Live at The Apollo (2004) s03e02 Episode Script
Jimmy Carr
This programme contains strong language Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello! Thanks! WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE Hello, Hammersmith! Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr.
Being here is a dream come true, only this time I've got trousers on, and you're not zombie penguins.
Live at the Apollo If my friends could see me now Well, they could, but should have booked tickets.
This show is for the BBC, who've been accused of misleading viewers.
I can tell you, that is nonsense.
And it's great to be able to tell you that live from Vegas.
If you're watching the repeat, it's great to be back.
They do edit a lot of stuff on TV.
That bit earlier, where I told you how to get out of paying the licence fee They'll probably cut that.
Who Do You Think You Are? That's a great BBC show, isn't it? I'll tell you who I'd love to see on that.
Prince Harry.
What?! I'd just be interested in knowing what his background's like.
I've got a friend whose nickname is Shagger.
You might think that's quite cool, but she doesn't like it.
I've got a friend who has a theory - she reckons the way to drive a man wild with desire is to nibble on his ear lobes for hours and hours.
I think it's bollocks.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE My girlfriend said to me, "Have you been having sex behind my back?" I said, "Who the fucking hell did you think it was?" "Another thing - it wouldn't kill you to look round once in a while, check how I'm doing.
" I'm Jimmy Carr and we have Alan Carr on the show later on.
How about that? CHEERING APPLAUSE I keep on getting mistaken for Alan Carr, so what I've done is, I've stopped sucking men off.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Don't get the wrong idea.
I'm a very gay-friendly act.
I was asked last year to judge Mr Gay UK.
I said, "No problem at all.
"It's against nature and God.
He's going to hell.
" Right, who have we got in the audience this evening? Nicky Hambleton-Jones is in.
Hello.
I've seen your show.
Yours is the one where you get ladies naked and then they cry.
We've all been there.
For me, that's a very successful Friday night out.
Have we got James Morrison? Is James Morrison in the house? Hello, James, how are you? An amazing musician, especially if you find James Blunt a bit rocky.
You Give Me Something is an amazing song.
You Give Me Something is my favourite song ever about chlamydia.
My favourite, I love it.
Dean Macey's here.
Where's Dean Macey? Dean Macey.
You're our hope for Beijing in the decathlon.
I love the decathlon.
It's where you do ten different things, isn't it? A sort of jack of all trades, master of none.
If you don't mind me saying.
The 2012 Olympics is gonna cost £8 billion, which is a lot of money.
It'll probably bankrupt London, but you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.
Incidentally, the highest speed ever achieved on a bicycle was done by a British man.
116mph on a bike.
It was recorded at a level crossing.
£8 billion is a lot of money.
For that kind of money, we could have another three weeks in Iraq.
I don't have a stalker, but I do have a woman that sends me pants in the post.
Thanks, Mum.
People ask me how I relax, so I tell them, I put Smarties tubes onto cats' legs to make them walk like a robot.
If I'm really stressed I make them go down the stairs.
It's adorable.
They look so confused.
I realised some of you will be worried about the cat.
Don't worry about the cat.
If it's hurt, if it breaks its leg, it's already got a splint on.
I should warn you, don't kick off this evening.
I'm middle class, but I'm hard.
Al dente, you might say.
If you got the al dente reference, you're middle class too, well done.
LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING I've got quite a posh voice, though.
Would you agree, Hammersmith? It's quite a posh voice.
But we've all got a phone voice.
Mine's quite breathy.
I quite like those phone sex lines.
I like them cos they're the only place in the world where premature ejaculation is an advantage.
I once came in under 75 pence.
Sorry, I can see you down there, you're a young man, you might not have the money to waste on expensive sex phone lines.
What I would recommend to you is NHS Direct.
It's a free call, they're all wearing nurses outfits and they're bound, by law, to listen to you talking about your swelling.
My friend got his bathroom redone.
He was showing off.
He said, "We've got a walk-in shower.
" I said, "How were you getting into it before?" I went on Ask Jeeves.
I asked Jeeves why Google is so much better.
I used to buy lottery tickets every week, until I realised you can watch it on TV for nothing.
I like to think of bungie jumping as suicide for indecisive people.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions.
The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I don't mind Tony Blair getting paid millions of pounds for his autobiography now he's no longer Prime Minister, cos he's got mouths to feed.
One of which is enormous.
He said in an interview recently that he sometimes makes love to Cherie up to five times a night.
And there's me thinking the decision to go into Iraq was difficult.
When I was at school, I had a friend called Russell.
I say he was a friend - he sat next to me on the first day of school when we were five and continued to hang around for the next 15 years.
Just inviting himself along to everything and kind of being there.
We've all got one of those, haven't we? If you're thinking, "I haven't," it's you.
And I'm not proud of this, but it happened.
We were at a party, we were a little bit drunk.
He was very drunk, he passed out.
Myself and another friend, we shaved off his eyebrows.
He was really surprised.
But you couldn't tell.
I'm on a diet at the moment.
It's really simple - I can eat as much broccoli and cauliflower as I like.
It's brilliant.
I haven't had any so far.
My girlfriend bought a breadmaker.
Has anyone here got a breadmaker? My girlfriend bought a breadmaker, £500.
Great.
We live next door to a 24/7 convenience store Bread is 49p a loaf.
Which, granted, is convenient and cheap.
But we will break even.
In the next four years.
If we double our consumption of bread and we can somehow get the ingredients for free and we don't take into consideration labour costs.
What I'm basically saying in that joke is, "I love you, Caroline, but for fuck's sake!" I was asked this evening not to be patronising or sexist.
I thought, "Fair enough, let's face it, birds can't take it.
" CHEERING AND APPLAUSE BOOING You're not offended, are you? Course not, you're thinking about shoes.
Don't worry, that's post-modern misogony.
That joke was, in fact, steeped in irony.
So, don't you worry your pretty little head about it, love.
I've got a theory as to why women buy so many shoes.
It's cos they spend so much time on their feet walking round the shops buying shoes.
My girlfriend's a deep sleeper.
You can't wake her up.
Which has got its advantages.
She's gonna be thrilled when I tell her she's pregnant.
I've got a friend that didn't believe in sex before marriage.
So I showed him some photos.
I said she can't be married to all four of them! A couple of weeks ago, I failed to perform, sexually.
I'm not going to go into details.
Suffice to say I arrived early.
My girlfriend said, "Don't worry, that happens to a lot of guys.
" I said, "I'll stop you there, couple of things "Firstly, who are these 'a lot of guys'? "Secondly, if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be your fault?" Our reaction as a society to Britney Spears - especially men's reaction to Britney Spears - tells us a lot.
Britney Spears is the kind of woman that men see on television and say, "She has let herself go.
