Sea Patrol (2007) s03e02 Episode Script
Monkey Business
Er, excuse me.
I bought this watch off you this morning.
Rolex.
Classy.
All the way from Switzerland.
It stopped.
(CHITTERS) It's not my problem.
Eh? Well, what about the 250 I paid for it? We don't do refunds on our stuff.
Then I'll swap it for one of Is that 'cause it's all stolen? We're dealers in second-hand goods.
GPS, brand-new, no box.
What ship did that come from? Marine guidance systems, digital cameras, mini-DVs, watches (EXHALES) Tourists everywhere are patting their pockets going, "Hang on a sec!" Mate, if I were you, I'd report 'em to the cops.
May be a warrant out for 'em.
Yeah, yeah.
Maybe I will.
Hey, mate.
Maybe we can do a deal on something else, huh? Camera? Another watch? (MAN LAUGHS) (CHITTERS) What about this little guy? (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) I can't sell him.
He's my pet.
How much? for my new-found friend over there.
Mate, what are you doing? And we say nothing more about how your stall gets its stock.
(LAUGHS) Hey, little guy.
(CHITTERS) MAN: Come here, little guy.
Come on.
Going tick-tock? (LAUGHS) MAN: Hey, mate.
Are you crazy, mate? You can't take a monkey on board 'Hammersley'.
I don't know the meaning of the word 'can't'.
Jump in.
Eh? Come on.
Into the bag.
(GROWLS) (SPEAKS URGENTLY IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) I hope you know the meaning of the word 'run'.
Run! What? (YELLS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) SPIDER: What did you do? Oh! Sorry.
(MEN YELL ANGRILY) Whoa, look out! Whoo! (YELLS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) SPIDER: What the hell did you do? MAN: A bit of monkey magic.
Turned 300 into 200.
Excuse me! You've ripped them off? Join the navy, see the world, meet interesting people! (MAN LAUGHS) (IMITATES MONKEY) Run, man! Ooh, winners are grinners! Oh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh.
(IMITATES MONKEY) SPIDER: Mate, you're crazy.
(IMITATES MONKEY, LAUGHS) Crazy's my middle name! SPIDER: You've got enough names with your double-barrelled last one.
Leo Crazy Kosov-Meyer.
You know, if I did have two dads, they'd both be really proud of me right about now.
Oh! Whoo! Whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa.
Go, go, go, go! (GLASS SMASHES) (GLASS SMASHES) Oi! What do you think you're doing? Turn around and walk away, mate.
Oh, you want me to come down there, do you? (SPITS) So no-one's got any idea why those guys were chucking bottles at us last night? Maybe they weren't aiming at us in particular.
They looked pretty well aimed to me, boss.
No-one had any run-ins on shore leave yesterday? No, boss.
No, sir.
Ah, just some locals, boss, returning our goodwill.
Yes.
Thank you, 2 Dads.
Change your attitude, leader! Let the local authorities know.
They can chase it up.
Yes, sir.
Special sea dutymen, close up! After you, Nav.
(DOOR OPENS) XO: Just the girl I'm looking for.
(DOOR CLOSES) I wanted to see how you are.
I'm fine.
Nik, I know how much you miss ET.
We all do.
(SOBS) It's so hard.
Everything's the same.
But it's not.
It's different.
I still expect to see him.
Every time I turn a corner.
That new guy, 2 Dads - he's the complete opposite.
Mm-hm.
Every time I see him, I'm just just reminded ET's gone.
Have you come back to work too soon? You need some more leave? No.
No.
Couldn't bear hanging round at home.
Work's been the only thing getting me through.
(SIGHS) Is it is it just me, or is Sir Lancelot getting fatter? (LAUGHS) Great.
I'm creating the world's first ever obese clownfish.
(BOTH LAUGH) (MONKEY CHITTERS) (LAUGHS) RO will kill you if you leave peanut shells on his rack.
Just keep an eye out.
Eh? (LAUGHS) Did you see that? He caught it! Oh, man! Gonna teach you all sorts of little skills when I get you past customs, huh? Mate, forget customs.
Try getting past the X.
And that other crap too - she always does an inspection when we've been in a foreign port.
Then I'll distract her with my monkey magic.
Wahh! Wahh! Hmm? Mate, the X is very, very undistractable.
Trust me.
I haven't met an officer yet that I couldn't soft-shoe shuffle.
(LAUGHS) Spider, people are putty in my paws, like those tossers at the market.
No wonder they were throwing empties at us.
NAV: Leader! (CHOKES AND COUGHS) Yes, Nav? You know something about the incident on the wharf? Some men threw bottles at the ship.
You'd had contact with them? None to speak of.
Didn't sound that way.
Slip of the ear, ma'am.
Care for a peanut? Why don't you offer one to the CO? MIKE: So those men and you? We had a slight disagreement at the market, that's all.
About what? Er, the value of certain items they had for sale.
What items? What items? Er, sorry, Buffer.
Sarongs.
I bought sarongs for my sister and those guys ripped me off.
Overcharged big-time.
So this led to the incident at the wharf how? I, um gave 'em a taste of their own medicine.
You cheated them.
I like to see it as evening up the scoreboard, sir.
So they came all the way down to the wharf to throw bottles at a warship over some sarongs - is that what you're saying? I know.
Who would've thought they would've taken it so badly? We're not going to spread much with you ripping off locals! Won't happen again, boss.
It better not.
Not the right way for you to start your tour with us.
No, sir.
I'm sorry, sir.
Back to work.
Aye, sir.
Sarongs.
(CHUCKLES) What do you make of our new electronics tech? Up himself and unprofessional.
It's early days.
MAN ON RADIO: Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! This is Captain Anu Tagore of the fishing vessel 'Monsoon'.
We are disabled.
Over.
Fishing vessel 'Monsoon', this is Captain Mike Flynn of the Australian warship 'Hammersley'.
What's your situation? Over.
Er, we had to go full astern to avoid a collision with the reef.
Er, our engine has seized.
There's some problem with our gears.
Over.
What's your position? Er, 10 degrees, 40 south.
They're in the middle of a shallow reef system, sir.
Lots of bommies and coral close to the surface.
