the quiz.
And it turns out I do put career before men.
Get up.
What? -You' re in my seat.
-How is this your seat? I was sitting there.
But then you left.
Well, it's not like I went to Spain.
I went to the bathroom.
You knew I'd be back.
What's the big deal? Sit somewhere else! The "big deal" is I was sitting there last! So.
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it's my seat.
Well, actually, the last place you were sitting was in there, so.
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You guys, you know what? It doesn't matter.
You both have to go get dressed before the big vein in my head pops.
I just have to do one thing.
It's not a big deal.
Get up! Phoebe, you look great! All right already.
Are you gonna do magic? That's funny.
Change.
-Hang on, I just got in.
-I don't care.
It starts at 8.
We can't be late.
"He could not, would not, want to wait.
" Our table is down in front.
My boss will be there.
Everyone will see if we arrive after it starts.
Has somebody been drinking my fat? Does this look like something a paleontologist's girlfriend would wear? I don't know.
You might be the first one.
-Rach, did you check the machine? -No.
Wait.
This is the outfit that makes my calves look fat.
Never mind.
Well, Joey, I wrote a little song today.
It's called, "Get up! " All right.
You can have the chair.
-Really? -Oh, my.
Would you look at that? It's me, I'm coming over.
What if I'm already there when you play this message? Is that too spooky? Hi, Rach, are you there? It's me.
Pick up.
Rachel? Rach? What? Never mind.
Monica, it's Richard.
Call me.
Is that message old or new? Old or new? Old or new? It's definitely old.
Didn't you hear the double beep? What if it's new? We agreed not to talk.
It could be important.
Shouldn't I call him back? Honey, you did call him back.
It's old.
Yeah, see, Mon, listen.
Listen.
When Carol and I broke up.
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I went through the same thing.
You know what I did? I got dressed.
Really, really quickly, okay? Okay? There we go.
There we go.
You know what? Don't get up.
Just sit there.
I just hope you don't mind my hand right here.
Not touching.
Can't get mad! Not touching.
Can't get mad! Not touching.
Can't get mad! Oh, my God! You rotten boys! -Sorry, Phoebe.
-What am I gonna do? Don't rub it! What gets out hummus? What gets out hummus? Monica! What gets out hummus? If it is a new message, what is he calling to say? Okay, thanks.
Yeah, I'll try that.
Maybe he called to say you' re obsessive and crazy? -So should I call him back? -No! No! -Fine, we'll both sit in the chair.
-Fine with me.
I am so comfortable.
Me too.
In fact, I think I might be a little too comfortable.
Okay, we have 1 9 minutes.
I want you to go and change.
When you come back, Joey will go change and he'll have vacated the chair.
-Okay.
-All right.
Fine.
I' m going.
When I get back, it's Chair City.
And I' m the guy.
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who's sitting in a chair! Is this a little too-- Pheebs? What happened? I got the hummus.
Oh, honey, we'll find you something.
You wanna wear my black jacket? -It won't go with this dress.
-You' re right.
-Well, let's just get you out of that.
-No, no, no.
Not "out of that.
" -Not "out" of clothes.
-Can Phoebe borrow your green dress? I called him.
Yes.
I got his machine and I left a message.
But it's okay.
It's okay.
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because it was, like, a casual, breezy message.
It was breezy.
Oh, God, what if it wasn't breezy? How could it not be breezy? No.
Because you' re in such a breezy place.
I got it.
I'll play my message and you guys tell me if it's breezy enough.
But how you gonna do that? I know the code to his answering machine.
Okay, Mon, I really don't think this is the-- Okay, you' re dialing.
You are dialing.
Hi, this is Richard.
Please leave a message at the tone.
You have two new messages.
What a cool job.
"You have two new messages.
" Please pass the pie.
Hi, it's Monica.
I'm just checking in.
I got a message and didn't know if it was old or new.
So I'm just checking.
So let me know.
Or don't.
Whatever.
I'm breezy! You can't say you' re "breezy.
" That negates the "breezy.
" Hola.
It's me.
Yesterday was really fun.
Call me about this weekend, okay? Now, she sounded breezy.