"What is she? A size 12? What a state.
" But if we fucked her, we'd be high fiving strangers on the night bus.
Ladies, if you get a burning sensation when you pee, it could be one of three things.
It could be cystitis, it could be a bush fire, or it could be someone is talking about your VJJ.
I'm telling these jokes.
It sounds like I'm misogynistic, but I'm not.
I'm quite a modern man.
I have no problem buying tampons, but apparently, they're not a proper present.
Happy birthday, Mum.
It says super on the box, I don't know what you want.
If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus? I was raised Catholic.
Any Catholics in? WHOOPING That couldn't be more inappropriate as a response.
Any Catholics in? Way-aye! I was raised Catholic.
The thing that annoyed me about church was the standing up, sitting down and kneeling.
I wished the priest could just pick a position and fuck me.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Are you drinking tonight, ladies and gentlemen? Are you drinking? AUDIENCE: Yeah! I like drinking when you get beyond beer and wine into the crazy drinks you only order when you're drunk.
Things like the flaming sambuca.
No one has ever order one when sober, and the reason is clear.
It's on fire.
It's the equivalent of thinking, "I'm a bit thirsty," spotting a glass of water and thinking, "No, out of the corner of my eye, I have spotted a gas hob "Let's see if that takes the edge of a thirst.
" The only possible reason I can think to order a flaming sambuca when sober is if you are going out with a girl and she is something special.
She's beautiful, she's funny.
She's intelligent.
You think she might be the one.
You've been out on a couple of dates.
You think you're ready to make a commitment.
But she has a problem with facial hair on the top lip.
Now, that can be a very awkward thing to bring up.
I think, much easier, just take her out for a drink.
"Two flaming sambucas, please.
" "I know I'm driving, they're both for you.
" I'm going to bring on an act now who has the same surname as me, ladies and gentlemen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now, the way to tell us apart is I'm the one you didn't meet in the toilets at the park.
I'm joking.
I am going to bring on one of the world's finest working comedians.
Ladies and gentlemen, please go wild and crazy for Alan Carr.
WILD APPLAUSE Oh, hello! How are you? Oh, oh, please.
Lovely.
Thank you.
How are you? All right? AUDIENCE: Yeah! I am a bit worried about that smoke, I think I have a shadow on my lung.
See that smoke? Where there's blame, there's a claim.
I could sue the pants off the BBC, couldn't I? I am a bit against that "Where there is blame, there's a claim" but the advert is funny, innit? When that fat woman falls over, that's funny, innit? In that reception, she doesn't see the puddle, does she? Too busy eating, that's the trouble.
She goes down like a sack of shit, doesn't she? So funny.
Her handbag flies in the air and a pasty comes out.
Lunch! Got on the property ladder this year.
It's hard getting that deposit together to buy your own.
It's hard getting your deposit together, innit? You start having dark thoughts, don't you? You start looking at your mum and dad, thinking, "If only they had an accident" It's hard work looking for it.
I hate looking for houses, I hate my estate agent, Jeannette.
A fat, dumpy little thing like that.
It's like someone has sewn her head onto a beanbag.
She's got one of those ponytails, you know, that girls have with their hair scraped back? It's that tight, her eyes are here.
She looks like a cod.
She puts her sunglasses on, you can still see her eyes.
She showed me round some dumps.
Oh, my God.
She's like, "There's the washing machine.
"That's the settee.
" I said, "Shall we go inside the house now?" Rough? God, it was rough! Even the pigeons were going, "Big Issue, Big Issue.
" Speaking of Big Issue, I'm walking through, this tramp goes "Big Issue?" I said, "No, thank you," he said, "You faggot.
" I said, "Faggot with a home!" They don't build houses any more, they're all self-contained flats.
Jeanette showed me this flat.
Honest to God, no bigger than this.
No bigger than this! It was like a panic room with a kettle.
You could make your dinner, do a shit and answer your door at the same time.
Do you mind? I'm trying to eat pasta, thank you.
My friend Karen said, "It's great living on your own, you can walk around the house in the nude.
" I live opposite a playground.
You fucking can't! I'd be put on a list! Anyone here live on their own like me? AUDIENCE: Yes! I don't mind being single, it's the dodgy dates.
Oh! Have I been on dodgy dates.
How bad can a date be when you spike your own drink with Rohypnol? I can't believe I'm single.
Know what I mean? I am 31, I'm on the telly.
Do you know what I mean? 24-hour binge drinking, you'd think someone would fucking try and slip the tongue in.
People do drink too much, though, don't they? Has anyone been to A&E on a Friday night? Have you seen the state of people there on a Friday night? Oh, my God, I thought someone had bombed Lidl.
I knew something was wrong, cos I was a looker! People were like, "Who's that? Hey, Alan.
" I wasn't there for me, I was there for my flatmate, Monica.
She'd fallen and come down awkwardly on a toilet duck.
It's easily done, thank you.
She didn't want to go to A&E because she's into all of this alternative medicine.
I thought, "I'd like to see crystal and whale music get that out!" Mind you, I drink loads as well.
I don't mind the drinking, it's the waking up with the mingers.
Oh, waking up with the mingers.
In the morning, pulling that sheet back, it's like Silent Witness.
That's him.
And you've got to chat to them.
What do you say to them? You lay there and entertain yourself while I scrub my cock with some wire wool.
I mean, I don't feel safe in my house.
I've got myself one of those intruder alarms, Like a burglar alarm with the sensors.
I didn't know whether to have it on while I'm asleep.
I said to the man who installed it, "Would you have it on while asleep in the house?" He said, "Well, Mr Carr, it's whether you want to wake up with a man standing over you "or you want 15 seconds to jump into action.
" I'm like, "Fucking 15 seconds?" It takes me 20 seconds to find me bleeding glasses! "I know you are in here "I've got a knife!" "Oh, hello.
" Now, my street's pretty grim.
We got this petition round about mindless vandalism.
Had to sign it.
I said, "All vandalism is mindless, innit?" No one goes into a smashed-up phone box and says, "Oh, I see what you've done here.
" "Donna sucks cock.
" What a lovely font.
Is that piss? Mm, hollyhocks.
I mean, they're absolute morons on our street.
I tried to get them to recycle.
Do you have your different bins here in Hammersmith? SILENCE LAUGHTER Anyone seen a bin? No? Not in Hammersmith.
You have your glass, me and Monica put our glass in there, our paper in there, you know.
We put our old clothes in there.
Five minutes later they're smashing the bottle on the street, pushing each other up and down in the bins dressed as me and Monica.
I try to do my bit.
Did you see me on Live Earth at Wembley? WOMAN: Yeah.
The same woman, yeah.
That's nice.
