Sabrina The Teenage Witch s03e02 Episode Script

- I'm so happy I could plotz.
- Not on the kitchen table.
You can say goodbye to this furry little punim.
What's with all the Yiddish? Are you going into show business? I'm online with a camel in Jerusalem who used to be an Amway salesman.
Why'd the Witches' Council turn him into a camel? He used to be an Amway salesman.
Anyway, he was wandering through the desert and found a scroll that says witches like me can be turned back into their former selves if they're kissed by someone who loves them.
Why can't you just play Solitaire like regular cats? One little kiss and I can once again be a man.
I'll no longer be a shlemiel.
Salem, don't trust chat rooms.
Besides, you little yutz, who are you gonna get to kiss you? - Pucker up.
- If I help turn you into a man, the Witches' Council will turn me into a cat.
What a sad, pathetic existence that would be.
Moving on.
I love you, Zelda.
I love you too, but I'm not in love with you.
Oh, Sabrina Not until you find a new way of grooming yourself.
Mean.
There must be somebody out there who's not so stingy with kisses.
Oh, Lord, he's got toilet-water breath.
I feel udderly ridiculous.
Look at all the great stuff I found for Physics.
Our jet propulsion project's really gonna take off.
Not even a mercy laugh.
I just want you to know I'm not one of those creepy girls who drops all her friends just because she's dating a guy.
- You and Justin are dating? - No.
- He asked you out, right? - No.
- But you met him, right? - I don't know.
I've imagined so many conversations with him, I can't separate fiction from reality.
Hey, guys, the soda machine's broken.
You can get all the free drinks you want.
STUDENT: Hey, give me soda.
GORDIE: Hey, I'm open.
Oof.
- Isn't that kind of like stealing? - Oh, great.
Now my soda's tainted.
I never associated root beer with a moral dilemma before.
There he is.
Do you think he'll ever ask me out? Why don't you ask him out? - That's just a nice way of saying no.
- You can ask him out.
We're modern women.
We know about jet propulsion.
- We do? - We will.
I can't.
I'll get too nervous.
When I get nervous, my mouth dries out and I can't speak.
Take your soda, and every time your mouth gets dry, just take a sip.
All right, I'll do it.
Hi.
Hi.
So, Justin So, Valerie You wanna go out Saturday night? [BELCHING.]
[LAUGHING.]
Well, at least she broke the ice.
And the sound barrier.
[CHUCKLING.]
Valerie? Valerie.
Help me to the emergency exit.
Come on.
You gotta give Justin your answer.
- Don't blow it.
- I already blew it.
Right in his face.
He's a guy.
They study burping as a second language.
Besides, nobody else heard.
You heard, and you were across the room.
I was being a good friend and eavesdropping.
Trust me.
No one heard.
Now, come on.
Don't make me start the speech from Ice Castles.
[CHATTERING AND LAUGHING.]
Everyone, a big welcome for Valerie Burphead.
[CHUCKLING.]
They're just jealous.
You're so mean.
HILDA: Come on.
Let's go see Titanic.
We could change the ending.
Oh, Hilda, no one's gonna pay $7 to watch you kiss Leonardo DiCaprio.
Besides, I have a date Friday night, and I'm cleaning my ears.
Last chance to throw yours in.
I just cleaned my ears.
They're fine.
Well, at least no locusts this year.
SALEM: Help! I need help! [IMITATING SIREN.]
Salem, caught with your head in the cookie jar? Hurry.
Please, hurry.
I've been in here for over an hour.
Why didn't you call us sooner? It wasn't a problem until I ran out of peanut brittle.
Salem, is this a desperate cry for help? No, this is.
Help! I'm running out of air! Zap it off and give me mouth-to-mouth.
Salem, you just want a kiss.
My lips are sweet with brittle.
I guess we should remove it.
Do you want to drive him to the vet, or should I? Not the vet.
Cold hands, cold table.
And the probing.
Oh, the probing.
Perfect way to teach you a lesson.
I should have suffocated when I had the chance.
I bet they didn't even disinfect the table.
I'm gonna get a disease.
Salem, this is a mortal vet, be quiet.
And start acting like a cat.
You want a cat? I can do cat.
[MEOWING.]
Hello.
I'm Dr.
Werner.
SALEM: Ungawa.
And this must be Salem Saberhagen.
- You have different last names.
- When we adopted him he didn't want to change his name.
And to hyphen it just seemed ridiculous.
Don't worry.
