Louie s03e02 Episode Script

Knock, knock.
Who's there? Lilly, knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Lilly, knock, knock! Could you answer the door, please? I don't want to.
Well, then you have to say "not home.
" Knock, knock.
Not home.
Daddy, knock, knock.
No, no, no.
You didn't want me a minute ago, so I don't think so.
But, please, Daddy, please.
I want you now, please.
Daddy.
Please? Knock, knock.
Who's there? Moo.
Moo who? I didn't know you were crying.
Cow.
That's ridiculous.
I have one.
Okay.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? Who.
Who who? Hi, owl.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? Painter.
Painter who? Painter who? The painter who painted both of you as mermaids, but instead of being underwater, it's pee-pee.
What does that even mean? I don't-- I don't know, man.
Daddy, you tell one.
Okay.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? I don't get it.
Okay, Daddy.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? Chicken.
Chicken who? I just don't get it.
If you don't get it, you just don't get it.
But that's not fair.
That's okay, baby.
Tell another one.
I want to tell a joke.
Not a knock-knock one.
Like a riddle.
Okay, go ahead.
I have kids, and after you have kids, you reserve your wishes for your kids.
My kids, I love my kids.
My daughter told me a joke the other day, and she tells great jokes.
They're not-- They're not like anybody else's jokes, that's why I like them.
I've been doing comedy for 25 years.
I know every joke.
Even if I haven't heard it.
You start telling me a joke, I know how it's gonna work.
But her jokes, I have no idea what's gonna happen.
I have no idea.
This is the joke she told me the other day, she said, "Who didn't let the gorilla into the ballet?" Who didn't let the gorilla into the ballet? Already, I love this joke.
I love this joke.
I have not heard this joke.
This is a new joke for me, who didn't let the gorilla into the ballet? And I said, "Who?" And she said, "Just the people who are in charge of that decision.
" Just the folks who make that assessment.
They-- Their judgment was that it was-- wasn't a good idea to let 'em in.
I love this joke because I picture it.
I-- A whole story's in my head of people going into a ballet theatre and the gorilla's just trying to text and not make eye contact, just kinda-- Just trying to go in, it's cool.
And somebody's-- "Hey, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no-- you, no, no.
" "What?" "Yeah, you.
" "Yes, the gorilla, I'm talking to the gorilla.
" "Why not, man?" "'Cause you're a gorilla, I don't even have to say anything.
" "Don't I get any credit for talking "and wanting to go to a ballet? Doesn't that buy me any credibility?" "No, man, it's a long show.
"It's three hours.
"You're not gonna-- I'm telling you, you're not gonna make it.
"You're okay now, but halfway through, "you're gonna start pounding on people.
"That's just the way you guys are, man, I ain't-- I ain't gonna get burned like that again.
" A gorilla kills everybody at the ballet once, shame on the gorilla.
When you have children-- Like, I was talking to my daughter the other day, and I was talking to her like this.
I was bent over and I was talking like this.
I have no idea what I was talking about.
I think I even forgot while I was saying it.
I just was upset and I was talking to her like this.
And she's looking up at me with this face, like, coping, like looking at me like-- And I realized, I'm her first asshole.
Like, I'm the first one.
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie Louie, Louie you're gonna cry Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie Louie, Louie you're gonna die Louie, Louie, Louie Louie My wife and I are very blessed.
We have no children.
We're not gonna have children.
Refugee kids-- too bad, I'll write you a check, but you're not coming to my house.
No kids.
And people are very cruel when they meet couples without children.
They go, "Oh, you don't have children? What happened?" What happened-- I pulled out, I shot on the sheets, that's what happened.
Married, buddy? ( man ) Nope.
Nope! That's good.
See that? Energy.
How old are you? That guy has a young, nervous penis.
No, when you're 24 and single, your penis is like the nervous guy in the World War II movies in the foxhole.