Hammersmith says, "Fuck the planet.
" That's lovely.
I had to do my little speech.
I don't know if you saw the speech.
I had to tell people to turn their thermostats down or Maidstone and Blackpool would disappear into the sea.
Shit(!) But do you know what pisses me off? You know who they're blaming for global warming now? Single people.
Yeah, single people, because we're in our house all on our own using all that energy by ourselves.
Oh, yeah, sorry for being minging.
Sorry.
Maybe you could attach a wind turbine to my wanking arm.
This one's for Africa! And I worry.
My psoriasis has come back.
I get covered in red scabs all over my body.
It makes me feel low and run down.
It affects my self-esteem.
Thanks for laughing, you bitch! I feel low and run down and I went to the doctor to see what he could give me.
It was a bit insensitive, cos he gave me a bell.
WILD LAUGHTER I went for a second opinion, as you would.
He gave me this steroid cream.
Absolutely fabulous.
It's got testosterone in it.
It's brilliant.
You rub a bit in.
DEEP VOICE: It lasts for a few days.
You've got to be careful with this testosterone.
I rubbed too much in, my friends found me at Yates wine lodge, going "I can smell pussy!" Never again.
I don't know if you know, with psoriasis, it's when your skin makes more and more layers.
All over my body, layers and layers.
You want to see downstairs as well.
You could take my foreskin off and use it as a snood.
Anyone here on that network 3? That phone company? What a load of shit.
Oh, my God.
1,000 minutes for £30 a month.
That's good once I get a signal.
Whoo! The Government says now we can use our mobile phones on planes to help combat terrorism.
I'm sorry, with a network 3 phone, even if Al-Qaeda hijacked the plane and drove it into a phone mast, I'll be going, "Can you hear me now? "We've been hijacked!" I'm going to send a picture text.
It's like the supermarkets, you've got pack and scan now.
I used to like flirting with the checkout people.
You can't do it anymore, can you? Arrange the fruit and veg in a seductive manner.
How did that carrot get there? Pack and scan.
You want to come to Manchester and see pack and scan at the supermarket.
Honestly.
It's the acceptable face of shop lifting.
Honestly.
I was behind a woman putting a widescreen telly through as button mushrooms.
£1.
50 Marvellous! Put my name in the Internet the other day.
I wish I'd never bothered.
I'm on a website, 20 Celebrities I'd Like To Punch.
com.
Madonna, J-Lo, Tom Cruise and then me.
I'm the only one who can't afford a fucking body guard.
J-Lo ain't going to get twatted outside Morrisons, is she? No, it'll be me.
Have you seen me fight? I can't fight.
It's a cross between Riverdance and a doggie paddle.
If it can go wrong, anything will.
I just attract bad luck.
How many people do you know can get sexually assaulted on a Jack the Ripper walk? I thought it was part of the experience.
Oh, Jack, your hands are cold.
Now, honestly, if you look like a victim, you get treated like a victim, don't you, sir? Your life's been shit.
No, that's like when I went and got my glasses.
I had the afternoon off school.
He comes in with these glasses, that thick.
That thick.
I said, I can't see the board, not the Pennines.
You can see the future.
You can see the future.
I was telling my nan the lottery numbers.
"5, 48, 9" No, it's horrible when you lose your sight.
It's horrible.
I was on the train the other day.
They've got Braille in the toilets in the train.
Braille.
As if a blind person couldn't smell that was a fucking toilet.
They're hardly going to go, "Buffet car?" They've got a baby-changing unit in braille.
Baby changing unit! Blind person, changing a baby on a train in a toilet, what could possibly go wrong? Let's make it interesting, pop some roller skates on.
My dad's still not pleased I'm doing this job.
Oh, he's not happy.
My parents, they're pushy parents, but they're not as pushy as those parents you get on Britain's Got Talent or Stars In Your Eyes Kids.
Those parents are too pushy, aren't they? You know when the door opens and the smoke clears, you can see the parent's foot "Get on that fucking stage!" The little kid's trembling, going, "Who the hell's Patsy?" # Crazy # The worst thing for me was being picked for the team.
That was awful.
D'you remember standing in line waiting to get picked? Like ethnic cleansing, weren't it? All the fit and healthy people at one end.
Me and the fat kids And those kids were fat.
One girl had to be cut out of a hula hoop.
The bullies, they nicked me kit.
Nicked me kit! I had to go to lost property box.
Do you remember the smell from lost property box? Those clothes weren't lost.
No one loses the clothes in that box.
Those were clothes that Africa had sent back.
Getting their own back for harvest festival.
That's what they were doing.
Remember we had to send food over to Africa? What did my mum send? Pineapples chunks and peach slices.
They grow them over there! Have them back in a tin.
In syrup.
All from the back of the cupboard, all these mouldy peaches and pineapple chunks.
Then you'd hear on the news - 1,000 dead in the Gambia.
You'd think, "Oh "They've had a trifle.
" The worst thing I got out of lost property box was a pair of Speedos.
Egg, how do you get egg on Speedos? What have you swam in? Egg! I used to take my glasses off and imagine the stains were swimming badges.
The egg would come off and overtake.
I'd be, "Get back there.
" It's a wonder any of us learned to swim.
Do you remember those council-run swimming baths they used to take you to? All those chemicals.
If you did more than two lengths, you'd change sex.
"Do you want a float, Alan?" "It's all right, I've got these breasts.
" Lads taking their dicks home in verucca socks.
I don't think I could go back to school.
I think kids are too tough.
They are, aren't they? They're all out of control.
It's since we have been giving them stupid names.
When they were called James, Bob, Tomnot a peep out of them.
Now they are called Always and Aubergine and Aura They want to stab you in the face.
But the kids' names, they're not even like Roman gods or Greek emperors.
Do you know what I mean? They're off the wall.
I was served by a girl in Boots called MmmDanone.
Now, in school they're getting bullied on the Internet and all that.
People bully by text.
And people know what my act's like.
They said, "What advice would you give to someone who is being bullied by text?" All I can say is, just get yourself a network 3 mobile phone.
Cos by the time you get the text, you'll have graduated, have kids yourself.
"Your mum smells of piss.
" So she should, she's 87.
Do you know what I hate with texting? Do you agree with me, Hammersmith? LOL at the end.
Laugh Out Loud.
WOMAN SHOUTS AGREEMEN I'm with you, love.
Got one the other week.
"I had to go to the shop to get some toilet paper, LOL.
" Did you really LOL? Did you really? Did you really go, "I have to go to the shop, ha, ha!" And have you tried flirting with text? I can't work it out.
I got a text the other night.
"Thanks for a lovely night, speak soon.
" There was no kiss It was all in lower case.
So I played it cool.
