Playing House (2014) s03e02 Episode Script

Wow She's really Jackson Pollocking with that yogurt, huh? Oh, yes, Charlotte's very creative.
- We've always known that.
- Yeah.
But do you think we should be teaching her how to use a spoon? You know who else played with their food? Barack Hussein Obama.
Oh, my God, it's Bird Bones.
Hide me.
Ooh, body be banging even in a red suit.
Maggie, Maggie, this is serious, okay? We gotta get out of here, so take the baby, leave the yogurt.
Let's go.
Why? What did you do? I didn't do anything.
I just I haven't seen her since Mark and I got together.
But you told her, right? Called her or something? Mark told her, and I drafted a few texts that were like, "Hey, we good?" You drafted texts that said, "We good?" - Emma, it's been a month.
- I know, and if she sees me, then she's gonna think I've been avoiding her, so can we please just go? It's gonna be tough stuff for you, huh? Maggie, don't teach me a life lesson.
- Oh, Tina! - Hey, girl.
Hey, Maggie.
Hey, Emma.
Hi, Charlotte.
You all look great.
Well, you look great, and look great, and, Charlotte, you look great.
We are all doing great.
- Um.
- Do you want to tell her something? She wanted to talk to you.
- Go ahead.
- Um, hey, Tina, - I meant to reach out - Oh, about you and Mark? Please, I am happy for you both.
One man's trash is another man's treasure.
I mean, not that Mark was trash, but, you know, our marriage - was for so long.
- Hey, Tina, what's up with - the red suit? - Oh, uh, it's a It's a business suit 'cause I'm in business now, - so, taking care of business.
- What kind of business? None of your business! Bye.
I feel like we were just assaulted.
That was weird even for Bird Bones.
- I wonder if she's okay.
- Yeah, I guess - we'll just never know.
- Stop by her house.
- What? - Why would we do - something like that? - Oh, we're not doing anything.
- You are.
- Why? Because you owe it to her after not sending all those drafted texts.
Okay, I'm gonna go, but I'm taking Char-Bar with me.
You're not using my child as a human shield.
- Please? - That's where I draw the line on this friendship.
GhostedNet All of time stood still Ooh, do do do do Back before we were brittle Back before we were brittle God, I'm freaking out.
Look at my armpits They're like swimming pools.
Aw, Jeff, we got this, okay? We've nailed every other rotation.
How bad can one guy be? Dr.
Ericson? Really bad.
- No.
- One false move, and he gives you a bad recommendation, and then it's urology - for the rest of your life.
- Okay, he's just a human man who also happens to be a doctor.
You know they call him Dr.
Freeze 'cause he's so cold? Well, that's not a good nickname.
It should be something like Ice Ice Baby or - Snow Pesci.
- Yeah, or Snowpra.
Snowpra's favorite thing.
You get a bad recommendation, and you get a bad recommendation, and you get a bad recommendation! Ah! - Are you two with me today? - Uh-oh.
Keep your heads down.
If you have any questions, do not ask them in front of the patients.
The patients come first.
That's what she said.
Sorry, did you say something? No, sir, I did not.
'Cause I thought I heard you say, "That's what she said.
" Who were you talking about? Did you say something? I didn't.
It's just I think he was making the old American joke.
You know, "That's what she said.
" That's what she said.
Right, so no one actually said anything? Uh, that's right.
We have a lot of work to do.
Keep up.
- Oh, God.
- I'm so cold.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
Jeff.
- Hi, Teens.
- Oh! Oh, hey, Emma.
Tina, I feel really horrible that I haven't called.
I just wanted to make sure there's not - any weirdness about - No, no, I'm - I'm happy for you both.
- Really? - Really.
- Oh, good, that's a relief.
- Okay.
- Um, Tina, this is - a lot of boxes here, huh? - Yeah, well, thank goodness for the RAV4, and its spacious cargo capacity, not to mention the fold-flat second row.
Yeah, the RAV4 is a phenomenal vehicle.
Um, what's in these boxes, Tina? - Are you QVCing again? - No.
- These are for my new business.
- Tina, you can't keep just saying "business.
" What's going on? Look, now that I'm single, I want to have a career.
You know, like you used to have.
Oh, okay, well, I did just plan a "Hamilton" themed bar mitzvah, which was very well received.
- 1776 - Well, anyway, and then, a few weeks ago, this woman came up to me, and she said, "Have you ever considered selling Illuminage cosmetics?" And she pressured you into buying all this inventory? She called it the "Quantum Package.
