Rescue Me s03e02 Episode Script

Previously on rescue me let me get this straight.
I'm bangin' my science Teacher.
Mrs.
Turbody? Do you want to ask me Something? Quite frankly, missy, I'm Pretty disgusted.
I'll only discuss this off School grounds over drinks.
You're tellin' me that I Have to put my wife of 31 years Into a home? Good-Bye, jerry.
Hey, daddy.
She never even had the Decency to come to her own Mother's funeral! She's changed.
Now come on over here.
Hey, probie, you know Anything about this chick Garrity's been seein'? Nah.
He's been pretty Tight-Lipped about her.
I know She's older, though.
So, uh, have you given any More thought to, you know, when We might, uh tell Tommy? Yeah.
No.
You can't keep your eye On your own son while he rides His bike down the goddamn block.
You came to me and asked to Be taken back in.
There's blood On my hands, there's blood on Your hands, too.
You know the only good thing To come out of this is that now I don't have to watch Connor Grow up and turn out exactly Like you.
I don't belong to f-Bomb Anymore.
I don't belong to Anyone.
He took the money? Yes, sir.
How long did you know her? Uh, a little over a month.
Said she could buy her way out If she had enough money to give To her pimp.
I gave her $18,000.
Did she give you a name? She told me her name was Candy.
So Janet's not gonna go The lawyer route, so you don't Have to waste any more of your Money.
Uh-Huh.
She wants you to cover All of her expenses and the Costs for the girls.
Is she seein' someone? Is everybody coming to the Party? Yeah, I'm just waitin' to Hear from a few people.
Some People I hope I never hear from.
It's my party.
I want the Whole goddamn family there, Including Janet.
I know, but it is gonna ruin It for Tommy.
It's gonna be a Total disaster.
I can see it.
Are you kiddin'? We're gonna Have chink food and birthday Cake.
You can't have a disaster With that combination.
If they Had had chink food and birthday Cake at normandy, world war ii, Over.
Does Tommy talk about me? Oh, for Christ sake.
Get me a Cup of tea.
'Cause this whole comin' over Here and lookin' after you Thing, I mean, is it really About comin' over here and Lookin' after you, or is it some Kind of, you know thing.
Now, look, I pissed the bed 3 Times in the last 15 days.
I Can't drive anymore, and I can Barely walk.
Believe me, the Last goddamn thing this is is a Goddamn thing.
What thing? Oh, this thing.
Look.
What is it? It's a travel mug, so you can Drink your coffee on the way to Work.
It's nice, right? Oh, yeah, it's gorgeous.
You Know, they should put a little Screen in the side so you can Watch gay porn in between sips.
It's nice! It's gay.
It's got a no-Spill feature.
A lot of these mugs, they say That they have it, and it's Total bullshit because this has A absolute no-Spill feature.
I read about it in gq.
Really? Who wrote the Article, brian boitano? Listen, speaking of brian Boitano, Janet's coming to the Party.
So? Just so you know.
I don't care.
It's a family Event.
She should be there.
I Got no problem with that.
Unless She brings her new boyfriend, in Which case, I'm gonna stick this Brokeback coffee travel thing Right up his goddamn ass.
You know she's got a guy? She didn't waste much Time, did she? And people call Me a whore.
Well, they do.
I gotta go.
Wait, wait, wait, take your Mug.
No.
Take it.
Take it.
I don't want it.
Why not? I quit smokin'.
If I have Coffee in the car, I'm gonna Want a smoke, so oh, bullshit, you quit Smoking! We all quit smokin' down at The house, OK? Everybody put 50 Bucks into, you know, the pool, And last man standing gets to Take the whole kitty.
Oh, oh, the mug's Too gay, but the word "kitty," Even without there bein' a cat Around? Apparently not! Wow, 6 guys.
You know, if Only 3 of them screw up, that's A nice chunk of change.
Yep.
What are you gonna do if you Win? Buy some cigarettes.
Wait, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.
Listen, I was gonna come back This afternoon and check up on Pops, but I can't 'cause now I Have a parent-Teacher meeting at Damian's school.
About what? I don't know bad grades, bad Attitude.
He ever mention a Teacher to you, a Ms.
Turbody? Tss no.
Nope.
'Cause that's who I'm Meeting.
She must be pretty Special 'cause Damian just loves Her.
Really? Yeah.
Yeah.
What? You've seen her.
Seen who? What are you Talkin' about? Oh, God, I know! I know, not Only do you know who she is, but You've actually seen her, and You obviously think she's hot! Come to I know all your grunts and Your tics and your tells.
Really? Yeah, inside and out, Especially the tell that Involves the "uh-Huh" with your Tongue lickin' at your lower Lip.