Texted back, "I love you, don't make me cut myself" ".
.
LOL.
" Ha, ha, ha! I mean, I know I didn't get my sporty gene off my dad.
But I got other things from my dad.
I got his baldness gene.
I don't know if you've seen, my hair's going.
It's grim.
I don't mind going bald, but I can't go to the trendy hairdressers anymore, know what I mean? Gotta go to the old men ones, down the back streets, know what I mean? No one will dare model for them, they stick black and white photos of sex offenders in the window.
That old man ruined my hair.
I could have cried.
Then he gets the mirror out, I am like, "Thanks, yeah.
" "The back's just as shit as the front.
" "Complete mess, thanks to you.
" "Something for the weekend? I'd struggle to get a wank looking like this.
" I am looking at other ways I've seen in the back of the sports pages now.
Have you seen those Regrow injections in your hair.
Have you seen the photos? Your hair grows back, dunnit? Into the shape of a wig.
No one knows it's a wig unless they've got eyes.
There's that new one coming over from California, where someone donates that strip of hair there and they sew it into your fringe.
I quite like that idea.
Knowing my luck, I'll get someone with a pony tail and a scrunchie.
Hanging there like a gay unicorn.
"Got a hair transplant, Alan?" "No.
" Maybe I should get a wig.
Should I get a wig, Hammersmith? AUDIENCE: No! I'm gonna get a wig.
Fat, goofy, gay, glasseswig.
I may as well get a piano and start an Elton John tribute act.
WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE If I could change anything, it would be me voice.
I hate me voice.
I used to work in a call centre with this voice.
People would say, "Is this a hoax?" "YOU phoned ME" It was awful.
It was Mother's Day and I went into Selfridges to get my mum a present.
You know with this voice.
I went in there, I said, "Hello, I'm looking for a blouse.
" I could see her pressing the button under the desk.
"Trannie, trannie, ahh" I hate the girls who work in those department stores, don't you? The orange girls.
Yeah.
It's natural, it's natural.
Not unless your father fucked a Wotsit.
So rude! You want to slap them cos they're so rude, but they can't feel anything cos of the make-up.
So, what I did was I pulled her hair back and undercut her with a wet wipe.
You could see the skin bubbling with the oxygen.
I hate those girls and those girls hate me.
I went on one of those spray-on tanning booths and the bitch never told me to take my glasses off.
I had to look for a supervisor wearing paper knickers.
It's not funny.
I shouldn't pick on girls, I know you are going through a hard time at the minute.
I read in the paper, those girls are starving themselves to look like these Hollywood stars.
I don't know where they're going out on a Friday night, but it's not round Manchester City centre.
Not unless the girls I see have eaten them.
Every week there seems to be another shocking statistic in the paper.
62% of kids now have underage sex.
Yet last week, 64% were obese.
So, who's fucking these fat kids? "Do it, I'll give you a doughnut.
" Is that what they're saying? I was terrified of sex.
My first sex education lesson, I was nervous.
I went in there, the other kids didn't care.
They were heckling, ad-libbing.
A couple were breast-feeding.
All the girls would go in one room and talk about periods and then Mr Brent would come in and show the boys how to put a condom on, which was really embarrassing waiting for him to go hard.
He had to move schools in the end.
I mean, the teachers, they're embarrassed about sex education as well.
Our teacher would come in with this sex education video and put it in like Every week we'd have to watch a different aspect of sex.
Apart from one week when she taped over it with Taggart.
Just about to come and then a man popped up, "There's been a murrderr!" CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I hope you've had a lovely night.
I've been Alan Carr.
Take care, Hammersmith.
Bye-bye! WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE Alan Carr, ladies and gentlemen.
Alan Carr! Fantastic.
And don't worry if your son has expressed an interest in Alan's DVD for Christmas.
It's going to save you a fortune in the long run on grandchildren.
Ladies and gentlemen, you've been sending in your texts all evening.
Let's have a quick look and see what you've sent.
Hmm.
"Are you related to Alan Carr?" Jamie in the front row.
Yeah, I'm his mum.
"Hello.
Me and my daughter Laura from Dunstable are coming to your show.
" Good, well done.
"It's nearly her birthday, Jimmy, and you're her idol.
"Could you say happy birthday? Thanks.
" I can do better than that.
Bring her backstage, I'll finger her.
She's 18, I checked.
I got a text that just says, "Swindon is wonderful.
" The answer is B, No.
Here's one.
"Happy 18th birthday, Alan, love, Emma and Zac.
" "PS This is your birthday present, we're skint.
Where are Emma and Zac? Hello! So, Emma and Zac, you clubbed together to get free tickets? They don't like you.
"Do have you any grooming tips?" Yes, it's illegal, don't do it.
Here's one.
"Where's Jack Dee?" He's here somewhere, we lost him, he's only little.
Oh, that's from Jack Dee.
One of my favourite things to do with a phone is, if you are in the pub with your friends and someone nips for a pee, what we do is we send a text from their phone to someone in their address book.
It's the best fun ever.
We sent one to my friend Ian's girlfriend when he went for a pee.
We sent her the text, "Don't worry, she'll never find out, xxx.
" Another good one.
This is one to everyone in their address book.
Send all.
We sent the following text.
"I found out your secret, can't talk now, text me.
" We got back 50 texts from people going, "What are you talking about?" One of our mates, Damo, sent back one word.
"How?" This is a good thing to text your mum.
"Am safe, don't worry.
" Then turn off the phone for an hour.
They go mental.
You know when something tragic, something horrible happens in the world and we have a minute's silence? I'm not a fan of the minute's silence.
I don't think we should do that.
It's not a very British thing.
We're not like as a nation.
I think what we should do is ten seconds tutting.
The next time there's a tragedy around the world and people say a minute's silence, let's do ten seconds tutting.
Let's give it a go now.
Ten seconds tutting, starting now.
Throw in the odd sigh.
AUDIENCE: Tsk-tsk.
Ohh.
That sounded rather beautiful.
It was like grasshoppers.
The thing I like about that is if anyone didn't like it, they probably went, "Tsk, ohh.
" My favourite thing I ever did with a mobile phonethere was a guy down the front where you are It was in Liverpool at the end of the gig and he was sorting out where he was going for a drink later.
So I nick the phone off him.
When in Rome I nicked the phone, but I didn't have a plan of what to do with it.
I scrolled through his address book and found his dad.
I double dare anyone here to send this message to their dad.
From this young guy - he was about 18, I sent his dad a message saying, "I am in the bath, thinking of you.
" I put the phone down.
Within about 30 seconds, his dad came back with the rather epic, "You'd better sort your fucking life out, son.
" Ladies and gentlemen, that's all we have time for tonight.
