Lead Balloon (2006) s03e02 Episode Script

So, busy, busy, busy, from what you're saying? Yeah, loads on, but, you know You'll be able to find a window though? ctoct Where Do You Come From? It's a great show.
You're happy for the, er the family secrets to be aired in public? Yeah, God knows what you'll find.
Some of the stories are amazing.
My grandmother had six toes.
- Oh, really? - My great-grandfather was a glass-blower.
He made a decanter that was presented to King George V on his coronation.
Interesting.
That's nothing.
My great-uncle was the youngest-ever Spitfire pilot.
Reg Elworthy was his name.
Great.
War stories are always good value.
Yeah, well I've got all my granddad's medals at home.
- He was in the Second World War as well.
- Fantastic.
So here's where we're at.
We've got one more show to fill and, between you and me you're the frontrunner.
Great, well, yeah, I'd love to do it.
Like I say, I'm a big fan of the show.
Mmm.
Thanks.
So did you catch the last series? Yeah! God, I must have seen all of them, I think it was.
So you saw the David Johnson one? Ah, did I see that? I Um Well, you saw the Shirley Stevens one? Oh, that one, that was! (LAUGHS) When she found out her real father was an orphan.
OhI-I know.
She genuinely broke down.
It was great TV.
So, which one was your favourite.
I mean, apart from Shirley? - Oh, er, from the last series? - Mm.
Er Must have been the I think it was, er ct I wanna get high But I really can't take the pain ct MEL: You're being very childish.
No, I'm not.
Just fancied having breakfast up here.
- Oh, not avoiding Magda then? - No.
You know she's put up her own fridge magnet? - It's a panda.
- Can't say I've noticed.
Anyway, what does it matter? Not if she's started putting up her own fridge magnets.
She'll be hanging her own wallpaper next! It was only supposed to be for a couple of days.
It wasn't, it was until her boiler's fixed.
It's just some fumes! How long can it take to fix it? Well, they're having trouble finding the parts.
Her cousin's got involved now, - says he can get them over there.
- I bet he does! He'll be making them himself out of shrapnel and bits of tractor engine.
- Don't! - (mobile phone RINGs) - I'm only thinking of Magda.
- Yeah See you later.
Be nice.
Hello? Yeah, I'm on my way now.
Busy, busy, busy.
You know, it's dull, I'm not saying it.
Why do they want us to put all this technical stuff in there? The DVD comes with the equipment.
It shows you how to use it safely.
It's just scuba gear, who cares what they do with it? Anyway, I've got more important things to think about.
- Family tree show? - Yeah.
Have you heard from them yet? No, but the producer virtually told me they were gonna go with me.
I mean, you could write a whole series about my family.
Did I tell you my grandmother has six toes on one foot and my great-grandfather was a glass-blower? Don't bore me yet, I'll wait to see the programme.
- (SIGHS) - Do they know Spleen's not your real name? Yeah, I think the researchers have worked that one out.
Robert Shaw.
You could be related to George Bernard Shaw.
You ever thought about that? Mmm.
Could be.
What's up? Nothing.
Come on.
Well, all right.
Might as well come clean.
You're gonna find out anyway.
Um, Robert Shawisn't my real name.
- Go on.
- Well, it's a bit of a sore point cos I was teased a lot at school.
Kids can be so cruel.
So what is it? RobertCheesecock? Robert Retard? Robert Anus? Anus, is it Anus? No, my name is not Anus! It is Shaw, not Robert.
- It's Richard Shaw.
That's my real name.
- Richard Shaw? What's the matter with? Oh, Rick Shaw, as in rickshaw! And don't bother with any of the jokes cos I've heard them all before.
You should have kept it! What an entrance! Ladies and gentlemen, Rick Shaw! Ding-a-ling-a-ling-ding Ding-ding-ding! Don't bother.
I had that every time I walked into a classroom.
It was practically my theme tune.
That and a giant gong.
Yeah, well, the joke's on them because that's how I became a comedian, thinking up stuff to stop myself being bullied.
That's how it happens - the snappy comebacks, the put-downs.
