Spin City s03e02 Episode Script
There's Something About Heidi
All right, next item.
Regarding our plan to release falcons to control the pigeon population, good news is, the number of pigeons has decreased.
OTHERS: Hey! Bad news is, so has the number of Yorkshire terriers.
Yesterday, a little dog named waffles was attacked in the park.
Actually, waffles managed to break free.
Unfortunately, he was Oh, so I guess the fall killed him, huh? No.
Another falcon Got him midair.
Ate him.
How're you doing, James? You with us? I I can't believe this.
That's you and Heidi Klum.
She's the sports illustrated swimsuit cover model.
I know.
I've had my picture in the paper many times.
Last week I was in there with that union guy.
Mike, he weighed, like, 350 pounds.
Yeah.
He, too, had phenomenal breasts.
Mike, you're a boy toy.
I'm so proud.
What exactly is a boy toy? Nikki's got one in her purse.
Stuart, I told you not to look in I mean, no, I don't.
People, it was a publicity photo.
I met Heidi for 5 minutes.
It was hello, good-bye.
- Heidi Klum is here to see you.
- And hello again.
Hi.
Hi.
Am I interrupting something? No, I'm just finishing a meeting.
I'll just be one minute.
Hi, there.
Please.
Whew so To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit? This is hard to say.
Do you know any German? Willkommen.
Oh, great.
(SPEAKING GERMAN) Willkommen.
That's the I I just know "willkommen.
" Oh.
Oh, and And and also the, uh, German word for "constipation," which I believe is "farfrompoopin.
" O.
K This is awkward.
(CLEARS THROAT) I think You're very, very cute.
Wha (CLATTERING) It's Uh It's not awkward.
I just figured since the daily news says we were seen eating dinner, we might as well do it.
Y y You know, the post, uh, says we're sleeping together.
I don't read the post.
You really should.
Bye, everybody.
Thanks again, miss Klum.
That was a little pathetic.
What? I happen to be a big fan.
I got an autograph.
Big deal.
Check it out (FALSETTO) Baby! Sir? I'd like to present Mrs.
Patricia murell.
Well, what a pleasure.
Mrs.
murell is to be honored tomorrow as the first recipient of our welfare-to-work award.
On behalf of all of us, Mrs.
murell, let me just say, you go, girl.
Mrs.
murell was forced to go on welfare, what with no job and 11 mouths to feed.
(CHUCKLING) She tried attending school, but she had to drop out because she couldn't afford the child care.
(CHUCKLING) (CLEARS THROAT) Sir? Is that your pen? Yeah.
Are you laughing? I'm sorry, Mike.
When I was young, my father said that crying was a sign of weakness, so I've trained myself to laugh whenever anything truly upsets me.
I remember when my grandfather was sick, sitting by his hospital bed watching him die Laughing and laughing.
It was awful.
Sir as clear as the logic of this behavior is to me, I'm afraid Mrs.
murell might find it a tad Incredibly offensive! Oh.
I'm all right.
Let's go back.
(CLEARS THROAT) I'm sorry, Mrs.
murell.
And and then what happened? That's when they repossessed our furniture.
She's killing me! (CACKLING) So I had this dream last night.
I'm playing catch with Mike, and every time he throws me the football, I drop it.
It's just a sex dream about Mike.
(CLEARS THROAT) I've been there.
Think about it.
Playing catch is a metaphor for your relationship.
Your dropping the ball means you're afraid to go for it.
You have a crush.
I do not! Nikki, I'm gonna say something, and I want you to feel what your face does.
Heidi Klum! No, you're so wrong.
You're telling me there's nothing sexual about this dream? Mm-mmm.
Nothing at all.
Hello, guys.
How you doing? All alone tonight? That's tough.
Me, I'm here with a Here with a model.
Actually, that's not exactly true.
She's a She's a supermodel.
Don't know if I'm into her yet.
- Mike? - Coming.
(PHONE RINGING) Hello.
Yes, governor.
It's the governor.
Yeah.
