Monarch Of The Glen (2000) s03e02 Episode Script
Series 3, Episode 2
Stella: How many rooms do you have here? - Archie: 67.
- Stella: 67 rooms to heat, light and maintain? - no wonder you're broke.
- Archie: never needed to.
Believe me, we've already cut overheads to the bone.
If you can find one example of inefficiency, I'll be the first to swing the hatchet.
- Hector: fore! - ( marching music playing ) Ah, morning.
Driving through the french windows does wonders for one's accuracy.
Providing you remember to open them, of course.
Fore! Stella: How do you get the balls back? I've tried training the dogs but they're hopeless at holding their breath.
A nice chap from paisley sends me a fresh supply every week.
Fore! ( classical music playing ) So this is your studio? Hardly.
Just a wee place where I can dabble.
It's so wonderfully bright- and warm.
Don't you find the view inspiring? Yes, I'm getting this lovely, vivid picture in my mind.
I think it's time for that hatchet.
( theme music playing ) So, how do you budget the food exactly? We worked a set routine out.
A big breakfast, a light lunch, and no more than eight courses at dinnertime.
Eight courses? Seven.
That's if they're feeling informal.
We do use a lot of our own produce.
Aye, we grow our own veg and catch our own fish.
Vintage burgundy, two cases? Pity you don't tread your own grapes.
- Biscuits from Harrod's.
- Archie: a few luxuries don't hurt.
Half a hundred-weight a week? Actually, they're for the dogs.
They are working animals.
They do earn their keep.
How exactly? Well, they hunt.
( barking ) Oh, yes.
They've hunted down my filofax.
You must be so proud.
Stella will giving her pep talk shortly.
I don't think she was too impressed by my bookkeeping.
I'm the laird.
I'll take the rap.
It won't be so bad though she might make father dive for his golf balls.
I'd pay good money to see that.
There you are.
We're in profit already.
Who painted this? Oh, just some nine-year-old delinquent.
"Alexandra.
" Oh, that nine-year-old delinquent.
I thought it was a picture of Glenbogle.
It is- sort of.
Used to dream about being a princess and living in a big castle.
I suppose I'm halfway there.
You'll always be my princess, Lexie.
Cinderella, you mean.
So who's Katrina- the ugly sister? Let's not keep Stella waiting.
His mistress' voice.
( loud clattering ) - Archie: Stella- - this stupid thing is jammed.
These chairs are held together with cobwebs.
( gasps ) Is this what they mean by hands-on management? Estate income over the last 12 months, £42,000.
Expenditure over the same period, £137,000.
Anyone here good at math? No, I thought not.
Here we have outgoings broken down by percentage.
This big cheese is heating.
This big cheese is catering.
And this one, oh yes, biscuits from Harrod's.
Cheese and biscuits? What is she talking about? This is the projection from the next quarter.
Note the income- zero.
It'll take three months to rebuild the bridge.
During that time, Glenbogle will be run on a shoestring.
These are my proposals.
First, nonessential rooms will be closed off.
Most households in this country get by with two living rooms.
Now it's your turn.
Second, strict control of outlay on groceries and petrol.
Anything that needs to be bought, I sign the check.
Third, the dogs have to go.
Go? go where? When you say proposals, these are open for discussion? Did I say proposals? I meant decisions.
Staff pay and conditions will be reviewed separately.
Any questions? You're not seriously suggesting we get rid of the dogs? Well, they're a drain on resources.
They live here rent-free and consume their own weight in food every week.
So do golly, Lexie, and Duncan.
we're not getting rid of them.
Actually, I was coming to that.
I know how fond you are of the staff and how loyal they've been, - but - but what? I have to explain to my bank why we're paying for your family to be waited on hand and foot.
- You think that's all the staff do? - It doesn't matter.
We can't afford to have them do it.
- We'll have to let them go.
- No way.
- We'll keep their jobs open until the bridge is repaired.
- Forget it.
Absolutely not.
You said you'd help manage this place.
I will, as long as it doesn't involve sacking the workforce.
Archie, either they go or Glenbogle does.
I'm sorry.
I wish there was another way.
Hold on.
Just wait a minute.
- She wanted to fire us? - I told her to forget it.
It's not going to happen.
- Good on you, Arch.
- So what did she say? Well, this was the clever bit.
I had to seize the initiative, come back with a counterproposal.
Go on.
Nobody gets fired.
What we do is adjust the salary levels, on a temporary basis over three months.
Ah, right.
Sounds good.
He means a pay cut, Duncan.
- it sounds like that, but- - how much? Taking into account cash flow and overhead- how much, Archie? 50%.
Did I miss the "clever" bit? 50%? you're not bothered by wee things like minimum wage? Well, no, accommodation would count towards that.
You'd only be paying for food and bills.
- You're charging us for food? - Only till Glenbogle reopens.
Stella has to sell something to the bank.
- So you're selling us? - It's not like that.
What happened to "I'm the laird, I'll take the rap"? We stood by you, when Stella was going to dump you.
- This is how you repay us? - We're all in this together.
Are we? so why not ask us how the estate can save money? - Or does what we have to say not count? - Of course it does, but- but not as much as what's-her-name says.
For pete's sake.
Well, you can shove your pay cut.
Lexie, it's either that or we fire everyone.
"We"? who's side are you on, Arch? Fine.
until you've made up your mind, I'm out of here.
- Lexie - I'm on strike.
And you can sell that to the bank.
Talk to her, will you, golly? Seems to me she said it all, son.
Duncan? That went well.
Never mind.
it's part of the learning curve.
This way we won't have to pay them at all.
You knew this would happen, didn't you? I anticipated it, yeah.
Well, maybe you've anticipated how we can run this place with no housekeeper and no grounds staff.
It's called multi-skilling.
Management steps in and keeps the show going.
- Management, meaning you and me? - Meaning you.
I'm going to be negotiating with the workforce.
They're not going to listen to you anymore, are they? - If you want my advice- - thanks, Arch, but I've taken on some pretty heavy unions in my time.
I think I can manage two yokels and a cook.
( motor sputters ) ( swearing ) Economy drive, eh? My late wife was fond of those.
She once sold all my cigars and canceled my club memberships.
Turned out she was spending the lot on her tango instructor.
I really am grateful, Kilwillie.
Nonsense.
The pleasure's all mine.
Could always use good dogs.
Come on, chaps.
Don't suppose you've got any other assets going spare, have you? I'm short of a good chef just at the moment.
- No, sorry.
- No, course not.
Don't worry, they'll be feted like kings.
promise.
What on earth? Have the clocks gone back or something? - Good morning.
What can I get you? - Breakfast would be a start.
Lexie's not ill, is she? Help yourself to cereal.
It's a variety pack.
I know that.
What do I do with it? I could cook something, providing I have the ingredients.
- Porridge, please.
Plenty of salt.
- Porridge.
right.
Eggs, bacon, sausage, black pudding and fried bread.
Just some fruit salad for me, dear.
What are you up to? Where is Lexie? Lexie's on strike.
