Mum (2016) s03e02 Episode Script

Oh.
All right, Cath? Oh.
Yeah, good.
Yeah.
We've just seen a wolf.
Oh, OK.
We just saw a wolf, didn't we? Yes.
Ha, don't say it like that.
You said it was a wolf.
Yes.
Absolutely.
It was definitely a wolf.
What else could it have been? A dog.
- Oh, yeah.
- Breakfast? - Um I've got a bit of a hangover.
I'm not sure I'll be eating much.
No, but everyone else will.
Right.
Off you pop.
You know, weighing it all up, I think it might have been a dog.
Of course it was a fucking dog.
- Good morning.
- Sorry, Mum, can't talk, I'm too hungry.
- Morning.
- Morning.
Morning, Michael.
- I've just had a blackberry.
- Oh, nice.
Yeah.
Got it off a bush.
Oh.
- A little bit giggly, wasn't I? - Just a bit.
And then I fell asleep.
- You were fast asleep on the sofa.
- Oh, God! What did I come in here for? Oh, yeah.
Um Hm.
Have you seen my slippers? Well, actually, last night, the really funny thing was you fell asleep on Michael.
How do you mean? Well, we were watching the film and you fell asleep with your head on Michael's shoulder.
- Did I? - Yeah.
Not like you.
Oh, dear.
Everyone saw it.
You think Michael would have moved or something.
- But he just sat there.
- Did he? - Yeah.
- Weird.
All right, Cath? I've just got my wellies off.
Well done, love.
- Thanks.
- What's happened? I've just got my wellies off.
I did it myself.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks, mate.
- Want some of this old meat? - Do you even have to ask? - It was a good night, wasn't it? - Oh, yeah.
Are you all right if I have this? What about this one? - Are you sure? I don't want to - Go for it.
- You all right, babe? - Yeah.
How's the morning sickness? It's great, babe, yeah.
Remember, the pregnancy doesn't last forever, so at the very most you'll feel like this for nine months.
Yeah.
That's really helpful, babe, thanks.
Kiss? No, probably for the best.
Just ate a sausage.
You're doing really well, babe.
Oh, babe.
You're so strong.
Women are amazing.
You got the password for the wifi? Uh, yeah.
It's peter17.
That's peter, all lower case, and then just the number 17.
P Er peter17? Yeah.
E Oh, wow.
Women are so amazing.
God, they're so much better than men.
- Could you stay over there? - Yeah, course.
Sorry.
Could you face the other way? Yep.
No worries.
Maybe you should just clean your teeth, babe.
Yep.
Do you mind if I use your toothbrush? There.
Thanks.
Last night was fun, wasn't it? Yeah.
Jason said I fell asleep on Michael.
Yeah.
You tried banging it? - Er, no.
- Give it here.
Oh.
- It's not that one.
- No.
It's not that one.
Yeah, I got my wellies off.
Just like that.
Did it myself.
It's amazing what you can achieve when you put your mind to it.
- Are you going to take your clothes off? - I'm not getting into the shower with you.
It's a power shower.
No worries, my darling.
You carry on.
Look at me.
If only my dad could seem me now.
Sort of thing he dreamed about, poor sod.
Oh.
Morning.
You need a new toothbrush.
Oh.
What do you mean? I've got one somewhere at home, just can't remember where I put it.
There was a thing on 5 Live about toothbrushes.
Who are these people spending seven quid on a toothbrush? It was funny.
So, apparently, I fell asleep on you.
Yeah.
- Morning.
- Oh.
- Morning.
- Morning.
Did you sleep well? - Oh, no, fuck off.
- Oh.
Sorry.
Sorry, I'm It's my sense of smell.
The antibiotics make it really sensitive, don't they? - In the morning.
- It's one of the many side effects.
Oh, you poor thing.
Would you mind breathing in that direction? Sure.
I'm just going to, um Will you go and get the bag really fucking quickly? Yeah.
So I fell asleep on your shoulder.
I tried to move you off, but you weren't going anywhere.
Dead to the world.
But em Yeah, it was fine.
You were just tired.
- I don't think anyone saw.
- Jason saw Michael! Come see my room.
- Sorry, mate.
- Oh, don't worry.
Nothing you haven't seen before.
Though part of it is bigger than anything you've seen before.
HE LAUGHS I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
It is on the larger end of the spectrum, according to the NHS website.
But not in a weird way.
You wouldn't make a documentary about it.
If you saw it, you wouldn't, like, gasp or jump up and down.
You'd just be like, "Oh, OK.