NAV: There is a deeper channel which runs almost the whole way through, so if we altered course, our passage time would be increased, but it would be a safer journey.
Well, they're not in danger of sinking, so let's take that channel.
Slow and steady.
Yes, sir.
Post extra lookouts forward and aft.
Watch for bommies.
Robbo, with me.
Fishing vessel 'Monsoon', this is Australian warship 'Hammersley'.
We're on our way.
We advise that you drop anchor.
Over.
TAGORE: Already done, Captain.
Don't want to bump into anything else.
Over.
Swain, starboard 20.
Altering 0-1-0.
Take the ship, Nav.
Yes, sir.
I have the ship.
What, the boss didn't get up you more than that? Ah, the boss is a pushover.
Yeah, until he finds your little furry friend.
If he does, I'll handle that too.
Port 10, steer 2-2-0.
Port 10, steer 2-2-0.
You right? Have you seen my pruning shears? Your what? My bonsai clippers.
SWAIN: Why would I have seen your bonsai clippers? I always keep them in the top drawer.
Always.
RO, we are kind of busy here.
See, I've had to learn how to keep my feet in any situation.
Bommie, find on the port bow! Starboard 30.
Starboard 30.
(GROANS) Get up, you dork.
SWAIN: 4.
7 metres and shallowing.
(SONAR BEEPS) SWAIN: 4.
2 metres and holding.
Bommie past aft! Midships.
Midships.
Port 20.
Port 20.
NAV: Steer 1-2-0.
SWAIN: Steer 1-2-0.
Quick off the mark, Nav.
Well done.
Thank you, sir.
SWAIN: Course 1-2-0, ma'am.
SWAIN ON P.
A: Captain, bridge.
The Nav requests your presence on the bridge, sir.
No, RO, I still have not seen your bonsai scissors! (NAV GASPS IN EXASPERATION) MIKE: Everything alright? Yeah, I'm fine.
I've just I've misplaced something.
Sir, we have a vessel on our course which is not responding to radio.
What's it moving? Drift speed.
Keep trying the radio.
Better take a look.
Sir.
RO: Vessel in position this is Australian warship 'Hammersley'.
Come in, please.
Yacht 'Maa Malni' on my port bow, please show yourselves.
Try one more, X.
Yacht 'Maa Malni' on my port bow, please show yourselves.
X, take a boarding party and check it out.
But be quick.
The 'Monsoon's waiting for us.
BUFFER: Do a lap slowly.
Hello? BUFFER: XO, get down here.
Well, looks like they were attacked with machetes or something like that, given the defensive wounds on their forearms and hands.
Everything's gone, boss - er, money, clothes, GPS, computer.
Yeah, even the bar fridge, boss.
Pirates.
They're Canadian husband and wife, just following the wind.
Their last logged position places them about 50 nautical miles east of our current position.
When was that? So they're probably long gone.
Let's leave the yacht at anchor.
X, get onto NAVCOM so they can alert the local authorities.
Hey, boss.
What if they're still sniffing around? Oh, we'll show them we're navy and not a soft target.
MIKE: What's the damage, X? Charge has had a look at their engine.
One of the gear cogs has been stripped and lost its housing.
Over.
Ah, terrible noise it made.
MIKE: Can he fix it so they can make it to their port? Er, no, sir - I'm gonna need some time back on board 'Hammersley' just to make it operable.
Then I'll come back and refit it.
Alright, let's set up a tow, get them out of danger.
We'll see about their engine after that.
Yeah, I'm on it, boss.
Oh, the fellowship of the sea.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Anything? Er, well, the good news is there's no sign of bommies and no sign of pirates.
Bad news is I'm starving.
How long till brekkie, Buff? What? Nothing.
When was the last time you saw 2 Dads? Oh, well, he came in about an hour ago, swapped binos with me, reckoned I had his lucky pair or something.
Yeah, right.
(MONKEY CHITTERS) What do you think you're doing? Buff, I, um I was Why'd you leave the boat deck? I was hungry.
Leaving your post's a very serious offence.
Oh, come on, Buff.
I was only gone a minute.
A minute could be all it takes, 2 Dads.
Now, everyone needs to keep their eyes open at all times.
Somebody should tell the Nav that.
She almost ran us into that bommie today.
It could've been Now, you just stop right there.
Now, Lieutenant Caetano is a very fine officer and navigator.
Yes, Buffer.
Look no-one's probably told you.
The guy you're replacing, ET, the Nav's very upset by his death because they were close.
I see.
'Close'? Close, as in? Now, you keep going, sunshine.
I dare ya.
Yeah, I'll grab a couple, mate.
Sure.
(CLATTERING) RO.
What are you doing back there? I still can't find my scissors.
They're antique.
Well, they're certainly not in my galley.
I don't lose things.
It's it's not in my nature.
The last thing that I lost was a figurine of Papa Smurf in 1987.
I was six.
BOMBER: Hey, we all lose things sometimes.
I can't find my necklace anywhere.
Mate, I wouldn't worry.
In a tub this size, bound to turn up sooner or later.
Exactly.
Has anyone seen my watch? (TAPS WATCH) No.
The gold watch, you panda.
One missing item is nothing.
Two, that's a coincidence.
But three Hey, aren't there those, er, those things called, er, poltergeists? Yes, there are also those things called thieves.
Oh.
BOMBER: Touchy.
Oh, dear.
I'll just iron all of these again later.
Swain! Oh, I'll help look.
MIKE: How did RO's scissors, Bomber's necklace, Charge's watch and my wallet all come to be in your cabin, Leading Seaman? I don't know, sir.
In your rack.
I'm not a thief, boss.
Then how'd this stuff get in there? Charge had his watch last night.
When would I have had a chance to pinch it? Buff said that you left your post this morning.
XO: Did you? Yes, ma'am.
XO: What were you doing? (SIGHS) I was hungry.
That's lame.
Hungry? I didn't steal it, sir.
I don't know who did.
But it wasn't me.
Why would someone else hide stolen goods in your bed? I don't know.
But I didn't steal anything.
Just like you didn't rort those guys at the market? Eh? Come to attention, leader.
You're on notice.
This will go in front of another CO for their deliberation.
Dismissed.
(QUIETLY) Yes, sir.
