Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s03e02 Episode Script
Mr. and Mrs. Brian Norris' Ford Popular
Narrator 1: (stirring music playing) Narrator 2: WHO, A YEAR AGO, HAD HEARD OF MR.
AND MRS.
BRIAN NORRIS OF 37 GLEDHILL GARDENS, PARSONS GREEN? AND YET, THEIR EPIC JOURNEY IN EBW343 HAS SET THEM ALONGSIDE THOR HEYERDAHL AND SIR EDMUND HILLARY.
STARTING ONLY WITH A THEORY, MR.
NORRIS SET OUT TO PROVE THAT THE INHABITANTS OF HOUNSLOW COULD HAVE BEEN DESCENDANTS OF THE PEOPLE OF SURBITON WHO HAD MADE THE GREAT TREK NORTH.
NO NEWCOMER TO THIS FIELD MR.
NORRIS' A SHORT HISTORY OF MOTOR TRAFFIC BETWEEN PURLEY AND ESHER HAD BECOME A MINOR CLASSIC IN THE CAR-SWAPPING BELT.
BUT WHY WOULD THE PEOPLE OF SURBITON GO TO HOUNSLOW? MR.
NORRIS HAD NOTICED THREE THINGS: FIRSTLY, THE SIMILARITY OF HOUSES; SECONDLY, THE SIMILARITY OF COSTUME BETWEEN HOUNSLOWAND SURBITON; AND THIRDLY, THE SIMILARITY OF SPEECH.
ARE YOU STILL RUNNING THE G.
D.
B.
D.
M.
D.
B? AH, YES, BUT I'VE HAD THE EXCESS NIPPLES WOPPLED TO REMOVE TAMPING.
JOLLY GOOD.
WERE THESE JUST COINCIDENCES OR WERE THEY, AS MR.
NORRIS BELIEVED PART OF AN IDENTICAL CULTURAL BACKGROUND? ONE FURTHER DISCOVERY CONVINCED HIM: THE LAWNMOWER.
SURELY SUCH A SOPHISTICATED HOUSEHOLD GADGE COULD NOT HAVE BEEN GENERATED INDEPENDENTLY IN TWO SEPARATE AREAS.
MR.
NORRIS WAS CONVINCED.
Norris: I'M CONVINCED.
Narrator: BUT HOW TO PROVE IT? BUT HOW TO PROVE IT? THERE WAS ONLY ONE WA Y TO SEE IF THE JOURNEY BETWEEN SURBITON AND HOUNSLOW WAS POSSIBLE AND THAT WAS TO TRY AND MAKE IT.
MONTHS OF PREPARATION FOLLOWED WHILE MR.
NORRIS CONTINUED HIS RESEARCH IN THE PUTNEY PUBLIC LIBRARY AND MRS.
NORRIS MADE SANDWICHES.
FINALLY, BY APRIL THEY WERE READY.
ON THE 23rd, MR.
AND MRS.
NORRIS SET OU FROM ABIDE-A-WEE TO MOTOR THE 15 MILES TO SURBITON WATCHED BYA CROWD OF LOCAL WELL-WISHERS.
THAT EVENING, THEY DINED AT TOOTING.
THIS WOULD BE THE LAS THEY'D SEE OF CIVILIZATION.
MR.
NORRIS' DIARY FOR THE 23rd REVEALS THE EXTRAORDINARY CALMNESS AND DEEP INNER PEACEFULNESS OF HIS MIND.
Norris: 7:30 FED CAT.
8:00 BREAKFAST.
8:3O YES, (SUCCESSFULLY).
9:00 SET OU ON HISTORIC JOURNEY.
Narrator: ON THE MORNING OF THE 24th, EARLY TO A VOID THE TRAFFIC MR.
NORRIS' HISTORIC EXPEDITION SET OUT FROM SURBITON DESTINATION HOUNSLOW.
EARLY ON, THEY BEGAN TO PERCEIVE ENCOURAGING SIGNS.
THE WRITING ON THE SIGN WAS ALMOST EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE WRITING IN THE A.
A.
BOOK.
THEY WERE ON THE RIGHT ROUTE.
DURING THE LONG HOURS OF THE VOYAGE MR.
NORRIS' WIFE BETTY KEPT A COMPLETE PHOTOGRAPHIC RECORD AND MADE SANDWICHES.
THIS IS SOME OF THE UNIQUE FOOTAGE WHICH MRS.
NORRIS GOT BACK FROM THE CHEMIST'S.
MILE SUCCEEDED MILE AND THE TERRIFIC STRAIN WAS BEGINNING TO TELL WHEN SUDDENLY BY AN AMAZING STROKE OF LUCK MR.
NORRIS HAD COME ACROSS THE KINGSTON BYPASS.
THIS WAS SOMETHING TO TELL THE ROUND TABLE.
AT THIS STAGE, MR.
NORRIS WAS FACED WITH TWO MAJOR DIVERGENT THEORIES CONCERNING HIS SURBITON ANCESTORS DID THEY TAKE THE KINGSTON BYPASS TURNING LEFT AT BARNES OR DID THEY STRIKE WES UP THE A3O8 VIA NORBITON TO HAMPTON WICK? BOTH THESE THEORIES RUN UP AGAINST ONE BIG OBSTACLE: THE THAMES LYING LIKE A SILVER TURD BETWEEN RICHMOND AND ISLEWORTH.
THIS WAS A MAJOR SETBACK.
HOW COULD THEY POSSIBLY CROSS THE RIVER? SEVERAL HOURS OF THOUGH PRODUCED NOTHING.
THERE WAS ONLY ONE FLASK OF COFFEE LEF WHEN SUDDENLY MR.
NORRIS SPOTTED SOMETHING.
COULD THIS HAVE BEEN THE METHOD USED? HARDLY DARING TO BELIEVE MR.
NORRIS LED HIS EXPEDITION ON TO THE 3:47.
4O MINUTES LATER, VIA CLAPHAM FULHAM, CHISWICKAND BRENTFORD, THEY APPROACHED THEIR GOAL: HOUNSLOW.
WAS THIS THEN THE FINAL PROOF? SOMETHING AROUSED THE ACCOUNTANT'S INSTINC VERY DEEP IN MR.
NORRIS' MAKEUP.
THE JOURNEY WAS POSSIBLE, AND YET "WRONG-WAY" NORRIS HAD ACCIDENTALLY STUMBLED ON A PIECE OF ANTHROPOLOGICAL HISTORY.
IT WAS THE INHABITANTS OF HOUNSLOW WHO HAD MADE THE GREAT TREK SOUTH TO THE SUNNIER PASTURES OF SURBITON AND NOT VICE VERSA, AS HE HAD ORIGINALLY SURMISED.
THIS WAS THE SECRET OF SURBITON.
HAPPY AND CONTENTED, MR.
NORRIS RETURNED TO THE CALMER WATERS OF CHARTERED ACCOUNTANCY FOR, IN HIS WA Y, "WRONG-WAY" NORRIS WAS RIGHT.
AND NOW IT'S (Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
(music ends with raspberry) KNOCK, ENTER AND APPROACH.
(knocking) RIGHT.
IT'S COME TO MY NOTICE THAT CERTAIN BOYS HAVE BEEN RUNNING A UNIT-TRUS LINKED ASSURANCE SCHEME WITH FRINGE BENEFITS AND FULL CASH-IN ENDOWMENT FACILITIES.
APPARENTLY, SMALL INVESTORS WERE ATTRACTED BY THE WIDE-RANGING PORTFOLIO AND THAT IN THE FIRST WEEK THE LIMITED OFFER WAS OVERSUBSCRIBED EIGHT TIMES.
IT WAS TIDWELL'S IDEA, SIR.
SHUT UP, STEBBINS.
I HAVEN'T FINISHED.
OH, BY THE WAY, CONGRATULATIONS ON WINNING THE ITALIAN GRAND PRIX AT MONZA.
THANK YOU, SIR.
SHUT UP.
NOW THEN, THIS SOR OF EXTRACURRICULAR CAPITALIST EXPANSION HAS GOT TO STOP.
I MADE IT QUITE CLEAR WHEN POTTER TRIED TO GO PUBLIC LAST TERM THAT THESE MASSIVE STOCK EXCHANGE DEALS MUST NOT HAPPEN IN BIG SCHOOL.
IS THAT CLEAR, BALDERSTON? YES, SIR.
OH, AND BALDERSTON, NEXT TIME YOU DO A "PANORAMA" REPOR ON THE BLACK GHETTOS YOU MUST GET AN EXEAT FORM FROM MR.
DIBLEY.
SORRY, SIR.
SHUT UP, AND STOP SLOUCHING.
NOW, THE REASON I'VE CALLED YOU IN HERE TODAY IS THAT MY WIFE IS HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE WITH HER, UH WITH HER WATERWORKS, AND, UH I THINK SHE NEEDS A BIT OF ATTENTION.
NOW, WHICH ONE OF YOU IS THE SURGEON? COME ON, I KNOW ONE OF YOU IS.
NOW, WHICH ONE IS IT? AH, TIDWELL.
GOOD.
WELL, I WANT YOU TO CUT ALONG HAVE A LOOK AT THE WIFE.
