Key and Peele (2012) s03e02 Episode Script

I don't care.
No, but I don't care.
And I'm trying to help people out over here.
No, okay, you know what, Jaqueline? No, I don't know.
What? You need to think about yourself sometimes, before you start insinuating yourself in other people's business.
Well, you know what, Deenyce? I'm gonna insinuate myself whenever and wherever I please, 'cause it's a free country, bitch.
Ooh.
- Uh-uh.
- Uh-huh.
- Uh-uh.
- Uh-huh.
Uh-uh.
Okay.
You know what? Oh, we doin' this? Yeah, we doing this.
Okay, so we gonna--here, baby.
Yeah, we are about to fight now.
Bring it on then, bitch.
Let's go.
I ain't even playin'.
'cause you know what? - Step to me then, go ahead.
- I wish you would - Step to me.
- Step up No, I would love for you to step to me, - I really would.
- To me right now, bitch.
But you're just talkin', that's the problem.
I don't even care no more.
And you're talking though, and that's all you're doing.
- Call me a bitch again.
- Oh, yeah? - Call me a bitch again.
- Okay.
- No, see what happens.
- Your wish is granted.
See what happens.
I would like to see what happens.
I would love to see what happens.
- Oh, you do? - Oh, absolutely.
So why don't you come and bring it then, bitch? Ooh.
See, no.
You are riding my last nerve.
And I ain't even playin' no more.
I am not even playin' no more.
Oh, it's on? Then let's do something, okay? You wanna go? Ooh.
Uh-uh.
Huh? There we go.
Let's do something.
Uh-uh.
- Uh-huh.
- Uh-uh.
It's uh-huh.
It's uh-huh.
Uh-uh.
Let's do something, bitch.
What? Ooh.
We told you not to mess with us, bitch! Y'all just saw that bitch turn into two little girls, right? Whoo! Whoo! Yeah.
Oh.
- All right.
- Thank you.
Thanks for being here, guys.
- I'm Keegan-Michael Key.
- I'm Jordan Peele.
And we're Key and Peele.
Thank you for coming.
You guys know the Super Bowl Shuffle.
Do you remember that? Yeah, unless you weren't born in 1985.
It was the '85 Bears.
Put out this rap video, just saying how much badasses they were.
How bad-- how badass they were.
No athlete has ever been able to rap, and it sounds good.
- It just doesn't happen.
- Right.
There's something about multiple concussions that just doesn't-- it isn't conducive to rhyming well.
You don't just get to put on the headphones and go, "Yeah, I gotta live it, s-so I can give it.
" Nope.
We gotta take it from the top 'cause you messed up the line, man.
- Yeah, okay.
- Live it, do it.
That's your only line.
- All right.
Mm-hmm.
- Ready? Go.
We got do it and-- - Nope.
- Gravitate toward it.
You already--why are you adding "gravitate?" - Okay.
Mm-hmm.
- Now, Flavius - Yes, yes.
- Can you just say four words? - Mm-hmm.
- And then we're gonna be good? - Four words! - No, this-- Hey, Jadinkalage? Yeah, L'Carpetron? Check out Leoz.
I wonder what he's dreaming about? He is probably dreaming about what we is gonna do to the team from the West.
I wonder.
T'Variusness T-King for short I'm a bad mamma-jamma and an awful sport Smoochie-Wallace You can call me Tyroil Rappin' up rushes like aluminum foil McCringleberry I'm very scary If I got the ball you best be wary L'Carpetron Dookmarriot I love the ball so much I wanna marry it 'cause the Eastern school's gonna beat the fools from the West Oh, yeah.
Where football's concerned We gonna show you that we are the best We are the best I'm Ibrahim Moizoos And my rhymes are clean like my name is Dr.
Seuss Probincrux III They call me "The Probe" I can intercept balls With my earlobe Shower-Handel That's my name Power candle sounds the same - With Jackmerius - D'Squarius And Javarison-Lamar Flaxon-Waxon plays sax and D'Marcus plays guitar 'cause the Eastern school's Gonna beat the fools from the West Okay Don't you know Where football's concerned We gonna show you that we are the best Indeedy, we are the best It must have been all a dream.
