Happy Endings s03e02 Episode Script

I didn't think we could top last Halloween, but we did it.
Are we gonna see any Jackson 5s tonight? Yep.
Are we gonna see any marionettes? Most def.
Are we gonna see mos defs? I wouldn't know it if we saw it.
But I guarantee we are gonna be the only marionette Jackson 5.
- Yes! - Wait.
Which Jackson 5 am I again? - You're Michael.
- Hoo-hoo - Jane is Jackie.
- Mm-hmm.
- Penny is Tito.
- Little T! Max is Marlon.
ah-ba-doh-bo-bo I'm Joe, and Dave is La Toya.
Why do I always have to be La Toya? Shut up, La Toya! - No! - Smack it! La Toya should always shut up! - She deserves it.
- All right, here we go.
Halloween train all aboard! Chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga Ooh.
Ow! Pull it! - All right.
- Kick back, kick back.
- Penny! - Pull it back.
Collateral damage.
- We gotta go back.
- Why are we turning? - I got confused.
- Aah! - Oh! - There we go.
Halloween blows.
Drink.
Whoa! Hey, hold on, guys.
Good one, La Toya! Why you so stupid, huh? You're so dumb.
You a dumbass bitch, La Toya.
Now go up quick, up quick.
Up top! - Oh, drink, drink, drink! - Aah! It's all on La Toya's beard! - As the public face of our little gang here - Self-appointed.
I would like to thank Jane and congratulate her on another amazing Saturday brunch.
- Mm.
- Aw.
You go, girl! You go to hell, girl! There's no rosemary sun-dried chicken apple pesto in that sausage! Those aren't cage-free huevos! No.
That is not fresh-squeezed juice.
That is from concentrate.
Concentrate! I'm trying, but I don't know what you're talking about.
Well, since Brad is not working, we've had to cut back a little bit.
We were spending 5 grand a month on "of the month" clubs.
How much could you really spend on-- Tea of the month, cigar, beer, soap, month.
- Month of the month? - Yeah.
August was March.
I miss "time of the month" club the most.
Don't worry.
It's not what you think.
It's a clock that tells you when your period's coming.
- Yes.
- That's a great idea.
Well, big news out of this corner.
These two are gonna meet with a real estate agent and look at apartments today.
Stop! Before you start, just stop right in your tracks.
We know what you're thinking, okay? That we're moving too fast, but we can't go backwards.
We just can't.
Yeah, Jane, you're probably like "Bad idea.
I'm gonna do my kegel exercises," and, Penny, you're probably like "OMG.
This is so not amah-zing.
" Yeah, and Max is all, like "You guys are so stupid and so not fierce.
" - And then Brad-- he's like - "Aw, hell, no! You two whiteys are moving in together? Jive-ass turkeys!" Don't even say it like that.
Wait.
Al, you are so offensive, - but I'm gonna miss you as my roommate.
- Ooh! Dave! I am gonna miss you paying all our rent.
I mean, half the rent.
I mean, no one's getting scammed by anybody.
Welp, I am gonna go.
Wait.
I thought we were hanging out today.
Um, we just did.
Did you wanna do more? Wait.
The not looking me in the eyes, the nervous tick in your boob - What? - Wow.
- Did it right there.
Look at those things.
- You're jumping like Kris Kross.
- Bouncin'.
- Are you making a major purchase today? - No.
- Because you know that I am the closer of the group, and I will get the best deal and more.
Remember when I took Max to get a candy bar? This thing's filled with 40 pounds of nerds! Still can't get that mother open.
D-die! Aah! Die! Hang on! Hang on! Open Well, farewell.
I am not purchasing anything of significance.
Good day, lifelong friends.
CCH Pounder! I know you're buying something big, so out with it, vato.
Okay, fine.
I-I'm buying a new car, and I didn't want to tell you, because I-I knew you'd want to come along.
Uh, doy.
Of course I want to come.
I'm really good at buying cars.
I know, which is why I knew if you came, you would just, like, take the whole thing over, and I really want to do this by myself.
Look, you're my friend.
Okay, I love you.
I just want to help.
So bring me along, you know, just as, like, a-a backup.
Okay, fine, but I totally know which one I'm gonna get, and I have all the info here in my purse.
Man alive! Are you a witch? Huh.
What?! No! Crap.
Damn it! Hey.
