Please Like Me (2013) s03e02 Episode Script

(Opera music plays on phone) VOICE RECORDING: You are first in the queue.
We will be with you shortly.
We value your time.
Thanks for your patience.
(Music plays on phone) - WOMAN, ON PHONE: Hi, name please.
- Uh, Hannah.
Ah, g'day Hannah.
How can we help you? Um, I need My phone's been cut off.
I forgot to pay the bill.
OK, let me transfer you to Billings.
Um, no Um (Music plays on phone) - No! Ah, fuck! - You are third in the queue.
We will be with you shortly.
Thanks for your patience.
(Music plays on phone) You are second in the queue.
We will be with you shortly.
- Thanks for your patience.
- Argh! Fuck! Fuck! (Sobs) You are first in the queue.
We will be with you shortly.
Thanks for your patience.
Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah Ooh Ooh Oh, yeah, yeah Ooh Oh, the good Lord knows it Ooh I left better behind I'll be fine, yeah, yeah Take my momma, turn another blind eye Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I left better behind I'll be fine Hannah, dinner's ready! - Yum-yum, dinner! - Yeah, alright.
(Opera music) Mae, t-t-that's a lot of cheese.
You say that every time.
Every time we have pasta you say, "That's a lot of cheese.
" I know it's a lot of cheese, but it's how much cheese I like.
So, please take a mental note that I like a lot of cheese so we don't have to talk about it again, OK? - OK.
Have as much cheese as you like.
- Yes.
(Sniffles) What's the matter? - Is it that time of the month? - No! I had sex with a man.
A different man.
Josh! What is this? - It's a French stick.
- I thought we weren't eating bread.
I thought it might be nice to have bread.
Josh, why are you doing this? I just thought, maybe, bread isn't actually the enemy.
Do you know how many times over the last two weeks I've wanted to eat white food and I didn't? - Do you know why I didn't? - Because it spikes your blood sugar.
- No! - No? Well, yes, but also, I did it for us, because of us.
- And now you're quitting on me? - No, don't you say that.
That's not true, Tom.
I couldn't quit you.
I mean, surely Arnold doesn't eat bread.
So fit.
You just gonna get fat for Arnold now? - More to love.
- No, it's not more to love.
It's the same amount of love.
It's just spread thinner! There were doughnuts at the office today and I didn't touch them.
You did touch your boss's junk, though, right, Tom? Tom, am I am I right? Tom? - Did you get your phone sorted out? - No.
- Oh, what happened? - Dinner.
Well you've really got to get it sorted, Hannah.
It's been weeks.
- People want to call you.
- What people? - Me.
- Why would you call me? I'm right here, you're right there.
This is where we always are.
- Hey, it's Friday night.
- Yeah.
- Well, we should go out.
- Out? - Yeah, out.
- Nuh.
- Yes.
- Nuh.
- I want to go to a lesbian bar.
- Why would you want to go to a bar? You've got a lesbian and a beer right here.
Please take me, Hannah, please.
Is this your way of telling me you're a lesbian? - No.
- Just thought I would ask.
You can't be too careful these days.
Will you say something? Let me finish this or it'll go cold.
I used the good mince, I want to finish it.
OK.
It was ages ago.
Last year.
I was pregnant.
I had no control, Alan.
I was a slave to my pregnant hormones.
I bit your arm, I tried to repaint the bathroom, I cried at the butcher's and I had an affair.
OK.
Who was he? I don't know his name.
Alright.
Would I know his name? No.
I'm sorry, Alan.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Like the time when you decided we should go kitesurfing.
Where where did you meet him? A website.
- The internet? - Yeah.
Bloody internet! Sick of it.
Our farming changed the genetic structure of wheat faster than we could evolve alongside it, and now it is poison.
- Bread is low in essential nutrients! - It makes you more hungry.
- Gluten! - Fucking gluten, Josh.
- Fuck off, gluten! - You bloat me, gluten! (Giggles) Yeah.
Mmm, um So, I was just thinking, maybe it's just OK to eat bread sometimes.
No, I can't! You might be able to eat it just once, but I'm not strong enough in moral character - Shhhh.