Any sound your penis hears-- What was that? Let's go, let's go, let's move! I'm married in my 50s.
My penis is relaxed.
My penis is sitting in a chair, smoking a pipe, reading the paper.
My penis is like Bing Crosby.
Yes, I heard a noise.
Could be a hand, could be a vagina.
Buh-buh, buh-buh-buh.
You've been very nice, thank you very much! Thank you! Allan Havey! Allan Havey in the house.
Did you hear about Dominic Peretti? Who? That comic from Connecticut.
The guitar guy? With the guitar? No.
The guy that did the arms thing? Gets a chick onstage, put her arms through his.
Oh, a million guys do that bit.
You don't remember Dominic Peretti? Did he have an Asian wife? I don't know.
Anyway, he died.
Really? Yeah.
That's too bad.
Hey, you want to come over next week for dinner? To your house? Yeah, Debbie'll cook something.
I don't think your wife likes me, man.
No, she likes you.
I don't think so.
It was her idea.
She wanted me to ask you.
She did? She said to invite you over.
So come over, have dinner.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
( knocking ) Hey.
Hi.
( Allan ) How you doing, son? What's going on, how are you? Hi, sweetie.
Hi, Debbie, thanks for having me.
Oh, totally.
Lori.
Hi, Debbie.
Hey.
Lori, how you doing? Come on in.
Louie, this is Lori.
Lori, this is Louie.
Hi, nice to meet you.
Hi.
Weird.
Why? We were just both at the liquor store.
Oh.
Well, let me get you a drink.
I'll come with.
Sorry.
Allan.
She wanted to set you up.
I knew you wouldn't come.
No, I wouldn't have, man.
Look, just so you know, this Lori, she didn't know, either.
This is stupid, though.
This kind of shit never works.
It's a good dinner, we'll eat.
You don't have to talk to her if you don't want to.
We'll go out to a bar.
We'll leave them, I don't care.
Hey, where's the vodka? You drank it.
Oh yeah.
I got you here.
That's all I promised her.
So Louie's a comedian just like Allan.
Yeah? Yes, I'm a comedian.
Louie.
Why don't you ask Lori what she does? What do you do, Lori? I have a landscaping company.
I own six trucks.
We cover Northern Jersey and Nyack.
In the summer, I got two clam shacks in Sag Harbor.
Wow.
So you like own your own business? Yeah.
That's what I just told you.
( Debbie ) Lori.
( Debbie ) Why did you say not a word during dinner? ( Allan ) Oh, you want me to talk now? Yeah, I do want you to talk now.
That's bullshit.
No, it's not bullshit.
I was in there all by myself.
No you weren't, I was there.
Oh yeah, what did you say? I'm going out for a smoke.
You want to join me? Oh, I don't smoke anymore, but I'll keep you company.
Whatever.
Married people.
They just want to spread their shit on everybody.
I know.
I don't want a husband.
Last thing I need's another mouth to feed.
Want to get out of here? Get a drink? Yeah.
Yes.
Come on, I'll drive you.
Okay.
Oh yeah.
You're not even menstruating.
How do you know? Well, I just-- Sorry to assume.
You haven't met every guy.
Sorry to assume.
No, but it is.
Like, you don't believe anything good ever happens.
Yep.
Yep.
And then what makes you-- You know, and then what happens? It's not that something good happens.
It's just that-- No, something good happens and you feel better and you forget that you feel better 'cause it was something-- When does that-- When does that happen? Mostly, it's really shitty.
I think-- Isn't it like, 90% of the time, isn't it shitty? Pretty much.
Why are you so much fun? Will you marry me? No! Woo-hoo! You're a pisser.
You're a pisser, too.
You are seriously a pisser.
Whoopsie-daisy.
And a dribbler.
This is the most fun I've had in a long time.
I know, me too.
The best part about it is I never have to see your ( blank ) face again.
I know! What are you-- Hey, what are you doing? I'm gonna put out.
