It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s03e02 Episode Script

There's no way a mouse could kill a scorpion.
Dude, a mouse could kill It's got sharp claws and teeth.
A rat could kill a scorpion.
No shit, Frank, but we're not talking about a rat.
We're talking about a mouse.
If we were talking about a rat, it still would lose.
A scorpion's this big.
A little mouse fighting a scorpion, and that is final! Shut up! Shut up! Oh, my God! I don't care! All we're doing is arguing about the most stupid shit A rat.
A scorpion.
I don't care, man! When did this start happening? When did we start arguing all the time and fighting? This isn't like us! Look.
We're working our asses off in this bar, and we're getting nothing to show for it and so we're starting to snip and pick at each other.
And it's bullshit, man.
'Cause guess what.
It's a beautiful day outside.
Okay? We need to change things up.
Let's go outside.
Let's get some fresh air.
Let's run around a little bit.
You know? Let's just do something different.
You know what, Charlie? You're right.
This is great.
Yeah.
It's just nice to do something different for a change.
Yeah.
Enjoy a little blue sky, some fresh air.
Yeah.
Some, uh, earth beneath our feet.
Yeah.
See? I told you guys you'd like it.
Yeah.
It's goddamn bright out here.
It's so bright.
I can't use my eyes.
There's people playing football right next to us.
Like there's no room to drink.
Tell you what.
I would like to go back to the bar.
Let's go back to the bar! Are you kidding me? Oh! Oh, look out.
Let me see that.
Can I get that back? Yeah.
Go long.
I'll toss you a wicked spiral.
Want to just give me the ball, dude? We're trying to practice.
What are you practicing for? I'm trying out for the Eagles.
Uh, the Philadelphia Eagles? Yeah.
They're holding tryouts for the public.
Like in that movie, Invincible.
Oh! Was that the one where the guy from the New Kids on the Block makes it onto the Eagles? I saw that.
Yeah.
That's the one.
That's a good one.
Wait.
So they're actually doing that? Yes.
Just give me the football.
Okay.
Well, Dennis, I think you know what we have to do.
Dude, did you read this flyer? Donovan McNabb is gonna be giving us a motivational speech.
I know, dude.
We are actually going to be running on the Linc! Lincoln Field, baby! You guys think you're actually gonna make the team? No.
Hell, no, we're not gonna make the team.
But we will finally get to prove once and for all who's a better football player.
That's right.
Trying out for the Eagles is the best way to settle that score.
You know what? I would like to join your little competition.
No, no, no, no, no.
You You You're a woman.
Women can't do things like this.
You'll get hurt.
No.
Women aren't allowed to try out for football.
That's ridiculous.
They should at least be able to try out.
Well, there are plenty of other sports that women can try out for.
Yeah.
Like, uh, cooking and Complaining to your friends about your boyfriends.
Yeah.
Playing Playing at ballet.
Cleaning.
Displaying cars at auto shows in tiny bikinis.
Yeah.
When you get older, you can play bridge together.
I don't know.
You know what? I am in such better shape than both of you guys.
Do you not think the first thing they're gonna do to weed people out is make you run? Oh, good luck.
I could get so much further than both of you.
You think that's even a possibility? 'Cause that could be very embarrassing for us.
Well, we're never gonna have to find out because she can't try out.
You can't try out! You're not allowed to try out.
That is a rule, right? Check the rules.
Okay.
Let's double-check.
We'll put a layer of beer, then a layer of ice What are you guys doing? Dude, we're gonna tailgate the tryouts.
Oh, shit.
That's a good idea.
Oh, you gonna bust out Green Man, bro? No.
No Green Man.
What's Green Man? Well, in high school, Charlie was like our school mascot.
A mascot nobody wanted.
He'd get wasted and dress in this green spandex bodysuit.
Spandex? It was really sad.
That's it.
You gotta bring the Green Man suit.
Yeah, no.
Done with it.
The spandex.
Green Man was good.
It got me through some hard times.
But I'm done with it.
Tell you what.
