Night Court (2023) s03e02 Episode Script

1
Previously on "Night Court"
I can't believe Dan might be
your boyfriend's dad.
We're not even positive
they are father and son.
We can trick those guys
into a paternity test, easy.
I'm always looking for a reason
to steal DNA. [CHUCKLES]
No one's stealing any DNA.
We could get the answer in a normal way.
Didn't you date a lawyer
who worked at night court
right around the time
you were pregnant with Jake?
There was a lawyer
and a judge.
Was it a night court judge?
And a magician.
Okay. I'm in. Let's get their DNA.
And just for fun, here's mine, too.
Everybody here thinks that
you're the judge's boyfriend's dad.
You think what?
So, there you have it.
Dan, you might be Jake's dad.
The answer is right here
in this envelope.
It's a lot to process.
Yeah.
Wow! You two even stress the same.
So, which one of you wants to open it?
[CLEARS THROAT]
There is also a third option.
I open it and read the results
like a '90s talk show.
It's always been my dream to be
this generation's Maury Povich.
And not just because I think
Connie Chung can still get it.
Big day for all of us.
I'm going to journal about this so hard
the neighbors are going to complain.
He can't be my son.
I had a vasectomy in 1987.
Although, you know, that medical staff
may have had it out for me.
I had this great joke about them
not accepting tips.
Not even one courtesy laugh.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, my first maybe-dad joke.
Come on, just open the envelope.
Dan, Jake is
not your daughter.
What? Let me see that.
They must have screwed up
and tested my hair
against Dan's DNA.
Why did they have your hair?
Did you think Dan was your dad, too?
Nope. Worse.
I thought you were my brother.
But good news! You're not.
That's too bad. That would have
given you two a bit of an edge.
I can take your samples
down to the crime lab
and have the results in 48 hours.
"Will solve a brutal murder.
Parentheses. Pretty white lady.
Whole life ahead of her."
- Fantastic.
- This is fantastic.
♪
So, possible big relationship
on the horizon for two people
- who are very special to me.
- [SQUEAK]
Hold on. I hear a squeak.
I don't know if it's you or my chair.
[SQUEAK]
Damn it, it's the chair.
I wish my voice could go that low.
Anyway, I thought you might
want to talk it out with someone
who knows a thing
or two about fatherhood.
Wyatt? I'll ask his advice
when I'm looking for a fitted tee.
You know, I remember when I found out
I was going to be a dad.
It's a lot, but 90% is just showing up.
Though, you're just showing up now,
so your percentages will be different.
Let's say 30% showing up,
20% life lessons, 17% holidays.
Is Jake Jewish? Because
their Christmas is like 11 days.
I'll have to rerun the numbers.
Wyatt, thank you so much
for that pep talk.
It was 100% useless.
So, when you say, "I got this,"
that just means nothing?
Hey, Mommy Longlegs.
Word on the street
is you've been smoking
on the judge's fire escape.
Oh, because I'm an ex-con,
you assume that I'm breaking
the rules around here?
That is an outrageous accusation.
So, this ashtray sculpted by a woman
venting her sexual frustration
through clay
that says "Made in Rikers" isn't yours?
You got me.
I also channeled my prison heat
into some very phallic vases.
Well, knock off the smoking.
You don't get a pass
just 'cause you're new.
Fine. I'll stop.
- I don't believe you.
- You got me again. You're good.
First up, the People vs. Bree McKee,
who is charged
with destruction of property
at the Times Square Duane Reade.
Rather than wait for an
employee to open a locked case,
Miss McKee smashed through it
with a walker
from the mobility aids aisle.
I'm not seeing a statement
from anyone who works there.
We're still not sure anyone does.
These drug stores
inexplicably put more things
behind unbreakable glass than museums.
You know, it's easier
to steal a Rembrandt
than to buy foot powder?
I needed a pregnancy test.
And if the condoms
weren't locked up last time,
I wouldn't even be here right now.
So, you might be pregnant.
No wonder she's upset.
She's moments away from finding out
if her life is going to change forever,
and she's told she has to wait.
What if she's not ready to have a kid?
Not everybody is cut out
to be a parent, you know?