" Tina, this is a pyramid scheme.
Like cheerleading? No, not at all like cheerleading.
All right, um, how much of this have you already sold? Zero.
Zero Quantum Package.
Okay, I don't want you to worry because you've got.
Shark Tank over here, all right? There is nothing, and I mean nothing, that I cannot sell.
Now, are these boxes all that we have to get rid of? Um, well, there's this.
And this.
Oh, Teens.
This is too many boxes.
Okay, Jeff, tell me about Mr.
Linley's vitals.
His vitals are good.
His heart rate is slightly elevated at 110.
And should I be worried about the elevation? - Yes.
- No.
- Maggie, why? - Because it's probably just post-op pain combined with the exertion - of his walk around the floor.
- Correct.
Good, thank you.
Okay, let's see.
Jeff, can you make that noise go away, please? - I'm on it.
- Thank you.
Sorry, Mr.
Linley, where were we? So yes, you You passed the stone.
There's no infection.
That's good news.
Jeff, I really need that beeping to stop.
I'm working on it, Doctor.
Now, unfortunately, the ultrasound did pick up other gallstones, and that's why we've had to remove your gallbladder.
That's all pretty straightforward.
Jeff, is there a problem here? It won't stop beeping.
It's the battery.
- What? - I think it's the battery.
Maggie, if you're gonna tell him how to something, why don't you just go and do it? Yeah, right away.
Yeah.
Sorry, Mr.
Linley, I seem to be working with amateurs.
Wh Why do we have to this? Can't we just move to a new state? - Start a new life? - Teens, you need to relax.
You want to be a business woman, right? I do, desperately.
Then this is your first lesson.
It's called "negotiation," and it's one of the classic tenets of business.
Emma, I don't think you know what you're dealing with.
- Vanessa is fearless.
- Please, you think I'm afraid of some basic B from Danbury? Wow, hotel spaghetti in a white blazer? This woman is fearless.
All right.
That's funny.
Um, Vanessa? Okay, Tina, to what do I owe this pleasure? Have you already sold your Quantum Package? Um, well, not exactly Great, then this meeting's over.
- If I could just jump in here - I'm sorry, who is this person that's talking to me right now? Oh, I'm sorry, I'm her associate, Emma Crawford.
That's a beautiful blazer, by the way.
Is that Dolce & Gabbana.
Gabbana, yes, know it, love it, worn it.
Truthfully, Vanessa, businesswoman to businesswoman, my friend Tina here is in over her head, and, unfortunately, she's not gonna be able to sell the Quantum Package as previously discussed.
Well, I wish I could help, but I just don't see how any of this is my problem.
Oh, okay, well, it is your problem because you took advantage of my friend here, a woman who has literally no street smarts and is completely naive to the world of business.
- That is true I am.
- Yeah.
Tina, Tina, Tina.
Wow, I had really high hopes for you, and now you come in with this woman, oh, could clearly use our bronzer, and you try to bail? Wow, you wanna roll with this? Then let me tell you how this is gonna go No, let me tell you how this is gonna go.
No, I'm not interested.
I'm not interested.
You know who's not interested? Me.
- I'm also not interested.
- Damn it.
So let me break this down for you.
I'm leaving for Hartford for two days, then I go to Bridgeport for three.
When I'm back on Tuesday, bitch better have my money because that's how business works.
Oh let me assure you, I know how business works.
I used to move a bajillion-dollar casino every minute in Macao.
A bajillion.
Well, if that's true, why can't you move a little makeup? Oh, I promise you, I could move your dumb makeup.
- Well, then why don't you? - Why don't I? I'm gonna put you down for a Quantum Package.
- Emma, I don't think that - Don't worry, Tina.
I know exactly what she's up to.
Put me down for two.
All right, Tina-reens, we got a lot of face paint to unload, But the most important thing is that we turn you into the business maven that we know you can be, all right? So show me what you're thinking.
Okay, well, I made a color-coded map of Pinebrook where I divided everyone into age, income, and current shopping behavior.
Wow, Tina, this is actually really good.
Oh, my God, is that a Caboodles? Mm-hmm, and I tricked it out so that we can take it door-to-door.
Tina, this is really, really good! I love this idea.
Take it to the streets! Oh, our first customer! Wait, I thought we were gonna go door-to-door? Yeah, they're going from their door to my door.
Make me look like Vanna White.
Here Okay, in order to discharge you, we need to make sure you're eating, okay? It's Doctor's orders.