" That's what most people say, anyway.
What are we talking about? - My penis.
- Ah, I thought we were.
Babe.
Crisps, biscuits, gherkins or popcorn? Biscuits.
Digestives or ginger nuts? Digestives.
- Chocolate or no chocolate? - No chocolate.
- We should keep the bag by the bed.
- Cant talk, babe.
Sorry.
I know exactly how you feel.
If I've mixed my drinks or if I've been in the sun too much, or if I've eaten too much pork Can you shut the fuck up? Yep.
Fireplace.
En-suite.
Dressing room.
- Derek! - Sorry.
Sorry, my beautiful little petal.
I knew she was in there.
Bollocks! Ah, you were excited about showing me the room.
I do this.
I get caught up in the adrenaline.
Hey, there, cutie.
- It's croissants.
- Yes.
I'll come and join you in a minute, my pretty little button.
If you tell a woman she looks nice, she'll forgive you anything.
- I'll remember that.
- Yeah.
Comes in handy.
Yeah, it was all right last night, wasn't it? Yeah, mate.
I love the Transformers movies.
Yeah.
We were just having a goodnight, and Yeah, of course we were.
We were watching a Transformers movie.
Yeah.
And Cathy fell asleep on me.
I know.
That's funny.
Imagine falling asleep during a Transformers movie.
- Morning.
- Yes.
Just getting some air.
- Good book? - Riveting.
If you owned the moon how much would you charge people to look at it? I'm not going to answer that.
40 Pounds.
Wow.
Is that for, like, an annual subscription, or? Per look.
Per look? So, every time I look at the moon, I've got to give you 40 quid? If you want it enough, you'll pay the money.
- What you watching? - Don't know.
Whatever this is.
I think they're trying to buy a house, or sell a house, or maybe they're antiques in it, or a chef.
- I'm not really watching it.
- Ah.
Right.
You doing well with that meat, love.
Do you want any? There's tonnes.
I don't know what you're saying, because your mouth's full of meat! Why don't you cram a bit more in? - You're so funny.
- What was that? Right, then, my darling.
Got my artisinal croissant.
- How's the book? - Riveting.
Has there been, like, a murder yet, or? Plate.
Yeah.
Excuse me.
Sorry, just me, being ignorant.
I was going to eat a croissant off a bowl.
Totally fucking ignorant.
What are you meant to eat it off? A plate, obviously.
What a clown! HE CHUCKLES HE CHUCKLES AGAIN Sorry about that.
Yeah, I was going to say.
Sometimes, I think we could sit like this for the rest of our lives.
We make quite a team, don't we? Me and you.
We could be together forever and ever.
Makes you think, doesn't it? All this England Man and the land.
Makes you want to put down your roots, get a bit of peace in your life.
You meant like a side plate, didn't you? Doesn't matter, Derek.
Bollocks.
Ha, yes, mad, me, falling asleep on Michael.
- Yeah, really weird.
- Yeah.
Did you apologise to him? Oh, yeah.
He was fine with it.
Yeah, I bet he was.
I think your dad would have found it funny.
I think he would have found it weird.
Yeah.
I don't know what Nana and Grandad thought of you.
- I need to go and get the paper.
- Oh, OK.
It wasn't that your breath was disgusting.
- Oh, good.
- Yeah.
Do you know the word heinous? Or the word unbearable? - Yeah, I do.
- Yeah.
You know these things actually block out the heat.
Oh, I know, yeah.
It's terrible.
Mmm.
Thank God it's just antibiotics, and I'm not pregnant or anything.
Yeah.
But the thing is, if it ever happens that I actually do become a mum, not that I'm pregnant, I know I'd be absolutely fine.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I thought it all through.
As long as I get my nine hours' sleep every night, I'll be absolutely fine.
And I went into a NatWest, which makes no sense, because I'm with the Halifax.
Reg had a dream.
- Right.
- And they'd run out of fivers.
Sorry, can I erm? I wanted change from a 20.
All they had was tenners! I couldn't believe it was happening! - Sorry, Reg, can I, erm? - Sorry.
Fiona Bruce was there.
She was livid! She was going to write to head office.
- Sorry.
- Oh, sorry.
I was thinking, we could do some shooting while we're here.
You know, like, pheasants and clay pigeons and that.
I've never killed an animal.
Unless you count running over a dog, in which case I've killed four animals.
Four! It sounds bad, doesn't it? And also, I hate flies, don't I, so Are they animals? God knows how many flies I have killed, hundreds, thousands! There's a thought.
Yeah, that was a decent croissant actually.