OH, SIR, WHY DON'T YOU ASK STEBBINS? HE'S A GYNECOLOGIST.
OH, YOU ROTTEN STINKER, TIDWELL! SHH.
IS THIS TRUE, STEBBINS? ARE YOU A GYNECOLOGIST? Stebbins: YES, SIR.
RIGHT.
JUST THE MAN.
HOW MUCH DO YOU CHARGE? 30 GUINEAS, SIR.
EXCELLENT.
RIGHT.
I WANT YOU TO GO ALONG TO SEE THE WIFE.
GIVE HER A FULL EXAMINATION.
LET ME KNOW THE RESULTS BY THE END OF BREAK.
AND DON' PICK YOUR NOSE! (sprightly theme music playing) HELLO.
HELLO.
WELL, LAST WEEK WE SHOWED YOU HOW TO BECOME A GYNECOLOGIS AND THIS WEEK ON HOW TO DO I WE'RE GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO PLAY THE FLUTE HOW TO SPLIT AN ATOM HOW TO CONSTRUC A BOX GIRDER BRIDGE HOW TO IRRIGATE THE SAHARA DESER AND MAKE VAST NEW AREAS OF LAND CULTIVATABLE.
BUT, FIRST, HERE'S JACKIE TO TELL YOU ALL HOW TO RID THE WORLD OF ALL KNOWN DISEASES.
HELLO, ALAN.
HELLO, JACKIE.
WELL, FIRST OF ALL, BECOME A DOCTOR AND DISCOVER A MARVELOUS CURE FOR SOMETHING AND THEN WHEN THE MEDICAL PROFESSION REALLY STARTS TO TAKE NOTICE OF YOU YOU CAN JOLLY WELL TELL THEM WHAT TO DO AND MAKE SURE THEY GET EVERYTHING RIGH SO THERE'LL NEVER BE ANY DISEASES EVER AGAIN.
THANKS, JACKIE.
GREAT IDEA.
HOW TO PLAY THE FLUTE.
WELL, HERE WE ARE.
UM, YOU BLOW THERE AND YOU MOVE YOUR FINGERS UP AND DOWN HERE.
GREAT GREAT, ALAN.
WELL, NEXT WEEK WE'LL BE SHOWING YOU HOW BLACK AND WHITE PEOPLE CAN LIVE TOGETHER IN PEACE AND HARMONY AND ALAN WILL BE OVER IN MOSCOW SHOWING US HOW TO RECONCILE THE RUSSIANS AND THE CHINESE.
SO, UNTIL NEXT WEEK, CHEERIO.
BYE.
BYE.
BYE-BYE.
(theme music playing) OH, YES, HE'S SUCH A CLEVER LITTLE BOY JUST LIKE HIS FATHER.
OH, DO YOU THINK SO, MRS.
NIGGER-BAITER? OH, YES.
SPITTING IMAGE.
MMM! AFTERNOON, MOTHER.
AFTERNOON, MRS.
NIGGER-BAITER.
OOH, HE'S WALKING ALREADY.
YES, HE'S SUCH A CLEVER LITTLE BOY.
COOCHY-COOCHY-COO! HELLO, COOCHY-COO! HELLO, COOCHY-COOCHY! HELLO! LOOK AT HIM LAUGHING! HE'S A CHIRPY LITTLE FELLOW, ISN'T HE? ISN'T HE A CHIRPY LITTLE FELLOW, EH? DOES HE TALK? DOES HE TALK, EH? OF COURSE I CAN TALK.
I'M MINISTER FOR OVERSEAS DEVELOPMENT.
OOH, HE'S A CLEVER LITTLE BOY! HE'S A CLEVER LITTLE BOY! DO YOU LIKE YOUR RATTLE, EH? DO YOU LIKE YOUR RATTLE? LOOK AT HIS EYES FOLLOWING IT, EH.
LOOK AT HIS IGGY-PIGGY-PIGGY LITTLE EYEBALLS.
OOH, HE'S GO A TUBBY TUM-TUM.
OOH, HE'S GO A TUBBY TUM-TUM! MOTHER, COULD I HAVE A QUICK CUP OF TEA, PLEASE? I HAVE AN IMPORTAN STATEMENT ON RHODESIA TO MAKE IN THE COMMONS AT 6:00.
(explosion) OH, MRS.
NIGGER-BAITER'S EXPLODED! GOOD THING, TOO.
SHE WAS MY BEST FRIEND.
OH, MOTHER, DON'T BE SO SENTIMENTAL.
THINGS EXPLODE EVERY DAY.
YES, I SUPPOSE SO.
ANYWAY, I DIDN'T REALLY LIKE HER THAT MUCH.
(doorbell ringing) OOH.
HELLO.
I'M YOUR NEW VICAR.
CAN I INTEREST YOU IN ANY ENCYCLOPEDIAS? OH, NO.
THANK YOU.
WE'RE NOT CHURCH PEOPLE.
THANK YOU.
HOW ABOUT BRUSHES? NYLON OR BRISTLE? STRONG-TUFTED, ATTRACTIVE COLORS.
NO.
REALLY, THANK YOU, VICAR.
OH, DEAR.
TURKEY? CUP FINAL TICKETS? NO, NO.
REALLY, WE'RE JUST NOT RELIGIOUS.
THANK YOU.
OH, WELL.
BYE-BYE.
BYE-BYE, VICAR.
REMEMBER, IF YOU DO WANT ANYTHING: JEWELRY, ASCOT, WATER HEATERS THANK YOU, VICAR.
(sniffing) IT'S FUNNY, ISN'T IT, HOW HOW YOUR BEST FRIEND CAN JUST BLOW UP LIKE THAT? YOU WOULDN'T THINK IT WAS MEDICALLY POSSIBLE, WOULD YOU? THIS IS WHERE MRS.
SHAZAM WAS SO WRONG.
EXPLODING IS A PERFECTLY NORMAL MEDICAL PHENOMENON.
IN MANY FIELDS OF MEDICINE NOWADAYS A DOSE OF DYNAMITE CAN DO A WORLD OF GOOD.
FOR INSTANCE, ATHLETE'S FOOT AN IRRITATING CONDITION CAN BE CURED BY APPLYING A SMALL CHARGE OF TN BETWEEN EACH TOE (doorbell ringing) EXCUSE ME.
HELLO.
I'M YOUR NEW VICAR.
CAN I INTEREST YOU IN ANY OF THESE WATCHES, PENS OR BIROS? NO.
I'M NOT RELIGIOUS, I'M AFRAID.
OH.
SOUVENIRS, BADGES LITTLE NODDY DOG FOR THE BACK OF THE CAR? NO.
THANK YOU, VICAR.
GOOD MORNING.
NOW, MANY OF THE MEDICAL PROFESSION ARE SKEPTICAL ABOUT MY WORK.
THEY POINT TO MY RECORD OF TREATMEN OF ATHLETE'S FOOT SUFFERERS: 84 DEAD, 65 SEVERELY WOUNDED AND 12 MISSING, BELIEVED CURED.
BUT THEN, PEOPLE LAUGHED AT BOB HOPE.
THEY LAUGHED AT MY WIFE WHEN SHE WRAPPED HERSELF UP IN GREASE-PROOF PAPER AND HOPPED INTO THE SOCIAL SECURITY OFFICE.
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT PASTEUR WAS WRONG.
LOOK, I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I MEAN.
WATCH IT, MATE.
I'M NOT GOING TO STAND AROUND HERE GETTING POKED AND PRODDED ALL DAY.
I'M OFF.
I'VE GOT A DECENT BODY.
ALL I GET IS POKED AND PRODDED IN THE CHEST.
WELL, I'M OFF.
I'M GOING TO GET ANOTHER LINE OF WORK.
Man 1: WATCH IT! Man 2: DON'T GO ANY FURTHER! TURN BACK! STOP! STOP! PLEASE! OH, STOP! (yelling) OH, MY GOD! HE'S FALLEN OFF THE EDGE OF THE CARTOON! Man 3: WELL, SO MUCH FOR THAT LINK.
JOHN COBBLEY IS THE MUSICAL AND ARTISTIC DIRECTOR OF COVENT GARDEN.
HE IS HIMSELF A TALENTED MUSICIAN HE'S A WORLD-FAMOUS AUTHORITY ON 19th CENTURY RUSSIAN MUSIC AND HE'S COME INTO THE STUDIO TONIGH TO TALK ABOUT TSCHAIKOWSKY WHICH IS A BIT OF A PITY AS THIS IS FARMING CLUB.
AND ON FARMING CLUB TONIGH WE'LL BE TAKING A LOOK AT THE MINISTRY'S LATEST PREVENTATIVE PROPOSALS TO DEAL WITH POSSIBLE OUTBREAKS OF FOOT-AND-MOUTH.
WE'LL BE TALKING LATER ON TO THE MAN WHO BELIEVES THAT MILK YIELDS CAN BE INCREASED DRAMATICALLY BUT FIRST, A FARMING CLUB SPECIAL: "THE LIFE OF TSCHAIKOWSKY.