Let me blow you.
Seriously? No, it's a hidden- camera show.
Come on, get that thing out.
Okay.
All right.
Good? Yeah, that was-- That was very good.
Nice.
Okay.
Let's get some payback.
What? Strap on the feedbag.
Oh.
Yeah.
Um Well, I don't really want to do that.
What? I don't-- I just don't want to-- I don't want to do it.
Jesus.
Don't tell me you're one of those guys that doesn't eat pussy.
No, I do.
I do, I just-- Just not with me? Yeah, no, not now.
What do you mean not now? Well, that's very-- That's very intimate.
I don't really know you.
Intimate? Me sucking your dick's not intimate? Well, no, apparently not.
I mean, it didn't-- It doesn't seem like a big deal for you, but for me, it would be, to do that, to you.
You gotta be shitting me.
I did you, you're not doing me, that's not fair.
Well, no, it's just-- We just have different values about that.
This isn't about values.
I just sucked your dick, you can eat my pussy.
I'm not gonna do it, I'm sorry, it's just too soon.
Are you saying I'm a whore? No! Not by how you feel.
That's what you did, I just-- I'm just saying that if I had done what you did, I-- I would feel like a whore.
You shouldn't have said that.
Listen.
Would you really want me to do that to you if I didn't want to do it? I don't give a shit, I just want to get off.
You know how many dicks I sucked I didn't want to suck, 'cause I'm a good kid? 'Cause I do what's right? I never left anyone hanging.
How dare you.
Listen, if this is-- If-- if you blowing me hinged on my doing that to you, then you just should have said something first.
Your sperms are dying inside my mouth right now, goddammit.
Louie the gentleman.
What is wrong with this country? Just this is-- That's how I feel, it's-- Obama.
I say, this is balls.
I'm gonna say it, this is freaking balls on you.
I'll tell you what, though.
Wanna make a bet? What? I bet you 200 bucks in about three minutes, you're gonna be licking my asshole and my pussy.
What? I'm serious.
You're gonna be.
You're gonna be licking up my asshole, my pussy, all back and forth.
You're gonna be doing that.
No, I think you're mistaken.
I don't think it's-- That's not gonna happen.
Make it 1,000.
You wanna know why you won't do it? Why? I told you why.
Oh yeah.
And you're real smart and make good points.
But I think we both know what's going on here.
What? Faggot.
Are you serious? I'm not gay.
Yeah, you're gay.
That's not gonna work.
That's stupid.
I'm not gay, you know I'm not gay.
You're gay, mm-hmm.
I think you get girls to blow you and you shut your eyes and think about men.
And then when it's your turn, lo and behold, you're disgusted by the female vagina because you're gay.
That's not-- That's so stupid, I'm not gay.
Yeah, you get some tough girl who chain smokes to blow you in her truck, and then you go home and jerk yourself off thinking about dick.
Oh, Jesus! Come on, come on! Fucking-- Come on! Lick it, lick it! Lick it! Lick it, I'll break your finger! Okay, okay.
Oh.
Goddammit, you are crazy.
You owe me a thousand bucks.
Well, I don't have it on me.
That's okay, you can pay me next time.
You want to go out again, right? Yeah, sure.
Okay.
Who told the gorilla that he couldn't go to the ballet performance? What? What? Who told the gorilla that he couldn't go to the ballet performance? I don't know, who? Well just whoever was in charge.
The people in charge decided not to put a gorilla in, in case there was problems.
That's really funny, Jane.
It's a good joke.
Thanks.
Yeah, that's really good.
It's really good.
You guys done eating? I'm done.
Okay, go do your homework.
Thank you for making the nice food, Daddy.
Thank you so much.
Oh, you're welcome.
Oh, no problem.
Yeah, Daddy, it's really nice how you make food for us all the time and clean up afterwards.
Well, jeez, girls.
Your appreciation really makes it all worth it, you know.