Mandy (2019) s03e02 Episode Script

1
This programme contains
some strong language
# Oh, Mandy, well, you came and you
gave without taking
# But I sent you away
# Oh, Mandy
# Well, you kissed me and stopped me
from shaking
# And I need you today
Oh, Mandy. #
Come on! Let's hear the rentable
value.
[DOORBELL]
Fuck me!
Who's not watching
Homes Under The Hammer at this hour?
Mandy Carter?
- Who are you?
- I'm from a credit recovery agency.
- A who?
- I'm a bailiff.
Right. No, I'mI'm not Mandy
Carter.
She left about a week ago.
I'mCandy Marter.
No relation.
I see.
I'm empowered by law to recover
goods to the value of £2,648 and 68p.
Did you get our letters?
- Letters. No.
I haven't had any letters.
This won't take long.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
[HE SLURPS]
Oh, fucking hell!
Ooh! Fuck!
Mandy Carter!
Don't normally see you in here of your
own volition.
To what do I owe the pleasure
of your company?
I need you to find me a job.
Well, this is the keenest I've ever
seen you to find employment, Mandy.
The last time we had a benefits
assessment,
you told me you had "wrong Covid".
They've taken my telly!
Now I'll never know the rentable value
of a two-bedroom basement flat in
Bolton.
I need to make some money fast to get
it back.
- Let's see. Have you got any A-levels?
- No.
Maths GCSE?
English GSCE?
There's not much for people without
any qualifications.
Oh, come on! There must be
something!
I'm not expecting to be Head of EMI!
Just something where I can make a few
quid quick.
Well, there is this.
What are you like with trees?
Trees?
I'm all right.
Well, maybe this is for you.
It's only part-time, but we could find
you something else as well,
and at least it'll show that you're
willing to work.
- What is it? - Yeah, apparently,
some kids have been swinging
on the branches and breaking it. It's
over 800 years old.
Um, you'd be trained in the use of
poisoned darts.
The training would be on-the-job,
apparently. You interested?
You had me at poisoned darts.
Are you the tree man? I'm meant to be
meeting some sort of tree cunt.
Yeah. That's me.
You must be Mandy.
Pleased to meet you.
Ah. You done this sort of thing
before, Mandy?
Well, I've seen a tree, if that's
what you mean, on TV and that.
Right. Well, this is a London plane
Platanus acerifolia.
Oldest in the world.
800 years old.
If this tree could talk,
it'd be able to tell you about the
Battle of Hastings,
the Black Death,
and something else old.
If it could talk, I probably
wouldn't talk to it about history.
I'd just get it straight onto
Britain's Got Talent.
Oh.
Well, unfortunately, with its becoming
boughs,
it's a magnet for children, who swing
on its branches,
potentially damaging its bark.
Your job, Mandy, is to
..deter them!
Here's what you need.
This.
And this.
And this leaflet. Er
"Firing Poison Darts For Pleasure And
Profit."
So, whatwhat do I do?
Well, you just sit here,
and when a child jumps on the tree,
you shout at it to GET DOWN!
And if it doesn't budge, you just
shoot it in the neck with a dart.
Will it kill them?
Unfortunately not.
Are you sure I'm allowed?
Oh, yeah, yeah. It's so old,
the council have authorised the use of
poison darts.
Well, I'll leave you to it.
I hope you get a few of the bastards.
You knock off at 5:30.
- Right.
Get off the tree!
[GET OFF THE TREE!]
Piss off, grandma!
Oh, you little shit!
Ow!
[THUD!]
Mm.
Get off the tree!
[ARROW SWOOSHES]
[ARROW SWOOSHES]
[DOUBLE SWOOSHES]
[VOLLEY OF SWOOSHES]
Get off the tree!
Get off the tree!
Get off!
[HE HOCKS]
Ewww!
- Agh!
- Dirty devil!
[BELL DINGS]
[ARROW SWOOSHES]
[ARROWS PING]
I mean, what on earth were you
thinking?
23 people are in hospital thanks to
your blowpipe antics.
I got carried away. I got a taste
for it.
You're making it really hard for me
to find work for you here, Mandy.
This is the sort of thing that would
make the local paper,
if there were local papers any more.
Is there anything else? I don't have
a penny.
Nothing. There's nothing, Mandy.
You're on your own now.
So, this is it.
Can't even get a job shooting kids out
of trees.
This is what rock-bottom feels like.
I need a drink.
Well, it's a simple hit.
It's justcan't do it myself cos
everyone knows me round here.
Hm.
We need to find someone local,
someone who wants to make some easy
money.
- I enjoyed that job.
- Yeah. Yeah.
I was accurate.
Only needed one chance, and they were
down.
It was good money, too.
Oh, give us another one, Paul. Put it
on the slate.
I can't do that, Mandy.
We haven't had a slate since 1976.
Paul, please!
I'm at my lowest egg!
Did you just say egg?
- Yeah.
- It's ebb.
Ebb? What kind of word is ebb?
All right, love!
Do you want to come over here and join
us? Eh? Take a seat.
We'll buy you a drink.
Plus, we, er
..we want to discuss something with
you.
All right. Nothing dirty, mind.