Okay, how about this banana pudding, huh? I mean, it's not a Nilla wafer situation, but it's pretty good, right, Jeff? Oh, God, I'm not eating that.
Come on, just take a bite for Mrs.
Chang.
Show her how delicious it is.
Maggie, it's swimsuit season.
- Come on, Jeff.
- No.
- Jeff - No, no, no.
- Jeff! - Uh-uh.
- Jeff, eat it! - No! - Put it in your mouth! - What is this, Studio 54? - Ah.
- Oh! - Got you.
- Oh, come on, you haven't - tried the pudding.
- Hey, no, oh, no, don't! - You got it all over - Um, when you've quite finished your pudding party, room 212 needs his dressing changed.
Oh, we were just, uh, trying I know what you were doing.
Tina, it's been an hour and a half, so - Oh, okay, I'm almost done.
- Okay.
Just one more swipe of powder, and ta-da! Hubba, hubba.
I'd like to buy this vowel.
Okay, now we will take this all off, and we will start your daytime look.
Uh, okay, Tina, Tina, sorry, we have thousands of dollars of makeup to sell, so I think we need to move this along.
- Oh.
- Hey, Mary-Pat, what are we thinking, purchase-wise? Guess I gotta buy something, huh? - That's how they getcha.
- Yeah.
- I'll take one chapstick.
- Chapstick? - Yes, my first sale! - One! Great, I will wrap this up for you.
Boop! - Hey.
- Hey, why did I have to park three blocks down the road? 'Cause I got a bunch of women in the living room for a makeup party, and all that's missing - is your baby-soft skin.
- Oh, no, no, no, no way.
I'm exhausted, I'm covered in banana pudding Please, Maggie, I got so much product to move, and Bird Bones is killing me.
Okay, ladies, today is your lucky day because we have a special demo with Illuminage's premiere sales consultant.
You know her from the gym, and from various Pinterest pages, please welcome Tina.
- Thank you, thank you.
- Okay, get up here.
Thank you, Emma.
Okay, well, um, the first thing that I like to do is examine my canvas.
Maggie here, of course, has flawless skin.
- Aw, thanks, Teens.
- And, frankly, I don't think that she needs any makeup at all.
But if I had to put something on her, I I would use some blush.
Okay, so, we do that, that.
There you go.
And that fresh face is gonna cost you $9.
50.
Oh, Tina, Tina, if I could just jump in here.
Let's get real, ladies.
Maggie over here needs a lot more help that that.
- Am I right? - What's happening? This is a woman who's up with a baby all night.
- Mm-hmm.
- She's at the hospital, - bringing home the bacon all day.
- Single mom.
- She's tired, you know? - Bedraggled, even.
- Okay, all right.
- Time has worn its way down this face like water once carved the crevices of the Grand Canyon, okay? Here, here, and also here.
We're comparing my face to erosion? But Illuminage is here to help.
Tina, be a doll, would you, and load me up with some of Illuminage's priming foundation.
Well, you need to start with the moisturizer fir Not now, all right, and we're blending.
- Good Lord.
- We're blending.
- Okay, that's very aggressive.
- We're shading, we're shading, and we're contouring.
We're contouring.
- It doesn't feel like it.
- Okay, and we finish it all off with a heavy swipe of our patented bee sting lip-plumping lip gloss.
Oh, yeah.
- Okay.
- And, voila.
- Emma, what's in this? - It's really tingling.
Oh, the tingle means it's working.
Now join me in the corner where Tina will be taking your orders.
Tina? I'm sorry, Tina? Just give me one second, okay? - Keep it alive out here, okay? - What's happening? - I don't know.
- Sell something.
Tina, what's going on? I need you out there.
- Everyone wants to order.
- Ah, you don't need me.
- I'm just gonna go.
- What are you talking about? - We're a huge hit.
- Well, you're a huge hit.
- I'm not doing anything.
- Oh, I just took over the demo 'cause we weren't moving enough product.
And why is that? Because I'm terrible.
- No.
- I don't know why I ever thought that That I could do this.
I mean, I am terrible at everything.
- No.
- Yes, I screwed up my marriage.
I screwed up this job.
I can't do anything right! Well, if you're trying to make a point, Teens, at least throw something breakable.
See? I can't even do that right.
No, Tina Oh, I am mad at you, Maggie.
I binge-ate pudding all night long, and then Charles finds me passed out like a bloated raccoon in a nest of Little Debbie wrappers.
- Ah! - It's really bad, right? I'm so sorry, but what happened to your face? Why do you look like Lisa Rinna melted? It's bee sting lip-plumping lip gloss.