Strike? Good grief.
The red menace reaches Glenbogle.
Just give me 20 minutes, all right? Never mind.
Forget it.
I'm going for a walk.
Monty! Rommel! They've gone.
The dogs, they've gone.
I've already taken them to Kilwillie's.
- I see.
- I should have let you say goodbye- goodbye? my dear boy, Monty and Rommel had many talents, but conversation wasn't one of them.
- I'm sorry.
- For heaven sake, they're only dogs.
I think I can find my way around my own grounds.
I think I'll make myself something.
Right.
That was magnificent, Lexie.
Should've gotten myself a housekeeper years ago.
Should have moved in with me.
I've got a better cd collection.
I feel safer with golly somehow.
Where are you going? To feed the pheasants and take some fodder up to the deer- except I'm on strike.
You could just, like, pretend it's a day off.
I've never had a day off in my life.
Don't worry.
It's not like we're going to sit around watching TV all day- Duncan! Right.
we have to get organized.
We need to arrange publicity and set up picket lines, list our demands.
Right.
so what are our demands? - ( classical music plays ) - Blast.
Look, old darling, would you mind awfully if we changed the music? - Sorry, what? - I can't concentrate on my swing with this flowery nonsense on the gramophone.
It's not flowery nonsense.
It's Shubert.
Yes, lovely, darling.
But I thought we might try this for a change.
( loud march music ) ( squeaking ) ( screams ) Bad idea.
I'm all you've got at the moment.
Archie, tell me something.
You planning a pre-emptive strike? Who owns these tracks leading into Kilwillie's estate? - We do, of course.
- Who uses them? Kilwillie's forestry people.
Otherwise, he'd have to airlift his timber.
How much do we charge him? He's a neighbor, a friend.
I'm not going to ask him to pay for access to his own land.
( sighs ) No I noticed some dodgy guttering just outside.
What? Guttering, Archie.
A stitch in time? Duncan: Rights for workers! No compulsory pay cuts! Duncan, I am one of the workers.
No, you're not.
You're a scab.
You're a back leg.
Black leg.
Aye- that and all.
I'm just fixing this guttering, that's all.
Well, you shouldn't.
And you should be using weatherproof mastic, not the bathroom stuff.
- Do you want to do this? - Rights for workers.
A fair day's pay for a fair day's work.
I can't hear you.
Sorry.
Scab.
Scab.
Scab! scab! scab! Do you want to put your foot on the bottom rung, please? Thanks.
Carry on.
Archie out! Archie out! Archie, Archie, Archie! Duncan.
So you're back? No, I'm not.
This is an official picket.
I still haven't heard your demands.
Perhaps you'd like to present them over a cup of tea.
You can bring your banner.
Don't mind me.
I'll just carry on.
Hector! Sorry, I'm afraid you're in the way.
Why do you have to be in here at all? Why do you have to be in here? It's warm and you know that the heating is off upstairs.
I can't paint with frozen fingers.
Hypothermia's not exactly going to improve my golf.
Couldn't make it worse.
Why do we have to listen to that racket? Racket? that is John Phillip Sousa.
It sounds like a herd of elephants rampaging through a steel mill.
Let's just hear the last side.
No, Hector.
Sorry, no.
- Don't, don't- - ( record scratches ) You scratched it.
Really? what a tragic loss to the world of music.
( record skips ) Biscuit? Oops, sorry.
Crumbs.
So, you're saying you'd like your old jobs back.
Aye.
and proper wages, too.
I'd love to help, Duncan, but we can't afford it.
Oh.
But if you return to work now, it will stand you in good stead for the future.
- Hm? - When we reopen there will be positions available for a field sports manager and a domestic supervisor and a head ranger.
A head ranger? This radiator hasn't been off for years.
You must have upset it.
What do you suggest? Counseling? Lexie's the only person who knows how to keep it working.
Well, you had better learn, quick.
Certainly.
just pass me that instruction manual - I'll get right on to it.
- What manual- fine.
So it's a job for the yellow pages.
Been there, done it.
The call out charge to Glenbogle is £300.
All we have to do is ask Lexie to have a look at it.
No, all we have to do is keep our coats on.
The clothes go in here, the soap goes in here- I've tried being reasonable, but I might as well speak I know, mother.
In order to organize the wash- I need a little private space to pursue my own interests.
The programs are listed here.
I'm not married to a human, I'm married to a set of clubs.
I can't do everything.
I need to show you how this works.
Archie, darling if I run out of smalls, I'll get on the phone and order some more.
Now you must excuse me.
Your father is wreaking havoc in my studio.
Ahem - is this your picket to the main gate? There's not much point while the bridge is down.
The point is to try and win some solidarity, let the outside world know what's going on.
I thought it was your job.
Where's the "mass strength of the media" with your television helicopters? What we need is an angle.
Something the public can get worked up about.
What are you doing up here, anyway? Pheasants haven't been fed since yesterday.
That's it- callous management lays off workers while the livestock starve.
It's perfect.
- Look.
- Archie, you creep.
I knew he wouldn't let the beasts go hungry.
But it's all right for us to starve, is that it? You're taking this awful personal, Lexie.
It is personal.
He's supposed to stand up for us, not lay down for Stella.
I could do with some help down here.
Come on.
Come on.
What do you mean you're not going to picket? It might jeopardize my prospects.
Stella says that when Glenbogle reopens I could be head ranger.
What else did she offer you? A wee hat with a badge on it? - a whistle-? - It's just- I don't know what we're trying to achieve.
We are trying to achieve parity with the livestock.
She says we're not even a proper union.
Duncan- why are you listening to that conniving cow? I suppose she gave you the little-girl-lost look.
Asked for your advice, did she? Duncan, can't you see? She's manipulating you.
Stick with your friends.
Stick with the people you can trust.
I'd never treat you that way.
Oh.
crumbs.
Now this is a microwave.
Can't a chap play a round of golf in his own living room without being branded a war criminal? Remember, no metal.
You simply decant the food, pop it in here, close the door- if a chap can't practice, he exposes himself to ridicule.
These days, all I've got left is my dignity.
Why don't you have a go? What do I do with this? I thought you were in the army.
I was.
that's why I can strip down a machine gun and defuse a live torpedo.
You don't learn that in the catering corps.
When is Lexie coming back? I don't know.
You'll have to stand in for her.
None of that nouvelle cuisine.
- Where are you going? - To practice my swing.
It's so cold in this house, I'm going to try outside.
Has the heating packed up? It's freezing in the back house.
I thought it was kind of bracing.
Not that you would know.
Nice and cozy in here.
How's the strike going, Lexie? Need any help with pickets or publicity? Thanks, but we can manage without you better than you can manage without us.
Oh, we'll get by, though Archie's having a hard time of it.
Oh, no.
is he? For a girl with big bones, you act fast.
Dangling the head ranger's job in front of Duncan, expecting me to take pity on the "poor wee laird.
" Archie's made his own bed - you can lie in it.
- Funny way to put it.
And when you begin to wise up you can come speak to me, not Duncan.