It means you are lying at Your basest level.
I gotta go.
I can read you like a Dog-Eared goddamn book.
OK, I was dropping him off For the sex talk thing, and he Pointed her out.
Don't forget to give dad his Enema.
Wait.
What? Gotcha.
Nnh! * on another day, Come on, come on, With these ropes I tied, Can we do no wrong? Now we grieve 'Cause now is gone, Things were good When we were young, With my teeth locked down I can see the blood Of a thousand men Who have come and gone, Now we grieve 'Cause now is gone, Things were good When we were young, Is it safe to say? Come on, come on, Was it right to leave? Come on, come on, Will I ever learn? Come on, come on, Come on, come on, Come on, come on * Sony pictures television.]
Hey, day tour starts at Oh, really? I didn't know.
Tommy here yet? Yeah, he just got here a Couple of minutes ago.
Can I Talk to ya? About that smokin' thing? What? Never mind.
I have a situation.
Uh, that Place where I have jeannie? The place in connecticut.
Yeah.
They just raised the Monthly rent another 250 bucks.
Jeez.
I mean, it's not that I don't Have it, but I just, uh, figured If I did get in a pinch, maybe I Could come to you.
I don't know, jer.
Tommy's dealin' with his Wife, and his finances are a Mess, and the young guys, I Mean, those Julio fongulios are Livin' paycheck to paycheck.
Right.
I mean, it's not like you're Hurtin' for money, right? I Mean, you just sold the house.
You must be sittin' pretty.
Yeah, well, you know, I had To give half to the ex-Wife, Plus I had a second mortgage to Pay off.
I mean, I'm sittin', But it ain't pretty, believe me.
Well, this'd only be a couple Of hundred bucks, and that's if I even need it.
Did you ever think about Maybe, you know, movin' her Someplace.
I mean, someplace Cheaper? It's not like she's Gonna know.
Jesus, Lou.
I'm sorry, jer.
I'm but, look, just if I need a Couple of hundred bucks, I mean, Can I come to you? Sure.
You sure? Yeah.
Sure, it's fine.
Thanks, kenny.
So anyways, he spits the Cigar out like I didn't even see Him, you know? Right in front of Me.
Yep.
Second offense, that's You, lieutenant kenny shea.
Do you mind if we, uh, call The kitty the can from now on? Why? Ah, it's just an idea.
What's, uh what's going on With that? Oh, nothing.
I'm, uh, Thinking about taking the Lieutenant's exam.
Really? Yeah.
You know, uh, the test In a few months.
Well, if you're looking for Less fires and more paperwork, I Guess that's a good idea.
I don't know, Tom, you Know, I'm just, um, thinking About, you know, wanna better Myself, my position.
Uh-Huh.
Well, I don't know.
Life's All about moving up, right? You know, frankie, uh, when I Started out, first firehouse I Was in, it was me and 4 fat Guys, and I think sometimes we Forget what a good crew we have Here, you know? I mean you take That test and you just get Assigned.
You could end up with A midget and and 4 idiots, but You're in charge.
Is that what You want? I got a kid at home, Tom, OK? A puerto rican kid.
You know, Her mom was a spic.
I'm a spic, And she's gonna end up stuck in New York city public schools For, like, the next goddamn Decade unless I do something About it.
I mean, personally, I'd like to see her in the best Private schools in the city with Wealthy white kids, schools Where they don't, you know, stab Or kill each other.
Where they Just do really good drugs, get Incredible grades, And go to great white colleges, Do even better drugs, and then Graduate with well-Connected White friends who can help them Get hired into the upper Echelons of white American Society.
Now those schools, they Top out at what, like, 15 grand A year now? And ultimately in College almost 50k a pop.
Now if I'm a lieutenant making almost Know, you know, Between me and the federal Government, maybe I can pull it Off.
She's puerto rican, man.
She's also a girl with no mom.
I Need to do her solid.
I gotcha.
You know they they Have blow-Job contests in those Private schools.
There was a Huge article in the new yorker Magazine about it.
Yeah, I read it, Tom.
You Know, I don't know.
Maybe I'm Hoping my kid has a shot at Winning one of those.
Holy shit.
How much? Holy shit.
It's only been a Couple days.
I know, but Tommy put in 50.
Lou put in 50.
I put in 50.
How much you put In? No way.
Way, bro.
What happened? I went to have dinner with Polack dave.
You remember polack Dave.
Yeah.
He's a nice guy.
Yeah.
Not even polish.
Weird, Huh? Anyway, his wife makes Dinner, apple pie for dessert.
Strike one.