Damn! She's 70.
She likes her life the way it is.
Imagine how much worse it'd be
if I hadn't given him that pep talk.
Okay, I'm gonna let you off
with a warning,
because in nine months,
you may be doing hard labor.
Hey-o!
Five-minute recess.
You don't need to take that test.
I can tell you're pregnant
by the shape of your face.
Oh, look, Jake's here
with a face full of hope.
Dan's gonna hate that.
- I got this.
- No.
Hey. What you got there?
Well, since Dan might be my dad,
I thought it'd be fun if I showed him
some of my childhood memories.
There's also a baseball in there,
in case he wants to have a catch.
[CHAIR SQUEAKING]
Why are you doing this to me?!
You know, I think a box
full of tender memories
might be a lot much for Dan right
and you're already going.
- Hey, Dan.
- Oh. Hey, Jake.
Nice weather we're having
here in the courtroom today.
I was thinking the two of us
could go through this box
Oh, Jake.
Dan doesn't want to look
through a box of my old stuff.
Right?
What's with all the crap?
Just a bunch of my junk.
Got a recorder,
pages from a Victoria's Secret catalog.
Hubba, hubba.
You probably thought if those pictures
were a big part
of your sexual awakening,
your dad would want to know about it.
Oh, hey, there's a baseball in here.
Hmm. Does anyone want to have a catch?
Um, you know what?
I'm just going to help
Abby get rid of this crap.
Right.
Stupid, stupid.
Should have brought my mitt.
I know Dan will love Jake
if he just gets to know him.
So, I made a few hundred
flashcards with icebreakers
to get the conversation popping.
"Describe your perfect day."
"What song would pull you
out of a coma?"
"Canada has been attacked
by an aggressive foreign army.
Do you volunteer to fight?"
Great questions, Wyatt.
My answers are Christmas,
"Tubthumping,"
and "Oh, yeah, you bet I'll fight, eh."
Judge, this isn't going to work.
Fathers and sons
don't have conversations.
There's too much risk.
You might say something
you actually mean.
You need a project.
My dad and I restored
an entire 1967 Mustang
and didn't make eye contact once.
I've never felt more loved.
Judge, we're ready to start court.
Hey, Gurgs, what kind of
things do you do with your dad?
My dad and I have a family band
that plays small clubs upstate.
Have you ever heard
of Simon and Gurgfunkel?
Because those were our rivals.
You go ahead.
I'll be right there.
Oh, did you mean this fire escape?
Come in here right now,
or I'll make you eat
that cigarette like a hot dog.
Oh, fine.
This will be my last one.
You might want to get comfortable.
Judge, we have a problem.
You know that defendant
who was accused of trespassing
in the women's changing room
in Bally's Total Fitness?
The guy who's pleading it's fine
because he thought he was invisible?
Yeah, well, he's completely disappeared.
But I'm on it. I got the police
sketch artist to draw this.
Sorry. This.
Gurgs, don't be silly.
People can't turn invisible.
Oh, no. He got away again.
And he stole my protein bar!
Oh, no. Wait. It's here.
Hey, I got your text.
Oh. Excuse me.
You said you needed to see me
about a couple's emergency?
Hey, you said there's some guy
here just giving away paninis?
You know what?
A liar must have stolen my phone.
But since you both are here,
Dan's been having
a horrible squeak in his chair.
Jake, maybe you can help him fix it?
You are a bit of a chair expert.
I don't know about expert.
I put my butt in a chair,
one cheek at a time,
just like everybody else.
You're welcome to try.
Just know that I show my
gratitude without money.
Whoa, Dan, this is a classic.
Oh, a custom mid-century Eames lounger
with convertible armrests?
Oh, what a beaut.
She's a rescue.
She'd been living in squalid conditions.
She was in a man cave
under a dartboard.
Some people shouldn't
be allowed to have chairs.
Fully pneumatic lift.
Did you double the lumbar support?
Baby, it's not even street legal.
Nice work, finding their thing.
[CHAIR SQUEAKS]
I hate to see her like this.
Well, you know, if I had some tools,
we could pop the seat and
see what you're working with.
Hey, Wyatt, do you think we could just
get rid of this old toolbox?
