Plebs (2013) s03e02 Episode Script

1 (GRUNTING) Ooh, good serve! Now pop it up, that's it.
Spike it.
Fucking spike it! (CROWD CHEER) Yes! She spoke it.
Go on, Germania! Maybe have a little hug? Yeah! I'm impressed you're able to perv from a distance.
Cheers! I wish we could swap with Aurelius, though, that jammy git! Ball, please.
Ball boy! Yes.
Sorry.
Ball man.
We are a bit far from the action.
And the bogs.
I've had to go in me cup.
Oh, no, Grumio! Oh-ho, dear! Help her up, dust her down a bit maybe and a quick hug.
Yow! I need another cup! Quick! (GROANS) # Yeah! When in Rome # Do as the Romans do # Far from home All I got is you If I had the choice, I would probably go gymnast.
You know they're all about 13?! OK, fine, former gymnast.
Here he is, look, that one, the mushroom head.
Salve, Grumio.
All right, Landlord? This gentleman here is looking for you.
What's he done? The little 'un? Are you sure? Whatever he's damaged, eaten or soiled, he'll reimburse you.
Oh, no, it's nothing like that! I just wanted to come and introduce myself.
I'm Justin.
Your dad.
Look how you've grown! Not as much as I'd expected, but still So, how have you been, then, son? Yeah, not too bad, thanks.
Sorry.
Can we back up a bit? You're his dad? I am.
Justin Corvenus.
Salve.
As in, the guy who left him on a hill as a baby? Blimey, he dunt muck about, does he? I like it! He could've died.
Steady on! I'm not a monster! It was a good hill, right by a diddy farmhouse.
My house! Where my parents brought him up because you couldn't be bothered! I never married her but, yeah, you're right, I screwed up.
Mea culpa.
I'm sorry, son.
That's why I want to make it right.
I see.
Get to know you a bit.
Take you to the Games, be the dad you never had.
Why now? I only found out where he was when they done that census.
Plus, I'm in town for work.
What was that about the Games? I've got tickets for the boxing tonight.
You can all come! I say we give him a chance.
Right, yeah, I wonder why.
Thank you, lad.
I appreciate that.
He said he's sorry! I am so sorry.
Look, I was a total knobhead.
But I'm a changed man.
He's a changed man! How do you know? Bloody 'ell, I'm confused.
He's got boxing tickets! Ringside.
Ringside? It's too little, too late.
It's too much, too soon.
Of course, son, this must be a lot to take in.
If you never want to see me again, I'd understand.
But if you feel like giving your old man another chance and watching some blokes punch the living shite out of each other, I will be bang up for that! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Not bad seats, eh? They're all right.
Pretzel? Please, son, it's only a pretzel.
In the red corner, Sirus 'Tsunami' Secondus.
(CHEERING) Go on, Sirus! Go on, lad! In the blue corner, from Gaul, Raymond 'The Rooster' Roubideaux! (CROWD JEER) Yes! Le bleu! No (CHEERS LOUDLY) (BELL RINGS) Fight.
I can't believe we're so close.
I can probably join in from here.
About time having Grumio for a slave had its perks.
What do you mean, slave? Is Grumio your slave? Yeah.
Did I not mention that? No.
I thought you were just friends.
Oh.
Yeah.
Well, we're both.
He's sort of like a brother to me.
A brother that you own.
Huh Grumio's an utterly shit slave, if that helps.
Why would that help? Yeah.
I dunno.
It's not a big deal.
Honestly, it's a tiny deal.
(CROWD CHEER) Yes! Hit him again! Hit him while he's down! Yes! Ooh! (BELL RINGS) Thank you very much.
So, the night's still young.
Do you fancy ploughing on? I don't know, I'm a bit pooped.
Cos I was thinking of hitting an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Mm.
Yeah.
I'm perking up a bit, actually.
Oh! I'm Roman culture, having slaves is the done thing.
Delphine! Oh, hey, Gregory! Comment ca va? D'accord.
Tres magnifique.
(CHATTERS IN FRENCH) (LAUGHS) Hello.
Oh! Sorry, Marcus.
This is Gregory.
He's an old friend.
Right.
Nice to meet you.
You, too.
(BOTH CHATTER IN FRENCH) (BOTH SPEAK RAPID FRENCH) I love the discus! That's the plate-chucking one, right? Well, seven years of training but, yeah, the plate-chucking one.
