Roswell s03e02 Episode Script
Michael, The Guys and The Great Snapple Caper
So.
Mr.
''Gweerin.
'' Guerin.
This says you've been an emancipated minor for the Iast two years.
Yeah.
A Iot of responsibiIity for someone your age.
You Iike responsibiIity? Yeah.
Sure.
I Iike to stay on top of things.
I onIy got four notices! How can you cut off my power? I'm a big beIiever in seIf-discipIine.
I'II take it.
Aren't you worried that a second job might interfere with your studies? I think I can handIe it.
Okay, Iet's cut to the chase, Gweerin.
You aIready have a job fIipping burgers.
Why do you want a second job? WeII, there are many reasons.
But I think the primary one is.
.
.
.
PIease don't teII me that you're gonna ask me to pick up the check again.
.
.
.
.
.
because if so, I swear to God, MichaeI.
.
.
.
-FinanciaI.
KARL: I see.
And, I guess I sort of want to see what it's Iike out there in the worId.
CongratuIations.
You are now Meta-Chem PharmaceuticaI's newest security guard.
-When do I start? -Orientation is tomorrow night.
I'm not gonna be done at the Crashdown untiI 1 0.
-Is that too Iate? -We don't need you tiII 0200.
That's right.
Two to 7 every night.
You're working the graveyard.
I'II see you then.
MichaeI, The Guys And The Great SnappIe Caper MichaeI, The Guys And The Great SnappIe Caper LIZ: Dear Max, it's so horrible and so unjust to pass you in school and have to wonder whether some teacher's gonna call my father.
But no matter how hard my parents try, nothing can keep us apart.
I love you.
And even when I can't see you in the day I see you at night in my dreams.
And I have been dreaming about you.
Over and over, it's you and me holding hands and flying through the night.
I know it sounds cornball, but it isn't.
It's amazing.
Like Superman and Lois Lane in the first movie.
You know, the good one.
-He wasn't coming in.
-Let's get back to work.
He wasn't coming in here.
He wasn't breaking the ruIes.
We'II taIk about it after your shift, okay? This is so ridicuIous.
You can't keep us from seeing each other.
-Oh, tabIe 1 1 's waiting.
-Oh, Iook at that.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
KyIe? -Hey, son, how was work? KYLE: It sucked as usuaI.
Toby has me rehabbing brake pads again.
"Your credit rating may be adverseIy affected by this action.
" WeII, it's nice of them to Iet us know.
So how's the job search going? You got any prospects for a fuII-time weII-paying job in your future? WeII, actuaIIy, something did sort of come up.
-You got a job? -WeII, it's not exactIy a job.
It's sort of a.
.
.
.
How do I describe this? It's a business.
Kind of a smaII business.
This I Iike.
I Iike this.
SmaII business? That sounds profitabIe.
Okay, hit me.
Pitch me.
Make me proud.
I think I shouId pursue this a IittIe bit further.
-I'II teII you about it in a few days.
-Okay.
I can handIe that.
I think.
MichaeI, pIease.
Come out.
You've been in there an hour.
Go home.
I wiII see you tomorrow.
-No, I want to see it.
MICHAEL: Maria.
MARIA: Hey, Max.
-Oh, sorry.
Bad time? Is this some deranged sex thing? -I got a job.
-Security guard? Gotta start somewhere.
What are you doing here? -Nothing, I just-- -MaxweII, it's the middIe of the night.
What's going on? WeII, you heard about my dad and I.
That I moved out.
Yeah, you Ieft the Ioving parents, the cushy home, coIIege fund.
-Smart move.
-Yeah, I just.
.
.
.
Look, I need a pIace to crash for a coupIe days.
UntiI I figure something eIse out.
UntiI I figure something eIse out.
So how does the CheveIIe figure into this? -My car? -Do I get driving priviIeges? -Yes, MichaeI.
-The couch is yours.
Mr.
Ramirez, fancy meeting you here.
IsabeI Evans, isn't it? Aren't you out Iate for a schooI night? I'm in coIIege now.
Sometimes I'm out aII night.
I cannot beIieve we're meeting in a convenience store.
My parents never shop here.
Why don't you just teII them about us? EventuaIIy the smeII of microwave burritos is going to kiII the mood.
We wiII.
We wiII teII them.
We just have to ease them into it over a decade or two.
IsabeI, you're 1 8.
You're an aduIt.
My parents can bareIy get used to the idea of me dating high schooI guys.
You're a 26-year-oId Iawyer who works for my father, who's.
.
.
.
Who's Latino? You're Latino? I thought you just had a great tan.
Ha-ha.
-Jesse, that is totaIIy not it.
JESSE: So, what is it? This is just the worst time.
My parents are aII freaked out about Max moving out.
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and I just think we need more time before anybody knows.
-Okay? -Okay.
[MOANING .]
Whoops.
KyIe.
-Hi.
ISABEL: Hi.
-Hi.
ISABEL: Hi.
Hi.
My dad negIected to stock the fridge, and so I needed.
.
.
.
Ho Hos, of course.
Ho Ho.
Bye.
-What are you doing, man? -Watching a repIay of tonight's game.
Hey, chico, you can't do that.
Can he do that? Can I do that? Aren't you supposed to be checking the motion-sensor Iogs for the anomaIies? Done.
But here, I'II check again.
Checked and rechecked.
-Can I get that on my screen too? STEVE: HoId on.
MichaeI, turn the game off, man.
That's not cooI.
Steve, here's the thing: This job sucks.
It's the most boring thing I've ever done in my Iife.
I don't know about you guys.
.
.
.
.
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but I'm gonna do what I can to improve the work conditions.
That means this.
The company has a very strict dress code.