I mean, no one's ever going to use it.
Nope. We'll use them. Yeah.
They're sharing tools.
They're rolling up their sleeves.
I got to call my dad.
♪
Well, that should do it.
Let's wipe her down
and take her for a ride.
Any hardworking boys hungry for paninis?
I'm setting feminism way back.
I know that you set all of this up,
but even your enjoyment
doesn't ruin it for me.
- Jake's a good kid.
- Oh, it's happening!
Okay, you could enjoy it a little less.
I'm just so happy you two
are hitting it off.
Oh, hey, don't forget
we have book club tonight.
Hey, you two are in a book club?
Oh, no, we're not in a book club.
We watch a book club and mock it.
Every month,
a super random group of people
meets in the cafeteria,
and we make up stories
about their lives.
She gives them hopes and dreams.
I give them creepy fetishes.
Hey, you should come.
- Oh, you're inviting Jake?
- Huh?
- To our thing?
- I don't want to overstep
if it's, uh, you know, your thing.
No, no, no, it's not our thing.
It's just a thing we do together.
After we tried dozens of other
things that you walked out on.
But, yeah, it's totally
It's totally fine if Jake comes.
What kind of nutjob would say,
"The less, the merrier," right?
Are you really okay with that?
Because I'm sensing some
"big sister getting jealous
of the new baby" energy.
No, I am happy for them.
I am in no way threatened
by his relationship with Jake.
We're not children.
Whee!
I already know how to ride a chair.
[LAUGHS] Oh, God. That's hilarious.
Alright, now, you tell a joke.
Where have you been?
I've been watching these weirdos alone
like a weirdo.
Sorry. Dan took me tie shopping.
Did you know that 80% of men
are wearing the wrong size tie?
Dan thinks that might be
the source of my back problems.
You went tie shopping without me?
I would have loved that.
I've always in the market
for a lady's wide.
Abby, I told you, my guy
doesn't do menswear for women.
He's confounded by breasts.
Jake, let me get you up
to speed on book club.
You see that lady with the big cup?
We call her Big Cup.
She likes to drink a lot,
but the one thing
she can't swallow is the truth.
And the one in the yellow
glasses, we call Yellow Glasses.
My going theory is that she's pulling
a "Talented Mr. Ripley" long con.
[WHISPERING] She murdered
someone in Italy.
Now you see that guy with the hat?
- We call him
- Hat Guy?
[NORMAL VOICE] Quick study.
You know, who's a really quick study
was that pocket square
sommelier at the tie store.
It took him like a second to nail me
as a two-point-fold guy.
Okay, okay.
It's called book club, not tie club.
- So, can we just
- Dan, Dan, who am I?
[BRITISH ACCENT] You look like
a two-point-fold man.
It's like he's in the room.
Maybe he'll introduce us
again to his weird brother.
Hey, hey, hey, Dan, who am I?
"Follow me to the dungeon of toys."
[NORMAL VOICE] Did you give
the brother a hunchback?
You said he was weird.
Abby, there is such a thing
as punching down.
Oh, look who's back.
Little Miss Goody Two-Lungs.
You got me all wrong, Virginia Slim.
I'm here to congratulate you.
You've won.
Oh, does that mean I'm free
to smoke about the cabin?
After you hear what
my friend Wyatt has to say,
I don't think you'll want to.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, this guy's gonna
get me to quit smoking?
I have a special talent
for ruining things people love.
Case in point
do you like Tom Cruise's smile?
Of course. Who doesn't?
What if I told you something
about it that you can't unsee?
Tom Cruise's two front teeth
aren't underneath his nose.
They're shifted left way left.
No, that can't be.
But it is.
His teeth should start here,
but they start here.
Oh, Wyatt. Such a good guy.
Must be exhausting,
always doing the right thing.
Don't you ever feel
like you need a break?
I don't smoke.
Anymore.
But I saw the spark in your eye
when you looked at this cigarette.
For one brief, fleeting moment,
where did you go?
Was it a semester abroad?
Paris? Madrid?
It was one hot summer in Montreal.
I didn't speak French, but
when Jacqueline took my hand,
everything made sense.