Strictly business.
Paul!
So, you're a crack shot, are you?
Yeah. Great shot. Cold as ice.
Right. I'll cut to the chase.
We're looking for someone like you -
a good shot.
And there's big money in it, too.
You could, if you'll pardon the
expression, make a killing!
I don't get it.
Oh!
Cool customer, eh?
- Oh!
- Cheers, Paul! - Nice one, mate.
Thanks, Paul.
How much?
- How much what?
- For the job. How much?
Oh! It was £12 an hour, but it was
only part-time.
No. For this job.
How much do you want?
- Oh.
Right. Um
Five grand.
- Oh. Is that all?
- Oh, I mean 15!
- No.
Five grand. It's a deal.
Right. All right.
What do I have to do?
This is him.
That's a very professional photo.
Yeah. He did some acting once.
He'll be at 15 Rillington Place next
Tuesday.
9pm.
I'd be killing a man? Is that right?
How much was it again?
Five grand cash.
Right. I could do with the money.
Look, if it makes you feel any
better, he's a very bad man.
In fact, he's a very, very bad man.
Yeah. Well, that does makes me feel
better, actually.
Can I have the money now?
Right. Look.
Take that now for expenses.
When you've finished your job,
you get the rest.
Fair enough.
Better get on with it!
Photo.
Well, I mean, he is a bad man, isn't
he?
He's a very bad man.
Just not as bad as us!
Mm, is this a bit fun for a hit man?
OK, well, we could lose the bubble
writing.
Hmm. I don't know.
I feel like if I'm going to leave this
at the scene of my hits,
it needs to be a bit more like, "Oh,
it's them!"
You know, a bit more professional.
I definitely think adding a name
would make it more personal.
Yeah. It's just, as a hit man, I'd
just rather not reveal my identity.
Yeah, I can see that.
Um, have you thought about using a
pseudonym?
I've always liked the name Graham.
Graham.
And what about a surname?
Graham
Horton?
Does that sound a bit too much like
Graham Norton?
People like Graham Norton.
Yeah, but would you trust him to
kill someone for you?
Oh, that's a point.
I reckon he'd make a right pig's ear
of it!
OK.
There you go. How does that look?
Oh, that's lovely!
Yeah. How much is it?
Well, how many do you need?
Oh, not many - 15, 20.
OK. - Well, we've got a special offer,
at the moment,
it works out cheaper if you buy 7,000.
Oh, I'll do. Yeah. Thanks.
Excuse me. You haven't had any guns
come in, have you?
Guns? No.
Oh, well, hold on! I'll ask Linda.
Linda? Linda?
Yeah?
We haven't had any guns come in,
have we?
- Guns?
- Yeah.
No, love.
What's she after?
Colt 45?
AK-47?
Uzi?
What kind of gun you after, love?
Any of those will do.
Linda, she says any of those will
do.
Well, take her number, Maur,
and if any come in, we can give her a
ring.
What's your number, love?
Actually, how much is that big sword
there?
Hang on a sec.
I'll ask Linda.
Linda?
What now?!
How much is that big sword on the
model?
Call it £4.
- It's £4
- Yes, I heard.
Yes, I'll take that, thanks.
Oh, fuck!
- Hello!
- Oh, hiya!
- Are you OK? - Yeah, I just got
my sword stuck in this tree.
Oh, dear!
I wonder if I could
[BARK CREAKS]
There we go!
- Oh, thanks.
- OK.
It's a lovely sword. Where did you
find it?
You'll never guess. Sue Ryder - the
charity shop!
- No!
- Yeah! - That's fantastic.
I've always loved swords, ever since I
was a little boy,
but my mum could never afford to buy
me one.
Oh. Well, would you like to take
this one?
Oh, no, I couldn't possibly take
your lovely sword.
Oh, no. Go on. It's yours.
Oh, that's very kind.
I can put it with my others.
Others?
I'll just put this here.
You're not married, are you?
No. How did you know?
Your decor could do with a woman's
touch.
Honestly, I can't thank you enough
for this new sword.
Oh, you don't have to thank me.
Well, there must be something I can
do for you.
Actually, I couldn't take a photo of
you pretending to be dead, could I?
- What? - I know it sounds mad,
but I was hired to kill you
and I won't get the money if I haven't
completed the job.
Um
Yeah. All right. I'll do it.
- Oh, great.
As long as you tell me who hired
you.
All right. It's a deal.
Is it done?
All done.
How do we know?
Ta.
Yeah. I found your card.
I've got a job for you.
Well
..two jobs, actually.
I couldn't bring myself to do it,
Lola,
but he let me pretend I'd killed him,
so I still got the money.
That is very understanding of him.
- Yeah.
- And what are you going to do
with all the business cards you had
printed up?
Oh, don't worry. I found a good home
for them.
Someone bought them off me on Etsy,
so made a bit of extra cash there,
too.
Ah.
[JAMES BOND—ESQUE MUSIC]
# Bang, bang, I shot you down
# Bang, bang, you hit the ground
# Bang, bang, that awful sound
# Bang, bang I used to shoot you down
# Music played and people sang
# Just for me, the church bells rang
Hey! ♪