Reno 911! (2003) s03e02 Episode Script

- You're all fired.
So if you could turn in your guns and badges To the bailiff here.
I'm going to personally make sure that you all rot in prison.
- There has been a warrant issued For the arrest of district attorney mike powers.
- And what will this mean For the deputies of reno sheriff's department? - Well, they're probably gonna walk scot-free.
- Released on parole, they are ineligible for civil service, But they are free, Free to do anything they want, Anything expect wear a badge.
District attorney mike powers.
Don't you want to find him, arrest him, clear your names? - No.
Not my job, not my job.
File that under somebody else's business.
- Both jonesy and I are seos here.
- Security enforcement officers.
- Here at the beautiful washoe county mall.
- Show me your tits.
Yeah! Hell, I didn't think she'd do it.
- ♪ do re mi fa so la ti do ♪ ♪ do ti la so fa mi re do ♪ I'm going to hollywood, Is what I'll say if I go.
- Hey, trudy, it's mike powers calling.
You're never gonna catch me Because you're all gonna be dead! mtv networks - Get him! Go! Go! Go! [electric current hums.]
- Ha ha! Hey, where's that guy? [siren.]
[light music playing on p.
A.
.]
- What's this guy doing? Hey! Hey! - Hey, man, what you doing? - Hey! - Hello! - Screw you, you nerds! - He's gotta pick that up! Pick that up! - Hey! - You'll never catch me alive, you nerds! - We got a runner! - We got a runner.
- Hey, you get back here! - Slow down! - Ho! Hey! Hey! - No, no! - Get back! Aah! - The cable's still plugged in.
- We're plugged in.
[breathing heavily.]
- Heh! Are you nervous? - Huh? Yeah.
- Ha ha ha! Me, too.
- Oh, fun nervous.
- Uh-huh.
I have to be careful.
My mom says I'm all teeth.
- Oh, I'm just nervous nervous.
I'm not fun nervous.
I'm just real nervous.
- Oh, this is fun.
This is fun.
This is the chance of a lifetime.
Heh heh heh! - Ha ha ha! Now it's fun nervous.
- I can sense that you're a sweet spirit.
- Oh, thank you! I'm jim.
- Oh, ruth.
I go by cameo hamilton.
- Oh, you have a go-by.
~ - uh-huh.
What's your name? - Jim.
But I don't have a go-by really.
- No? - No.
- Sorry.
- That's ok.
- I love your banjo.
- Oh, thanks.
It's good, yeah.
I thought it'd be neat.
- Because it sets you apart.
You look so familiar to me.
Like did you go to vocal academy on the east coast? - ♪ mmm ♪ - Maybe that's where-- - really briefly.
I was living in my car for a little while.
- No.
- Yeah, now I'm at the "y.
" It's pretty good.
- Oh, the ymca.
- Um - I tell you, you know what? You know how they say it's fun to stay there? - It's not.
- No, it is.
- Oh, good! Oh, that's awesome.
- It actually really is, yeah.
- That's good.
I mean, showers? I mean, you have stuff there.
- Oh, they have everything.
Oh, my god.
They got everything.
Have you never even stayed at a "y?" Oh, my god.
It's the best.
It's the best.
- What-ta to do to dye today at a minute to 2 to 2:00? I think distinctively hard to say and harder still to do.
Repeat a tattoo at a quarter to 2:00.
A rat-tat-tat-tat-tat- tat-tat-tat-tattoo.
And the dragon will come when they hear the drum At a minute to 2 to 2:00 today, at a minute to 2 to 2:00.
That presses that diaphragm.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- It's a water ride, asshole.
Yeah, I'm filling in for a guy Who lost his foot on this thing yesterday.
He was in there trying to fix it without stopping the thing.
So you try to learn from other people's mistakes.
Oh, puke check.
Oh, we're good.
Yeah, technically I'm in charge of maintenance on these things, Too, but, I don't know how this thing works.
Puke check.
We're good! "you'll never catch me.
Mike powers.
" That's like the third one of these I've gotten.
I better turn this in to the cops, take it to the crime lab, Check it for particles.
Yep, there's particles.
[siren, tires squealing.]
[siren.]
- Do I think about mike powers often? Um, no.
I could give 2 shits about mike powers.
I really don't.
