Ghosts (2021) s03e02 Episode Script

1
I might be a while if you're
waiting for the shaft of light, Pete.
Oh, that's okay, you take your time.
Gives me pleasure to
see you getting pleasure.
Just take it.
[LAUGHS] Ooh, Jay's new TV
arrived from Amazon Prime.
Didn't he just order that yesterday?
The modern transport of
goods is truly a marvel.
So much efficiency, so few horse deaths.
Jay, they're here, you can
make your announcement now.
Okay, here's the deal, people.
This is for Livings only, okay?
I need one TV that isn't dominated
by ghosts watching trash reality.
Bodybuilder Wives is not trash.
It's a peek behind the
curtain of seven brave women
and the musclebound men they love.
Although, Skank Wars
Sure, that's harder to defend.
Guys, Jay has been putting in long hours
planning the restaurant.
He deserves to relax, kick back,
watch the Knicks lose in 4K.
Good smack talk, babe.
SASAPPIS: Speaking of the restaurant,
has Jay given any
more thought to my idea
about putting in a pizza oven?
Gas or wood-fired, I'm not picky,
but, you know, probably wood-fired.
Sass is asking again about
you buying a pizza oven.
Sorry, Sassarino,
it just doesn't work
with the kitchen layout.
First, tell him to
never call me that again,
and then convey my deep
disappointment about the oven.
JAY: So what are we thinking, babe,
hang it on this wall, right?
Oh, I don't know, I think people
usually put them above the fireplace.
Sort of a focal point.
What? [LAUGHS] That's way too high.
You want the TV to be at
eye-level when you're sitting.
It's called optimal viewing angle.
Oof, that was dripping
with condescension.
That's the attitude that got Magenta
kicked off of Skank Wars.
[CHUCKLES] Right, but
if we put it there,
then we'd have the back of
the couch facing the door,
and that's bad feng shui.
PETE: I got to go with Jay on this one.
You don't want to be craning your neck,
and that's coming from a guy
who knows about neck pain.
Agreed. James Madison's hunting print
was hung several feet too high.
We could barely stare at it
for the entire burn of a tallow candle.
Wow, you guys did not have
a lot to do back then, huh?
Other than invent democracy?
[CLEARS THROAT] Amongst Europeans.
♪
How are the ghosts liking the marinara?
Talk of food remind Thor of Flower.
She also ate food when alive.
Many times.
- They seem to be enjoying it.
- TREVOR: Well, he's still struggling.
I feel for the guy, but
she's in a better place.
Any place would be better than here.
A prisoner in my ancestral home,
my kitchen reeking of exotic foods.
It's spaghetti.
So many vowels.
[SIGHS] I understand Thor's frustration.
After all, Flower was his
third paramour to be sucked off.
She was?
Oh, that's right, I keep forgetting.
None of you were around
for Luella or Flat Maria.
Flat Maria?
Until you've seen it,
you can't imagine what a herd of
cattle can do to the human body.
Oh, Jay, this is so sad.
Apparently, Isaac says
Thor's had three girlfriends,
and they all got sucked
off after dating him.
Aw, poor guy.
Sounds like he's got a Good Luck Chuck
situation going on.
Good Luck Chuck is a movie
about a guy named Chuck
who slept with a lot of women.
Flawless premise.
And every woman that he hooked up with
would marry the next man that she met.
So, if Jay is correct,
and this is indeed a
Good Luck Chuck situation,
do we believe that any woman
Thor becomes romantically entangled with
may end up getting sucked off?
ISAAC: Possibly.
[SIGHS] That poor Viking bastard.
Interesting.
[SNORING]
[UP-TEMPO ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]
ANNOUNCER: Jay Arondekar
at the charity stripe,
game on the line, to
win the championship
and save the world.
Pizza oven.
What? Get a pizza oven.
You want a pizza oven.
You can't live without a pizza oven.
Shooting two.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
Yes!
- Whoo!
- Wood-fired!
CROWD [CHANTING]:
Wood-fired! Wood-fired!
- Wood-fired!
- Huh?