You can wear it if you want but I'm just gonna be relaxing, okay? This is gonna be about chilling out for me.
No.
This is gonna be exactly like Woodstock.
Oh, is it? Are you planning on getting yourself locked in the bathroom of your cousin's Winnebago for three days? Shut up about that.
I survived on hand soap and toilet water for three days.
The memory haunts me.
The Linc, dude The Linc Yeah, baby.
I am actually gonna be able to look down and literally see how many yards I'm running.
This is gonna be awesome, dude.
We might actually get further in this little tryout than we thought.
Yeah? See how many yahoos are trying out? Oh, yeah.
I've seen a lot of people wearing capes.
There are, like, 15 guys wearing capes.
Why would you wear a cape? What advantage does that give you? Absolutely none.
You know what? Have a little respect.
We are here with the Philadelphia Eagles and they are opening up their doors to us.
This is a boyhood dream.
I know.
I know.
Why even come out here if you're not gonna take this somewhat seriously? I mean You done pissing yet? No.
No.
I haven't even started pissing because you're standing next to me, you're talking to me.
It's making me nervous, and I can't do my thing.
All right.
Want another beer? Yeah.
Give me another beer, for Christ sakes.
I'm gonna sit here and not drink another beer? Yeah.
Okay.
Cabana is assembled.
The grill is as sparkling as we're gonna get it.
The margarita machine here is open for business.
Time to relax.
Want to drop some acid with me? What? You're dropping acid? Mmm.
Woodstock, baby.
Uh, okay.
Well, no.
Thank you.
Uh, I believe that would have the complete opposite effect of relaxation for me.
Well, I'm gonna trip balls.
No.
You messed up.
It's too high.
It doesn't look right on you.
Too high? No, I'm good at it, dude.
I did a good job on you.
That's 'cause I have good cheekbones.
You have good cheekbones? Yeah.
That's 'cause you put foundation all over, bro.
I put a light base on just to Hey, guys.
What's up? What the hell is this? How's it hangin'? This is a joke, right? You think anyone's gonna buy that? Whatever, bro.
You're gonna get crushed.
Dee, the second any part of your body touches that field, it's gonna shatter like glass.
You got bones like glass.
I don't have bones like glass.
You spent half your life in a back brace.
Your body's, like, 90% scoliosis, Dee.
Move it, fellas.
Let's get on the bus.
Bus? What the hell are you talking about? The bus that takes you to the field.
Wait.
I thought we were gonna be playing on the Linc.
You think you dipshits are gonna play on the same field that champions play on? Where are we going? "Where are we going?" We're going to a shitty high school in Bucks County.
Now get your ass on the bus.
If I say it one more time If I say it one more time If I say it one more time Sprint to the bus.
Sprint to the bus.
That's everyone on the bus, dude.
They're leaving.
Maybe they're having the tryouts in a different place.
Son of a bitch.
All right.
Screw it, man.
We're here.
We'll just relax.
Stay here and look at the Linc? Like a couple of dicks in a yard? Get out of here! We gotta get up and go.
Oh Let's go follow that bus.
Come on.
All right.
You get that.
You get that.
Come on.
Let's go.
No, this is so much work.
Charlie, get up.
This is work.
I didn't want to Let's go.
Get the stuff.
We'll follow the bus.
I like your mustache.
Oh.
Thank you.
Hmm.
I can't grow one.
Okay.
That's a pretty sweet cape.
Thank you.
My mom made it.
Hmm.
She did a very good job.
Yeah.
She's talented.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
Can't believe we're not gonna be tearing it up on the Linc.
This is bullshit.
Half the reason I wanted to do this in the first place was to be out on that field.
Hey, man.
Stop smoking, will ya? Some of us are trying to make the team.
Are you kidding me, bro? No.
Guy, if you think you're actually going to make the Philadelphia Eagles, then you're pathetic.
You're pathetic.
No, you're pathetic, sport.
No, you are You're pathetic! You're pathetic! You're the one who is pathetic! Whatever, man When I'm done with this tryout you'll go back to your sad, pitiful life and I'll be on the Eagles.