What's your style, overarm, underarm? It's more of your classic sidearm technique, so Whoa-ho! You've got one hell of a wingspan on you.
You could tickle me from round the corner.
Oh! Ooh! I'm Camilla, by the way.
Stylax.
Can I get you a glass of wine? I'll stick to the old bull powder.
I'm on a training regime.
Ah, OK.
That sounds tasty.
It's pretty grim, to be honest.
It's magic for building muscle, if you want to try it.
Turn that flab into abs.
Whoa.
I've got abs, man.
I've got abs coming out of my arsehole.
Oh, really? Give us a feel, then.
Well Come on! (GIGGLES) Cracking place, this.
Oh, it's quality.
And, crucially for me, it's quantity.
That's the beauty of a buffet.
Look at you putting it away.
No doubting who your dad is.
What about me mum, was she a big eater? Big moaner, more like.
No.
She was always busting me balls about growing the business.
I had to get out in the end, she was driving me barmy.
What's your business, then? I'll give you a clue.
You have it hot when it's cold, cold when it's hot, and you serve it with a ladle straight out of a pot.
It's soup.
Oh, I like a bit of soup.
Well, who doesn't? And the profit margins are soup-erb! Oh, OK.
I'm going to pitch me new one tomorrow - ham and clam.
That'll be dead good, because the flavours work well together and they rhyme.
Blimey! The boy's a natural.
You've got your dad's good taste n'all.
I thought you wanted a gymnast.
An athlete's an athlete.
They're all firm and bendy.
That's how they come.
Aren't discus-throwers chunky? Whoa! She's not chunky! She's muscly, but that's because of the bull powder.
What? How do you powder a bull? I guess grate it.
It's a performance enhancer.
It should be banned.
I helps you go for longer.
That's why you know about it! No! You take bull powder? No need.
To perform for longer! I can perform for ages! Finally get over the 1-minute mark? I can hump till the cows come home! I hope the farmers don't mind, Water boy.
Yes.
No, I-I don't hump cows.
They were accusing me of taking a supplement.
Water man.
What supplement is that? It's called bull powder.
It seems to be good for aggression.
I could use a bit of that.
I think you're fine for aggression.
Not for me, you nasty little gobshite! For me new beau, Primus.
I could do with him being a tad more bullish in the bedroom! Not getting much action? The main action does tend to be sleeping.
And although Primus is very suave and has the most charming yacht, I really need him to grab the bull by the horns before I start taking out my urges on the staff! (LAUGHS LOUDLY) Joking aside, if you need anyone to, er, service you God, no! Whee! # So I said parents # Do not provoke your children To wrong # Hm, hm, hm # Parents, do not provoke Your children to wrong So take my advice You have got one hell of an arm on you! You flung that disc like you hated it! I know.
I'm super-charged! I think it's the bull powder.
Two rounds without breaking sweat.
About that bull powder, is it legit or is it more cheating? No! It's just desiccated bull's testis.
Totally natural.
It's given me so much more energy.
Maybe we should go for a run.
Or I've got another idea I can't have sex, Stylax.
I can't even fool around.
I'm on lockdown for this tournament.
Really? Because I'm happy to do the donkey work.
Listen, I'll make it up to you, OK? As soon as I'm knocked out, I'll be partying.
Hard.
OK! And you've done two rounds out of? Eight! Don't sweat it, hun, I doubt I'll make it past three.
Four max.
Come on, you.
Race you to the arch.
Get in! Get in! (GRUNTS) So, what am I doing with the garlic? You're frying it.
Can you do that or shall I get the slave to do it for you? You realise I do everything around here, don't you? Having Grumio's not like having a slave.
It's more like having leprosy.
I know.
It's OK.
I'm only winding you up.
What's that? "Gregory"? Uh-huh.
So? So, is that anything to do with good looking French cheesemonger Gregory? Uh, yeah.
We used to go out.
Oh! Right.
I thought he was a friend.
He is.
He's an ex and a friend.
It must've been pretty serious, because I've got exes and friends and none of their names are written on my body! Tattoos are very common in Gallic culture.
Don't be a baby.
It's a tiny deal, OK? I just wish I could stay longer, son, do all that dad shit I never got chance to do before, take you hunting, read you stories, change your nappies.
I realise you're a bit past that now.