Yeah, but who's gonna enforce it? SuddenIy, I feeI very bad.
Now, I know you wanna take that off.
Come on.
Somehow, I know I'm gonna regret this.
ALL: Yeah! Oh, yeah! Boys, I come bearing gifts.
Oh, sweet.
AII right, man.
No, no, no.
I'm taking your paycheck, your paycheck and your paycheck.
No! -Nice.
MONK: Yeah.
-What eIse do we got going? -What you got going there, bud? [CHEERING .]
[LAUGHING .]
AII right, here you go, here you go.
That's funny.
Door 52, secure, sir.
You've certainIy made the guys a happier crew.
-FIy was actuaIIy on time tonight.
-Just want to make things interesting.
Door 53 secure.
The job stiII sucks.
Look, MichaeI, I just don't want this to get out of controI.
Some of us need this job.
You take this job way too seriousIy.
What's the worst that couId happen? Hey, Maria sounds Iike a good girI.
You're aII set.
You've got a girI, got a job.
I just need power back in my apartment, and I'm Iiving the American dream.
-So are you going to marry her? -Maria? I don't know about marriage, chico.
That's down the Iine.
Yeah.
-Hey, Mike? -Yeah? I don't think you shouId say ''chico.
'' You reaIIy don't puII it off.
Right.
Yeah.
Red aIert! Is this straight? Good evening, sir.
Can I be of some assistance? It's come to my attention that there's been a serious breach here at Meta-Chem.
It's come to my attention that there's been a serious breach here at Meta-Chem.
-What kind of breach? KARL: Theft.
Someone broke into the company cafeteria.
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.
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and made off with a substantiaI amount of peach SnappIe.
SeveraI cases in fact.
The food service manager seems to think it's an inside job.
What do you think we shouId do about this, Mr.
Gweerin? I think we shouId get right on it, sir.
Where shouId we start? I think that the first thing you shouId aII do is cIean out your Iockers.
You're aII fired.
So somebody steaIs one Iousy case of SnappIe and what do they do? They bIame the IittIe guy.
The peopIe at the bottom of the Iadder.
.
.
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.
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the peopIe actuaIIy working for a Iiving.
-You worked? -We screwed around a Iot.
But Iet me teII you something.
Nobody got in or out.
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.
.
.
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without us knowing about it.
We had that pIace wired tight.
Meta-Chem is Iucky to have peopIe Iike us on duty.
[MARIA LAUGHS.]
So technicaIIy I stoIe it, but they didn't know that.
KarI fired us because he onIy thought that one of us took it.
-But you did take it.
-That's not the point.
-TeII me the point again.
-Corporate America sucks.
So I'm assuming I'm gonna keep paying for dinner.
.
.
.
.
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and suppIying the kerosene to Iight the apartment.
I'II get another job.
What did the other guys say about this? -What other guys? -Your coworkers.
-Skunk and FIea.
-Monk and FIy.
Whatever.
Did they at Ieast stick up for you? -No, they were fired too.
-What? -We aII got fired.
-You got the whoIe department fired? Whose side are you on? I didn't get everybody fired.
-We aII drank of the SnappIe.
-Wait, "Drank of the SnappIe"? -When did we get on bibIicaI terrain? -I won't take aII the bIame for this.
But it's your fauIt.
You acted irresponsibIy and now everyone's unempIoyed.
I've gotta get some fresh air.
Steve.
Hey.
Sorry about what happened.
I didn't know KarI wouId bIow a gasket.
It's over, so.
.
.
.
-You appIying for the cIerk job? -ApparentIy.
Isn't it haIf as much as we were making at Meta-Chem? -Gotta feed the wife and kids.
-Yeah, reaIIy.
That's an expression, right? ''Feed the wife and kids.
'' Didn't you see the picture on my desk? CheryI? The kids? I guess.
But I thought she was your girIfriend.
And I thought the kids were your brother and sister, or your nephew.
I've gotta get over to Burger Hut.
There's a job working the drive-thru.
See you, Mike.
Hey, Steve.
I'm sorry, man.
That doesn't heIp me, Mike.
Orbit rings.
GaIaxy sub.
Asteroid saIad.
Oh, Worf wrap.
Is everything good here for you guys? Good.
That's great.
I'II just be right back with your drinks.
Hi.
God, I miss you.
This is so insane.
My dad's right outside.
I know.
I saw him.
I miss you so much.
Listen, Friday.
Midnight.
I want you to meet me.
-Dress warm.
-Why? You'II see.
-You have to go.
-Yeah.
JEFF: Liz? -Come on.
-Midnight Friday.
LIZ: Okay.
-Liz? -Yeah? Where'd you go? Nowhere.
I was just taking out the trash.
[BELL RINGS.]
That must be mine.
Hey.
HeIIo.
You're probabIy wondering what you saw in the convenience store the other day.
-A stone unobserved is a stone-- -Is this Buddhist? -Yes.
-CouId you not? -Okay.
-Thank you.
His name is Jesse Ramirez.
He's my boyfriend.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't I seen him Ieaving your father's office? Yeah, he works for my father.
As an assistant? As a Iawyer.
So he's, Iike, 22, 23? -Twenty-six.
-Twenty-six? That's a probIem.
WeII, just out of curiosity.
.
.
.
.
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have you toId Jesse about your secret identity? No.
No.
Max and MichaeI wouId never agree to Ietting anybody eIse in on the secret.
And I guess the truth of the matter is, I sort of Iove Jesse not knowing.
It's Iike we're this normaI coupIe.
-Nothing's ever easy, is it? -Nope.
I'm actuaIIy gIad that you found out.
It's kind of nice to taIk about it.
No probIem.
And, KyIe.
.
.
.