CROWD: Wood-fired!
Hey there, Thor.
Am I interrupting anything?
I thought maybe you could
use some cheering up.
Not interrupting. Thor just
thinking about emptiness
of universe, futility of existence,
deliciousness of cod.
Mm.
Poor Thor.
You've been through a lot.
Maybe there's some way I can
help you relax.
Oh, yes, that very kind.
Mm-hmm. Mm.
I always forget how
pungent that wolf urine is.
Is highest quality.
First squeeze of dead wolf bladder.
- Mm.
- Is most coveted.
[CHUCKLES] So interesting.
[GROANS]
It is nice.
Don't be afraid to really get in there.
HETTY: I believe I'm in as
deep as I'm prepared to go.
Question:
what the H-E-double-hockey-sticks
were you doing in Sam and
Jay's bedroom last night?
What are you talking about?
You thought I was
sleeping, but I wasn't,
'cause of my sleep apnea,
which I assumed I'd get rid
of when I died, but I didn't,
so I'm always a little tired.
SAMANTHA: Oh, hey, sweetie.
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm just marking off
where the TV would go,
if, you know, we put it where
Reddit and the Geek Squad
and common sense say it should go.
- And what are you doing?
- I'm following Samantha for the day.
It's Wednesday.
Jay, that would mean
the couch goes there,
- which is insane.
- I don't know,
the couch over there might look nice.
Oh, the ghosts are laughing at you.
I was thinking about
switching to Thursdays, but
Wednesday is the day that
Samantha flirts with Kevin,
the water delivery man.
- I do not.
- What?
Nothing.
So, what is that?
Are you looking up pizza ovens?
Yeah, it was the strangest thing.
I woke up this morning
absolutely certain
that we should get a pizza
oven for the restaurant.
SAMANTHA: I thought you said it
wouldn't fit with the kitchen layout.
The man's allowed to
change his mind, Sam.
JAY: I don't know.
I just woke up convinced,
so I'm gonna find a way to make it work.
You're the chef. [CHUCKLES]
Looks like it's your lucky day, Sass.
Yeah. Very lucky.
Well, I have Zoom yoga.
[MOCKING]: Well, I have Zoom yoga.
50 bucks says there's not a
single Indian person there.
So, yesterday, Jay says he
doesn't want a pizza oven.
Then you did some weird
thing to him while he slept,
and he just woke up wanting one?
Yeah, pretty cool coincidence, huh?
What's going on, Sass?
I don't know what you're talking about.
We are roommates. I
tell you all my secrets.
You know about my Loni
Anderson river rafting fantasy.
- What's your point, Pete?
- The point is, I tell you
everything, and I know there's
something you're not telling me.
And-and if you're doing
something to hurt my Jay
Would you stop? Keep
your voice down, okay?
I'm not hurting Jay. Just listen.
It's my ghost power.
Okay? I can subtly influence Livings
by going into their dreams.
Just don't tell anyone.
Cheese and crackers. That's incredible.
Holy guacamole.
Would you please stop swearing
cleanly? It's very annoying.
PETE: It's just, that's one heck
of a ghost power. Cookie Crisp.
I mean, dip my chip, you can
jump into other people's dreams?
Shh! Yes, okay? And no
one knows other than Thor,
who I had to tell because
we were alone together
for many years, and there
were a lot of awkward silences.
So, you can just make
people do whatever you want?
Well, it's not that simple.
I have to gain their trust,
repeatedly show up in their dreams,
and the person has to be susceptible.
Luckily, Jay's mind is like taffy.
Wait, so-so you're, like,
always hanging out with Jay, huh?
- Yeah.
- What what does he dream about?
- Uh, mostly basketball
- Cool.
- and space travel.
- Love that.
And, sometimes, he has a dream about Sam
- in that, uh, Princess Leia bikini.
- Of course he does.
Jay's a real wife guy.
Hmm. But I got to say, I mean,
this doesn't seem ethical, Sass.
I mean, mind controlling people?
Don't you dare say anything, Pete.
Okay? We're roommates, right?
