Fuller House (2016) s03e02 Episode Script

1 Oh, thanks, Freddy.
There's nothing like a Mango Madness after my six a.
m.
Zumba class.
Mmm.
There's my Uber.
My sister took my car last night, and she never made it back.
Here.
Keep the cha-cha-change.
Come on, not even a cha-cha-chuckle? Hi.
I'm DJ.
Oh.
I have the exact same car.
You're Ilsa? Uh Ja.
Ilsa.
I've never had a Swedish Uber driver before.
Ja.
Ilsa.
Stephanie! Stephanie? Ja? What are you doing with my car? Well, I was rehearsing all night with my band, and I just figured I'd pick up a few fares on the way home.
You're using my car as an Uber? Ah, Ilsa is.
Stephanie only had a one-star rating, but Ilsa is killing it.
Excuse me.
What are you doing? Chill, Deej, this is an Uber Pool.
This is Dennis.
Dennis is going to the airport.
Here, would you care for some orange slices or some bottled water? Hey! Those are for Max's soccer team.
Deej, they're oh and six, they don't deserve snacks.
Ooh! Hello, cologne.
This is Larry.
Larry's going to the pier.
OK, everybody, seat belts, please? Whoa! Oh, Dennis! Larry, we're really getting to know each other.
Amazing! You've seen this 800 times, and it's still a surprise.
Top of the morning, people.
As you can tell by my ensem, I'm having a pool party today.
With my lady, Rose.
I should do some push-ups to stay swole.
Oh, yeah.
Locked and loaded.
Little Romeo, can Tommy come? Sure.
As long as he doesn't cramp my style.
You hear me, Tommy? Mom, have you had him evaluated yet? Tommy's fine.
All right.
If you're not worried, I'm not worried.
Mom, I'd love to go to summer school today, but unfortunately, I got a bad case of head lice.
- Really? Let me take a look.
- Ah.
You don't want to come too close.
It's gross.
Nice try, Jackson.
This is rice.
What? I'm infested with lice and rice? Get going.
I told you to go with the couscous.
Nobody talk to me.
I'm very upset, and I'm not in the mood to talk about it.
What are you upset about? Wow.
You're not gonna let this go, are you? OK.
Steve wants a Japanese wedding planner for his Japanese wedding in Japan.
Oh, he has lost his mind.
He sure has.
I'm a wedding planner, and I was never even considered.
Because I don't speak Japanese and I've never been to Japan, and the only thing I know about them is they have a huge Godzilla problem.
Here we go.
Oh, yes.
Here we do go.
I'm gonna get Steve to change his mind, and you're gonna help me.
Mom, no.
It'll be a great mother-daughter bonding experience.
I have plans with Popko.
You can come to Japan with me.
Sayonara, Popko.
Hola, sad friends.
And soon to be former roomies.
As you know, today I will be moving next door, into the old Gibbler home.
I know how much you will miss me, so here's a roll of Bounty for your tears.
Kimberlina, it is not too late to change your mind, and move in with me.
I told you.
I like it here.
I'm not moving.
Gee.
You could soft pedal it a little bit.
DJ, Kimmy, get in here, great news! You guys are being so strong.
But I know my leaving is killing you.
Just leave your house key on the counter.
Such courage.
Fellow she-wolves, my Uber days are over.
Behold, my first Spotify check for my song "The Boy Next Door.
" Ka-ching! Congratulations! Congratulations! Now you can pay me back the money you borrowed to buy Kimmy's Christmas present.
Hey! I lent Stephanie money to buy your Christmas present.
What can I say? I'm a giver.
Then give us our money back.
Man, all the relatives come out of the woodwork when you get rich.
All right.
Here we go.
50,000 streams.
That has got to be worth Three dollars and 35 cents? That can't be right.
It's not.
That's before taxes.
OK, look, I'll admit, my finances aren't exactly in order, and I don't have my own car, or a bank account, and I live in my dad's basement, but, yeah, on the plus side, it's Plus side, anyone? OK, I'll admit, I'm a mess.
No, you just need a little help getting your act together.
Have you ever thought about a life coach? I can't afford that.
I can't afford anything.
I mean, I am down to one good bra.
Well, what if I knew a life coach who would do it for free? Someone who's got it totally together Emotionally, spiritually, physically, but it's her modesty that is the envy of all.
Gee, I wonder who you're talking about? Me.
- You? - Yeah, me.