And everybody in Philadelphia will know the name McPoyle.
What'd you say your name is? McPoyle.
Doyle McPoyle.
The unibrow.
Yeah.
The eczema.
The acne.
He's definitely a McPoyle.
There are so many of those people.
Now, this is what I'm talking about.
I don't know, dude.
Look at all the people.
Yeah, but we're stuck over here by the portable shitters, man.
It's kinda lame.
Stop bitching and set up.
No.
I'm not setting anything up, all right? I'm sitting in my chair.
I'm relaxing, I'm getting blackout drunk, and you're leaving me alone.
All right.
Be a party pooper.
What are you doing, dude? Taking more acid.
Classic mistake, Frank.
You're making a classic mistake, bro.
Just shut up and sit in your stupid chair.
It's your funeral, buddy.
Just shut up.
Whoa! Hey there, guy.
That's good.
Whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa You kidding me, man? What the hell is that shit? Man, that won't fly.
Come on, dude.
You almost ran me Oh, my God.
The McPoyle brothers.
Hello, Charles.
What the hell are you guys doing here? We came to support our brother Doyle.
He's gonna make the Eagles.
Okay.
Well, that's fantastic.
Great.
Whatever, man.
That's great.
Yeah.
Look But your bus is spilling over into our space.
You almost ran me over, man.
Move it back.
You gotta move it back a few feet.
No.
No can do.
We need the space.
For what? The whole family's here.
Oh, that's great.
Oh, my God.
Are you kidding me? Great.
Of course you're here.
Good.
How many What is that a jar of? What is that a jar of, dude? What is Pig parts.
How many can there possibly be? Oh, good to see her again.
Good.
She doesn't know what I'm saying, right? Okay.
Here he comes.
Yeah.
You're You're here in the world.
That's the sun.
It's gonna hurt your eyes.
Watch your mouth.
They've got thin corneas.
What is that? A fife? You brought your little flute.
Is there more? Are there any more? Get 'em all out.
All right.
Look.
I tell you what.
Leave me alone, okay? I don't care what you do.
Just leave me alone.
'Cause, like, I'm here to relax and have a good time.
I don't want any of your shit.
All right? So leave me alone, okay? We be cool.
We're even now.
Bump it.
I'm not bumping your fist.
Bump it.
Do it, Charlie.
Bump it.
I'm not bumping you, all right? I never bumped him once! I'm not gonna bump him! Let's go, Charlie.
Whatever.
No bumping.
I just don't want These guys are freak shows, man.
Hustle up! Let's go, bitches! Let's move it! Let's move it! I was here first, Coach.
Hustle! Coach! Hi.
Hi, there.
Cole.
Cole Armstrong.
Three time all-American.
Fastest sprinter in five counties.
Coach, would you like us to stand when you address us, or do you prefer we take a knee? I don't give a shit! Okay.
I'll take a knee.
Yeah.
I'll take a knee.
We're doing these tryouts for you because of your harassment and your love for the New Kids on the Block movie.
You paid your $30 fee.
We promised you a keynote speaker.
All right.
Bring him up.
McNabb, dude.
McNabb.
Gentlemen! Uh, is this good here? Yeah, that's cool.
Just put your parking brake on.
Donovan McNabb.
Hey, guys.
I'm Donovan McNabb.
Whoo.
Uh, I play quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles.
And I'm here to tell you that you can, too if you start every day with a hearty breakfast from McDonald's.
Uh, like the new Sausage Egg McGriddle Value Meal available now for a limited time for under five dollars.
Remember, guys.
Real champs eat at McDonald's.
I'm lovin' it.
Can I get the check? That's good.
What the hell was that? Thanks, Donnie.
That was not Donovan McNabb! That was not Donovan McNabb! Yes, it was.
It was like a McDonald's plug.
Was that the guy from The Cosby Show? That's not the guy from Yeah.
He was married to Sondra.
Alvin.
Alvin.
That's awesome.