- That's one more than I could give.
- Well, you know, what happened happened.
He'll get his, but it won't be from us.
- No, it's gonna be from them newbies down at the station.
- Good luck to you, new reno sheriffs.
I hope you get mike powers.
- All right, now, The plus about this house [airplane.]
Is that it's airport adjacent! - Yeah.
- Yeah! - You can really hear it because the planes fly so low Over the houses.
- What?! - The planes, because it's airport adjacent-- - That's what I'm saying! Airport adjacent! - The problem is that it's so loud, It's hard to imagine being able to do anything Because of the noise, Being so loud! [airplanes.]
We do like to travel, but we could, if we-- - You want to travel?! - It's not a problem if-- - whoa! Airport adjacent! - But the thing is, I think the luxury of being close to the airport [plane receding.]
Is overshadowed by the potential brain damage Caused by the noise of the planes flying so low overhead! - Why are you yelling? [man coughs.]
- Well, that one passed by.
Does that happen a lot with the planes? - Oh, no.
Uh-uh.
Not at all.
Not at all.
- I am on cloud nine.
And this is what I was meant to do, And if I have to sell incense from town to town To get more gas money to go see steely dan, That is what I'm gonna do, Because I just feel like we have a connection-- - Easy, ladies! We don't want another who concert! I am armed! Take it easy.
We don't want another altamont, now, do we? - Pick me! Me! - All right.
All right.
I know what he likes.
He's gonna like this.
Yes.
Come on through.
Oh, he's gonna like that.
Come on.
- This is pleather! This is pleather! - That's right.
All right.
That's it, ladies.
Will you two work together? - This is the tape of the assault.
We do have it all.
- We don't want you to worry.
We're gonna get this guy.
- We'll get him.
- We'll just pop it in.
See what we got, ok? - Ok, so, uhIt's just me.
I'm stacking the gouda Here at the cheese display, the sale bin.
- Yeah.
- All right.
That's them.
- Oh, golly.
There's 2 of them.
- They come in.
All right? Now, I wave hello, but it wasn't like--it was a friendly wave, Is what we're taught there, but it wasn't like, "hey, come over and start raping me wave," you know.
- Right.
- No.
- So I'm stacking the cheese, all right? They're giving me the eye.
Now, they say something, but I don't look at them And now they start coming.
- Oh! - And that's when they grab me.
They're grabbing me there.
- Oh, by the hair.
- By the hair, which I couldn't believe they did that.
- Ohh! - Ohh, my goodness! Holy shit.
How are you standing? Why aren't you down? - This is where they're really working me.
At this point, I'm thinking I can get away.
I almost do.
I almost got it, but then they pull me back.
They pulled me back very hard there.
And now I'm over the bin.
I'm over the-- - Ooh! - Ohh! - This is reliving hell.
This is reliving hell.
- Please, god.
How long is this? How long is this? - This goes on for another 2 minutes.
- Well, there's--oh! Ohh! - God! - Oh! - Oh! - You know what they're doing? And how are they doing it.
- They're using your own shoe.
- Yes! - Now it's your shoe.
- This is where I black out.
I black out here and now-- - thank god you did.
- Good for you, good for you.
You don't know what's happening.
- Yeah, you don't-- - oh! - God! Oh, that's where the serving stone went, which was lost.
- That's horrible.
- That is horrible.
[cell phone rings.]
- Oh, god.
Hello.
- Garcia, it's mike powers.
- Who? - It's mike powers.
I'm coming for you, man.
- It's mike powers.
- I'm coming for you and your buddy, jones - Again? So you guys better lock the door, Because I am going to take your heads off! - Those people are watching me get raped.
And I'm getting raped hard.
- Oh, god! - Hello? - Garcia? - Oh, god.
Stop.
- Oh! My, god.
Stop! - Let me describe him.
I didn't see his face.
One guy was free.
I'm thinking armenian.
- Armenian.
- The other guy had a great body, very good skin, Probably does pilates.
You don't want to write this down? - No.
Prob--no.
- So what do we do? How do we--so tell me you can just get this guy.
- Well-- - actually - We can't.
Our jurisdiction pretty much goes from the orange julius To the, uh - Hot dog on a stick.
- I've received a whole bunch of threatening text messages From mike powers along the lines of, "oh, you're gonna get it.