I've been Jimmy Carr, Alan Carr says hi.
Good night, thank you, cheers.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Being here is a dream come true, only this time I've got trousers on, and you're not zombie penguins.
Live at the Apollo If my friends could see me now Well, they could, but should have booked tickets.
This show is for the BBC, who've been accused of misleading viewers.
I can tell you, that is nonsense.
And it's great to be able to tell you that live from Vegas.
If you're watching the repeat, it's great to be back.
They do edit a lot of stuff on TV.
That bit earlier, where I told you how to get out of paying the licence fee They'll probably cut that.
Who Do You Think You Are? That's a great BBC show, isn't it? I'll tell you who I'd love to see on that.
Prince Harry.
What?! I'd just be interested in knowing what his background's like.
I've got a friend whose nickname is Shagger.
You might think that's quite cool, but she doesn't like it.
I've got a friend who has a theory - she reckons the way to drive a man wild with desire is to nibble on his ear lobes for hours and hours.
I think it's bollocks.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE My girlfriend said to me, "Have you been having sex behind my back?" I said, "Who the fucking hell did you think it was?" "Another thing - it wouldn't kill you to look round once in a while, check how I'm doing.
" I'm Jimmy Carr and we have Alan Carr on the show later on.
How about that? CHEERING APPLAUSE I keep on getting mistaken for Alan Carr, so what I've done is, I've stopped sucking men off.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Don't get the wrong idea.
I'm a very gay-friendly act.
I was asked last year to judge Mr Gay UK.
I said, "No problem at all.
"It's against nature and God.
He's going to hell.
" Right, who have we got in the audience this evening? Nicky Hambleton-Jones is in.
Hello.
I've seen your show.
Yours is the one where you get ladies naked and then they cry.
We've all been there.
For me, that's a very successful Friday night out.
Have we got James Morrison? Is James Morrison in the house? Hello, James, how are you? An amazing musician, especially if you find James Blunt a bit rocky.
You Give Me Something is an amazing song.
You Give Me Something is my favourite song ever about chlamydia.
My favourite, I love it.
Dean Macey's here.
Where's Dean Macey? Dean Macey.
You're our hope for Beijing in the decathlon.
I love the decathlon.
It's where you do ten different things, isn't it? A sort of jack of all trades, master of none.
If you don't mind me saying.
The 2012 Olympics is gonna cost £8 billion, which is a lot of money.
It'll probably bankrupt London, but you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.
Incidentally, the highest speed ever achieved on a bicycle was done by a British man.
116mph on a bike.
It was recorded at a level crossing.
£8 billion is a lot of money.
For that kind of money, we could have another three weeks in Iraq.
I don't have a stalker, but I do have a woman that sends me pants in the post.
Thanks, Mum.
People ask me how I relax, so I tell them, I put Smarties tubes onto cats' legs to make them walk like a robot.
If I'm really stressed I make them go down the stairs.
It's adorable.
They look so confused.
I realised some of you will be worried about the cat.
Don't worry about the cat.
If it's hurt, if it breaks its leg, it's already got a splint on.
I should warn you, don't kick off this evening.
I'm middle class, but I'm hard.
Al dente, you might say.
If you got the al dente reference, you're middle class too, well done.
LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING I've got quite a posh voice, though.
Would you agree, Hammersmith? It's quite a posh voice.
But we've all got a phone voice.
Mine's quite breathy.
I quite like those phone sex lines.
I like them cos they're the only place in the world where premature ejaculation is an advantage.
I once came in under 75 pence.
Sorry, I can see you down there, you're a young man, you might not have the money to waste on expensive sex phone lines.
What I would recommend to you is NHS Direct.
It's a free call, they're all wearing nurses outfits and they're bound, by law, to listen to you talking about your swelling.
My friend got his bathroom redone.
He was showing off.
He said, "We've got a walk-in shower.
" I said, "How were you getting into it before?" I went on Ask Jeeves.
I asked Jeeves why Google is so much better.
I used to buy lottery tickets every week, until I realised you can watch it on TV for nothing.
I like to think of bungie jumping as suicide for indecisive people.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions.
The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I don't mind Tony Blair getting paid millions of pounds for his autobiography now he's no longer Prime Minister, cos he's got mouths to feed.
One of which is enormous.
He said in an interview recently that he sometimes makes love to Cherie up to five times a night.
And there's me thinking the decision to go into Iraq was difficult.
When I was at school, I had a friend called Russell.
I say he was a friend - he sat next to me on the first day of school when we were five and continued to hang around for the next 15 years.
Just inviting himself along to everything and kind of being there.
We've all got one of those, haven't we? If you're thinking, "I haven't," it's you.
And I'm not proud of this, but it happened.
We were at a party, we were a little bit drunk.
He was very drunk, he passed out.
Myself and another friend, we shaved off his eyebrows.
He was really surprised.
But you couldn't tell.
I'm on a diet at the moment.
It's really simple - I can eat as much broccoli and cauliflower as I like.
It's brilliant.
I haven't had any so far.
My girlfriend bought a breadmaker.
Has anyone here got a breadmaker? My girlfriend bought a breadmaker, £500.
Great.
We live next door to a 24/7 convenience store Bread is 49p a loaf.
Which, granted, is convenient and cheap.
But we will break even.
In the next four years.
If we double our consumption of bread and we can somehow get the ingredients for free and we don't take into consideration labour costs.
What I'm basically saying in that joke is, "I love you, Caroline, but for fuck's sake!" I was asked this evening not to be patronising or sexist.
I thought, "Fair enough, let's face it, birds can't take it.
" CHEERING AND APPLAUSE BOOING You're not offended, are you? Course not, you're thinking about shoes.
Don't worry, that's post-modern misogony.
That joke was, in fact, steeped in irony.
So, don't you worry your pretty little head about it, love.
I've got a theory as to why women buy so many shoes.
It's cos they spend so much time on their feet walking round the shops buying shoes.
My girlfriend's a deep sleeper.
You can't wake her up.
Which has got its advantages.
She's gonna be thrilled when I tell her she's pregnant.
I've got a friend that didn't believe in sex before marriage.
So I showed him some photos.
I said she can't be married to all four of them! A couple of weeks ago, I failed to perform, sexually.
I'm not going to go into details.
Suffice to say I arrived early.
My girlfriend said, "Don't worry, that happens to a lot of guys.
" I said, "I'll stop you there, couple of things "Firstly, who are these 'a lot of guys'? "Secondly, if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be your fault?" Our reaction as a society to Britney Spears - especially men's reaction to Britney Spears - tells us a lot.
Britney Spears is the kind of woman that men see on television and say, "She has let herself go.
"What is she? A size 12? What a state.
