PhoneShop (2009) s03e02 Episode Script

You know who I saw yesterday? That girl you went out with, Deanne.
Uh, Deanne? Don't do this.
You know who I'm talking about.
Deanne with the dog.
She had a dog? Deanne.
Deanne with the dog.
Deanne with Er Did she work in Zara.
Yeah.
Ah Yeah, that's right, Zara.
Yeah.
Deanne, with the dog.
Ohh Deanne with the dog? She did have a dog? Yeah.
You chat to her, like? I wouldn't bother.
Waste of time, really Yeah.
Hmm? We had a good chat.
Yeah, it's nice to chat, innit? You run into someone, see someone, and you just chat.
You know what I'm like, man.
I love chattin', innit? I'm a known chatterbox, like, just You finished with her, innit? Did I? Wow.
It was a long time ago, you know? It's like Oy.
I was but a boy! It was a year and a half ago.
Really? That? Yeah.
Wow.
She said that you finished with her cos YOU thought that YOU might be gay.
What? Yeah.
And that YOU was in love with ME.
What? She said that?! Yeah.
And that I, me, Jerwayne, felt the same way about YOU.
You going to believe that? Come on, man, bruv! She showed me the text you sent.
She still got that, yeah? Yeah.
Bruv, I don't business how you get rid of your business.
But when that kind of business, businesses my business, that ain't good business for manaman like me to have.
You understand? Now you better act like Marvin and tell me what the fuck is goin' on, cos you bust some protocol wide open.
You smashed the emergency glass.
You played the gay ting without prior consultation! The gay ting, bruv! Now, you and I both know, in light of the Great Ayia Napa Bedroom Misunderstanding of summer 2005, that we would always, always, ALWAYS let each other know if one of us was going to play the gay ting, yeah? Hmm.
Look, it It's kinda hard to explain, bruv.
Bruv, you'd better start explaining, cos I got a whole bunch of Zara girls that won't even check me, cos they think that this businessman is operating in different territories to them, you understand? Ash, it's been a year and a half, bruv! I started to believe that I'd lost what God gave me, you understand? Bruv, it was the Bruv, it was the It was the dog.
What?! The dog? What, manaman's scared of a dog? Nah, it ain't like that.
Look, it I suppose the dog kinda had The dog, I suppose, it had, like, FEELINGS for man, innit? The dog had feelings for you? Ssh, ssh, bruv! Is that what you're sitting there telling me? That the dog had feelings for man? SSHHHH! That's why I didn't want to say anything, innit? Every time I would go round there, yeah, the dog the dog would be very PLEASED to see me.
Pleased to see you how? The dog would be, like, VERY pleased to see me, you know what I mean? Pleased to see you how? Just, like VERY PLEASED.
Pleased how? Like, pleased in the most obvious way you can be pleased.
Pleased how? Whenever I saw the dog, yeah, the dog would have a Huh? The dog would have The dog would have The dog Bruv, the dog would have an erection? Tell a few more people, that'd be so helpful for me.
Thank you so much! You're welcome, bruv.
Apparently, the dog had a ting for man.
So man says.
Well, they can be very jealous, dogs.
Loyal but jealous.
I know from experience, you don't want to tackle a dog with an erection.
No.
I once saw a dog knock over a jug of Apple Tango with its erection.
I've not genuinely enjoyed a picnic since.
Ashley, you all right, mate? He's your best mate, yeah? Fall out with him over a woman.
Fall out with him over a poker debt.
Fall out with him over a confused and ill-judged kiss in the queue at Abrakebabra after the Christmas party, even though all the signals you got were telling you, "Go for it! "Go for it! It's what he wants.
"It's what you both want.
" But don't fall out over a dog.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Good lad.
Now, we're going to have to find out what made the dog behave like this.
So, I'm going to ask you a few questions Bruv, do I have to? Ash, you had a problem.
Instead of dealing with that problem yourself, you selfishly took that problem and you passed it to me! I didn't want a problem! I didn't ask for this problem! Now, I got a big fuckin' problem! Do I deserve this problem? Do I deserve this problem?! No.
No! So, with the help of your friends and colleagues here, people who care about you, we're going to attempt to solve YOUR problem so we can solve MY problem and I can get back to where I should be in the world of Zara-level pum-pum, you understand? Now, how did it start? It was when we was about to go to bed one night, yeah? I'd just come out the shower and felt someone starin' at me, you know like when you feel like you got eyes on you? And at first, I thought it was Deanne, but she was still in the bathroom, so, like, I turned and looked, and when I looked, the dog was, like, spread off, just, like, lying there at the bottom of the bed, just starin' at me with his Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the dog doin' in the bedroom, bruv?! What's wrong with white people?! Why is there a dog in the bedroom?! It's a pet, Jerwayne.
Oh.
Oh, OK, so you'd keep, like, a swan or a veal in your bedroom, is that what you're telling me? Exactly! That's why it stays in the yard! No, but it's different with a dog.
I always let Matthew Whoa, whoa! Who the fuck is Matthew?! It's our dog.