We keep each other's secrets.
But this affects other people.
I mean, I-I don't think Sam and Jay
would appreciate what you're doing.
Well, I know someone
who would appreciate it.
You.
When Jay puts your
favorite camping treat
s'mores on his restaurant menu.
I can make that happen,
if you play ball.
Just think about it.
Graham cracker,
chocolate, and that white stuff
that showed up, like, 100 years ago.
- Marshmallow.
- Marshmallow.
No! I can't.
Look, the only s'more I'm interested in
is s'more integrity around here.
- Ugh. You're so lame.
- Yeah,
that may be true, but at
least I can sleep at night.
Well, I mean, if it
weren't for the apnea,
which, again, is so weird that
that exists in the afterlife.
Mm
Hey. You doing okay, Trevor?
You look like when Sam and Jay
put parental controls on the Internet.
I don't think things are
working out with me and Hetty.
Didn't you two break up?
Oh, right. No, we just told you all that
so we could sneak around,
which makes the sex hotter.
Child, you two are exhausting.
[SCOFFS] I know.
Anyway, I just saw her
trying to seduce Thor.
Wait. What? Our Thor?
"Never learned pronouns" Thor?
Yes. Although, I know it's not
like she's into him for real.
She's just trying to get sucked off.
Uh-uh. Back up. Walk me through this.
Okay, Isaac told us
that Flower's actually
the third girlfriend of
Thor's to get sucked off.
Basically, people think
he's like a ticket to heaven.
Interesting.
I mean, it's gross, right?
Using him like that?
Not to mention, completely rude to me.
Very interesting.
SAMANTHA: Pete just told me
what you've been up to, Sass.
Are you kidding?
You've been entering my husband's dreams
to manipulate his thoughts?
Okay, yes, but I really
wanted a pizza oven.
Wait, where's Isaac? I thought
he was shadowing you today?
Yeah, he fell asleep during
child's pose, so I snuck out.
The point is, this is a huge
breach of trust and privacy.
Not to mention, it's creepy.
Just stay out of Jay's head.
I'm sorry. Lesson learned.
- Thank you.
- And you know what?
I'm proud of you, Sam.
- What do you mean?
- Well, I just think that
another wife, a lesser wife,
might want to use this power
to her own benefit. Like,
I don't know, to win an
ongoing marital dispute.
Did you guys ever decide where
to put the TV, by the way?
What are you saying?
Oh, I think you know what I'm saying.
And you know where to find me.
Oh, there you are.
Man, I feel refreshed.
Now, down to the desk for the
weekly sorting of the mail.
[SINGSONGY]: Wednesdays.
[CONTENTED SIGH]
We need to talk.
Trevor.
Is something troubling you?
Yeah, something's troubling me.
We're secretly hooking up
and you're secretly trying
to hook up with my roommate.
Oh, you're talking about the Thor thing.
Well, there's nothing secret about it.
I was most overt, I left the door open.
We literally can't close doors.
Okay, I get why you're upset.
But if you
truly cared for me,
wouldn't you want me to get sucked off
by being with your roommate?
- Well
- In a way,
isn't it you who's being selfish?
The point is,
I forgive you.
No. No. This? You and me, is over.
What you did with Thor was wrong.
And just so you know,
Alberta agrees with me.
Alberta knows about Thor's magic hammer?
Yeah, and she found your
behavior "very interesting."
- Is that what she said?
- Yeah. Twice.
So
sorry, sister, but I'm
walking through this door
- and I'm not coming back.
- I've got to go.
SAMANTHA: Oh, morning, sweetie.
- How'd you sleep?
- Incredible.
Do you know where our tools are?
I did not sleep well.
My tongue literally
slips into my throat.
Which is already pretty
packed real estate.
Why do you need the tools?
I'm going to hang the TV.
I woke up thinking about it
and you know what? You were right.
- What?
- Really?
Yeah, I mean, who cares
about optimal viewing angle?
You want the TV over the mantle.
No, you don't, that's what she wants.
I cannot believe you.
Now you're using Sass
to get what you want?