" (Tschaikowsky's First Piano Concerto playing) TSCHAIKOWSKY WAS HE THE TORTURED SOUL WHO POURED OU HIS IMMORTAL LONGINGS INTO DIGNIFIED PASSAGES OF STATELY MUSIC OR WAS HE JUST AN OLD POOF WHO WROTE TUNES? TONIGHT, ON FARMING CLUB WE'RE GOING TO TAKE AN INTIMATE LOOK AT TSCHAIKOWSKY AND AN INTIMATE LOOK AT HIS FRIENDS.
INCIDENTALLY, BBC PUBLICATIONS HAVE PREPARED A SPECIAL PAMPHLE TO GO WITH THIS PROGRAM CALLED HELLO, PIANIS AND IT CONTAINS MATERIAL WHICH SOME PEOPLE MIGHT FIND OFFENSIVE BUT WHICH IS REALLY SMASHING.
PETER ILYTCH TSCHAIKOWSKY WAS BORN IN 1840 IN A KEN RUSSELL FILM JUST OUTSIDE ST.
PETERSBURG.
HIS FATHER LEO McKERN A FREELANCE BISHOP WAS MARRIED TO VERA PLACHENKA JULIE CHRISTIE BUT SECRETLY DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH MARGO FARENKA SHIRLEY ABICAIR AND THE STRANGELY FLATULEN MADAME RANEVSKY NORRIS McWHIRTER.
SOON, HOWEVER, THE FAMILY ELDRIDGE CLEAVER, MOIRA LISTER AND STAN THE BAT MOVED TO THE NEIGHBORING INDUSTRIAL VILLAGE OF OMSK EDDIE WARING WHERE THEY SOON FOUND THEMSELVES, SADLY QUITE UNABLE TO COPE ANTHONY BARBER.
IN 1863, HOWEVER, TSCHAIKOWSKY WAS SENT TO MOSCOW TO STUDY THE PIANO AND WHEN HE'D FINISHED THA THE LIVING ROOM.
MAURICE TAKES UP THE STORY.
WELL, GUESS WHAT? THE VERY NEXT THING HE DID WAS TO GO TO THIS EXTRAORDINARY, BUT EXTRAORDINARY DUCKETY-POOS SEMl-MONDRIAN HOUSE IN ROBIN, RUSSIA.
HARRY HERE TAMMY TSCHAIKOWSKY WROTE SOME OF THE MOS SAMMY SUPER SYMPHONIES YOU'VE EVER HENRY HEARD IN THE WHOLE OF YOUR LILY LIFE.
SHE WAS SUCH A GOOD COMPOSER THAT EVERYBODY, BUT EVERYBODY, WANTED TO KNOW AND QUITE RIGHT, TOO 'CAUSE SHE WROTE SOME LOVELY BITS SUCH AS "SALLY SLEEPING BEAUTY," "PATSY PATHETIQUE" "ADRIAN 1812," AND LOTS OF CONNIE CONCERTI FOR VERA VIOLIN AND PETER PIANO FANNY FORTE.
BUT WHAT DO WE REALLY KNOW OF THIS TORTURED PONCE? WELL, IF YOU CAN IMAGINE THE SIZE OF NELSON'S COLUMN WHICH IS ROUGHLY THREE TIMES THE SIZE OF A LONDON BUS THEN TSCHAIKOWSKY WAS MUCH SMALLER.
HIS HEAD WAS ABOUT THE SAME SIZE AS THA OF AN EXTREMELY LARGE DOG THAT IS TO SAY, TWO VERY SMALL DOGS OR FOUR VERY LARGE HAMSTERS, OR ONE MEDIUM-SIZED RABBI IF YOU COUN THE WHOLE OF THE BODY AND NOT JUST THE HEAD.
UH, ROBIN? UH, THANK YOU.
WELL, HERE'S A THREE-STAGE MODEL OF TSCHAIKOWSKY.
HERE YOU SEE THE LEGS, USED FOR WALKING AROUND AND WHICH CAN BE JETTISONED AT NIGH AND, UM, THIS IS THE MAIN TRUNK THE POWERHOUSE OF THE WHOLE THING INCORPORATING, OF COURSE, THE NAUGHTY BITS WHICH WERE EXTREMELY NAUGHTY FOR HIS TIME AND THE WHOLE THING IS SUBSERVIEN TO THIS SMALL COMMAND MODULE: THE, AS IT WERE, HEAD OF THE WHOLE, AS IT WERE, BODY.
ROBIN? PETER? SIMON.
MAURICE.
ME.
WELL POOR PET, SHE WAS LIKE A LOST LAMB IN AN ABATTOIR.
EVENTUALLY, SHE DICKIE DIED OF COLIN CHOLERA IN ST.
PATSY PETERSBURG, IN GERTIE GREAT PERCY PAIN.
Narrator: HERE TO PLAY TSCHAIKOWSKY'S FIRST PIANO CONCERTO IN B-FLAT MINOR IS THE WORLD-FAMOUS SOLOIS SVIATOSLA V RICHTER.
(applause) DURING THE PERFORMANCE HE WILL ESCAPE FROM A SACK, THREE PADLOCKS AND A PAIR OF HANDCUFFS.
(orchestra playing concerto) (playing piano) (music stops) (fanfare playing) (cheering and applause) (jolly showbiz music playing) GOOD EVENING.
THIS NEW SERIES OF TRIM-JEANS THEATRE PRESENTS WILL ENABLE YOU TO EN JOY THE POETRY OF T.
S.
ELIO WHILST LOSING UNSIGHTLY TUMMY BULGE.
JEAN.
WELL, YES, AND THE INCHES STAY OFF.
MARK? TERRIFIC.
THRILL TO THOMAS A BECKET'S KIERKEGAARDIAN MOMENT OF CHOICE WHILST MAKING YOUR PHYSIQUE TIGHTER, FIRMER, NEATER.
I AM HERE! NO TRAITOR TO THE KING.
ABSOLVE ALL THOSE YOU HAVE EXCOMMUNICATED.
RESIGN THOSE POWERS YOU HAVE ABROGATED.
RENEW THE OBEDIENCE YOU HAVE VIOLATED.
LOSE INCHES OFF YOUR HIPS, THIGHS BUTTOCKS AND ABDOMEN.
A TERRIFIC PRODUCT.
TERRIFIC! AND THIS COMES COMPLETE WITH THE MOS REVOLUTIONARY GUARANTEE IN SLENDERIZING HISTORY.
Narrator: THIS WAS KEVIN FRANCIS BEFORE LAST SEASON'S TRIM-JEANS' PLAY OF THE MONTH PRODUCTION OF THE SEAGULL BYANTON CHEKHOV AND THE SAUNA BEL TRIM-JEAN COMPANY, LIMITED.
SEE? KEVIN HAS SLIPPED INTO HIS SLENDERIZING GARMEN AND IS INFLATING IT WITH THE HANDY LITTLE PUMP PROVIDED.
THREE ACTS AND A FEW SPECIAL TORSO EXERCISES LATER KEVIN AS TRIGORIN THE FAILED WRITER OF SENTIMENTAL ROMANCES HAS LOST OVER 33 INCHES.
WOW! WHAT A DIFFERENCE.
THAT ANTON CHEKHOV CAN CERTAINLY WRITE.
TERRIFIC.
TERRIFIC.
YES, WHY NOT JOIN US FOR A SEASON OF CLASSIC PLAYS AND RAPID SLENDERIZING.
EN JOY SIR JOHN GIELGUD AND SIR RALPH RICHARDSON LOSING A TOTAL OF 15 INCHES IN DAVID STOREY'S HOME.
EN JOY THE TRIM GENTLEMEN OF VERONA AND LONG DA Y'S JOURNEY INTO NIGH WHILE INCHES MELT AWAY.
EN JOY GLENDA JACKSON WITH A CONSTANT SNUG FI AND SOLID SUPPOR IN ALL FOUR AREAS.
OTHER PRODUCTIONS WILL INCLUDE: TREASURE ISLAND SWAN LAKE THE LIFE AND LOVES OF TOULOUSE-LAUTREC AND THE TRIM- JEANS' VERSION OF THE GREAT ESCAPE WITH A CAS OF THOUSANDS LOSING WELL OVER 1,500 INCHES.
(theme from The Great Escape playing) WAS IST DAS?! ACHTUNG! ACHTUNG! HALT! HALT! (gunshots) HALT! (gunshots continue) (dramatic music playing) WASN'T THAT TERRIFIC, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN? REALLY GREAT.
NOW, THE NEXT ITEM ON THE PROGRAM IS I CAN'T STAND IT, MAN.
REALLY NOT.
I'VE HAD I WITH THIS IDIO EVERY NIGHT MAKING ME SAY THE MOST INANE REALLY TERRIFIC ACT.
NOW, THE NEXT ITEM ON I'M OFF.
GONE.
(mumbling) (mumbling) (mumbling) I CAN EXPRESS MYSELF IF HE FEELS THE SAME WAY I FEEL, MAN (hiccups) (hammering) (muffled voice) (muffled voice) (dance music playing) (music stops) (hatch clanking) (man with German accent): WELCOME ABOARD, BRITISHER PIG.