They had Raven-Symoné.
That's So Raven.
That's not the guy from You know what? Sprints! Goddamn it! Sprints! Sprints! Good job, dude.
I'm starting to feel it.
Mmm! I bet you are, bud.
Feeling weird.
Yeah.
You're probably feeling very weird.
The acid's making me feel like I gotta take a dump.
That's what happens when you take a lot of acid, dude.
I gotta go.
Then go.
The line's too long.
Maybe I can hold it in.
Then go in the McPoyles' camper, dude.
Oh, no.
That might bring back bad memories.
I think I'm gonna hold it.
How you feeling? Annoyed.
There's nothing kicking in yet? What are you talking about? The beer? No.
The acid.
I did not take any acid.
Remember? Oh, yeah, you did.
What are you talking about? I put a shitload of it in your beer.
What? Yeah.
Is that what all those little pieces of paper were floating I drank all that shit, dude! That's okay.
There was, like, a ton of acid in there! Yeah.
Why would you do that? I don't want to be the only one tripping.
Oh, my God, man! Charlie.
Oh, my God! I actually really have to go take a dump.
Oh, my God.
Shut up.
I don't care.
Go to their camper.
I don't care, dude.
Get out of here.
Oh, you sick son of a bitch, dude! Why would you do Oh, shit! Oh, shit! You ready to quit yet, Cole? Yeah.
You had enough yet, Cole? Yeah, Cole! We ran for, like, 10 minutes.
My side is gonna explode.
You guys are in terrible shape.
This is gonna be a lot easier than I thought.
Let's go! Let's go! Move it! I'm in so much pain.
All right.
Now that we got our hearts pumping let's pick out some gear, pick a partner hitting drills! I pick Cole! Oh, no, he didn't! Oh, no, he didn't! That's my dance.
That's my signature dance.
Yeah.
I'm gonna do that when I tackle people.
Yeah.
I like your form on that, and I liked how you went before the whistle.
Goddamn right.
Nice.
All right, guys.
Let's pick new partners.
Eeny, meeny miny, mo.
Nice.
All right.
You're up, man.
Ah.
Uh, hitting's not really my thing, Coach.
Spoken like a true champion.
You just might make the team.
Awesome.
Really? Jesus Christ.
Okay, Frank.
That was easy.
Now just exit.
Don't talk to anybody.
These people are freak shows.
Wait.
Wait.
Better wash your hands.
No telling what kind of germs these McPoyles have.
Oh! Crap! I'm starting to feel weird.
What the hell? Oh, no.
Not again.
Oh, no! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Somebody get me outta here! Man, my brother just leveled your boy out there.
He's gonna make the Eagles.
Yeah, your boy's a pansy.
But Doyle's a big strong guy.
It's probably 'cause he eats all that fish.
Is he just gonna talk at me? I am gonna lose my shit.
What is going on with his head? It's too small or tight or something.
Yeah, that's it.
His skin's too tight.
My skin's not tight.
Good catch, Doyle! Good catch Way to hustle! Way to hustle! All right.
Who's next? This guy.
All right.
Run out and hook in.
Run out and hook in.
Show these people how to play football.
I'm gonna make Mac look so bad.
My form is perfect.
I'm like Jerry Rice.
Feel that stride.
So fluid and fast.
I've got the stride of a gazelle.
A beautiful, beautiful gazelle person.
My body is achieving a perfect symmetry right now.
It's that long, lean muscle I've worked so hard to achieve.
Hmm, I should've popped my shirt off.
Goddamn it.
Really should've popped that shirt off.
I wonder if any women are watching from the sidelines.
All right, Dee.
You can do this.
You can kick a football.
You're better at sports than Mac and Dennis.
Holy shit! The other coaches gotta hear about this.
Well, well, look who's a natural.
Guess I'll be getting further than you after all.
Maybe it was a lucky kick.
No.
No.
Those storklike legs they act like pendulums.
And on the bottoms of those pendulums, feet like wrecking balls.
We gotta do something about this, dude.