Or was it? Oh, it's on.
What's up, y'all It's Jefferspin I'm the big left tackle Gonna help us win X-Wing @Aliciousness I'll use my force to give the East distress L'Goodling-Splatt is where it's at Running through defenders and padding my stats Y'all know me I'm Washingbeard Catch so many balls it's a little weird 'cause you know we gonna win against the East Listen what we said We gonna get the most points And they gonna get the least Just tryin' to calm the voices running through my head Back it up It's Hardunkichud I hit the Q.
B.
and make a noise like thud Can't block me and all of that jazz 'cause y'all don't want none of this Ozamataz The Player T.
J.
A.
J.
Formerly Known Lewith As Mousecop and Donkey Teeth I'm the touchdown man That's Grundelplith But y'all ain't ready For my man Dan Smith Yo yo Smith comma Daniel Other kickers in the League don't hold a candle Cheerleaders up on my chocolate crotch Those goddamn baby cocker spaniel B.
Y.
U.
why you be Mad 'cause the bitches wanna get with me Got Swisher Sweets and dutchies rollin on' No other team can touch these Hittin' field goals blunted Been drunk when I punted Been like a hundred times That I already done it Oh, [bleep.]
See these haters thought I was playin' Stayin' away from my faces With all the bull[bleep.]
they sayin' But just remember who you tauntin' When you tossin' those gauntlets I'm Dan Smith and the West is gettin' rowdy like monsters Question for you.
Why do black people love mafia stuff so much? We do, right? - Goodfellas, Godfather.
- Godfather.
Godfather II, God-- Mm, on the third one, but We are very tolerant, considering that uh, mafia--mobsters are the most racist people in America.
- Hands down.
- Right? They say the N-word more than we do.
Yeah, it's crazy.
I mean, if you date a mobster's sister You will wake up with that bitch's head in your bed.
They're, like, the most cold-blooded people - in the world.
- They just don't give a [bleep.]
.
They don't.
- That's their motto.
- You laughed, but we're--we're gonna get shot after we walk off the stage.
I'm tellin' you, Vinny, no disrespect to your dearly departed grandmother, but my aunt makes a pasta--forget about it.
Your aunt lives in this neighborhood? Seems kinda dangerous.
What are you, McGruff the crime dog? Come on, we're late already.
Hey, uh, you--you say she lives in this house here? What the [bleep.]
's the matter with you, vinny? You're being rude.
let's go.
I'm not trying to be rude, it's-- The lights are off.
Maybe we-- let's come back later.
Y-- Hey, she's probably just takin' a nap after the huge meal she just made for us.
Go in.
I don't have the key.
You should go in first.
Oh, marrone, she said she'd leave it open.
Vinny, stop being such a strunzo and get in there.
All right, all right.
Surprise.
No, I'm good, man.
You hungry? Sure, I could eat.
Yeah, man.
Um, what you want? Uh, pizza? Chinese? Kill that noise, man.
I got a ratatouille.
Oh, [bleep.]
! That's a rat, dude.
No, it ain't.
That's a ratatouille, yo.
Hey, Ratatouille, go make my man a sandwich.
Yeah, show him what you got.
What the [bleep.]
, son? You got a rat up in your house? What this mean? I don't know what to say, man.
I got a ratatouille, man.
He a chef just like in all them movies, man.
No, no r--hey.
There's only-- There's only one movie, Levi, all right? And he's not a ratatouille.
He's a rat and his name is Remy.
- Potahto, potayto.
- Potahto, p-- - I gots myself a ratatouille.
That's all I know.
Order up.
Damn! Oh, Levi! Voilà.
Levi, look at this thing, man.
You see it got bite marks all over it.
Any good chef has to taste his creation.
That's rat [bleep.]
on the sandwich.
He did make a sandwich though.
Oh, hell no.
I'm out.
My dude, you need help.
Hey.
Oh, well, Ratatouille.
