Lopez vs. Lopez (2022) s03e02 Episode Script

1
[EERIE MUSIC]
[GRUNTING]
Me Frankenstein.
This Churro from "The Black Lagoon."
Now that you're engaged,
it's good to see you going
as Bride of Frankenstein
instead of Unmarried Domestic
Partner of Frankenstein.
Spoken by somebody
who's taking a lot of liberties
with their mummy costume.
[HOWLS]
Just to be clear, that
wasn't for you. I'm over you.
Welcome to your first
sober Halloween, George.
You know you're supposed
to wear a costume, right?
All right, time to go trick-or-treating.
Where's our little Dracula?
I don't want to be Dracula.
I'm a gift this year,
because I'm a gift to this world.
But we always do a family costume.
Remember last year,
when we were Pokémon?
You were Pikachu, I was Charizard,
your nana was sexy Squirtle.
And your grandpa was Poke-A-Man
because neighbors would walk up
to his passed-out body
on the lawn and ask,
are you OK, sir?
Why must you make me
out to be such a monster?
I'm nine.
I don't want to do a
family costume anymore.
My body, my choice.
Wow, Chance is growing to be a strong,
independent young man.
We need to shut this down.
It's no big deal. It's just
one night for Halloween.
It always starts as just one night,
and then one night turns into every day,
and eventually, you
forget what it feels like
to hold your child's hand.
You're hurting me.
Chance is always gonna want
to spend time with his family.
[INHALES SHAKILY] Right?
Of course. And we still
got Día de los Muertos,
which he loves.
And there's nothing
wrong with giving Chance
a little freedom to explore.
Especially since you always
kept me on such a short leash.
It was four feet.
And I kept up with
you to give you slack.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
♪
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- Yeah.
- Trick or treat!
- [MAYAN SHRIEKS]
[LAUGHTER]
Dad, you know I hate spiders!
That's why I did it. Duh.
OK, Halloween is over.
We're moving on to Day of the Dead now.
And Chance, having
had a taste of freedom,
stayed up to decorate with his family.
No, I stayed up because I'm
hopped up on so much candy,
I haven't blinked in two hours.
Why are we doing this again?
So these offerings, or ofrendas,
they invite our
relatives back to visit us
after they've crossed to the other side.
That's right, Gordo.
We spend time with our family forever.
Día de los Muertos is a
rich spiritual tradition
our culture has been doing
for thousands of years.
Ah, loca! Thousand years?
Mayan, you just started doing
it after you watched "Coco."
It changed me forever, OK?
And our ancestors deserve to be honored,
like our Tío Pablo, who
bravely crossed the Rio Grande
to start a new life in America.
Bravely?
They rolled him up in a carpet!
Tío Pablo was a corrupt politician.
He might be the only Mexican in history
to get deported from Mexico.
And why did you put a pen
up there for my Tía Angela?
S-she was a famous writer.
Yeah, of bad checks.
These ghosts sound sus.
These are all terrible people.
And there's the queen
of all the degenerates,
my Grandma Dolores.
Oh, here we go.
Her offering, or ofrenda,
should be the chancla she hit me with,
the broom she hit me with,
and the El Camino she hit me with!
Attempted murder aside
she's still your
grandmother who raised you.
Yeah, George.
According to "Coco"
this holiday is meant to honor
the nice things these people did.
Oh, loco "Coco."
No Mexicans ever
remember the nice things.
They only remember the things
they made fun of you for.
You should be careful what
you say about your ancestors.
They could be listening.
Ooh, I'm scared.
[GUITAR FLOURISH]
Ow!
How's it possible that I'm dead
and I still look better than you?
Grandma Dolores, what
are you doing here?
Did you and the devil
agree to see other people?
I am here because I am on your altar
- [GEORGE GROANS]
- Of El Día de los Muertos.
You summoned me. You summoned all of us.
All of us?
- [MUSICAL FLOURISH]
- Oh, man!
For the record, I didn't get deported.
I was extradited. There's a difference.
And I didn't just write bad checks.
I was also a great lover.
And you you are calling
us criminals, huh?
You who stole that bucket of candy
from the neighbor's porch.
The sign said "Take one."
It didn't say one candy
or one bucket of candy.
Dios mío.
I don't have to explain to you.
You're not gonna be the
ones who remember me.
My family will.
They're going to remember
75 years of bad behavior.
Mm-hmm.
I'm 62.
Wow.
That shock almost
brought me back to life.
ALL: Mm.
Well, face it. You're just like us.
And your family's only
gonna remember the bad stuff,
like the drinking and the lying
and that hideous wig.
This isn't a wig.
That's exactly what someone
who wears a wig would say.
[LAUGHTER]
♪
I'm here.
And I bought a gift for Chance.