QUITE A LITTLE SURPRISE, JA? (chortling) BUT PERHAPS YOU WOULD BE SO KIND AS TO TELL US ALL YOU KNOW ABOUT CERTAIN ALLIED SHIPPING ROUTES, JA? (slapping) COME ON, TALK! (man with British accent): HELLO, FRITZ.
THE TABLES SEEM TO HAVE TURNED, OLD CHAP.
LET'S SEE HOW YOU LIKE A BI OF YOUR OWN MEDICINE, EH? (slapping) COME ON, FRITZ, NOW TELL US TELL US ABOUT (man with Chinese accent): AH, GLEETINGS, CAPITALIST DOG.
VERY SORRY, BUT MUST INFORM YOU THAT YOU ARE NOW PRISONER OF PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC.
Man 2: I'M VERY SORRY, COMRADE COMMANDO BUT I HAVE JUST PICKED UP A CAPITALIST SHIP ON RADAR SCANNER.
(mumbling) (ship horn blowing) (suspenseful music playing) (over P.
A.
System:) This is your captain speaking.
There is no need for panic.
Women and children first.
I repeat that: Women and children first.
DO NOT RUSH FOR THE LIFEBOATS AND REMEMBER: WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST.
AND INDIANS.
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GE DRESSED UP LIKE THAT? IT WAS THE ONLY THING LEFT.
WOMEN, CHILDREN AND RED INDIANS.
AND SPACEMEN.
HERE IS A REVISED LIST: WOMEN, CHILDREN, RED INDIANS AND SPACEMEN.
WHAT'S THA MEANT TO BE? WELL, IT'S A SOR OF IMPRESSION OF WHAT A KIND OF RENAISSANCE COURTIER ARTIS MIGHT HAVE LOOKED LIKE AT THE COURTS OF ONE OF THE GREAT FAMILIES LIKE THE MEDICIS OR THE BORGIAS.
NO, IT'S NOT.
IT'S MORE FLEMISH THAN ITALIAN.
YES.
THAT'S A FLEMISH MERCHAN OF THE 15th OR 16th CENTURIES.
WHAT? WITH THESE TASSELS? YES, YES.
THEY HAD THOSE FITTED DOUBLETS GOING TAPERING DOWN INTO THE FULL HOSE, YOU KNOW.
EXACTLY LIKE THAT.
ONE MOMENT, PLEASE.
DON'T PANIC.
NOW, WHAT'S IT MEANT TO BE? I'VE GOT TO TELL THEM SOMETHING.
IS IT A FLEMISH MERCHANT? NO, IT IS NO A FLEMISH MERCHANT.
IT'S MORE A SORT OF IDEALIZED VERSION OF THE COMPLETE RENAISSANCE MAN.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
NO, IT'S NOT.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING.
DO NOT RUSH FOR THE LIFEBOATS.
WOMEN, CHILDREN, RED INDIANS spacemen and sort of idealized versions of the complete Renaissance man first.
FLEMISH MERCHANTS DID NOT WEAR HAND-EMBROIDERED CHEVRONS! (men grumbling) THEY DID NOT! YES, GOMEZ? "WE FOUND THEM WALKING ON THE BEACH, MY CAPTAIN.
" GOMEZ, WHY CAN'T YOU SAY THIS? WHAT? OH, I SEE.
WE CAN'T AFFORD IT.
AH! YOU SEE, THE BBC HAS TO PAY AN ACTOR 20 GUINEAS IF HE SPEAKS AND IT MAKES A BIT OF A HOLE IN THE BUDGET.
28 GUINEAS, SIR.
OH, SORRY! YOU FOOL, GOMEZ! THAT'S 28 GUINEAS.
WHAT ABOUT ME, SIR? ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO SPEAK? NO, SIR.
WELL, YOU'VE JUST SPOKEN! OH, SORRY, SIR.
YOU FOOL, THAT'S 56 GUINEAS BEFORE WE'VE EVEN STARTED! YES? (yelling) WHAT DID HE DO THAT FOR? IT'S A STUNT, SIR AN EXTRA 20 GUINEAS.
LOOK, WE CAN' AFFORD IT! THE BBC IS SHOR OF MONEY AS IT IS.
THE BBC WISHES TO DENY RUMORS THAT IT IS GOING INTO LIQUIDATION.
MRS.
KELLY, WHO OWNS THE FLA WHERE THEY LIVE HAS SAID THAT THEY CAN STAY ON TILL THE END OF THE MONTH AND WE'VE JUST HEARD THAT HUW WELDON'S WATCH HAS BEEN ACCEPTED BY THE LONDON ELECTRICITY BOARD AND TRANSMISSIONS FOR THIS EVENING CAN BE CONTINUED AS PLANNED.
(coughs) WELL, THAT'S ALL FROM ME, SO GOOD NIGHT.
(knock at door) Man: ARE YOU GOING TO BE IN THERE ALL NIGHT? IT'S JUST A BULLETIN, MR.
KELLY.
AND NOW, BACK TO THE STORY.
(knocking) COMMENCE! ALL RIGHT! WE FOUND THESE MEN WALKING ON THE BEACH, MY CAPITAN.
WE'RE BRITISH NAVAL OFFICERS AND ENTITLED TO BE Men: IT'S PUSS! (kids in audience): HELLO, PUSS.
HELLO, CHILDREN.
STOP! STOP THIS ADAPTATION OF PUSS-IN-BOOTS! THIS IS THE POLICE DEPARTMEN OF THE STATE OF VENEZUELA.
OH, NO, IT ISN'T.
OH, YES, IT IS! All: OH, NO, IT ISN'T! OH, YES, IT IS! All: OH, NO, IT ISN'T! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! NOW, I'M GOING TO ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS AND REMEMBER, IF YOU DO NO GIVE ME CORRECT ANSWERS WE HAVE WAYS OF MAKING YOU ANSWER.
Man: LIKE NOT PAYING 28 GUINEAS.
SHUT UP! NOW, WHAT SHIP ARE YOU FROM? WE ARE FROM THE SS MOTHER GOOSE.
WE WERE 12 DAYS OUT FROM PORT OF SPAIN AND I I GOT 30 BOB FOR THE TROUSERS! WE ARE FROM THE SS MOTHER GOOSE.
WE WERE 12 DAYS OU FROM PORT OF SPAIN AND ONE NIGHT, I WAS DOING MY USUAL ROUNDS WHEN I HAD OCCASION TO PASS THE FORWARD STORAGE LOCKERS (eerie music playing) GO ON.
OH, UM WELL, I-I NOTICED SOMETHING UNUSUAL.
THE MAIN BILGE HATCHES HAD BEEN OPENED AND THERE, CROUCHING AMIDST THE SCUPPERS WAS THE MOS GHASTLY CREATURE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
AS SOON AS IT SAW ME ITS HORRIBLE FACE SPLIT ASIDE IN A GHASTLY LOOK OF TERROR.
ITS HEAD, WHICH WAS LIKE COULD YOU SIGN THIS, PLEASE? A SMALL, A SMALL RAT.
IT WAS GHASTLY AND HORRIBLE AND BEFURRED.
ITS LITTLE RED EYES GLINTED IN THE UNACCUSTOMED GLARE OF THE MIDDAY SUN AND BEFORE I COULD SHUT THE HATCH IT SPRANG UPON ME WITH ONE ALMIGHTY WHAT THIS ABOUT DOING HORSE OF THE YEAR SHOW IN HERE TONIGHT? I'M SORRY, MRS.
KELLY.
WE DON'T KNOW, I'M AFRAID.
THIS IS DRAMA.
MR.
FOX TOLD ME BEFORE HE WENT DOWN TO THE PUB THAT THEY'RE DOING HORSE OF THE YEAR SHOW IN HERE TONIGHT AT 9:10.
THIS IS BBC TWO.
I THINK BBC ONE ARE IN THE KITCHEN.
WELL, I'M NO HAVING HARVEY SMITH JUMPING OVER MY BINETTE.
NO.
COME ON! TEARING AT MY THROAT, RIPPING MY CLOTHES AND TURN THE GAS OFF BEFORE YOU LEAVE! ALL RIGHT! I FOUGHT IT WITH ALL MY STRENGTH BUT IT WAS TOO MUCH FOR ME.
ITS SUPERNATURAL POWERS Announcer: Another clear round for Harvey Smith on O'Malley.
Commentator: And now it's Mrs.
David Barker riding Atalanta, number three.
(bell rings, horse galloping) (crashing, horse whinnying) RIGHT! THAT'S IT.
COME ON, OUT, OUT, ALL OF YOU! GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN! COME ON! HARVEY SMITH GET OUT OF THERE! IT'S ONE OF OUR MOST POPULAR PROGRAMS.
THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK, MR.
FOX.
WELL, THAT'S ALL FROM BBC TELEVISION FOR THIS EVENING.
COME ON! GET OUT! OUT! GET OU OF MY HOUSE! OUT! OUT! GET OUT! (cheering and applause) (whistling) ('6Os style swing playing) Announcer: TONIGHT, FROM LONDON YOUR SPECIAL GUESTS ARE LULU RINGO STARR AND THE MAN YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR YOUR HOST FOR TONIGHT LOVE THE OUTFIT, DEAR.
IT'S GORGEOUS.
