High Maintenance (2016) s03e02 Episode Script

1 WOMAN: Oh, my God.
The chicken is definitely worth the wait.
Are you? Hello? WOMAN: Excuse me? Sir? - Sir! - (SNORTS, STAMMERS) Hey! (CHUCKLES) I'm sorry.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
- My blood.
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm so sorry.
Jeez Louise.
You were talking about, uh Remind me again what you were talking about.
Yo! You take my photo at the top of the hill - (TIRE POPS) - Oh.
I'm smiling and laughing, yeah, I'm having a thrill Fuck! For a fleeting moment, I forgot the bomb (DOORBELL CHIMES) Future feeling bleak so I jot down a thought (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (QUIETLY): Ms.
Grandin? Temple Grandin? (CLEARS THROAT) Hey.
No Yo, yo, yo, yo! Aah! Fuck! (ETHEREAL ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING) ABDULLAH: Yeah, nah, man.
I'll work weekends, whatever.
No problem.
Great, so let's have me Monday through Wednesday, and you Thursday through Sunday, and then we'll just do that for the rest of the summer.
Oh, no shit.
You're really feeling that RV life, huh? Yeah, dude.
More upstate.
It's it's fucking cool, man.
I met this woman up there.
She's pretty cool.
She's got a dog.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Here's the best part.
(ETHEREAL ELECTRONIC MUSIC ON CAR STEREO CRESCENDOS) You really timed out the music very well.
Here it comes, here it comes.
Oh, yeah! Yeah! I know, right? Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God.
I can't stop coming to this place, man.
- Wow.
- I just wanted you to experience that, you know what I'm saying? Man, I I literally have been here three times this week.
Uh, can you take me to Eastern Parkway? Yes, but you wanna go around one more time? - Oh, yeah.
- (LAUGHING) THE GUY: I don't know much about her, man, but I don't think she lives in New York.
But Claire Danes does, you know.
Why do I care about where Claire Danes lives? What does that have to do with anything? 'Cause Claire Danes played Temple Grandin in the movie.
- There's a Temple Grandin movie? - Yeah, man.
That's (MUTTERS) - It's gonna be a good night.
- Legends of the Hidden Temple.
- Yeah.
- Why are we talking about this? We were we were talking about your bike.
Oh, Dude! I saw Temple, then I go outside, and my bike was stolen.
- Aw, man! - Yeah.
That sucks.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah, it really is a bummer.
It's a brand-new bike, too.
Aw, shit.
Well, have you checked Craigslist? I have some friends who found their stolen bike on Craigslist.
No, I didn't even think about that.
Yeah, man, it's not just all sublets and cum.
- It's also bike pirates, you know? - Yeah.
MARTY: You picked the wrong guy today.
You ain't nothin' but a common criminal, common criminal Stealing my bike while I'm in the store Get a job and get your own bike Oh, what's this? Hmm, all right.
Uh-oh.
What's going on here? (YELPS) (GRUNTING) MARTY: Common criminal, common criminal You're a common criminal Oh, what do we have here? Okay.
Yeah.
MARTY (LAUGHING): Hell yeah.
Oh, yeah.
ART: I'm sorry you have to go through this all the time.
My son's coming in here for July 4th.
Hello, I'm Marty.
Period.
I saw your fish tank, and I am very interested.
Period.
Can I come pick it up tomorrow night? Question mark.
(PHONE CLATTERS) Oh.
Hmm.
Common criminal (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Hey, what's up, fellas? I'm looking for Don.
From Craigslist.
Don (MOANING) (GRUNTS) Don? Are you Don? Are - Is that D ? - (MEN CHATTERING) Thanks, fellas.
Thank you.
I'm Marty from Craigslist.
I hit you up about the seats? (AIR HISSING) (HISSING STOPS) Damn.
Yo, Don! He talks, you gonna be here all night.
DON: So, I was telling this to your boss.
The last testing we did was 10, 15 years ago.
But he was saying that's too recent, but here we are.
- I'm sorry? - Let's just get this over with.
I don't have all day.
How long you think it'll take? I'm I'm Marty.
I e-mailed you about the sedan seats on Craigslist.
