House Husbands (2012) s03e02 Episode Script

1 I think we accidentally bought a pub.
That's our rebranding.
The unicorn.
The family friendly pub.
Run! Run! - Who are you? - I'm his son.
I'm not a big people person.
So you understand that why I don't wanna reconnect? Yeah, sure.
You've lied to me for then years.
What are you gonna tell your daughters? Have you even told Lucy that she has a full blood brother? I will.
- Here you go.
- What's this for? That's for the couch.
Well, I remember when I was young The world had just begun And I was happy I used to wonder about the Earth And how it moved around the sun (GROANS) "Imagination going wild "Makes a very backward child," they told me So back at school I'd sit around Ned! Ned! I remember when I was young I had a secret love who never knew it Before Dad was married to me, he was married to Phoebe's mum, and before that, he was married to Lucy's mum.
And before they had Lucy, they had Ned.
Why did Daddy keep getting married all the time? Well, when grown-ups are in love, they get married.
And Dad was in love a lot.
Ned.
I'm Gemma.
I'm Lewis's wife.
We were never properly introduced.
This is Tilda, your sister.
- Hey, Ned.
- Hey.
Um, we were hoping that you might like to come to dinner tonight.
Why? Meet the family, break the ice.
Very casual.
There's somebody under your bed.
Sorry.
I thought you were someone else.
About 6:00? Look what I painted for you! - Who is it? - It's you! I thought you could hang it up in the classroom.
Hey, Ryan.
Tilly's a little nervous about - making a student council speech.
- Why don't you sing it? - You're a good singer.
- Hey, that's a great idea.
Why don't you get Dad to accompany you on the guitar? - Will you, Dad? - Well, yeah, I suppose.
But How long are you gonna be on the couch for? Tilly, why don't you go and grab Dad's guitar, - and you can practice before school? - Is Ned coming to hear my speech? Let's ask him tonight.
- Ned? - I asked him to dinner.
- What? - I also thought I'd ask Lucy, too.
She does know that she's got a brother, doesn't she? - Yeah.
- And what did she say? Oh, she was cool.
Actually, she was a bit cross.
Maybe we could've talked about this dinner party idea.
Oh, yeah.
Maybe we could've discussed the fact that you've got a son, and you spent three months in jail, too.
Sometimes it's the little things that we forget, isn't it? Good afternoon 2L.
If you vote for me on the student council, you can sit anywhere you want, and I'll be your best friend.
Ah, you can't promise that, Stell.
Careful, they're hot.
- Are they for us? - No.
They're dessert samples.
I'm putting them on the menu when I'm running the restaurant at the new pub.
Exciting, hey? Hello? Yeah, well it's obviously not good news.
You better just come out and say it.
Are you gonna take one? - No.
Are you? - No.
You're not being fair.
Well, I'm just gonna have to make up my own mind about that.
Mm-hmm.
Bye.
Love you! Have a great day! OK boys, bank cheques in here, please.
As agreed.
Final inspection at midday.
Here we go.
Cheers.
Kane? - I haven't got mine yet.
- We're settling tomorrow morning.
I know.
And if we don't settle, we blow our deposit.
- My deposit.
- Look, I spoke to the bank this morning.
- It's coming, OK? - Attention Nepean South.
Just a reminder that all the boys and girls who are elected by their classmates to the student council tomorrow, you'll meet with me and the staff every Friday at lunchtime.
When was this school election announced? - Last week's newsletter.
- I didn't get it.
- Did I? - How am I supposed to know? Check your email.
Is everyone paying attention up the back? I want the children to speak in their own words and from the heart.
So, parents, do not do the children's homework for them.
That is all.
As if we'd do their homework for 'em.
Oh, sh Hey, Kane, call me as soon as you hear from the bank.
I will.
The defendant says that the signature on his statement to police was made under duress.
Do you have copies of your interview with him? Uh, not hardcopies.
I'm briefing a silk in two hours.
Yes, I will get some printed.
Thank you.
She's in a bad mood.
It's her 40th.
Hi.
Happy birthday.
- Do I know you? - Yeah, yeah, we've met.
Hey, gotta say, you you look about 25.
- Thanks.
- So, you having a party? - No.
- You should.
We'll throw you a party.
- Yeah.
You can have it at my pub.
- What pub? The Mill.
Great tunes, beer garden.
It's the best food in Melbourne.
You know, we could actually make you some party snacks.
We'll even chuck in a birthday cake, on the house.
- You do chocolate? - Whatever you want.
I don't know how you do it, but you were absolute gold.
I know.
