Mrs Brown's Boys (2011) s03e02 Episode Script

1 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys.
She's Mrs Brown That's Mrs Brown Oh, Mrs Brown.
Ya bastard! What do you want, Granddad? Who was it? I don't know.
It stopped before I got to it.
Was it for me? I don't fuckin' know! What do you think I am, a psychopath? Hello? Feck it! What? Who was it? Murphy's Funeral Home.
They want to know what height you are.
Right, I'm going out the back to hang out clothes.
Goodbye now.
They can fuck off.
C'mon, Thomas, I'll put the kettle on.
Actually, there's no need to make tea.
I just want to ask you something important.
In private Sit down, Thomas.
What's so important that you needed to talk to me on my own? I want to ask you something.
It's rather a big thing.
Go on.
Well, I'm not getting any younger and, well, time comes for change.
I understand.
Hello, Mrs Bro Hello? How do you do? No, he's not here.
OK, I'll tell him.
You thought you'd fuckin' had me, didn't ya? Hello, love.
Hello, Thomas.
Hello, Mrs Brown.
Perhaps we should do this another time.
But, Thomas No, no really.
Another time.
You spoilt it again.
Why do you have to embarrass me every time? Me embarrass you? How do you think I feel when the neighbours say, "Is that your daughter with Worzel fuckin' Gummidge?" Hello.
Come into the kitchen.
I don't know what's wrong with Cathy.
She's besotted with this Thomas fella.
Professor Clown.
You know, you'd think if she had somebody that she likes, you know, she wouldn't be as jumpy as she is.
I don't like him, not one feckin' bit.
He's too into himself.
You know, I can see him strolling down Lover's Lane, hand in hand with himself.
Cathy needs to understand that love is like snow.
You know, you don't know if its going to stick.
And you never know how many inches you're going to get.
Who's getting inches? Not yours truly anyway.
So how is everybody? Ah, grand.
Cathy's still cavorting with ya man Professor Clown.
Well, at least Cathy does something about a boyfriend.
My Sharon does Everybody! .
.
nothing.
Nothing.
That's what I meant, nothing, yeah.
I often wonder, will she ever lose her virginity? I mean, she's such a Bike.
Shy girl.
Shy girl, that's what I meant.
Yes.
Shy, yeah.
Look, I don't know what's going on with Sharon's relationships but Cathy's just like a bag of feckin' cats.
She nearly bit the head off me just then.
Sharon's the same.
I asked her when she was going to get a better job and she just nearly devoured me.
But she likes that job she has in Foley's.
She speaks four languages, Agnes.
And she can't say no in any of them! What? Nothing.
Nothing.
Great news.
Mammy.
Me and Dino are getting a condominium.
That's fantastic.
Rory, be careful.
They're not a 100% safe.
Your Mammy's right, Rory.
Sharon's friend wore one of them and got run over by a bus.
Well, shows you.
We've got an apartment.
Con-do-minium.
All-fuckin'-right.
It's gorgeous.
Fuckin' flies.
We're only hoping now that it will be ready before Dino gets turfed out of the bedsit.
Ah, well, I'm happy that yous are happy.
Where is it? In Kil I'm sorry, love, where is it? It's in Kilbride, Mrs Brown.
Oh! Oh, it's beautiful.
Oh, that's very far out, Rory.
I mean, that's going to be a long trek in and out of Wash & Blow.
That's why I'm doing this.
Driving lessons.
Oh, Rory, I don't know.
Remember the first time you drove? Oh, God, you cried so much I had to go into the shop and ask the man to pull out the plug.
I'd be grand.
The instructor said, if I do the course, I'd pass me test no problem.
That's what the last instructor said.
You had lessons before? Tell him, tell him! Well, I put the car into gear and when it started, the instructor started shouting, "Stop! Stop!" The man hadn't got into the car yet! I couldn't stop it.
I said to Mammy, "How do I stop this thing?" What were you doing in the car, Mrs Brown? I was feckin' praying, son.
So what happened? Well, you know the flower shop on Rathmore Street? There is no flower shop in Rathmore Street.
Exactly! Not now! Don't do it, Rory.
It's too dangerous.
No, I am doing it.
Danger is my middle name.
Bond.
James Bond.