Well, yes, it is a survival thing.
So what did you say when they did Ding-a-ling-a-ling-ding-ding-ding? - Oh, shut up.
- No, seriously, what did you say? That.
"Shut up.
" - What, that's it? - (Door opens) Well, what do you expect? I was only ten! - All right? - Hey, Ben, Sam, how's it going? - Yeah, good, good, good.
- Cool, thanks.
- BEN: Yeah, pretty busy at the moment.
- You know they started a band? MARTY: Hey, nice one! - So what are you guys called? - Ben And Sam.
Well, which one's which? - (BOTH LAUGH) - BEN: That's funny.
But, no, I amI am Ben.
- I know.
- Yeah, so, er we wrote a few songs, laid down a few tracks.
- Made a video.
- Yeah, whacked it on YouTube.
- It's as simple as that.
- So, can you make any money that way? Er Interestingly, that is the one snag.
No, you can't.
- Yeah, that's not why we're doing it.
- It's not about the money.
No, come on, Marty.
Have you never heard of artistic integrity? Oh, that's why you said yes to the scuba gear DVD! - Hope Michael's OK.
- Oh, he'll be fine.
You know what he's like.
It's not every day you find out your dad's gay.
I just hope it didn't push him over the edge.
Michael? People like that go from crisis to crisis.
They always bounce back.
I actually think they thrive on it.
Yeah, right.
What do you think we should do? Maybe we should get a pasty from the shop.
That's not exactly what I meant.
Ding-a-ling-a-ling-ding Ding-ding-ding! You know, like it's Chinese.
Ding-a-ling-a-ling-ding Ding-ding-ding! You know, you sit in the cart and someone pulls you along? - Oh, hey, Rick.
- My God, it's like being back at school.
MAGDA: This is like school? It's just that I was bullied over my name at school.
- Sorry, I know it's a sensitive issue.
- No, it's not sensitive.
It's just boring.
I'm used to it.
It's like water oct a duck's back, frankly.
A duck in pancake with plum sauce and the little cucumber strips? Yeah, see, this is what it was like at school, except some of us have grown up.
Come on, let's finish our training video before going-home time.
If this is like school, this is really bad.
Well, thank you, Magda.
I survived it, it was along time ago.
It's recist.
"Racist" and, no, it was just bullying, actually.
It's recist, but now I know why you a short man.
What? - Because you are a little bit Chinese.
- No, I'm not Chinese! - I'm not at all Chinese.
- Yes, but long time ago in the family? No, this has nothing to do with being Chinese, or short, for that matter.
But when you go on this programme, Where are You From? you will go to China and find cousins.
Magda, can we start from the beginning? I am not Chinese.
At school, I was bullied Yes, but your name is Rick Shaw.
This is name of Chinaman.
No, it's not! It's actually the name of a Chinese thing, and anyway, it's just a name.
It's like if my name was Curry, that wouldn't make me Indian.
Hmm, think you are a little bit.
- In the eyes.
- Ohplease! Here, you'd better take this, it's making me homesick.
That doesn't sound like he's ill to me.
"Closed due to personal circumstances.
" It's obviously hit him really badly.
Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you got pissed and blurted out the truth about his dad.
I know.
Oh, don't worry.
Everything hits Michael badly.
Like when that woman started breast-feeding in the café, he had to shut for the afternoon.
Maybe you should have put a note under the door? Saying what? "Sorry your dad's gay.
PS, gone for a pasty.
" He might need someone to talk to.
Oh, he'll be fine tomorrow.
It'll all be forgotten, all filed away under Stuff That Didn't Happen.
Anyway, I've got bigger fish to fry.
- Mmm? - Where Do You Come From? OhI need to talk to you about that.
- What? - Well, it's a bit awkward.
- Stella Darrell's up for it too.
- Stella Darrell?! Yeah, I think it's between you and her.
- How long have you known this? - Couple of days.
- And you didn't tell me? - I couldn't tell you.
I didn't want to give you an unfair advantage.
I'm her agent.
I'm your partner! - Well, it's not the same.
- Obviously! Well, she won't get it.