I'm a crazy cat-lady too.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, I think kitty was playing Pooh Bear.
SALEM: I love it when they talk baby talk.
Ow-- Uh, meow.
I'll be right back with some lubricant.
I love her.
Hello? She's a woman, and she's not in love with you.
Please.
All vets love animals.
And once I get her to kiss me, I'll be a man.
Quick, British Sterling behind both ears.
All right, this shouldn't hurt a bit.
There you go.
Oh, there.
Boy, he sure is a nuzzler.
[PURRING.]
SALEM: Kiss me, pretty lady.
Turn my world around.
Hey, the soda machine's fixed.
I put in a couple extra quarters to clear my root beer-soaked conscience.
Well, that should cover the 15 sodas you had.
- Have you seen Valerie? - No.
I haven't seen or heard Burpzilla since the incident.
Someday your body will betray you, Libby, and we'll be waiting.
I'm worried about Valerie.
You think she went home? Well, she did seem to have some gastric problems.
She really should be here so that we could taunt her to her face.
Libby, why do you get so much pleasure out of other people's pain? I'm just a positive, upbeat person.
How could Dr.
Werner cone me? Salem, it'll keep you from licking your wound.
You're the one who cut your head on peanut brittle.
I'll never get kissed like this.
I look like a Victrola.
Good idea.
Then we won't have to listen to you complain.
[WALTZ MUSIC AND STATIC PLAYING.]
You know, there's this newfangled invention called the hi-fi.
So how was your day? I'm a little worried about poor Valerie.
I mean, she burped at lunch and I haven't seen her since.
Then I guess you wanna hear about the time I burped in high school.
Not really.
I gotta go call Valerie.
You know what I haven't heard in ages? [SALEM GRUNTS AND JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING.]
Hi, is Valerie there? VALERIE: I'm over here.
It was a rhetorical question.
Bye.
Valerie? How'd you get in my house? It was weird.
Someone slipped a key under the door, but no one was home but your cat.
Oh, yeah, my cat let you in.
Anyway, you're here because? Because I can't go back to school.
I'm so embarrassed.
I keep replaying the whole ugly thing over and over in my mind.
There are so many unanswered questions.
Why a burp? Why with Justin? Why at school? Why my closet? Because I feel safe here, Sabrina.
Look, every morning I'll pretend to go to school, hide here all day and relive the incident as I rock back and forth in the dark.
That sounds like a fun solution to your problem.
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING.]
Stop the music.
Thank you, Sabrina.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to remove a crank from my butt.
I need an anti-embarrassment spell to help Valerie.
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
There is no such spell.
The only way to get rid of embarrassment is to just ride it out.
Or put poison in the town's reservoir.
Just a suggestion.
I'm sorry, Sabrina.
It's one of life's lessons, and even witches can't tamper with life's lessons.
I want a world where you can escape your problems and not learn anything.
Like we don't? SALEM: Whatever's on the clothesline is scaring me.
Oh, no.
Your ears.
Hilda, I should never have asked you to dry my ears.
You don't hang ears.
You reshape them and dry them flat.
Sorry.
I was never good at laundry.
Come on.
You're young.
They'll shrink back.
In a day or so.
I hope so, because I have a date Friday night, and I can't wear these.
You know, I feel another song coming on.
[SINGING.]
Do your ears hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them--? Oh, wait, this is my fault.
You're a good friend.
Thanks for standing by me.
Of course I'd stand by you.
I've never seen so much laughing, mocking, name-calling.
I think you've had enough.
Look, you can hang out here as long as you want, but I'm gonna get back to work on our jet-propulsion project.
Oh, I completely forgot our project's due tomorrow.
That's okay.
I don't need any sleep.
Look, I can't dump that whole thing on you.
What? We're gonna do a satellite feed from my room? No.
I'll just have to face that one class for you.
You'd do that for me? Well, you're sharing your room with me.
Oh, hey, by the way, can I borrow this weird, jewelled book? No! Mine.
Oh, that's right.
You're an only child.
Yes, Dr.
Werner.
May I call you Jean? Okay, so Dr.
Werner, I know you don't normally make house calls, but it would really help Salem's recovery if you could come by and smother him with kisses.
Salem, get off the phone.
Valerie's such a great friend.
She's gonna face school just for me.
You got me off the phone with the future Mrs.
Saberhagen for that? Do you think there's any way I could help her get rid of her embarrassment? Well, there is a spell.
Not according to my aunts.