Off.
Fuck off.
Do you know, at first I was really nervous about this, but now I'm excited.
Excited about what? Driving lessons.
Why would you get driving lessons when you haven't got a car? I don't say anything when you buy a bra.
D'you want tea? Yes, please, Mammy.
Fine.
Look, I'm sorry for snapping earlier.
It's all right, love, that's what dinosaurs do.
Argh! Thanks, Mammy.
How is? Dermot is not here.
Actually I'm looking for you, Mrs Brown.
I don't want any.
Dermot tells me you're looking to get your kitchen done.
Yes, so? Well, I don't know if you were aware, Mrs Brown, but I have a lot of experience in renovations.
No, I wasn't aware.
Because you don't! Look, all I want is a chance to quote for the job.
Fine, you can quote.
Seven and a half grand.
For what? For me.
That's my quote.
Buster, to put in a quote, you have to show Mammy what you're going to do, take measurements and that, decide how long it's going to take and then how much.
Seven and a half grand.
What the feckin'! What are you doin'? Mammy, I want to talk to you about something important.
That's what ad breaks are for.
What? Mammy, what did you do to impress Daddy? What do you mean impress him? You know, when you were dating.
What did you have to do to keep him interested? Fuckin' turn up! Why, what's on your mind? I was thinking about getting a boob job.
And what's wrong with the job you have? No, Mammy, a boob job! Breast enlargements.
Oh, yeah I have enough money saved.
What do you think? I think you should do whatever you want to do, love.
Thomas is always looking at women with big breasts.
A man looking at women with big breasts.
Wonders will never cease.
Mammy, would you change anything? Never, no.
I was always very proud of my body.
I used to just strip naked and stand in front of the mirror.
I'd go, "Hm-hm-hm-hm! "Go on, you good thing.
" Everybody else in the butcher's would just stare at me.
But they weren't getting their mince for 40 pence a pound.
Seriously, Mammy, if you had had access to plastic surgery, what would you have gotten done? I might have got a couple of inches put onto your father's penis.
That's just me being feckin' greedy now! Listen, Cathy love, you get a titty job, that's your own business.
But I think it might be much better for you if you found somebody who loves you just the way you are.
It's not like that any more, Mammy.
It's not enough to just turn up.
Well, maybe it is for the right man! Uh! What's a mother to do? Ah, bollocks! Mrs Brown, this is the best draughtsman in the city.
He's the best there is? Hello.
Hello, Mr His name is Giddyeye.
Giddyeye.
Pleased to meet you, Mrs Brown.
Now, can you show us the kitchen? We're in the fuckin' kitchen.
Oh, yeah of course.
First thing we need to do is better lighting.
It's almost pitch black in here.
Pitch black? He's very cheap.
He can't see! Of course he can see! Just not very well.
He can make out shapes close to his face.
Can you make out that shape? Hey, who are you? Jesus Christ! What are you doing? This sink is far too big.
What? Hello, Blondie.
Buster, get Helen Keller out of here.
C'mon Giddyeye, we're going.
Looking forward to seeing you again soon, Mrs Brown.
I'm looking forward to you seeing me for the fuckin' first time! Lying bastard! Shit! Shit! "Wedding dress for sale.
"Worn once ".
.
by mistake.
" Tea, love? Yes, please, Mammy.
Well, what do you think? What do I think of what? You got it done already? No, I'm wearing a size decider.
What? The clinic want me to be sure I get the size I want, so they gave me this to try out different sizes.
It adjusts, watch.
Inflatable titties! It's amazing! I'm going to try it out on my date tomorrow night.
Hope Thomas reacts the way I think he will.
I wonder will he notice it? Oh, believe me, he'll fuckin' notice.
How do you get them to go down again? I'm not sure.
The instructions are upstairs.
And what do you two want? Tell her, will you, Dermo? Mammy, Giddyeye isn't going to design your kitchen.
Buster knows what he wants.
Seven and a half grand.
But to get it past the council, he has to get a draughtsman's signature.
That's all he needs Giddyeye for.
So Giddyeye is going to sign it? How? In Braille? It's just to cover meself and you.
Look, I'll trust him this time, but I'm telling you, Buster, don't you push me! How did Cathy get on at the clinic? How did you know about Cathy and the clinic? Maria was telling me.
