How Not to Live Your Life (2008) s03e02 Episode Script

This programme contains some strong language.
It's been a while since I've been on a date.
It's all about first impressions.
Oh, hey! Sorry I'm late.
Stop it, stop it.
Sorry I'm late, but the Nobel Peace Prize ceremony ran over.
Hey! Sorry I'm late.
Sleep.
Hey! Sorry I'm late.
I'm on a government mission.
Oh, hey! Sorry I'm late.
My name's Don.
But some people call me Transporter-tron.
Are you still waiting for your date, madam? Yes.
Well, wait no longer Sorry I'm late.
So, shall we order some wine? I guess I'll just have to rely on my charm and wit.
Sorry I'm late.
By an hour.
Really? Oh, my God! What are you doing? Jesus, sorry, sorry! Ow! Impressive, eh? Ready to order, Madam? Er, yeah, I'll have the salad to start and then the risotto.
Excellent choice.
Excellent choice? Why do waiters say that? As if they'd ever say That has got to be the most pathetic order I've ever heard! I mean really, you should be ashamed of yourself! And for you, sir? Er not sure, er I'm rubbish at making decisions under pressure.
Come on, Don.
Salad to start and then the risotto? To drink? No, I'll eat it.
Very good, sir.
I meant, what would you like to drink? Oh, er, we'll have whatever that wine was.
Marvellous.
Marvellous? Why was it marvellous? Oh, well that was annoying.
Really? Why? Well, he just stood there, pressuring me into ordering quickly.
Couldn't just go off and come back.
I mean, I don't even like risotto.
Excuse me! Oh, no, I don't want to cause a fuss.
It's no fuss.
Madam? Yeah, we'd like to change his order.
I'm afraid I've already put the order through.
Yeah, but like two seconds ago.
Yes, but I don't fucking believe this! First you pressure him into ordering something he doesn't even want He didn't.
And then you can't do a simple thing like change the fucking order! OK, madam.
OK.
I'll see to it the order gets changed.
What would you like instead, sir? Er Don? Tiramisu? For your main course? Yes? Yes! OK.
Whatever you want sir, yeah? There you go, you see? No fuss.
I hate tiramisu.
Especially for mains.
Excuse me! No, no, no! Cock a doodle-do, Don.
Where's my breakfast? Well, it's midday, I assumed you didn't want any Never mind.
I'll make my own breakfast.
You're getting slack, Eddie Singh.
Slack.
Ice cream for breakfast? No.
Brunch, actually.
Brunch.
Breakfast and lunch, brunch.
I wonder why they never invented one for late lunch-early dinner? Dunch! Would you like to go for dunch with me tonight? Yeah, all right.
What time? I'm not talking to you, Gollum.
Jesus! I was just test driving my new word, dunch.
How was your date last night Don? Yeah, it was interesting, yeah.
I like her, she's cute.
But I think she might have issues.
Of course she does, she's dating you.
Yeah? Come on! Oi! Take that back.
Take back that high five! Go on! That's it there, yeah, yeah.
Thank you.
Jeesh! Sorry, Don.
MOBILE BEEPS It's Jenny.
She wants to know if I want to go out again.
You should've seen her last night, she got really angry with the waiter.
She was probably having a bad day.
Stuff that she hadn't told you about.
No it wasn't just the meal.
there were other incidents.
Well, be a gentleman and open the door, Don! Jesus Christ! Getting a good look, are you? Can't you see I'm with someone? Prick! Stupid phone! Come on! Predictive text is so annoying! Oh, for fuck's sake! What? Oh, nothing, it's just something I remembered.
Maybe she's premenstrual? What? You think she's a minstrel? Ouch, ouch.
What's wrong, Eddie? Oh, Don's bought these new leather shoes.
I'm just wearing them in for him.
Seriously Eddie, whatever he is paying you, it's not enough.
What? Well, Don doesn't pay me! No, no, I work for Dorothy.
I just do things for Don from time to time, because we're friends.
And, well, I enjoy it.
Right, Don? That's right, Eddie.
Now finish the ironing cos I want you to run me a bath.
Abso-lulu! Are you telling me that he comes over here every day and does a load of stuff for you, absolutely free of charge? Yeah! Wait a minute, I thought you knew.
Eddie, you know you don't have to do that, right? Hey! What do you think you're playing at, sister? You can't treat him like that? Treat him like what? He loves it.
He's like a dog.
Well, a dog that does house work.
Imagine that, like a dog doing the dishes.
Eddie Friends do not treat each other like slaves.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
He doesn't appreciate any of this.