I can't have apple Pie without having a cigarette.
What? Yeah.
It's a chemical thing.
Yeah, I get that totally.
I Got the same thing, only for me It's chocolate.
Yeah.
No, mine's apple pie.
Oh, and I had another cigarette When I was having sex with my Girlfriend.
Yeah, the old cigarette after Sex.
No, it's more like during.
You know, she was on top and I, Uh, I couldn't really focus, you Know, get the job done watching Her inhale, so I light up, bing Bang boom, saints go marching In.
Mmm.
You're awfully quiet Over there, Lou.
Nothing to add? Oh, don't worry.
Soon as I Think of something as equally Idiotic, I'll chime right in.
Put your, uh, money in the Can there, uh, smoky? You're a regular riot, alice.
Tommy bagged Lou crossing a Street with a big old heater Goin'.
Oh, busted, Lou.
That's 100 Bucks in the kitty.
In the can.
100 bucks in the Can.
Well, kitty, can, whatever.
Come on, sailor, pony up.
Look, sorry, guys.
I'm a Little light today, all right? What are you talking about? You always got a wad of cabbage On you.
Yeah, well, not today, all Right? Don't worry.
I'll get it In there.
Well, when? Well, what, you don't think I'm good for it? L I didn't say that.
I told you I'm gonna put it In there.
So when? Like by the end of The day? You know what? Screw you Guys, all right? You make your Own goddamn lunch.
I'm done.
Lou shut your face.
I'm done, you Bunch of assholes.
> Whoo hoo hoo.
What did I do? Uh, he's been a little bit on Edge lately.
I guessed that.
Yeah.
The no smoking thing Isn't helping.
Stop talking about me! We're not talking about you.
Bullshit.
Aish.
You're coming to the Party, right? Yes.
Yeah? You gonna bring your New girl? Uh yeah, we can finally get a Look at her, you know.
No, no.
She's not gonna make It.
She's not gonna be there at All.
At all.
No, not at all.
She, uh, she Can't, um, she can't come late To things, so she's just, you Know, it's, like of all the People at the party, she's not Gonna great.
Great.
You bringing Somebody somebody less Complicated hopefully? Uh, no.
I'm banging this Chick, but I never seen her out With people.
If she eats the way She gets it on, well, nobody Needs to see that.
Really? Yeah.
Well, I'm coming, too, by Myself, and it's the last thing I'm saying to you assholes.
Still pissed off about that Kitty bullshit.
You you mean the can Bullshit.
What can? You're pissed off about the Can bullshit, right? What can you talking I Messed up the can? OK, forget the can.
All right, you know what? Screw the kitty.
Screw the can.
Whatever.
That's all I'm saying To you guys, all right? From now On, I'm not here! All right! Holy shit.
Jesus.
Who you bringing, Tom? Let's put it this way.
Condoleezza rice, at this stage, Is using her cock more than I'm Using mine, all right? I can't believe what I'm Hearing here, man.
I mean, what The hell is happening to us? I know.
Not to me, actually.
You Know, I been banging it out like A goddamn sledge hammer.
But you, Tommy, come on.
I know.
All right.
We got to take Immediate action.
We're gonna Get you laid, and we're gonna Get you laid.
Matter of fact, We're gonna get everybody laid.
I say we go on a lotus field Trip tonight.
Who's with me? I'm in.
I don't know, frank.
You don't know.
Jesus Christ, Probie, what's not to know, OK? It's lotus.
Models, actresses.
Did I mention models? Mm-Hmm.
Hey, I'm in, but only as a Wing man.
Team player.
Got a girl.
I don't wanna Mess it up, but I'll go to be a Team player, you know? Plus, There's models.
Good man.
Tom? Nah.
Changed my mind.
Hey, Lou, you coming? Already booked us a table.
All right, Jesus, I got to Talk to somebody, man.
It's Killin' me.
Why? What's goin' on? Well, you know this girl that I been seein'? Yeah.
It's pretty serious, man.
I Think I think she might be the One.
No shit.
Who is she? Well, see, that's the Problem.
It's Maggie, Tommy's Sister.
Get away from me.
What? Why? I don't know you.
I don't Want to know you.
I don't even Want to know this information, Sean, 'cause that alone is Grounds for him to come after me Once he's done you in.
Oh, come on.
You really think He's gonna be that upset? Come On, we been friends for like 8 Years.
Seano, years ago, a guy from A Christmas party.
Grabbed her Ass.
Long story short, the guy's Got fake teeth and a dent in his Forehead now.
Jesus, an actual dent? Yeah, well, you know, they Call it a dent.
It's actually More like a giant hole.
Wow.
Ow.
Oh, shit, Sean.