For one teensy kiss, I'll let you in on the little-known fact that embarrassment is cross-referenced in the magic book under Gerald Ford.
Thanks, Salem.
Wait, I didn't do that right.
"To remove embarrassment, one must laugh at one's self.
Add a pinch of ha-ha root.
" We have it, and yet we're always out of vanilla.
[SPELL LAUGHING.]
A banana peel? "The embarrassee must slip on this peel in public to remove embarrassment.
" "If dissatisfied, exchange for a seltzer bottle"? I feel like everyone's staring at me.
They're not staring at you, they're staring with you.
Hi, Valerie.
Love your belch.
I mean belt.
Just ignore her.
I have a feeling sometime real soon we're gonna laugh about this.
Not in this life.
[SCREAMS.]
Come on, laugh at yourself.
[CHUCKLING.]
Here, let me give you a hand.
Thanks.
Yeah, I'm starting to look at clown colleges, heh-heh.
- You know, Valerie, about Saturday-- - Yes.
When I burp, it means "yes.
" When I spit milk out my nose it means "no.
" - Great.
So I'll pick you up at 8? - Mm-hm.
Ugh, great.
I had banana goo on my butt when I was talking to Justin, didn't I? Yeah.
Oh, who cares? We better get to Physics.
And they say you can't get rid of embarrassment.
It's a classic.
So by definition, it's the momentum derived from ejection of exhaust stream.
- Sabrina? - Thank you, Valerie.
"Another form of jet propulsion is the rapid flow of gas from within a propelled body.
" [SABRINA FARTING.]
[GIGGLING.]
Oh, the humanity.
Most people just use visual aids.
I Uh, "so the different examples of propulsion are the rocket, the fanjet--" Yeah, we could use a fan right about now.
[STUDENTS LAUGHING.]
[STUDENTS LAUGHING.]
[SEAM RIPPING.]
[STUDENTS CONTINUE LAUGHING.]
GORDIE: Go, go, go! Hold me.
Boy, is your face red.
Oh, no.
You cast an anti-embarrassment spell on Valerie.
Yeah.
The one you said didn't exist.
Honey, did it ever occur to you just to listen to us? The cat said You can't get rid of embarrassment.
You can only displace it.
It's left Valerie and been transferred to you since you cast the spell.
Oops.
I blame it on the cone.
Oh, honey, you got a little spinach in your teeth.
That's the least of it.
You don't know the embarrassment I've seen.
Oh, Sabrina, everyone has embarrassing moments.
It's happened throughout history.
Even the most famous people have lived through humiliation, but that's not what they're remembered for.
Let's roll tape.
NARRATOR [ON TV.]
: Historical Moments Not in History.
Queen Victoria greets her loyal subjects.
[CROWD GASPING.]
On this fateful day, not even Camelot was Camelot.
[SEAM RIPPING.]
Guinevere, avert your eyes.
NARRATOR: We declared our independence, but not without a fight.
MAN: Hancock.
- You had to show off with the K.
Better order dinner.
Now we've got some real writing to do.
NARRATOR: The master da Vinci suffers for his art.
[BELCHES.]
And that's Historical Moments Not in History.
See? And they were all remembered for their greatness.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
But none of them were in high school.
- Sabrina, I have to talk to you.
- I know why you're here.
To try to talk me into going back to school.
No! Don't go back.
You can't go back.
The laughter is deafening.
Look, even if you change your identity and became a brunette, they'd find you.
Look, I shouldn't even be here.
Trust no one.
There's nowhere to go.
There's nowhere to hide.
There's gotta be somewhere to hide.
Let's see, I've got a bedroom, a bathroom, a vortex Wait a minute.
[THUNDER CRASHING.]
[CHATTERING.]
Wow, this is great.
I should have gotten embarrassed last summer.
Can I get you something? Yeah, I'd like one of those pretty drinks with the umbrellas in it, and throw in a cherry, my good man.
The best fruit smoothie in the Other Realm coming right up.
SABRINA: "Dear Valerie.
Hello from the islands.
Wish you were here.
I've told you too much already.
" So where are you from? You look like a girl with a story.
No story.
I'm not escaping from anything.
You been here before? You look familiar.
Impossible.
Hey, you're Sabrina.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- No, no, no.
You're Sabrina.
Hey, hey.
Hey, look, everyone, it's Sabrina.
Ha, ha! [LAUGHING.]
And it happened in front of the whole class.
[LAUGHING CONTINUES.]