Yes, he does.
Don't you, Don? Eddie.
Bath.
Now.
Don? What? Well, you appreciate what I do for you, don't you? I don't appreciate you standing here instead of running me a warm, lovely, soapy, bubbly bath.
What are you doing? Eddie! You can wear them in yourself.
But we're friends, remember? No, Don.
Friends appreciate it when you cook for them.
And bake, and clean, and iron and wash up and do carpentry But Eddie And cut your hair, massage your prostate, and clip your toenails, and check your testicles for lumps Oh, you wait, soon you'll realise just how much you rely on him.
Me? No.
I'll be fine.
You on the other hand, are nothing without that man.
Er, I can cope without him, you know! Does anyone know how to run a bath? I decided to go on another date with Jenny.
It was nice.
She was far more relaxed and fun.
Well, until this.
Do you wanna go to my local? Sure.
Excuse me? Do you know if there's a taxi rank around here? Yeah, it's over there.
Cheers.
Thanks.
Ow! What was that about? What? Flirting with those sluts.
I wasn't! I will not stand for that, Don.
All right! My nipple, please! Ow! I was starting to get scared.
I mean, the slightest thing made her angry.
I took her to my local.
Brian and Sam were there.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I was actually really pleased to see them.
Guys, guys! So nice to see you.
Really? Yeah, you don't mind if we join you, do you? A little bit.
Great, great, great.
Jenny.
This is Brian and Sam.
They're not father and daughter, by the way.
They're having sex.
Not now I hope.
Hi Jenny, nice to meet you.
You too.
Er, Don? What? What are you doing? Nothing.
You're so funny.
Um, do you want a beer? Yes.
So what d'you think of Jenny? Yeah, she seems nice.
I know, totally nuts, isn't she? Er, she seemed normal to me.
What? Come on Bri, you teach psychology! Surely you can see she's half price? Look, look! What now? Just look! What are we supposed to be looking at? Brian.
Samantha.
Does the university know about this cosy little get-together? Derek.
Honestly Samantha, what do you see in him exactly? If it's knowledge that attracts you, why not swing by my classroom sometime? I'd love to give you a detention! Er, no, thanks.
Anyway Brian, will we be seeing you at the next interrogation ecrite de pub? Oh, you can count on it, Derek.
Excellent.
I look forward to crushing you.
As always.
I think you'll find we're evens.
It's seven-six to moi.
Seven-seven.
Seven-six.
Seven-seven.
Seven-six! OK, whatever.
Seven-six.
If you ever get bored of his tiresome psychology lessons, then just swing on past the biology block.
Biology.
Who the hell was that? Derek Frown.
He's a teacher at university.
Why's he got such a problem with us seeing each other? He's an idiot.
He's always had a problem with me.
We fight it out every week.
Wow! What, like bare-knuckle punching in the face, and stuff? No.
In the pub quiz.
Oh.
Slightly disappointing.
It's become something of a ritual.
Actually, can I join you? I'd love to stick one on him! Of course you can.
Hey Don, do you wanna join the team? Erm, we need people who know things.
Hey! I know things.
Yeah.
If there's a round on the films of Kevin Costner, we'll be sure to text you.
I know other things.
Like? The films of Michael Douglas? Hey, it's good to have someone on the team who's great with popular culture.
See? Don't listen to her, Bri.
She thinks I'm thick.
No.
I just don't think you're an intellectual person, that's all.
How could you be so 'eveal' and 'spitefuel'? Come on, then.
When was the last time you read a book, and what was it? Er Wind in the Willows.
Have you read a book in the last 20 years? I just said Wind in the Willows, yeah? I read it last week.
Well, I say "I" read it.
Eddie read it for me, aloud.
"Then you don't promise," said Badger, "never to touch a motor car again.
" "Certainly not," replied Toad emphatically.
"On the contrary, I promise the very first motor car I see, poop, poop! "Off I go in it".
"Told you so, didn't I?" Seriously Eddie - not now, yeah? Sorry.
Owwww! Right, carry on.
"Very well then," said Badger firmly, rising to his feet.
Ah, that silly green toad.
Dressing up as a washerwoman! You should try reading this.
I would love to, Bri.
Only thanks to Sam and her evilness, I don't have Eddie to read me things any more.
Well, you could try reading it yourself? Reading it myself, you say? That might just work! It's the Dalai Lama's autobiography.
It's a good little toilet read.
Wow, thanks(!) There you go.
Not the face! It was so frustrating - no-one else seemed to notice how mad Jenny was.