I still have the odd accident.
Don't we all?! But I've got to keep moving.
Once this meeting's over, I'm back on the road, sitting on me arse, stuffing me face with junk food.
Sounds wicked.
Eh, why don't you come with us, as part of Justin's Soups? I can teach you the business, make you the heir to the empire! Are you serious? Deadly.
I'll change the company name to, erm, Justin & Son Soups.
No.
No.
Justin and Grumio's Soups.
I'd have to change the logos but Or I could change my name to Justin.
Then we could keep the logos the same.
Yes! Justin and Justin, the Soup Boys, out on the road! What do you reckon? Give me a side parting an' all.
Morning.
What's for brekko, then? We should be asking you that.
Soz, yeah.
Late night with me dad.
Listen, right, I've had an idea - cow and radish.
OK.
Just trying to work out what part of that is an idea.
I'm coming up with new soups.
Me dad says I've got great taste.
Your dad's wrong.
You eat your earwax.
I've got more.
Bean and bird, salmon and gammon, bread and orange.
You're saying the first things that come into your head.
Dad says I'm a natural.
He's taking me on the road to help him run his business.
Boom! Do you not think you might be getting a bit carried away? He did leave you on a hill.
Stop slagging off me dad.
- I'm looking out for you, Grumio.
- Justin! Me name's Justin now! Or Justin Junior.
Or possibly sometimes JJ.
It's on her wrist.
He's written his name on her.
Like she's his gym kit! Or his pants! What's his name? Why does that matter? It could be little, like Leo, or long like Agathangelos.
It's medium, like Gregory.
See, it could be worse! Ciao for now, boys, I won't be in this afternoon.
Oh, Flavia, apparently bull powder can be dangerous for non-athletes.
I know.
Primus had a heart attack.
Oh, my Jove, is he all right? Not great.
I'm off to his funeral.
Was that bedroom-related? Bedroom, kitchen, cellar, garden.
It was quite an evening.
The bull powder really got him going before stopping him dead! Still, saves me having to dump him! (CHUCKLES) Veal and Sorry, the ink's gone sweaty.
I think it's eel.
Veal and eel! Yeah, I like it.
Then we've got pork and bogey Oh, no.
Wait, that is an actual bogey.
These are all great, son.
Not the pork and bogey one, but the others! Shall I pitch them in the meeting, then? Oh No.
I reckon I'll do this one on me own.
It is a biggie.
Oh.
So, when you gonna learn me the business, then, when we're on the road? Maybe, yeah.
Although I do like to drive in silence.
Or in our hotel room, then.
Yeah! Exactly.
Er, we won't be sharing a room, though.
I mean, that's not gonna work! Why not? In case I meet someone on the road.
You won't need to, cos I'll be with you the whole time! Aww! Can you read me a story, Dad? Er, I've got nothing on me, Justin Jr, clearly.
Maybe when we go hunting, then.
We can still go hunting? Yeah! Yes.
Yeah, course we can.
When? Er Today? Oh Yeah.
Fine.
Meet me under the arch on Palatine Hill about three.
Mm.
Nice! I'll think of some more soup ideas for you, too.
Vinegar and egg.
Lobster and lobster.
Blood and chutney.
Oh, he's on a roll! (CHUCKLES) (GIRL GRUNTS) (APPLAUSE) Go on, Camilla! What the hell are you doing? I'm cheering her on.
Well, stop it! I don't get any action until she's knocked out.
You should be cheering her off.
(GRUNTS LOUDLY) Have it! And the sex ban continues! # It's hot when it's cold And cold when it's hot # Serve it with a ladle Straight from the pot It's soup! Salve, Grumio.
What's with the stick? All right, Landlord.
I'm making a spear to take hunting with me dad, cos I've got a dad.
Oh! (REGGAE MUSIC) What are you doing? Oh, hi! Hello.
Yes.
Sorry.
I, erm We didn't shake hands when we met yesterday, so I wanted to do that.
Well, I was asleep.
It was for my sake, really.
I'm very formal.
OK, then! (BOTH LAUGH) If you're looking for my tattoo, it's here.
Oh! Well, that is big.
It must be annoying, now you've broken up.
Yeah, but we had to.
It was too intense, you know what I mean? Yeah! Completely! When was that, out of interest? Not long after we got to Rome.
Oh, you came here together! Right.