Black best friend-o, what's going on? Why so glum? It's Saturday, and I used to look forward to my usual satty D's, but now I can't afford to do any of my normal routine.
Well, BBF, why don't you tell me what you used to do on your Saturdays? Well, GFF Gay fat friend.
Oh.
I start out with lunch, then I do a little clothes shopping, work out with my trainer, and then end the day with a steam.
The perfect sabado.
Dude, you know what? We could do that all for no money at all.
Welcome to Maxworld, TM, circle-R.
Really? Wait.
You trademarked and registered Maxworld? It's kind of a long, drawn-out, complicated story, with a bunch of different parts.
- Basically, I didn't.
Let's go.
- Ah.
Mwah! Mm.
This is it.
It's exactly what I've always wanted! Let's buy this baby! Hold on.
Let's not start bottom-frenching just yet.
Buying a car is like going to war-- a very small war inside of a car dealership.
There's gonna be casualties.
Probably you.
A little friendly fire.
Oh! Yes, okay.
Who are you? Oh, I am Guy.
Welcome to the Car Czar.
We know what cars are.
Stop it! Penny, what are you up to? Oh, I'm writing him a check for the car.
It says the price right here on this little sticker.
Boop.
Boop.
Okay.
You are never supposed to pay that price.
Oh, right.
How much do you tip on a car? Hello! Hi.
I'm Suzanne Thomson-Perez-Kline-Jensen.
- Hi.
- Ow.
Are we excited? We are gonna find you two knuffle bunnies an apartment today.
So what do you think, huh? Two beds, two baths, too great a deal for you to pass up.
Yep, I did it.
Well, the two of us think it's too-riffic.
Yeah, I didn't do it.
Well, what he's trying to say is we like it.
News flash-- that's great news.
I have the paperwork here.
All I need for you guys to do is sign it, and you kids will be locked into a 2-year lease.
Is two years a problem? Uh Uh Yeah.
- Yeah.
- No, two years is too short.
Why don't we make it a 10-year lease? - Or 20 or 40.
- Okay.
Let's die in this bitch.
Although this particular bitch does have some issues.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, - yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Uh, yeah.
- Hella issues.
Something's wrong.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
- It's a-- it's a thing.
- Mm.
- A thing? - It's a grande thing.
Shame on you.
- Right.
- Okay.
Okay.
- It's a-- it's a m-m-m-- it's sort of a me-- me.
- It's a m-m-- - It's a shi-- shi - Some shi-- shia.
- Shia! - Shia labeouf-y! It's too shia labeouf-y.
Too shia labeouf-y.
Okay.
I get it.
I guess, uh, uh, that the fireplace-- the fireplace is too labeouf-y.
Okay, so we are forging on.
I will find you the perfect place, or my name is not Suzanne Thomson-Perez-Kline-Jensen.
Gotta ask.
Are those three hyphens? Four, actually.
Uh, Thom-Sun-- two names.
I was married to a Korean guy for a hot minute.
Yeah.
His hobby was smoking indoors.
- Hmm.
- What? Okay! Let's move on! Ready.
Okay.
I don't know, Max.
I don't think we should be here.
Dude, these drunks know how to do it, plus everyone loved my speech.
Thanks for sharing that story about your dad and the ice tray.
No.
Thank you, man.
Every day's a gift.
Mm-hmm.
I just wish this coffee was a beer, huh? Hmm.
Yeah.
Dude, I don't even want any of this stuff.
I asked for a healthy lunch.
Okay.
This one was for me.
You're next.
Thanks for sharing that story about your dad and the ice tray.
Every day's a gift.
Yeah.
Just wish this coffee was a pizza, huh? Hmm.
Yeah.
Should we do one more? Yeah.
Yeah.
Let's do one more.
Thanks for sharing that story about your dad and the ice tray.
Just wish this coffee was a vagina, am I right? Penny, this is about more than just a car.
Okay? This is about your life.
You control your own destiny, like Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games.
Oh, my God.
I love those books.
You read them, too? No, that stuff's for dorks, but I knew it'd get you excited.
Oh.
Okay.
It is time for the walkout.
The walkout? When guy comes over, I want you to look him right in the eye, and I want you to say to him, "what's your best price?" And when he gives it to you, I want you to say, "no, thank you," and then I want you to just calmly walk out.
Can you do that? Yes.
Yes, I can.
So, ladies.
What is your best price? Did you want the 2-door or the 4-door-- No, thank you! I'm okay! We're not paying for that.