Although, strictly speaking, you don't actually own the pub yet.
Details.
Cat, has that store-room got plumbing? Sorry? Well, if we're gonna convert the storeroom into the parents' room, we're gonna have to install a basin.
I dunno.
- Ned! - Hey, Cat? - Have we got any milk, darlin'? - You bet, Neddy.
You're the best! What's he doin' here? Well, he's just staying for a couple days till his trouble blows over.
Well, have we worked out what kind of trouble that is, exactly? No, but it's no big deal.
I would have thought a bunch of blokes chasing us with cricket bats - was in the big deal department.
- Yeah, big-ish.
If we're gonna turn this into a family friendly pub, that's probably a bit of your family that has to go.
What are you saying? I'm gonna hassle him about his personal issues and then evict him? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Hey.
Are you gonna join us for this final inspection? I'm out.
- I can't buy into the pub.
- What? The bank won't approve my loan.
I'm sorry.
We're settling tomorrow.
I'm really sorry, mate.
I gotta go.
Hey, Kane! - You good to go? - Yeah, uh all good.
How's the room? Good.
The place has got potential.
It's a good investment.
How long do you think you might stay on here? Why? Just you know, if you need a hand getting back to your place or or dealing with the stuff you got going on.
Stuff? I know you're in some kind of strife.
I'm guessing cash might help.
- Of course it would.
- Well, how much? You're giving him $10,000? Yeah.
There's some guys chasing him.
Angry guys.
If this money can get him out of trouble You're paying off your guilt with our money.
- I don't have any guilt.
- Please.
You've had a box full of guilt in the garage for the last 25 years.
And what's to say he's not just gonna disappear the second he gets the money.
- Can I, uh paint you, Mr Crabb? - Yeah.
Let me get a bucket of tar.
No, I mean - can I paint your picture? - Hey.
Good of you to come, both of you.
Just so you know, I'm gonna be off you for a little while yet, Dad.
Hey, can we talk? - Kane's bailing out of the pub.
- What do you mean? - He was raring to go yesterday.
- Not anymore.
- I'll get it.
- Can you pick up his 25%? Well, that would give me 50%.
- Yeah.
- That'd make me boss.
- Is that what you want? - Everyone .
.
this is Ned.
- Hey.
- Hi, brother.
So, uh just for future reference, hands up the girls here who I'm not related to.
If I am elected student council representative, I will walk in your shoes.
I am, however, a sock, and walking in shoes is my thing.
In conclusion, I make this solemn promise: under me, no more smelly feet! Thank you, thank you.
Will you be at school for the speech? Uh, sure.
But, remember, when a sock makes the promises, we can't be blamed when things go belly up.
You're funny.
Runs in the family.
- Oh, you're funny too, are ya? - Hilarious.
Hey, smile.
Crabb selfie.
Hey, is that cheque to cover Kane's share? No, it's nothing to do with the pub.
Oh, that's really good of you.
Thanks.
(PHONE RINGS) Pick a song.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I will.
Hang on two seconds.
I've just gotta get this.
Yep.
Dinner's up.
Can you come and carve please, Lewis? - We'll set the table.
- Yep.
He's lovely, isn't he? He's lovely.
Hey, I'm really sorry, but I've gotta go.
- We're only just about to serve.
- Yeah, it's kind of an emergency.
Everything alright? I don't know.
I've gotta sort some stuff out.
Can I help? Can I borrow your Ute? Thanks.
Gem, I just gotta go out for a little while.
Start without me.
- You are kidding me.
- I'm sorry, darl.
Can't be helped.
Justin, get Mark and Kane over.
I'll be about an hour, then we'll sort the pub out.
Where are you going? Maybe you should give me the knife.
MARK: I'm talking utility creation.
That means positioning the product in the marketplace by highlighting the qualities that best meet consumer need.
In this case, the product is you.
So what do you think your classmates want? Ice-cream.
You're selling yourself, mm? You know what that means? OK.
Look, let's make a list, OK.
We'll pick out the best ideas and start work on the speech.
So, ice-cream.
Anything else? Cakes.
Stella gave people cakes so they'll vote for her.
Seriously? Stella is bribing people with cakes? Why don't you and Dad finish that after dinner? Go wash your hands, sweetheart.
Stella is rigging the election using cakes.
So you're busy, then? Busy enough.
But still finding time to manage a Year 2 election campaign.
As a matter of fact, my website went live today.
How many hits? It's only been up for a few hours.
- Just tell me this is legal.
- This is legal.
It is.