Another negative review.
Maybe you want it, Charlotte's web.
Has anybody been racially profiled here? Yes.
- Really? - Yes.
Yes.
That's why we have the glasses on, right? No, I'm good.
I'm one of the nerdy ones.
Here, right here.
Carry on, carry on.
Being a black man it is--it is scary, man.
We can get thrown away for just no reason.
Yeah, yeah.
Wh--I did what to who? Like, d--but seriously now, what? What are the charges? What did they get you for? D--I don't know.
They asked me to come down to the station.
- Oh, really? - Yes.
- I was just-- - I came.
- I'm a [bleep.]
idiot.
- I know.
Yeah.
Are you--is there any Muslim-Americans in the-- There we go.
All right.
We're very pleased-- You guys have it the worst - right now though, right? - Yeah.
They'll just look at your name and see it's All right.
[bleep.]
you go.
Look Rajid, I'm gonna make this really nice and easy for you.
I need names and you're gonna give 'em to me.
You have to listen to me.
You have to listen to me.
This is all a huge mistake.
Bull[bleep.]
! Department of Homeland Security's been monitoring your calls for weeks, Rajid.
We got you.
We know about you and your friends.
We know that you're a-- Terrierist.
I am a terrierist.
We--me and my friends, we breed dogs, specifically terriers.
We write terrierist fiction.
We spend a good deal of time discussing possible future terrierist plots-- Hmm.
That's a nice try.
It really is.
But it's bull[bleep.]
, Rajid! Come on.
Is that the best you got? Now come on, I'm listening.
Just tell me.
Tell me.
Tell me about this imminent attack.
What? What? What attack? I don't know what you're talking about.
What are you t--what am i talking about? - I don't-- - I don't know, huh? huh? I don't know what you're talking about.
- I'm telling you-- - No, you don't know? I don't know.
I don't know.
June 11, Rajid.
You spoke of an imminent attack.
Oh, oh, yes.
No.
Listen, that was my friend.
- Listen, his dog bit him.
- No.
And I told him, "If you do not train them" - No.
- "another terrier attack "is imminent.
" So you lie and you see what happens? I don't-- I'm not lying to you.
Come on, Rajid.
I like you.
let's be friends, huh? Now you still haven't explained to me why we found, on the search engine of your computer, the words "Target Washington" That--that is because I was in D.
C.
for a dog show and I had to buy a squeezy toy, a birthday card, and some deodorant all at an affordable price.
All right.
You can only do that at Target.
Yeah, okay.
I see how you wanna play this.
This is not a case of mistaken identity, Rajid, and you know it! We've heard the conversations between you and Jafar.
Where you discussing your hatred of American ideals.
No, no, Idols.
American Idols! I-I hate them.
They performed "Dancing Queen".
It was a desecration to ABBA.
My favorite band.
We got you on tape referring to Jafar as one of the architects of-- - 7-Eleven! it was 7-Eleven! Jafar--he designs convenience stores.
Oh, [bleep.]
.
Wilson, 65 dogs just attacked the Capitol building.
Were they terriers? How did you know? [bleep.]
! Praise ABBA.
Welcome to Metta World News.
In sports, I'd rather eat my hand than to have my penis cut off.
I'd really have to believe someone was gonna cut it off, but if I did, I could definitely eat my hand.
I know because I had a dream where I did it.
It was horrible.
I ate my whole hand.
Now that's what you call "rhetoric.
" Well, that wraps up Metta World News for this Wednesday, April Hurricane Slipknot.
I'm Metta World Peace.
Good night.
We go to the movies together sometimes.
- Yes.
- And we very often find ourselves in these really annoying spots where the guys in front of us are talking about a movie-- they can't remember a movie.
I've seen people get caught in a crazy, like, vortex.
Talking about-- hey, hey, man.
You know, what's the girl's name? What's the girl's name? - You know-- - She does this? - She does this? - She don't do this.
No, she, um--she on a boat.
and then the dude is on the boat.
She's doing it--she doing it.