This place has all the things you want that the last five places didn't have-- skylights, gym, close to a hardware store, but far from a software store.
This chandelier's gonna make it tough for chicken fights.
Do you guys have a lot of chicken fights? Enough that it's a real concern.
Yeah.
Ready? Whoo! You know what? You know what? This is-- this is my fault.
I never asked you guys about yourselves.
How can I be expected to find you the perfect place if I don't know your story? Well, Alex and I have known each other for a long time.
I mean, there is quite the history there.
- A lot of ups and downs.
- Yeah, left him at the altar for a guy in rollerblades.
Oh! That one stung! - Sorry.
- But not to worry, Suzanne.
I did a lot of rebound between the sheets-ing.
Sluts.
- And then, one magical night - Oh.
We rekindled our fire in the back of my award-winning food truck.
Well, that certainly is a, uh, unique story.
Um, I can understand why you're-- why you're hesitant choosing your apartment.
- Hesitant? - Hesitant? - Hesitant? - Hesitant? - Hesitant? - Hesitant-- is that even a word? - Yes, it is.
- It is? - No.
It is.
- Oh.
We just want to make sure that the apartment we find is perfect.
Me, too.
Okay, now before we go, are you sure this place won't work for you? Well It could work.
Yeah, I mean, it is charming as hell.
Does it have wi-fi? Yes.
Yes, of course.
- Ooh.
No bueno.
- Ooh! No.
No.
No.
No.
We're old-school.
We like dial-up.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, babe, do your impression.
- Really? Okay.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Bom-- ee-- bom-- ee-bom.
Here comes the connection.
You've got mail! Thanks for signing up for our cell phone and credit card combo plan, Mr.
Kerkovich and Mr.
Rose, at our competitive - Sweet.
- Not a good rate.
And that, my friend, is how you go clothes shopping in Maxworld.
This is fun, man.
And these hats are cool.
Ah.
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
White.
So what's next on your saba-do list? Uh, right about now, I'd meet up with my trainer Gunther and go for a run.
Nobody motivates me like that guy.
Nobody, huh? Nobody.
Well, I think that's Child's Play 2 When nature calls.
Excuse me, big country.
Hi.
Could you tell me how to get to the YMCA? - Yeah, you go right down that street-- - Shut up! Shut up! He told me to do it! I ain't running from no one.
Aah! Aah! Aah! Okay, I think I have all the options that you want here.
Should be all good.
Let me just run it by the Car Czar.
He knows what cars are.
Yeah, you do that, chooch.
You go run it by the Car Czar.
Oh.
There is no Car Czar.
No Car Czar? Then who knows what cars are? Oh, my gullible, chesty friend, you better buckle up, 'cause this is when they make us wait for hours and assume you will take any price when they finally come back, but we're not gonna do that.
We're not? No.
We're gonna be ready for all their little tricks.
Watch.
They're gonna turn the air conditioning off in three two But that's just a coincidence.
Sure.
Now someone's gonna come in and offer us a pathetic amount of water.
Sorry.
This is all we have.
Now you're gonna sneeze.
You're a warlock.
Must be strong, like Hermione in the Harry Potter books.
- You read those? - Dorks.
Whatever.
If they don't match my price, I'm still gonna buy.
S-- they're listening.
Oh, oh Hmm.
Hmm.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
Aah! When I had you to myself I didn't want you around those pretty faces always make you stand out in a crowd Yeah.
This place is haunted.
No money down! Hey! Penny.
Hey, Penny! What are you doing? Why do-- why do you have a pen in your hand? What's happening right now? What, are you signing something? I don't think you should sign something.
- I don't think that's a great idea.
- Great news! Guy got the Car Czar to agree to the price we want.
Booyah! Okay.
No booyah.
Because you know what? It took too long, and now we want better.
So we reject this deal, guy.
- No, we don't.
- Yeah, we do.
The clock is ticking on this deal.
No.
We want it.
We want it.
Jane, I'm happy with this deal, and I'm taking it.
That's it.
Okay? Do you hear me? Yeah, I hear you.
You're just wrong.
Guy, you can do better.
Jane, stop it.
Taking this deal does not mean that I'm settling or that I don't respect myself or that I can't be the heroine of a series of self-published postapocalyptic tween novels who may or may not be named Teegan Arrowspear.