Duncan can think for himself.
Until you worked your feminine charms on him.
Well, two can play at the game, darling.
Archie's not my weakness he's yours.
Oh- no soup? I haven't had time to prepare soup.
I'm sorry.
It would help to warm us up.
Lexie always has a big pot on the go.
Well, Lexie is not here, is she? I'm well aware of that, darling.
Look at this.
Look at it.
That is sheer unmitigated vandalism.
No, dear, vandalism is when you punch holes in paintings.
That was an accident, damn it.
- What am I supposed to do with this? - Take up billiards? Will you please sit down and eat your lunch? If you get near my clubs again, I will not be responsible for my actions.
Have you ever been? What's this? Where's the soup? What on earth's got into the boy? You're his father.
How dare you? I had nothing to do with his upbringing.
Lexie.
You look vexed.
You want me to run you a hot bath? - We've no hot water.
- I could warm it up for you.
Wait a minute.
I'm on strike.
If you've come here to gloat, you can go somewhere else.
In fact, Kilwillie's looking for a new cook.
I'm sure he pays well.
This is not about the money.
It's about making me feel sorry for being the laird, having a duty to Glenbogle.
The laird's first duty is to his people, not to his stately home.
Which people are those? The ones on the hillside having a laugh while I put my back out? I am the only people I've got at the moment.
You decided to cozy up to Stella.
I don't believe it.
You're stirring things up because you're jealous.
You think, "Katrina's gone, Lexie's next, hey!" Am I a fringe benefit? Wouldn't you rather a company car? Dream on, MacDonald.
That's why you come around sticking your bosom in my face.
You think, "Archie's a bloke.
That'll get his attention.
" It might have worked if I wasn't so knackered.
You're not knackered yet, your lairdship.
Rights for workers! Rights for wor- Duncan.
I'm disappointed.
A fair day's work for a fair day's work- no.
It's all right.
I know what you're after.
Rights for workers! How did we get into this mess? Leadership.
Of course.
it's my fault.
This isn't easy for me.
Do you think it's easy for us? I want to work, but I'm not going to be taken for a mug.
Why have I become the only person who cares about keeping Glenbogle going? You're not.
That's why you should have asked us for help, instead of trying to impose a solution.
- Look, it was either pay cuts or layoffs.
- That was Stella's strategy.
- You didn't have to accept it.
- I didn't have any choice.
We always have a choice, son.
Tell me about golly.
Was he born on the estate? Not exactly.
He was hewn out of the same rock as this house.
You won't budge him so easily.
But he's one of these guys that lives to work, isn't he? - You're looking for his weak point.
- It's standard procedure.
According to whom? Thatcher's bumper book of strike-busting? You think this place is just another business, some clapped-out factory, in hock to the unions? - The principle's the same.
- I hadn't noticed principle coming into it.
Oh, don't go soft on me, Archie.
I give them 24 hours before they're back here asking for a meeting.
- You think we can last that long? - Why not? We have food, we have light, we have power- well, we have food, anyway.
- Genny's gone down.
- Good.
Maybe Archie will fall down the stairs and land on Stella.
Maybe now they'll be willing to negotiate.
Forget it.
We're not negotiating.
So what are we going to do? Just sit around in the dark? Look, Stella wants to settle this.
Not you as well?! She flutters her eyelashes, and you're blown away? Why not? It's always worked for you- okay, okay.
Lexie, what do you propose? I propose that we talk to Kilwillie.
I'm not working for Kilwillie! Oh, no? you're the one that wanted to be "senior chief executive in charge of ranging.
" Are we in this together, or not? Maybe it's just a wee bit too soon to be giving up.
I'm not the one talking about giving up.
Look, Stella can't run that place without Archie.
Maybe if we talked to him- I've tried talking to Archie, and he wouldn't listen.
Aye, right.
That's what's bugging you.
I'm not going to settle for a few chocolate biscuits and a job title.
Oh, no unless of course, it's Katrina's job title.
Lexie-! You can go back with your tails between your legs.
go ahead! Mind, and wear brown, though.
That way, when she wipes her boots on you, it won't show.
- What's the matter with it? - It belongs in a museum.
I thought it was in a museum.
Duncan usually keeps it going.
Oh, no, not again.
What are you for, exactly? I know you're the laird, but do you actually serve a purpose? Yes, I do, actually.
Plugging holes in your "brilliant strategy.
" Since you've started playing your power games, my home has been falling apart.
My parents are headed for a divorce, I'm in line for a hernia.
If you want to cut overheads, consider firing yourself, because all your so-called economies are costing us a fortune.
To think I let you sucker me into dumping on my friends- where are you going? I've reached the end of my learning curve.
I'm taking off.
Hi.
I was looking for a hotbed of sedition and conspiracy.
Very subtle, Archie.
You should belong to the MI5.
I'm really sorry.
It should never have come to this.
You tell Stella that we're willing to meet.
Hold on a minute- you can't give in.
I'm the one person Stella can do without.
If you guys go back now, I'm stuffed.
I came here to join you.
Welcome to the union.
Well, as it happens, we are short a member.
Where's Lexie? A wee bit of a dispute about her motives.
( distant thunder rumbles ) Oh, no.
Stella.
I thought you'd gone home.
I would have, but my bike stopped working.
No problem.
I'll walk.
In this weather? Oh, don't be so silly.
You must stay the night.
Come along.
come on.
I hope you don't mind salad.
I'm afraid it's all we can offer at the moment.
I'm not eating that.
I'm not a blasted cow.
No, dear.
Cows are very useful.
They give us milk and meat and leather, whereas you- ah the hunter/gatherer brings forth his trophy.
Now you just have to wait 12 hours for it to defrost.
That's what you think.
Archie showed me a few tricks of the trade- before you drove him off.
Hector, it's a microwave.
I know that.
It's electric.
Well, of course it's elec- ah.
But that is all this is to Stella.
It's just a job.
If we push her too far she'll just flog the place, and head off back to the big smoke.
End of story.
No, she could have done that weeks ago.
She's got something else going on.
I wish Katrina was around.
Am I not cute enough for you, no? Yeah, but you don't have her head for strategy.
Katrina would never take Stella head-on.
She'd redefine the problem.
- How do you mean? - She'd dream up some proposal allowing the workers a say in the management and present it as some kind of alternative approach.
That way, you keep your jobs and Stella wouldn't lose face.
Go on.
Do you play golf, Stella? I'm sure she has more useful things to do with her time.
Like painting, you mean? If you want to be useful, why don't you give the ceiling a couple of coats? I paint to express myself.
I never knew you had a problem expressing yourself.
This looks wonderful.
What is it? Venison omelet.
I'm sorry, I'm not much of a cook.
On the contrary, you're a very capable young woman.
One sometimes gets bored with the purely decorative sort.
I don't think anyone could ever accuse you of being decorative.
- What do you mean? - tell me- did you try living together after you got married? What? You seem incapable of getting on unless you have an entire wing to yourselves.
I suppose you're used to sharing a bathroom? Yes, I am, actually.