He's seeing someone.
I can't believe he's seeing someone.
-You don't know that.
-Well, whose voice was that? Maybe it was his sister's.
Maybe it was his daughter's.
Michelle.
Of course! Did it sound like Michelle? Oh, great.
It's starting to rain.
That'll make it easier to get a cab.
It was Michelle.
It was definitely Michelle.
Try Monica's green dress.
If it doesn't fit, wear my gray silk one.
-Unless I wear it.
-You don't know what you' re wearing? I' m just trying to look nice for your big night.
Yeah, which we have to leave for in 1 2 minutes.
Come on, I'll just pick something out for you.
You'll notice that I' m fully dressed.
I, in turn, have noticed that you are not.
So in the words of A.
A.
Milne, "Get out of my chair, dill-hole.
" Okay.
-What are you doing? -You said to give you the chair.
You didn't say anything about cushions.
They' re the essence of the chair! That's right! I' m taking the essence.
Oh, he'll be back.
Oh, there's nobody in the room.
-I' m sorry, I thought it looked pretty.
-That was a Halloween costume.
Unless you would like me to go as Little Bo Peep.
I didn't recognize it without that inflatable sheep.
Yeah, which, by the way, Chandler, I would like back one of these days.
Rach, good! Listen, isn't this perfect for me? Oh, it's perfect! But not for tonight.
Of course, not for tonight.
Hi.
I' m going to a benefit.
Not for tonight? What are you doing? No, I' m sorry.
We didn't mean it.
I love you.
Breathe.
We used them as pillows when we went camping.
What? The sheep.
Hey, what you do on your own time.
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Where's my underwear? -Come on, you took his underwear? -He took my essence! Okay, hold on.
Why can't you just wear the underwear you' re wearing now? Because I' m not wearing any underwear now.
Then why do you have to wear underwear tonight? It's a rented tux, okay? I' m not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues.
Then somebody's gonna have to give somebody back his cushions.
Okay.
You hide my clothes, I' m gonna do the exact opposite to you.
What, are you gonna show me my clothes? Hey, opposite.
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is opposite.
He's got nothing! Okay, I' m ready.
Rachel didn't have anything I liked but this ribbon.
I thought, all right, I'll be political.
-What are you supporting? -Christmas.
Hey, that's okay with me.
Two down, and I have exactly 1 2 minutes-- What? My watch stopped.
My watch.
Okay, see.
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the dinosaur tail isn't going around anymore.
What time is it? It's 7:33.
I have 7 minutes.
I have seven minutes! Which shoes should I wear? The black or the purple? -Just pick one, okay? -Oh, okay, okay.
The black.
Do you have black with little strappies? Yeah.
But those go better with pants.
Maybe I should wear pants.
Yeah, pants! What an idea! Or better yet, go without pants.
I don't know what you' re doing, but just get in there.
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and pick out any shoes that fit your feet.
I don't care if they match.
I don't care if they make.
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your ankles or your knees or your earlobes look fat.
Just do it! Go in there, pick something out so we can go.
-All right.
-Thank you.
I've got to call Michelle to see if that was her voice.
It was.
It was her voice.
Monica, I think you've gone over to the bad place.
Hola.
Hello? Hello? -Okay.
That was her, right? -Definitely.
Yeah.
So there you go.
We' re out of the woods.
I think I'll get dressed now.
-I'll get it.
-Okay.
Hi, Monica and Rachel's.
Yeah, just a second.
Can I ask who's calling? It's Michelle! She must have that "caller l.
D.
" thing.
You should get that.
Michelle? Yeah, that was me.
I dialed your number by mistake.
Just try to be-- You' re so sweet.
Yeah, we were a great couple.
I know, I really miss him.
Well, you know how it is.
It's just that.
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You know what's weird? Donald Duck never wore pants.
But when he gets out of the shower.
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he always puts a towel around his waist.
I mean, what is that about? I only beeped in so I could hear my own message.
I mean, that's allowed.
I would really appreciate it if you wouldn't tell your dad about-- What do you mean, you don't feel comfortable with this? We' re friends! That bitch always hated me.
I' m calling her back.