Talk about snakes in the grass! I knew that I had not lost my shears.
I don't lose things.
BOMBER: Yeah, funny feeling, one of your crewmates stealing from you.
I didn't.
I didn't take your shears.
I didn't take any of it.
Whatever, 2 Dads.
Who did, then? I didn't do it.
Yeah, but you know who did.
(SIGHS) What am I gonna do? You're gonna do something about that stupid monkey.
Come here, you.
What's that? This is such a mess.
Hmm.
Where are you? (KNOCK AT DOOR) Shit! Um One second.
Come in.
Oh.
Do you mind if I have a word? Er, yeah.
Sure.
Leo.
Look, I know how, um, difficult it must be to stand in front of your shipmates and admit your wrongdoing What what is that smell? I smell anything, ma'am.
(SNIFFS) No, it's it's musty.
It's it's like some What is that? Leaky pipe? Yeah, leaky pipe.
Honestly, navy should get us ships with better plumbing.
Yeah.
(SCUFFLING) You were saying? What what was that? (SCUFFLING CONTINUES) Did you hear that? Rats, maybe? Oh, no.
Ma'am.
Er, ma'am, before you I think it's (MONKEY SHRIEKS) Oh! Oh, my God.
My God, it's a monkey! Where did he come from? (CHITTERS) I don't know, but he seems to know you.
Come here.
(CHITTERS) X.
I know he's against the rules, but I couldn't resist buying him.
And you know what? I think he's the thief.
Oh, grow up! You don't think he's cute, ma'am? Cute? AQIS will quarantine this ship for three months if we arrive with that (SIGHS) that little thing on board.
What? It could have rabies or parasites or God knows what other diseases we're trying to keep out of the country.
I hope that you'll stand up in front of your shipmates and tell them they can't see their families or get off this ship for three months because you decided that the law didn't apply to you! I didn't think.
No.
No, you didn't think, did you? You are a lazy know-all who has lied to me and your CO about bringing contraband on board this ship.
Now, clean up this mess.
It is disgusting! Ma'am.
What about the monkey? Well, you're gonna have to get rid of the poor thing.
I owe you an apology, mate.
Come on.
Jump down.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) Oh, hold on.
Yeah, come in.
You're on the steaming party.
Yeah, I just got to do one Now! Let's go.
Yep.
Sure, Buff.
So, you see, it was the monkey that took your watch.
You brought a monkey on board? Yeah.
That's why stuff's going missing.
He's been trained to pinch things, like a pickpocket.
It makes sense.
Yeah, except the part where you brought a monkey on board.
Yeah, I know.
It was a stupid thing to do.
No, look, I knew this idiot Charge.
who, when he was a lot younger than he is now Charge.
he brought this spider monkey on board.
CHARGE: Cute as a button, it was.
Smart too.
Not a pickpocket.
Yeah.
What happened? When the CO found out about it, he, er he had to go.
Drowned it.
I put him in a life jacket first.
(ZIPPER UNZIPS) I mean, who knows? Little fella could've found his way back to shore.
Nav, I'll refit this.
Captain Tagore? I'm Nikki Caetano.
I'm gonna help you navigate out of here once we get your engines up and running.
Thank you.
And, uh, welcome, Lieutenant.
Um, tea? No, thank you.
Right.
Well, the, er, charts are upstairs.
(MONKEY CHITTERS) This channel here looks the safest, most direct route.
OK.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Yep.
I'll go, er, check the towline.
Yep.
A monkey.
XO: A monkey.
He smuggles a monkey on board which then proceeds to pickpocket the entire crew.
Yeah, he has been nothing but trouble since he joined this ship.
He behaves like he doesn't wanna be here.
He doesn't.
He only joined the navy to avoid going to jail.
What? He's had minor run-ins with the police since he was a teenager - vandalism, offensive behaviour, that sort of thing.
Three years ago, a magistrate recommended his parents get him to join the services for a bit of discipline, before he ends up with a conviction.
Since when did we become a rehabilitation service? I know.
Anyway, soon as we're back home, he's off my ship.
And what about the monkey? Well, I'm not spending $10,000 of taxpayers' money in fuel just to drop it off on a desert island.
Where is the damn thing now anyway? You'll live to steal another day, little guy.
Just sneak ashore at these guys' port.
(CHITTERS) Good boy.
No, no.
Don't go that way.
(MONKEY CHITTERS) (SINGS QUIETLY) # She'll love you ? OK.
(STARTS MOTOR) (GASPS IN PAIN) (YELLS) (YELLS) Nice work.
Nice work.
(MOANING AND BANGING) (2 DADS MOANS) (2 DADS MOANS) I might just check where my crewmate has got to.
Hey.
Hey! Hey, hey! Let him go! (GROWLS) Hey! What's going on? This is the laughing thief.
The one who thinks he can steal from us and just get away with it.
Oh, you fools! You couldn't wait five more minutes? You, let him go.
Woman, quiet! He cheated us at the market, took our monkey.
We can't let him go.
Oh, we can't now, can we? Which means, Lieutenant, we can't let you go either.
You, there! (MOANS) OK.
OK.
Where's the other one, the big engineer? Where is he? The engine room.
Well, go! Get him! Get him! Get the other gun.
What the hell is going on? There's a cabin below full of equipment from that yacht.
These are the pirates.
It'll be alright, Nav.
We'll be OK.
I'll think of something.
I do not need you comforting me, Leading Seaman.
It's your stupidity that got us into this.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) (GRUNTS) (YELLS) (PANTS) (RAPID FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) I can't find the engineer.
Right, give him your gun.
TAGORE: You find him.
Go find him.
Find him! You.
No.
No.
No.
Hey! Get up.
Drop your weapon.
Drop your weapon.
Give me that gun now or I kill this dog before your eyes.
Now! Charge.
Ma'am.
Drop it.
Do it.
NAV: Put it down.
(2 DADS PANTS) Please.
Floor.
Sit down on the floor! Sir.
Do you want the good news or the bad news? Get on with it, RO.
Looks like we've found our pirates.
Got a message in from NAVCOM in response to yesterday's incident report.
The 'Monsoon' was reported stolen three months ago.
RO: They haven't heard from the crew since.