Shhhh.
- Just I mean, you know that scene in Aladdin where Aladdin gives the orphan kid some bread? - He shares his bread with him? - Of course.
Well, that scene makes me furious, reflecting back on it.
- (Giggles) - (Knock at door) - Arnold again? - You like Arnold.
- Do I? - Yes! (Up-beat dance music plays) (Laughs) Hannah, that's too much! (Coughs) Oh - Are you having fun? - I'm no expert on fun.
Does it look like I'm having fun? Well, it's impossible to tell with you.
Well, let's just assume I am.
- Are you smiling on the inside? - I'm drunk on the inside.
Oh, well, I suppose it's better than nothing, isn't it? (Baby coos) We are sure Grace is mine? Of course, Alan.
I was already very pregnant.
- Shh, Gracie.
- Oh, God, Grace was there.
It was a mistake.
He had pregnant fetish.
He was weird.
He kept talking about the baby inside me.
Oh, I am not happy about it either, you know.
OK.
- (Sighs) - Are you OK? You want a cup of tea or something? Or ice-cream? No, I think we're out of ice-cream.
I'm going to come out to my parents.
- Oh, fuck, that's great.
- Yeah.
Great.
Terrifying, though.
Are you terrified? - Terrified.
- Why? Uh, Arnold's dad doesn't really like homosexuals.
Oh, no.
Why doesn't he like homosexuals? I don't know.
He's just so hassled by them.
Did you just ask why Arnold's dad doesn't like homosexuals? Oh, yeah, sorry.
As if we could pinpoint why someone is homophobic? It's not like being scared of dogs, Tom, OK? He wasn't bitten by a homosexual when he was a child.
Um Yeah, I just meant, um How do we know that he doesn't like them? Um, he said so.
A few times.
Once, he told me that I should quit the choir because, "The other boys'll think you're a fag and beat you up.
It's not worth it, Arnie, just sing at home.
" He might be OK, though.
He's calmed down a bit.
He did grow up in a time where people thought different stuff.
Yeah.
And he really likes you, you know.
That might balance out how much he hates queers.
He does like me.
Mm.
It's just going to go great, isn't it, Tom? It's gonna be fine, yeah? Yup.
I understand.
It's not like I haven't had affairs.
- Alan! - Not while I've been with you.
- Oh.
OK.
- I understand, you know? Hormones, and you were - I understand.
I'm not mad.
- I'm sorry.
Obviously, I wasn't giving you enough attention.
No! Alan, it's my fault.
It's not you.
Oh, OK.
- I can make it up to you, huh? - No, please, Mae, don't.
Oh, come on.
Mae, my hands are too soaped up right now to stop you, but I really want you to hear me when I say I want you to stop.
No, you don't want me to stop.
You're embarrassing yourself! I want to do it properly at my birthday.
I wanna stand up and announce it.
I have nothing to be afraid of.
No, not at your birthday.
Not with me there.
No, no.
Then they're gonna think it's my fault.
Guys I really want to talk about bread.
Oh, yeah, Arnold, you should know, the whole time you've been talking about this upcoming pivotal moment in your life, Tom has just been furious that you ate the bread.
I'm still listening! Oh, so did you not want me to eat your bread? No, you can do whatever you want with bread.
It's just I choose not to eat it, and Josh and I were supposed to be doing it together, but then he decided that his word means nothing.
Tom thinks bread's poison.
Why does everyone suddenly think bread is so bad? - What's so bad about bread? - Everything! There were hot people in the '90s.
They ate bread.
Arnold, it's (Sighs) It's not really about bread.
It's about Josh and Well, I'm sorry for dragging you into it.
It's not your fault.
You seem actually upset.
Are you actually upset? Am not.
Oh, come on.
Cheer up, buddy.
Yeah, buddy.
Why don't you tell us about what you're making there? - None of your business.
- Hey, I'm not mocking you.
I'm genuinely interested.
I'm Team Tom.
He's making a little cardboard city.
- Why? - None of your fuckin' business! - He doesn't know why.
- Not yet.
(Chicken clucks) (Mobile phone rings) Oh.