There must be You gotta pick Tommy's sister? Not to mention she's insane.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no, no, no.
Brother, I'm not sayin' insane like some Kind of judgment thing.
I'm Sayin' like the very serious Mental disorder.
She's a total Wack job.
I know.
I know, but that's that's like why she's perfect For me, you know? It's like why I became a firefighter.
I run Into a burning building, my Heart's beatin' a mile a minute.
I don't know if I'm gonna get Out of this alive.
That's what It's like bein' with her.
It's Like she could snap at any Minute and, like, you know, take Me out.
It's really she's Dangerous.
I like it.
Ha ha.
You Know what? I'm gonna tell Tommy What's goin' on.
I gotta tell Him.
Yeah? Well, here's your Chance, champ.
Good luck.
Douche bag, hey, next time I Find your Scott pack in a seat Where my ass belongs, you're Gonna find my Scott pack halfway Up your goddamn colon.
OK, you know what? Maybe I'll, uh, tell him later.
Yeah.
Seems busy.
All right, all right.
Thanks, baby.
Yo, who's Gettin' this.
I thought it was Lou's round.
Yeah, perfect time for him to Disappear.
I'm tapped, guys.
I got it, boys.
Good man.
There is plenty of talent Here tonight, boys.
You can't Make it here, you can't make it Anywhere.
There's a dame that's Been checkin' us out all night.
Oh, yeah? Where? At the end of the bar.
Sexy.
Very sexy.
Ah, sure of herself.
Independent.
Yep.
With a great rack.
I'm Goin' over.
You know, she looks like my Mom.
What did you say? That lady, she reminds me of My mom.
Shit.
Your mom is that hot? Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, Hotter really.
Your mom has that kind of Face? Those lips? That kind of, Uh, rack? Yeah, well, uh, my mom's rack Is a little bigger, actually.
OK, you know what? Where do You get off mentioning your mom And the word "rack" in the same Sentence? I'm just sayin', my mom, She's got like a large set of, You know she's really in terms Of the enough! Jesus Christ.
What? God damn it.
I was gonna go Over and talk to that chick.
Let Me qualify that 'cause she's not A chick.
In a room full of self- Involved, young, titless Little chicks, She's a woman, OK? A real woman.
Probably a very, very witty and Wonderful woman.
With a great rack.
The rack was secondary, OK? It doesn't matter now, but the Point being, I can't go over and Talk to her now.
Well, why? Why not? Because even if I went over And talked to her and got her to Go home with me somehow and got Her to reveal the aforementioned Great rack, all I'd be thinkin' About is your mom's rack and how Great your mom's rack is.
Not That I've ever thought of your Mom's rack before, but that's All I can think of now! Your Mom's rack! Whoa, hey, you know what? My Mom's married, pal, OK? Jesus.
What? Forbidden fruit, ball-Face.
You mean like melons? Yeah, hey.
Hey, it's me your ex.
Because you sounded Like you didn't know who listen, listen, you know my Father's watch, the Gold watch That they gave him? I need it.
Well, because it's mine, that's Why.
Yeah, well, look, I realize That that was the plan, but we Never had a son, so there's no One to pass it on to, so I want It back.
Listen, I'm comin' over in the Morning, and you're gonna give It to me, and I don't want any Bullshit, OK? End of discussion! Oh, really? Oh, you're goin' Away for the weekend? Oh, that Must be nice.
It must be nice to Be able to do that.
I want my Watch! Jesus Christ, would somebody Please make a move? I'm just watchin'.
Yeah, Chief, that's the Problem.
We're all just Watchin', OK? What the hell's The probie doin'? 900 pounds of Fresh ass in here, he's over There talkin' to some dude.
It's his friend hank.
He went Through the probie school with Him.
Yeah, well, that's real Sweet.
Excuse me, guys.
Do I know You? Because I was sitting over There with my friend, gail that's her over there.
Hi, gail.
Anyway, I'm sitting over there, And I'm looking at you, and I'm Thinking, "I know this guy.
I Know I know him.
" How do I know You? Uh, maybe she's seen you on The news, Tom.
Mmm! You're a reporter.
No, no.
I'm a I'm a Firefighter.
Oh, like a real new York city Firefighter? That's amazing, the Job that you do.
Yes, uh.
Tommy Gavin.
Nice to Meet you.
How are ya? Can I buy you a drink, Tommy Gavin, firefighter, sir? Um, no, but I'll do you one Better.
I'll buy you a drink.
OK.
All right, after you.
All right, if I'm not back in an Hour, forget about me.
It's a total no-Brainer.
I Know a couple of other guys from Our class.