I got a tipoff that some guys are coming to steal my stuff, so I gotta shift it, OK? - The same guys from last week? - Yeah.
Why do they want your stuff? I did a deal they didn't like.
So, give them the money I gave ya.
Square up.
Yeah, it's more complicated than that.
Is this about drugs? No! It Onesies.
From China.
Where are we taking this stuff? I got a mate who'll move 'em at cost.
He lives in Preston, but he'll meet us in the city.
- I said I'll be home in an hour.
- Yeah, yeah, it'll be sweet.
Hey! What's your problem, mate? Who are you? I'm not your mate.
- Look, if this is about money - It's about an eye for an eye.
Good chook.
- It's Lewis's portion.
- Oh, sorry.
Oh, don't be.
He can have scraps.
I'm sure he wouldn't be doing this if he didn't think it was important.
Here's a friendly tip: all of your sympathies belong with me at the moment.
Have you spoken to Kane? Abi did.
Said he was coming.
You know what? Stuff Lewis.
We need to talk about the pub.
I'm going over to his place and dragging his - Hey! - Hey.
What'd he say? An eye for an eye? I sold him a bunch of bookshelves which he couldn't move, and I refused to take 'em back.
It got ugly from there.
Well wouldn't money fix that problem? Yeah, but his pride's been wounded.
That kind of shit makes people unreasonable.
What are you gonna do with the 10 grand, then? I got into debt to set up the business.
I'll pay off a slab of that.
You ever set up a business? - Yeah.
- Well then you know how hard it is.
Mine's just starting to tick over.
You'll be right.
You're a smart kid.
How do you know? Genetics.
- Where's this mate of yours? - You can go if you want.
Well, what are you gonna do with the stuff? Just unload it, I'll manage.
Hey, mate! Wanna buy a onesie? Yeah, that'll do ya! That's gonna match your eyes.
Step right up, ladies and gentlemen, don't be shy.
What, is that it? Is that all you got? Are we taking this? Yeah.
Thank you.
Whatever he's got! Look, I spoke to the bank this morning.
They just won't budge.
Well, did you ask for a smaller amount? - Maybe one of us can - No.
I'm either equal partner or nothing.
Look, we can go guarantor on your loan.
- Yeah! - Look I just don't think I've got the motivation.
Motivation? Yesterday you were totally pumped.
Yeah, well We're supposed to be settling tomorrow.
It's poor form, mate.
And you know what else? What? Stella has been bribing the kids with cakes.
For votes.
In the SRC election.
- Yeah.
Was that your idea? - No! Yeah, well, what does Tom think about it? - What's Tom got to do with this? - Well, he's her dad.
I'm her dad! Tom's not coming home.
One of the guys he's been working with in Indonesia has offered him a job in Dubai training firefighters.
It's a two-year contract.
He's already been away six months.
And he's loved it.
Felt free for the first time in his life, apparently.
But he's not free.
He has a family.
I know he loves the kids, but he never wanted this life.
It's over, Abi.
I'm a single parent with a single income.
Buying into a pub is not something I need.
- Oh.
Thanks.
- Thanks.
Any word from Lewis? I hope he's alright.
I'm sure he's fine.
He might not be quite so fine when he gets home.
Do you think he's met someone else? He says he hasn't.
What about Stella? - And Finn? - They stay with me.
Tom's promised to come and visit whenever he can.
I just I don't know how to tell them.
What do I say? - There we go.
- There we go.
- There we go.
- You got it.
- I got it.
- All in the lift.
Now, if we drink all this, there's a slight chance that you won't be able to drive home.
Hey, hey, I got something for you.
That's you, when you were brand-new.
Thanks.
What was she like? - My birth mum? - Belle? Oh, she's smart, successful.
Terrifying.
She lives in London.
I'll give you her number, if you'd like.
Nah.
One mystery parent at a time.
- Dad home yet? - Not yet.
- Are you alright? - Yeah.
As good as gold.
- Night.
- Night.
(PHONE RINGS) Hey, Ned? Ned! Ned! Hey! Got him! Get over here! (KNOCKING AT DOOR) Look, my husband went out with Ned and he hasn't come home and I want to know what's going on.
I don't know where they are, honestly.
Who did you think I was when I showed up this morning? My husband.
He's been after Ned ever since he found out we were, you know on.
So your husband's after Ned cos you guys are having an affair? Mhm.
- So who does Ned owe money to? - He doesn't owe money to anyone.
All quiet on the Western Front? You checking on Kane? No.
Your website, actually.
Oh.
That's one hit.