Alright, Buffer, stand by to drop the tow.
We go boarding stations, sir? Roger.
Boarding stations.
Hands to boarding stations MIKE: Swain, port 20.
Altering 1-8-0, revolutions 1,700.
Bomber, Spider, close up on the.
50 cal.
Roger.
November 8-2, this is Charlie 8-2.
Over.
MIKE: November 82, this is Charlie 82.
Over.
November 82, this is Cha (RADIO SIGNAL GOES DEAD) Try and get 'em on the VHF, RO.
First time we ever scored a navy radio.
How much will we get for this? More than we're owed.
(GROANS) I bet you wish you'd paid full price for that monkey now, eh? RO ON RADIO: 'Monsoon', this is Australian warship 'Hammersley'.
Come in, please.
'Monsoon', this is Australian warship 'Hammersley'.
Respond.
'Monsoon', this is Australian warship 'Hammersley'.
Come in, please.
Get me Lieutenant Commander Flynn.
This is Flynn.
TAGORE: We have three of your crew hostage.
You try to board us, we will kill them.
I'd like to speak to Lieutenant Caetano or Chief Engineer Thorpe.
No, no, no, no.
You get nothing till I get what I want.
And what's that? TAGORE: 2,000 rounds, .
50-calibre ammunition.
In exchange for my three crew members unharmed.
The lieutenant and the engineer - hmm.
But my crew has some business with the young man.
Him, we will keep.
Sir, we can't leave 2 Dads.
No, we're not going to.
But we've gotta give them something.
This way, I get two crew members back, a RHIB across there and a chance to board them.
But we can't give them ammunition.
We'll give them something.
Right, captain has the ship.
Captain Tagore, I'm sending a boat.
G4 cleared up.
Closed the wipe bore.
Clear! BOMBER: Ammunition provided to the mount, sir.
Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa.
Here they are.
Are you OK? Come! The ammunition.
Our people come on board here to us first.
After we get our bullets first! OK.
Pass them over.
Show me.
Show me! Nav.
Good.
Good.
(MOUTHS) (MOUTHS) Lieutenant Caetano and Chief Engineer Thorpe.
Now.
Kill them now! No! Hold your fire! Hold your fire! Drop your weapons! Put your weapon down! Put your weapon down! Do you think we are stupid? TAGORE: Now you get no-one.
Up to the wheelhouse, now.
I've got a clear shot, ma'am.
Hold your fire, Swain.
You tell your captain that if he decides to follow us, you'll be collecting their bodies from the water! (MOUTHS) Hands to boarding stations.
Hands to boarding stations.
Full boarding party.
You arrogant Australians! You think you can cheat us? Guys, guys, look.
I know you're a little upset Hey! Hey! You cheat me! You call us thieves? You know how much that animal is worth? How long I train him? Guys Hey! (MOANS) Stop it! He's on board.
The monkey.
I brought him over! (2 DADS PANTS) The monkey's on board.
Go take a look.
(MOANS LOUDLY) Stop it.
Captain, stop them now! Go look! Go look! He's below there.
He's on b Take a look! He's downstairs, below decks.
Go take a look down there! For Christ's sake.
You want to die too? (YELLS) Hey! Watch him! (THUMP!) (GRUNTS) (FIRES GUN REPEATEDLY) SITREP, X.
XO: There's gunfire on the 'Monsoon', sir.
Well, who are they shooting at? Do we engage, sir? Do we engage? Negative.
Return to the ship.
Over.
Copy that.
Take us home.
(FIRES GUN) (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) Hey! (SNARLS) Get back inside! Get back inside! Anyone see 2 Dads? No-one visible, sir.
How many weapons? One 9-mil.
The others have machetes.
There were three on deck, but Charge signalled that there was a fourth, sir.
Sir, they said if we try to follow, they'll kill Nav and Charge.
He means it, sir.
We'll see about that.
Bomber, Spider, join the boarding party.
BUFFER: OK, boarding party, weapons ready! (GROWLS) (FIRES GUN REPEATEDLY) BUFFER: Returning fire! (GUNFIRE) BUFFER: Bomber, take the port side.
(GUNFIRE) BOMBER: Copy that, Buffer.
BUFFER: Get us in there, Bomby.
(WHISPERS) Nav.
Kill them! (CHOKES AND GAGS) (GUNFIRE) BUFFER: OK, Bomber, we're boarding.
BOMBER: Approaching port side now, Swain.
(GUNFIRE) (CHOKES) Drop your weapons! BOMBER: We're at port side, Buffer.
Drop your weapons! We are the Australian Navy! I order you to drop your weapons.
It's over! Drop your weapons.
Put your weapon down! Drop 'em or I'll fire! Put the weapon down! Put the weapon down! Put 'em down! Down! (GRUNTS) BUFFER: Down on your knees! Hands behind your back! SPIDER: 2 Dads, this everyone? Yeah, it's everyone.
In the wheelhouse! Roger! So she says, "Fine, get your own blankets.
" (LAUGHS) I think this is yours too, sir.
The thief is definitely off my ship? Yes, sir.
He's on the 'Monsoon'.
Somewhere.
Whatever you did in the market clearly contributed to these events.
Yes, sir.
I take full responsibility for my behaviour.
Up to an hour ago, you were off my ship, headed for a captains' table.
Yes, sir.
But you've earned yourself a last chance.
Thank you, sir.
And the privilege of sterilising everywhere that monkey's been with a toothbrush.
Yes, sir.
Now, if you wanna stay on my ship, you gotta prove yourself, leader.
Won't let you down, boss.
Very good.
Thanks, boss.
(SCRUBS) Don't forget the galley.
And the laundry.
Absolutely.
(CHUCKLES) You never did, er you never did see my monkey, did you, ma'am? Cute as.
Little button eyes.
Cheeky little thing.
You would've loved him.
It's a pleasure I can live without, (SIGHS) Good with animals.
Great with nunchucks.
Oh, and I am rich too, so got that going for me as well.
Oh, come on, Nav.
I'm not that bad, am I? (SCRUBS) You jumping back on board wasn't some great plan to save Charge and me, was it? You just wanted to save your own skin.
I know the others think you're OK now.
But doing something by default, well, that's not good enough in my book.