As soon as we become Regular firefighters, we're all Transferring to other houses.
Yeah, hank, I don't know.
You Know, the guys in my crew, They're like my family.
Yeah, but, you don't live With your family now, do you? Look, in a couple of months, You're not gonna be a probie Anymore, but I guarantee you, if You stay in your house, no Matter what you do, no matter How long you're there, you're Always gonna be the probie.
You Gotta get out, Mike.
Hey, where the hell did you Take off to? Oh, Paris.
The best place to Take a piss this time of night.
Tommy found something? No, somethin' found him, and It looks like you have a secret Admirer.
You ever seen Garrity's mom? Nope.
Good luck and godspeed.
Wow.
Thank God I took the Time to paddle my balls before I Left the house.
How do I look? Pretty drunk.
Well, a little more might Help.
Ah! Oof.
I'm good.
Hi there.
I just, um, thought I'd, uh, come over and introduce Myself, you know.
Let you know That it's OK, you know, that I Kind of get checked out by women All the time.
'Cause as you may Know or, you know, may suspect, I'm, uh, with the FDNY, you Know? America's heroes, blah Blah blah blah blah.
I'm, uh I'm lieutenant ken shea, at your Service.
And you are? Kenny, just go Get the guy in the black shirt For me, all right? She wants you.
Me? Well, I'm young enough to Be her well, hell, there's Nothin' else goin' on.
Garrity, This doesn't work out, your Mother's tits are on deck.
That's not funny.
Oh, it's funny.
Uh, no, it's not.
You know, I always thought The national cheerleading finals Would be like the most exciting Night of my life, but here I am Talking with a real live Firefighter, and suddenly, I Can't even remember a single Cheer.
How old are you? You're Like 45, right? I'm guessing 44 Or 45.
I'm really good at Guessing people's ages.
I don't Know why, but I can just look at Them, and I'll be right within Like 2 years.
You are, like, 46.
Wait, no, no, wait, wait.
You're Ha! Oh, my God, you're like the Same age as my dad.
Why does That turn me on? You know, my buddy just told Me you wanted me to come over And say hello, so that's what I'm doin'.
Hi.
Hi.
Yeah.
Nice meetin' you.
So you're intimidated.
What? No.
The thought of being with an Older woman who knows exactly What she wants and what she Gets, and she knows exactly how To keep it.
I mean, that kind of Scares you a little bit, huh? You know, I've really gotta Get back to my buddies.
Aren't you tired of girls? I Mean, a guy like you, the way You look, I'm sure they're Swarming all over you like bees To a blossom, huh? Yeah.
But you're not really Happy, are you? I mean, in bed.
Of course, maybe, but Afterwards, when you go to talk To them or you see them with Unclouded eyes, then you realize They're just made of paper, and The only sound they really make Is just the crinkle when you Ball them up and you toss them Aside.
Don't you think you Deserve a woman who's made of More than paper? Uh I have business in milan.
I'm Leaving on Monday, which gives Us an entire weekend full of Possibilities, doesn't it? Oh, yeah.
Be safe.
Think she still uses a rotary Phone? Joking.
All right, so I gotta get goin'.
That's one extremely hot Piece of ass you caught there, My friend.
I expect a full Report.
You got it.
So, I'll, uh see ya.
Uh, what's wrong, Tom? She talks a lot.
Oh.
I mean, like a real lot.
I Mean, in the course of the last Half-Hour, she's said more than Most people say in a week.
I Actually thought I saw sparks Comin' off her tongue at one Point.
Well, you know, she's Probably just nervous.
You know, Meetin' a firefighter and all.
Right.
Yeah.
It'll be fine, man.
All right.
See ya.
I like a man who drives a Truck.
I know people say that a Man's vehicle's connected to the Way they feel about the size of Their penis, but I totally don't Buy that one.
But, I mean, I've Been with guys who are really Well hung, and they drove these Little sports cars, and I was With this guy who drove a hummer And his penis was like a roll of Dimes.
Maybe there is something To it.
I don't know.
It's just Silliness anyway.
I'm sure You'll totally prove the theory Wrong, no pressure at all.
My Father's like, "if you want to Be an actress in new York, That's all well and good, but There is no way that my daughter Is gonna live in some shithole And starve to death.
" So he Found me this apartment, which Was really nice, but I was like, "Daddy, there's no way you're Gonna pay for the whole thing Because I need to be an Independent person and Responsible for myself.
" So I pay 300 a month, and he Pays the other 2,200.
Did you happen to see my floors When we walked in? I just got Them redone and there's paint on Them, and I told them not to.
I Told them it was my new floors, To put down some, like, paper or Tape or something, and then it's There, and I must've told them, Like a million times.