" "oh, I see you.
I can see you right now.
Do you know where I am?" "how would you feel to be a head in the box?" That sort of thing, but, you know, I'm trying to get my junk mail filter to work on this.
- Ah, oh! [applause.]
- Oh, wow! - Oh, my god! - Congratulations.
- All right! - Oh, my god.
- Oh, my god.
- Break a leg.
- Ok.
- Oh, my god.
- I love you! Ha ha ha! We're gonna do this.
- Ok.
We're gonna do it.
- All right.
Crank it up.
- Crank it up! - Crank it up.
Crank it up.
Ha ha ha! All right.
- Ok.
Her hair smells like a urinal cake.
I'm just callin' it like I see it.
Oh, honey.
- Oh, my god.
- Oh, my god! - I made it! - Oh, my god! Oh, my god! - I'm gonna cry! - Ohh! - I'm going to hollywood! Ok, sparkle.
- Oh, hi.
- Oh, my god.
Jimmy.
Jimmy! [siren.]
[siren.]
[car crashes.]
- So I guess this is the end.
All the old gang's pretty much splittin' up, Goin' their separate ways.
Clemmy thought it'd be nice to get everybody together One last time.
There they are.
Maybe you could give us a little bit of privacy for this, joe? Hi! - Hey! - There he is.
- Don't start the party without me! - Look out, everybody, the boss is comin'! - Oh, no, the old--ha ha ha! - The gang's all here! - Oh, trudy, trudy, you came.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- Hey! - Well, everybody, everybody came! - Yeah.
- Everybody came! - I'm gonna miss you guys.
I'm really gonna miss you guys.
- This is pretty awesome.
- This was a wonderful idea, but-- - Great idea.
Clemmy.
To clemmy! The founder of the beast! - Junior told me about it.
I just - Yeah, I thought it was your idea.
- Well, I called you because I got an e-vite from raineesha, Thank you very much.
- Cheers! - No, I didn't send you an e-vite.
- It was I who sent the e-vite.
- It's mike powers! - Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Easy, easy, easy.
- Hi, guys.
Thanks for coming.
- You're welcome.
- How you all been? Good? - Real, real good.
- Real, real good.
- Yeah, yeah, we're good.
- Happier than ever.
- You know how I've been? - Wanted? - Yeah.
I figured By the time this story got out, You guys would be the first ones on me.
I mean, I figured why not bring the game to you Before you could bring the game to me? No, no, we're not bringing any game-- - Makes sense, right? Makes sense.
- Mike, we're out.
We're out of law enforcement.
- Shut up! - Got it.
There's gonna be no talking, there's gonna be no screaming.
Don't do anything stupid.
- Aah! - Trudy! [gunshot.]
Trudy! [all speaking excitedly.]
- Aah! - Shut up.
All right, fuck it.
That's it.
I'm gonna waste you.
That's it.
That's it - No, no, no, no! - That's it! That's it! Get down! - Shoot! There's nothing that way! She's headin' out into the desert.
- What do you mean, there's nothing that way? I gotta go run after her! - There's nothing in that direction but donner pass.
You got coyotes, rattlesnakes, and mountains.
She got lost in the mall once, mike.
- True.
Totally true.
- She's gone, for sure.
- We're gonna play a little game.
It's called dig your own grave.
I put a couple of digging implements over there, Some shovels, some picks.
I want you all to grab one and line up right over here! Go! Go! - All right, all right.
All right.
- All right.
- Come on, come on.
Right along here.
All right.
Come on.
- Oh, darn.
- It's almost 3:00 in the morning.
I mean, come on.
Let's go.
Guys, seriously, can you, really, go a little faster? - We really are trying.
- This ground is hard as a-- - you could've wet the ground.
- Can I say something, people? If you do it, don't use your back and your arms.
Use your body.
Like, see what I'm doing? - You see what he's doing? - ♪ dinah, blow your horn ♪ - all right.
- ♪ dinah, won't you blow ♪ - ♪ whoo! ♪ - ♪ whoo! ♪ - ♪ dinah, won't you blow ♪ - ♪ dinah, won't you blow ♪ - ♪ whoo ♪ - ♪ your horn ♪ - ♪ dinah, won't you blow? ♪ - whoo! - What? - I'm just throwin' this out and see who agrees with me.