Well, Jay, it was such a trivial matter.
And not remotely worth
getting worked up about.
But I'm glad it's behind us now.
You're a bad lady. A bad, bad lady.
I mean, walking in and
seeing the back of the couch.
I mean, w-what are we, animals?
- Right?
- Bad lady!
ALBERTA: You know, I was
thinking about that story
you were telling the other day.
The one about you raiding that village
using those big, strong
arms of yours. [LAUGHS]
That's many of Thor's stories.
Can you be more specific?
The one where you ripped a pig
apart using your bare hands.
Do you remember what type of pig?
Thor? Just the man I was looking for.
Alberta, mind if I steal him for a sec?
Actually, we're kind of
in the middle of something.
I bet you are.
Unfortunately, I really
must speak with Thor alone.
Whatever you need to say to
Thor you can say in front of me.
Back off, woman.
Mm. I go first. You owe me.
Your son killed me and
you hid it for a century!
I've been stuck here longer than you.
If anyone's getting sucked
off, it's gonna be me.
What do you mean, "sucked off"?
Oh, uh
You misheard me.
Let's talk about cod.
- Oh, wonderful fish. Flaky.
- Mm.
Enough!
Someone tell Thor what's going on here.
HETTY: Thor we have
been informed
that when you date someone,
they tend to get sucked off.
So you just
using Thor to get to Valhalla?
Preying on Thor's
painful past with Flower,
Luella,
Flat Maria.
My little pancake. [GRUNTS]
So I need you to use
your power to alert Jay.
Write on the mirror,
send a text message.
I don't want to micromanage,
but he needs to be warned.
Hold up.
This whole time, Sass
has had the ability
to manipulate Livings' dreams?
Yep. And now Sam is getting him
to use it for her own evil purposes.
I mean, can you believe that?
So, Sass can use his power
to help other people get what they want?
- Exactly.
- Interesting.
I don't think it's a good idea.
I mean, we're kind of
pushing our luck here.
Do it or I'll email Jay
and blow up your whole game.
You got this.
[EXHALES]
The Blorzaks are tracking us.
- I want rear shields to full.
- Yes, sir!
Here's your space report, space boss.
It's exactly what I feared.
That is a lot of space.
Shall we engage the atomic torpedoes?
Actually, what I think we need is
Oh, what was that thing you wanted?
A Kathy Ireland poster.
- She was a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model.
- Okay.
The only thing that can save the ship
is a Kathy Ireland poster.
What?
According to my database,
she's a late 20th century supermodel.
What are you guys doing?
Are you going into Jay's dreams again?
Pete, go back to sleep, okay?
I'm just helping Trevor.
It's not a big deal.
Pete? Trevor?
What's going on?
Damn it. Dream Jay is suspicious.
Hey.
You're the pizza ref.
And the old fortune teller who told me
to hang the TV over the fireplace.
Chef, the Blorzakian warships
Not now, Flargon.
Are you
Are you Sass?
Now he's asking if I'm Sasappis.
I mean
[SCOFFS]
No, I'm not.
Then how did you know his full name?
Okay, Sam made me do it.
Okay? Sam made me do it
and-and I like the TV
where you wanted it.
[GASPS]
You are so busted.
PETE: You made your bed, Sam.
And now you got to lie in it.
Get it?
Because she's sleeping.
And also guilty of a deceitful act.
JAY: Hey, sweetheart. Good morning.
I made you your favorite frittata.
That's so sweet of you.
There's nothing there.
Because I didn't make you a frittata.
I lied.
Sucks when you can't
trust your partner, right?
Jay knows, he knows everything.
Yeah, I got that, Sass.
Oh, interesting. Is your invisible
creepy dream creeper here?
Tell him I tried to warn him.
I-I'm sorry, can someone catch me up?
PETE: Sass has been controlling Jay
by entering his dreams,
it's his ghost power.
Seriously? And I get the fart thing.
Okay, Jay, I'm sorry.
It was very dumb of me.
I only found out about Sass's
ghost power two days ago.
I-I should've told you right away.