Why has he got a human name?! What the fuck is wrong with you people?! White people and animals, boy! You lot do that thing with food, innit? You put the food between your lips and you let the dog take it out of your mouth? "Here, boy! Here, boy! "Come and get the sausage! Come and get the sausage!" "Ahhh! He's ever so gentle!" Fuck, yeah, he's gentle! You know why? Cos he's been lickin' himself out two minutes ago! Jerwayne, have you finished? I'm sorry.
I apologise.
Right, Ashley.
Did the dog see you naked? No! Slow down, it's not a race.
Take your time.
You'd just got out the shower.
Maybe you were lost in the moment, giving yourself a brisk all-over towel down We've all been there.
When the towel's a bit rough? "Ooh, that chafes! "Fuck!" Basically, you've over-pampered, given yourself an erection, that's what the dog's seen.
Are you dizzy, bruv?! Think about it.
Dog could've had a copycat erection.
I'm not proud to say I once got turned on after seeing two dogs locked together on the central reservation of a German motorway What?! Yeah.
I had to pull off on the hard shoulder.
Sit over there! I was just getting into that.
Hi.
How are you feeling? Fucking ridiculous.
Don't worry.
That's normal.
We're here to help to heal you, all right? So, did you touch the dog at any point while you were naked? No! Was the dog an observer during the act of lovemaking? No! I don't know It was or it wasn't, bruv! It could've been.
I'm a professional, I concentrate on the game, not the crowd.
Oh, I'm the other way round.
I'm all about the crowd.
At least with football they only throw coins at you.
Still, that's woodland car parks in Surrey for you.
Stay well away.
Yeah.
I had to wash the car twice after that.
Knew I should've got it waxed.
It just slides off.
Simple.
Now my paintwork's fucked Did you sense the dog's presence near you at any point during the lovemaking session? Maybe the sensitive sweep of a paw across your glutes? This is ridiculous! Bruv, I can't do this, man.
Wait, you said I could have a go.
Let him have a go.
Look, Ash, I ain't been getting any business out of Zara for a year and a half.
A year and a half, bruv! Bruv, I've started to slow down when I walk past Primark! How does that make me feel?! OK, Ashley.
How do you feel you got on with the dog? Fine.
It's a dog.
It's just there, innit? Stroke it, take it for walks, pretend to pick up its shit.
So, did you walk the dog much? Yeah, a few times.
When me and Deanne first got together, I was tryin' to impress her, we'd walk him and I'd be like, "Oh, he's brilliant! Oh, so clever! "Look at him walkin'! Wow!" I was just doing that textbook PTI shit, innit? PTI? Pretending to be interested.
You'll find that no-one does it to you.
Fucking Right, so, who would put the lead on him? It wasn't a lead, it was like, erm like a harness thing that goes over the dog and then you fasten it Oh.
Go on.
The first time I took him out on my own, I tried to put the harness on him.
I'd never done it before, and, like, it was quite hard to do, cos you had to get both legs through it, and as I got one leg through, the other leg come out, and then, as I tried to get it back in, my hand, like, slipped and reached through and rubbed right across his ball-bags And how did he react to that? Do you know what? I swear down, he winked at me.
Ooh.
Shit me.
Boom.
Bruv, the dog ain't bad.
It's what you've done to the dog that's bad.
I ain't done nothin' to the dog.
You led the dog on.
You can't do shit like that to a dog.
If you had a dog, you should have that dog taken off you.
Bruv, I didn't lead the dog on.
Why would man lead dog on? I dunno.
Maybe you like dogs, innit? Serious.
I'm tellin' you.
That dog was like was like a sex pest, bruv.
Every time I was there, I'd look over, the dog'd be lookin' straight at me and you know Be Like that.
Every time.
I'm scarred, actually.
What and Deanne didn't think it was weird that you was givin' her dog a boner? Bruv, I never give the dog a boner! That dog was clever.
I swear.
He made sure she never saw it.
Classic abuser strategy.
I swear down that dog had crafty plays all day long you know.
He made it feel like it was all my fault.
Come, we gotta go.
What? Where we goin'? Meetin' Deanne after work.
What?! You got something you need to clear up with her, innit? What? I can't do that, bruv, come on.
What if the dog's there? She ain't going to take the dog to work, is she? You don't know that.
The dog used to go everywhere with her.
Bruv! This was like a year and a half ago, yeah? Yeah? Bruv, the dog might not even be round no more, you get what I'm saying? Like, a year and a half in dog years is like It's somethin' like Carry the six divide by ten add 12.
85 human years, bruv.
85 human years.
Is it? Yeah.
And, bruv, every time I mentioned the dog, my girl seemed upset.
Bit emosh.
Really? Really.
OK.
But if that fucking dog's there, you're just going to have to take over.
I can't handle that.
I ain't going to be there, bruv.
What? Where you going to be? Bruv, I gotta meet the Zara girls.
I got a reputation to restore.
Cos Zara's got to get got.
How are you? Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
How are you? Yeah, fine, fine.
How's everything good in your world? Haven't seen you for a while.
Since the text.
I saw Jerwayne yesterday.
Yeah, yeah.
He said.
Is everything all right with you guys? He didn't seem very happy.
Oh, yeah, fine.