Let's go talk to Frank.
Come on.
I got an idea.
Somebody! Somebody help! Goddamn it! Goddamn it! Not again! Frank.
Hey, Frank.
Who said that? I'm Artemis.
I'm Dee's friend.
I'm trapped.
I know.
But I can help.
Crawl into my mouth.
I don't think I can fit.
Mmm, sure you will.
Just go one leg at a time.
Okay.
Into the toilet I go.
Man, this is crazy.
You are dancing with the entire McRoyle family.
These people are freak shows, man.
Freaks.
But you're keeping your cool.
You are keeping your cool.
You know why? Because you are the Green Man.
Green Man is saving your life right now, bro.
Just go with the flow.
Charlie, we've been looking all over for you, dude.
Ah, Green Man.
I knew you couldn't resist.
Huh? You know what? I'm actually tripping pretty hard right now.
You're tripping? Yeah.
Frank gave me some acid, and it's like whoo! Oh, Jesus.
Hey, guys.
Guess who got invited to training camp.
Yeah.
We're gonna be famous.
Look.
We need to talk to Green Man alone for a second, please.
Okay? Thank you.
Yes.
Bye.
Hey.
Can we talk to the Green Man? Just go.
Thank you.
Can we Guys mind Charlie, where's Frank? It's very important.
Really important.
Oh, Frank? Yes.
He's standing right there.
Frank, what the hell are you doing? He's been trying to climb through that trash can for 20 minutes.
I'm pretty sure he's on acid.
Thank God you guys are here.
How'd you get in here? What are you talking about? I've been stuck in this bathroom for three hours.
I think he took a dump in there.
Can you give us a second, please? Whatever.
I'm getting tired of watching him anyway.
All right.
Frank, listen.
Did you bring your gun today? Great.
Walk me through the plan.
Awesome.
The plan is, I get close to Dee.
When she goes to punt the ball, I'll fire the gun.
It'll startle her.
She'll blow the kick.
That's a great plan.
Wait a second! How long have we been standing right here? Like two seconds.
Seriously? Yeah.
Frank, give me the gun.
We're in a hurry.
Where is it? It's in your hand.
Wait, wait, wait, wait! When the hell did I put Green Man on? I don't know.
That lizard talks! Where? Where? I don't like lizards! We don't have time for this.
Frank, just give us the gun! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Lizard, am I standing in poop? I'm about to demonstrate to all of you my natural abilities as a punter.
I'm gonna kick this ball 60 yards right in front of your faces and I'm gonna do it as a woman.
Oh, that's right.
I'm a woman.
And I'm about to show all of you that women should be allowed to try out for the Philadelphia Eagles.
Coach.
Wrap your minds around this.
Oh! Oh, I broke it.
Oh, it may be broken.
Oh, sweet Jesus, I think I broke it.
Kick your legs, man.
Come on.
All right, Frank.
You're out of the trash can.
Now a deal is a deal.
Give us the gun.
Hold on.
Hold on.
I'm really peaking here.
Stop pointing the gun at us! Stop pointing it at us! Point it somewhere else.
Nobody minds if I do a little dancing now, do they? Nobody cares if you're dancing, Charlie.
Hey, guys.
Could somebody please take me to the hospital, because I'm pretty sure I broke every single bone in my foot punting that football.
Really? Yeah.
I didn't make the Eagles, but I would like to go to the emergency room now, please.
So your bones are made out of glass.
Yes! Nice.
No, my bones aren't Know what? It doesn't matter, because I made the furthest, so I win.
No, I win because you're the girl, and you got knocked unconscious.
You didn't win.
You got crushed.
Once again! Yes! That is so stupid.
Guess what.
I made it the farthest.
Yes, yes, yes! Yeah, yeah, yeah! What are you talking about? You shattered every Holy shit.
This thing is loaded.
My leg! Doyle, are you okay? My leg! Somebody shot my leg! No! Oh, that's not good.
That's not good.
No.
That could come back and bite us in the ass.
That's not a good thing.
Ready? Let's go!