What about me? - You? - Yeah, me.
What about me? - You? - Yeah, me.
Wait, what are we talking about? Whatever it was, I don't care anymore.
Unless it's lunch.
In which case, I'll take a Cobb salad, dressing on the side.
Oh, come on! Let me be your life coach.
Well, as hard as this is for me to say, I could use your help.
Yes! Glorious day in the morning! Oh, I knew this moment would come.
Fixing Stephanie by Donna Jo Fuller? Why is this so thick? I've been working on it since high school.
Let's start with the two-mile fun run.
You can do this.
You can do this! OK.
I hear you.
But your crazy eyes are freaking me out.
Steph, do you need help? Oh, no, you've done enough.
Sweet cheese, what happened to her? Stephanie broke her ankle on our run.
Which wouldn't have happened if my life coach hadn't been racing me because she always has to win.
What I don't always have to win.
Then why did you yell out, "Last one home is a rotten egg," and then you let out your evil witch laugh.
I don't sound like that.
Yeah, it's more like I'm sorry about your accident, but you shouldn't have tried to catch me by running through that lady's yard.
Well, I would have been fine, if she hadn't turned the hose on me.
Then I stepped in that gopher hole.
Sweet cheese.
That is some story.
Oh, no, you have broken your leg.
It's my ankle.
I stepped in a gopher hole.
You were distracted because you were so upset about me leaving.
Nope, that's not it.
There, there.
I know it's a dark day.
But I will cheer you up.
I will sign my name.
Please don't.
It is no trouble.
Fer nan do.
OK, first name's just fine.
Hernandez.
You know what? That's It's good.
Stop signing.
- How long is your name? - Guerrero.
Give me the pen.
Stop.
Here.
I want you to spend the day working on your five-year plan.
I'm gonna take the day off.
And the next five years.
That's my plan.
Come on.
Remember what I told you.
"When life gives you dilemmas, make dilemonade.
" Is that what you were saying? I couldn't hear over the ambulance sirens.
Wait, what? What's that I hear? I get knocked down, but I get up again Ah, ah, ah, ah I actually got knocked down, and I can't get up again, so wrong song.
No, perfect song.
I get knocked down, but I get up again You're never gonna keep me down I get knocked down, but I get up again You're never gonna keep me down I get knocked down, but I get up again - Come on, Steph! - You're never gonna keep me down I get knocked down, but I get up again You're never gonna keep me down He drinks a whiskey drink He drinks a vodka drink Whoa, whoa, whoa! We don't sing the drinking part.
But I am very proud of you for getting in the spirit.
Oh, I knew I could turn you around.
Oh! Oh.
That was sort of witchy.
Hey, Max.
Hey, pretty lady.
Just so you know, she's here to keep an eye on Tommy, not us.
Nobody drown, or I'll get, like, super grounded.
How about a little music to set the mood? Alexa, shuffle "Hot Jams for Juniors.
" You're pretty fly for a white guy.
And your pool, it's so warm.
It is warm.
Too warm.
Tommy! Ew! Well, hello, Max.
Hello, Taylor.
Hey there, Rose.
Taylor.
So, Max, I see you're having a baby pool party.
It's not a baby pool party.
There's an actual baby.
Are you pool-shaming me in front of my lady? Because that's uncool.
What's uncool is your pool, fool.
Bam! OK, Tommy, let's go get you a juice box.
You can reload in case the pool gets cold.
By the way, Max, did I ever tell you that Rose was my first girlfriend? In kindergarten.
Is that true, Rose? We all have a past.
It only lasted three recesses.
Besides, it meant nothing.
She made me a hand turkey that says otherwise.
Did I mention I just got a new aboveground pool? Would you like to come for a dip? No, thank you.
I'm happy here with Max.
If you change your mind, I have a foam noodle with your name on.
Man, Taylor's such a show-off.
But you do deserve better.
I can't believe you made him a hand turkey.
And after only three recesses.
Hi, Mom.
What happened to you? Broke my ankle in a gopher hole.
I'm gonna be lying on this couch for six weeks.
Oh, man.
You're so lucky.
It's always open.
Hey, guys.
Steph? I broke it in a gopher hole, and no, you are not signing it.
Moving on.
Kimmy sent me the weirdest text.
"Enter the dragon if you dare.
" Signed "Kimmy-San.
" Konnichiwa, my peeps.
I take you now to a beautiful Japanese garden, somewhere in the shadow of Mount Fuji.