Well, it's private and personal and it's not to be discussed.
They gave her blow-up titties.
It all goes different sizes because she has to decide what size she wants, cos some women are different, you know, you don't want to get Get 'em too long and you're in the shower trying to fuckin' wash them Oh, right.
Is Cathy sick, Dermo? No, she's getting a boob job.
That's none of his fuckin' business.
You're right, Ma.
Buster, you never heard that.
You'll have to speak up, Dermo.
Ssh! You two, don't open your fuckin' mouth.
I don't know where it is.
Oh, hiya, Dermot.
Hiya, Cathy.
Hel-lo, Cathy! Hello, Buster.
I heard you're getting your tits blown up? Buster, out! And who told him? Nobody! But in fairness, you know I suppose.
Would you like a cup of tits tea, love! Tea, cup of tea.
I should have known better than trusting you with a secret.
Well, I meant PG tits Tips! PG tips.
I'm so disappointed with Cathy.
I think she's beautiful just the way she is.
Why, what's wrong with her? She's talking about getting implants.
Don't talk to me, I went about them.
Never been so embarrassed in me life.
I didn't know that.
When? Oh, a long while ago.
Ten years now.
I thought I'd go and ask if implants would be any good.
I was only in there five minutes and he started feeling me jing-jangs.
Well, I let out a scream.
Worst dentist I've even been to.
Winnie, I was talk Oh, it doesn't matter.
I can see where Cathy's coming from, getting a boob job.
It's all down to how you feel about yourself.
Its all about S-E-K-S.
Sex! No, Mrs Brown, Betty's right.
A woman needs good self-esteem.
Does she? When was the last time a man asked to feel your self-esteem, Winnie? No, the world's gone sex mad.
I see young boys now and they're dressing like they're feckin' Chippendales.
I hear young girls now talking like adults, and they're only 12.
I don't remember even thinking about sex at that age.
It's different for men, Maria.
Sex is a big thing to them.
My Jacko can remember the first time he had sex.
He still has the fuckin' receipt.
Hiya's! Hiya! So, what's the conversation? Ah, don't you know? Men and sex.
What do they say? You can't have one without the other.
Yes, you can.
Winnie, you stay away from that tumble dryer.
You know, I'd rather clean me oven than have sex.
Really? Yes.
If I'm going to be on my hands and knees for 15 minutes I want something to fuckin' show for it! No, Cathy, don't order, I have to go home and let Dermot out for a pint.
Come back to my place and I'll open up a bottle of wine.
Great.
Betty? Have you only got the one bottle? What are you smiling at? You know the inflatable titties that Cathy got? Uh-huh.
I'm wearing them! You are not! Here, show me.
There's a gizmo here, takes a second.
Hello, Father Damien.
Mrs Brown.
I just wanted to tell you your Mark was out was out with me today.
Thank you.
Winnie, get the switch! He was looking for a reference from me for his emigration application.
I don't know him that well, but I gave him a good one.
Oh, thank you, Father.
Winnie, for fuck's sake! My pleasure, he's such a fine young man.
He'll be a great loss to the community.
Winnie, do something! Mrs Brown, are your tits swelling? I beg your pardon? It's just that Winnie, do something now! Right then, I'll I'll leave you two with it.
Have you got everything you need? That's nearly everything.
Birth, baptism certificate, stamped letter from the police.
Just a couple of references to get now, send them all off to the Australian embassy.
And that's it.
And when will you know When will you know if you have the visas? A few weeks, I'd say.
Then we do medicals.
That quick? So when do you think you'll be going? No complications, I'd say a few weeks.
Well, I won't lie to you,.
I wish you weren't going.
Neither do I, but I have to do what's best for me family.
Anyway, you can come out and visit.
To Australia? Oh, no, love, nobody out there knows me.
We do and that's all that matters.
Yes, love.
Right, I'm off.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Oh, by the way, what's happening with the kitchen? Buster says he's got a couple of pieces to put in place, before he can give us a quote.
But he'll get back to us.
I'll be here to keep an eye on him for most of it.
See ya.
Bye love.
Hey.
Rory.
Hello, love.
Cup of tea? No, thanks, Mammy.