You know what we're like - we argue sometimes, you know.
I thought you might have split up? What?! Have you split up? What? No! No That's That's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about really.
Erm, so what I wanted to say was, like Mm-hm? Was How's the dog? He's gone.
I lost him about a year and a half ago.
Not long after I lost you.
Aw when you say you lost him, just to clarify, how do you mean? You lost him, you can find him or dead? I can't believe he's gone.
Oh, my God, and Jesus the son of God also, and all the angels and the saints, I loved that dog.
I swear I loved that dog.
He loved you.
I know.
He loved you.
I know.
I loved him too He loved you so much.
I know, I loved him so much too.
You was brave, wasn't you? Yeah.
I think he died of a broken heart after you left.
There was a light in his eyes that just went out.
Oh, shit! Oh, Deanne! Deanne, Deanne, Deanne, Deanne Deanne.
So, what do you think? Oh, my God! Turn around.
What do you think? Look at your bum, babe.
Wow, you just want to grab it, know what I mean? That looks criss on you.
Such a beautiful line, you know what I'm sayin'? It makes her look thinner, innit? Check him out.
He's so good with clothes, isn't he? Tell me a gay man who isn't.
Ha! Listen, while I got this opportunity to talk with you, I want to, how can I say, clear up somethin' what's probably a bit of a misunderstanding Basically, people been going round saying Listen, Jerwayne, Jerwayne Really quickly before you get into that.
Me and the rest of the gals are having a bit of a get-together tonight at mine and Shondra's - we're only having an Ann Summers party! Fucking front door! I literally can't wait.
Girls' night in, couple of bottles of Amarula, a few nibbles, loads of giggles.
And listen, listen someone gets to go home with a 50 Shades Of Grey souvenir buttplug! What am I like? I'm so naughty.
So fucking naughty! What do you think? Do you fancy it? I would really love to but I'm supposed to be out tonight helping to organise costumes for the, er, Gay Pride thing.
I know.
Oh, no! Do you know what? Can I just make a quick phone call, yeah? I can't make any promises, OK? I'll see what I can do.
He's so cute, in'he? Listen, all this stuff about being gay I think there's been a bit of a misunderstanding about that, cos, like, I was probably a little bit confused and I was on some like mad heavy antibiotics at the time, and a lot of stuff was happening in my life You still got the same ringtone? That's just a joke.
Childish things.
You should get it.
Nah, it's probably nothin'.
Don't be stupid - you should talk to him.
Bruv.
We're still gay.
What?! We gay.
Don't say we ain't gay.
If she asks, hey, we're still gay.
Listen, I gotta go.
Can't stay.
Stay Gay.
Bruv, bruv Are you OK? Is he all right? Yeah Awww, do you know what? I loved that dog.
Oh, God.
I can't believe he's gone.
I can't believe it's cut you up this much.
Just to think that I'll never see him again, just lyin' there lookin' up at me with that big old face of his.
Don't.
You're going to get me going again.
Oh, no, no, honey child.
Ashley, would you do something for me? Yes, Deanne, of course I will.
What's that? It's him.
It's his ashes.
Right OK What am I like? I take him everywhere with me.
Some things never fuckin' change, innit? Knowing how much he loved you, I know he'd have liked nothing better than for you to spread them for him.
Right! Who wants cocktails? I knew it.
What time tonight, ladies? Nine o'clock at mine.
Who you bringing? What? You going to bring Ashley? Oh Um What, are you guys not together no more? We'd heard a rumour, but Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Er.
Yeah, it didn't work out, you know? I'm still pretty cut up about it, actually.
He was my rock.
Oh, you're so brave, Jerwayne.
Yes.
Yes, I am.
This is one brave sister.
And this is going to get some cocktails.
He loved this place.
I dunno why.
Whenever I'd take him out, he'd stop here for ages.
It took all my efforts to get him to shift.
I'd always have to give him a little tug outside of here! Would you? Yeah, of course.
Do I just, like? Would you mind saying a few words? Er, yeah.
Dearly beloved.
For what we are about to receive We are gathered here today to mark the passing of a dear, dear friend I can't.
I can't.
Are you all right? Oh, God, I thought I'd be all right, but I'm not.
I'm going to take a walk round the block.
I'll come with you.
No.
Please.
Just do it.
I'll be OK.
I promise.
Are you going to be long or? Do what you got to do.
Do what you got to do.
Babe, I think you need to try this on.
This would look so amazing on you.
Sexy.
Oh, are you sure, it's a bit small.
Babe, you can always go a size smaller, honey.
That's stepping out, that's where it's at, girl.
All girls here.
We're just trying it on.
Everybody, but especially Jerwayne, this is Bruce.
Hey, Jerwayne, so nice to meet you! One of these and another one.
Listen, mate, I've been workin' this for the last three months.
Keep your hands off Monique.
she's mine, yeah? OK.
Oh.
I could murder a cocktail.
What have you got? Lovely.
So lovely.
But let's just try this on first, you know.
So.
What do you think? Ashley, may I introduce you to Son Of Dick! I couldn't wait for you to meet him.
Isn't he wonderful? He's a wuvverly big boy just like his daddy.
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