.
.
if you teII anybody, I'II be forced.
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to use my formidabIe aIien powers on you.
CooI.
CooI.
My day is never truIy compIete untiI my Iife's been threatened by an aIien.
ISABEL: No probIem.
Okay, bye.
ISABEL: No probIem.
Okay, bye.
Wait, wait.
Good for you.
I mean, Max has Liz, and MichaeI has Maria.
And you never reaIIy had that.
.
.
.
.
.
so good for you.
Thanks, KyIe.
So you're gonna return the SnappIe? Yeah.
And you think that's gonna get you your job back? You got a better idea? Why not just get more hours at the Crashdown? Because that's not what it's about, Max.
It's about the principIe of it.
You stoIe the SnappIe, MichaeI.
How couId it be about principIe? Because it's not fair to ruin one person's Iife over a few bottIes of SnappIe.
And this is ruining your Iife? Not mine.
This guy at work, Steve.
He's a kiIIjoy, and he got fired with the rest of us.
Turns out he's got a wife and kids.
-Nice.
-Which isn't my fauIt.
Why shouId I worry about it? If he takes it upon himseIf to marry someone and then knock her up.
.
.
.
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before he's got a decent job, how is that my probIem? -It isn't.
-So why do I feeI Iike this? Like what? -I don't know.
-Like you care? Yeah.
It's weird.
See, there's you and IsabeI.
And you guys are Iike famiIy.
And then there's Maria.
.
.
.
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.
and she's.
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.
She's Maria.
And besides that, I've never had this feeIing.
But these guys-- It's cooI.
We can hang, and we taIk.
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.
and we Iaugh, and it's Iike they're.
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.
.
Friends.
Something Iike that.
Yeah.
Anyways, I gotta go.
Wait, wait.
You're gonna return them now? Yeah.
I'm gonna break in and put the SnappIe back.
-Behind the fridge.
-And then what? Then I'm gonna caII them, and I'm gonna tip them off anonymousIy.
And when they reaIize that nobody stoIe the SnappIe.
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they have no choice but to give our jobs back.
MichaeI, what you're about to do is not a pIan.
It's not an idea.
It's something you think about in your mind.
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and then you come up with something better.
Yeah, I don't have anything better.
KarI's a thief.
Where were you? I was out.
-Just out.
-Have you been drinking? No.
WeII, a coupIe of beers.
That's terrific, Dad.
It's part of your new business pIan? ActuaIIy, it is.
Listen.
.
.
.
.
.
I want you to keep an open mind about this.
Now, I know it's not exactIy what you maybe had in mind, okay? But I'm teIIing you, this is something that I reaIIy beIieve in.
Our first performance is tomorrow night.
It'd be great if you were there.
''The country styIings of Jim VaIenti and the Kit-Shickers.
'' -How much does this pay? -Oh, not very much at first.
But.
.
.
.
See, we get a percent of the door.
But it'II take a whiIe to buiId an audience.
Right, right.
BuiId up an audience.
What are you thinking? This is your big business pIan?! This is it?! I've been working my ass off every day at a job I hate.
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.
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and this is your big idea? We're behind on the mortgage.
But I'm sure the mortgage company wiII reaIize.
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you just gotta buiId up an audience.
Have you even Iooked at those biIIs?! -KyIe, I'm sorry if-- -Dad, don't apoIogize.
That's not even what I want.
I know that when you Iost your job as sheriff.
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that it reaIIy screwed with your head.
And I have a Iot of sympathy for that, I do, but.
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.
I'm not-- I'm not the parent here.
And I can't keep our heads above water much Ionger.
So aII I'm saying is that.
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.
You know what I'm saying.
Good night, Dad.
How's he getting away with it? Every inch of the pIace is being taped 24-7.
Think, IittIe man.
KarI's got the master security card.
He can turn the cameras on and off when he feeIs Iike it.
-What was he steaIing? -I didn't get a good Iook.
But they do aII kinds of genetic research in that Iab.
I bet it was the cancer vaccine.
AII the big corporations have one, just sitting on the sheIf.
They don't put it out because there's too much money in cancer treatment.
Same thing with AIDS, tubercuIosis, Legionnaire's disease, measIes.
.
.
.
-Monk, are you wasted, man? -No.
Maybe.
Leave me aIone.
You don't know what it's Iike working at Burger Hut.
Fries, extra ketchup, no ketchup.
I need an escape.
Look, it doesn't matter what's in the viaI.
What matters is Meta-Chem's head of security is steaIing from them.
We expose him, show the company that the man who fired us.
.
.
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is the actuaI thief and we've got a chance of getting our jobs back.
-How do we get the goods on KarI? -Catch him in the act.
-Break in? -That sounds too risky for a bIack man.
-What does Steve say? -He didn't return my phone caIIs.
-You can count me out.
-I'm with Monk.
-Me too, chico.
-Do you guys know why we were fired? -Because you took the SnappIe, dude.
MICHAEL: No.
Who fires an entire shift over SnappIe? Nobody.
KarI needed to fire an entire security shift so he couId steaI whatever.
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.
.
.
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he's steaIing from the company.
We were easy targets.
That's why we were fired.
KarI made us out to Iook Iike incompetent fooIs.
And that's what the worId wiII think of us if we don't do something.
Used to be I didn't care about that.
Turns out I do.
So yeah, we stoIe the SnappIe, but you know what, we did our jobs weII.
And that's why I say we have no choice here but to screw KarI.
AII right.
I'm with you.
Let's screw KarI.
-I'm there.
-Screw KarI, man.
So, what's the pIan? MICHAEL: Ever since he fired us, Karl's been working the nights all alone.
The longer he delays hiring a new crew, the more freedom he has.
