Son of a Critch (2022) s03e02 Episode Script

1
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Reach for the Top!
A TV quiz show for kids.
Students in every province competed
with the hopes of country-wide fame.
MR. TILLEY: [TV] In this coastal city,
you'll rest in the
shade of Fleming Park,
which is also called the Dingle.
Halifax.
- [BUZZ]
- MR. TILLEY: Princess Anne?
- Moncton?
- No, Moncton is not correct.
To St. Dominick's we go for
the remainder of the question.
Always wait for the full question!
Nah, you've gotta go for
it. Shoot first, think later.
Thinking is kind of the whole point.
It's trivia.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Cara!
A Protestant girl I'd had a fling with.
We went to different
schools, separated by religion.
Not quite star-crossed
lovers, but crucifix-crossed,
or cross-crossed.
- [BEEP]
- Charlottetown?
No, we're in Halifax.
Right again. Nice one, Critch.
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
Trivia! Sports for nerds.
And I was the Gretzky of geeks.
MARY: I still can't believe my
baby's gonna be on the TV.
Shh!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Our school was
facing Cara's in the regionals.
I would finally be on TV, but
I'd have to crush my crush!
I dunno, I still feel a
little weird about this.
You sure it's okay?
It's just a game, silly.
We can't let it get between us.
Promise?
It's just a bit of fun.
"Just a bit of fun"? Deal.
Besides, we don't have a chance.
You're the smartest boy I know.
MR. TILLEY: [TV] On December 7th, 43 BC,
a great Roman orator was assassinated
for having offended Marc
Anthony in his speeches.
- [MOUTHS ANSWER]
- Cicero!
MR. TILLEY: [TV] No answer?
Okay, we're looking for Cicero.
CARA: See? You're the smartest.
CARA'S MOM: Cara? Supper!
Gotta go.
Talk to you tomorrow?
Parting is such sweet, sweet,
sorrow that I shall say
[LINE GOES DEAD]
POP: Finally!
Just keep off the phone, will ya?
It's Sweeps Week!
What's Sweeps Week?
It's when they count the ratings.
One good week could
put VOCM in the top spot!
Oh, they have contests, cash prizes.
If they call you and you
say, "I live in VOCM country,"
you can win 59 dollars.
Yeah, but you can't
win, Pop. We're related.
Barely.
[CAR HORN BEEPS OUTSIDE]
Dick's here. I'm off to work.
Sweet Jesus, you reeks!
I can practically see the cologne.
Drakkar Noir, nice.
I'm doing a remote live from
the Strand Lounge tonight.
MARY: Sure, you were working all day!
Mike, you got the boy run ragged.
Sweeps Week is war.
[CAR HORN HONKS]
A bar?
He's still a baby!
Oh!
[PHONE RINGS]
I'll get it!
I live in VOCM country.
Pop, will you put that down?
You'll get us all arrested!
For you, Mark!
Just be quick.
Here!
Oh! Uh
- Hello?
- Hey! Questions were dead easy, right?
We could have kicked that school's ass!
MIKE SR.: You can't
win! You're my father!
MARY: Will you keep it down?
Your son's on the phone!
Yeah, I guess.
I called earlier, but it was busy.
POP: How do I know?
Your mother dated lots of men before me.
You're embarrassing Mark!
Look, it's a bad time.
I'll talk to you at school tomorrow?
Oh, okay, yeah.
[HANGS UP PHONE]
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
Love is not a trivial pursuit.
♪
♪
Alright, kids!
What is Canada's national sport?
- [BEEP]
- Hockey!
Incorrect!
- [BEEP]
- Lacrosse! Trick question.
Fox, I'm team captain.
Never buzz in unless I give you the nod.
Can't believe I said yes to this.
Alright, kids. This is serious!
The whole province will be watching.
So, whatever you do,
don't think about that
Or you'll freak out.
- [BEEP]
- No, I won't.
- Yes, you will.
- [BEEP]
No, I won't, 'cause I don't care.
That's not a toy! You'll break it.
[PROLONGED BEEP]
Then whoever made it sucks.
I did!
Mark, control your players.
- [BEEP]
- I'd like to see him try.
She has a point.
Name the fictional
detective created by Arthur
- [BEEP]
- Uh, Sherlock Holmes!
FOX: [LAUGHS] Awesome!