Is that a Petco bag?
You are not putting a leash on him.
Besides, he's at a friend's house.
Oh, spending time with other people,
not his family.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, fam bam.
Um
apropony of nothing,
when I kick the bucket, what
ofrendas do you think you might
put up there to remember me by?
Oh, I don't know, Dad.
I don't like to think
about you being gone.
I got this. [CHUCKLES]
A bottle of Dollar Store tequila
because you were a
drunk and you were cheap.
[LAUGHTER]
And to represent who
you were at your core,
a pack of expired hot dogs.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Guys, come on.
What we really should
put up there is a chip.
Thank you, my loving daughter.
My sobriety chip from AA
to honor how brave I'd been?
I meant a casino chip to
honor how broke you've been.
[LAUGHTER]
- [MUSICAL FLOURISH]
- Told ya.
It's too late, Georgie.
Your family thinks you're trash.
Well, I still have time
to change their minds.
Oh.
I'm gonna be the most helpful,
the kindest George this
family has ever seen
because I'm still alive, and
you, my little dust mite, are not.
[GUITAR PLAYING]
♪
- [DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING]
- Don't forget to floss!
Dad, what are you doing?
I'm anticipating your needs.
And killing you.
With kindness.
[GROWLS] Remember this.
♪
- [DRAMATIC MUSICAL STINGS]
- Looking for this?
Jeez, Louise, George.
Where did you come from?
Never you mind.
The important thing to
remember is there is no escaping
my helpful hand.
[GROWLS] Remember this.
♪
- [DRAMATIC MUSICAL STINGS]
- Need me to cut something?
[ROSIE SCREAMS]
Oh, my eyes! It's George!
It's George!
Why do you have those giant shears?
[COUGHS] I was tending to your garden!
[COUGHING]
[HOARSELY] Remember this.
[GRUNTS]
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
It's Día de los Muertos!
And I'm drop-dead gorgeous.
Well, I'm late, thanks to your
father, Eduardo Scissorhands.
Did he try to kill you, too?
Yeah, ever since that altar went up,
Dad's been acting strange.
I think he's trying to be
nice, but it's very unsettling.
Ooh, ready to put on your
sugar skull makeup, Gordo?
Mm
no.
I'm gonna skip it this year.
Día de los Muertos is
just too mainstream now.
When this guy starts doing
it, you know it's cooked.
He's not wrong.
I can't believe Chance
is ditching us again.
Didn't someone warn us
this would be a problem?
Oh, that's right. It was me.
Maybe your mom is right.
He's pulling away from us.
I still have the leash.
Quinten, grab a treat.
I have a better idea.
Chance, can you come
back here for a sec?
I've been thinking about you
not wanting to join us for Día,
and I get it.
You're practically a grown-up now.
I am?
I mean
[DEEP VOICE] I am.
And grown-ups don't want
to live with their parents.
I'm sure you started looking
for your own place, right?
[NORMALLY] I've been browsing Redfin.
Oh. No rush.
But for now, you can sleep
in a tent in the backyard.
That's what a grown man would do.
Thanks, Mommy. I mean
[DEEP VOICE] Thanks, Mayan.
Yeah.
Why are you pushing him further away?
You know we don't sleep outdoors
unless it's Black Friday.
Relax. We've got a security
cam to keep an eye on him,
and I'm not pushing him away.
Tonight, we're gonna scare him
back into spending time with us
because if he's not going
to do it out of love,
he'll do it out of fear.
You didn't ask me how I feel about this.
I'm sorry. How do you feel?
I love it.
Anything to get my little boy back.
This is insane.
What kind of sick parents
scare their own child?
[INTENSE DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
Here's Georgie!
[ALL SCREAM]
To finally replace the door
you've been after me to fix!
Remember this!
[LIGHT GUITAR MUSIC]
Remember, Churro, we're adults now,
so your half of the rent's due Friday.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
We're gonna get him so good.
One big scare, and bam,
our baby's gonna be sleeping
in our bed for a week.
Do you think this is
gonna scar him for life?
Not life.
Just until we do something worse to him.
[MAYAN MOANS LIKE A GHOST]
What was that?
Gah! That was me!
Oh, thank heavens.
Hello? Who's out there?
[BOTH MOANING LIKE GHOSTS]
I have a very big dog in here!
[BOTH MOANING LIKE GHOSTS]
Boo! I'm a ghost!
Chance?
Wait, where did he go?
I don't know.
[MYSTERIOUS SNARL]
- What is that?
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC]
- It's a big ugly spider!
- [BOTH SCREAMING]
It's got me! It's got me!
Go!
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Get it off me!
♪
Oh, it's just Churro.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, man, we got you so good.
What kind of sick parent
scares their own child?
Oh.