But you're allergic to bees.
I know, I tried to stop Emma, but she just covered my face in the dumb stuff.
Oh, God, what am I gonna do? I can't leave I told Ericson I'd do - a double shipt.
- Huh? - A double chipt.
- What? - Two shifts.
- Oh, a double shift.
- That's what I said.
- Uh-uh.
I need your help and support.
All right, I know exactly what we're going to do.
Okay, so her blood pressure's up.
- What's her weight? - 104.
Can I see her labs, please? Can I see the labs? Just pass pass the clipboard, please, Maggie.
- I'd rather not.
- Just give me the clipboard.
Yeah.
Just give me the Give me the clipboard.
Here you go.
Is this another one of your jokes? No, sir.
Then why are you wearing a mask? Okay.
- You look like Lisa Rinna.
- Oh, God.
Maggie, my office, now, please.
- Right now.
- Okay, yeah, yeah.
Mrs.
Chang.
- Tina.
- Oh! I don't know why I keep doing that.
- It's very creepy.
- What are you doing here? You don't have to go in there.
I'm gonna tell Vanessa that we didn't sell the product.
It was my fault.
I doubled down.
No, I am the one who got us into this mess - in the first place.
- Yeah, but I was supposed to be helping you, and, instead, I just made you feel like you weren't good at anything.
- Which is true.
- No, it's not.
Listen to me, Tina, to me, you'll always be that cheerleader on top of the pyramid whose body be banging and, P.
S.
, a mind to match, okay? So you're not good at selling makeup.
Who cares? That just means something bigger is coming your way.
- Thank you, Emma.
- Get in here.
All right, let's go get annihilated by this basic B.
- I'm scared.
- I'm scared too.
Okay, that's a shot of Benadryl.
That should take the swelling down a little bit.
Good.
Dr.
Ericson, I am very sorry.
I I don't usually act this way.
I don't believe that for one second.
No, I mean, we like to have fun at the workplace, - sure, but - That isn't what I'm saying.
Look, from my point of view, you seem like an incredibly talented nurse with a terrific bedside manner.
Are you not normally like that? Oh, um, thank you.
It's been a pleasure shadowing you this week as well.
- No, it hasn't.
- Well, it ha what? So come on, what are they calling me these days, hmm? Oh, I never partook in any of that.
- Mm, Dr.
Bobsled? - That's a good one.
Cool Runnings? No, uh, Dr.
Popsicle is what we had landed on recently.
Mrs.
Chang came up with that one.
Mm, okay, that's actually quite good.
- Yeah.
- Is it because I'm so cold? It's 'cause you have a stick up your ass.
Okay, so, look, I hope it doesn't keep you from wanting to work with me because I've requested that you continue on my rotation.
Really? Jeff too, but for different reasons.
I like to watch him squirm.
Sure.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, so what I'm hearing is that you failed.
I wouldn't exactly use those words.
I mean, we did sell Tina's original package, and, - if I hadn't doubled down - I'm gonna need to hear you say it.
I'll sound it out for you It goes like this.
I fa-ai-l-ed.
That is enough.
Tina talks now.
Look, I may not know a lot about business, but one thing I do know about is pyramids.
Well, specifically, cheerleading pyramids.
And it is glorious at the top with the sun in your hair and the The wind up your skorts.
Where are we going with this, Teens? And but what you don't realize is that the people at the bottom actually have the most power.
So when Carlotta Frasier's IBS kicks in because she eats too many cannolis mid-game, and she rushes to the restroom mid-formation, the person at the top - comes a-tumbling down.
- What is the point? My point is, once I make a few phone calls to your other sales consultants, you, Vanessa, are gonna come a-tumbling down.
So what I guess I'm trying to say is.
- "Bitch better have my money.
" - Tina, that doesn't - really apply here.
- I don't care I wanna say it.
Bitch better have my money.
Enjoy sitting alone eating spaghetti in a blazer that's clearly not Dolce & Gabbana.
- Yes, it is.
- Oh, no.
It's Dressbarn, Vanessa, and everybody knows it.
Everyone.
Let's roll.
A prominent Danbury businesswoman is being.
Investigated for selling a line of unsafe cosmetics.
Oh, she's coming? Vanessa, what do you have to say for yourself? - Vanessa! - You need to get those cameras out of my face.
Don't Don't look at me! - Whoa.
- Somebody must've called in a tip.
Tina? Well, I think we have our answer.
Oh, ah, ah! That says it all.
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