A TV studio is full of distractions.
It's just a bit of fun.
You need laser-sharp focus!
There'll be lights, and cameras, and
Your girlfriend?
Gross!
I meant Cara!
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
What kind of friend mentions
the girl you like in front
of the other girl you like?
- [LOUDSPEAKER BEEPS]
- SISTER ROSE: Attention!
All students to the gymnatorium.
All students to the gymnatorium!
That's never good.
♪
Mike, get up! It's almost eleven.
Oh, you little frigger.
Oh, my
I guess he doesn't need
you anymore either, does he?
[SIGHS]
DICK: Stick around!
Mike Critch is next with the news!
Quarter to, quarter
past, and on the hour.
Jeez, how much news do ya need?
On VOCM!
♪
Thank God you're here, Mike, b'y!
I thought I was gonna puke.
Young fella's dead to the world.
Got dragged off last night.
Women loves a man in uniform, huh?
Or so I hears.
Here's the money for the
"Mad Dash for the Cash."
Now, the last thing
we needs is a winner.
We only got 590 dollars in prize
money to last the whole week.
That's 490 "ones," and one "hundred."
So for the love of God,
hide the hundred at
the bottom of the stack.
I can't do math, Mike b'y.
I'm still loaded!
Okay
GERTIE: Mike, your father called.
You need to call home.
[PHONE RINGS]
I live in VOCM country, hello.
Pop, you can't win the contest.
I already did.
You called me from the radio station,
and I answered correctly,
so you owe me 59 dollars.
We're not on the air!
That's not mentioned
in the rules and regs.
I could sue.
[SLAMS PHONE DOWN]
MIKE SR.: Disgraceful.
SISTER ROSE: We must pray
that our team will be victorious
against the protestant
heretics, children.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): We were
treated like Apollo astronauts.
But would we walk on the
Moon, or have a failure to launch?
SISTER ROSE: It is written,
"their protestant God will fail them.
Many of them will stumble;
they will fall and be
broken." Isaiah 8:15.
Reach for the top, children!
Reach for heaven!
We're making memories, kids.
Win or lose, it doesn't matter.
Let's hope for a win, though.
In the name of the Father,
the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
Dear God, lots going on in the world,
but if you could just focus for a bit
on a child's game of trivia,
that would be very cool.
Amen.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): This was
no longer "just a bit of fun."
Better listening, VOCM,
Mike Critch speaking.
WOMAN ON PHONE:
Mike, it's Linda. You sick?
Uh, no, I'm fine, thank
you. And yourself?
I wants to throw up.
Listen to me! That's
not very sexy, is it?
Excuse me?
I just woke up. I never
even knew you left.
My whole room smells like Drakkar Noir.
I'm gonna chew the face
right off ya when I sees ya.
I think you have the wrong number.
Why are you being weird?
One and done, are ya?
Well, try and burn me off
and I'll rip the head off ya!
[SLAMS DOWN PHONE]
[YAWNS]
[DOOR SHUTS]
Home early.
Yeah.
I don't feel so good.
Mm-hm.
Never slept at all by
the looks of your bed.
So
Where were you at last night?
Well, bar closed at 2,
and we had to be at
the station for 5, so
I just ended up crashing at Dick's.
Listen, Bucko.
You live here, you
sleep here. You hear me?
Mom, come on, it's my job.
As long as you live in my house,
you will abide by my rules.
Maybe I shouldn't live
in your house, then.
♪
[DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS]
And now it's time to play
"What's in the teapot?"
Lucky caller number
five, you're on the air.
POP: [PHONE] Hello!
I live in VOCM country.
DICK: Now, the riddle
is, "poor people have it.
Rich people need it.
If you eat it, you will die."
What is it?
[QUIETLY] Nothing.
POP: Well, um, uh
Nothing.
That's right! The answer is "nothing"!
You win 50 dollars!
Heh. Good for you, Pop.
POP: Fifty dollars?
Pop?
What's your name, caller?
POP: Uh, well, my
name is Patrick Crit
We seem to have lost you, caller!
I swear to God, Dick, if my father
wins a prize on this station,
I'm gonna have your hide.
And my son better
not "get lucky" either!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): A real TV studio!
The whole province
would see me win my prize:
Cara's heart.
RITCHE: I don't think
we're ready for this.
Cara told me I'm the
smartest guy she knows.