You know, if you put as much energy into marketing yourself as you do into Poppy, you'd have clients coming out of your ears.
When I was working at Data Draft, we just had clients.
I didn't need to chase.
And now you do.
What I need is cakes.
- No, no.
- Data Draft are bribing clients.
Giving them kickbacks, so they don't go with me.
I can't compete with that.
Of course you can.
You are great.
"Mark Oliver is an experienced marketing manager.
"He has a degree in Communications.
" - Well, that's a good start.
- No, no, that's Helvetica.
Helvetica is the most confident of all the fonts.
I can't sleep.
Oh, what's the matter, darling? Will you be cross if I don't win the election? Course not! We just want you to do your best.
Someone said that people who don't get elected get thrown out of the party.
Oh, I think that's about grown-up elections, sweetie.
- And not entirely - I love parties! Oh, I promise, darling, you will not get thrown out of a party.
Kane? Hey, mate.
You OK? Tom's not coming back, is he? Yes, he is.
I'm just not sure when.
But you're not, like together anymore, are you? No.
- Will I stay here? - Oh, you bet.
It'll just be the three of us, but we'll be right.
I know.
I haven't told Stella.
No, I'll do that.
She'll be sad.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think you might be right, mate.
Will Daddy be at my speech with his guitar? Well, that is the plan.
What if he doesn't? Well, I'll be there.
- You don't play the guitar.
- No, I don't.
I can't do it without Daddy.
Oh, don't worry, baby.
I'm sure he'll be there.
If you promise people things you can't actually give them, or buy their support with cakes, you're only gonna disappoint them in the long run.
- Ms Looby says - I know what Ms Looby says, but what I'm telling you is democracy doesn't work by buying people's votes.
It works by people voting for someone Someone who'll give them what they want.
Isn't that the same thing? Just don't promise people things that you can't give them.
Stel? I need to tell you something.
I love you, Chook.
"Mark Oliver is one of Australia's most experienced and sought-after marketing executives.
He's a leader, innovator and creative powerhouse who's driven campaigns for some of the world's most recognisable brand names.
" - Really? - Oh, come on.
What about Mrs Pewilika's old-timey enviro jars? True.
You changed the font.
What is that font? It's it's it's beautiful.
Gabi sent me a selfie.
"This is what I'm wearing to the party.
" Oh, doesn't she have any real friends? No, only me.
- Oh.
- I should just tell her it's off.
- No, no, don't do that.
- What if the sale doesn't happen? I'll just rent the place, OK? It'll be cool.
- Hey.
- Dad.
Jacob lost the speech that you wrote for him, and now he's stolen all my policies.
- Jacob.
- I will write the speech again.
No, no, I'll do that.
You've got to go.
Hey, Jacob? Can you give your brother's election policies back? No! And use your own spelling! Alright.
You good? What do you think of my new brother? I think he might be a conman.
Me too.
- Hey, Kat.
- Hey.
Beautiful day.
Yeah.
You ready to settle up today? Hey, you think we can push back the settlement just a bit? - No.
- Just a day or two? No.
It's 3:00, or the deal's off.
Do you guys hire this place out? You know, for parties.
- She says she doesn't do functions.
- So it's off.
No, no, no, I'll just find another venue.
Justin, I'm just gonna say it's off.
It's easier.
No.
Lucy, hey! LC! What do you think? Great! I love it.
You didn't text back.
Statute of limitations is an hour on texting, you know that.
- Hey, I just spoke to Justin - This party is growing like bloody China.
I love it.
And I love you for suggesting it.
I do feel 25.
Is that the Douglas matter? Ah, yes.
- Something else? - Nothing.
- All good.
- Good! Parents, thank you so much for your support.
We've got a few nerves here today, but these little people are very excited to have you here.
Any word from Lewis? Mm.
We should report him as missing.
I've done that.
(GROANS) Ned? Ned! Each candidate will speak for one minute, and then the class will vote, and the boy and girl with the most votes will win the election.
So, to start us off, I'd like to call on Zac Baynie, please.
- Zac, make your way up.
- Yeah! You're the man, Zac! Let's go! Thank you, Ms Looby.
If you vote for me, I won't hit Jacob with a ruler ever again.
Or anyone else.
We need to get strawberry milk in the tuck shop, because if people don't drink strawberry milk, they'll stop making it.
I am not ready to govern, but if anyone has a party, I want to come.
I can't promise you anymore cakes, but if you vote for me, you can have a sleepover at my place.
And finally, if we could hear from Tilda, thank you.