Hey, Ma! - Hannah's run away! - What? Where are you? Yeah, I'm in a lesbian bar.
Oh, my Arnold, my mum's a lesbian.
- (Laughs) I am not! - She just came out to me.
- Congratulations, Rose.
- I did not.
Joshua! Well, that is inspiring.
Maybe she can give you some tips, babe.
She just said, 'Mm-mm, I love the smell of pussy in the morning.
' Joshua! Don't tell them I said that! Tell her that her journey's an inspiration to me.
- Arnold thinks you've put on weight.
- Oh, he did not say that! - He did.
He said you are a fat bitch.
- Ohh! I don't know why he said it.
It's very disappointing.
- Josh oh! - No, I'm not happy about it either.
- You're my mum.
- This isn't funny.
I don't like that kind of disrespect about my mum.
- Where's Hannah? - I don't know, do I? That's why I called you! Well, I don't know.
Why do you think I know? I don't know anything.
Oh, no, I found her.
I found her! Where have you been? Hannah! - Dancing.
- Da? Oh, I have been worried sick.
Oh, I thought she might have been the one! (Mobile phone rings) - Hi, Josh, it's Dad.
- What, Dad, you're a lesbian? - Mae's had an affair.
- Ohh.
Mae's had an affair? No, that is that is bad, yeah? Yeah, it was just one night.
It's over.
She was pregnant.
That is I'm not sure I knew that was possible.
No, I Sorry, I probably shouldn't have burdened you with this.
I'm sorry.
- Don't be sorry.
This is a big thing.
- I know, it's not your fault.
Well no.
Do you want me to come around? Dad? Sorry, I I shouldn't have called you.
I don't know.
I guess I just needed to say it out loud to know that it was true.
And now I have, so Yeah, it's pretty heavy.
She met him on a pregnancy fetish page.
- Oh, wow.
- On the bloody internet! - Sorry, Josh, I'm going to go.
Bye.
- Bye.
Can you can you do that straight after having a baby? Don't you need time for, like, the vagina? It was while she was pregnant.
It's bad, yeah? It's Is it surprising? Tom come on, buddy.
- You are being no fun.
- Does that surprise you? For fuck's sake, if you want to have fun, introduce yourself to someone fun.
Fine! You know, it was a dumb idea thinking you and I could have a good time, Hannah.
That Let's go.
I'm going to call a cab.
We're going.
- No, it's fine.
We can stay.
- No, you hate being out with me.
- We don't have to go.
- Do you even like me? - I live with you! - No, see? - (Phone dialling) - You can't even say that you like me.
We could have done this at home, you know? - Say that you like me.
- OK, I like you.
OK.
'Cause I like you too.
OK.
- I like you too.
- Good.
CLAIRE: When are you going to come out, Arnold? I guess I could yell it from a passing car.
That's how people tell me I'm gay.
I can flip the system.
Um, well, I have some pretty big news too.
I think I'm gonna come home.
- TOM: When? - I don't know.
I can't afford to change my flight, but I can't afford to keep living here.
Claire, would you like to borrow some money? - (Gasps) Do you have money? - Yeah, babe.
Oh, my God, well, that would be incredible.
Uh, hey, Josh, can you please fly me to Hollywood? I just feel like they need to see me.
Will you still be able to afford your special volumising shampoo? Yes, I have budgeted for that.
What are you going to ask for in return? - Oh, make Tom eat bread.
- Yes! No, Arnold, I thought we were a team.
- We're not a team.
- I'm not eating bread.
- It wouldn't be right.
- Sorry, Claire! You have to stay alone in Germany.
Get used to crying while eating sausages.
Look, I'm happy to eat a piece of bread for a friend.
It's just that you're all going to pretend like I'm doing it because you think I'm in love with her.
- Yeah.
Obviously.
- I'm not! - Arnold? - That's what I was planning on thinking.
Please, Tom? - Yes! - Yes! Eating bread! - (Mobile phone rings) - Mae? Josh? Josh, do you know where your dad is? Dad's missing? Well, has he got his car? Yes, but he left his wallet and his phone.
I'm scared, Josh.
I think he has run into the night.
Oh, no, he should not be in the night.