Nana and I spent all afternoon
making Churro's costume.
- It was awesome.
- Mm-hmm.
I told you it was important
not to let Chance pull
away from his family,
and then I realized children
pull away from their parents,
not their grandparents.
We're good.
What about us?
Well, you'll have grandkids one day.
We'll see.
I like my freedom.
[DRILL WHIRRING]
- [HARP FLOURISH]
- Come on!
Why can't you guys
stay in the pet cemetery
where we buried you?
What's wrong?
Oh, did you get a flat tire
on your road to redemption?
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, I was being helpful.
And all they did was
scream and pepper-spray me.
Accept it, hombre. You're one of us.
No. I've been working so hard to change.
I mean, I'm a 62-year-old
sober Mexican man in therapy.
Last week,
I ate the celery that
came with my chicken wings.
What else do you people want from me?
Therapy?
[LAUGHS] Only crazy
people go to therapy.
[LAUGHS] Am I right?
You didn't tell us he was in therapy.
That's a big step.
And you burn calories eating celery.
That's heart-smart.
Mm.
Thank you, ghost family.
All right, everybody.
Stop doing that,
because he's gonna start
believing that he's better than us.
He is better than us.
He's better than you, too, Dolores.
Damn.
They might be from down
there, but they know what's up.
[CHUCKLES]
They don't know squat.
They know that I'm a good person.
Why can't you just admit it?
- Come on, Dolores.
- Admit it!
- Come on!
- [OVERLAPPING SHOUTING]
- Just say it!
- He's been working hard.
- Come on.
- Give him some credit.
OK!
You're right! It's true!
You're better than me!
[CLICKS TONGUE]
How dare you sonsos try
to make me into a sonza?
You
- [TENSE MUSIC]
- Can
go
to
hell!
Ha!
That last one was
was you. [CHUCKLES]
Uh-oh.
[DREAMY SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
[PEACEFUL MUSIC]
Your serve, Manson.
Not you again. [GROANS]
Is this damn holiday
ever going to be over?
They play pickleball in hell?
Where do you think they invented it?
I just need to understand one thing.
Why are you not happy for me
that I'm trying to
become a better person?
It's not that.
If I'm being honest, I'm very
[PRONOUNCING STRANGELY] Proud
of you.
What was that?
Uh, uh
I'm prou
prou
pair oh.
I'm proud of you!
I heard you the first time.
Oh. [SPUTTERS]
Now, why wouldn't you just tell me that
instead of making me think
that I'm a terrible person?
It's just that you
can change your story,
but it's too late for me.
Look, I know I wasn't
the nicest grandma.
But I just wish that
you had one good story to tell about me.
Whoa! What the hell?
[LAUGHTER]
We got you, Dad.
Oh, it's so obviously
a dog, George. [LAUGHS]
Sorry we ran away from you screaming.
I don't ever want to make you feel like
we're pushing you away.
I get the pushing away thing.
I did that a lot to my Grandma Dolores
when I was growing up.
She kind of deserved it, didn't she?
Well, I mean, I said a lot
of bad things about her,
but it's also good to
remember the good stuff, too.
Like what?
When I was in seventh grade,
I was getting bullied a lot.
And I didn't want to
go to school anymore.
And my Grandma Dolores
came into my room,
- and she
- Oh, comforted you?
No. She made fun of me.
Because she said to me,
what are the kids gonna say about you?
That your head is so big
that I could use a trash
bag as a shower cap?
Or that I had lice
in my hair for so long
that the bugs started to
collect Social Security?
She just kept going on and on
and on until I started crying.
When does the nice story start?
I'm not finished!
Then when I finally went back to school,
none of the bullies could get to me
because they had nothing
on my Grandma Dolores.
And maybe she didn't
have a lot to give me
but she gave me a tough skin.
And for that, I'll always be grateful.
That was a nice story, Dad.
How'd I do, Grandma?
I remember that day.
You cried like such a little bitch.
See you next year, Grandma.
[LIGHT GUITAR MUSIC]
♪
Mom and Dad thought they could scare me.
But I'm a man, so
nothing scares me anymore.
That's good to know. I'm
glad you enjoyed family time,
because you and I are gonna be
spending a lot of it together
when I'm really old.
But you're already really old.
Really, really, really old.
You're gonna be my caretaker.
And you're gonna have to clean my ears.
Trim my nails.
Carry me to the bathroom.
You know what chafing is?
Well, you will.
There'll be plenty of it, buddy.
[CHUCKLES] [SNIFFING] Smell that?
That's me.
Ew!
And it's only gonna get worse.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [SCREAMS] Mommy, Daddy, I'm scared!
Can I sleep with you?
Thanks, Dad!
Happy to help!
[GROWLS] Remember this.
♪