Twinkle, twinkle SRC I think you should vote for me I will really love my school If we get a swimming pool Tilda Crabb for SRC That is what I want to be.
You said that you would be here for Tilda! But she did it all by herself.
That's good, isn't it? I reported you as a missing person.
Yeah, I wanted to call.
I tried.
You are a child.
Look at yourself.
- You stink of alcohol.
- Gemma.
I thought it was the only chance I'll have to get to know him.
- He's my son.
- He's a thief.
- Well - He left you on a beach, he stole your clothes.
Well, I don't know if I'd use the word 'stole'.
And your car.
Could you keep it down, please? We're trying to hold a secret ballot in here.
Sorry.
Is that a giraffe? - Yeah.
- I've got an alligator.
- Ned doesn't owe any money.
- Oh, yes, he does.
He owes the money he borrowed to start up his business.
Why don't you ask the woman whose husband is trying to kill him? Ned's having an affair, that's his problem.
Meanwhile, Kane's been left by Tom, and all can he do is worry about you! Congratulations! Stella won the election! - Thanks.
- Let's celebrate! OK, I know what you're up to.
- Don't fight it.
- Yeah, cook us a meal.
Yeah, lunch from the pub menu.
- I can't! - Yes, you can.
Come on! Chop, chop! Your mates are here.
Oh, that was sensational.
- Delicious.
Brilliant.
- Yeah.
Who said you can only cook pies? Oh, me.
But I was wrong.
You guys are just buttering me up so I'll join in on the pub.
Mate, that was the best beef curry I've ever had.
Lamb.
Still great.
Look, Kane, here's the thing.
Even if the three of us bought the pub without you, we still need a kick-arse menu, cos that's a huge part of the business plan.
Food sells beer.
It does.
So, if you don't do it, we'll have to pay somebody else.
Or lease it.
Yeah.
To some Neville who's gonna serve up any old crap.
Bottom line, you're required.
I'll guarantee your share.
But we're either all in it together, or the deal's off.
And I'll just walk away from the deposit.
No pressure.
Thank you very much! We bought a pub! - We bought a pub? - We bought a pub.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Come on, let's go.
- Justin.
- Yeah? Can you give me a lift down to the police station.
I'm gonna make a statement.
- Ned pinched my ute.
- Just ask him where he put it.
- I just saw him go upstairs.
- When? About five minutes ago.
Hey! Where'd you get to? - Where's my car? - It's out the front.
You're a piece of work, aren't you? You don't owe any money.
- Never said I did.
- Oh, but you let me think you did.
Yeah, you offered me 10 grand, I took it.
Who wouldn't? Somebody more honest than you.
And those blokes that are after you? That's your girlfriend's husband and his mates.
Yeah, so what? So all that bullshit about the book cases.
No, hey! That's true.
I mean, it's also true that she jumped my bones.
Which you left out, conveniently.
I didn't ask you to come into my life.
Just because you're carrying around a shit load of guilt.
You left me on the beach without my wallet, my phone and my car! I left to get donuts and coffee for breakfast! When I came back, you were gone.
Oh, here.
Take your money.
I don't want it.
Daddy! - Hey, sweetie.
- I had a good day.
You are going to be great on the student council.
- Can I wear my badge to bed? - Hmm Well, it might stick into you in the middle of the night, so we'll just leave it over here.
I'm so proud of you.
Hey.
I made a new page for the story of us.
You wanna see? It's Dad.
- Is he still in Indonesia? - Yeah.
But soon he's going to another place where he's going to help lots of people.
You see, he's not a pretend superhero.
He's a real one.
When is he coming home? Not for quite a long time.
It's OK, Daddy.
OK.
Listen up, everyone.
Hi.
It's many years since someone threw me a birthday party, and I am so grateful.
There's a zero in 40, and I'm finding that zero quite rejuvenating.
So, there is one person in particular that I'd really like to thank for all their support.
Leo.
Thanks for being there in the lonely times.
Whoo! - Who's Leo? - Her new best friend.
Suits me.
- Looking good, Kane.
- Yeah.
There's more trays in the kitchen if you feel like helping.
- I see you turned Kane around.
- Yep.
How? I'm very persuasive.
I can turn anyone around eventually.
- Is that so? - Yep.
Well, come on.
Let's go home.
Just to clarify: I am allowed back in the bedroom? - What is that? - It's my painting of Mr Crabb.
What do you reckon? - Wow.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR) Now, I want your honest opinion, OK? I have no idea what to say to that.
Well, it's proportional.
It's another Mrs Crabb.
- Belle.
- Lucy called.
She said you found our son.
Wow.