I'm watching you.
As long as it's not in the shower.
I bought this watch off you this morning.
Rolex.
Classy.
All the way from Switzerland.
It stopped.
(CHITTERS) It's not my problem.
Eh? Well, what about the 250 I paid for it? We don't do refunds on our stuff.
Then I'll swap it for one of Is that 'cause it's all stolen? We're dealers in second-hand goods.
GPS, brand-new, no box.
What ship did that come from? Marine guidance systems, digital cameras, mini-DVs, watches (EXHALES) Tourists everywhere are patting their pockets going, "Hang on a sec!" Mate, if I were you, I'd report 'em to the cops.
May be a warrant out for 'em.
Yeah, yeah.
Maybe I will.
Hey, mate.
Maybe we can do a deal on something else, huh? Camera? Another watch? (MAN LAUGHS) (CHITTERS) What about this little guy? (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) I can't sell him.
He's my pet.
How much? for my new-found friend over there.
Mate, what are you doing? And we say nothing more about how your stall gets its stock.
(LAUGHS) Hey, little guy.
(CHITTERS) MAN: Come here, little guy.
Come on.
Going tick-tock? (LAUGHS) MAN: Hey, mate.
Are you crazy, mate? You can't take a monkey on board 'Hammersley'.
I don't know the meaning of the word 'can't'.
Jump in.
Eh? Come on.
Into the bag.
(GROWLS) (SPEAKS URGENTLY IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) I hope you know the meaning of the word 'run'.
Run! What? (YELLS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) SPIDER: What did you do? Oh! Sorry.
(MEN YELL ANGRILY) Whoa, look out! Whoo! (YELLS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) SPIDER: What the hell did you do? MAN: A bit of monkey magic.
Turned 300 into 200.
Excuse me! You've ripped them off? Join the navy, see the world, meet interesting people! (MAN LAUGHS) (IMITATES MONKEY) Run, man! Ooh, winners are grinners! Oh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh.
(IMITATES MONKEY) SPIDER: Mate, you're crazy.
(IMITATES MONKEY, LAUGHS) Crazy's my middle name! SPIDER: You've got enough names with your double-barrelled last one.
Leo Crazy Kosov-Meyer.
You know, if I did have two dads, they'd both be really proud of me right about now.
Oh! Whoo! Whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa.
Go, go, go, go! (GLASS SMASHES) (GLASS SMASHES) Oi! What do you think you're doing? Turn around and walk away, mate.
Oh, you want me to come down there, do you? (SPITS) So no-one's got any idea why those guys were chucking bottles at us last night? Maybe they weren't aiming at us in particular.
They looked pretty well aimed to me, boss.
No-one had any run-ins on shore leave yesterday? No, boss.
No, sir.
Ah, just some locals, boss, returning our goodwill.
Yes.
Thank you, 2 Dads.
Change your attitude, leader! Let the local authorities know.
They can chase it up.
Yes, sir.
Special sea dutymen, close up! After you, Nav.
(DOOR OPENS) XO: Just the girl I'm looking for.
(DOOR CLOSES) I wanted to see how you are.
I'm fine.
Nik, I know how much you miss ET.
We all do.
(SOBS) It's so hard.
Everything's the same.
But it's not.
It's different.
I still expect to see him.
Every time I turn a corner.
That new guy, 2 Dads - he's the complete opposite.
Mm-hm.
Every time I see him, I'm just just reminded ET's gone.
Have you come back to work too soon? You need some more leave? No.
No.
Couldn't bear hanging round at home.
Work's been the only thing getting me through.
(SIGHS) Is it is it just me, or is Sir Lancelot getting fatter? (LAUGHS) Great.
I'm creating the world's first ever obese clownfish.
(BOTH LAUGH) (MONKEY CHITTERS) (LAUGHS) RO will kill you if you leave peanut shells on his rack.
Just keep an eye out.
Eh? (LAUGHS) Did you see that? He caught it! Oh, man! Gonna teach you all sorts of little skills when I get you past customs, huh? Mate, forget customs.
Try getting past the X.
And that other crap too - she always does an inspection when we've been in a foreign port.
Then I'll distract her with my monkey magic.
Wahh! Wahh! Hmm? Mate, the X is very, very undistractable.
Trust me.
I haven't met an officer yet that I couldn't soft-shoe shuffle.
(LAUGHS) Spider, people are putty in my paws, like those tossers at the market.
No wonder they were throwing empties at us.
NAV: Leader! (CHOKES AND COUGHS) Yes, Nav? You know something about the incident on the wharf? Some men threw bottles at the ship.
You'd had contact with them? None to speak of.
Didn't sound that way.
Slip of the ear, ma'am.
Care for a peanut? Why don't you offer one to the CO? MIKE: So those men and you? We had a slight disagreement at the market, that's all.
About what? Er, the value of certain items they had for sale.
What items? What items? Er, sorry, Buffer.
Sarongs.
I bought sarongs for my sister and those guys ripped me off.
Overcharged big-time.
So this led to the incident at the wharf how? I, um gave 'em a taste of their own medicine.
You cheated them.
I like to see it as evening up the scoreboard, sir.
So they came all the way down to the wharf to throw bottles at a warship over some sarongs - is that what you're saying? I know.
Who would've thought they would've taken it so badly? We're not going to spread much with you ripping off locals! Won't happen again, boss.
It better not.
Not the right way for you to start your tour with us.
No, sir.
I'm sorry, sir.
Back to work.
Aye, sir.
Sarongs.
(CHUCKLES) What do you make of our new electronics tech? Up himself and unprofessional.
It's early days.
MAN ON RADIO: Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! This is Captain Anu Tagore of the fishing vessel 'Monsoon'.
We are disabled.
Over.
Fishing vessel 'Monsoon', this is Captain Mike Flynn of the Australian warship 'Hammersley'.
What's your situation? Over.
Er, we had to go full astern to avoid a collision with the reef.
Er, our engine has seized.
There's some problem with our gears.
Over.
What's your position? Er, 10 degrees, 40 south.
They're in the middle of a shallow reef system, sir.
Lots of bommies and coral close to the surface.
NAV: There is a deeper channel which runs almost the whole way through, so if we altered course, our passage time would be increased, but it would be a safer journey.