It's in the bag.
Hey, kids. Welcome to reach for the top.
You're [CLEARS THROAT] You're, uh
- You're, uh
- Call me Bill.
Uh
And you are ?
- He's Mr. Chafe, our coach.
- Ah.
I knew that.
Mark Critch. Team captain. Huge fan.
Oh, fantastic.
Ah, here we go. Have
you met the other team yet?
We already know each other.
Hello.
My name's Cara. I'm the team captain.
Let's keep this professional.
Hope you like losing.
Fox! It's just a bit of fun.
[INTENSE MUSIC]
Okay, so which team wants the top?
- MARK: Oh, it doesn't matter.
- CARA: We want the bottom.
♪
Chad, this is Mark.
Chad's the smartest boy I know.
Hi.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Wait, what?
MR. TILLEY: Okay, kids!
Let's take a photograph,
okay? Right over here.
That was cold!
It's just a bit of fun
He's hot.
Wha
Right up there.
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
My mind was as blank as a
Uh, wait, I know this one. A
MIKE JR.: [RADIO] Stop
by the Strand Lounge
for the wildest night in town!
It sounds like Sodom
and Gomorrah down there.
MIKE JR.: Spin the wheel of misfortune
and you could win a
free small fish and chips!
Wow, practically Vegas.
MIKE JR.: Above the
knee, drink for free!
- Oh!
- No cover for the ladies!
There are things a
mother shouldn't know.
MIKE JR.: Enter the
Mad Dash for the Cash
and you could win 590 dollars.
Oh! Uh, you know what?
Maybe we should go down there ourselves.
See what the lad's up to.
You think?
Well, do you want him to
end up like Dick Dunphy?
Oh, no!
Yeah, get your keys.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Even the
top of her head was pretty.
Hey Cara?
You don't look so good.
STAGE HAND: Okay, five,
four, three, two, one
MR. TILLEY: Well, good evening
and welcome to Reach for the Top.
This evening, we welcome
these two schools
The students of Cashin Academy.
[APPLAUSE]
And the students of St. Bridget's.
[APPLAUSE]
Players, are you ready?
Well, let's begin.
Who was the first person to
fly solo across the Atlantic?
- [BEEP]
- Lindbergh.
That is correct.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Beginner's luck!
How many months have
the letter "R" in them?
- [BEEP]
- Eight.
That is correct.
What is the capital of the Philippines?
- Uh
- [BEEP]
Saigon?
Dude, what?
Incorrect. Cashin?
- [BEEP]
- Manilla.
MR. TILLEY: That is correct.
Which NHL team won the Stanley Cup in
- [BEEP]
- Uh, the Edmonton Oilers.
No, that is incorrect. The
question for Cashin now.
Which NHL team won the
Stanley cup in the 1983 finals?
- [BEEP]
- The New York Islanders.
That is correct.
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
I'd seen a lot of TV deaths,
but my own was the bloodiest.
MR. TILLEY: On what day did the
storming of the Bastille occur?
[SIREN WAILING]
A Protestant class destroyer
is off our bow, Captain.
[LASER SHOTS]
Captain, shields are down.
Fire back!
Not yet.
We can reason with her.
Your human emotion of
love is most illogical, Captain.
They're hailing us.
Put it on the screen.
♪
Surrender or die.
This is your final warning.
♪
♪
I still believe there
is some good in you.
Catholics, Protestants
We both have hearts.
We both have
Emotions.
We both have
Love.
Search
Your heart.
Fire.
[EXPLOSION]
- [BEEP]
- Alaska?
MR. TILLEY: Correct. St.
Bridget's is on the board!
- Yes!
- And with St. Bridget's with ten points,
we'll be back after this.
[APPLAUSE]
What the frig? Are you
taking a dive for her?
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I wish I was.
No, I wasn't taking a dive.
I was drowning.
DICK: [INTO MIC] Welcome
to the Strand Lounge!
I'm Dick Dunphy from
VOCM Magic Mornings!
How you doing, St. John's?
Give it up for Mike Campbell!
Alright, alright! Who wants to spin?
Excuse me, miss!
I am joined tonight by
one of our nursing students!
- Yeah!
- [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
You're better looking
than you are on the radio.
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]
Are you ready to spin
the wheel of misfortune?
Wooooo!
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
MIKE JR.: Oh! And you have landed on
The potty chug!