I've got four brothers and two sisters and we grew up in a three-bedroom council house.
Sometimes we didn't have anything to eat at all, let alone venison and quail's eggs.
And we still managed to like each other.
I'll get the plates.
( softly ) Oh spare your nice soft hands.
( pipes gurgling ) ( knocking on door ) If you want to use my bathroom, Hector, forget it.
There's no water in here, either.
( knocking ) Ah.
there you are.
I wanted to say that I wouldn't be happy living in my wing, if you weren't knocking about in the other one.
That's all, really.
Good night.
- Are you going to be warm enough? - I doubt it.
Because there's a rather effective, if old fashioned way that we could both keep warm.
Oh ( faint squeaking, scratching ) ( screams ) - Is this what you wanted? - Yes, dear.
get mopping.
Oh, really.
Why can't we just wear wellies? - What are you doing? - Pigeon in the water tank.
Archie's always dealt with them before.
Shouldn't cost much to repair- unless the ceiling comes down.
Stella, I know you're the expert, but three people to run a house the size of Glenbogle? It's hardly overmanning, is it? This'll be you bringing us up the bill for our coffee, then.
Actually, I'm here to discuss staffing on the estate.
Sorry, but we're not available.
We're now employees of the Glenbogle worker's cooperative.
Mm.
catchy.
Certainly more of a ring to it than "two yokels and a cook.
" So would this cooperative be interested in a long-term contract? I don't know.
What do you think? I think she'll need to speak to our area organizer, Duncan.
You'll need to speak to our area organizer.
Don't tell me, let me guess.
We supply the labor, the fodder for the animals, fuel for the vehicles for a fixed monthly figure.
That way you get to control expenditure and cut back in your overheads.
Okay.
make me an offer and I'll see how it compares to the other tenders.
You know you won't get a better deal anywhere else.
And Glenbogle will fall to bits while you're looking.
If I really wanted to save on overheads, I'd sell the place.
Go back to London and admit defeat? Write off all those debts? That's not why you came up here, is it? So- you'd supply - the ghillie, the ranger- - head ranger.
The head ranger- and the housekeeper? Ah, yes the housekeeper.
I might need a bit of time to work on that.
She's defected to Kilwillie.
I've got some business with Kilwillie.
( recording playing ) love is the sweetest thing right.
Fore.
Yes, dear! Hole in one! Kilwillie: Oh, dear.
She assured me that you dispensed with her services.
I wouldn't have taken her on otherwise.
I'm sorry.
I've put you in a very awkward position- no, no, no.
But the thing is, she does seem rather set in her ways.
When I suggested breakfast might be slightly overcooked, I thought she was going to run me through with a sausage.
She does take some handling.
Lexie: Have you seen that? It's a 12-ring with fan-assisted ovens.
I've got an infrared split-level toaster.
Although all I cook is boiled cabbage and roly-poly.
The man loves off-school dinners.
Did you see my room? Satellite TV, power shower, though I can't grow mushrooms like I did at Glenbogle.
Lexie, I've been an idiot.
I couldn't see what was under my nose.
That was my bosom.
I'm sorry if it offended you.
I didn't find your bosom offensive, I found it- I was tired, I was angry, I didn't know what I was saying.
It's okay I know.
Look, I'm sorry.
You want me to grovel? Go ahead.
If it makes you feel any better.
There's nothing going on between me and Stella.
Grab her gaskins all you want, Arch.
It's no skin off my nose.
I wasn't- I wouldn't.
For goodness sake, Katrina's just left - I'm hardly going to throw myself at Stella, even if she did want to catch me.
Lexie, come back.
Please.
And what for? What is there for me at Glenbogle? Glenbogle's your home.
You've always said so.
Well, maybe it's time I flew the nest.
Well, I'll send your stuff over then.
Thanks.
That would be great.
But that's blackmail.
We've used those forest tracks for generations.
Look, you're running commercial traffic out there.
It's for your benefit as much as ours.
It would make it a formal arrangement.
I'm not used to dealing with my neighbors in these terms.
On businesslike terms, you mean? What sort of figures are we talking? ( dogs barking, whimpering ) - Aren't those? - Hector's? yeah.
He was always banging on about what wonderful hunters they were but the only vermin they've managed to tackle have been my brogues.
Chewed them to pieces.
I can't even let them run loose.
The other dogs just bully them.
- Stella: I might be able to take them off your hands.
- Really? Depends on what you're willing to pay for access to your land.
Of all the nerve.
3,000 a year.
Five.
Three-five, and I'm being very charitable.
It's a shame to see them like this.
Hector's going to be heartbroken.
Three-seven? Four.
Done.
( dogs barking ) ( grunts ) Try it now.
( motor whirs ) I've turned all the radiators back on upstairs.
Well, there must be something you can do.
I could sacrifice an animal - a sheep or a goat, maybe.
Well, you could sacrifice me if it brought Lexie back.
You all got gnats or something? Look at you standing there scratching your heads.
Honestly, three grown men.
All that wisdom, experience and education, you can't even handle a cranky old boiler like this one.
( boiler whirring ) Yes.
brilliant.
So you're back, then? I heard you had a pool installed upstairs.
Thought I might give it a go.
You mean Archie worked his masculine charms on you? I'll tell you about Archie.
It takes him a while to get there, but in the end, he's loyal to his friends.
That's why I came back- loyalty.
The only thing you're loyal to is your money.
Someday you'll find out that your money doesn't give a damn about you.
Shall we walk around the loch and feed the midges? Yes, let's do that.
Or we could go to the fallen tree and misbehave.
Whatever you say, darling.
You do miss having Monty and Rommel around to lead you about, don't you? They always used to know where they were going.
Happy to get there, even happier to get back.
I do miss them, rather, yes.
Perhaps I can stand in for them.
Of course you can, darling.
- Fetch.
- ( dogs barking ) - Oh, Kilwillie! - Hello! Were they completely useless? Can't teach an old dog new tricks, I'm afraid.
I don't know.
You should see Hector handle a mop.
A mop? You traitor.
( faint squeaking ) ( thumping ) - You brought them back.
- Who? Those "useless mutts" that were eating us out of house and home.
From now on, they sleep in kennels and they eat leftovers like the rest of us.
- You felt sorry for them? - Not at all.
Kilwillie paid me good money to take them.
I've come to invite you to a feast.
To show there are no hard feelings.
A feast? Who's paying for it? When the power went, the freezer thawed out.
We have venison, trout and a side of beef to get rid of.
And it's not good enough for the dogs? - 8:00.
dress informal.
- I have a prior engagement.
Like what? a mug of cocoa with Duncan's aunt? Stella, I've brought you a present from the dogs.
That really won't be necessary, Hector.
A token of their esteem- a splendid example of apodemus sylvaticus- the common field mouse.
Should I get rid of it, or start charging him rent? ( bagpipe playing ) Molly: Good one, Duncan! Hector: Well done.
Welcome home, Lex.
You've still got some groveling to do.