Calvin said I'm the frontrunner.
Sorry! Yeah, he said that to Stella too.
Well, you'll just have to tell her not to do it.
- What?! - Tell her it's a bad career move.
I don't care how you do it, just get her to pull out.
I'm not gonna do that! She wants it and I want her to get it.
This is a conflict of interest.
You should resign! (LAUGHS) Now you're being absurd! I'm only thinking of Stella.
You know how unbalanced she is.
- She's not unbalanced.
- She won't like it, all the crying bits.
"Oh, boo-hoo.
My great-granddad was an orphan.
" It'll all come out.
- What will? - The shoplifting.
Not proved! Look at the size of her.
They'll want to go into that.
- What's that got to do with it? - If there was a show called Why are You So fat? by all means put her up for that.
Rick! Stop it, you're being offensive! Fine.
(SIGHS) (SIGHS) That's that, then.
Good.
I still can't believe you got pissed and said that to Michael.
Huh! Unbelievable.
(LOUD MUSIC AND APPLAUSE ON TV) Magda? Magda! Oh! You make me jump! There's some letters for you.
Magda, can we just? - (TELEVISION OFF) - Oh! Yeah Some letters for you.
It's nice to get letters.
Yes, isn't it? So, you're getting all your post delivered here, are you? I think it's best.
Cos you don't want people to think you actually live here, cos that could be confusing.
Have you finished with this, can I? Ah, it's good news! Parts for boiler have arrived.
Thank God, finally! I mean, you can get your boiler fixed.
- Th-That's great news.
- Cousin has sent.
Good for him.
Well, you should probably get them over to your place, you know, - straightaway, so they can mend it? - Yes, I will take.
But first I must find out if man is father of child.
- (TELEVISION ON) - Angry woman has done lie machine.
Has she? Well, you know, as soon as that's finished, you should probably get that over to your - Bye.
Donna is first today, guys.
- (Applause) (MUSIC PLAYS) ON COMPUTER: ct #don't6elíeye you found it easy ct Have you seen this? Ben And Sam.
I saw it earlier.
It's quite catchy, isn't it? Catchy, is it? Hey, your dad thinks your song's catchy.
Maybe your pop group will end up top of the hit parade! Well, you know what I mean.
At least it's better than all that American crap you listen to on your iPod.
Hey, we got different tastes in music.
Let's not let it spoil a beautiful friendship.
The difference is, I'm musical and I don't think you are.
In what way are you musical? Which instrument do you play? You don't have to play an instrument to be musical! I'd say it helps.
- No, you don't.
- It's like saying, "I'm very artistic.
"I don't paint or draw, but it's there, trust me.
" I am musical, and I've obviously passed that down to Sam.
Well, we'll find out, won't we? When you do Where Do You Come from? Maybe one of your ancestors is a famous composer.
Well, you never know.
- Maybe he wrote that tune.
- What tune? - # Ding-a-ling-a-ling # - Oh, shut up! - Ouch, that killer put-down(!) - (SIGHs) So, scuba gear Never thought I'd be interested in diving cylinders.
Turns out I was right.
Maybe that's the answer to Magda's leaking boiler.
Get her a breathing apparatus to sleep in.
You're a really nice person.
This is not like Michael.
Maybe we should go to his place, or something? Oh, he'll be fine.
I'll give him a call.
It's not like him to be closed two days in a row.
(PHONE INSIDE RINGS) That was a stroke of genius(!) - Oh, well, we tried.
- You can't leave it at that! - That's the only number I've got for him.
- We gotta go to his place.
- I'm not going all the way over there.
- We'll get your scooter.
- I haven't got any petrol, I don't think.
- I think probably you do.
The front tyre's a bit flat - RICK: This is such a waste of time.
- (wrmD cHrmEs TrmKLE) - (DOORBELL RINGS) - (RICK SIGHs) - It's from yesterday.
- Well, perhaps he's gone away.
Come on, Rick.
Michael doesn't just go away.
He would have been telling us about it for the past three months.
- Rick! - Hmm? The TV's on, something's wrong.