Make me a coffee? Yeah, good one.
Coffee! Yes, my sweet princess.
Eddie? I need you to make me a coffee.
'I didn't need Eddie.
I'm a grown man.
'I can make a hot drink.
' Right.
What goes in coffee again? Yes.
Coffee.
And? Hot water! What's taking so long?! Hurry up kettle, come on.
I was starting to get cross.
No need.
Look, I even made you some muffins! Aw, thanks Don, that's so sweet.
Well CRUNCH! What was that? Did youleave your watch on the floor? Morning, Boss.
And what's your excuse this time? My girlfriend beat me up.
I don't believe this.
You've come out with some corkers before, but that's priceless! I'm not making this up.
She's mental in the face.
I'm so scared! Hold me! I'm so cold.
Right.
You expect me to believe you're being harassed by a psychotic woman? It can happen! You've seen Fatal Attraction, right? No.
Disclosure? No.
Basic Instinct? Everyone saw that, just to get a glimpse of Stone's ning-ning.
What's your point, Don? Er, that Michael Douglas has made some bloody good films? Oh, come on, you've seen Romancing the Stone? That's a gem! Ha, gem! Get it? Stone.
Gem! Come on, who's with me? CRUNCHING So how'd you get on with that book I lent you, Don? It was annoying, Bri.
It was all a bit "me, me, me", to be honest.
It's an autobiography.
You are swotting up, though, aren't you? We do want to win this quiz.
It's all in there, blondie.
Ah, well, you don't mind if I test you, then? Shoot.
OK.
Er who built The Eiffel Tower? What, it was one bloke? Jesus, he must've been knackered! Well, you did say "built".
OK.
What's The Queen's first name? "The"? Oh, God.
We are screwed.
It's Elizabeth, you moron! Of course it is, yes! Yes, Elizabeth Queen.
DOOR CLOSES Eddie! You're back! I knew you wouldn't leave me.
Eddie? I'm only here to check in on Dorothy.
I shan't be staying long.
Now, I've brought your week's supply of Valium, Dot.
But you're going to have to promise me that you're not going to down them all with gin again.
I can't promise a thing.
Eddie! Eddie, I miss you.
I need you! I want you back in my life.
Not until I know that you appreciate what I do around here.
Of course I appreciate it.
Just look at the place! Look! Mmm, cleaning! You see? And upstairs is even worse! Are you telling me you wouldn't love to get on your knees and scrub that? Mmmm mmm.
Must Resist Temptation.
Let's check out my room.
Holy macaroni! You see? The place is falling apart! Don? Has someone hurt you? No, I must restrain myself.
It was Jenny.
I told you, she's nuts in the mind! But no-one will believe me.
Why don't you just end it? Don't you think I've already thought of that? She would roundhouse me in the prick if I tried breaking up with her.
It's just a shame she doesn't want to end it with you, then.
Bon Jovi, Eddie! You're a genius! 'Eddie was spot on.
I just had to make her to dump me.
Simple, right? 'But I had to do it in a public place.
'Somewhere where she wouldn't be able to go crazy.
' So why are we in a library, Don? Oh, I want Brian and Sam to see I like reading.
Are you gonna read all those books? God, no! Just carry them round.
Make them think I like reading.
'Of course I wasn't there for the books.
'I took her there because it's the perfect place to dump a nutter.
' Jenny.
I've got something to tell you.
Something that might make you not wanna be with me any more.
What do you mean? Remember we're in a library and there are rules.
So when I tell you, respect those library rules, yeah? Don, what are you going on about? 'I made up a brilliant lie.
' I slept with another woman.
WHAT?! Ssshh.
We're in a library, remember? You put your prick in a slut? Well, I'm not sure she was a slut per se, but yes.
Ow! Shhh! Sorry.
I don't believe what I'm hearing! Ow! Jesus! Shhh! Sorry! This must mean you wanna break up with me, yeah? Break up with you? (You're so fucking childish!) Ow! Ssshh! I'm not gonna throw the towel in because of some stupid mistake! Wow, that's very understanding of you.
Yeah, well I'm a very understanding person! Ow! Sssh! Oh, fuck off! But that doesn't mean I'm not angry with you, Don.
In fact, I'm fucking furious! Hands.
What? Hands.
Ahh! Right.
Maybe that'll teach you not to put your penis inside another woman's vagine.
It has.
I promise you it has.
Right, do you still wanna get some lunch? Wagamama's, or? Yeah OK.
God, I hate books.
I hate you all.
'Tonight's the all-important pub quiz.