We were just followin' orders.
If you're gonna kill anybody, it's dangle.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey! What the fuck? What the fuck? - I understand.
However, I feel that you're all out here now.
I feel like we've started this thing and I'd like to finish it.
I would feel a lot better if we finished it the way I want to do it, which is where I shoot you all.
- You know what? There's a place about 15 miles that way Where we could rent a backhoe.
- No more talking! - ♪ is it ok if I sing a question then? ♪ [screaming.]
- Oh, god! [siren.]
[siren.]
[car crashes.]
- Ohh! - Oh, man! - Can we talk now? - Aah! - Hey! Hey! - You motherfucker! - Mike, mike, mike! Look! You don't have to shoot me.
You don't have to shoot anybody.
We are not sheriffs anymore.
- Come on.
- No, we don't have a badge! - You all want a piece of me.
You want to see me go down.
I know the whole deal.
- We don't care! - You can't wait until I'm behind bars.
- Leave.
We don't represent the law.
We don't represent nevada.
I don't represent shit.
Go! - You guys really don't care.
- We don't! - Go! - Mike, our names are we don't give a shit! - That's right! - I gotta tell you, I did a lot of bad shit, man.
I cut off a lot of hookers' heads.
- They're hookers.
- Everybody does some bad stuff.
I love child pornography.
Who am I to throw stones? First day of the rest of your life, mike.
Go.
- On one condition.
- Name it.
- I can have one more cigarette.
- Take the pack.
- Cool.
- Leave me one.
- Yeah, sure, sure.
- Don't look back.
No hard feelings.
- No hard feelings.
- See you, mike.
[siren.]
- Police! Put that gun down, mike.
- Oh, my god.
All right! - Hurry up! Get him! Get him! [overlapping radio transmissions.]
- Hi, mike.
- Hi, scott.
- Let me begin by saying That that is some of the best police work I have ever seen.
We've been hiding in that bush for an hour.
You kept him here long enough to get a confession out of him That is so perfect, so airtight.
I swear, everything is gonna stick on this guy.
I am sorry, mike.
Everything is gonna stick, so I'm glad that I get to be the one to tell you, You are gettin' reinstated.
You can say hello to your badges once again, people.
Ahh, great work.
Really, I'm proud.
I'm proud.
Ok.
Mike, That's crazy.
- Good morning, gang.
- Good morning.
- Okey-doke.
Uh I was, uh Fuck it.
Never mind.
- What? What were you gonna say? - I was gonna get my daytime emmy pool going again, but - Susan lucci's just gonna get the shaft again anyway.
- Yep.
[heavy sigh.]
[tires screeching.]
- What the hell? - Oh! - Son of a bitch! - Yeah! - We're gonna get you, eddie! - Hey, let's get him! Ho ho! One more! - Aah! - Aah! - Ooh! - Aah! - Mike, what the hell's he breathing to? What are you talkin' about? Mike, mike, mike, mike! You ok? - He was fresh.
He stuck his tongue right in my mouth.
- What the hell you doin', mike? - I thought you was someone else.
[both shouting.]
- Oh!! Son of a bitch! She tricked me.
- No! - Get out of the way! - Get out of the way! Get out of the way! - Oh, shit! Oh, shit! - Junior! - Lieutenant, this is me.
Please.
[spray hissing.]
Aah! Aah! - I'm a dog who should be sent out to pasture.
Ooh.
- I don't want to see you in reno.
I don't even want to see you in nevada.
You hear me? - Ok! - Only one of you will be the best of the best! And only one is what our current budget situation allows, So I apologize for that.
I wish I could take you all, but I can't.
[all whooping and shouting.]
- Oh, god.
Her buttocks are right on my ear.
- Take that, you fucking commie! mtv networks Captioned by the national --Www.
Ncicap.
Org-- - I grew up in a religious home.
- Oh! - Oh, I grew up with my uncle frederick.
Um - No, daddy? - No.
Well, my dad had 2 families.
One was in chicago, And one was in arkansas.
And I was the arkansas family That he didn't see so much.
Um, my mom blew her brains out.
It's a long story.
Frederick's a good person.
He's really sweet.
- He obviously raised you right.
- He's got a firm hand.
- Ha ha ha.
- He's a drinker.
He drinks.