(SPEECH INAUDIBLE) (SOUNDTRACK DROWNS SPEECH) MARTY: Come on, it's open.
So what? Michael! Michael! Oh, Jesus! Jesus! Oh, Marty, don't piss about.
Look! Oh! Oh, my God.
- Do you think we should? - Yeah.
Oh.
- MICHAEL: Agh! - BOTH: Ugh! Oh, hi! Thought I heard something! - Oh, man.
- You frightened the life out of me.
So, Michael, you're OK? (STRAINING) Couldn't be better, thanks.
So, what brings you two round here? Er, we were just passing, - thought we'd say hi.
- Oh, very nice to see you.
I thought I'd take some time out, get into shape, you know.
Nothing like a good work-out to get the old heart pumping.
So, have you seen your dad since? (MARTY LAUnERS) Since finding out he's gay? Um, no, I haven't, actually.
Must give him a call.
See how he and Colin are.
Anyway, nice of you to pop by.
I'm glad you're taking it so well.
(STRAINING) Oh, it's no big deal.
So Father and Colin are homosexuals.
It happens, doesn't it? Nothing wrong with it.
No-one else's business whatthey getupto.
- Hey! Sorry I'm late.
- No worries.
- Champagne? - Ooh, great.
So, congratulations.
Well done, you.
Bad luck, you.
It must be disappointing for you and Let's just enjoy the champagne, shall we? Exactly.
So long as there aren't any hard feelings? - No, none at all.
- Good.
And Stella's all right about it? First thing she said was, "Say well done to Rick.
" You don't think I should call her? No.
No! Just to commiserate, maybe some flowers, box of choc Oh, no, maybe not.
I should throw this at you.
I'm really excited about it though.
I can't wait to see what they've found out.
You know Shaw is an ancient Scottish name? I googled it.
You think you might find out you're the rightful king of Scotland or something? That is unlikely, but, you know, maybe one of my ancestors was, I don't knowRabbie Burns.
That would explain the writing thing.
Yeah, but not the surname.
Look, I'm just saying it'll be great to see what they come up with.
Yeah, I fancy a trip to the Highlands.
Back to the old country.
Are you sure you shouldn't be drinking whisky? Actually, that's a great idea.
- Do you fancy one? - You're in a good mood.
Well, it's a bit of a double celebration.
Oh, yeah? The parts for Magda's boiler have finally come through.
What do you mean, you're Scottish? Look it up.
Shaw is a Scottish name.
My ancestors came from Scotland.
It's a good thing they didn't find that out at school.
You'd have had the bagpipes as well.
"It's Rick McShaw, the Chinese Scotsman!" Ding-a-ling-a-ling-ding.
(shouts SCOTLAND THE BRAVE) Oh, shut up! There it is again.
Nice one.
I'm just saying they've obviously found out some amazing stuff, that's the reason they're going with me and not Stella.
- You don't know what they found out.
- Yes, I do.
There's my gran with the extra toe, Great-Uncle Reg the Spitfire pilot.
The glass-blowing guy.
Yes, and now the Scottish connection, it's all slotting together.
It's an incredible story when you think about it.
It's Roots for the 21 st century.
Well, obviously there's no slavery and stuff in it, but in its own way, this is just as Rick, please don't say it's just as fascinating cos I'll have to punch you really hard for your own good.
Right Diving regulator valves.
What if they found out something bad? What? That's why they're so keen to have you.
They're setting you up.
No, they wouldn't do that.
No, seriously.
What if they found out you had a traitor in your family? Or a murderer? Or some guy who got shot for sodomising a mule? They won't find out anything like that.
The Shaws are a very respectable Scottish clan.
You googled your surname, you have no idea what they're gonna find.
They won't find out anything like that.
They won't.
- So she only had six toes? - What do you mean, only? - Well, like you're meant to have ten.
- What? No, on one foot, she had - six toes on one foot.
- Oh, right.
Obviously she's got shoes on there, so you can't see.
- That must have been uncomfortable.
- Yeah, probably.
This is my great-uncle.
Youngest-ever Spitfire pilot.