Oh, I I I thought you were with the lead inspector.
You see, they're finally trying to get some of those developers interested in this lot.
That's why it's this empty.
Oh, yeah, there they are.
There are the seats.
- They're beautiful seats.
- Whoa.
No, no, no, no, no.
- Is this blood? - Yeah, from a car crash.
I haven't had a chance to clean them yet.
But the seats are beautiful.
You know, I can give you some cream of tartar and lemon juice and it'll come right out.
You know, there's some beers in the cooler.
Help yourself, and I'll be right back.
I'll get that cream of tartar and lemon juice.
Oh, uh You wouldn't be interested in a bag of sand, would you? Nah, I'm good.
Ah, shit.
Man, this is cursed sand.
Back then, nobody wanted to live around here.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
Shit, there wasn't even no cars on the street.
Boy, we used to have some fun in them cars.
- Huh, back in the day.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey now, don't spare the cream of tartar and lemon juice.
You should put some on that end, so it'll soak in, and then while you're working this end.
You never had a job, did you? (PANTING) Yo, that's my bike! What ? Yo! Yo, what are you doing, dog? That's my bike.
Temple? Aah, fuck! Oh shit.
Oh shit.
Don? Yo, Don.
Don? Don? What the fuck, dude? (LINE RINGING) (DOGS BARKING IN DISTANCE) (RINGING CONTINUES) Don? DON (ON VOICEMAIL): This is Don.
I usually answer mornings between eight and 12 or Wednesdays after three, depending.
I sometimes lose track of the days to tell you the truth (CLICKS OFF PHONE) (LOUD CLATTERING) Hello? Hello? Yo! Yo! Don! Fuck, man! Yo, Don.
Don, I'm done.
(EERIE GROANING) The fuck? (SQUAWKING) What are you doing here? (RUSTLING) (DISTANT BELLS TOLL) (LOUD SCREECHING) Mm-mm-mm, mm-mm-mm, mm-mm-mm.
- (GRUNTS, EXHALES) - (CLATTERING) Whoa.
(GRUNTING) (GRUNTING) - (CLATTERING, SHATTERING) - (MARTY SCREAMS) Fuck! (STEEL DRUMS PLAYING BRIGHT MELODY) (MARTY CLAPPING) MARTY: That's beautiful, y'all.
That's really beautiful, for real.
Oh, shit.
(LAUGHS) My blood.
Shit.
I'm sorry.
Okay, from the top (STEEL DRUMS PLAY) - Hey.
- Hmm? Yeah.
Huh? - Marty.
- Huh? You okay, man? Is my bike here? No, you said it was stolen.
Oh, shit.
Listen, man.
I don't wanna take business away from myself, but, um I don't know if you should be smoking pot.
Take care.
- Yeah, you too, man.
- (DOOR OPENS) (DOOR CLOSES) (SQUAWKING) (SQUAWKING CONTINUES) (WALKING FOOTSTEPS) (DOORBELL RINGS) - Hey.
- Hello, I'm Vuyo.
Oh yeah, what you're here for the - Which one? - The lamp.
Lamp, yeah, one sec.
Thank you.
Um The listing also said it comes with a shade, Oh, fuck.
Yeah, let me grab that, one sec.
(SIGHS) Really? (SIGHS) (CHATTER, LAUGHTER) Hi.
(FRENCH POP SONG PLAYING) (COOS) (DOORBELL RINGS) - For you.
- Thank you.
All right.
It was nice to see you.
- MAN: Thank you.
- Uh-uh! Baby, your blouse.
(LAUGHING) - Wa - (LAUGHING) Yes.
(MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKER) Holy shit.
Wait, it's you.
Shit.
Fuck.
Ahh! Come back.
Come back.
(WHISTLE SQUEAKS) (WHISTLE TRILLS) (SQUEAKS): Come back.
THE GUY: I got this toffee crunch if you're into edibles.
I got, uh, C CBD.
And also I got pens and flowers if you're interested.
And the gold ones are sativa.
Okay, so you want that one.
Great.
- Okay, one second.
- Okay.
(CLEARS THROAT) - Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
It was nice to see you.
- Always a pleazh.
- Yeah, it's great.
