Paradise PD (2018) s03e02 Episode Script

1
Well, time to start my day
like every 49-year-old man does.
Checking Kendall Jenner's Instagram.
Hmm. Brushing her teeth in stilettos
and a dish glove.
Oh, so woke.
Kissing a horse
while wearing a red trash bag
Wait a minute. That's no horse.
That's Khloé!
God damn it, get out of the shot, Khloé!
Now, what is this?
An exclusive music festival
for only the most gullible millennials!
With a lineup
that's literally unbelievable:
John Lennon!
Michael Jackson!
Beethoven!
With special guest Falkor
from The NeverEnding Story,
and hundreds of Mr. Belvedere clones,
waiting on you and down to fuck!
Whoa, these targeted ads are getting good.
All taking place in Paradise,
in a mold-ridden, shabby-chic ranch house
owned by Chief Randall Crawford.
What? What is this?
It's Craw-fest, bitches.
Well, what the fuck?
Your festival sucks, man.
There's no food. There's no music.
But there is plenty of bottled water.
You can thank me later, Chief!
There's my boy!
I knew Craw-fest would be lit.
Ja Rule don't attach his name
to just anything.
That reminds me, Ja Rule's
Diarrhea Corks are available now.
Put my head in your booty!
Why is there a camera crew here?
We're doing a documentary for Netflix.
We're doing a slightly worse documentary
for Hulu.
All right, who did this?
Gotcha!
Chief Hancock!
You mean this is another one
of your bullshit pranks?
Yup! I cleared out my 401K
to pay Kendall Jenner
to post my fake Craw-fest video.
Turns out she'll do literally anything
for $250,000.
Check this out!
See?
Hi-ho, Khloé. Away!
Look, y'all gotta stop
following me around.
For the last time, I am not the Kingpin.
That's not what your "I'm the Kingpin"
penis tattoo says.
When did I get that?
One gigantic penis!
Okay, you aren't getting it, so
I am the Kingpin, and I order you to
stop being evil and become
contributing members of society.
Hey, being a regular person is great!
I even gave the mayorship back to Karen.
Look how happy I am.
I have a normal life
with a beautiful wife and son!
Yo, that kid is a real freak show, huh?
Come on, Jerry,
my beautiful, perfect gift from God.
Jesus Christ.
What the fuck happened to you, Chief?
Ah, Kendall Jenner farted in my face
and gave me pink eye.
Well, this show just keeps getting dumber,
doesn't it?
It was another one
of Hancock's bullshit pranks.
I never want to see
that stupid face of his again.
What in the name
of Jesus's tap-dancing taint is that?
This year's prize
for winning Top Cops in the state
is being immortalized in Mount Paradise.
Diamond City is so far ahead,
they're already sculpting Hancock's face.
There is no way
I'm gonna spend the rest of my life
looking at Hancock's fat fucking face!
It's bad enough
that I have to see him and my mom
on his Christmas card every year.
We have got to beat Diamond City
and win that Top Cops award.
Yes! It's about time we took down
those Diamond City dog queefs.
Why can't they just be queefs?
Like dog queefs are worse?
I'm just kidding.
They're worse. They're way worse.
Anyway, the rules
to the Top Cops competition are simple.
Arrests are given a point value
depending on the severity of the crime.
How many points for theft?
Because Hopson stole my Netflix password
so he could watch himself
in that Craw-fest documentary.
The irony is that
after getting all that water,
I wasn't thirsty anymore.
Sucked a lot of schlongs.
No, no, we need real crimes.
Fitz, I'm sure your old Legion of Doom
members are still up to no good, right?
Well, Chief,
I sorta ordered them to go straight.
What? How are we supposed to win Top Cops
if there's no crime in town anymore?
Well,
there ain't no crime on Restaurant Row
'cause that's my patrol beat.
Why'd we assign the fat guy
to patrol Restaurant Row?
'Cause the writers like easy jokes.
There's been a lot of these comments
since the fourth wall got broken.
Dad, instead of trying
to win some competition,
shouldn't we be focused
on rebuilding the town
and dealing with the mutated animals
created by the nuclear blast?
Our police station
doesn't even have a roof!
Shut up, Kevin.
I like the station better without a roof.
Ah! It's a crow-bear!
Attention, citizens.
My Rebuild Paradise initiative
is off to a great start!
Hamilton's grossly overpriced tickets
raised $50,000!
- Right, Bullet?
- That's right.
I appreciate you trusting me
to handle the money.
I'd love to tell you all
about some investment opportunities,
but I'll let my new business partner
do the honors.
Yeah, that money gone.
What? He's kidding!
I'd also like to welcome
all of our citizens
who weren't able to find shelter
during the nuclear blast.
We mutants demand to know
what happened to Gerald Fitzgerald,
the man who did this to us!
What if I said I pardoned him?
I don't know.
I'd probably puke acid in your face?
Oh! Oh, then I did not pardon him.
Fitz is in prison! The worst prison ever.
He's in Arkham Asylum with the Joker.
Jared Leto's Joker.
Oh dear God!
But the point is
we're already rebuilding Paradise
back into the shithole we all loved.
I hear there's even a new doughnut shop
on Restaurant Row.
Frank and Son's Doughnuts.
I can finally be a man you can look up to.
Ah! Our first customer.
And he looks hungry.
Rebel Wilson hungry!
Oh! It smells so good in here!
I'ma have to turn up my insulin pump
just for sniffing.
Unfortunately, I'm on a diet
since I had to start
wiping my ass with a king-size sheet.
Long story short, I'm banned from Kohl's.
Anyhoo, I better just stick to two
uh, dozen.
Yes! That will be 7.99.
Oh! Oh, I see. Y'all are new here.
Okay, so I'm going to explain how it works
down here on Restaurant Row.
Well, you see,
you give me all the free doughnuts
I can hork down my throat,
and in return, I offer my protection.
Protection from what?
From me.
I guess those flippers
are good for making doughnuts
but how good are they
at picking these up?
No! Not the straws!
Stop it! Stop it!
You crazy bastard!
All right, time to scam some white kids,
get Karen's money back.
Hey, white kid,
you want to buy some 100% real,
non-knockoff Pokémon cards?
That card is bullshit.
No, no, look. It's Detective Bullshit.
Get lost!
Oh!
Hopson, what did you just do?
Blew a guy in the bushes.
No, after that.
How'd you get so good at basketball?
Well, I'm so old,
I've had the time to master everything.
Basketball, blowjobs
Okay, really just them two things.
Ah! Take that, straws. I hate you, straws.
Don't worry, son.
Flipperfists are proud men.
There's no way that your father is
going to be pushed around
by some fat cop!
You better just give Dusty what he wants.
You don't know what you're dealing with.
I once owned a candy store
on R-Restaurant Row.
Another beautiful day
where I'm not a cologne-drinking hobo.
Here you are, kids!
A lollipop for Lucas, a taffy for Tiffany,
and a hot tamale for my Mexican friend.
Dusty, please.
I told you I can't give you
any more free candy
or I'll go out of business!
You know what else will put you
out of business?
If someone came into your store
and struck a match and, oh, I don't know,
lit this little jar of Arby farts?
You wouldn't dare.
I'm ruined! Oh well.
I will name you Sprinkles,
and you're gonna live in my asshole.
Mayor, you wanted to see me?
Fitz, we have a problem.
You know those people
you turned into mutants?
Well, they are super pissed.
I sorta told them that you're in prison.
You did what?
It's no big deal. I mean, if they see you,
they'll melt your head with acid barf,
but don't worry,
I got you in
the witness protection program.
Here's your driver's license.
What? My new identity is a white guy
named Beans Stinkwater?
Everyone, Fitz left town
or died or something.
Anyway, I've already replaced him.
Meet Officer Beans Stinkwater.
Oh, Buffalo gals
Won't you come out tonight ♪
Come out tonight, come out tonight? ♪
Buffalo gals
Won't you come out tonight ♪
And we'll dance
By the light of the moon! ♪
Karen, do I have to throw confetti
and sing "Buffalo Gals"
every time I enter the room?
Yes! That's what Beans would do.
So unless you want your head melted
Buffalo gals, won't you come out tonight
Come out tonight, come out tonight? ♪
Buffalo gals
Won't you come out tonight ♪
And we'll dance
By the light of the moon! ♪
Holy shit, this guy's awesome.
Now, since crime is down,
we can only win Top Cops
by baiting people into committing crimes.
Well, fortunately, I came up with
a brilliant master-baiting plan
which took the edge off
so I could think straight
and find a way to entrap criminals.
First up, the mutants hate Fitz.
Beans,
I'm gonna put you in a Fitz disguise
and send you into the mutant ghetto
to arrest 'em
when they puke acid in your face.
Say what, motherfucker?
Hey, good job, Beans!
You already got the voice down!
Meanwhile, we'll need to bait someone
for the non-mutant crimes.
Now, who's got the most punchable face?
Hmm.
"Is that your wife or your bike?
Because they're both hogs."
My wife.
Uh "Your wife seems to like bars.
What's her favorite? Kit Kat?"
Yeah.
Your wife is fat and ugly!
Hey, man,
at least you don't have to fuck her.
I'm the King of Sweden, and I'm lost.
All my riches are weighing me down.
Hey, Kevin, lucky break for us
that the King of Sweden showed up
and was being weighed down
by all his riches.
Wow, they are really nibbling today.
Jerry, don't worry about
what Hobo-Cop said.
Your super daddy
is not going to give in to Dusty!
I'm calling the mayor!
Dusty did what?
Well, that doesn't sound like him at all.
Don't worry, Frank.
I will have a talk with him.
Mayor Karen, you know me.
I'd never do anything like that.
Frankly, I just feel terrible
that Frank misunderstood
my little message of peace and love.
I'm gonna go there right now
and apologize.
Well, somebody's a fucking tattletale!
But I am impressed at
how clean you keep this floor.
Boy, it would be a real shame
if it got messed up somehow.
Well, howdy do? Boy, I sure hope
the health inspector don't show up.
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
I am the health inspector!
Ew!
Is this human dookie?
I'm gonna have to give you an A minus.
You monster!
You win. I give you
all the free doughnuts you want.
Ew! God damn!
I got myself into some weird shit before,
but this is the first time
it was literal, baby.
Mayor, you've gotta help me.
Fitz, are you crazy? What are you doing
out of your Beans disguise?
I'm not.
I'm Beans wearing a Fitz costume.
You really think I look like this?
Chief dressed me like this
and told me to go to the mutant ghetto.
You need to go order him
not to send me down there.
Sorry, I'm too busy
with my Rebuild Paradise initiative.
Here, here. Put on this Karen disguise
and tell him yourself.
Say what, motherfucker?
Good job!
You've already got the voice down.
Why do you have a Karen costume?
When you've been with the same man
for 20 years,
you have to mix it up in the bedroom.
Sometimes, Randall dresses as me,
and I dress as him.
Sometimes we're both Randall
and pretend we're super gay twin brothers.
I have so many questions.
The first one is, is this cum?
Uh, Randall, we need to talk.
Karen! Oh, baby, thank God you're here.
I sent Beans Stinkwater
into the mutant ghetto,
and I haven't heard from him since!
Oh, if anything happens to old Beans,
I won't be able to live with myself.
I'm short on manpower, so I need you
to go into the ghetto and check on him.
Now, Karen, I know what you're gonna say.
"Say what, motherfucker?"
But this is very important to me.
Isn't the mutant ghetto dangerous
for a lady like me?
Yeah, you're right.
You should put on this Chief costume.
Oh, and, Karen?
Wear it home tonight.
I'm hankering for a visit
from my super gay twin brother.
God damn.
Gina, Top Cops report.
Chief, after all the Kevin-baiting crimes,
we are still getting beaten
by those Diamond City dog cunts.
Hey, you listen! My mother has a dog cunt.
You're right. It's horrific.
Looks like it's spent the night
at Michael Vick's house.
I will not lose to that asshole.
Especially after the last prank
Hancock pulled.
How's your steak?
- Haven't even tried it yet.
- Gotcha!
That's not a steak. That's my ass!
Ah, we'll never catch Diamond City
at this pace.
What crime is worth the most points?
Well, it says here
a hate crime is worth 5,000 points.
Yes! Just one hate crime
would put us over the top!
Ooh! We'll turn Kevin into a minority.
Hmm, but which one?
Oh, I don't know, Dad.
This whole thing's giving me acid reflux.
That's it! Jewish! Mazel tov!
Good morning, Mr. Rabbit.
I need you to turn my son all Jewish.
Excellent.
The Jewish faith will give your son
an ethical road map
to living a meaningful life.
The conversion process
will take six months.
Listen, you wascally wabbit.
I need a full Woody Allen,
minus the daughter-wife,
by this afternoon.
I'm afraid I can't do that.
Then I'll do it myself!
Pop quiz!
- What do you Jews do at restaurants?
- Tip?
Complain.
Next question,
what do you do at the doctor's?
Complain?
Wrong!
Steal all the foreskins for their potions.
Now, what's the most popular job for Jews?
Nose.
Ding-ding! Nailed it,
just like you guys did Jesus!
Just one more step, Kevin.
Circumcision, and I found a cheap mohel.
Eh, keep the tip
on ice till I get him
to the emergency room.
All right, Hopson,
time to use your basketball skills
to make me some quick cash.
Follow my lead.
Hey, bros! Uh, he's a 90-year-old man,
and I'm a three-and-a-half-foot dog.
We got two grand to lose. You wanna play?
You're on. We're shirts, you're skins.
Dear God,
it looks like sad Dumbo in clown makeup.
Whoo!
Fuck this!
Jerry, we are not giving in.
We are going to take down that fat man.
If Dusty wants doughnuts,
we're going to give him a doughnut
that even he can't stomach!
Too simple.
Wait a minute!
This is my favorite Ja Rule diarrhea cork.
I told you not to touch it!
You're grounded!
I just hope no one realizes I'm Fitz
dressed as Beans dressed as Fitz
dressed as Karen dressed as Chief.
Who are you supposed to be?
I'm Chief Crawford!
No, you're not Chief Crawford!
You're Chief Crawford's
super gay twin brother.
Yep! You got me pegged,
just like my twin brother.
You know what?
I can't lie to you people.
I feel terrible for what I did.
You're the mayor?
Give me a second.
Gerald Fitzgerald?
Hold on.
Look, everyone! It's Beans Stinkwater.
That was a good one, Beans!
You really got me.
I was about to melt your head.
That's right! I'm Beans Stinkwater.
Buffalo gals
Won't you come out tonight ♪
Come out tonight, come out tonight? ♪
Buffalo gals
Won't you come out tonight ♪
And we'll dance
By the light of the moon! ♪
Well, we've scammed every scrub
in Paradise.
Now, it's time to go after the big bucks.
Hey, Lamar Odom!
Good to see
you're out of your hooker coma.
How about a game of two-on-two
for 30 grand?
A dog flashing that kind of cash
must be a hustler.
I'm responsible with my money.
I only put it in safe investments,
like Ja Rule's cock rings for babies.
Who gonna tell a baby he can't fuck?
I'll tell you what, Lamar,
I'll let you pick my teammate.
Anybody over there.
All right.
- Him.
- Oh no, not the old man!
Nah, man. Him.
Oh! Fuck me.
Okay, that's game.
We won 400 to 0.
What? Really? Shit!
Oh, that montage was very misleading.
Oh, I guess I gotta tell Karen
I lost all the money.
Is that a Detective Bullshit card?
It's the only one I'm missing!
Hey, what do you say I keep the money,
and you keep the card?
Hell, yeah! I'd just spend that money
on whores and crack anyway.
Good morning, Mr. Franklin!
Dusty, I hope you're hungry.
Look at me, Franklin, I'm always hungry.
You think I was born with these tits?
I was.
Good, because we have a surprise for you!
Ooh!
A special doughnut
for little old me!
Ooh! This doughnut's as hungry as I am.
Mmm.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
What the hell did you put
in that doughnut, Frank?
Trying to take me out, huh?
Well, the trick's on you!
My insulin pump goes to Double Brimley.
Wait a minute.
Why is my insulin all yellow and bubbly?
Oh!
You weird little shit!
I'll take your head off,
you twat-sucking
You two don't know
who you're fucking with!
I'm the police!
King Kong ain't got shit on me!
This isn't just for us.
This is for what you did to Hobo-Cop!
Yep, that's what you get
for blowing up my candy store in '72.
What?
I wasn't even born in '72!
Oh Yeah, that's that's right.
And I
I never had a candy store.
What the hell are you doing?
Trying to get into law and medical school
to make Mom proud.
Well, after your stupid bar mitzvah,
there's only a few minutes left
in the competition!
We gotta get you to a place
where no Jew is safe,
like a neo-Nazi bar or Mel Gibson's house,
or-or-or all of Europe.
Sorry, Dad. The sun just went down.
So what? You're a Jew, not a werewolf.
I can't work after sundown. It's Shabbat.
I don't care if it's shaba-daba-ding-dong.
You are gonna get out there and
No! I take my religious beliefs seriously.
Your religion?
This was all fake so I can win my contest!
It's as real for me as it is for Ivanka.
Your beliefs just lost us
the Top Cops competition!
Chief, you're beating up Kevin
because of his beliefs.
That's a hate crime!
Hate crime? That's awesome, Gina!
Five thousand points!
Arrest me! Arrest me!
Why are you ramming
your nightstick up my ass?
Because the writers have an ass fixation.
Ah, goddamn it,
we have got to get that fourth wall fixed.
It's my honor
to present you with this award.
Top Cops in the state.
Ah, screw it.
That's the only award I need.
Congratulations, Randall.
I'll bet you hate that I had them
replace your head with mine.
Oh, you just told them
to replace the head?
And not the rest of the carving?
You mean your mom's still up there?
Wait, what do you mean, my mom?
No!
Me and my son flying to Switzerland ♪
Me and my son at the Hadron Collider ♪
Me and my son
Playing God with doughnuts ♪
Me and my son
Receiving the Nobel Prize ♪
Me and my son plotting a murder ♪
Going to kill a fat man ♪
Me and my son flying to Switzerland ♪
Me and my son at the Hadron Collider ♪
Me and my son
Playing God with doughnuts ♪
Me and my son
Receiving the Nobel Prize ♪
Me and my son plotting a murder ♪
Going to kill a fat man ♪