He's not in his Spitfire there, though, is he? No, that's a deckchair.
He was obviously waiting to be scrambled when that was taken.
Ben, Sam, love that song of yours on YouTube.
- Oh, cheers, man.
- Cool, - have you heard it? - Heard it?! I can't get it out of my head, it's great! - Aw, thanks! - So are you gonna do more? Yeah, might as well at some point, you know.
Well, good luck with that.
Oh, Magda.
So it's all fixed? - Yes, boiler is fixed now.
- Oh, that's great.
So you're definitely moving back today? No, landlord said would be better tomorrow.
- Did he? - Are you sure it's safe? - Maybe you should have a test done.
- It definitely is safe.
You don't want to go back there if it isn't safe.
- It is.
- Not if it's like Spikey's mate.
Oh, yeah, Lewis.
He thought he could smell gas one day - so he left the house.
- BEN: Yep.
What happened to him? - Nothing.
- He just left.
- He never came back? - No.
S-Sorry, what? He thought he could smell gas so he left the house - and he never came back? - Pretty much, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, more or less, yeah.
I have a gift for you.
Oh, Magda, you shouldn't have.
Because you're kind enough to let me stay.
I get it from Chinatown.
Ah Thanks.
- It's lucky.
- Is it? Oh, good.
You can press (CHINESE FLUTE MUSIC) - It's really cool.
- That is so thoughtful, Magda.
Ah! Marty, Rick.
- You all right? - The very people I wanted to see! - Really? - Sounds ominous.
I just wanted to thank you for dropping by yesterday.
- No worries.
- Any time.
No, really, I meant it.
I know you weren't just passing.
Well, I must admit, - I was a bit worried about you.
- Well, thanks, guys.
It was very thoughtful of you and I was very touched.
- You're welcome.
- Good! Right, the lasagne's lovely today.
- I'll get you a menu.
- OK.
Incredible.
- It's like nothing happened.
- Back to his old self.
I guess he just worked it out of his system.
There you go.
So what have you been up to, apart from checking up on old friends? Well, since you ask, Rick is hosting a DVD for a company that makes scuba gear.
Really? So diverse what you do, isn't it? No job too small.
Yeah, I've got some pretty big stuff coming up, actually.
Oh, such as? Oh, there's this TV show they've asked me to do Hi.
Do come in, take a seat, be with you in a sec.
Sorry, you were saying No, I'm doing Where Do You Come from? The family tree show.
- Are you? - I come from a fascinating family.
- Really? - Rick.
You know my great-grandfather on my father's side was a glass-blower.
He made a decanter - that was presented to King George V.
- Oh, right? (CLEARS THROught) Yeah, it's amazing what you find out about your family.
Ha! Isn't it? I've actually already discovered I'm Scottish.
I don't know how my father kept that secret all these years cos I had absolutely no idea.
No, I'm sorry, we're closed! You'll have to leave! Thank you, please.
Thank you.
Lovely.
Yeah, and then he just sort of sank to the floor and started whimpering in this low-pitched kind of - Poor Michael.
- Yeah, I know.
He was in a real state.
I had to stay with him till he calmed down.
- Sounds like he needs help.
- I know.
I mean, they should put him on drugs or something.
(LAUGHS) What? The last thing he needs is to be dosed up on Prozac.
Just push it all further under the carpet.
Sometimes I think there's a lot to be said for it.
Maybe I'll drop by tomorrow lunchtime, see how he is.
Yeah, it's good idea.
Oh, actually, I won't be there, - I've got a meeting.
- oh.
Where Do You Come From? They want to talk about all the stuff they found out, go through the shooting schedule.
Oh, that's a point.
Better check my passport! (LAUGHS) - You don't need one to go to Scotland.
- Hm? Not if you're the rightful king.
ct I don't care what they say ct There's got to be another way ct I said dream on, dreamer ct Really? Ha-ha-ha! Oh, that's great! What, and it all checks out? (clacks FINGERs) Ho-ho-ho! No, no, no, you keep going.
OK, laters.
Bye.
Sorry, Rick.
Busy, busy, busy.