( bagpipe continues ) Hector: Well done.
( motor buzzes ) ( theme music playing )
- Stella: 67 rooms to heat, light and maintain? - no wonder you're broke.
- Archie: never needed to.
Believe me, we've already cut overheads to the bone.
If you can find one example of inefficiency, I'll be the first to swing the hatchet.
- Hector: fore! - ( marching music playing ) Ah, morning.
Driving through the french windows does wonders for one's accuracy.
Providing you remember to open them, of course.
Fore! Stella: How do you get the balls back? I've tried training the dogs but they're hopeless at holding their breath.
A nice chap from paisley sends me a fresh supply every week.
Fore! ( classical music playing ) So this is your studio? Hardly.
Just a wee place where I can dabble.
It's so wonderfully bright- and warm.
Don't you find the view inspiring? Yes, I'm getting this lovely, vivid picture in my mind.
I think it's time for that hatchet.
( theme music playing ) So, how do you budget the food exactly? We worked a set routine out.
A big breakfast, a light lunch, and no more than eight courses at dinnertime.
Eight courses? Seven.
That's if they're feeling informal.
We do use a lot of our own produce.
Aye, we grow our own veg and catch our own fish.
Vintage burgundy, two cases? Pity you don't tread your own grapes.
- Biscuits from Harrod's.
- Archie: a few luxuries don't hurt.
Half a hundred-weight a week? Actually, they're for the dogs.
They are working animals.
They do earn their keep.
How exactly? Well, they hunt.
( barking ) Oh, yes.
They've hunted down my filofax.
You must be so proud.
Stella will giving her pep talk shortly.
I don't think she was too impressed by my bookkeeping.
I'm the laird.
I'll take the rap.
It won't be so bad though she might make father dive for his golf balls.
I'd pay good money to see that.
There you are.
We're in profit already.
Who painted this? Oh, just some nine-year-old delinquent.
"Alexandra.
" Oh, that nine-year-old delinquent.
I thought it was a picture of Glenbogle.
It is- sort of.
Used to dream about being a princess and living in a big castle.
I suppose I'm halfway there.
You'll always be my princess, Lexie.
Cinderella, you mean.
So who's Katrina- the ugly sister? Let's not keep Stella waiting.
His mistress' voice.
( loud clattering ) - Archie: Stella- - this stupid thing is jammed.
These chairs are held together with cobwebs.
( gasps ) Is this what they mean by hands-on management? Estate income over the last 12 months, £42,000.
Expenditure over the same period, £137,000.
Anyone here good at math? No, I thought not.
Here we have outgoings broken down by percentage.
This big cheese is heating.
This big cheese is catering.
And this one, oh yes, biscuits from Harrod's.
Cheese and biscuits? What is she talking about? This is the projection from the next quarter.
Note the income- zero.
It'll take three months to rebuild the bridge.
During that time, Glenbogle will be run on a shoestring.
These are my proposals.
First, nonessential rooms will be closed off.
Most households in this country get by with two living rooms.
Now it's your turn.
Second, strict control of outlay on groceries and petrol.
Anything that needs to be bought, I sign the check.
Third, the dogs have to go.
Go? go where? When you say proposals, these are open for discussion? Did I say proposals? I meant decisions.
Staff pay and conditions will be reviewed separately.
Any questions? You're not seriously suggesting we get rid of the dogs? Well, they're a drain on resources.
They live here rent-free and consume their own weight in food every week.
So do golly, Lexie, and Duncan.
we're not getting rid of them.
Actually, I was coming to that.
I know how fond you are of the staff and how loyal they've been, - but - but what? I have to explain to my bank why we're paying for your family to be waited on hand and foot.
- You think that's all the staff do? - It doesn't matter.
We can't afford to have them do it.
- We'll have to let them go.
- No way.
- We'll keep their jobs open until the bridge is repaired.
- Forget it.
Absolutely not.
You said you'd help manage this place.
I will, as long as it doesn't involve sacking the workforce.
Archie, either they go or Glenbogle does.
I'm sorry.
I wish there was another way.
Hold on.
Just wait a minute.
- She wanted to fire us? - I told her to forget it.
It's not going to happen.
- Good on you, Arch.
- So what did she say? Well, this was the clever bit.
I had to seize the initiative, come back with a counterproposal.
Go on.
Nobody gets fired.
What we do is adjust the salary levels, on a temporary basis over three months.
Ah, right.
Sounds good.
He means a pay cut, Duncan.
- it sounds like that, but- - how much? Taking into account cash flow and overhead- how much, Archie? 50%.
Did I miss the "clever" bit? 50%? you're not bothered by wee things like minimum wage? Well, no, accommodation would count towards that.
You'd only be paying for food and bills.
- You're charging us for food? - Only till Glenbogle reopens.
Stella has to sell something to the bank.
- So you're selling us? - It's not like that.
What happened to "I'm the laird, I'll take the rap"? We stood by you, when Stella was going to dump you.
- This is how you repay us? - We're all in this together.
Are we? so why not ask us how the estate can save money? - Or does what we have to say not count? - Of course it does, but- but not as much as what's-her-name says.
For pete's sake.
Well, you can shove your pay cut.
Lexie, it's either that or we fire everyone.
"We"? who's side are you on, Arch? Fine.
until you've made up your mind, I'm out of here.
- Lexie - I'm on strike.
And you can sell that to the bank.
Talk to her, will you, golly? Seems to me she said it all, son.
Duncan? That went well.
Never mind.
it's part of the learning curve.
This way we won't have to pay them at all.
You knew this would happen, didn't you? I anticipated it, yeah.
Well, maybe you've anticipated how we can run this place with no housekeeper and no grounds staff.
It's called multi-skilling.
Management steps in and keeps the show going.
- Management, meaning you and me? - Meaning you.
I'm going to be negotiating with the workforce.
They're not going to listen to you anymore, are they? - If you want my advice- - thanks, Arch, but I've taken on some pretty heavy unions in my time.
I think I can manage two yokels and a cook.
( motor sputters ) ( swearing ) Economy drive, eh? My late wife was fond of those.
She once sold all my cigars and canceled my club memberships.
Turned out she was spending the lot on her tango instructor.
I really am grateful, Kilwillie.
Nonsense.
The pleasure's all mine.
Could always use good dogs.
Come on, chaps.
Don't suppose you've got any other assets going spare, have you? I'm short of a good chef just at the moment.
- No, sorry.
- No, course not.
Don't worry, they'll be feted like kings.
promise.
What on earth? Have the clocks gone back or something? - Good morning.
What can I get you? - Breakfast would be a start.
Lexie's not ill, is she? Help yourself to cereal.
It's a variety pack.
I know that.
What do I do with it? I could cook something, providing I have the ingredients.
- Porridge, please.
Plenty of salt.
- Porridge.
right.
Eggs, bacon, sausage, black pudding and fried bread.
Just some fruit salad for me, dear.
What are you up to? Where is Lexie? Lexie's on strike.
Strike? Good grief.
The red menace reaches Glenbogle.
Just give me 20 minutes, all right? Never mind.
Forget it.
I'm going for a walk.
Monty! Rommel! They've gone.
The dogs, they've gone.
I've already taken them to Kilwillie's.
- I see.
- I should have let you say goodbye- goodbye? my dear boy, Monty and Rommel had many talents, but conversation wasn't one of them.
- I'm sorry.
- For heaven sake, they're only dogs.
I think I can find my way around my own grounds.
I think I'll make myself something.
Right.
That was magnificent, Lexie.
Should've gotten myself a housekeeper years ago.
Should have moved in with me.
I've got a better cd collection.
I feel safer with golly somehow.
Where are you going? To feed the pheasants and take some fodder up to the deer- except I'm on strike.
You could just, like, pretend it's a day off.
I've never had a day off in my life.
Don't worry.
It's not like we're going to sit around watching TV all day- Duncan! Right.
we have to get organized.
We need to arrange publicity and set up picket lines, list our demands.
Right.
so what are our demands? - ( classical music plays ) - Blast.
Look, old darling, would you mind awfully if we changed the music? - Sorry, what? - I can't concentrate on my swing with this flowery nonsense on the gramophone.
It's not flowery nonsense.
It's Shubert.
Yes, lovely, darling.
But I thought we might try this for a change.
( loud march music ) ( squeaking ) ( screams ) Bad idea.
I'm all you've got at the moment.
Archie, tell me something.
You planning a pre-emptive strike? Who owns these tracks leading into Kilwillie's estate? - We do, of course.
- Who uses them? Kilwillie's forestry people.
Otherwise, he'd have to airlift his timber.
How much do we charge him? He's a neighbor, a friend.
I'm not going to ask him to pay for access to his own land.
( sighs ) No I noticed some dodgy guttering just outside.
What? Guttering, Archie.
A stitch in time? Duncan: Rights for workers! No compulsory pay cuts! Duncan, I am one of the workers.
No, you're not.
You're a scab.
You're a back leg.
Black leg.
Aye- that and all.
I'm just fixing this guttering, that's all.
Well, you shouldn't.
And you should be using weatherproof mastic, not the bathroom stuff.
- Do you want to do this? - Rights for workers.
A fair day's pay for a fair day's work.
I can't hear you.
Sorry.
Scab.
Scab.
Scab! scab! scab! Do you want to put your foot on the bottom rung, please? Thanks.
Carry on.
Archie out! Archie out! Archie, Archie, Archie! Duncan.
So you're back? No, I'm not.
This is an official picket.
I still haven't heard your demands.
Perhaps you'd like to present them over a cup of tea.
You can bring your banner.
Don't mind me.
I'll just carry on.
Hector! Sorry, I'm afraid you're in the way.
Why do you have to be in here at all? Why do you have to be in here? It's warm and you know that the heating is off upstairs.
I can't paint with frozen fingers.
Hypothermia's not exactly going to improve my golf.
Couldn't make it worse.
Why do we have to listen to that racket? Racket? that is John Phillip Sousa.
It sounds like a herd of elephants rampaging through a steel mill.
Let's just hear the last side.
No, Hector.
Sorry, no.
- Don't, don't- - ( record scratches ) You scratched it.
Really? what a tragic loss to the world of music.
( record skips ) Biscuit? Oops, sorry.
Crumbs.
So, you're saying you'd like your old jobs back.
Aye.
and proper wages, too.
I'd love to help, Duncan, but we can't afford it.
Oh.
But if you return to work now, it will stand you in good stead for the future.
- Hm? - When we reopen there will be positions available for a field sports manager and a domestic supervisor and a head ranger.
A head ranger? This radiator hasn't been off for years.
You must have upset it.
What do you suggest? Counseling? Lexie's the only person who knows how to keep it working.
Well, you had better learn, quick.
Certainly.
just pass me that instruction manual - I'll get right on to it.
- What manual- fine.
So it's a job for the yellow pages.
Been there, done it.
The call out charge to Glenbogle is £300.
All we have to do is ask Lexie to have a look at it.
No, all we have to do is keep our coats on.
The clothes go in here, the soap goes in here- I've tried being reasonable, but I might as well speak I know, mother.
In order to organize the wash- I need a little private space to pursue my own interests.
The programs are listed here.
I'm not married to a human, I'm married to a set of clubs.
I can't do everything.
I need to show you how this works.
Archie, darling if I run out of smalls, I'll get on the phone and order some more.
Now you must excuse me.
Your father is wreaking havoc in my studio.
Ahem - is this your picket to the main gate? There's not much point while the bridge is down.
The point is to try and win some solidarity, let the outside world know what's going on.
I thought it was your job.
Where's the "mass strength of the media" with your television helicopters? What we need is an angle.
Something the public can get worked up about.
What are you doing up here, anyway? Pheasants haven't been fed since yesterday.
That's it- callous management lays off workers while the livestock starve.
It's perfect.
- Look.
- Archie, you creep.
I knew he wouldn't let the beasts go hungry.
But it's all right for us to starve, is that it? You're taking this awful personal, Lexie.
It is personal.
He's supposed to stand up for us, not lay down for Stella.
I could do with some help down here.
Come on.
Come on.
What do you mean you're not going to picket? It might jeopardize my prospects.
Stella says that when Glenbogle reopens I could be head ranger.
What else did she offer you? A wee hat with a badge on it? - a whistle-? - It's just- I don't know what we're trying to achieve.
We are trying to achieve parity with the livestock.
She says we're not even a proper union.
Duncan- why are you listening to that conniving cow? I suppose she gave you the little-girl-lost look.
Asked for your advice, did she? Duncan, can't you see? She's manipulating you.
Stick with your friends.
Stick with the people you can trust.
I'd never treat you that way.
Oh.
crumbs.
Now this is a microwave.
Can't a chap play a round of golf in his own living room without being branded a war criminal? Remember, no metal.
You simply decant the food, pop it in here, close the door- if a chap can't practice, he exposes himself to ridicule.
These days, all I've got left is my dignity.
Why don't you have a go? What do I do with this? I thought you were in the army.
I was.
that's why I can strip down a machine gun and defuse a live torpedo.
You don't learn that in the catering corps.
When is Lexie coming back? I don't know.
You'll have to stand in for her.
None of that nouvelle cuisine.
- Where are you going? - To practice my swing.
It's so cold in this house, I'm going to try outside.
Has the heating packed up? It's freezing in the back house.
I thought it was kind of bracing.
Not that you would know.
Nice and cozy in here.
How's the strike going, Lexie? Need any help with pickets or publicity? Thanks, but we can manage without you better than you can manage without us.
Oh, we'll get by, though Archie's having a hard time of it.
Oh, no.
is he? For a girl with big bones, you act fast.
Dangling the head ranger's job in front of Duncan, expecting me to take pity on the "poor wee laird.
" Archie's made his own bed - you can lie in it.
- Funny way to put it.
And when you begin to wise up you can come speak to me, not Duncan.
Duncan can think for himself.
Until you worked your feminine charms on him.
Well, two can play at the game, darling.
Archie's not my weakness he's yours.
Oh- no soup? I haven't had time to prepare soup.
I'm sorry.
It would help to warm us up.
Lexie always has a big pot on the go.
Well, Lexie is not here, is she? I'm well aware of that, darling.
Look at this.
Look at it.
That is sheer unmitigated vandalism.
No, dear, vandalism is when you punch holes in paintings.
That was an accident, damn it.
- What am I supposed to do with this? - Take up billiards? Will you please sit down and eat your lunch? If you get near my clubs again, I will not be responsible for my actions.
Have you ever been? What's this? Where's the soup? What on earth's got into the boy? You're his father.
How dare you? I had nothing to do with his upbringing.
Lexie.
You look vexed.
You want me to run you a hot bath? - We've no hot water.
- I could warm it up for you.
Wait a minute.
I'm on strike.
If you've come here to gloat, you can go somewhere else.
In fact, Kilwillie's looking for a new cook.
I'm sure he pays well.
This is not about the money.
It's about making me feel sorry for being the laird, having a duty to Glenbogle.
The laird's first duty is to his people, not to his stately home.
Which people are those? The ones on the hillside having a laugh while I put my back out? I am the only people I've got at the moment.
You decided to cozy up to Stella.
I don't believe it.
You're stirring things up because you're jealous.
You think, "Katrina's gone, Lexie's next, hey!" Am I a fringe benefit? Wouldn't you rather a company car? Dream on, MacDonald.
That's why you come around sticking your bosom in my face.
You think, "Archie's a bloke.
That'll get his attention.
" It might have worked if I wasn't so knackered.
You're not knackered yet, your lairdship.
Rights for workers! Rights for wor- Duncan.
I'm disappointed.
A fair day's work for a fair day's work- no.
It's all right.
I know what you're after.
Rights for workers! How did we get into this mess? Leadership.
Of course.
it's my fault.
This isn't easy for me.
Do you think it's easy for us? I want to work, but I'm not going to be taken for a mug.
Why have I become the only person who cares about keeping Glenbogle going? You're not.
That's why you should have asked us for help, instead of trying to impose a solution.
- Look, it was either pay cuts or layoffs.
- That was Stella's strategy.
- You didn't have to accept it.
- I didn't have any choice.
We always have a choice, son.
Tell me about golly.
Was he born on the estate? Not exactly.
He was hewn out of the same rock as this house.
You won't budge him so easily.
But he's one of these guys that lives to work, isn't he? - You're looking for his weak point.
- It's standard procedure.
According to whom? Thatcher's bumper book of strike-busting? You think this place is just another business, some clapped-out factory, in hock to the unions? - The principle's the same.
- I hadn't noticed principle coming into it.
Oh, don't go soft on me, Archie.
I give them 24 hours before they're back here asking for a meeting.
- You think we can last that long? - Why not? We have food, we have light, we have power- well, we have food, anyway.
- Genny's gone down.
- Good.
Maybe Archie will fall down the stairs and land on Stella.
Maybe now they'll be willing to negotiate.
Forget it.
We're not negotiating.
So what are we going to do? Just sit around in the dark? Look, Stella wants to settle this.
Not you as well?! She flutters her eyelashes, and you're blown away? Why not? It's always worked for you- okay, okay.
Lexie, what do you propose? I propose that we talk to Kilwillie.
I'm not working for Kilwillie! Oh, no? you're the one that wanted to be "senior chief executive in charge of ranging.
" Are we in this together, or not? Maybe it's just a wee bit too soon to be giving up.
I'm not the one talking about giving up.
Look, Stella can't run that place without Archie.
Maybe if we talked to him- I've tried talking to Archie, and he wouldn't listen.
Aye, right.
That's what's bugging you.
I'm not going to settle for a few chocolate biscuits and a job title.
Oh, no unless of course, it's Katrina's job title.
Lexie-! You can go back with your tails between your legs.
go ahead! Mind, and wear brown, though.
That way, when she wipes her boots on you, it won't show.
- What's the matter with it? - It belongs in a museum.
I thought it was in a museum.
Duncan usually keeps it going.
Oh, no, not again.
What are you for, exactly? I know you're the laird, but do you actually serve a purpose? Yes, I do, actually.
Plugging holes in your "brilliant strategy.
" Since you've started playing your power games, my home has been falling apart.
My parents are headed for a divorce, I'm in line for a hernia.
If you want to cut overheads, consider firing yourself, because all your so-called economies are costing us a fortune.
To think I let you sucker me into dumping on my friends- where are you going? I've reached the end of my learning curve.
I'm taking off.
Hi.
I was looking for a hotbed of sedition and conspiracy.
Very subtle, Archie.
You should belong to the MI5.
I'm really sorry.
It should never have come to this.
You tell Stella that we're willing to meet.
Hold on a minute- you can't give in.
I'm the one person Stella can do without.
If you guys go back now, I'm stuffed.
I came here to join you.
Welcome to the union.
Well, as it happens, we are short a member.
Where's Lexie? A wee bit of a dispute about her motives.
( distant thunder rumbles ) Oh, no.
Stella.
I thought you'd gone home.
I would have, but my bike stopped working.
No problem.
I'll walk.
In this weather? Oh, don't be so silly.
You must stay the night.
Come along.
come on.
I hope you don't mind salad.
I'm afraid it's all we can offer at the moment.
I'm not eating that.
I'm not a blasted cow.
No, dear.
Cows are very useful.
They give us milk and meat and leather, whereas you- ah the hunter/gatherer brings forth his trophy.
Now you just have to wait 12 hours for it to defrost.
That's what you think.
Archie showed me a few tricks of the trade- before you drove him off.
Hector, it's a microwave.
I know that.
It's electric.
Well, of course it's elec- ah.
But that is all this is to Stella.
It's just a job.
If we push her too far she'll just flog the place, and head off back to the big smoke.
End of story.
No, she could have done that weeks ago.
She's got something else going on.
I wish Katrina was around.
Am I not cute enough for you, no? Yeah, but you don't have her head for strategy.
Katrina would never take Stella head-on.
She'd redefine the problem.
- How do you mean? - She'd dream up some proposal allowing the workers a say in the management and present it as some kind of alternative approach.
That way, you keep your jobs and Stella wouldn't lose face.
Go on.
Do you play golf, Stella? I'm sure she has more useful things to do with her time.
Like painting, you mean? If you want to be useful, why don't you give the ceiling a couple of coats? I paint to express myself.
I never knew you had a problem expressing yourself.
This looks wonderful.
What is it? Venison omelet.
I'm sorry, I'm not much of a cook.
On the contrary, you're a very capable young woman.
One sometimes gets bored with the purely decorative sort.
I don't think anyone could ever accuse you of being decorative.
- What do you mean? - tell me- did you try living together after you got married? What? You seem incapable of getting on unless you have an entire wing to yourselves.
I suppose you're used to sharing a bathroom? Yes, I am, actually.
I've got four brothers and two sisters and we grew up in a three-bedroom council house.
Sometimes we didn't have anything to eat at all, let alone venison and quail's eggs.
And we still managed to like each other.
I'll get the plates.
( softly ) Oh spare your nice soft hands.
( pipes gurgling ) ( knocking on door ) If you want to use my bathroom, Hector, forget it.
There's no water in here, either.
( knocking ) Ah.
there you are.
I wanted to say that I wouldn't be happy living in my wing, if you weren't knocking about in the other one.
That's all, really.
Good night.
- Are you going to be warm enough? - I doubt it.
Because there's a rather effective, if old fashioned way that we could both keep warm.
Oh ( faint squeaking, scratching ) ( screams ) - Is this what you wanted? - Yes, dear.
get mopping.
Oh, really.
Why can't we just wear wellies? - What are you doing? - Pigeon in the water tank.
Archie's always dealt with them before.
Shouldn't cost much to repair- unless the ceiling comes down.
Stella, I know you're the expert, but three people to run a house the size of Glenbogle? It's hardly overmanning, is it? This'll be you bringing us up the bill for our coffee, then.
Actually, I'm here to discuss staffing on the estate.
Sorry, but we're not available.
We're now employees of the Glenbogle worker's cooperative.
Mm.
catchy.
Certainly more of a ring to it than "two yokels and a cook.
" So would this cooperative be interested in a long-term contract? I don't know.
What do you think? I think she'll need to speak to our area organizer, Duncan.
You'll need to speak to our area organizer.
Don't tell me, let me guess.
We supply the labor, the fodder for the animals, fuel for the vehicles for a fixed monthly figure.
That way you get to control expenditure and cut back in your overheads.
Okay.
make me an offer and I'll see how it compares to the other tenders.
You know you won't get a better deal anywhere else.
And Glenbogle will fall to bits while you're looking.
If I really wanted to save on overheads, I'd sell the place.
Go back to London and admit defeat? Write off all those debts? That's not why you came up here, is it? So- you'd supply - the ghillie, the ranger- - head ranger.
The head ranger- and the housekeeper? Ah, yes the housekeeper.
I might need a bit of time to work on that.
She's defected to Kilwillie.
I've got some business with Kilwillie.
( recording playing ) love is the sweetest thing right.
Fore.
Yes, dear! Hole in one! Kilwillie: Oh, dear.
She assured me that you dispensed with her services.
I wouldn't have taken her on otherwise.
I'm sorry.
I've put you in a very awkward position- no, no, no.
But the thing is, she does seem rather set in her ways.
When I suggested breakfast might be slightly overcooked, I thought she was going to run me through with a sausage.
She does take some handling.
Lexie: Have you seen that? It's a 12-ring with fan-assisted ovens.
I've got an infrared split-level toaster.
Although all I cook is boiled cabbage and roly-poly.
The man loves off-school dinners.
Did you see my room? Satellite TV, power shower, though I can't grow mushrooms like I did at Glenbogle.
Lexie, I've been an idiot.
I couldn't see what was under my nose.
That was my bosom.
I'm sorry if it offended you.
I didn't find your bosom offensive, I found it- I was tired, I was angry, I didn't know what I was saying.
It's okay I know.
Look, I'm sorry.
You want me to grovel? Go ahead.
If it makes you feel any better.
There's nothing going on between me and Stella.
Grab her gaskins all you want, Arch.
It's no skin off my nose.
I wasn't- I wouldn't.
For goodness sake, Katrina's just left - I'm hardly going to throw myself at Stella, even if she did want to catch me.
Lexie, come back.
Please.
And what for? What is there for me at Glenbogle? Glenbogle's your home.
You've always said so.
Well, maybe it's time I flew the nest.
Well, I'll send your stuff over then.
Thanks.
That would be great.
But that's blackmail.
We've used those forest tracks for generations.
Look, you're running commercial traffic out there.
It's for your benefit as much as ours.
It would make it a formal arrangement.
I'm not used to dealing with my neighbors in these terms.
On businesslike terms, you mean? What sort of figures are we talking? ( dogs barking, whimpering ) - Aren't those? - Hector's? yeah.
He was always banging on about what wonderful hunters they were but the only vermin they've managed to tackle have been my brogues.
Chewed them to pieces.
I can't even let them run loose.
The other dogs just bully them.
- Stella: I might be able to take them off your hands.
- Really? Depends on what you're willing to pay for access to your land.
Of all the nerve.
3,000 a year.
Five.
Three-five, and I'm being very charitable.
It's a shame to see them like this.
Hector's going to be heartbroken.
Three-seven? Four.
Done.
( dogs barking ) ( grunts ) Try it now.
( motor whirs ) I've turned all the radiators back on upstairs.
Well, there must be something you can do.
I could sacrifice an animal - a sheep or a goat, maybe.
Well, you could sacrifice me if it brought Lexie back.
You all got gnats or something? Look at you standing there scratching your heads.
Honestly, three grown men.
All that wisdom, experience and education, you can't even handle a cranky old boiler like this one.
( boiler whirring ) Yes.
brilliant.
So you're back, then? I heard you had a pool installed upstairs.
Thought I might give it a go.
You mean Archie worked his masculine charms on you? I'll tell you about Archie.
It takes him a while to get there, but in the end, he's loyal to his friends.
That's why I came back- loyalty.
The only thing you're loyal to is your money.
Someday you'll find out that your money doesn't give a damn about you.
Shall we walk around the loch and feed the midges? Yes, let's do that.
Or we could go to the fallen tree and misbehave.
Whatever you say, darling.
You do miss having Monty and Rommel around to lead you about, don't you? They always used to know where they were going.
Happy to get there, even happier to get back.
I do miss them, rather, yes.
Perhaps I can stand in for them.
Of course you can, darling.
- Fetch.
- ( dogs barking ) - Oh, Kilwillie! - Hello! Were they completely useless? Can't teach an old dog new tricks, I'm afraid.
I don't know.
You should see Hector handle a mop.
A mop? You traitor.
( faint squeaking ) ( thumping ) - You brought them back.
- Who? Those "useless mutts" that were eating us out of house and home.
From now on, they sleep in kennels and they eat leftovers like the rest of us.
- You felt sorry for them? - Not at all.
Kilwillie paid me good money to take them.
I've come to invite you to a feast.
To show there are no hard feelings.
A feast? Who's paying for it? When the power went, the freezer thawed out.
We have venison, trout and a side of beef to get rid of.
And it's not good enough for the dogs? - 8:00.
dress informal.
- I have a prior engagement.
Like what? a mug of cocoa with Duncan's aunt? Stella, I've brought you a present from the dogs.
That really won't be necessary, Hector.
A token of their esteem- a splendid example of apodemus sylvaticus- the common field mouse.
Should I get rid of it, or start charging him rent? ( bagpipe playing ) Molly: Good one, Duncan! Hector: Well done.
Welcome home, Lex.
You've still got some groveling to do.
( bagpipe continues ) Hector: Well done.
( motor buzzes ) ( theme music playing )