Yes, I know the situation is black, sir, but we're tightly covered, so I don't think it matters if they try to cut us low on the bid.
She's wearing a tight, low-cut black dress.
Ooh.
Ask if he can see her nipples.
What is wrong with you? I'm crazy about this woman, O.
K.
? Give me the phone.
No.
No! No! I love you.
I love you! Get off! I love you! Love you too, governor.
Sir, to help you learn to deal with your problems, we're gonna let some people who've led sad and pathetic lives tell you their personal stories.
Yogi, boo boo, you're on.
You go first.
As most of you know, I I was born with 11 toes.
(ALL LAUGHING) Which one has the six? Actually, it was the 7-4 combo.
So, I was doing this photo shoot in St.
barts, and this dolphin swam up to me, and with his snout, he pulled off my bikini top.
Proving that dolphins are, in fact, the most intelligent mammal.
They're also very, um What's the word? Horny? Playful.
But what is this word, "horny"? It means, uh, playful.
No, forget it.
I'm done.
James No.
No way.
Everybody just keeps laughing.
Come on! It's funny.
You swallowing your entire body weight in pesticides.
It's not funny, O.
K.
? For 3 weeks my mom made me urinate in the garden to kill the boll weevils.
(STUART AND STACEY CACKLING) Oh, you know what? Oh, uh, Heidi Klum needs a few more minutes.
Mike? I go by "Heidi" with people I know.
Yeah, I know, it's just that Heidi Klum Heidi Klum Heidi Klum you know, it's just fun to say.
It's one of those fun names.
It's like, uh Like chaka kahn.
Um yo-yo ma? Mookie blaylock.
Zbigniew brzezinski? Carter's national security advisor.
He did so much more than kissinger.
I'm fascinated by American politics.
You know, I work in American politics.
Oh, really? Is that why you spend so much time with the mayor? That, and he's always got gum.
Why isn't Mike answering? Who knows? Maybe they're finished with dinner.
Maybe they're at a movie.
Maybe they're tossing a football back and forth.
Stuart? I trusted you! I know.
That's what makes it so sweet.
The the worst date I ever had was the first date I ever had.
Uh Lisa adler, paramus mall, food court.
That sounds sweet.
What was so bad? My mom kept combing my hair.
Um mine was helmut hintergarten.
He tried to kiss me with a mouth full of spaetzle.
Spaetzle.
What a rookie move.
I think the first kiss says it all.
You can never recover from a bad first kiss.
(THINKING) Oh, my God, she's obsessed with kissing.
She wants me to kiss her.
That's another funny one helmut hintergarten.
No, she doesn't.
She wants to keep playing this stupid game.
Patty o'furniture.
He's an Irish guy.
Ha ha ha.
You haven't scored with that since second grade! She wants you.
She wants you To give her the greatest first kiss of all time.
Now, do it, you idiot! Oh, my butterfly.
Oh, my Heidi! (CAMERA CLICKS) All right, come on.
Let's hear it.
Come on.
Mike, please, this is embarrassing enough without having your friends rub it in.
Well.
Huh.
Boy, I didn't give you guys enough credit.
I mean, here I am, I'm I'm expecting the worst, and There's a giant picture behind me, isn't there? We did it at kinko's this morning.
(OTHERS CACKLING) It was 2-for-1 Tuesday.
(CACKLING) So, Mike, I take it things didn't go well? I am so, so sorry.
Everything after this shining moment was a complete and total disaster.
Oh, Mike, "disaster" is a pretty strong word.
Look at it this way.
You had the opportunity of your life, and you blew it.
And the upside is? Oh, there's no upside.
I was just summarizing.
Heidi's having a cocktail party this afternoon.
She invited me.
I'm gonna go there.
I'm gonna win her back.
Mike, permission to ask one inappropriate question? What does Heidi Klum's butt taste like? Tastes like chicken.
Now, I do not want to hear another word about this picture, O.
K.
? This used to be my ass, Flaherty.
All right.
(CLEARS THROAT) There she is.
How do I look? Huh? Come on, Nikki.