I've had better croissants obviously, it was a bit on the crumbly side, but, yeah, all in all, not a bad croissant.
I need to pop out.
Where are you going? Jeff and I had a house near here.
I need to pick up some chattels.
Is Jeff going to be there? Pauline, this is my birthday celebration week.
I think you're so pretty! Need anything from the shop, Pauline? I'm getting my grandad a paper and a Twix.
- I'll have a Twix, yeah.
- OK.
Make it three, and I'll have a Mars bar drink, a Yop and a Lion bar.
- Get me two of each.
- Wow, OK.
Get me a few Lion bars, however many they've got, and whatever Maltesers you can find, I can put them in a bowl.
They sell White Mice, so get me a kilo.
And a family pack of skittles.
Oh, God.
OK.
Wait a minute, a Yop Jason! And he's getting us a Twix? - Huh? - Jason's getting the paper.
And a Twix.
- One? - Yeah.
Oh.
A whole Twix to yourself.
Jesus.
Probably would, as well.
You've locked it.
Give me the passcode.
- She brought it up! - Huh? - Falling asleep on Michael.
- Oh.
Guilty conscience.
Oh, leave her alone.
You want anything to eat? They got eggs.
They've got everything down there.
It's unbelievable.
I'll just have eggs.
Three, four, whatever's left.
Just sling 'em in the microwave, and I'll mash them up.
I hear that's how they serve them at Buckingham Palace.
That was quite a night last night.
Yeah, it was good.
Yeah I'm feeling a bit worse for wear, this morning.
HE CHUCKLES Like being at a stag do, or something.
Yeah, crazy days, crazy days.
No, I was going to say, erm You know, they put dental floss in all the bathrooms.
Have you seen that? I mean, who's got time to floss between every tooth? Do they even know how many teeth I've got? There was a thing on 5 Live about it, was very funny.
- Yeah? - Yeah, yeah, I don't know, I mean, it's Must be something in it.
Pauline's off.
Going somewhere nice? Just getting the paper for my grandad.
Oh, right.
Oh, cool.
Yeah.
Nice.
It used to be my dad's thing, getting the paper in the morning.
Right, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, make sense.
Yeah, luckily I had some paracetamol in the car for the hangover.
- Oh, good.
- Yeah, I was a bit Yeah, I was quite drunk last night.
Yeah, I don't remember anything I did, so, I hope I didn't do anything too silly, or you know, inappropriate, or upsetting HE CHUCKLES Is it all right if I shut my door, mate? Yeah, yeah, of course.
No worries, no worries.
- Do you want any breakfast, Derek? - No, I'm good, mate.
I'm going to make myself some porridge, with almond milk.
Wow! Yeah.
That's so vegan! Yeah, really fucking vegan.
Can I just say, Derek, you're one of the kindest men I've ever come across in the history of the whole wide world.
Thanks, Kelly.
It's OK.
I think you're really nice, as well.
Oh Thanks, Derek.
I feel like I could cry for 100 years.
Oh Jason's gone off to get the paper.
- Good, yeah.
Reggie would wanted that.
- Excellent.
- Saves me the journey.
- Yeah.
Did Jason say anything to you about last night? No, nothing, so I just fell asleep on you.
Yeah, well, no wonder, we all had champagne.
I know.
SHE CHUCKLES You never usually get more than, like, a glass, do you? - If that.
Yeah, yeah, by the time the bottle's gone round, can sometimes be a lot less than that, can't it, yeah.
Bit weird, maybe.
Doing that in front of Jason, and in front of Dave's parents.
I'm sure they didn't think anything of it.
Well, I just fell asleep on your shoulder.
Yeah.
I was just having a nice time.
Doesn't make me a bad person.
Oh, no, of course not! - Cath! Do you remember the lakes? - Oh, yeah.
Well, Mum and Dad would be having a go at me, wouldn't they? I was such an annoying kid.
Such a fat fuck.
And you'd be like, "Leave Derek alone!" Wouldn't you? Well you'd try and sort of hide me in your room, - until Mum had calmed down.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Come here.
Oh, let me just - I love you so much.
- Oh - I don't know what I'd do without you.
- You OK, love.
Do your deep breaths.
I'm trying, but I'm starting to panic.
Right, then.
Porridge! With almond milk! I love almonds! I want to make love to an almond! HE LAUGHS Derek, you're so daft.
- You fell asleep on Michael.
- Oh, did I? I thought you looked lovely together.
And even though you're both sort of like older people, and you were both sort of like on each other, it wasn't even gross.