" But if we fucked her, we'd be high fiving strangers on the night bus.
Ladies, if you get a burning sensation when you pee, it could be one of three things.
It could be cystitis, it could be a bush fire, or it could be someone is talking about your VJJ.
I'm telling these jokes.
It sounds like I'm misogynistic, but I'm not.
I'm quite a modern man.
I have no problem buying tampons, but apparently, they're not a proper present.
Happy birthday, Mum.
It says super on the box, I don't know what you want.
If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus? I was raised Catholic.
Any Catholics in? WHOOPING That couldn't be more inappropriate as a response.
Any Catholics in? Way-aye! I was raised Catholic.
The thing that annoyed me about church was the standing up, sitting down and kneeling.
I wished the priest could just pick a position and fuck me.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Are you drinking tonight, ladies and gentlemen? Are you drinking? AUDIENCE: Yeah! I like drinking when you get beyond beer and wine into the crazy drinks you only order when you're drunk.
Things like the flaming sambuca.
No one has ever order one when sober, and the reason is clear.
It's on fire.
It's the equivalent of thinking, "I'm a bit thirsty," spotting a glass of water and thinking, "No, out of the corner of my eye, I have spotted a gas hob "Let's see if that takes the edge of a thirst.
" The only possible reason I can think to order a flaming sambuca when sober is if you are going out with a girl and she is something special.
She's beautiful, she's funny.
She's intelligent.
You think she might be the one.
You've been out on a couple of dates.
You think you're ready to make a commitment.
But she has a problem with facial hair on the top lip.
Now, that can be a very awkward thing to bring up.
I think, much easier, just take her out for a drink.
"Two flaming sambucas, please.
" "I know I'm driving, they're both for you.
" I'm going to bring on an act now who has the same surname as me, ladies and gentlemen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now, the way to tell us apart is I'm the one you didn't meet in the toilets at the park.
I'm joking.
I am going to bring on one of the world's finest working comedians.
Ladies and gentlemen, please go wild and crazy for Alan Carr.
WILD APPLAUSE Oh, hello! How are you? Oh, oh, please.
Lovely.
Thank you.
How are you? All right? AUDIENCE: Yeah! I am a bit worried about that smoke, I think I have a shadow on my lung.
See that smoke? Where there's blame, there's a claim.
I could sue the pants off the BBC, couldn't I? I am a bit against that "Where there is blame, there's a claim" but the advert is funny, innit? When that fat woman falls over, that's funny, innit? In that reception, she doesn't see the puddle, does she? Too busy eating, that's the trouble.
She goes down like a sack of shit, doesn't she? So funny.
Her handbag flies in the air and a pasty comes out.
Lunch! Got on the property ladder this year.
It's hard getting that deposit together to buy your own.
It's hard getting your deposit together, innit? You start having dark thoughts, don't you? You start looking at your mum and dad, thinking, "If only they had an accident" It's hard work looking for it.
I hate looking for houses, I hate my estate agent, Jeannette.
A fat, dumpy little thing like that.
It's like someone has sewn her head onto a beanbag.
She's got one of those ponytails, you know, that girls have with their hair scraped back? It's that tight, her eyes are here.
She looks like a cod.
She puts her sunglasses on, you can still see her eyes.
She showed me round some dumps.
Oh, my God.
She's like, "There's the washing machine.
"That's the settee.
" I said, "Shall we go inside the house now?" Rough? God, it was rough! Even the pigeons were going, "Big Issue, Big Issue.
" Speaking of Big Issue, I'm walking through, this tramp goes "Big Issue?" I said, "No, thank you," he said, "You faggot.
" I said, "Faggot with a home!" They don't build houses any more, they're all self-contained flats.
Jeanette showed me this flat.
Honest to God, no bigger than this.
No bigger than this! It was like a panic room with a kettle.
You could make your dinner, do a shit and answer your door at the same time.
Do you mind? I'm trying to eat pasta, thank you.
My friend Karen said, "It's great living on your own, you can walk around the house in the nude.
" I live opposite a playground.
You fucking can't! I'd be put on a list! Anyone here live on their own like me? AUDIENCE: Yes! I don't mind being single, it's the dodgy dates.
Oh! Have I been on dodgy dates.
How bad can a date be when you spike your own drink with Rohypnol? I can't believe I'm single.
Know what I mean? I am 31, I'm on the telly.
Do you know what I mean? 24-hour binge drinking, you'd think someone would fucking try and slip the tongue in.
People do drink too much, though, don't they? Has anyone been to A&E on a Friday night? Have you seen the state of people there on a Friday night? Oh, my God, I thought someone had bombed Lidl.
I knew something was wrong, cos I was a looker! People were like, "Who's that? Hey, Alan.
" I wasn't there for me, I was there for my flatmate, Monica.
She'd fallen and come down awkwardly on a toilet duck.
It's easily done, thank you.
She didn't want to go to A&E because she's into all of this alternative medicine.
I thought, "I'd like to see crystal and whale music get that out!" Mind you, I drink loads as well.
I don't mind the drinking, it's the waking up with the mingers.
Oh, waking up with the mingers.
In the morning, pulling that sheet back, it's like Silent Witness.
That's him.
And you've got to chat to them.
What do you say to them? You lay there and entertain yourself while I scrub my cock with some wire wool.
I mean, I don't feel safe in my house.
I've got myself one of those intruder alarms, Like a burglar alarm with the sensors.
I didn't know whether to have it on while I'm asleep.
I said to the man who installed it, "Would you have it on while asleep in the house?" He said, "Well, Mr Carr, it's whether you want to wake up with a man standing over you "or you want 15 seconds to jump into action.
" I'm like, "Fucking 15 seconds?" It takes me 20 seconds to find me bleeding glasses! "I know you are in here "I've got a knife!" "Oh, hello.
" Now, my street's pretty grim.
We got this petition round about mindless vandalism.
Had to sign it.
I said, "All vandalism is mindless, innit?" No one goes into a smashed-up phone box and says, "Oh, I see what you've done here.
" "Donna sucks cock.
" What a lovely font.
Is that piss? Mm, hollyhocks.
I mean, they're absolute morons on our street.
I tried to get them to recycle.
Do you have your different bins here in Hammersmith? SILENCE LAUGHTER Anyone seen a bin? No? Not in Hammersmith.
You have your glass, me and Monica put our glass in there, our paper in there, you know.
We put our old clothes in there.
Five minutes later they're smashing the bottle on the street, pushing each other up and down in the bins dressed as me and Monica.
I try to do my bit.
Did you see me on Live Earth at Wembley? WOMAN: Yeah.
The same woman, yeah.
That's nice.
Hammersmith says, "Fuck the planet.
" That's lovely.
I had to do my little speech.