HELLO.
GOOD EVENING.
WELCOME.
IT'S (Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) (music ends with raspberry)
AND MRS.
BRIAN NORRIS OF 37 GLEDHILL GARDENS, PARSONS GREEN? AND YET, THEIR EPIC JOURNEY IN EBW343 HAS SET THEM ALONGSIDE THOR HEYERDAHL AND SIR EDMUND HILLARY.
STARTING ONLY WITH A THEORY, MR.
NORRIS SET OUT TO PROVE THAT THE INHABITANTS OF HOUNSLOW COULD HAVE BEEN DESCENDANTS OF THE PEOPLE OF SURBITON WHO HAD MADE THE GREAT TREK NORTH.
NO NEWCOMER TO THIS FIELD MR.
NORRIS' A SHORT HISTORY OF MOTOR TRAFFIC BETWEEN PURLEY AND ESHER HAD BECOME A MINOR CLASSIC IN THE CAR-SWAPPING BELT.
BUT WHY WOULD THE PEOPLE OF SURBITON GO TO HOUNSLOW? MR.
NORRIS HAD NOTICED THREE THINGS: FIRSTLY, THE SIMILARITY OF HOUSES; SECONDLY, THE SIMILARITY OF COSTUME BETWEEN HOUNSLOWAND SURBITON; AND THIRDLY, THE SIMILARITY OF SPEECH.
ARE YOU STILL RUNNING THE G.
D.
B.
D.
M.
D.
B? AH, YES, BUT I'VE HAD THE EXCESS NIPPLES WOPPLED TO REMOVE TAMPING.
JOLLY GOOD.
WERE THESE JUST COINCIDENCES OR WERE THEY, AS MR.
NORRIS BELIEVED PART OF AN IDENTICAL CULTURAL BACKGROUND? ONE FURTHER DISCOVERY CONVINCED HIM: THE LAWNMOWER.
SURELY SUCH A SOPHISTICATED HOUSEHOLD GADGE COULD NOT HAVE BEEN GENERATED INDEPENDENTLY IN TWO SEPARATE AREAS.
MR.
NORRIS WAS CONVINCED.
Norris: I'M CONVINCED.
Narrator: BUT HOW TO PROVE IT? BUT HOW TO PROVE IT? THERE WAS ONLY ONE WA Y TO SEE IF THE JOURNEY BETWEEN SURBITON AND HOUNSLOW WAS POSSIBLE AND THAT WAS TO TRY AND MAKE IT.
MONTHS OF PREPARATION FOLLOWED WHILE MR.
NORRIS CONTINUED HIS RESEARCH IN THE PUTNEY PUBLIC LIBRARY AND MRS.
NORRIS MADE SANDWICHES.
FINALLY, BY APRIL THEY WERE READY.
ON THE 23rd, MR.
AND MRS.
NORRIS SET OU FROM ABIDE-A-WEE TO MOTOR THE 15 MILES TO SURBITON WATCHED BYA CROWD OF LOCAL WELL-WISHERS.
THAT EVENING, THEY DINED AT TOOTING.
THIS WOULD BE THE LAS THEY'D SEE OF CIVILIZATION.
MR.
NORRIS' DIARY FOR THE 23rd REVEALS THE EXTRAORDINARY CALMNESS AND DEEP INNER PEACEFULNESS OF HIS MIND.
Norris: 7:30 FED CAT.
8:00 BREAKFAST.
8:3O YES, (SUCCESSFULLY).
9:00 SET OU ON HISTORIC JOURNEY.
Narrator: ON THE MORNING OF THE 24th, EARLY TO A VOID THE TRAFFIC MR.
NORRIS' HISTORIC EXPEDITION SET OUT FROM SURBITON DESTINATION HOUNSLOW.
EARLY ON, THEY BEGAN TO PERCEIVE ENCOURAGING SIGNS.
THE WRITING ON THE SIGN WAS ALMOST EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE WRITING IN THE A.
A.
BOOK.
THEY WERE ON THE RIGHT ROUTE.
DURING THE LONG HOURS OF THE VOYAGE MR.
NORRIS' WIFE BETTY KEPT A COMPLETE PHOTOGRAPHIC RECORD AND MADE SANDWICHES.
THIS IS SOME OF THE UNIQUE FOOTAGE WHICH MRS.
NORRIS GOT BACK FROM THE CHEMIST'S.
MILE SUCCEEDED MILE AND THE TERRIFIC STRAIN WAS BEGINNING TO TELL WHEN SUDDENLY BY AN AMAZING STROKE OF LUCK MR.
NORRIS HAD COME ACROSS THE KINGSTON BYPASS.
THIS WAS SOMETHING TO TELL THE ROUND TABLE.
AT THIS STAGE, MR.
NORRIS WAS FACED WITH TWO MAJOR DIVERGENT THEORIES CONCERNING HIS SURBITON ANCESTORS DID THEY TAKE THE KINGSTON BYPASS TURNING LEFT AT BARNES OR DID THEY STRIKE WES UP THE A3O8 VIA NORBITON TO HAMPTON WICK? BOTH THESE THEORIES RUN UP AGAINST ONE BIG OBSTACLE: THE THAMES LYING LIKE A SILVER TURD BETWEEN RICHMOND AND ISLEWORTH.
THIS WAS A MAJOR SETBACK.
HOW COULD THEY POSSIBLY CROSS THE RIVER? SEVERAL HOURS OF THOUGH PRODUCED NOTHING.
THERE WAS ONLY ONE FLASK OF COFFEE LEF WHEN SUDDENLY MR.
NORRIS SPOTTED SOMETHING.
COULD THIS HAVE BEEN THE METHOD USED? HARDLY DARING TO BELIEVE MR.
NORRIS LED HIS EXPEDITION ON TO THE 3:47.
4O MINUTES LATER, VIA CLAPHAM FULHAM, CHISWICKAND BRENTFORD, THEY APPROACHED THEIR GOAL: HOUNSLOW.
WAS THIS THEN THE FINAL PROOF? SOMETHING AROUSED THE ACCOUNTANT'S INSTINC VERY DEEP IN MR.
NORRIS' MAKEUP.
THE JOURNEY WAS POSSIBLE, AND YET "WRONG-WAY" NORRIS HAD ACCIDENTALLY STUMBLED ON A PIECE OF ANTHROPOLOGICAL HISTORY.
IT WAS THE INHABITANTS OF HOUNSLOW WHO HAD MADE THE GREAT TREK SOUTH TO THE SUNNIER PASTURES OF SURBITON AND NOT VICE VERSA, AS HE HAD ORIGINALLY SURMISED.
THIS WAS THE SECRET OF SURBITON.
HAPPY AND CONTENTED, MR.
NORRIS RETURNED TO THE CALMER WATERS OF CHARTERED ACCOUNTANCY FOR, IN HIS WA Y, "WRONG-WAY" NORRIS WAS RIGHT.
AND NOW IT'S (Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
(music ends with raspberry) KNOCK, ENTER AND APPROACH.
(knocking) RIGHT.
IT'S COME TO MY NOTICE THAT CERTAIN BOYS HAVE BEEN RUNNING A UNIT-TRUS LINKED ASSURANCE SCHEME WITH FRINGE BENEFITS AND FULL CASH-IN ENDOWMENT FACILITIES.
APPARENTLY, SMALL INVESTORS WERE ATTRACTED BY THE WIDE-RANGING PORTFOLIO AND THAT IN THE FIRST WEEK THE LIMITED OFFER WAS OVERSUBSCRIBED EIGHT TIMES.
IT WAS TIDWELL'S IDEA, SIR.
SHUT UP, STEBBINS.
I HAVEN'T FINISHED.
OH, BY THE WAY, CONGRATULATIONS ON WINNING THE ITALIAN GRAND PRIX AT MONZA.
THANK YOU, SIR.
SHUT UP.
NOW THEN, THIS SOR OF EXTRACURRICULAR CAPITALIST EXPANSION HAS GOT TO STOP.
I MADE IT QUITE CLEAR WHEN POTTER TRIED TO GO PUBLIC LAST TERM THAT THESE MASSIVE STOCK EXCHANGE DEALS MUST NOT HAPPEN IN BIG SCHOOL.
IS THAT CLEAR, BALDERSTON? YES, SIR.
OH, AND BALDERSTON, NEXT TIME YOU DO A "PANORAMA" REPOR ON THE BLACK GHETTOS YOU MUST GET AN EXEAT FORM FROM MR.
DIBLEY.
SORRY, SIR.
SHUT UP, AND STOP SLOUCHING.
NOW, THE REASON I'VE CALLED YOU IN HERE TODAY IS THAT MY WIFE IS HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE WITH HER, UH WITH HER WATERWORKS, AND, UH I THINK SHE NEEDS A BIT OF ATTENTION.
NOW, WHICH ONE OF YOU IS THE SURGEON? COME ON, I KNOW ONE OF YOU IS.
NOW, WHICH ONE IS IT? AH, TIDWELL.
GOOD.
WELL, I WANT YOU TO CUT ALONG HAVE A LOOK AT THE WIFE.
OH, SIR, WHY DON'T YOU ASK STEBBINS? HE'S A GYNECOLOGIST.