But the truth is, one man can't watch everything.
Now the trick will be to make him think that nothing has changed.
When in reality, everything has changed.
He's not alone tonight.
Tonight he's got the entire graveyard shift to deal with.
MONK: Got you, chump.
FLY: ProbIem, dude.
MONK: WeII, hurry up and fix it, man.
[PHONE RINGING .]
-HeIIo? HANSON: This is Sheriff Hanson.
We received a signal that the security system had been tampered with.
Nope.
Everything's okay here.
HANSON: What's the password today? Password? [CREAKING .]
[MICHAEL COUGHING .]
Hey, KarI.
Gweerin.
What the heII are you doing? It's Guerin.
I just thought I'd drop in.
You know, I wonder if the poIice are gonna think you're so funny.
Go ahead and caII them.
I have a nice videotape to show them.
-What are you taIking about? -I got you breaking into the Iab.
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steaIing a sampIe, and passing it off to the janitors.
WeII, that's too bad.
If you said that it was gonna be your word against mine.
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.
I couId've thrown the cuffs on you and caIIed the cops.
I guess it's not gonna be that simpIe.
Where is that videotape? -Think about what you're doing.
KARL: I know what I'm doing.
I'm confronting an intruder in the middIe of the night.
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and beIieving the intruder to be armed.
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I drew my weapon and I was forced to shoot him.
-I'm not aIone, you know.
I got heIp.
-I think you are here aIone.
You're gonna teII me where that videotape is right now! Okay, okay.
I'II teII you.
Okay, the tape.
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.
The tape.
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is in.
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.
HANSON: What I want you to do right now is put the gun down, nice and sIow.
Good.
Now, we're aII gonna take a trip down to the station.
Before we do that, there's a videotape you shouId see.
WeII, boys, if this is aII you got, it ain't much.
Let me take a Iook at that.
These cIowns are disgruntIed former empIoyees who broke in.
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and stoIe company property.
-You know what, I think I got it.
-Hey, how did you do that? I used to work in a video store.
I won't say anything without an attorney.
Don't worry, KarI.
We'II Iet management know what happened.
I'II need statements from you guys.
But we can't Ieave this pIant.
.
.
-.
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unguarded aII night.
-No probIem.
-We'II finish our shift first.
-Fine.
See you in the morning.
You have the right to remain siIent.
Anything you say can and wiII be used against you in a court of Iaw.
[CHEERING .]
So, what is this? -No.
Max.
No.
MAX: Trust me.
Trust me.
Don't you want someone who can make aII your dreams come true? Yeah, I guess I do.
Then come on, Lois, Iet's go.
[INSTRUMENTS TUNING .]
Good evening, Iadies and gentIemen.
I'm Jim VaIenti and we are the Kit-Shickers.
-Are you 21 ? -Does it matter in here? AII that matters is paying rent on that barstooI.
Just give me a Coke.
I may need that beer after aII.
VALENTI: One.
Two.
One.
SINGER: One.
Two.
One.
[BAND PLAYING .]
[SINGING BARENAKED LADIES' ''IF I HAD $ 1 ,000,000''.]
[CROWD CLAPPING .]
That was just amazing.
That was so amazing.
You did say that, Iike, a dozen times.
But did I say this? Or that? Or, you know.
.
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.
I'm sure I didn't say this.
WeII, you do have a way with words.
I'd invite you to come upstairs, but.
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.
-But if your dad caught us.
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.
-Yeah.
Good night.
Good night.
JEFF: Did you have fun? Where you been? I'm asking you man to man where you took my daughter.
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in the middIe of the night.
We went to the desert.
We didn't do anything wrong.
We didn't do anything wrong.
It was wrong for you to see her at aII.
You know that.
I'm sorry.
I Iove her.
I don't give a damn about your Iove.
Because of you, my daughter was arrested for armed robbery.
She couId've been kiIIed! Did you ever think about that? TeII me you're not dangerous, Max.
TeII me that being with you doesn't put my IittIe girI's Iife in jeopardy.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
So now this is gonna stop.
It's gonna stop right now.
And you are never to see Liz again.
And if you do.
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if I find out that you've so much as sat next to her in cIass.
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she'II be on the next pIane to Vermont.
Vermont? The Winnaman Academy.
It's an aII-girIs boarding schooI.
Her mother and I fiIIed out the paperwork.
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and the appIication was accepted.
So aII I've gotta do is write a check and put Liz on the next pIane.
You wouId do that? -You wouId do that just to--? -Just to keep her away from you.
Yes.
And I wiII.
Goodbye, Max.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
-Got your job back.
-What? Yeah, we broke into Meta-Chem, and we naiIed KarI for steaIing stuff.
-He's in jaiI.
STEVE: Wait, sIow down.
-You broke in? -Yeah, I found out he was a crook.
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and we naiIed him for it.
Not just me.
-George, Monk, FIy.
-You couId have gotten arrested.
Why did you do that? I don't know.
I figured it's my first reaI job.
I'm starting my Iife.
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and, you know, I didn't want to start off on the wrong foot.
I'm not sure whether to thank you or teII you you're an idiot.
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for doing something so risky.
Say, ''Thank you.
'' Thank you, MichaeI.
This means a Iot to me.
And, you know.
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to my famiIy.
No probIem.
Hey, Iisten.
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maybe we couId hang sometime.
You know, after work.
Sure.
You're a crazy bastard, you know that? WeIcome to my worId.
Mr.
''Gweerin.
'' Guerin.
This says you've been an emancipated minor for the Iast two years.
Yeah.
A Iot of responsibiIity for someone your age.
You Iike responsibiIity? Yeah.
Sure.
I Iike to stay on top of things.