I don't know if you saw the speech.
I had to tell people to turn their thermostats down or Maidstone and Blackpool would disappear into the sea.
Shit(!) But do you know what pisses me off? You know who they're blaming for global warming now? Single people.
Yeah, single people, because we're in our house all on our own using all that energy by ourselves.
Oh, yeah, sorry for being minging.
Sorry.
Maybe you could attach a wind turbine to my wanking arm.
This one's for Africa! And I worry.
My psoriasis has come back.
I get covered in red scabs all over my body.
It makes me feel low and run down.
It affects my self-esteem.
Thanks for laughing, you bitch! I feel low and run down and I went to the doctor to see what he could give me.
It was a bit insensitive, cos he gave me a bell.
WILD LAUGHTER I went for a second opinion, as you would.
He gave me this steroid cream.
Absolutely fabulous.
It's got testosterone in it.
It's brilliant.
You rub a bit in.
DEEP VOICE: It lasts for a few days.
You've got to be careful with this testosterone.
I rubbed too much in, my friends found me at Yates wine lodge, going "I can smell pussy!" Never again.
I don't know if you know, with psoriasis, it's when your skin makes more and more layers.
All over my body, layers and layers.
You want to see downstairs as well.
You could take my foreskin off and use it as a snood.
Anyone here on that network 3? That phone company? What a load of shit.
Oh, my God.
1,000 minutes for £30 a month.
That's good once I get a signal.
Whoo! The Government says now we can use our mobile phones on planes to help combat terrorism.
I'm sorry, with a network 3 phone, even if Al-Qaeda hijacked the plane and drove it into a phone mast, I'll be going, "Can you hear me now? "We've been hijacked!" I'm going to send a picture text.
It's like the supermarkets, you've got pack and scan now.
I used to like flirting with the checkout people.
You can't do it anymore, can you? Arrange the fruit and veg in a seductive manner.
How did that carrot get there? Pack and scan.
You want to come to Manchester and see pack and scan at the supermarket.
Honestly.
It's the acceptable face of shop lifting.
Honestly.
I was behind a woman putting a widescreen telly through as button mushrooms.
£1.
50 Marvellous! Put my name in the Internet the other day.
I wish I'd never bothered.
I'm on a website, 20 Celebrities I'd Like To Punch.
com.
Madonna, J-Lo, Tom Cruise and then me.
I'm the only one who can't afford a fucking body guard.
J-Lo ain't going to get twatted outside Morrisons, is she? No, it'll be me.
Have you seen me fight? I can't fight.
It's a cross between Riverdance and a doggie paddle.
If it can go wrong, anything will.
I just attract bad luck.
How many people do you know can get sexually assaulted on a Jack the Ripper walk? I thought it was part of the experience.
Oh, Jack, your hands are cold.
Now, honestly, if you look like a victim, you get treated like a victim, don't you, sir? Your life's been shit.
No, that's like when I went and got my glasses.
I had the afternoon off school.
He comes in with these glasses, that thick.
That thick.
I said, I can't see the board, not the Pennines.
You can see the future.
You can see the future.
I was telling my nan the lottery numbers.
"5, 48, 9" No, it's horrible when you lose your sight.
It's horrible.
I was on the train the other day.
They've got Braille in the toilets in the train.
Braille.
As if a blind person couldn't smell that was a fucking toilet.
They're hardly going to go, "Buffet car?" They've got a baby-changing unit in braille.
Baby changing unit! Blind person, changing a baby on a train in a toilet, what could possibly go wrong? Let's make it interesting, pop some roller skates on.
My dad's still not pleased I'm doing this job.
Oh, he's not happy.
My parents, they're pushy parents, but they're not as pushy as those parents you get on Britain's Got Talent or Stars In Your Eyes Kids.
Those parents are too pushy, aren't they? You know when the door opens and the smoke clears, you can see the parent's foot "Get on that fucking stage!" The little kid's trembling, going, "Who the hell's Patsy?" # Crazy # The worst thing for me was being picked for the team.
That was awful.
D'you remember standing in line waiting to get picked? Like ethnic cleansing, weren't it? All the fit and healthy people at one end.
Me and the fat kids And those kids were fat.
One girl had to be cut out of a hula hoop.
The bullies, they nicked me kit.
Nicked me kit! I had to go to lost property box.
Do you remember the smell from lost property box? Those clothes weren't lost.
No one loses the clothes in that box.
Those were clothes that Africa had sent back.
Getting their own back for harvest festival.
That's what they were doing.
Remember we had to send food over to Africa? What did my mum send? Pineapples chunks and peach slices.
They grow them over there! Have them back in a tin.
In syrup.
All from the back of the cupboard, all these mouldy peaches and pineapple chunks.
Then you'd hear on the news - 1,000 dead in the Gambia.
You'd think, "Oh "They've had a trifle.
" The worst thing I got out of lost property box was a pair of Speedos.
Egg, how do you get egg on Speedos? What have you swam in? Egg! I used to take my glasses off and imagine the stains were swimming badges.
The egg would come off and overtake.
I'd be, "Get back there.
" It's a wonder any of us learned to swim.
Do you remember those council-run swimming baths they used to take you to? All those chemicals.
If you did more than two lengths, you'd change sex.
"Do you want a float, Alan?" "It's all right, I've got these breasts.
" Lads taking their dicks home in verucca socks.
I don't think I could go back to school.
I think kids are too tough.
They are, aren't they? They're all out of control.
It's since we have been giving them stupid names.
When they were called James, Bob, Tomnot a peep out of them.
Now they are called Always and Aubergine and Aura They want to stab you in the face.
But the kids' names, they're not even like Roman gods or Greek emperors.
Do you know what I mean? They're off the wall.
I was served by a girl in Boots called MmmDanone.
Now, in school they're getting bullied on the Internet and all that.
People bully by text.
And people know what my act's like.
They said, "What advice would you give to someone who is being bullied by text?" All I can say is, just get yourself a network 3 mobile phone.
Cos by the time you get the text, you'll have graduated, have kids yourself.
"Your mum smells of piss.
" So she should, she's 87.
Do you know what I hate with texting? Do you agree with me, Hammersmith? LOL at the end.
Laugh Out Loud.
WOMAN SHOUTS AGREEMEN I'm with you, love.
Got one the other week.
"I had to go to the shop to get some toilet paper, LOL.
" Did you really LOL? Did you really? Did you really go, "I have to go to the shop, ha, ha!" And have you tried flirting with text? I can't work it out.
I got a text the other night.
"Thanks for a lovely night, speak soon.
" There was no kiss It was all in lower case.
So I played it cool.
Texted back, "I love you, don't make me cut myself" ".
.
LOL.