OH, YOU ROTTEN STINKER, TIDWELL! SHH.
IS THIS TRUE, STEBBINS? ARE YOU A GYNECOLOGIST? Stebbins: YES, SIR.
RIGHT.
JUST THE MAN.
HOW MUCH DO YOU CHARGE? 30 GUINEAS, SIR.
EXCELLENT.
RIGHT.
I WANT YOU TO GO ALONG TO SEE THE WIFE.
GIVE HER A FULL EXAMINATION.
LET ME KNOW THE RESULTS BY THE END OF BREAK.
AND DON' PICK YOUR NOSE! (sprightly theme music playing) HELLO.
HELLO.
WELL, LAST WEEK WE SHOWED YOU HOW TO BECOME A GYNECOLOGIS AND THIS WEEK ON HOW TO DO I WE'RE GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO PLAY THE FLUTE HOW TO SPLIT AN ATOM HOW TO CONSTRUC A BOX GIRDER BRIDGE HOW TO IRRIGATE THE SAHARA DESER AND MAKE VAST NEW AREAS OF LAND CULTIVATABLE.
BUT, FIRST, HERE'S JACKIE TO TELL YOU ALL HOW TO RID THE WORLD OF ALL KNOWN DISEASES.
HELLO, ALAN.
HELLO, JACKIE.
WELL, FIRST OF ALL, BECOME A DOCTOR AND DISCOVER A MARVELOUS CURE FOR SOMETHING AND THEN WHEN THE MEDICAL PROFESSION REALLY STARTS TO TAKE NOTICE OF YOU YOU CAN JOLLY WELL TELL THEM WHAT TO DO AND MAKE SURE THEY GET EVERYTHING RIGH SO THERE'LL NEVER BE ANY DISEASES EVER AGAIN.
THANKS, JACKIE.
GREAT IDEA.
HOW TO PLAY THE FLUTE.
WELL, HERE WE ARE.
UM, YOU BLOW THERE AND YOU MOVE YOUR FINGERS UP AND DOWN HERE.
GREAT GREAT, ALAN.
WELL, NEXT WEEK WE'LL BE SHOWING YOU HOW BLACK AND WHITE PEOPLE CAN LIVE TOGETHER IN PEACE AND HARMONY AND ALAN WILL BE OVER IN MOSCOW SHOWING US HOW TO RECONCILE THE RUSSIANS AND THE CHINESE.
SO, UNTIL NEXT WEEK, CHEERIO.
BYE.
BYE.
BYE-BYE.
(theme music playing) OH, YES, HE'S SUCH A CLEVER LITTLE BOY JUST LIKE HIS FATHER.
OH, DO YOU THINK SO, MRS.
NIGGER-BAITER? OH, YES.
SPITTING IMAGE.
MMM! AFTERNOON, MOTHER.
AFTERNOON, MRS.
NIGGER-BAITER.
OOH, HE'S WALKING ALREADY.
YES, HE'S SUCH A CLEVER LITTLE BOY.
COOCHY-COOCHY-COO! HELLO, COOCHY-COO! HELLO, COOCHY-COOCHY! HELLO! LOOK AT HIM LAUGHING! HE'S A CHIRPY LITTLE FELLOW, ISN'T HE? ISN'T HE A CHIRPY LITTLE FELLOW, EH? DOES HE TALK? DOES HE TALK, EH? OF COURSE I CAN TALK.
I'M MINISTER FOR OVERSEAS DEVELOPMENT.
OOH, HE'S A CLEVER LITTLE BOY! HE'S A CLEVER LITTLE BOY! DO YOU LIKE YOUR RATTLE, EH? DO YOU LIKE YOUR RATTLE? LOOK AT HIS EYES FOLLOWING IT, EH.
LOOK AT HIS IGGY-PIGGY-PIGGY LITTLE EYEBALLS.
OOH, HE'S GO A TUBBY TUM-TUM.
OOH, HE'S GO A TUBBY TUM-TUM! MOTHER, COULD I HAVE A QUICK CUP OF TEA, PLEASE? I HAVE AN IMPORTAN STATEMENT ON RHODESIA TO MAKE IN THE COMMONS AT 6:00.
(explosion) OH, MRS.
NIGGER-BAITER'S EXPLODED! GOOD THING, TOO.
SHE WAS MY BEST FRIEND.
OH, MOTHER, DON'T BE SO SENTIMENTAL.
THINGS EXPLODE EVERY DAY.
YES, I SUPPOSE SO.
ANYWAY, I DIDN'T REALLY LIKE HER THAT MUCH.
(doorbell ringing) OOH.
HELLO.
I'M YOUR NEW VICAR.
CAN I INTEREST YOU IN ANY ENCYCLOPEDIAS? OH, NO.
THANK YOU.
WE'RE NOT CHURCH PEOPLE.
THANK YOU.
HOW ABOUT BRUSHES? NYLON OR BRISTLE? STRONG-TUFTED, ATTRACTIVE COLORS.
NO.
REALLY, THANK YOU, VICAR.
OH, DEAR.
TURKEY? CUP FINAL TICKETS? NO, NO.
REALLY, WE'RE JUST NOT RELIGIOUS.
THANK YOU.
OH, WELL.
BYE-BYE.
BYE-BYE, VICAR.
REMEMBER, IF YOU DO WANT ANYTHING: JEWELRY, ASCOT, WATER HEATERS THANK YOU, VICAR.
(sniffing) IT'S FUNNY, ISN'T IT, HOW HOW YOUR BEST FRIEND CAN JUST BLOW UP LIKE THAT? YOU WOULDN'T THINK IT WAS MEDICALLY POSSIBLE, WOULD YOU? THIS IS WHERE MRS.
SHAZAM WAS SO WRONG.
EXPLODING IS A PERFECTLY NORMAL MEDICAL PHENOMENON.
IN MANY FIELDS OF MEDICINE NOWADAYS A DOSE OF DYNAMITE CAN DO A WORLD OF GOOD.
FOR INSTANCE, ATHLETE'S FOOT AN IRRITATING CONDITION CAN BE CURED BY APPLYING A SMALL CHARGE OF TN BETWEEN EACH TOE (doorbell ringing) EXCUSE ME.
HELLO.
I'M YOUR NEW VICAR.
CAN I INTEREST YOU IN ANY OF THESE WATCHES, PENS OR BIROS? NO.
I'M NOT RELIGIOUS, I'M AFRAID.
OH.
SOUVENIRS, BADGES LITTLE NODDY DOG FOR THE BACK OF THE CAR? NO.
THANK YOU, VICAR.
GOOD MORNING.
NOW, MANY OF THE MEDICAL PROFESSION ARE SKEPTICAL ABOUT MY WORK.
THEY POINT TO MY RECORD OF TREATMEN OF ATHLETE'S FOOT SUFFERERS: 84 DEAD, 65 SEVERELY WOUNDED AND 12 MISSING, BELIEVED CURED.
BUT THEN, PEOPLE LAUGHED AT BOB HOPE.
THEY LAUGHED AT MY WIFE WHEN SHE WRAPPED HERSELF UP IN GREASE-PROOF PAPER AND HOPPED INTO THE SOCIAL SECURITY OFFICE.
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT PASTEUR WAS WRONG.
LOOK, I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I MEAN.
WATCH IT, MATE.
I'M NOT GOING TO STAND AROUND HERE GETTING POKED AND PRODDED ALL DAY.
I'M OFF.
I'VE GOT A DECENT BODY.
ALL I GET IS POKED AND PRODDED IN THE CHEST.
WELL, I'M OFF.
I'M GOING TO GET ANOTHER LINE OF WORK.
Man 1: WATCH IT! Man 2: DON'T GO ANY FURTHER! TURN BACK! STOP! STOP! PLEASE! OH, STOP! (yelling) OH, MY GOD! HE'S FALLEN OFF THE EDGE OF THE CARTOON! Man 3: WELL, SO MUCH FOR THAT LINK.
JOHN COBBLEY IS THE MUSICAL AND ARTISTIC DIRECTOR OF COVENT GARDEN.
HE IS HIMSELF A TALENTED MUSICIAN HE'S A WORLD-FAMOUS AUTHORITY ON 19th CENTURY RUSSIAN MUSIC AND HE'S COME INTO THE STUDIO TONIGH TO TALK ABOUT TSCHAIKOWSKY WHICH IS A BIT OF A PITY AS THIS IS FARMING CLUB.
AND ON FARMING CLUB TONIGH WE'LL BE TAKING A LOOK AT THE MINISTRY'S LATEST PREVENTATIVE PROPOSALS TO DEAL WITH POSSIBLE OUTBREAKS OF FOOT-AND-MOUTH.
WE'LL BE TALKING LATER ON TO THE MAN WHO BELIEVES THAT MILK YIELDS CAN BE INCREASED DRAMATICALLY BUT FIRST, A FARMING CLUB SPECIAL: "THE LIFE OF TSCHAIKOWSKY.