Montreal is waiting
just outside that window.
Goodbye in French, Gurgs.
Looks like you brought
Tom Cruise's teeth
to a cigarette fight.
I got to tell you,
there are so many people
with squeaky chairs out there,
we could start our own repair business.
Yeah.
We could call it Fielding and S
Jake.
Hey, well, listen.
There'll be a lot of time
to think about names
tomorrow at the Yankee game.
Wait. You're taking him
to the Yankee game?
Yeah. Dan got us tickets.
It's bobblehead night.
Whoa!
Bobblehead night?
You've told me multiple times
that promotional items
cheapen the experience.
Ah, I just realized I got to
reschedule an HR meeting.
If you can believe it,
a couple things went wrong
on the Health Department booze cruise.
Oh. Excuse me.
First tie shopping
and now a Yankee game?
I mean, don't you think
you're moving a little fast?
- Don't be jealous.
- Why would I be jealous?
I'm the one who made
this whole relationship happen.
Maybe you're giving yourself
a little too much credit here.
I mean, Jake and I have a lot in common.
Oh, really? You think you have
a lot in common?
Did you know
that Jake is one of those people
that claps when the plane lands?
I forget, is that the sort
of thing that annoys you?
Used to, but landing a plane
in one piece these days
is an accomplishment.
How about this? He cries during movies,
even ones that aren't about sports.
I cry at movies that are not
about sports wars or dogs
and every now and then a noble horse.
Okay, fine, Dan. You've made your point.
He's your favorite,
and you like him better.
I'm just gonna find
a new group to hang out with.
Don't go. They were onto Yellow Glasses.
She will kill you to cover it up.
Hello, Yellow Glasses, Hat Guy, Big Cup,
Snacky Jackie.
Fun icebreaker
Canada has been attacked
by an aggressive foreign power.
Do you volunteer to fight?
Guys, Gurgs just told me.
The paternity test results are in.
I called it!
They really were waiting on DNA results.
I told you, Angry Beard
and Surf's Up Hair
were father and son.
Huh.
- You're not
- In no way, are we.
No.
Just two unrelated men
who went tie shopping
and shared an ice cream.
I'm sorry. I know this wasn't
the answer you were looking for.
Oh, it's okay.
You know, we
we knew it was a long shot.
It was an honor fixing a chair with you.
Yes.
If you ever need any tie
advice, feel free to call.
I'd like that.
And not to get too sappy,
but I hope if I ever meet my real dad,
it's as easy as it was with you.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Just thinking of a noble horse.
- You sure you're okay?
- Yeah.
Now I can hold out hope
that my real dad is Tom Selleck.
Another silver lining
now, we don't have to worry
about your dad walking in when
we're doing stuff on the couch.
And what would he see?
You two holding hands?
Are you guys smoking out there?
No, time traveling to Montreal.
Don't worry, Judge, I came up with a way
to shut down their smoker's
lounge once and for all.
Oh, no need. I don't smoke these things.
I was out there eavesdropping
to get an advantage in court.
But you people never talk about work.
She doesn't speak for me.
I'm going to stay out here forever.
I hope you enjoy it, because
I put a bunch of birdseed
on the fire escape one floor up.
[WINGS FLAP, PIGEONS COO]
Oh, no.
Hey, Gurgs! Gurgs, open the window.
I don't want to smoke anymore.
I don't want to be in Montreal.
USA! USA!
[CHANTING] USA! USA! USA! USA!
Is this seat taken?
Um, I was saving it for my nachos.
But the nacho guy seems
to be neglecting this section!
Thought I might find you here.
You know, I liked it
more than I thought I would.
The idea of being a dad.
I'm not surprised.
You tend to like the things
you're good at.
Mm.
I'm sorry for the way
I acted at book club.
It's just you're really important to me.
Yeah. You're really important
to me, too.
Um
more than you know.
It's funny, thinking that at my age,
you could still learn
something new about yourself.
I love that.
You got to be receptive
to new possibilities.
Look forward.
Oh!
Mother [BLEEP].
Nacho guy's back! Nachos!
Ice cream guy comes by,
I'll get you a popsicle
for that swelling.
Oh, look, you're on the big screen.