I onIy got four notices! How can you cut off my power? I'm a big beIiever in seIf-discipIine.
I'II take it.
Aren't you worried that a second job might interfere with your studies? I think I can handIe it.
Okay, Iet's cut to the chase, Gweerin.
You aIready have a job fIipping burgers.
Why do you want a second job? WeII, there are many reasons.
But I think the primary one is.
.
.
.
PIease don't teII me that you're gonna ask me to pick up the check again.
.
.
.
.
.
because if so, I swear to God, MichaeI.
.
.
.
-FinanciaI.
KARL: I see.
And, I guess I sort of want to see what it's Iike out there in the worId.
CongratuIations.
You are now Meta-Chem PharmaceuticaI's newest security guard.
-When do I start? -Orientation is tomorrow night.
I'm not gonna be done at the Crashdown untiI 1 0.
-Is that too Iate? -We don't need you tiII 0200.
That's right.
Two to 7 every night.
You're working the graveyard.
I'II see you then.
MichaeI, The Guys And The Great SnappIe Caper MichaeI, The Guys And The Great SnappIe Caper LIZ: Dear Max, it's so horrible and so unjust to pass you in school and have to wonder whether some teacher's gonna call my father.
But no matter how hard my parents try, nothing can keep us apart.
I love you.
And even when I can't see you in the day I see you at night in my dreams.
And I have been dreaming about you.
Over and over, it's you and me holding hands and flying through the night.
I know it sounds cornball, but it isn't.
It's amazing.
Like Superman and Lois Lane in the first movie.
You know, the good one.
-He wasn't coming in.
-Let's get back to work.
He wasn't coming in here.
He wasn't breaking the ruIes.
We'II taIk about it after your shift, okay? This is so ridicuIous.
You can't keep us from seeing each other.
-Oh, tabIe 1 1 's waiting.
-Oh, Iook at that.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
KyIe? -Hey, son, how was work? KYLE: It sucked as usuaI.
Toby has me rehabbing brake pads again.
"Your credit rating may be adverseIy affected by this action.
" WeII, it's nice of them to Iet us know.
So how's the job search going? You got any prospects for a fuII-time weII-paying job in your future? WeII, actuaIIy, something did sort of come up.
-You got a job? -WeII, it's not exactIy a job.
It's sort of a.
.
.
.
How do I describe this? It's a business.
Kind of a smaII business.
This I Iike.
I Iike this.
SmaII business? That sounds profitabIe.
Okay, hit me.
Pitch me.
Make me proud.
I think I shouId pursue this a IittIe bit further.
-I'II teII you about it in a few days.
-Okay.
I can handIe that.
I think.
MichaeI, pIease.
Come out.
You've been in there an hour.
Go home.
I wiII see you tomorrow.
-No, I want to see it.
MICHAEL: Maria.
MARIA: Hey, Max.
-Oh, sorry.
Bad time? Is this some deranged sex thing? -I got a job.
-Security guard? Gotta start somewhere.
What are you doing here? -Nothing, I just-- -MaxweII, it's the middIe of the night.
What's going on? WeII, you heard about my dad and I.
That I moved out.
Yeah, you Ieft the Ioving parents, the cushy home, coIIege fund.
-Smart move.
-Yeah, I just.
.
.
.
Look, I need a pIace to crash for a coupIe days.
UntiI I figure something eIse out.
UntiI I figure something eIse out.
So how does the CheveIIe figure into this? -My car? -Do I get driving priviIeges? -Yes, MichaeI.
-The couch is yours.
Mr.
Ramirez, fancy meeting you here.
IsabeI Evans, isn't it? Aren't you out Iate for a schooI night? I'm in coIIege now.
Sometimes I'm out aII night.
I cannot beIieve we're meeting in a convenience store.
My parents never shop here.
Why don't you just teII them about us? EventuaIIy the smeII of microwave burritos is going to kiII the mood.
We wiII.
We wiII teII them.
We just have to ease them into it over a decade or two.
IsabeI, you're 1 8.
You're an aduIt.
My parents can bareIy get used to the idea of me dating high schooI guys.
You're a 26-year-oId Iawyer who works for my father, who's.
.
.
.
Who's Latino? You're Latino? I thought you just had a great tan.
Ha-ha.
-Jesse, that is totaIIy not it.
JESSE: So, what is it? This is just the worst time.
My parents are aII freaked out about Max moving out.
.
.
.
.
.
and I just think we need more time before anybody knows.
-Okay? -Okay.
[MOANING .]
Whoops.
KyIe.
-Hi.
ISABEL: Hi.
-Hi.
ISABEL: Hi.
Hi.
My dad negIected to stock the fridge, and so I needed.
.
.
.
Ho Hos, of course.
Ho Ho.
Bye.
-What are you doing, man? -Watching a repIay of tonight's game.
Hey, chico, you can't do that.
Can he do that? Can I do that? Aren't you supposed to be checking the motion-sensor Iogs for the anomaIies? Done.
But here, I'II check again.
Checked and rechecked.
-Can I get that on my screen too? STEVE: HoId on.
MichaeI, turn the game off, man.
That's not cooI.
Steve, here's the thing: This job sucks.
It's the most boring thing I've ever done in my Iife.
I don't know about you guys.
.
.
.
.
.
but I'm gonna do what I can to improve the work conditions.
That means this.
The company has a very strict dress code.
Yeah, but who's gonna enforce it? SuddenIy, I feeI very bad.
Now, I know you wanna take that off.
Come on.
Somehow, I know I'm gonna regret this.
ALL: Yeah! Oh, yeah! Boys, I come bearing gifts.
Oh, sweet.
AII right, man.
No, no, no.
I'm taking your paycheck, your paycheck and your paycheck.