Did not realise that.
Yeah, but we've cooled it off for now.
Mm.
For now? Uh-huh.
But I'm sure you guys will have fun together.
(REGGAE MUSIC) I am having the tournament of my life! Yeah.
Great.
Do you know what? I feel like I could beat anyone, and I'm not just talking discus.
I'm seriously considering moving into wrestling.
Yeah.
Whatever.
Just don't show me.
(GRUNTS) Try and get out of that if you can! (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) Look at her, a loser.
I chewed her up and spat her out and she's straight on the booze.
Yeah.
What a loser.
Cheat! Come over here and say that to my face, bitch! Whoa! Calm down! They can say what they want, I don't care.
Because I will do whatever it takes.
That's why I am a winner! Why don't we get some food before you eat her? I've got to go train.
Sorry, babe, nothing gets in the way of this tournament.
Not even you and your sweet behind! Ow! That arm It's so strong.
Hey.
How's it going? (MOANS) Marcus! Oh, Gregory! Ah! Now, er Did you just say Gregory? I wasn't thinking about Gregory.
I mean, I was.
Just not like that.
What the fuck, Marcus? I just Your tattoo was right in my face and I'm reader.
If I see things, I will read them.
You have got to get over this.
It's a teeny-tiny deal.
Is it? Even though you came to Rome, it was too intense and you're only with me for now? Have you been talking to Gregory? Yes! And I saw the tattoo on his massive chest! Marcus, he's deluded.
I used to love him, yes, but I'm with you now and I'm happy.
Or I would be if you didn't whisper men's names during sex.
Yes, OK.
I can see that.
(DOOR OPENS) Are you OK Justin? Mm? Ah, yeah.
I'm fine.
I'm absolutely fucking dandy.
How was the hunting trip? Great, yeah.
We caught a bloody big bear.
Wow! With your little stick? Yeah.
I just grabbed him by the 'orns and stuck it in.
Right.
Not sure bears have horns.
This one did.
And, er, where is this horny bear now? Stop quizzing me! We caught a bear, it had 'orns, we couldn't bring it back so we left it there, me and my dad had a really good time.
OK.
Well, seeing as we won't be having bear for dinner, I might take Justin Junior out.
Up to you, of course, JJ.
You're your own man.
It was incredible! There's not a wasted inch anywhere on these athletes.
Even her earlobes are stacked! So, Camilla finally lost? No, this is a different one.
A different one? Another discus thrower.
A loser.
From now on, I'm all about the losers! Justin? Are you all right? .
.
and the profit margins are soup-erb! You did it again! Justin! Er, what you doing 'ere? You left me on a hill again.
I waited for hours.
At least I could stand up and walk away.
Oh, dear me! Sorry, son.
The meeting ran over and the afternoon just got away from me.
Sorry, this is, er Gloria.
Gina.
Gina! Yes! I bought a tunic from her stall and invited her out for dinner.
She's done very well out of me! Get scared, did ya? Couldn't face having me around, is that it? (SIGHS) Listen, son, I have loved seeing you these last few days, but I can't see the whole having-a-son thing fitting in with my lifestyle.
I thought you were a changed man.
I think I changed back.
I need me freedom.
Me and Gina are talking about a cruise.
You what? You've only just met her! I've only met you, too, to be fair.
Look, why don't you join us for a nice bit of buffet? Yeah, right.
Life's just one big buffet for you, in't it? You want it all.
You can't stick with one single dish.
Steer clear, love, you'll end up shivering on a hill.
There's no need to get mardy, Justin Jr.
Grumio! Me name's Grumio! I don't want your shit name or your shit hair! And I've got another soup idea for you - food and dickhead.
What you playing at?! It's a buffet, you can get more! That was mega, Grumio! You were like food-on-head! I know.
Bit of a waste of grub.
Nah, that's what he deserved.
I hate punks who mess people around.
Oy! I know what you did, you cheat! Ooh Come back here! You're the cheat, mate! You're nothing without bull powder! (GRUNTS) Bull powder or not, she's got one hell of an arm on her.
# Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah # Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah # Hear me calling # I came, I saw, I conquered # I came, I saw, I conquered # I came, I saw, I conquered # Can I conquer you? # Gotta believe me # I came, I saw, I conquered # I came, I saw, I conquered I came, I saw, I conquered Can I conquer you?