- I did it! - Josh's dad is missing.
- He's missing? - It's Mae.
- Who's on the phone? - Josh! What did you call him for? - Don't bother him with this! - He's already bothered me with it.
I just couldn't find you.
I thought you'd run away.
I had a swim.
- MAE: It's freezing cold outside.
- He had a swim? - A swim? - CLAIRE: A swim? - I didn't know your dad had a pool.
- Hang up! Hang up! - No, don't.
I'll talk to him.
- He wants to talk to you.
- No, no, tell him to go to sleep.
- He want you to go to sleep.
Yeah, well, that has not been his decision since I was 11.
He's stomping away, up the stairs.
You're not angry at me, are you, Josh? No, I'm not angry.
You stuffed up.
It's fine.
I get it.
People stuff up.
I cancelled our trip to Thailand, by the way.
Cancelled it.
- Why do you do that? - I don't know! Yeah, maybe I will come and pick him up.
- I told Josh to come pick you up.
- I mean, I don't want to.
No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm fine.
I'm fine! I think it's a good idea, Alan.
- Maybe you need some space.
- He can pick you up, then.
Oh, I would, but you just went for a swim in the cold, and you just cancelled a non-refundable ticket to see my family, so I think maybe I should be the one who look after Grace tonight, huh? Alright, alright.
OK.
OK.
Dad, Arnold's gonna come out to his parents this weekend.
Oh, good on you, mate.
I'm sure they'll be very happy for you.
I was thinking maybe, um, you could pretend to be Arnold's dad, and Arnold can tell you that he's gay, and then you can accept him as, like, a little practice.
Oh, no, Josh, I'm not really in the mood.
OK.
Sorry, Arnold.
My dad, he can't even pretend to accept who you are.
- Unacceptable.
- Oh, um, that's cool.
(Pencil scratching) OK, OK.
- OK? - Yeah.
Mm-hm.
Um, Dad, there's really no other way of saying this.
I wanted to let you know that, um (Breathes in) I'm gay.
Well, that's great news.
Thanks for telling me.
Maybe on the weekend you can take me to the shops and teach me to dress better.
Sure thing, pal.
- It was just a little stereotype-y.
- Mm, I didn't like it.
Nope, I didn't like it.
Not one bit.
Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.
I did not like it.
- Did I overact? - No.
No, I want more.
Mm, yeah.
I wasn't moved.
Claire, were you moved? Sorry, I couldn't hear.
Arnold, Maybe you can cast your mind back to when you were in the choir.
- OK.
- OK, yeah, sing over there.
- And, Dad - I don't want to sing.
You can play Arnold's dad learning tolerance.
- Yes.
This.
We love this.
- I really don't want to sing.
Yeah.
Oh, sorry, Dad.
Yeah, Arnold doesn't want to cheer you up.
He just doesn't care about your heart.
CLAIRE: I just don't really think that it's your choice, Arnold.
Just there.
Party girls don't get hurt Can't feel anything When will I learn? I push it down I push it down Wow, Arnold, you have a beautiful voice.
No, Dad, you idiot, you're playing his dad now, OK? He has an awful voice.
Here, here, come with me.
Phone's blowing up They're ringing my doorbell I feel the love Feel the love I think you should put on this hat, yes? And then I want you to go in there and be disappointed in Arnold and how he's defying traditional gender roles with his nancy-boy singing.
Sit grumpy, then as the song changes, gradually change your mind.
One, two, three, one, two, three, drink One, two, three, one, two, three, drink One, two, three, one, two, three, drink Throw 'em back Till I lose count I'm gonna swing From the chandelier From the chandelier Dad, this is where you start changing your mind.
I'm gonna live Like tomorrow doesn't exist Like it doesn't exist I'm gonna fly Like a bird in the night Feel my tears as they dry I'm gonna swing From the chandelier From the chandelier.
No, Tom, no.
Dad? That's my boy.
That's my son.
Dad I'm not sexually attracted to women.
I'm proud of you, even though you're gay, because it doesn't matter that you're gay.
What matters is that you're a good person.
It (Pats on back) Nailed it.
It's not coming up! (Coughs)