What do I Do? I mean, I called them and They wouldn't ohh oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
You this is so good.
You are Really good at this.
Uh you know, most guys, they get Down there, and it's like they Need a map printed out.
It's Like they need it tattooed on Your inner thigh or something.
It's like, come on.
They need, Like an arrow that says put Tongue here.
Why did you stop? What's wrong? Oh, you're Thirsty.
Oh, there's vodka in the freezer Or beer in the fridge, unless You want water and then I have One of those filter thingies on The tap, which I don't know why Because all the reports say that New York has the freshest, Cleanest drinking water ever.
Ooh, you naughty boy.
Tape! All right, girls, day out With dad.
You can buy whatever You want.
Food, clothes, cds.
Why? What do you mean, why? 'Cause I want to do something nice for My girls.
Why? I want to buy grandpa a Birthday present.
See? There you go.
Your Sister's in the spirit.
Why Can't you come along for the Ride? Well, I don't know.
I know You, maybe.
You're either trying To mess with mom, or you've been Drinking.
I'm not trying to mess with Mom.
Unbelievable.
You can't be Nice to people without here.
There's 300 bucks.
Wow.
Yeah.
Go buy whatever you Want.
Meet us back here in half An hour, OK? Half an hour? I'll only be Able to try on, like, one thing.
All right, an hour.
An hour.
All right? OK.
Don't be late.
OK.
Thanks.
Jeez.
Unbelievable.
All Right, kiddo.
What do you want? Ice cream.
Honey, it's like it's like It's 14 degrees out here, but In my stomach, it's the 4th of July.
OK.
Ice cream.
Come in.
You have company.
No, leave that.
You come with Me.
Say hello.
Come on.
Look Who's here.
Hi, babe.
Bud, what a nice surprise.
Give me a kiss.
Ohh least I'm still bud.
Olivia, this is my brother Bud from arizona.
He lived out there Area now.
How far do you have to Come to see me? It's too far.
Look, uh, there's something I Want to talk to you about.
Give Us a minute, huh? Sure.
Jeannie, make sure you Show him your art.
Oh, bud, look at what I made.
Aren't they glorious? I made These.
Wow.
I learned how in one of my Classes.
This is the best school In the world.
The teachers, the Students, everyone is so nice, And they seem to like me.
They love you.
Everybody Loves you.
Look, jeannie, as Nice as this place is, I was Thinking it's a little bit far Away from home, and, well, I Have some brochures here.
There Are places just as nice as this, And look, it has a lake, they Have a pool, they have aqua Aerobics.
So many activities and You'd really I would die.
If you made me Leave here, I would die.
I love Everyone here, and they love me.
You just said so yourself.
Yeah, but don't make me go.
Please, Bud, you OK.
OK.
Please don't.
OK.
All right.
We'll work it Out.
Hmm? OK.
We'll work it out.
Shit.
All right, kiddo, now what? I'm still hungry.
You know what? Is your mother Not feeding you? Is that what's Going on? She says I'm having a growth Spurt.
I guess so.
There's a place on the next Block.
They have fries with Chili and cheese on them.
Honey uncle teddy took me once.
I Want some.
All right.
That's gonna sit Real well after a triple scoop Of rocky road.
Oh, God, babe.
That was Incredible.
What do you got, a Drink? You know what they say, Nothing like a little Cocktail after a little cock.
Not that your cock is little.
Oh, that's very funny.
'Cause I was gonna start crying, you Know.
Seriously, what is that? It's a Manhattan.
I'm going Through a retro phase with my Booze.
Yeah.
My mother used to drink Those.
She used to let me, uh, Have the cherry.
Ooh, can I have Your cherry? You know, you really look Like a retard when you make that Face.
What? Sorry.
If you knew me, you'd know I Never put fruit in drinks.
Cherries are for pies, slot Machines, and virgins.
You see Any of those around here? No, I sure don't.
Come here.
Hey, you make me spill, and I'll slit your goddamn throat.
All right.
Hey, uh, you know What? Tonight at, uh, at the Party yes.
We gotta be really careful, You know, I mean, like we Shouldn't touch each other or Barely look at each other, you Know? Yeah.
If Tommy finds out, He'll shit melons.
Yeah.
I mean, but if he did Find out, it wouldn't be that Bad, right? It's like he knows Me, and we're, you know, I mean, It's not like I'm a stranger.
No, Sean, it makes it worse.
Once I dated this guy, he was a Friend of Tommy's from high School, only the guy didn't tell Tommy he was seeing me.
Tommy Killed him.
He did not.
They found the guy strung up In his parents' garage.