Have you got anything for a headache? Me head is pounding.
How did the driving lesson go today? Not great.
Mammy, what do you do when a policeman does that? You slow down.
What do you do when he does that? You stop.
And what do you do when he goes, "Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck?" You drive on as quick as you feckin' can! Oh, Rory, sounds like you had a rough day.
I can't get the hang of this parking thing.
Now, the instructor was very nice about it.
He said, "It's OK, I'll get out your side.
" He told me to bring a crash helmet next time.
You'd look stupid driving around in a crash helmet.
No, for him! How are ya? I've got the designs.
Do you know something, Buster? I do - bats always turn left when they come out of a cave.
Do you know, this is very good.
It's perfect.
I just need to make a couple of changes.
Mark and Betty, they're going to Australia.
So fly away, Mark, fly away, Betty.
And it's all going to be good quality.
I'm getting it from that Scandinavian company with the small name.
IKEA.
Lego.
Just kidding.
It is, it's IKEA.
Buster, this is good.
OK, Buster, you have the job.
Ah, thanks, Mrs Brown.
Cancel the Lego.
It's a great idea, a night at the bingo.
Imagine if we won the jackpot? Yes, then maybe Mark wouldn't have to emigrate to Australia.
Mrs Brown, we don't want to emigrate, but what can we do? Cathy is meeting Clown after the bingo.
Do you think he's going to pop the question soon? Oh, wouldn't that be lovely.
Gorgeous.
Excuse me do any of you like Clown? God, no, he's a boring old shit! Hello?! Why would you want him to marry Cathy? Well It's a wedding.
I love a wedding.
And who knows, he might make her very happy.
If he dies at the reception.
Do any of yous have any idea what it's like to live with a man who's a complete bore and has no personality? Tell them, Winnie.
Well Hold on now, Agnes, Jacko does have his moment.
When? April 8th 1985.
When Sharon was little.
Ha-ha-ha! Sharon little! I said to her, "Would you like your daddy to make you toasted soldiers?" And quick as a flash he said, "Daddy won't, but Mammy will.
" Oh, it still makes me laugh today.
And that's what you want for Cathy? So, how do I look? You look lovely.
Stunning.
I'm wearing my tester boobs.
I thought I'd try them out on Thomas.
But I bit Ha-ha! Winnie! Toasty soldiers, I get it now! Shut your fu Here, Cathy, give us a demonstration.
Yeah, show us how it works.
This mightn't be the right time now.
Because I bit Winnie! Hello, Thomas.
What are you doing here? I was just heading out.
Could I have a moment in private? Sure, we'll go on ahead.
Follow us down, Cathy.
C'mon, let's go.
Sit down, Thomas.
I'm glad you called.
Actually, I have a surprise for you.
Oh, shit! A surprise, really? What do you think of this? Look, Cathy, I've been trying to ask you something all week.
I know, it's difficult to get some privacy in this house.
But we're alone now, Thomas, so what is it? Wait Does this turn you on? Well, not really, no.
Go on, Thomas.
Well, Cathy, love is a strange thing.
Yes, it is.
And one can never foresee who or what we will love.
No, we can't, Thomas.
I mean, I never dreamt I'd meet anyone as warm and as gentle as you.
Hiya! Oh, piss off, Rory! Go on, Thomas, warm and gentle is me.
Well, to get to the point, Cathy, I've been offered a wonderful position in a university in America.
That's fantastic.
And I was wondering Yes? Will you m mind my dog for me? Oh, Thomas, I've never even considered marriage and now Your dog? Yes, just for a year.
Thomas, I have been a loyal and faithful girlfriend.
I am an attractive and intelligent woman.
With more to offer than any man knows.
For the last year, I have been a loving and caring partner And now you want me to mind your dog?! I'm not so sure now.
Thomas, good luck in America.
And as for your dog? Why don't you cover him in butter and shove him up your arse! Now get out! Well, it's been a hectic week.
But you know, not everything has to be a feckin' drama.
Cathy's heart is broken, but that can be fixed.
And Rory did damage the car for the driving school, but that can be fixed.
You'd be surprised what can be fixed with a little love and tender care.
And a puncture repair outfit.
OK, I've got to stop stop the fuckin' thing! Stop it! Stop it! Good night!