Brought to you by Gibbler Style Party Planning.
- Kimmy! - Mom! I'm good! I can't run across a lawn, but she can roll down an entire flight of stairs? At the altar, you and CJ DJ, be CJ.
are wrapped in the finest silk, while in the distance, the traditional Taiko drums echo the lovers' beating hearts.
Beating hearts, Ramona.
Sorry, I was still thinking about your tumble.
How are you OK? The lovers' eyes meet, as they say their "I do's.
" And a gentle breeze brings a kiss of cherry blossoms floating down from above.
This was very impressive Kimmy, but I I'm not finished.
Follow me.
What Wait.
No.
Seriously, how did that fall not kill you? No.
It's OK.
I really don't need any help.
I can crawl to my crutches.
Feast your eyes upon the all-you-can-eat buffet! From Kimmy-hana.
Sit, Steve-o-san and Dijon.
Mount Fuji.
Aw, I love you, too.
Aw! It is so hot! But so good! So, do we have the job? Gibbler Style, you are planning my wedding! Oh! Arigato! One, two, three.
And sparkle.
And sparkle.
And spin.
And spin.
Spank, spank, spank and spank, spank! Yee-ha! So? What did I miss? Try one of these.
Mmm Mmm I am allergic to shrimp, but yum.
I thought we agreed on no coaching before coffee.
Oh, we're not doing coffee this morning.
We're doing kale.
Aw, kale no.
This is how I start every day.
Healthy breakfast, healthy body, healthy mind.
Deej, let's be real.
I'm never gonna be perfect like you.
What? I'm not perfect.
Yes, you are.
You're a fantastic mom.
You're a doctor.
You do charity.
You're in great shape.
You're even wearing heels on a Saturday morning.
They help me reach the pancake mix.
The truth is, I am far from perfect.
In fact, I have a dark side.
Don't tell anyone, but under the broccolini, I hide my secret stash of Oreos.
Brace yourself.
They're Double Stuf.
Oh, you are evil.
And while I'm confessing, behind all my self-help books, I keep my treasure trove of trashy romance novels.
Right now, I am halfway through Barefoot with a Bad Boy.
Oh, and he is so bad, and his feet are so bare.
Mm.
Oh.
And there's one more thing.
Every Friday, I schedule five minutes to cry alone in my room.
You schedule your breakdowns? Why would you be crying anyway? Well, sometimes I just get overwhelmed.
I I'm trying to be the perfect mom, but I I worry that I'm not doing enough.
And plus, I have a lot of people and animals that depend on me at work and then I'm trying to build a relationship with Matt and make sure that he's happy and I I'm probably not drinking enough water and Oh, great.
And now I'm crying.
It's completely unscheduled.
Oh, come here.
Come here.
Deej, you're doing a fantastic job.
But you're so busy taking care of everyone else, you need to remember to take care of yourself.
I really have to work on that.
Hey, who's coaching who? You're right.
I am the one who's a mess.
You are not a mess.
It's just You are so talented.
And you have so much potential.
I want to help you reach it.
Well, you know, actually, your little five-year plan idea? It was really helpful.
And, you know, after living here, and helping you take care of those sweet boys, it has made me realize just how much I wanna be a mom someday.
Somehow.
I think that's a great idea.
Thanks, coach.
Hey.
Who took DJ's secret Double Stuf Oreos? You knew about those? I love eating them while I'm reading Barefoot with a Bad Boy.
When did you find out about all these? While you were crying in your room.
Every Friday.
This better be good, Fuller.
Voilà.
Holy moly! OK, Tommy.
Let her rip! This is so much more fun than an aboveground pool.
Whoo! I rented the Aqua Bounce 3000 with my birthday money.
Anything for my lady.
Oh, Max, this was so sweet of you.
And guess what? I made us "his and her" hand turkeys.
Wow, Rose.
Thanks! Well, Taylor, this must be a pretty hard moment to swallow.
You won the battle, Max, but not the war.
- This isn't the last you've seen of me.
- I know.
We have racquetball on Sunday.
Cool.
The time we all have dreaded has come.
I am moving next door, so I must bid you a fair fondue.
You mean a fond farewell.
No.
I left you a fair fondue in the fridge.
It is just so-so.
Ladies, remember the good times.
You know how I hate to be dramatic, so let me just say, Fernando, out.
I forgot.
They're tenting my place for termites.
Fernando back in! One, two, three, four