She got--"I will always--in love--" - She's says "I will--" - "I'm on the boat.
" Oh, Whitney Houston, Whitney Houston, Whitney Houston, Whitney Houston.
- She's blonde.
- Oh, and--oh, she blonde.
She on the boat, and then the shark-- Jaws, man.
Jaws.
- Talking about Jaws.
- No.
The boat sinks, it crashes and sinks.
- What can hit it? - It sinks.
It hits a big-ass ice cube, and it sinks.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Friday.
- Damn, she was fly.
- She a'ight.
Yo, man.
Can I ask you a question? Yeah.
What? Why everybody messing with the Batmans? See? That's exactly what I've been asking myself.
It don't make no sense.
Why would you do it? Why would you do that? Why would you try and mess with the Batman? - It's futile.
- It is.
Yo, remember, Heath Ledger tried to.
Psh, I mean, the Batman's got armor.
And, you know, some martial arts and moves-- It don't work.
I got armor.
- And then martial arts.
- Come on.
- All you got is a purple suit and some pancake makeup.
Come on, man.
I mean, come on, man.
Batman.
- Why would you - mess with the Batman? - That's what I'm saying, man.
Oh, remember when Danny DeVito tried it? - Psh.
- Start walking around.
Talking like Come on, man.
I mean, the Batman is a multi-billionaire with a grudge.
You're just a little fat mother[bleep.]
in a tuxedo with an umbrella.
- Exactly, man.
- Come on, man.
It's like a pretend bird can't mess with the Batman.
No way.
no way.
out of the question, man.
But Jim Carrey though.
Psh, Jim Carrey though.
- Jim Carrey.
- Come on.
"Riddle me this.
Riddle me that, mans.
" How is Ace Ventura gonna mess with the Batmans? - Well played.
Well played.
- How is Ace Ventura-- Well played.
"Hey, Batmans.
I've come to get you.
" - Aah! - Now see.
How are you supposed to block a Batarang from going in your butt with a carefully crafted query? - You cannot.
That's how.
- It's impossible.
- Hey.
Hey, psh.
Hey, psh.
Hey, psh.
- Michelle Puhfeiffer.
- Michelle Puhfeiffer.
Michelle Puhfeiffer tried to mess with the Batmans.
Michelle Puhfeiffer tried to mess with the Batmans.
Michelle Puhfeiffer.
- Michelle Puhfeiffer - Michelle Puhfeiffer.
tried to mess with the Batman.
- Michelle Puhfeiffer.
- Michelle Puhfeiffer.
Guess what, Michelle Puhfeiffer? - You ain't a real cat! - Come on.
I'll tell you one thing.
Ain't no way you gonna meow-s with the Batman.
But what about Arnold Scharzenegger though ? What's Arnold Scharzenegger trying to do? Come on, man.
What is Arnold Scharzenegger-- Feel the burn.
Feel the burn.
Feel the burn.
It should be in your triceps.
- Come on, man.
- Arnold Scharzenegger-- You can't turn up the AC and think that's gonna mess with the Batman.
What is it supposed to be doing to the Batman? - Giving the Batmans a cold? - Come on, man.
Giving the Batmans a sniffle? Man, talking about Bat lozenge.
And you're defeated.
Come on, man.
You know, there is one person though.
Oh, no, no, no.
Here it come now.
There is one person who could-- Here it comes right now.
- Mm-hmm.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
There's one person who could Here it comes right now.
did, and shall again bested the Batman.
- No, no, no.
- Whoo! - Boy, here it comes.
- He trained the Batman.
He gave the Batmans his skills.
He's a mirror image of the Batmans in fighting prowess.
- I'm talking about - Ra's Al Ghul! That's right, dog.
Right there.
Talk about straight up Ra's Al Ghul.
- Played by the incomparable - Liam Neesons.
So even when we are talking about the Batmans Liam Neesons is my [bleep.]
.
Thank you.
Praise ABBA! - Good night, everybody.
- All right.
Thank you.
Good night, guys.
I'm gonna do my one line here Oh, yeah.