" Ha, ha, ha! I mean, I know I didn't get my sporty gene off my dad.
But I got other things from my dad.
I got his baldness gene.
I don't know if you've seen, my hair's going.
It's grim.
I don't mind going bald, but I can't go to the trendy hairdressers anymore, know what I mean? Gotta go to the old men ones, down the back streets, know what I mean? No one will dare model for them, they stick black and white photos of sex offenders in the window.
That old man ruined my hair.
I could have cried.
Then he gets the mirror out, I am like, "Thanks, yeah.
" "The back's just as shit as the front.
" "Complete mess, thanks to you.
" "Something for the weekend? I'd struggle to get a wank looking like this.
" I am looking at other ways I've seen in the back of the sports pages now.
Have you seen those Regrow injections in your hair.
Have you seen the photos? Your hair grows back, dunnit? Into the shape of a wig.
No one knows it's a wig unless they've got eyes.
There's that new one coming over from California, where someone donates that strip of hair there and they sew it into your fringe.
I quite like that idea.
Knowing my luck, I'll get someone with a pony tail and a scrunchie.
Hanging there like a gay unicorn.
"Got a hair transplant, Alan?" "No.
" Maybe I should get a wig.
Should I get a wig, Hammersmith? AUDIENCE: No! I'm gonna get a wig.
Fat, goofy, gay, glasseswig.
I may as well get a piano and start an Elton John tribute act.
WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE If I could change anything, it would be me voice.
I hate me voice.
I used to work in a call centre with this voice.
People would say, "Is this a hoax?" "YOU phoned ME" It was awful.
It was Mother's Day and I went into Selfridges to get my mum a present.
You know with this voice.
I went in there, I said, "Hello, I'm looking for a blouse.
" I could see her pressing the button under the desk.
"Trannie, trannie, ahh" I hate the girls who work in those department stores, don't you? The orange girls.
Yeah.
It's natural, it's natural.
Not unless your father fucked a Wotsit.
So rude! You want to slap them cos they're so rude, but they can't feel anything cos of the make-up.
So, what I did was I pulled her hair back and undercut her with a wet wipe.
You could see the skin bubbling with the oxygen.
I hate those girls and those girls hate me.
I went on one of those spray-on tanning booths and the bitch never told me to take my glasses off.
I had to look for a supervisor wearing paper knickers.
It's not funny.
I shouldn't pick on girls, I know you are going through a hard time at the minute.
I read in the paper, those girls are starving themselves to look like these Hollywood stars.
I don't know where they're going out on a Friday night, but it's not round Manchester City centre.
Not unless the girls I see have eaten them.
Every week there seems to be another shocking statistic in the paper.
62% of kids now have underage sex.
Yet last week, 64% were obese.
So, who's fucking these fat kids? "Do it, I'll give you a doughnut.
" Is that what they're saying? I was terrified of sex.
My first sex education lesson, I was nervous.
I went in there, the other kids didn't care.
They were heckling, ad-libbing.
A couple were breast-feeding.
All the girls would go in one room and talk about periods and then Mr Brent would come in and show the boys how to put a condom on, which was really embarrassing waiting for him to go hard.
He had to move schools in the end.
I mean, the teachers, they're embarrassed about sex education as well.
Our teacher would come in with this sex education video and put it in like Every week we'd have to watch a different aspect of sex.
Apart from one week when she taped over it with Taggart.
Just about to come and then a man popped up, "There's been a murrderr!" CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I hope you've had a lovely night.
I've been Alan Carr.
Take care, Hammersmith.
Bye-bye! WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE Alan Carr, ladies and gentlemen.
Alan Carr! Fantastic.
And don't worry if your son has expressed an interest in Alan's DVD for Christmas.
It's going to save you a fortune in the long run on grandchildren.
Ladies and gentlemen, you've been sending in your texts all evening.
Let's have a quick look and see what you've sent.
Hmm.
"Are you related to Alan Carr?" Jamie in the front row.
Yeah, I'm his mum.
"Hello.
Me and my daughter Laura from Dunstable are coming to your show.
" Good, well done.
"It's nearly her birthday, Jimmy, and you're her idol.
"Could you say happy birthday? Thanks.
" I can do better than that.
Bring her backstage, I'll finger her.
She's 18, I checked.
I got a text that just says, "Swindon is wonderful.
" The answer is B, No.
Here's one.
"Happy 18th birthday, Alan, love, Emma and Zac.
" "PS This is your birthday present, we're skint.
Where are Emma and Zac? Hello! So, Emma and Zac, you clubbed together to get free tickets? They don't like you.
"Do have you any grooming tips?" Yes, it's illegal, don't do it.
Here's one.
"Where's Jack Dee?" He's here somewhere, we lost him, he's only little.
Oh, that's from Jack Dee.
One of my favourite things to do with a phone is, if you are in the pub with your friends and someone nips for a pee, what we do is we send a text from their phone to someone in their address book.
It's the best fun ever.
We sent one to my friend Ian's girlfriend when he went for a pee.
We sent her the text, "Don't worry, she'll never find out, xxx.
" Another good one.
This is one to everyone in their address book.
Send all.
We sent the following text.
"I found out your secret, can't talk now, text me.
" We got back 50 texts from people going, "What are you talking about?" One of our mates, Damo, sent back one word.
"How?" This is a good thing to text your mum.
"Am safe, don't worry.
" Then turn off the phone for an hour.
They go mental.
You know when something tragic, something horrible happens in the world and we have a minute's silence? I'm not a fan of the minute's silence.
I don't think we should do that.
It's not a very British thing.
We're not like as a nation.
I think what we should do is ten seconds tutting.
The next time there's a tragedy around the world and people say a minute's silence, let's do ten seconds tutting.
Let's give it a go now.
Ten seconds tutting, starting now.
Throw in the odd sigh.
AUDIENCE: Tsk-tsk.
Ohh.
That sounded rather beautiful.
It was like grasshoppers.
The thing I like about that is if anyone didn't like it, they probably went, "Tsk, ohh.
" My favourite thing I ever did with a mobile phonethere was a guy down the front where you are It was in Liverpool at the end of the gig and he was sorting out where he was going for a drink later.
So I nick the phone off him.
When in Rome I nicked the phone, but I didn't have a plan of what to do with it.
I scrolled through his address book and found his dad.
I double dare anyone here to send this message to their dad.
From this young guy - he was about 18, I sent his dad a message saying, "I am in the bath, thinking of you.
" I put the phone down.
Within about 30 seconds, his dad came back with the rather epic, "You'd better sort your fucking life out, son.
" Ladies and gentlemen, that's all we have time for tonight.
I've been Jimmy Carr, Alan Carr says hi.
Good night, thank you, cheers.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE