Parks and Recreation s03e02 Episode Script

There is a crazy flu going around.
Lots of miserable, dehydrated people with high fevers and diarrhea.
And one of those dehydrated, high-fevered, miserable people is April.
Who hates me.
I want another nurse.
Well, there are none.
We're stretched pretty thin right now.
Then, I want a janitor.
They can do what you do, right? Yep.
Nurses and janitors are totally interchangeable.
Except no one dresses up like a janitor when they want to be slutty.
I get the sense that maybe you're angry at me for kissing Andy.
No, I'm not.
What are you talking about? That's crazy.
And that you think it might be fun to take it out on me.
Please don't do that.
Do? I can't do anything.
I'm sick.
My blankets are on the floor.
So, JJ, we wanted to talk to you about the Harvest Festival.
Yeah, I heard you were bringing that back.
Sorry, I haven't been feeling myself.
Well, I'm organizing this huge Harvest Festival and I need at least 80 local businesses to participate.
And normally this is the kind of thing I would love to do.
But, I'm just feeling really tired.
I think maybe my allergies are acting up.
I've already vomited, like, five times today.
We're having a meeting tonight at the Chamber of Commerce and we're going to go over all the details.
And we'd just love if you could come and join us.
Sure.
Anything for my favorite customer.
I bet you say that to all the girls.
Oh, no.
No, actually, you're my favorite.
You spent over $1,000 last year on waffles alone.
Here.
I didn't know what to bring you, so I just got some magazines and lipstick.
Woman stuff.
Thanks.
All my parents got me was that.
Okay, well, I'm not very good at visiting people in hospitals, So I'm going to go.
Hey.
If you see Andy, will you not tell him I'm here? - Okay.
- Because of what happened, I don't want him to think - Stop! Don't want to know.
The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am.
I'm not interested in caring about people.
I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name.
Best friend I ever had.
We still never talk sometimes.
So, we've developed a revenue sharing formula that will hopefully appeal to most business owners, but Leslie.
Go home.
You're sick.
I'm not sick.
It's just allergies.
Come on, guys.
Just let me in there.
No.
You can't come in here.
You're not coming in.
Leslie, you look tired and you're all sweaty.
You look tired and you're all sweaty all the time.
What's your excuse? You want to go there, Jerry? - No.
- Fine, I'm coming in.
Donna, barricade the door now.
Donna, come on.
Just let me in.
Mmm-mmm.
Either go home or go back into quarantine.
I'm not going home.
- Get out of here, Leslie.
- Hit the bricks.
Come on.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
She's germing up all my stuff.
Aw, yuck! Leslie! Ann Perkins.
Hey.
How was your run? Ended with a five-and-a-half minute mile.
My personal low.
I think the pavement in this town is soft.
What's with the mask? Flu prevention.
My body is finely-tuned, like a microchip, and the flu is like a grain of sand.
It could literally shut down the entire system.
My body's like a chip, too.
A potato chip.
No.
Speaking of potato chips, you and I are on for dinner tomorrow, yes? Yes.
Definitely.
I'm super, super excited.
Looking forward to it.
Excellent.
Way to go, buddy.
Way to go.
We've been on a couple of dates.
I really like him.
The problem is he's like a perfect human man.
I can't find one flaw.
There was one time I thought he farted.
But it was me.
I need to find someone to fill in for April.
Now, I know I'm not going to find someone who's both aggressively mean and apathetic.
April really is the whole package.
But I think I might know someone who will be just as ineffective.
Hello, Andrew.
What's new? A whole lot! Check this out.
I just invented it.
Super-straw.
So, just sit here and do your thing.
Do I have to tuck my shirt in? Because, honestly, that's kind of a deal breaker.
Let it fly.
Hey, wait.
Where is April? - Is she all right? - Yeah.
I just gave her the day off.
Would it be weird if I asked for the day off? Yeah, no, it's okay.
I didn't think so.
I'm sorry.
Are you leaving? I thought we had a meeting.
No, we do.
It's just I think it's a little chilly in here.
Are you okay? Your eyes are glassy.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my Is she Is she sick? Are you sick? No.
Yeah! She's sick.
That's why I'm wearing this, and misting myself with hand sanitizer.
I am not sick.
I just have allergies, okay? I took a Claritin and I threw that up, so I took another one.
I threw that up.
And then, I took a third and it stayed down.
I'm getting better.
- All right.
You're burning up.
- You're burning up.
What? I have to get out of here.
I have 2.
8% body fat.
My body is like a microchip.
A grain of sand could destroy it.
My body's a microchip.
- Leslie, go home.
- No, I can't.
I can't go home.
I have to get ready for the Chamber of Secrets.
- Commerce.
- If this meeting does not go perfectly, then the Harvest Festival is going to be over before it begins.
I cannot go home.
Okay, then, who's your doctor? Ann's my doctor.
And she's the most beautiful nurse in the world.
Come on.
Oh, God.
Now, I'm hot.
Now, it's really hot in here.
Okay, well, that's your fever.
Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here, and it says you could have" network connectivity problems".
104.
1.
Leslie, you're dehydrated.
I'm admitting you.
If I was sick, could I do this? - What are you doing? - Cartwheels.
- Am I not doing them? - No.
Look, don't worry.
I've done presentations like this before, and Tom will be with me.
So, you're in good hands.
It's not that I don't trust Ben.
It's that I don't have faith in Ben.
And, also, I'm starting to forget who Ben is.
I'll handle the general outline.
If you want to - Look.
- just jump right in.
The worst thing you can do with an important presentation like this is over-prepare.
- Well - So, I think it's best if I go to the spa.
No, we promised Leslie we'd prep for the meeting.
No, Ben.
You promised Leslie.
See, I never promise Leslie anything.
That way, I never disappoint her.
I try to be considerate.
Well, I am off for a soak and a schvitz.
Arrivederch.
Ron Swanson's office.
Yes, I will transfer you.
I just dropped another call.
I thought you might like a fresh set of pillows.
Are you trying to smother me? Help! This slutty nurse is trying to smother me to death with a pillow! Okay, never mind.
Stay back, slut! I know what she's trying to do.
She's trying to get me to break.
And you know what? I'm not going to do it.
I'm going to be professional and I'm going to put on a happy face.
And then, I'm going to go into a supply closet and snap a bunch of tongue depressors.
Okay.
So, let's talk about your opening remarks.
Do you want me to write you a rap? I'll write you a rap.
No, you know what? You're never going to be able to pull it off.
You're too white.
How about a show tune or something? I was just planning to introduce myself, non-musically, and then, get everyone to refer to their packets.
- And blah, blah, blah.
- No.
No "blah, blah, blah", okay? You need to go over every single detail with me.
Leslie, I promise you I won't half-ass this.
Okay? Now, get some rest.
I have some great news.
I think my fever just broke.
Goodbye.
It just came out.
I am starving.
I haven't had lunch since yesterday.
So, I'm going to head over to Callahan's.
Oh, no, no, no.
Don't go there.
They totally skimp on pickles.
Let me go to Big Head Joe's for you.
They have the most insane burritos.
I don't much go for ethnic food.
No, trust me.
They have one that's called the "Meat Tornado".
It literally killed a guy last year.
You had me at "Meat Tornado".
What are you doing? Hey.
That flu medicine really helped.
I feel a thousand percent better.
Good as new.
Does this scarf look okay? I don't want to look stuffy.
But I also don't want to look too "schlubby".
- Get back in that bed.
- So no to the scarf? Get back in the bed.
No, I'm going to that meeting.
Either you get back in the bed, or I will strap you down.
I've done it before.
Don't test me.
Okay, okay, okay.
Now, what superpower would you rather have? Would you rather be able to fly or be invisible? Ed, go first.
Fly, I guess.
I forgot to tell you.
You can only fly five feet above the ground.
I bring a certain panache and spice to the spa experience for these guys.
Before I joined, they were just three old white dudes quietly boiling in hot water.
Would you rather live in the pocket of a giant kangaroo or have a pocket on your own stomach that has a tiny kangaroo in it all the time? Preston.
Tiny kangaroo in my stomach pocket.
Forgot to mention, the tiny kangaroo is a racist.
- Hey, Ann.
- What happened? I just saw you a few hours ago, and you were fine.
Not like, "Damn, you're fine," but fine health-wise.
My body has no fat to protect itself from disease.
Things happen very quickly.
Listen to me.
It's very important that you replenish my body with electrolytes after every involuntary loss of bodily fluids.
- Oh, boy.
- My body tends to lose a lot of fluids when it's sick.
My brain is on fire.
I'm dying.
Well, you definitely have the flu.
Oh, my God.
The microchip has been compromised.
Pierre Garcon was a sixth-round pick.
Collie was the fourth round.
Indianapolis Colts know how to draft so well.
They really do.
Andy, this was delicious.
It's awesome, huh? It's a whole new meat delivery system.
Thank you, son.
What do you say we go out to the parking lot, run a few pass plays to burn off the calories? You are an unstoppable good idea machine! I like Andy.
I'm surrounded by a lot of women in this department.
And that includes the men.
Hup, hup, hup! Peyton Manning reading the defense! Reggie Wayne, Colts corner! Andy, wait up! Hey, April.
I saw that you called for me.
What can I do for you? I need more flu medicine.
An actual request.
Well, you can't have any.
That stuff is powerful, no extra doses.
I didn't take any.
Leslie came in here and stole it and left.
Leslie? Leslie! Hey, have you seen Leslie? I had a dream that she came into this room, stole my flu medicine, told me not to tell you, and then disappeared through that hole in the wall.
The door? Maybe we should get, like, a suite here for them, okay? Ben Wyatt! Hello! Hi, Leslie.
- Good to see you.
- You, too.
Wow, you're really burning up.
Can I get some money for the cab that I took over here, please? Sure.
How much? I'm not sure.
I looked at the meter, and it had Egyptian hieroglyphics on it.
- Wow.
- Do you know the exchange rate? So should we do this? Oh, boy.
Hold on.
- Be careful.
- What? The floor and the wall just switched.
Okay.
Walk very carefully.
You know, I find it a little insulting that you don't trust me to handle this.
It's not that I don't trust you, okay? It's just this Harvest Festival is my project.
It's my career on the line.
And I just need to make sure that I've done everything I can to make it work.
Okay.
It's show time.
Okay.
Good evening, everyone.
I'm Leslie Monster.
And this is Nightline.
- Okay, I wouldn't open with that.
- No? - Why don't we sit down.
Okay? - Yep.
Libertarianism is all about individual liberty.
And it should never be defined by the terms "liberal" or "conservative.
" - And communism is no good, right? - That's right.
Big swing and a miss.
And what's the word for when a few clerics are in charge? Religious oligarchy.
Holy I can remember things.
I guess.
Hey, keep mine rare.
A man after my own heart.
I vomited somewhere in this room.
I don't remember where, though.
Wait.
You might want to check that drawer.
Stop pooping.
You have to get up off the floor now.
This floor is my friend.
Nothing like a complete physical breakdown to make a guy seem less intimidating.
I love the flu.
And then I said, "You know what? "I think we need to get these bananas out of here.
" Have a seat, boys.
Oh, hey, Tom, glad you could make it.
You have a nice day with your spa buddies? Actually, yes, Ben, I did.
And my spa buddies own a couple of car dealerships in town, and they've agreed to donate a fleet of vehicles for Harvest Festival, twenty-five vans for the entire event.
Okay, Tom, I'm ready.
Get up there and introduce me.
You got it.
I can't let you do this, Leslie.
Hey, this ain't your call, McCluskey.
Hey, Ron, can I ask you a question? Sure.
It's about April.
I don't like to get involved in people's personal I hurt her feelings, and now she's pissed at me.
I feel like if I could just explain myself, she'd understand, but she's avoiding me.
It's making me miserable.
April's in the hospital, sick with the flu.
What? I knew it! I didn't know that.
Is she okay? Yeah, she's fine.
You can go visit her tomorrow morning.
But don't tell her I told you.
I won't.
- No, no, no.
- Nope.
Okay.
Before we get started, a quick announcement.
Every Thursday night is ladies' night down at the Snakehole Lounge over on Burnham Avenue.
Ladies get two drinks for the price of one.
Oh, no, that can't be right.
That's way too good of a deal.
Nope.
That is what it says.
Wow.
That sounds like a fun time.
Anyway, it is now my great honor to welcome to the stage the woman responsible for the entire Harvest Festival.
Ladies and gentlemen, Leslie Knope! Every one of you, just by showing up here tonight, has already made history.
In days past, the Harvest Festival was the cornerstone of Pawnee's small-business community, a weeklong showcase for everything from textiles to small farms.
By our estimates, as many as 30,000 people might attend the festival, and the monetary value of that kind of direct customer-to-business exposure is, frankly, incalculable.
What? Three, two, one.
And my shift's over.
What the is your problem? Whoa, I thought you weren't gonna lose it.
While I was on duty, I didn't.
Now it's just me.
I get that you're mad that I kissed Andy, okay? But it was a moment of confusion, and it was a mistake.
And I'm very sorry.
You want to hate me forever? - Okay.
- Fine! You know what? I don't care.
But you shouldn't take it out on Andy, because he really likes you, and he did nothing wrong.
And just for the record, I'm starting to hate you, too.
That's the most I've ever liked Ann.
The time is now.
The place is Pawnee.
Let's make history.
- Thank you.
- That was amazing.
That was a flu-ridden Michael Jordan at the '97 NBA finals.
That was Kirk Gibson hobbling up to the plate and hitting a homer off of Dennis Eckersley.
That was That was Leslie Knope.
Thank you so much.
Any questions? Yes, sir? Are we going to get the same sales-tax incentives we used to? That's a very good question, sir, and I would counter with my own question, which is, why is half of your face all swirly? Okay, unfortunately, Leslie has another very important meeting right now.
So if you have any other questions, you can just direct them towards me.
Give it up, everybody, for Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap.
All right.
Okay, let's Excuse me.
And to answer your question, sir, there will be sales-tax incentives this year.
I think I should drive you to the hospital.
Was I wearing a tiara when I came in here? Because if you happen upon it, will you have Lady Pennyface retrieve it and send it post-hence? - Oh, hey.
- Hey, there.
I got you some waffles here, courtesy of JJ's diner, and chicken soup, courtesy of me.
- I'll take the waffles.
Thank you.
- Okay.
So how did the rest of the meeting go? Well, you said you needed eighty total businesses to participate.
Yeah.
We have 110, and counting.
So, nice work, Leslie.
Nice work to you too.
Left the chicken soup there, just in case.
It's an old family recipe.
It's not a big deal, but - Thank you for that.
- Okay.
Hi, April.
It's me, Andy.
Just stay sleeping.
I am going to be here when you wake up.
I will not leave your side.
You could be asleep for hours.
Maybe I'll come back later.
Hope you feel better.
Okay.
And I know you think that I'm a jerk, but I hope you can forgive me.
Gross.
Your forehead is all sweaty.
That's gross.
But I still like you.
Okay.
That's disgusting.
Got your message.
What's up? I got a call from the boys upstairs.
And they have a new assignment for us.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
And I feel like we should ask for an extension to stay here.
Yes, definitely.
You know, the festival thing's getting pretty huge, and a couple loose ends that need tying up.
Good, so I'll make the call then, to get the extension? - Yeah, they need our help.
- For the loose ends.
- Great.
- Good.
Okay, you need a ride back to the office? No, no, I'm gonna go for a light 15k.
I missed yesterday.
Way to go, buddy.
Way to go.