How do I look? Hello.
You look really, really hot.
No kidding.
I'm sweating like a yak.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom, freshen up.
What's the rush, pal? Whoa! Whoa! Oh, my God! He was not that big a man! Ugh! Now, wait.
All right.
Plan "b".
Fresh air.
(GRUNTING) Whew.
Aw, fresh air is afraid to come in here.
O.
K.
What have we got? What have we got? Lemony fresh, lemony fresh.
Oh, I got it in my eye! Ah! Ah.
(BREATHING HEAVILY) Dude.
A few years ago, when I was just about to give up, this great city and this great man helped me through it.
Thank you.
It's so hard to listen to a story like Patricia's, but we must, because this woman Has so much to teach us.
Patricia, your spirit is an inspiration.
Thank you From all of us.
Mr.
mayor, you were amazing.
Sir, you're crying.
Was it the pain in her eyes? Was it the tragedy of her story? Binder clips.
(KNOCKING) HEIDI: Hello? Who's in there? God Please, if you get me out of this, I'll be a good man.
I'll be a decent man.
I won't lie, I won't cheat, I won't deceive people.
HEIDI: Could you hurry up, please? (FALSETTO VOICE) Just a minute! O.
K.
I'm comin' in.
Oh.
We meet again.
All right.
Feeling lucky, feeling lucky.
Looking for a flush.
Daddy needs a supermodel.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Yes.
Yes, yes, yes! No.
No! No! No! No You're a mature adult.
You can explain this.
Maybe we should break down the door.
Mike, do you wanna talk? No.
I need someone to get the ball rolling on legislation making it a felony not to own a plunger.
(GIGGLING) - It's not funny.
- I know it's not.
Please don't come out from behind the desk.
Why not? (GIGGLING) Nikki, Nikki, what am I doing with my life? Oh, look Huck If we're gonna continue this, you've gotta sit down.
I keep chasing after all these women.
I I don't even know why.
Maybe you don't know what you want.
I know exactly what I want.
I want someone who can tell me what I want.
Mint? I want one.
You know what I need? I need someone to look after me.
I need someone who knows what buttons to push.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Boy, that's the spot, right there.
You know what I really need? I need a best friend.
I need a best friend With a really hot body.
Think that person's out there? I do.
I'm not so sure anymore.
Heads up.
Hey, I caught it.
Of course you did.
(DOOR OPENS) Oh, I'm sorry.
Agh! (THUD) I'll come back another time.
No, no.
No, no.
No, we're we're just, uh Just talking about city business.
- Hi, Heidi.
- Hi.
So on that statue of liberty issue, I think the, uh, torch should just stay in the right hand.
(GLASS SHATTERING) You left the party so quickly.
I was worried.
Y you were worried about me? Mm-hmm.
That's, uh That's great.
Um Listen, Heidi, I'm sorry.
I have been a complete idiot, and the next time you don't have plans, I'd love to make it up to you.
I don't have any plans tonight.
Well, that's that's great.
Uh, O.
K.
Anywhere you wanna go, anything you wanna do.
I don't care, as long as it's fun.
I'm feeling very horny.
You know, Heidi, I I have to tell you something.
Um, "horny" actually means I know what it means.
Maybe the second kiss is more important, don't you think? Willkommen.
Mike, the press conference was Nikki.
(CHUCKLES) Are you O.
K.
? (SIGHS) Sir, did you ever watch something you really wanted just slip right through your fingers? Something that could've changed your life? I feel so alone right now.
No, Nikki, come back.
I'm here for you.
Come on.
No.
Come on, James.
Not gonna do it.
Come on! What'll it hurt? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Look at all those little piggies.
Oh, my God! MAN: Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.
(BARKING) Moo.
Regarding our plan to release falcons to control the pigeon population, good news is, the number of pigeons has decreased.
OTHERS: Hey! Bad news is, so has the number of Yorkshire terriers.
Yesterday, a little dog named waffles was attacked in the park.
Actually, waffles managed to break free.