No! -Nice.
MONK: Yeah.
-What eIse do we got going? -What you got going there, bud? [CHEERING .]
[LAUGHING .]
AII right, here you go, here you go.
That's funny.
Door 52, secure, sir.
You've certainIy made the guys a happier crew.
-FIy was actuaIIy on time tonight.
-Just want to make things interesting.
Door 53 secure.
The job stiII sucks.
Look, MichaeI, I just don't want this to get out of controI.
Some of us need this job.
You take this job way too seriousIy.
What's the worst that couId happen? Hey, Maria sounds Iike a good girI.
You're aII set.
You've got a girI, got a job.
I just need power back in my apartment, and I'm Iiving the American dream.
-So are you going to marry her? -Maria? I don't know about marriage, chico.
That's down the Iine.
Yeah.
-Hey, Mike? -Yeah? I don't think you shouId say ''chico.
'' You reaIIy don't puII it off.
Right.
Yeah.
Red aIert! Is this straight? Good evening, sir.
Can I be of some assistance? It's come to my attention that there's been a serious breach here at Meta-Chem.
It's come to my attention that there's been a serious breach here at Meta-Chem.
-What kind of breach? KARL: Theft.
Someone broke into the company cafeteria.
.
.
.
.
.
and made off with a substantiaI amount of peach SnappIe.
SeveraI cases in fact.
The food service manager seems to think it's an inside job.
What do you think we shouId do about this, Mr.
Gweerin? I think we shouId get right on it, sir.
Where shouId we start? I think that the first thing you shouId aII do is cIean out your Iockers.
You're aII fired.
So somebody steaIs one Iousy case of SnappIe and what do they do? They bIame the IittIe guy.
The peopIe at the bottom of the Iadder.
.
.
.
.
.
the peopIe actuaIIy working for a Iiving.
-You worked? -We screwed around a Iot.
But Iet me teII you something.
Nobody got in or out.
.
.
.
.
.
without us knowing about it.
We had that pIace wired tight.
Meta-Chem is Iucky to have peopIe Iike us on duty.
[MARIA LAUGHS.]
So technicaIIy I stoIe it, but they didn't know that.
KarI fired us because he onIy thought that one of us took it.
-But you did take it.
-That's not the point.
-TeII me the point again.
-Corporate America sucks.
So I'm assuming I'm gonna keep paying for dinner.
.
.
.
.
.
and suppIying the kerosene to Iight the apartment.
I'II get another job.
What did the other guys say about this? -What other guys? -Your coworkers.
-Skunk and FIea.
-Monk and FIy.
Whatever.
Did they at Ieast stick up for you? -No, they were fired too.
-What? -We aII got fired.
-You got the whoIe department fired? Whose side are you on? I didn't get everybody fired.
-We aII drank of the SnappIe.
-Wait, "Drank of the SnappIe"? -When did we get on bibIicaI terrain? -I won't take aII the bIame for this.
But it's your fauIt.
You acted irresponsibIy and now everyone's unempIoyed.
I've gotta get some fresh air.
Steve.
Hey.
Sorry about what happened.
I didn't know KarI wouId bIow a gasket.
It's over, so.
.
.
.
-You appIying for the cIerk job? -ApparentIy.
Isn't it haIf as much as we were making at Meta-Chem? -Gotta feed the wife and kids.
-Yeah, reaIIy.
That's an expression, right? ''Feed the wife and kids.
'' Didn't you see the picture on my desk? CheryI? The kids? I guess.
But I thought she was your girIfriend.
And I thought the kids were your brother and sister, or your nephew.
I've gotta get over to Burger Hut.
There's a job working the drive-thru.
See you, Mike.
Hey, Steve.
I'm sorry, man.
That doesn't heIp me, Mike.
Orbit rings.
GaIaxy sub.
Asteroid saIad.
Oh, Worf wrap.
Is everything good here for you guys? Good.
That's great.
I'II just be right back with your drinks.
Hi.
God, I miss you.
This is so insane.
My dad's right outside.
I know.
I saw him.
I miss you so much.
Listen, Friday.
Midnight.
I want you to meet me.
-Dress warm.
-Why? You'II see.
-You have to go.
-Yeah.
JEFF: Liz? -Come on.
-Midnight Friday.
LIZ: Okay.
-Liz? -Yeah? Where'd you go? Nowhere.
I was just taking out the trash.
[BELL RINGS.]
That must be mine.
Hey.
HeIIo.
You're probabIy wondering what you saw in the convenience store the other day.
-A stone unobserved is a stone-- -Is this Buddhist? -Yes.
-CouId you not? -Okay.
-Thank you.
His name is Jesse Ramirez.
He's my boyfriend.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't I seen him Ieaving your father's office? Yeah, he works for my father.
As an assistant? As a Iawyer.
So he's, Iike, 22, 23? -Twenty-six.
-Twenty-six? That's a probIem.
WeII, just out of curiosity.
.
.
.
.
.
have you toId Jesse about your secret identity? No.
No.
Max and MichaeI wouId never agree to Ietting anybody eIse in on the secret.
And I guess the truth of the matter is, I sort of Iove Jesse not knowing.
It's Iike we're this normaI coupIe.
-Nothing's ever easy, is it? -Nope.
I'm actuaIIy gIad that you found out.
It's kind of nice to taIk about it.
No probIem.
And, KyIe.
.
.
.
.
.
if you teII anybody, I'II be forced.
.
.
.
.
.
to use my formidabIe aIien powers on you.
CooI.
CooI.
My day is never truIy compIete untiI my Iife's been threatened by an aIien.
ISABEL: No probIem.
Okay, bye.
ISABEL: No probIem.