Yeah.
Sounds promising.
Anyway, I, er, I brought this in to show you.
This is my grandmother.
Obviously, you can't see her foot in that one but, er The one I wanted to Ah, where is it? Where is it? It's here somewhere There! That's my grandfather, he's the one with all the medals.
Before you go on, Rick, er Whoo! This isn't easy.
Come on, you can't shock me.
What have you found out? I know it's a bit late to be messing you around, but we've decided not to go with you.
No, y-y-you haven't even seen these.
- That's my family - Yeah.
I don't need to.
We've done some research and the truth is, there's nothing there.
I'm sorry to say it, Rick, but your family's basically dull.
What do you mean? What about my great-uncle, the youngest-ever Spitfire pilot? Yes, yes, we looked into that.
There was an R Elworthy at, where was it, Tangmere, but he was ground crew, no pilots under that name.
Might have been covert missions.
There wouldn't have been any records kept.
There would, actually.
What about my great-grandfather, the King George V stuff? Yes, now that did check out.
- Well, there you go! - He was a glass-blower, and, by all accounts, he did make a decanter that was presented - at King George V's coronation.
- Yeah, see? But I meanso what? Well I mean, you haven't even mentioned this - the Scottish connection.
- Shaw? - Sorry, Rick, we've made our decision.
We're, um (CLEARS THROAT) We're going with Stella.
She's got the most incredible family tree.
Goes right back to the Reformation, Catholics being smuggled out of the country.
All kinds of exciting stuff! Henry VIII pops up.
Yeah, OK.
Not what I'd watch, butup to you.
If it's any consolation, Rick, you're not the first person this has happened to.
Sometimes a family sounds great, you research it, and they turn out to be what we calla dud.
Oh, right.
Oh, well, it's your loss.
You know, you could have made a nice little programme out of this, but Yeah You know my daughter's band is on YouTube? - Right - You could have traced that back to some well-known classical composer.
But never mind, no, I'll take the idea elsewhere.
- MEL: I am so sorry.
- It doesn't matter.
I found out as soon as I got to the office.
I tried to get you on your mobile.
I'm fine with it.
To be honest, it was more of a case of me pulling out.
I didn't think much of that Calvin.
Bit of a dud, if you ask me.
- Didn't even know I was Scottish.
- In fairness, you don't know that for certain.
Well, we'll never know now, will we? I mean, that would have made a fascinating programme in itself.
SoStella's gonna do it, is she? Yeah, she is.
Good.
I'll look forward to watching it.
What is that? Oh, that's a present from Magda.
That's a strange present.
She gave me some chocolates and a bottle of wine.
Why would she give you something like this? Well, because she thinks I'm Chinese.
It's a long story.
Still, the main thing is, we finally got rid of her.
- Oh, and that her boiler's safe.
- Yeah, that as well.
You've got to admit, it's nice to have the place back to ourselves, isn't it? - Oh - BEN: All right? SAM: Er, just so you know, I gave Ben the spare keys.
Yes, yeah, cheers.
I've said Ben can stay with us.
- Have you? - Yes, just for a couple of days.
Yeah, his step dad's gone oct on one.
Yeah, there was a problem with us rehearsing round there.
He kept going on about the noise.
Did he? Oh, cool, I love this thing! (CHINESE FLUTE MUSIC) Could you stop that? Er, sure, yeah.
How do you stop it? (MEL LAUGHS) It's good, isn't it? SAM: It doesn't have an oct button.
ct I don't believe you found it easy ct and all the whíle that you've been breathíng ct In and out ct You've gone wíthout ct You're ímpossíble ct - MAN: It's OK, Rick.
Don't panic! - I didn't panic, I just wasn't expecting that! Why didn't you tell me that was gonna happen? Sorry, Rick, it's just your writer said we'd get a more natural reaction that way.
- Oh, did he?! - (LAuGHTER) - As if you'd get sharks in lakes! - That's my point, that's why I got out, it just looks stupid.
I mean, it's supposed to be a safety video.
Someone has to take it seriously.
ct and ín and out ct You've gone wíthout ct