" (Tschaikowsky's First Piano Concerto playing) TSCHAIKOWSKY WAS HE THE TORTURED SOUL WHO POURED OU HIS IMMORTAL LONGINGS INTO DIGNIFIED PASSAGES OF STATELY MUSIC OR WAS HE JUST AN OLD POOF WHO WROTE TUNES? TONIGHT, ON FARMING CLUB WE'RE GOING TO TAKE AN INTIMATE LOOK AT TSCHAIKOWSKY AND AN INTIMATE LOOK AT HIS FRIENDS.
INCIDENTALLY, BBC PUBLICATIONS HAVE PREPARED A SPECIAL PAMPHLE TO GO WITH THIS PROGRAM CALLED HELLO, PIANIS AND IT CONTAINS MATERIAL WHICH SOME PEOPLE MIGHT FIND OFFENSIVE BUT WHICH IS REALLY SMASHING.
PETER ILYTCH TSCHAIKOWSKY WAS BORN IN 1840 IN A KEN RUSSELL FILM JUST OUTSIDE ST.
PETERSBURG.
HIS FATHER LEO McKERN A FREELANCE BISHOP WAS MARRIED TO VERA PLACHENKA JULIE CHRISTIE BUT SECRETLY DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH MARGO FARENKA SHIRLEY ABICAIR AND THE STRANGELY FLATULEN MADAME RANEVSKY NORRIS McWHIRTER.
SOON, HOWEVER, THE FAMILY ELDRIDGE CLEAVER, MOIRA LISTER AND STAN THE BAT MOVED TO THE NEIGHBORING INDUSTRIAL VILLAGE OF OMSK EDDIE WARING WHERE THEY SOON FOUND THEMSELVES, SADLY QUITE UNABLE TO COPE ANTHONY BARBER.
IN 1863, HOWEVER, TSCHAIKOWSKY WAS SENT TO MOSCOW TO STUDY THE PIANO AND WHEN HE'D FINISHED THA THE LIVING ROOM.
MAURICE TAKES UP THE STORY.
WELL, GUESS WHAT? THE VERY NEXT THING HE DID WAS TO GO TO THIS EXTRAORDINARY, BUT EXTRAORDINARY DUCKETY-POOS SEMl-MONDRIAN HOUSE IN ROBIN, RUSSIA.
HARRY HERE TAMMY TSCHAIKOWSKY WROTE SOME OF THE MOS SAMMY SUPER SYMPHONIES YOU'VE EVER HENRY HEARD IN THE WHOLE OF YOUR LILY LIFE.
SHE WAS SUCH A GOOD COMPOSER THAT EVERYBODY, BUT EVERYBODY, WANTED TO KNOW AND QUITE RIGHT, TOO 'CAUSE SHE WROTE SOME LOVELY BITS SUCH AS "SALLY SLEEPING BEAUTY," "PATSY PATHETIQUE" "ADRIAN 1812," AND LOTS OF CONNIE CONCERTI FOR VERA VIOLIN AND PETER PIANO FANNY FORTE.
BUT WHAT DO WE REALLY KNOW OF THIS TORTURED PONCE? WELL, IF YOU CAN IMAGINE THE SIZE OF NELSON'S COLUMN WHICH IS ROUGHLY THREE TIMES THE SIZE OF A LONDON BUS THEN TSCHAIKOWSKY WAS MUCH SMALLER.
HIS HEAD WAS ABOUT THE SAME SIZE AS THA OF AN EXTREMELY LARGE DOG THAT IS TO SAY, TWO VERY SMALL DOGS OR FOUR VERY LARGE HAMSTERS, OR ONE MEDIUM-SIZED RABBI IF YOU COUN THE WHOLE OF THE BODY AND NOT JUST THE HEAD.
UH, ROBIN? UH, THANK YOU.
WELL, HERE'S A THREE-STAGE MODEL OF TSCHAIKOWSKY.
HERE YOU SEE THE LEGS, USED FOR WALKING AROUND AND WHICH CAN BE JETTISONED AT NIGH AND, UM, THIS IS THE MAIN TRUNK THE POWERHOUSE OF THE WHOLE THING INCORPORATING, OF COURSE, THE NAUGHTY BITS WHICH WERE EXTREMELY NAUGHTY FOR HIS TIME AND THE WHOLE THING IS SUBSERVIEN TO THIS SMALL COMMAND MODULE: THE, AS IT WERE, HEAD OF THE WHOLE, AS IT WERE, BODY.
ROBIN? PETER? SIMON.
MAURICE.
ME.
WELL POOR PET, SHE WAS LIKE A LOST LAMB IN AN ABATTOIR.
EVENTUALLY, SHE DICKIE DIED OF COLIN CHOLERA IN ST.
PATSY PETERSBURG, IN GERTIE GREAT PERCY PAIN.
Narrator: HERE TO PLAY TSCHAIKOWSKY'S FIRST PIANO CONCERTO IN B-FLAT MINOR IS THE WORLD-FAMOUS SOLOIS SVIATOSLA V RICHTER.
(applause) DURING THE PERFORMANCE HE WILL ESCAPE FROM A SACK, THREE PADLOCKS AND A PAIR OF HANDCUFFS.
(orchestra playing concerto) (playing piano) (music stops) (fanfare playing) (cheering and applause) (jolly showbiz music playing) GOOD EVENING.
THIS NEW SERIES OF TRIM-JEANS THEATRE PRESENTS WILL ENABLE YOU TO EN JOY THE POETRY OF T.
S.
ELIO WHILST LOSING UNSIGHTLY TUMMY BULGE.
JEAN.
WELL, YES, AND THE INCHES STAY OFF.
MARK? TERRIFIC.
THRILL TO THOMAS A BECKET'S KIERKEGAARDIAN MOMENT OF CHOICE WHILST MAKING YOUR PHYSIQUE TIGHTER, FIRMER, NEATER.
I AM HERE! NO TRAITOR TO THE KING.
ABSOLVE ALL THOSE YOU HAVE EXCOMMUNICATED.
RESIGN THOSE POWERS YOU HAVE ABROGATED.
RENEW THE OBEDIENCE YOU HAVE VIOLATED.
LOSE INCHES OFF YOUR HIPS, THIGHS BUTTOCKS AND ABDOMEN.
A TERRIFIC PRODUCT.
TERRIFIC! AND THIS COMES COMPLETE WITH THE MOS REVOLUTIONARY GUARANTEE IN SLENDERIZING HISTORY.
Narrator: THIS WAS KEVIN FRANCIS BEFORE LAST SEASON'S TRIM-JEANS' PLAY OF THE MONTH PRODUCTION OF THE SEAGULL BYANTON CHEKHOV AND THE SAUNA BEL TRIM-JEAN COMPANY, LIMITED.
SEE? KEVIN HAS SLIPPED INTO HIS SLENDERIZING GARMEN AND IS INFLATING IT WITH THE HANDY LITTLE PUMP PROVIDED.
THREE ACTS AND A FEW SPECIAL TORSO EXERCISES LATER KEVIN AS TRIGORIN THE FAILED WRITER OF SENTIMENTAL ROMANCES HAS LOST OVER 33 INCHES.
WOW! WHAT A DIFFERENCE.
THAT ANTON CHEKHOV CAN CERTAINLY WRITE.
TERRIFIC.
TERRIFIC.
YES, WHY NOT JOIN US FOR A SEASON OF CLASSIC PLAYS AND RAPID SLENDERIZING.
EN JOY SIR JOHN GIELGUD AND SIR RALPH RICHARDSON LOSING A TOTAL OF 15 INCHES IN DAVID STOREY'S HOME.
EN JOY THE TRIM GENTLEMEN OF VERONA AND LONG DA Y'S JOURNEY INTO NIGH WHILE INCHES MELT AWAY.
EN JOY GLENDA JACKSON WITH A CONSTANT SNUG FI AND SOLID SUPPOR IN ALL FOUR AREAS.
OTHER PRODUCTIONS WILL INCLUDE: TREASURE ISLAND SWAN LAKE THE LIFE AND LOVES OF TOULOUSE-LAUTREC AND THE TRIM- JEANS' VERSION OF THE GREAT ESCAPE WITH A CAS OF THOUSANDS LOSING WELL OVER 1,500 INCHES.
(theme from The Great Escape playing) WAS IST DAS?! ACHTUNG! ACHTUNG! HALT! HALT! (gunshots) HALT! (gunshots continue) (dramatic music playing) WASN'T THAT TERRIFIC, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN? REALLY GREAT.
NOW, THE NEXT ITEM ON THE PROGRAM IS I CAN'T STAND IT, MAN.
REALLY NOT.
I'VE HAD I WITH THIS IDIO EVERY NIGHT MAKING ME SAY THE MOST INANE REALLY TERRIFIC ACT.
NOW, THE NEXT ITEM ON I'M OFF.
GONE.
(mumbling) (mumbling) (mumbling) I CAN EXPRESS MYSELF IF HE FEELS THE SAME WAY I FEEL, MAN (hiccups) (hammering) (muffled voice) (muffled voice) (dance music playing) (music stops) (hatch clanking) (man with German accent): WELCOME ABOARD, BRITISHER PIG.
QUITE A LITTLE SURPRISE, JA? (chortling) BUT PERHAPS YOU WOULD BE SO KIND AS TO TELL US ALL YOU KNOW ABOUT CERTAIN ALLIED SHIPPING ROUTES, JA? (slapping) COME ON, TALK! (man with British accent): HELLO, FRITZ.
THE TABLES SEEM TO HAVE TURNED, OLD CHAP.
LET'S SEE HOW YOU LIKE A BI OF YOUR OWN MEDICINE, EH? (slapping) COME ON, FRITZ, NOW TELL US TELL US ABOUT (man with Chinese accent): AH, GLEETINGS, CAPITALIST DOG.
VERY SORRY, BUT MUST INFORM YOU THAT YOU ARE NOW PRISONER OF PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC.
Man 2: I'M VERY SORRY, COMRADE COMMANDO BUT I HAVE JUST PICKED UP A CAPITALIST SHIP ON RADAR SCANNER.
(mumbling) (ship horn blowing) (suspenseful music playing) (over P.
A.
System:) This is your captain speaking.
There is no need for panic.
Women and children first.
I repeat that: Women and children first.
DO NOT RUSH FOR THE LIFEBOATS AND REMEMBER: WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST.
AND INDIANS.
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GE DRESSED UP LIKE THAT? IT WAS THE ONLY THING LEFT.
WOMEN, CHILDREN AND RED INDIANS.
AND SPACEMEN.
HERE IS A REVISED LIST: WOMEN, CHILDREN, RED INDIANS AND SPACEMEN.
WHAT'S THA MEANT TO BE? WELL, IT'S A SOR OF IMPRESSION OF WHAT A KIND OF RENAISSANCE COURTIER ARTIS MIGHT HAVE LOOKED LIKE AT THE COURTS OF ONE OF THE GREAT FAMILIES LIKE THE MEDICIS OR THE BORGIAS.
NO, IT'S NOT.
IT'S MORE FLEMISH THAN ITALIAN.
YES.
THAT'S A FLEMISH MERCHAN OF THE 15th OR 16th CENTURIES.
WHAT? WITH THESE TASSELS? YES, YES.
THEY HAD THOSE FITTED DOUBLETS GOING TAPERING DOWN INTO THE FULL HOSE, YOU KNOW.
EXACTLY LIKE THAT.
ONE MOMENT, PLEASE.
DON'T PANIC.
NOW, WHAT'S IT MEANT TO BE? I'VE GOT TO TELL THEM SOMETHING.
IS IT A FLEMISH MERCHANT? NO, IT IS NO A FLEMISH MERCHANT.
IT'S MORE A SORT OF IDEALIZED VERSION OF THE COMPLETE RENAISSANCE MAN.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
NO, IT'S NOT.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING.
DO NOT RUSH FOR THE LIFEBOATS.
WOMEN, CHILDREN, RED INDIANS spacemen and sort of idealized versions of the complete Renaissance man first.
FLEMISH MERCHANTS DID NOT WEAR HAND-EMBROIDERED CHEVRONS! (men grumbling) THEY DID NOT! YES, GOMEZ? "WE FOUND THEM WALKING ON THE BEACH, MY CAPTAIN.
" GOMEZ, WHY CAN'T YOU SAY THIS? WHAT? OH, I SEE.
WE CAN'T AFFORD IT.
AH! YOU SEE, THE BBC HAS TO PAY AN ACTOR 20 GUINEAS IF HE SPEAKS AND IT MAKES A BIT OF A HOLE IN THE BUDGET.
28 GUINEAS, SIR.
OH, SORRY! YOU FOOL, GOMEZ! THAT'S 28 GUINEAS.
WHAT ABOUT ME, SIR? ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO SPEAK? NO, SIR.
WELL, YOU'VE JUST SPOKEN! OH, SORRY, SIR.
YOU FOOL, THAT'S 56 GUINEAS BEFORE WE'VE EVEN STARTED! YES? (yelling) WHAT DID HE DO THAT FOR? IT'S A STUNT, SIR AN EXTRA 20 GUINEAS.
LOOK, WE CAN' AFFORD IT! THE BBC IS SHOR OF MONEY AS IT IS.
THE BBC WISHES TO DENY RUMORS THAT IT IS GOING INTO LIQUIDATION.
MRS.
KELLY, WHO OWNS THE FLA WHERE THEY LIVE HAS SAID THAT THEY CAN STAY ON TILL THE END OF THE MONTH AND WE'VE JUST HEARD THAT HUW WELDON'S WATCH HAS BEEN ACCEPTED BY THE LONDON ELECTRICITY BOARD AND TRANSMISSIONS FOR THIS EVENING CAN BE CONTINUED AS PLANNED.
(coughs) WELL, THAT'S ALL FROM ME, SO GOOD NIGHT.
(knock at door) Man: ARE YOU GOING TO BE IN THERE ALL NIGHT? IT'S JUST A BULLETIN, MR.
KELLY.
AND NOW, BACK TO THE STORY.
(knocking) COMMENCE! ALL RIGHT! WE FOUND THESE MEN WALKING ON THE BEACH, MY CAPITAN.
WE'RE BRITISH NAVAL OFFICERS AND ENTITLED TO BE Men: IT'S PUSS! (kids in audience): HELLO, PUSS.
HELLO, CHILDREN.
STOP! STOP THIS ADAPTATION OF PUSS-IN-BOOTS! THIS IS THE POLICE DEPARTMEN OF THE STATE OF VENEZUELA.
OH, NO, IT ISN'T.
OH, YES, IT IS! All: OH, NO, IT ISN'T! OH, YES, IT IS! All: OH, NO, IT ISN'T! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! NOW, I'M GOING TO ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS AND REMEMBER, IF YOU DO NO GIVE ME CORRECT ANSWERS WE HAVE WAYS OF MAKING YOU ANSWER.
Man: LIKE NOT PAYING 28 GUINEAS.
SHUT UP! NOW, WHAT SHIP ARE YOU FROM? WE ARE FROM THE SS MOTHER GOOSE.
WE WERE 12 DAYS OUT FROM PORT OF SPAIN AND I I GOT 30 BOB FOR THE TROUSERS! WE ARE FROM THE SS MOTHER GOOSE.
WE WERE 12 DAYS OU FROM PORT OF SPAIN AND ONE NIGHT, I WAS DOING MY USUAL ROUNDS WHEN I HAD OCCASION TO PASS THE FORWARD STORAGE LOCKERS (eerie music playing) GO ON.
OH, UM WELL, I-I NOTICED SOMETHING UNUSUAL.
THE MAIN BILGE HATCHES HAD BEEN OPENED AND THERE, CROUCHING AMIDST THE SCUPPERS WAS THE MOS GHASTLY CREATURE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
AS SOON AS IT SAW ME ITS HORRIBLE FACE SPLIT ASIDE IN A GHASTLY LOOK OF TERROR.
ITS HEAD, WHICH WAS LIKE COULD YOU SIGN THIS, PLEASE? A SMALL, A SMALL RAT.
IT WAS GHASTLY AND HORRIBLE AND BEFURRED.
ITS LITTLE RED EYES GLINTED IN THE UNACCUSTOMED GLARE OF THE MIDDAY SUN AND BEFORE I COULD SHUT THE HATCH IT SPRANG UPON ME WITH ONE ALMIGHTY WHAT THIS ABOUT DOING HORSE OF THE YEAR SHOW IN HERE TONIGHT? I'M SORRY, MRS.
KELLY.
WE DON'T KNOW, I'M AFRAID.
THIS IS DRAMA.
MR.
FOX TOLD ME BEFORE HE WENT DOWN TO THE PUB THAT THEY'RE DOING HORSE OF THE YEAR SHOW IN HERE TONIGHT AT 9:10.
THIS IS BBC TWO.
I THINK BBC ONE ARE IN THE KITCHEN.
WELL, I'M NO HAVING HARVEY SMITH JUMPING OVER MY BINETTE.
NO.
COME ON! TEARING AT MY THROAT, RIPPING MY CLOTHES AND TURN THE GAS OFF BEFORE YOU LEAVE! ALL RIGHT! I FOUGHT IT WITH ALL MY STRENGTH BUT IT WAS TOO MUCH FOR ME.
ITS SUPERNATURAL POWERS Announcer: Another clear round for Harvey Smith on O'Malley.
Commentator: And now it's Mrs.
David Barker riding Atalanta, number three.
(bell rings, horse galloping) (crashing, horse whinnying) RIGHT! THAT'S IT.
COME ON, OUT, OUT, ALL OF YOU! GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN! COME ON! HARVEY SMITH GET OUT OF THERE! IT'S ONE OF OUR MOST POPULAR PROGRAMS.
THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK, MR.
FOX.
WELL, THAT'S ALL FROM BBC TELEVISION FOR THIS EVENING.
COME ON! GET OUT! OUT! GET OU OF MY HOUSE! OUT! OUT! GET OUT! (cheering and applause) (whistling) ('6Os style swing playing) Announcer: TONIGHT, FROM LONDON YOUR SPECIAL GUESTS ARE LULU RINGO STARR AND THE MAN YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR YOUR HOST FOR TONIGHT LOVE THE OUTFIT, DEAR.
IT'S GORGEOUS.
HELLO.
GOOD EVENING.
WELCOME.
IT'S (Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) (music ends with raspberry)