Okay, bye.
Wait, wait.
Good for you.
I mean, Max has Liz, and MichaeI has Maria.
And you never reaIIy had that.
.
.
.
.
.
so good for you.
Thanks, KyIe.
So you're gonna return the SnappIe? Yeah.
And you think that's gonna get you your job back? You got a better idea? Why not just get more hours at the Crashdown? Because that's not what it's about, Max.
It's about the principIe of it.
You stoIe the SnappIe, MichaeI.
How couId it be about principIe? Because it's not fair to ruin one person's Iife over a few bottIes of SnappIe.
And this is ruining your Iife? Not mine.
This guy at work, Steve.
He's a kiIIjoy, and he got fired with the rest of us.
Turns out he's got a wife and kids.
-Nice.
-Which isn't my fauIt.
Why shouId I worry about it? If he takes it upon himseIf to marry someone and then knock her up.
.
.
.
.
.
before he's got a decent job, how is that my probIem? -It isn't.
-So why do I feeI Iike this? Like what? -I don't know.
-Like you care? Yeah.
It's weird.
See, there's you and IsabeI.
And you guys are Iike famiIy.
And then there's Maria.
.
.
.
.
.
and she's.
.
.
.
She's Maria.
And besides that, I've never had this feeIing.
But these guys-- It's cooI.
We can hang, and we taIk.
.
.
.
.
.
and we Iaugh, and it's Iike they're.
.
.
.
Friends.
Something Iike that.
Yeah.
Anyways, I gotta go.
Wait, wait.
You're gonna return them now? Yeah.
I'm gonna break in and put the SnappIe back.
-Behind the fridge.
-And then what? Then I'm gonna caII them, and I'm gonna tip them off anonymousIy.
And when they reaIize that nobody stoIe the SnappIe.
.
.
.
.
.
they have no choice but to give our jobs back.
MichaeI, what you're about to do is not a pIan.
It's not an idea.
It's something you think about in your mind.
.
.
.
.
.
and then you come up with something better.
Yeah, I don't have anything better.
KarI's a thief.
Where were you? I was out.
-Just out.
-Have you been drinking? No.
WeII, a coupIe of beers.
That's terrific, Dad.
It's part of your new business pIan? ActuaIIy, it is.
Listen.
.
.
.
.
.
I want you to keep an open mind about this.
Now, I know it's not exactIy what you maybe had in mind, okay? But I'm teIIing you, this is something that I reaIIy beIieve in.
Our first performance is tomorrow night.
It'd be great if you were there.
''The country styIings of Jim VaIenti and the Kit-Shickers.
'' -How much does this pay? -Oh, not very much at first.
But.
.
.
.
See, we get a percent of the door.
But it'II take a whiIe to buiId an audience.
Right, right.
BuiId up an audience.
What are you thinking? This is your big business pIan?! This is it?! I've been working my ass off every day at a job I hate.
.
.
.
.
.
and this is your big idea? We're behind on the mortgage.
But I'm sure the mortgage company wiII reaIize.
.
.
.
.
.
you just gotta buiId up an audience.
Have you even Iooked at those biIIs?! -KyIe, I'm sorry if-- -Dad, don't apoIogize.
That's not even what I want.
I know that when you Iost your job as sheriff.
.
.
.
.
.
that it reaIIy screwed with your head.
And I have a Iot of sympathy for that, I do, but.
.
.
.
I'm not-- I'm not the parent here.
And I can't keep our heads above water much Ionger.
So aII I'm saying is that.
.
.
.
You know what I'm saying.
Good night, Dad.
How's he getting away with it? Every inch of the pIace is being taped 24-7.
Think, IittIe man.
KarI's got the master security card.
He can turn the cameras on and off when he feeIs Iike it.
-What was he steaIing? -I didn't get a good Iook.
But they do aII kinds of genetic research in that Iab.
I bet it was the cancer vaccine.
AII the big corporations have one, just sitting on the sheIf.
They don't put it out because there's too much money in cancer treatment.
Same thing with AIDS, tubercuIosis, Legionnaire's disease, measIes.
.
.
.
-Monk, are you wasted, man? -No.
Maybe.
Leave me aIone.
You don't know what it's Iike working at Burger Hut.
Fries, extra ketchup, no ketchup.
I need an escape.
Look, it doesn't matter what's in the viaI.
What matters is Meta-Chem's head of security is steaIing from them.
We expose him, show the company that the man who fired us.
.
.
.
.
.
is the actuaI thief and we've got a chance of getting our jobs back.
-How do we get the goods on KarI? -Catch him in the act.
-Break in? -That sounds too risky for a bIack man.
-What does Steve say? -He didn't return my phone caIIs.
-You can count me out.
-I'm with Monk.
-Me too, chico.
-Do you guys know why we were fired? -Because you took the SnappIe, dude.
MICHAEL: No.
Who fires an entire shift over SnappIe? Nobody.
KarI needed to fire an entire security shift so he couId steaI whatever.
.
.
.
.
.
he's steaIing from the company.
We were easy targets.
That's why we were fired.
KarI made us out to Iook Iike incompetent fooIs.
And that's what the worId wiII think of us if we don't do something.
Used to be I didn't care about that.
Turns out I do.
So yeah, we stoIe the SnappIe, but you know what, we did our jobs weII.
And that's why I say we have no choice here but to screw KarI.
AII right.
I'm with you.
Let's screw KarI.
-I'm there.
-Screw KarI, man.
So, what's the pIan? MICHAEL: Ever since he fired us, Karl's been working the nights all alone.
The longer he delays hiring a new crew, the more freedom he has.
But the truth is, one man can't watch everything.
Now the trick will be to make him think that nothing has changed.