'Personally, I thought Sam and Brian were taking this silly little game way too seriously.
' Eddie? I'm not late, am I, Brian? Course not.
Hasn't even started yet.
Why didn't you tell me you live with a genius? What do you mean? Oh.
What's this like? Yeah, pretty good.
You can borrow .
.
it if you like.
Wow, great twist at the end.
Thanks.
Are you sure you wouldn't rather be on the winner's table, my sweet? I am on the winner's table.
I wouldn't get so cocky, Derek.
You might live to regret it.
Ooh, would you like to make the quiz a little bit more interesting? Is that possible? I suggest the winner goes home with the princess? You're not coming home with me.
I'm referring to Samantha.
God, I feel sick.
And how do I benefit from that? I go home with her anyway.
Er, Brian? Yeah, me too.
What? Er you know? In a platonic flat-sharing capacity.
No, Derek.
We do not accept.
Now run along to your little hobbits.
And hey! Maybe we'll buy you a commiserative drink when we've whipped your arses.
HE LAUGHS I'll destroy you all.
Oh, God! I want to win this more than ever.
Yeah, me too.
I hate losing.
That's the spirit! OK, ladies and gents.
Let the quiz commence.
Round one.
General knowledge.
First question.
'And so we all got stuck in.
Pulled together and really worked as a team.
' Henry VIII.
Dunno.
It's Copenhagen.
Definitely.
Easy - Friedrich Nietzsche.
Oh, oh, oh.
Brokeback Mountain.
I've seen it seven times.
Dunno.
RZA, GZA, Method Man, Raekwon, Ghostface Killah, Inspectah Deck, U-God, Masta Killa and the late, great Ol' Dirty Bastard.
Little Red Riding Hood.
It's Spanish for "How are you?" I know! I'll get a round of drinks, yeah? Right then, ladies and gents.
The final live round between our two top teams.
The Biology Busters Hooray! Versus Team Analysis.
Right, they're only one point ahead.
We need to win this round! Select a member from your team to answer one of these specialist subjects.
Team Analysis go first.
My subjects are Pop music from the 1950s.
Damn, that's not my field.
What you talking about? You grew up in the '50s, didn't you? Or the films of Kevin Costner.
Yes, yes! Don, this is yours.
Go on! Which would you like to answer? We'll have the films of Kevin Costner, please.
And we nominate Don.
Right matey, it's all yours.
Don't let us down.
Hey? Or else! 'But then it struck me.
'This was my chance to prove to everyone what a mentalist Jenny is.
' Question one.
In which film does Costner star as baseball legend Crash Davies? 'I'm so sorry, Kevin Costner.
'Don't think I don't love you.
' Dances With Wolves.
Dances With Wolves? Isn't that the one where he joins an Indian tribe? Yeah.
And then teaches them to play baseball.
The answer is Bull Durham.
Ow! Did you see that? Question two.
In 1991 Costner played the part of Jim Garrison, a District Attorney trying to prove JFK's killing was a conspiracy.
What was the name of that film? Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves.
What? The answer is JFK.
Oh, god! Ow! You must have seen that?! Question three.
In the film The Bodyguard, who plays the singing diva Costner is assigned to protect? Easy.
Boy George.
That's it then.
We've lost.
The answer's Whitney Houston.
Ow! Are you all blind? Are you deliberately giving wrong answers, Don? Yes! What? Why? Because I want you all to see what a freakoid that is! Ow! See? Well, you did just call her a freakoid.
Hang on.
Is there something going on between you two? No! Is she the slut you slept with? She's not a slut! You little prick! I've had enough of this! Help me, someone! # When a man loves a woman # Can't keep his mind on nothin' else # Does this mean it's over between us? Oh, Jesus! Oh, shit! Are you all right, Don? As if you care.
I do.
I'll dress these wounds.
I promise.
I thought you were on strike? Not any more.
I'll prove it! Eddie.
Yeah? I can't believe you did that for me! I'm sorry we doubted you.
She really was insane in the mind, wasn't she? Yeah, sorry Don.
That's all right.
Oh, and I'm sorry I ruined your pub quiz, Brian.
That's all right, Don.
We'll beat Derek next time.
Eddie.
I'll never take you for granted again.
I promise.
I know you won't, Don.
Now once you've finished massaging my feet, will you make me a cheesy quiche? Oh, surely! And then run me a bath? And whilst I'm in the bath, I have a pair of underpants that are too small for me, so could you to wear them in? And after the bath, could you tuck me into bed? Abso-lulu! Ooh, would you like me to read you a bedtime story? Get that thing away from me!