- DARBY: I'm curious how often you think - - - Craigslist missed connections are about you.
- Never.
- Ever? Except for now? - Wow.
I'm so honored.
- This is my first one.
Oh, my God.
What a special moment.
- It's kind of like kismet.
- Totally cuckoo.
Sorry.
You're hot.
(STAMMERS) Uh People tell you that a lot? - Uh - Do you slay puss? - (BOTH LAUGHING) - Yeah? - No no.
- A little bit? Would you tell me if I showed up here smelling? Smelling bad? Would you say something? - If you smelled bad? - Yeah.
I haven't gotten any complaints so far.
I'm just joking around.
I'm just being playful.
- What? - You're, uh You're really forward.
Thanks.
So, what do you do? Oh, uh Ask me a more interesting question, please.
Okay.
I'm thinking.
(LAUGHS) (SIGHS) Do you make a lot of money? I do okay.
Does that make your friends uncomfortable? We don't really talk about that.
Do you spend a lot of time alone? Yes.
Do you? Yeah.
Can I ask you a personal question? Come here.
Do you always wear a wig on dates? (LAUGHING): Ow my God.
Okay, cool.
You're fucked up.
(ALARM BLARING) - Thank you.
- Yeah.
It's so fucking hot out.
- Yeah.
- Wanna get out of here? Should we pay for our drinks? Nah.
- (TIRES SCREECH) - (GASPS) Oh my God! (MUFFLED): Come on.
God NEIL: (CHUCKLES) Close call.
- Come on.
- Oh God.
DARBY: Wait.
Are you ? - All right.
- (LAUGHING) CAB DRIVER: Come on, bro.
What the (XYLOPHONE PLAYING) - Ah! - Ooh! - Play any instruments? - Yeah, um, guitar, bass, cello, drums - So you're like a guy in a band? - piano.
I am in a band.
Oh, my God.
I knew you were in a band.
I could smell it.
You should come to one of my gigs.
Absolutely not.
Listen, what is the craziest thing you've ever done? Ooh, oh my God! Um I was rafting on this trip in Africa - Blah! - What? Being well-traveled is not a personality.
Famously not.
That's a rich person thing.
- I'm a twin.
- Uh-huh.
- I saved my brother's life in the womb.
- Oh, yeah? How? - His amniotic sac started leaking.
- Oh, his little sac? - Yes, his little baby sac started leaking - Yeah.
Right.
and the doctor was telling my mom they might have to sacrifice him for me.
That if he survived, he would have almost no chance at a normal life.
(CHUCKLES) They were telling her all this terrible stuff, and while that was happening, I got in front of the sac stopped the leak long enough for them to deliver us super early.
- Hmm.
- Three months early.
We were crazy premature.
Tiny, like little Beanie Babies.
- Cute.
- (BOTH LAUGHING) And, uh He survived.
Just a slight walking disability, but that was it.
He was fine.
Kind of weird, but he was fine.
(CHUCKLES) And then, when we were 18, we snuck into a bar and we g-g-g, uh got drunk.
And I wrecked the car.
(STUTTERING): And he d d (CHUCKLING) Your turn.
MAN: Excuse me.
Can either of you spare some change? I'm trying to get something to eat.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Yep, get whatever you want, man.
Can I get an Italian on a hoagie? - You want something? - No mayo.
I don't know.
- MAN: Can I get some dessert? - Yeah, sure.
All right, cool.
Cool, cool.
MAN: Yes, yes, yes.
CLERK: Italian hoagie, no mayonesa.
$9.
75.
(REGISTER BEEPING) (REGISTER BEEPS) MAN: Yes, yes, yes.
MAN: What the fuck? MAN: Oh ARTHUR: You've been in New York for like a long time, right? Oh, yes, decades.
You don't look like a nudist to me.
You should think about making this a mobile dispensary.
- I don't know.
- Hey! You wanna buy some weed? - All right.
- Someone'll be right down.
Are you dining with us today? I hope you brought your credit card.
- We're cashless.
- That hallway reeks! Who's this? - Uh, it's This is, uh - I'm just gonna go.
Your drug dealer? Arthur, are you kidding me? I'll keep it in my room.