Well, they're not in danger of sinking, so let's take that channel.
Slow and steady.
Yes, sir.
Post extra lookouts forward and aft.
Watch for bommies.
Robbo, with me.
Fishing vessel 'Monsoon', this is Australian warship 'Hammersley'.
We're on our way.
We advise that you drop anchor.
Over.
TAGORE: Already done, Captain.
Don't want to bump into anything else.
Over.
Swain, starboard 20.
Altering 0-1-0.
Take the ship, Nav.
Yes, sir.
I have the ship.
What, the boss didn't get up you more than that? Ah, the boss is a pushover.
Yeah, until he finds your little furry friend.
If he does, I'll handle that too.
Port 10, steer 2-2-0.
Port 10, steer 2-2-0.
You right? Have you seen my pruning shears? Your what? My bonsai clippers.
SWAIN: Why would I have seen your bonsai clippers? I always keep them in the top drawer.
Always.
RO, we are kind of busy here.
See, I've had to learn how to keep my feet in any situation.
Bommie, find on the port bow! Starboard 30.
Starboard 30.
(GROANS) Get up, you dork.
SWAIN: 4.
7 metres and shallowing.
(SONAR BEEPS) SWAIN: 4.
2 metres and holding.
Bommie past aft! Midships.
Midships.
Port 20.
Port 20.
NAV: Steer 1-2-0.
SWAIN: Steer 1-2-0.
Quick off the mark, Nav.
Well done.
Thank you, sir.
SWAIN: Course 1-2-0, ma'am.
SWAIN ON P.
A: Captain, bridge.
The Nav requests your presence on the bridge, sir.
No, RO, I still have not seen your bonsai scissors! (NAV GASPS IN EXASPERATION) MIKE: Everything alright? Yeah, I'm fine.
I've just I've misplaced something.
Sir, we have a vessel on our course which is not responding to radio.
What's it moving? Drift speed.
Keep trying the radio.
Better take a look.
Sir.
RO: Vessel in position this is Australian warship 'Hammersley'.
Come in, please.
Yacht 'Maa Malni' on my port bow, please show yourselves.
Try one more, X.
Yacht 'Maa Malni' on my port bow, please show yourselves.
X, take a boarding party and check it out.
But be quick.
The 'Monsoon's waiting for us.
BUFFER: Do a lap slowly.
Hello? BUFFER: XO, get down here.
Well, looks like they were attacked with machetes or something like that, given the defensive wounds on their forearms and hands.
Everything's gone, boss - er, money, clothes, GPS, computer.
Yeah, even the bar fridge, boss.
Pirates.
They're Canadian husband and wife, just following the wind.
Their last logged position places them about 50 nautical miles east of our current position.
When was that? So they're probably long gone.
Let's leave the yacht at anchor.
X, get onto NAVCOM so they can alert the local authorities.
Hey, boss.
What if they're still sniffing around? Oh, we'll show them we're navy and not a soft target.
MIKE: What's the damage, X? Charge has had a look at their engine.
One of the gear cogs has been stripped and lost its housing.
Over.
Ah, terrible noise it made.
MIKE: Can he fix it so they can make it to their port? Er, no, sir - I'm gonna need some time back on board 'Hammersley' just to make it operable.
Then I'll come back and refit it.
Alright, let's set up a tow, get them out of danger.
We'll see about their engine after that.
Yeah, I'm on it, boss.
Oh, the fellowship of the sea.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Anything? Er, well, the good news is there's no sign of bommies and no sign of pirates.
Bad news is I'm starving.
How long till brekkie, Buff? What? Nothing.
When was the last time you saw 2 Dads? Oh, well, he came in about an hour ago, swapped binos with me, reckoned I had his lucky pair or something.
Yeah, right.
(MONKEY CHITTERS) What do you think you're doing? Buff, I, um I was Why'd you leave the boat deck? I was hungry.
Leaving your post's a very serious offence.
Oh, come on, Buff.
I was only gone a minute.
A minute could be all it takes, 2 Dads.
Now, everyone needs to keep their eyes open at all times.
Somebody should tell the Nav that.
She almost ran us into that bommie today.
It could've been Now, you just stop right there.
Now, Lieutenant Caetano is a very fine officer and navigator.
Yes, Buffer.
Look no-one's probably told you.
The guy you're replacing, ET, the Nav's very upset by his death because they were close.
I see.
'Close'? Close, as in? Now, you keep going, sunshine.
I dare ya.
Yeah, I'll grab a couple, mate.
Sure.
(CLATTERING) RO.
What are you doing back there? I still can't find my scissors.
They're antique.
Well, they're certainly not in my galley.
I don't lose things.
It's it's not in my nature.
The last thing that I lost was a figurine of Papa Smurf in 1987.
I was six.
BOMBER: Hey, we all lose things sometimes.
I can't find my necklace anywhere.
Mate, I wouldn't worry.
In a tub this size, bound to turn up sooner or later.
Exactly.
Has anyone seen my watch? (TAPS WATCH) No.
The gold watch, you panda.
One missing item is nothing.
Two, that's a coincidence.
But three Hey, aren't there those, er, those things called, er, poltergeists? Yes, there are also those things called thieves.
Oh.
BOMBER: Touchy.
Oh, dear.
I'll just iron all of these again later.
Swain! Oh, I'll help look.
MIKE: How did RO's scissors, Bomber's necklace, Charge's watch and my wallet all come to be in your cabin, Leading Seaman? I don't know, sir.
In your rack.
I'm not a thief, boss.
Then how'd this stuff get in there? Charge had his watch last night.
When would I have had a chance to pinch it? Buff said that you left your post this morning.
XO: Did you? Yes, ma'am.
XO: What were you doing? (SIGHS) I was hungry.
That's lame.
Hungry? I didn't steal it, sir.
I don't know who did.
But it wasn't me.
Why would someone else hide stolen goods in your bed? I don't know.
But I didn't steal anything.
Just like you didn't rort those guys at the market? Eh? Come to attention, leader.
You're on notice.
This will go in front of another CO for their deliberation.
Dismissed.
(QUIETLY) Yes, sir.
Talk about snakes in the grass! I knew that I had not lost my shears.