So that's a that's a Suicide, right? Well, that's what Tommy Wanted it to look like.
Ohh yeah.
Maybe we should Be careful Yeah.
No shit.
Yeah.
Hey, you want to do That thing that we did before? You mean where I smoke and we Make out? Yeah, man, I really need it.
Give it to me.
All right, There, buddy.
So how'd you manage this, Ken? I was breaking into my Ex-Wife's to steal a watch that Belonged to my father so I could Pawn it to get money.
How'd you really do it? Broke a glass in the sink.
You know, I really shouldn't Be doing this.
Why not? You're a doctor.
I'm a veterinarian.
Well, you used to be a real Doctor.
Watch that.
How would you Like to be sewn up crooked? Sorry.
So how you doin'? I was sittin' out in my car, You know, just bleeding, and I Thought, why not just let nature Take its course? It's supposed To be a peaceful death, isn't It? Now here I am gettin' fixed Up by you.
For what? I mean, I Lost every cent I ever had.
I Got nobody in my life.
I'm out Drinkin' every night 'cause I Don't want to go home to the Goddamn rat hole that I live in, So so why didn't I just stay in The car? God, ken, you've got to come Over more often.
You're a hoot.
Oh, God, honey.
Yeah, we're Still on the pizza.
When will it be over? Well, about five minutes After we get to the ice cream, Honey.
Hold your head.
Yeah, There you go.
Perfect.
All Right.
What's that? Miniskirt I bought.
I hope you paid half price.
Why? 'Cause you only got half a Goddamn skirt.
It's goin' back.
No way.
It's going back.
Why? I'll tell you why.
Because Easy access.
That's why.
Every Boy at school's gonna be Droppin' his pens and his Pencils every time he sees you Walkin' down the hallway.
It's Goin' back.
That's good, sweetheart.
We're all the way to the chili Cheese fries now.
Good job.
Dad, I'm not interested in Boys.
Yeah, OK, I know that, but Lesbians pull the same tricks, OK? It's goin' back.
Ever since I turned my life Over to the lord Jesus Christ, My entire outlook on, like did you just what? What did You say? I'm a born-Again christian.
Bullshit.
I am.
Not in my house.
It's the hot new thing at School, OK? All my friends are Born-Again.
Yeah.
Look, I thought the hot New thing in school was blow- Jobs.
Blow-Jobs are so last year, Dad.
Shh! Catch up.
What's blow-Jobs? Uh, nothing, honey.
It's a Haircut thing.
Don't don't Worry about it.
Oh.
No ice cream, God damn It.
So what's the deal with These born-Again people? Well, it means that I accept Jesus Christ as my I know that part.
I'm talkin' About, you know, when it comes To sex.
What? When it comes to, you know, Sex.
Oh, um, no sex until Marriage.
Really? Mm-Hmm.
Cool.
I'm in.
But, wait, don't you want to Know about no, no, I'm good.
I'm good.
And one other thing.
Um, who's Your mom datin'? I can't tell you.
Pretty sure there's a thing In the bible where Jesus says That you should honor your Father and your mother, right? I think Jesus wants you to tell Me who your mom's seein'.
Yeah, but if I tell you, I'll Be dishonoring her, so I really Can't.
Uh-Huh.
What about all the Stuff I gave you the money to Buy today? Dad, when you want Information, you ask first, then You offer the bribe.
OK, that's How it works.
You did it the Wrong way around this time.
Duh, yeah, I know.
I was Tryin' to be nice.
Oh, and by the way, you're Gonna have to give me another Hundred to keep me from telling Mom about you getting katy sick.
Dream on.
I'm not givin' you Another dime.
Them I'm calling her right Now.
Go ahead.
See if I care.
, all right! Call yourself a Christian.
Unbelievable.
Yay.
Ice cream.
He used to bring us here When we were kids.
Nothing has Changed.
I think it's the same Wait staff, you know, same Chairs.
See that brown stain? I Think that's where I dropped Some ribs when I was, like, 9.
Yeah, it's hideous.
Yeah.
I tried to talk him into Someplace nice, but you know Your father.
Chinks, chinks, Chinks.
Ooh, not you, the food.
Oh, look at Damian.
He hates me.
He so did not want to come here Today.
Why? Well, because he wanted to Invite his teacher, that Ms.
Turbody, and I said no.
What?! I know, that's weird, right? That's insane.
Retarded.
I mean, I'm glad he likes Her, but he's like really into Her.
Should I be worried about It? Yeah, you should say Something.
That's that's crazy.
Oh, I gotta go check on the Cake.
You know, they wouldn't Let us bring our own in.
They Had to make it.