But no, you wanted to
win a stupid argument.
And I don't even care about the TV.
I care that you violated my trust.
[SARCASTIC LAUGH] But it's
not just you I'm mad at.
He's not mad at me, is he?
I had his back all along.
I got this badge for loyalty.
Oh, no, wait, that's apple picking.
I do so much stuff for the ghosts.
Unlike you, I don't
even get to see them.
And now I learn, all this time,
one ghost had the power to
actually sort of be my friend
and he took that power
and used it to get me
to do even more stuff.
Sam, just please tell Jay I'm sorry.
Sass says he's sorry.
[LAUGHS]
It's cool.
I guess I just know where I stand.
Whew. [LAUGHS] I'm relieved.
Thor?
We owe you an apology.
It was very wrong of us to try
to seduce you for our own benefit.
The thing is, we were
just jealous of Flower.
Hetty and I have both had some
very big suck off-worthy moments.
There's no excuse.
Intimacy is sacred act between
two people who love each other.
Or between dozens of
strangers at mead-fueled orgy.
You're right, we're
very sorry that we tried
to take advantage of you
at this difficult time.
Thank you. It is difficult.
Flower not just most adventurous lover,
she also only ghost who
ever really take time to
listen to Thor.
You know, Thor,
I'd like to hear the rest of that
"splitting the pig in half" story.
I also want to hear
about splitting the pig.
You're just saying that.
Damn right we are.
Now, you tell us and we're gonna
listen to every gory detail.
Okay, well,
what a lot of people don't know
is pig has weak spot in spine.
And once you locate spot, well,
you can just rip it
in half just like goat.
- [LAUGHS]
- Hey, big guy.
Oh, sorry.
I was actually hoping
to catch you alone.
He's wise to the whole
Good Luck Chuck thing, Nancy.
What Good Luck Chuck thing?
I was just waiting a
respectful amount of time
post-Flower, but, uh
Cards on the table.
I want to climb that tree.
[CHUCKLES]
- To the top.
- [HETTY GASPS]
Whew. [GRUNTS]
ANNOUNCER: Arondekar at
the free throw line again,
but this time he's just
sitting sadly on the floor.
What a turn of events.
- Hey, Jay.
- Let me guess.
Hetty wants a mound of ghost cocaine?
Uh, I mean, if that's
something you could arrange,
I'm sure she wouldn't turn it down,
but that's not why I'm here.
ANNOUNCER: And now the referee
is sitting down with Arondekar.
This is unprecedented.
I wanted to tell you myself
I'm really sorry, Jay.
I'm never gonna trick you again.
Partly because now that
you know what I look like,
it won't work, but mostly because
you don't do that to a friend.
- You want to be friends?
- Yeah.
We had a lot of fun
fighting those Blorzaks.
And if it's not too boring,
maybe we could hang out once in a while.
I'd like that.
Bring it in.
ANNOUNCER: He's hugging
it out with the ref.
Jay's opponents are stunned. One of whom
appears to be his high
school calculus teacher.
Where's your homework, Jay?
[GASPS]
Everything okay?
Yeah, babe, just having a good dream.
And that was Good Luck Chuck.
Hope you all enjoyed, if any
of you are actually in here.
Chuck very lucky.
For in the end, Chuck find love.
But, alas
for Thorfinn there
will be no happy ending.
ISAAC: What's going on?
Why isn't Jay watching
the new TV in the den?
Ugh, they gave up on
that. Too much arguing.
They decided it was better
that no one be happy.
Marriage, am I right?
Hey, please don't say
that. Isaac's engaged.
Marriage is great, Isaac.
Your wife was sleeping
with your best friend.
But I didn't know that.
You're right. Good point, Pete.
Hey, Jay, what do you say
we put these decorations up?
Halloween is just around the corner.
Sounds good, babe.
Wait a minute. Halloween.
Remember last year we
brought that super hot maid
back from heaven with the séance?
Are you saying we
should bring Flower back
from heaven this Halloween?
Can we please have one normal year?
Yes! This Halloween,
we bring back my girlfriend from heaven!