-Okay, fine.
-Okay.
-She's got a phone in there, right? -Okay, we' re on it.
I know it says "black tie optional" .
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but this may be pushing it a little.
I' m not gonna go.
You' re not gonna go? No, I think I' m gonna catch up on my correspondence.
How can you not be going? I' m not gonna go.
So I think that will accomplish the "not going.
" You know, just out of curiosity-- Ever since I was humiliated and yelled at in front of my friends.
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I' m just, I don't know, not in a very museum benefit-y kind of mood.
Right.
Well, okay.
Okay.
God, I' m sorry.
I' m sorry I yelled.
-That's fine.
-No, but you' re mad.
I' m not mad.
I' m just not going.
-Right.
-Okay.
You know that I have to go, right? So is it gonna be, like, I' m abandoning you while you' re upset? -No.
-No? -You' re not upset about the yelling.
-Right.
And the humiliating.
Well, of course, the humiliating.
So we.
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we' re okay? -We' re good.
-Right.
-Honey? I love you.
-Yes, Ross.
Get away from that phone! She's just getting dressed now.
Is it wrong that I was totally aroused by that? Okay, buddy boy, here it is.
You hide my clothes, I' m wearing everything you own.
Oh, my God! That is so not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear! Look at me! I' m Chandler.
Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando.
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It's hot with all this stuff on.
I better not do any, I don't know, lunges.
Okay, enough.
Enough with the lunging.
I' m sick of this.
I've had it up to here.
Neither of you can come to the party! Jeez, what a baby! Way to ruin it.
I was just gonna go get dressed.
The only person I cared about getting dressed.
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is the person who's not even gonna go.
Look, Rach, I' m sorry, okay? Look, I was a jerk, okay? I' m sorry I yelled.
I want you there.
I need you there.
What can I do to show you how much I want you to be there? You could drink the fat.
Welcome to an adult conversation.
No, no, no.
Now wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
-That actually sounds interesting.
-What? I think you should drink the fat.
Okay, if that's what it takes to show you how much you mean to me.
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and how much I want you there, that's what I'll do.
Let me get you another glass.
That's been sitting out.
I think this will be fine.
Okay, vanilla milkshake.
Just a vanilla milkshake.
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with chicken bits floating in it.
Cheers.
No, don't! Okay, okay, I'll go.
I'll go.
You will? You were really gonna do that.
Well, yeah.
You were gonna drink the fat.
Let's see what else he'll do! How about you get changed? Give him his underwear.
I'll get a cab.
I want everyone downstairs in two minutes.
Monica! Stop it.
Stop it! Ross went to get a cab, so we-- What are you doing? No, Monica, no! Hi, this is Richard.
You have three new messages.
Not anymore.
Message erased.
To record your message, begin speaking at the tone.
Hi, Richard.
It's Monica.
Listen, I did something kind of crazy tonight.
Maybe I' m getting my period or something.
I don't know.
Anyway, I beeped into your machine and I heard this message.
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that freaked me out.
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and Michelle will tell you the rest.
I' m sorry, okay? And I hope that we can just forget the whole thing.
Your outgoing message has now been changed.
Outgoing? Did that say outgoing? Not outgoing! Hi, Richard, it's Monica.
Listen, I did something kind of crazy tonight.
Maybe I'm getting my period or something.
I don't know.
-How did you do that? -I don't know! Goodbye.
Okay, I've got two cabs and no people! Go, go, go! Maybe we can call the phone company to change the message? They could change his number.
I think after this, he'll be doing that himself.
Rachel! You.
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You look.
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And I still have about five seconds to spare.
That was about 7 seconds.
So we' re a little late.
Come on.
Oh, and by the way.
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What? I' m going commando too.
Dr.
Geller? -Sherman Whitfield, London lnstitute.
-What a pleasure.
I was quite impressed with your paper on pre-Cretaceous fossils.
Yes.
It confirmed everything I'd written.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Yes? You' re kind of sitting in my seat.
What do you mean, your seat? -I mean, I was sitting there.
-But you got up.
But I never left the room.
But you left the chair area.
All right, that's it.
Give me your underwear.