Yeah? It's probably gonna be a Gigantic fortune cookie with a Bunch of sweet and sour gook Stuffed in it.
Oh, not you the cake.
Yeah.
Ahem.
They're Gonna poison us all.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, goody.
Princess Janet is Here.
Party can officially Start.
Hey.
How you doin'? Pretty good.
Janet looks Great.
How you two doin'? Oh, fantastic.
She's, uh, at Least not goin' the lawyer Route, so I'll save some money That way, but she doesn't even Talk to me anymore, so, I mean, I have to go through Johnny to Arrange the kids and everything, You know? Yeah.
Maggie looks good, though, Huh? Oh, yeah.
Real good.
She Looks nice.
Yeah.
What's with the probie? The probie? Oh, yeah.
Me and Mike, basically, I'm doin' a Little bit of matchmakin'.
We Were at the club last night Talkin' to these 2 dancer Chicks.
I sealed the deal with My girl, but probie was like Totally not into it.
And this Girl basically had a sign on her Forehead that said, "nail me," So, anyway, I promised my chick That I'd hook 'em up tonight, Which I did.
And how was your chick? She's OK.
Kind of girl I call A firecracker.
You know, she's Got like one good bang in her.
That's about it.
What happened to your hand? You cut yourself shaving? That's A good one.
I broke a glass in the sink.
Now, listen, 3 of us guys have Got to stick together, right? The 3 losers who couldn't get a Date.
Right.
You're seein' somebody, Right? No.
Uh-Uh.
You are, right? Yeah, yeah.
I mean, nobody nobody here, but I am I'm Seeing someone, who's, uh she's someplace else tonight.
I Gotta pee.
I think he's dating somebody Here.
You? I just said I wasn't datin' Anybody here or anyplace else.
Jesus Christ.
Oh this is gonna be a lot More fun than I thought.
Hey.
Hey.
Club soda? Club soda.
I feel my liver Twitchin'.
Yeah, well, this is where it Happens.
You know, most people Who screw up in the program, This is the kind of thing that Does it.
You can go through all This trauma, pain, lose a kid, Stay straight as a goddamn Arrow.
A little innocent family Get-Together, you know, a little Birthday party, wham.
Simple.
It's, you know, perfect Combination of accessible booze, A little repressed hostility.
How do you handle it? I smoke a Ton of weed.
Asshole.
The birthday boy wants Everyone to know, dinner is Served! Oh, dinner is served.
The Birthday boy hey, honey, you ate hardly Anything at all.
Why don't you Try some of this spicy orange Chicken? What'd I do? It's OK, grandpa.
Did I tell You how much Jesus loves you? Yeah, a couple of times.
Tell Jesus to lay off, will ya? You Know, I'm glad he loves me, but That's how rumors get started.
Here comes the cake! * happy birth * Shut your hole! Now, I'm Warnin' all of you right now, Anyone who comes up with that Happy birthday bullshit, I'm Dropping my pants, takin' a leak On this cake, and walkin' the Hell out of here.
All right, everybody, on 3 give us some wisdom, dad.
Come on.
All right, seriously.
I never Expected to live this long.
Thought maybe the nazis would Get me, or the gooks.
Oh, not you.
The Japanese.
And we know how that turned Out.
16 kills no maybes.
And here I am.
You get older, You get wiser.
And if you're not A complete moron, you start to See things the way they really Are.
And I'm seein' the way Things are goin', this is Probably the last birthday cake I'll have my name on.
Hell, I wanted this to be funny.
Let's have cake.
Hear, hear.
Daddy? My stomach hurts.
Tommy! Tommy! Break it Up! Break it up! Hey, knock it off! Cut it out! Come on, Tommy! Tom! Tommy! Son of a bitch, Tommy, Cut it out! On my birthday.
Stop it now! Come on now, that's enough! That's enough! God damn it! Get off me! Take it easy.
Tommy! Tom, Tommy! Tommy! Hey, hey, Tommy! Hey, Tom! Hey, Tommy.
Get him.
Come on.
Calm down.
Come on, Tommy! Let him go, let him go.
Stop it! Stop it! Come on, Tommy, Enough, huh? [Dead to rights by the twilight Singers playing.]
* there is a rupture So I can never see you anymore, Nightmare's believable, Walkin' in to see If you've been here, Not sayin' it's easy, no, no, To feel it all or not at all, Somebody said, Lay down your gun, And when you lay it down, You're ready to run, Situation dire, It's gone away, It's not goin' away * * if she's your master, Then get down on your knees And beg for more, I'm not sayin' it's easy To live your life Like a little whore, 'Cause when you play with fire, Take your faith, It's not goin' away, Situation dire *