Unfortunately, he was Oh, so I guess the fall killed him, huh? No.
Another falcon Got him midair.
Ate him.
How're you doing, James? You with us? I I can't believe this.
That's you and Heidi Klum.
She's the sports illustrated swimsuit cover model.
I know.
I've had my picture in the paper many times.
Last week I was in there with that union guy.
Mike, he weighed, like, 350 pounds.
Yeah.
He, too, had phenomenal breasts.
Mike, you're a boy toy.
I'm so proud.
What exactly is a boy toy? Nikki's got one in her purse.
Stuart, I told you not to look in I mean, no, I don't.
People, it was a publicity photo.
I met Heidi for 5 minutes.
It was hello, good-bye.
- Heidi Klum is here to see you.
- And hello again.
Hi.
Hi.
Am I interrupting something? No, I'm just finishing a meeting.
I'll just be one minute.
Hi, there.
Please.
Whew so To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit? This is hard to say.
Do you know any German? Willkommen.
Oh, great.
(SPEAKING GERMAN) Willkommen.
That's the I I just know "willkommen.
" Oh.
Oh, and And and also the, uh, German word for "constipation," which I believe is "farfrompoopin.
" O.
K This is awkward.
(CLEARS THROAT) I think You're very, very cute.
Wha (CLATTERING) It's Uh It's not awkward.
I just figured since the daily news says we were seen eating dinner, we might as well do it.
Y y You know, the post, uh, says we're sleeping together.
I don't read the post.
You really should.
Bye, everybody.
Thanks again, miss Klum.
That was a little pathetic.
What? I happen to be a big fan.
I got an autograph.
Big deal.
Check it out (FALSETTO) Baby! Sir? I'd like to present Mrs.
Patricia murell.
Well, what a pleasure.
Mrs.
murell is to be honored tomorrow as the first recipient of our welfare-to-work award.
On behalf of all of us, Mrs.
murell, let me just say, you go, girl.
Mrs.
murell was forced to go on welfare, what with no job and 11 mouths to feed.
(CHUCKLING) She tried attending school, but she had to drop out because she couldn't afford the child care.
(CHUCKLING) (CLEARS THROAT) Sir? Is that your pen? Yeah.
Are you laughing? I'm sorry, Mike.
When I was young, my father said that crying was a sign of weakness, so I've trained myself to laugh whenever anything truly upsets me.
I remember when my grandfather was sick, sitting by his hospital bed watching him die Laughing and laughing.
It was awful.
Sir as clear as the logic of this behavior is to me, I'm afraid Mrs.
murell might find it a tad Incredibly offensive! Oh.
I'm all right.
Let's go back.
(CLEARS THROAT) I'm sorry, Mrs.
murell.
And and then what happened? That's when they repossessed our furniture.
She's killing me! (CACKLING) So I had this dream last night.
I'm playing catch with Mike, and every time he throws me the football, I drop it.
It's just a sex dream about Mike.
(CLEARS THROAT) I've been there.
Think about it.
Playing catch is a metaphor for your relationship.
Your dropping the ball means you're afraid to go for it.
You have a crush.
I do not! Nikki, I'm gonna say something, and I want you to feel what your face does.
Heidi Klum! No, you're so wrong.
You're telling me there's nothing sexual about this dream? Mm-mmm.
Nothing at all.
Hello, guys.
How you doing? All alone tonight? That's tough.
Me, I'm here with a Here with a model.
Actually, that's not exactly true.
She's a She's a supermodel.
Don't know if I'm into her yet.
- Mike? - Coming.
(PHONE RINGING) Hello.
Yes, governor.
It's the governor.
Yeah.
Yes, I know the situation is black, sir, but we're tightly covered, so I don't think it matters if they try to cut us low on the bid.
She's wearing a tight, low-cut black dress.
Ooh.
Ask if he can see her nipples.
What is wrong with you? I'm crazy about this woman, O.
K.
? Give me the phone.
No.
No! No! I love you.
I love you! Get off! I love you! Love you too, governor.