I don't lose things.
BOMBER: Yeah, funny feeling, one of your crewmates stealing from you.
I didn't.
I didn't take your shears.
I didn't take any of it.
Whatever, 2 Dads.
Who did, then? I didn't do it.
Yeah, but you know who did.
(SIGHS) What am I gonna do? You're gonna do something about that stupid monkey.
Come here, you.
What's that? This is such a mess.
Hmm.
Where are you? (KNOCK AT DOOR) Shit! Um One second.
Come in.
Oh.
Do you mind if I have a word? Er, yeah.
Sure.
Leo.
Look, I know how, um, difficult it must be to stand in front of your shipmates and admit your wrongdoing What what is that smell? I smell anything, ma'am.
(SNIFFS) No, it's it's musty.
It's it's like some What is that? Leaky pipe? Yeah, leaky pipe.
Honestly, navy should get us ships with better plumbing.
Yeah.
(SCUFFLING) You were saying? What what was that? (SCUFFLING CONTINUES) Did you hear that? Rats, maybe? Oh, no.
Ma'am.
Er, ma'am, before you I think it's (MONKEY SHRIEKS) Oh! Oh, my God.
My God, it's a monkey! Where did he come from? (CHITTERS) I don't know, but he seems to know you.
Come here.
(CHITTERS) X.
I know he's against the rules, but I couldn't resist buying him.
And you know what? I think he's the thief.
Oh, grow up! You don't think he's cute, ma'am? Cute? AQIS will quarantine this ship for three months if we arrive with that (SIGHS) that little thing on board.
What? It could have rabies or parasites or God knows what other diseases we're trying to keep out of the country.
I hope that you'll stand up in front of your shipmates and tell them they can't see their families or get off this ship for three months because you decided that the law didn't apply to you! I didn't think.
No.
No, you didn't think, did you? You are a lazy know-all who has lied to me and your CO about bringing contraband on board this ship.
Now, clean up this mess.
It is disgusting! Ma'am.
What about the monkey? Well, you're gonna have to get rid of the poor thing.
I owe you an apology, mate.
Come on.
Jump down.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) Oh, hold on.
Yeah, come in.
You're on the steaming party.
Yeah, I just got to do one Now! Let's go.
Yep.
Sure, Buff.
So, you see, it was the monkey that took your watch.
You brought a monkey on board? Yeah.
That's why stuff's going missing.
He's been trained to pinch things, like a pickpocket.
It makes sense.
Yeah, except the part where you brought a monkey on board.
Yeah, I know.
It was a stupid thing to do.
No, look, I knew this idiot Charge.
who, when he was a lot younger than he is now Charge.
he brought this spider monkey on board.
CHARGE: Cute as a button, it was.
Smart too.
Not a pickpocket.
Yeah.
What happened? When the CO found out about it, he, er he had to go.
Drowned it.
I put him in a life jacket first.
(ZIPPER UNZIPS) I mean, who knows? Little fella could've found his way back to shore.
Nav, I'll refit this.
Captain Tagore? I'm Nikki Caetano.
I'm gonna help you navigate out of here once we get your engines up and running.
Thank you.
And, uh, welcome, Lieutenant.
Um, tea? No, thank you.
Right.
Well, the, er, charts are upstairs.
(MONKEY CHITTERS) This channel here looks the safest, most direct route.
OK.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Yep.
I'll go, er, check the towline.
Yep.
A monkey.
XO: A monkey.
He smuggles a monkey on board which then proceeds to pickpocket the entire crew.
Yeah, he has been nothing but trouble since he joined this ship.
He behaves like he doesn't wanna be here.
He doesn't.
He only joined the navy to avoid going to jail.
What? He's had minor run-ins with the police since he was a teenager - vandalism, offensive behaviour, that sort of thing.
Three years ago, a magistrate recommended his parents get him to join the services for a bit of discipline, before he ends up with a conviction.
Since when did we become a rehabilitation service? I know.
Anyway, soon as we're back home, he's off my ship.
And what about the monkey? Well, I'm not spending $10,000 of taxpayers' money in fuel just to drop it off on a desert island.
Where is the damn thing now anyway? You'll live to steal another day, little guy.
Just sneak ashore at these guys' port.
(CHITTERS) Good boy.
No, no.
Don't go that way.
(MONKEY CHITTERS) (SINGS QUIETLY) # She'll love you ? OK.
(STARTS MOTOR) (GASPS IN PAIN) (YELLS) (YELLS) Nice work.
Nice work.
(MOANING AND BANGING) (2 DADS MOANS) (2 DADS MOANS) I might just check where my crewmate has got to.
Hey.
Hey! Hey, hey! Let him go! (GROWLS) Hey! What's going on? This is the laughing thief.
The one who thinks he can steal from us and just get away with it.
Oh, you fools! You couldn't wait five more minutes? You, let him go.
Woman, quiet! He cheated us at the market, took our monkey.
We can't let him go.
Oh, we can't now, can we? Which means, Lieutenant, we can't let you go either.
You, there! (MOANS) OK.
OK.
Where's the other one, the big engineer? Where is he? The engine room.
Well, go! Get him! Get him! Get the other gun.
What the hell is going on? There's a cabin below full of equipment from that yacht.
These are the pirates.
It'll be alright, Nav.
We'll be OK.
I'll think of something.
I do not need you comforting me, Leading Seaman.
It's your stupidity that got us into this.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) (GRUNTS) (YELLS) (PANTS) (RAPID FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) I can't find the engineer.
Right, give him your gun.
TAGORE: You find him.
Go find him.
Find him! You.
No.
No.
No.
Hey! Get up.
Drop your weapon.
Drop your weapon.
Give me that gun now or I kill this dog before your eyes.
Now! Charge.
Ma'am.
Drop it.
Do it.
NAV: Put it down.
(2 DADS PANTS) Please.
Floor.
Sit down on the floor! Sir.
Do you want the good news or the bad news? Get on with it, RO.
Looks like we've found our pirates.
Got a message in from NAVCOM in response to yesterday's incident report.
The 'Monsoon' was reported stolen three months ago.
RO: They haven't heard from the crew since.
Alright, Buffer, stand by to drop the tow.