It's a perfectly normal bodily function.
[THUNDER CRASHING.]
So, been to the Other Realm islands? How'd you know? Hilda and I spent puberty there.
I was a redhead.
But how did they know? Witches are always scouring the globe looking for a good laugh.
Although we just don't get British humour.
I guess I'm just gonna have to face my fate: Home schooling.
Oh, honey, running away never solves anything.
You will get through this.
Yeah.
You just have to look at the big picture.
ZELDA: At any given moment, high school students all across the country are doing something embarrassing.
Yeah, but did all those people? [INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
I can't even say it.
Cheese? [SALEM LAUGHING.]
SALEM: You what? [GUFFAWING.]
Whoa, that is the queen mother of embarrassment.
Well, I can teach her music, and, Zelly, you can teach-- Come on, it doesn't matter what happened.
Life goes on, and eventually everything becomes yesterday's news.
In the meantime, try not to worry too much about what other people think.
But if I don't worry about what other people think, what will they say? Trust me, it's gonna be okay.
Oh, I forgot to call and postpone my date with Frank.
Why? You're not embarrassed about your ears, are you? Well, of course not.
I-- I just felt I should be here with you.
Well, I'm fine, and I have Aunt Hilda.
Well, then, okay.
I guess I'll keep my date.
I wouldn't wear earrings.
SALEM: Somebody? I'm stuck cone down.
Take me to Dr.
Werner's.
Stat.
I'll take you.
I'm the only member of this family who can still go out in public.
I do not like this laceration at the base of his tail.
Unfortunately, I think we need to shave him.
Well, we want what's best for Salem, even if it does mean a bare bottom.
SALEM: But the beautiful doctor will see my popo.
Yes, I've been working for weeks on molecular cohesion, but it's just not coming together.
[CHUCKLING.]
Zelda, you're so witty, so intelligent, - and so lovely.
- Oh.
I just wanna whisper sweet nothings in your ear.
[SCREAMING.]
So, tell me about your work.
Well, I guess I'm ready to face school.
On second thought Ah, this is a snugly place to wait out adolescence.
Come on, Sabrina, get up.
You're gonna be late, and I want the warm bed.
SABRINA: I'm not going.
I can't possibly be yesterday's news yet.
Come on, you're a witch.
Use your magic to make other people do embarrassing things.
You can be yesterday's news today.
Something's wrong.
This is kind of making sense to me.
You bet it makes sense.
Now how about a thank-you kiss? They keep saying how everyone has embarrassing moments.
I would just be helping things along, right? Don't rationalise, mobilise.
You've got to save yourself.
You're right.
It's a jungle out there.
Survival of the fittest.
I'm not going down without a fight.
Okay, you're pumped.
Now go to school.
- Thanks, Salem.
- Hey, I owed you one.
I really appreciate you covering my shaved behind with these nice pants.
I only did it because the sight of your chicken skin was making me sick.
Glad I didn't bother to write a thank-you note.
GIRL: Look at her.
[LAUGHING.]
Well, time to become yesterday's news.
Sabrina, you're here.
HARVEY: Ooh, I hate to say this, but the red face isn't much of a disguise.
Yeah, yeah, I'll work on it.
SABRINA: Okay, where's my first victim? Aha! Get ready to become a human dribble-glass.
Nah.
Ooh.
One uncontrollable runny nose coming right up.
Do it.
Kiss, kiss.
Nah.
Let's see you try flirting with bad breath.
I can't.
I'll just ride it out like everyone else.
Hey, Sabrina.
Sorry you got humiliated the other day, but at least I finally got a day off.
I'm glad I could help.
You know, I always used to think you were so perfect, almost like you weren't human, but turns out you're just one of us.
Yeah, I guess I am.
Huh, well, I guess this doesn't have any magic anymore.
LIBBY: This is for the football team.
Out of my way.
[SQUEALS.]
Laugh.
Split a gut.
Well, everyone's back to normal.
My face, Salem's behind, Aunt Zelda's ears, Aunt Hilda-- Well, someday.
[LAUGHING.]
You're grounded.
Hello.
Salem, I bet it feels good to get rid of that cone, huh? Oh, you're such a good kitty.
Come here, little guy.
SALEM: This is it.
I'm gonna be a big guy.
Nothing happened.
That stupid, stupid camel.
Salem, have you lost your mind? She'll wake up and think she's just overworked and needs a vacation.
Maybe the spell will work if I kiss her.
Guess it's time to change vets again.