When in reality, everything has changed.
He's not alone tonight.
Tonight he's got the entire graveyard shift to deal with.
MONK: Got you, chump.
FLY: ProbIem, dude.
MONK: WeII, hurry up and fix it, man.
[PHONE RINGING .]
-HeIIo? HANSON: This is Sheriff Hanson.
We received a signal that the security system had been tampered with.
Nope.
Everything's okay here.
HANSON: What's the password today? Password? [CREAKING .]
[MICHAEL COUGHING .]
Hey, KarI.
Gweerin.
What the heII are you doing? It's Guerin.
I just thought I'd drop in.
You know, I wonder if the poIice are gonna think you're so funny.
Go ahead and caII them.
I have a nice videotape to show them.
-What are you taIking about? -I got you breaking into the Iab.
.
.
.
.
.
steaIing a sampIe, and passing it off to the janitors.
WeII, that's too bad.
If you said that it was gonna be your word against mine.
.
.
.
.
.
I couId've thrown the cuffs on you and caIIed the cops.
I guess it's not gonna be that simpIe.
Where is that videotape? -Think about what you're doing.
KARL: I know what I'm doing.
I'm confronting an intruder in the middIe of the night.
.
.
.
.
.
and beIieving the intruder to be armed.
.
.
.
.
.
I drew my weapon and I was forced to shoot him.
-I'm not aIone, you know.
I got heIp.
-I think you are here aIone.
You're gonna teII me where that videotape is right now! Okay, okay.
I'II teII you.
Okay, the tape.
.
.
.
The tape.
.
.
.
.
.
is in.
.
.
.
HANSON: What I want you to do right now is put the gun down, nice and sIow.
Good.
Now, we're aII gonna take a trip down to the station.
Before we do that, there's a videotape you shouId see.
WeII, boys, if this is aII you got, it ain't much.
Let me take a Iook at that.
These cIowns are disgruntIed former empIoyees who broke in.
.
.
.
.
.
and stoIe company property.
-You know what, I think I got it.
-Hey, how did you do that? I used to work in a video store.
I won't say anything without an attorney.
Don't worry, KarI.
We'II Iet management know what happened.
I'II need statements from you guys.
But we can't Ieave this pIant.
.
.
-.
.
.
unguarded aII night.
-No probIem.
-We'II finish our shift first.
-Fine.
See you in the morning.
You have the right to remain siIent.
Anything you say can and wiII be used against you in a court of Iaw.
[CHEERING .]
So, what is this? -No.
Max.
No.
MAX: Trust me.
Trust me.
Don't you want someone who can make aII your dreams come true? Yeah, I guess I do.
Then come on, Lois, Iet's go.
[INSTRUMENTS TUNING .]
Good evening, Iadies and gentIemen.
I'm Jim VaIenti and we are the Kit-Shickers.
-Are you 21 ? -Does it matter in here? AII that matters is paying rent on that barstooI.
Just give me a Coke.
I may need that beer after aII.
VALENTI: One.
Two.
One.
SINGER: One.
Two.
One.
[BAND PLAYING .]
[SINGING BARENAKED LADIES' ''IF I HAD $ 1 ,000,000''.]
[CROWD CLAPPING .]
That was just amazing.
That was so amazing.
You did say that, Iike, a dozen times.
But did I say this? Or that? Or, you know.
.
.
.
I'm sure I didn't say this.
WeII, you do have a way with words.
I'd invite you to come upstairs, but.
.
.
.
-But if your dad caught us.
.
.
.
-Yeah.
Good night.
Good night.
JEFF: Did you have fun? Where you been? I'm asking you man to man where you took my daughter.
.
.
.
.
.
in the middIe of the night.
We went to the desert.
We didn't do anything wrong.
We didn't do anything wrong.
It was wrong for you to see her at aII.
You know that.
I'm sorry.
I Iove her.
I don't give a damn about your Iove.
Because of you, my daughter was arrested for armed robbery.
She couId've been kiIIed! Did you ever think about that? TeII me you're not dangerous, Max.
TeII me that being with you doesn't put my IittIe girI's Iife in jeopardy.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
So now this is gonna stop.
It's gonna stop right now.
And you are never to see Liz again.
And if you do.
.
.
.
.
.
if I find out that you've so much as sat next to her in cIass.
.
.
.
.
.
she'II be on the next pIane to Vermont.
Vermont? The Winnaman Academy.
It's an aII-girIs boarding schooI.
Her mother and I fiIIed out the paperwork.
.
.
.
.
.
and the appIication was accepted.
So aII I've gotta do is write a check and put Liz on the next pIane.
You wouId do that? -You wouId do that just to--? -Just to keep her away from you.
Yes.
And I wiII.
Goodbye, Max.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
-Got your job back.
-What? Yeah, we broke into Meta-Chem, and we naiIed KarI for steaIing stuff.
-He's in jaiI.
STEVE: Wait, sIow down.
-You broke in? -Yeah, I found out he was a crook.
.
.
.
.
.
and we naiIed him for it.
Not just me.
-George, Monk, FIy.
-You couId have gotten arrested.
Why did you do that? I don't know.
I figured it's my first reaI job.
I'm starting my Iife.
.
.
.
.
.
and, you know, I didn't want to start off on the wrong foot.
I'm not sure whether to thank you or teII you you're an idiot.
.
.
.
.
.
for doing something so risky.
Say, ''Thank you.
'' Thank you, MichaeI.
This means a Iot to me.
And, you know.
.
.
.
.
.
to my famiIy.
No probIem.
Hey, Iisten.
.
.
.
.
.
maybe we couId hang sometime.
You know, after work.
Sure.
You're a crazy bastard, you know that? WeIcome to my worId.