I just want to buy a car! Aah! Aah! Damn it! That we will pay for.
I gotta admit, Maxworld is kinda doing me right today.
You know, I feel bad I couldn't figure out the last thing on your saba-do list-- the steam.
I know what to do.
Oh! Oh, yeah.
- Oh! - Oh, yeah! - Ohh, yeah! - Ohh, yeah! Williams? Is that you? Paul, hey.
Damn.
What happened? You got fired, like, a month ago, and already you're homeless? Oh, no.
We were just-- I gotta go.
Forristal's got us working weekends.
Listen, take care of yourself, man.
- But - What a shame.
F.
Murray Abraham! Listen, I'm sorry, Penny.
I shouldn't have taken this whole thing over.
Then why did you? Because I'm Jane.
I could not help myself.
I get carried away because I want what's best for you, and I guess I thought that maybe you couldn't-- What? Do it myself? Uh So I just spoke to the Car Czar.
He's pissed.
We're gonna give you the car, plus a big rebate.
Just-- just don't cry anymore and leave now.
Deal.
Thank you.
I'm getting blackout drunk tonight.
Okay.
Have fun.
Oh, my Keyser Soze.
You planned that whole thing.
You did the tearful walkout on him and me.
I am proud of you, Teegan Aerosmith.
It's Arrowspear.
- It's not great.
- No.
I never would've pulled this off if you hadn't pushed me.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Now let's go buy this car.
Yes.
Let me just grab my license and registration.
Aah! Jane? Jane? Jane? It was just so humiliating having Paul see me like that, you know? Oh, I know.
Cindy Brunswick caught me picking boogs in class.
Ugh.
Been there.
Did you eat it? Oh! Martin, you gotta pick it and flick it, man! Yo.
What's up? You guys talking boogs? - Yeah.
- Did you eat it? Oh, come on, man.
You gotta pick it and flick it, bro.
Ugh.
Hey, Brad, I, uh, I think I threw you into Maxworld a little too quickly, and I wanted to say I'm sorry that you were embarrassed in front of Paul.
Yeah.
You know what? He's going into the office on a Saturday.
The guy has kids and never even sees them.
Yeah.
Paul is living the dream.
Um Oh.
Oh, you-- you mean that not seeing your kids is-- is a bad thing? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Proceed.
I just need to find something that's in between working 80 hours a week and crashing some lame kid's boring birthday party.
Hey.
I'm right here.
Oh.
Martin, I didn't mean you.
I was-- Whatever, Brad.
I had to sit here and listen to your lame wrap-up.
Get a job! Okay.
This is the only apartment in Chicago that you haven't seen yet.
It doesn't have a secret turny-aroundy bookcase, but it's zoned for one, and I got a guy.
It is perfect.
Mm-hmm.
Al, what do you think? It's great! Yeah.
- Okay.
- Although-- No! No! - No more "althoughs"! - I just-- No! You shut your face! - I think he's trying to say-- - No.
Not you, either.
You know what? This is not my fault.
This is your fault.
You two should be hesitant about living together.
You know, your love story that I said was unique? Yeah, it isn't cute.
It sucks! You two have been making stupid excuses all day because you know in your stupid hearts you should not be living together.
But it's up to you.
What the fuck are you gonna do? - Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
To your new place.
It is stunning, simply stunning.
Man, you honkeys gonna like it here.
Let's check out the bathrooms, see where these whiteys do they business.
You people are getting way too comfortable.
You know what? I felt that.
I'm sorry.
That was inappropriate.
- Yeah.
- It really was wrong.
Well, we did it.
Yes, we did.
We got a place together.
To the best decision we ever made.
Ah.
Ooh.
I'm gonna just, uh, check out Yeah.
Yeah.
Jane Kerkovich? It is I, the Car Czar.
I know what cars are.
Oh, my God.
You do exist.
In my 15 years of selling cars and my 10 years of owning a zoo, I have never seen a better negotiator.
I want you to come work for me.
Mr.
Car Czar, I am flattered, but I already have a job that I love.
That's what I'm willing to pay you.
Mm.
Here's my counter.
No one should ever leave the house without their ideal salary written on a folded-up piece of paper.
That's my counter.
Here's mine.
Sweetheart, you got yourself a deal.
Mm.
Now that I'm on the team, you gonna tell me what cars are? Ah.
That's pretty much what I thought.
It's all they are.
Wow! I'll see you on Monday.
Okay.