We go boarding stations, sir? Roger.
Boarding stations.
Hands to boarding stations MIKE: Swain, port 20.
Altering 1-8-0, revolutions 1,700.
Bomber, Spider, close up on the.
50 cal.
Roger.
November 8-2, this is Charlie 8-2.
Over.
MIKE: November 82, this is Charlie 82.
Over.
November 82, this is Cha (RADIO SIGNAL GOES DEAD) Try and get 'em on the VHF, RO.
First time we ever scored a navy radio.
How much will we get for this? More than we're owed.
(GROANS) I bet you wish you'd paid full price for that monkey now, eh? RO ON RADIO: 'Monsoon', this is Australian warship 'Hammersley'.
Come in, please.
'Monsoon', this is Australian warship 'Hammersley'.
Respond.
'Monsoon', this is Australian warship 'Hammersley'.
Come in, please.
Get me Lieutenant Commander Flynn.
This is Flynn.
TAGORE: We have three of your crew hostage.
You try to board us, we will kill them.
I'd like to speak to Lieutenant Caetano or Chief Engineer Thorpe.
No, no, no, no.
You get nothing till I get what I want.
And what's that? TAGORE: 2,000 rounds, .
50-calibre ammunition.
In exchange for my three crew members unharmed.
The lieutenant and the engineer - hmm.
But my crew has some business with the young man.
Him, we will keep.
Sir, we can't leave 2 Dads.
No, we're not going to.
But we've gotta give them something.
This way, I get two crew members back, a RHIB across there and a chance to board them.
But we can't give them ammunition.
We'll give them something.
Right, captain has the ship.
Captain Tagore, I'm sending a boat.
G4 cleared up.
Closed the wipe bore.
Clear! BOMBER: Ammunition provided to the mount, sir.
Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa.
Here they are.
Are you OK? Come! The ammunition.
Our people come on board here to us first.
After we get our bullets first! OK.
Pass them over.
Show me.
Show me! Nav.
Good.
Good.
(MOUTHS) (MOUTHS) Lieutenant Caetano and Chief Engineer Thorpe.
Now.
Kill them now! No! Hold your fire! Hold your fire! Drop your weapons! Put your weapon down! Put your weapon down! Do you think we are stupid? TAGORE: Now you get no-one.
Up to the wheelhouse, now.
I've got a clear shot, ma'am.
Hold your fire, Swain.
You tell your captain that if he decides to follow us, you'll be collecting their bodies from the water! (MOUTHS) Hands to boarding stations.
Hands to boarding stations.
Full boarding party.
You arrogant Australians! You think you can cheat us? Guys, guys, look.
I know you're a little upset Hey! Hey! You cheat me! You call us thieves? You know how much that animal is worth? How long I train him? Guys Hey! (MOANS) Stop it! He's on board.
The monkey.
I brought him over! (2 DADS PANTS) The monkey's on board.
Go take a look.
(MOANS LOUDLY) Stop it.
Captain, stop them now! Go look! Go look! He's below there.
He's on b Take a look! He's downstairs, below decks.
Go take a look down there! For Christ's sake.
You want to die too? (YELLS) Hey! Watch him! (THUMP!) (GRUNTS) (FIRES GUN REPEATEDLY) SITREP, X.
XO: There's gunfire on the 'Monsoon', sir.
Well, who are they shooting at? Do we engage, sir? Do we engage? Negative.
Return to the ship.
Over.
Copy that.
Take us home.
(FIRES GUN) (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) Hey! (SNARLS) Get back inside! Get back inside! Anyone see 2 Dads? No-one visible, sir.
How many weapons? One 9-mil.
The others have machetes.
There were three on deck, but Charge signalled that there was a fourth, sir.
Sir, they said if we try to follow, they'll kill Nav and Charge.
He means it, sir.
We'll see about that.
Bomber, Spider, join the boarding party.
BUFFER: OK, boarding party, weapons ready! (GROWLS) (FIRES GUN REPEATEDLY) BUFFER: Returning fire! (GUNFIRE) BUFFER: Bomber, take the port side.
(GUNFIRE) BOMBER: Copy that, Buffer.
BUFFER: Get us in there, Bomby.
(WHISPERS) Nav.
Kill them! (CHOKES AND GAGS) (GUNFIRE) BUFFER: OK, Bomber, we're boarding.
BOMBER: Approaching port side now, Swain.
(GUNFIRE) (CHOKES) Drop your weapons! BOMBER: We're at port side, Buffer.
Drop your weapons! We are the Australian Navy! I order you to drop your weapons.
It's over! Drop your weapons.
Put your weapon down! Drop 'em or I'll fire! Put the weapon down! Put the weapon down! Put 'em down! Down! (GRUNTS) BUFFER: Down on your knees! Hands behind your back! SPIDER: 2 Dads, this everyone? Yeah, it's everyone.
In the wheelhouse! Roger! So she says, "Fine, get your own blankets.
" (LAUGHS) I think this is yours too, sir.
The thief is definitely off my ship? Yes, sir.
He's on the 'Monsoon'.
Somewhere.
Whatever you did in the market clearly contributed to these events.
Yes, sir.
I take full responsibility for my behaviour.
Up to an hour ago, you were off my ship, headed for a captains' table.
Yes, sir.
But you've earned yourself a last chance.
Thank you, sir.
And the privilege of sterilising everywhere that monkey's been with a toothbrush.
Yes, sir.
Now, if you wanna stay on my ship, you gotta prove yourself, leader.
Won't let you down, boss.
Very good.
Thanks, boss.
(SCRUBS) Don't forget the galley.
And the laundry.
Absolutely.
(CHUCKLES) You never did, er you never did see my monkey, did you, ma'am? Cute as.
Little button eyes.
Cheeky little thing.
You would've loved him.
It's a pleasure I can live without, (SIGHS) Good with animals.
Great with nunchucks.
Oh, and I am rich too, so got that going for me as well.
Oh, come on, Nav.
I'm not that bad, am I? (SCRUBS) You jumping back on board wasn't some great plan to save Charge and me, was it? You just wanted to save your own skin.
I know the others think you're OK now.
But doing something by default, well, that's not good enough in my book.
I'm watching you.
As long as it's not in the shower.