Whoa !
BOUNCER: Uh, I don't need to see ID.
Chug, chug, chug
CROWD: [CHANTING] Chug,
chug, chug, chug, chug, chug
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug
[MIKE FALLS SILENT AS
CROWD CONTINUES CHANTING]
[PEOPLE WHISTLING AND CHEERING]
We need to talk.
Back off, missus.
I seen him first.
- POP: Hm!
- MARY: Oh ?
ADULT MARK (V.O.): The
whole province was watching,
but I only had eyes for one girl.
Snap out of it!
I thought you didn't care about this!
I don't.
But I'm not about to
get beaten up on TV.
Look, I thought I could
do this all on my own, but
I can't.
Ritche, you know music.
Tina, you got science.
Fox, you know sport.
And what do you know?
- When to shut up.
- Good.
You touch that buzzer
again, and I swear to God,
- I will break your friggin' fingers.
- STAGE HAND: Two, one!
[PEPPY GAMESHOW MUSIC]
And we're back with the final round.
It's a Canadian
question this time, folks.
How many provinces
have a smaller population
than the city of Toronto?
- [BEEP]
- Seven?
No, that's incorrect. St. Bridget's?
- [BEEP]
- Eight?
That is correct.
Yes!
MR. TILLEY: Music now.
Listen to the classical piece
and name the composer.
[1812 OVERTURE PLAYING]
- [BEEP]
- Tchaikovsky?
That is correct. It
was the 1812 overture.
Yes!
Bite me, you prods!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): The
only thing better than winning
is watching your friends win.
DICK: Alright, show time!
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
Time for the Mad Dash for the Cash!
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
We've got 590 bucks in the box!
One lucky customer will have 30 seconds
to collect as much cash as they can!
Who wants to play?
[PEOPLE YELLING]
- DICK: This fella doesn't
- POP: Coming through!
POP: Out of my way! Move it or lose it!
[CROWD YELLING]
Mom, you can't be here.
I will go where I bloody well like,
and I will find out what you're up to
supposing I have to
come here every night.
Please. You're embarrassing me.
Oh!
Well, then.
♪
♪
No, okay? You can't! Mike'll kill me!
Out of my way! It's just a wind machine!
Start the clock!
WOMAN: Start the
clock, start the clock
POP: Yeah whoa!
- [CROWD CHEERING]
- Yeah, look at him go, there!
He asked for it, didn't he, now?
He asked for it!
Oh!
- [POP LAUGHING]
- [CROWD CHEERING]
DICK: Look at him go there!
Yeah, what have you got there?
I know the difference
between right and wrong.
You taught me that.
I will always need my mom.
Just
Maybe not at the bar?
I'm not a baby anymore.
But you are to me.
You always will be.
This is who you
burned me off for, is it?
MIKE JR.: Oh
No, uh, actually, this is my mom
[MARY GASPS]
[LAUGHS] Wait, wait
You think we're dating?
What is she, a fourth year?
[GASPS] Oh
Sit down, my love, hm?
What's your name?
- Linda.
- I'm Mary.
- Hi, nice to meet ya.
- I love your hair!
DICK: Alright, now!
Five, four, three, two, one!
That's time!
[APPLAUSE]
- You alright, Pat?
- Oh
Yeah, but I only got one bloody bill.
Mike had me put flour on 'em, eh?
What?
Aw, jeez, the hundred!
You knows you can't
keep it, though, now, Pat.
The rules.
Ah, I know.
But I still won, though, didn't I?
He won 100 dollars!
[CROWD CHEERING]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Winning
can feel pretty great.
POP: You look like a
gutted cod gasping for air.
Pop, shh!
MR. TILLEY: [TV] What was the last state
to join the US Uion?
- Hawaii?
- That is correct!
I look like I'm gonna throw up.
I look awesome.
Yeah, you do.
MR. TILLEY: Oh, and that's time!
Our provincial champions
tonight, Cashin Academy!
They'll be carrying on to
the nationals in Ottawa!
Goodnight, everyone.
[BUSY SIGNAL]
You were amazing.
We taped it.
Do you wanna come over
and watch it again after school?
Yeah! I'd love that.
Okay. You hang up.
- No, you.
- No, you .
No, y
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Love
is a game best played
with two players.
And when you find the right player,
nobody loses.
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