Sir, to help you learn to deal with your problems, we're gonna let some people who've led sad and pathetic lives tell you their personal stories.
Yogi, boo boo, you're on.
You go first.
As most of you know, I I was born with 11 toes.
(ALL LAUGHING) Which one has the six? Actually, it was the 7-4 combo.
So, I was doing this photo shoot in St.
barts, and this dolphin swam up to me, and with his snout, he pulled off my bikini top.
Proving that dolphins are, in fact, the most intelligent mammal.
They're also very, um What's the word? Horny? Playful.
But what is this word, "horny"? It means, uh, playful.
No, forget it.
I'm done.
James No.
No way.
Everybody just keeps laughing.
Come on! It's funny.
You swallowing your entire body weight in pesticides.
It's not funny, O.
K.
? For 3 weeks my mom made me urinate in the garden to kill the boll weevils.
(STUART AND STACEY CACKLING) Oh, you know what? Oh, uh, Heidi Klum needs a few more minutes.
Mike? I go by "Heidi" with people I know.
Yeah, I know, it's just that Heidi Klum Heidi Klum Heidi Klum you know, it's just fun to say.
It's one of those fun names.
It's like, uh Like chaka kahn.
Um yo-yo ma? Mookie blaylock.
Zbigniew brzezinski? Carter's national security advisor.
He did so much more than kissinger.
I'm fascinated by American politics.
You know, I work in American politics.
Oh, really? Is that why you spend so much time with the mayor? That, and he's always got gum.
Why isn't Mike answering? Who knows? Maybe they're finished with dinner.
Maybe they're at a movie.
Maybe they're tossing a football back and forth.
Stuart? I trusted you! I know.
That's what makes it so sweet.
The the worst date I ever had was the first date I ever had.
Uh Lisa adler, paramus mall, food court.
That sounds sweet.
What was so bad? My mom kept combing my hair.
Um mine was helmut hintergarten.
He tried to kiss me with a mouth full of spaetzle.
Spaetzle.
What a rookie move.
I think the first kiss says it all.
You can never recover from a bad first kiss.
(THINKING) Oh, my God, she's obsessed with kissing.
She wants me to kiss her.
That's another funny one helmut hintergarten.
No, she doesn't.
She wants to keep playing this stupid game.
Patty o'furniture.
He's an Irish guy.
Ha ha ha.
You haven't scored with that since second grade! She wants you.
She wants you To give her the greatest first kiss of all time.
Now, do it, you idiot! Oh, my butterfly.
Oh, my Heidi! (CAMERA CLICKS) All right, come on.
Let's hear it.
Come on.
Mike, please, this is embarrassing enough without having your friends rub it in.
Well.
Huh.
Boy, I didn't give you guys enough credit.
I mean, here I am, I'm I'm expecting the worst, and There's a giant picture behind me, isn't there? We did it at kinko's this morning.
(OTHERS CACKLING) It was 2-for-1 Tuesday.
(CACKLING) So, Mike, I take it things didn't go well? I am so, so sorry.
Everything after this shining moment was a complete and total disaster.
Oh, Mike, "disaster" is a pretty strong word.
Look at it this way.
You had the opportunity of your life, and you blew it.
And the upside is? Oh, there's no upside.
I was just summarizing.
Heidi's having a cocktail party this afternoon.
She invited me.
I'm gonna go there.
I'm gonna win her back.
Mike, permission to ask one inappropriate question? What does Heidi Klum's butt taste like? Tastes like chicken.
Now, I do not want to hear another word about this picture, O.
K.
? This used to be my ass, Flaherty.
All right.
(CLEARS THROAT) There she is.
How do I look? Huh? Come on, Nikki.
How do I look? Hello.
You look really, really hot.
No kidding.
I'm sweating like a yak.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom, freshen up.
What's the rush, pal? Whoa! Whoa! Oh, my God! He was not that big a man! Ugh! Now, wait.
All right.
Plan "b".
Fresh air.
(GRUNTING) Whew.
Aw, fresh air is afraid to come in here.
O.
K.
What have we got? What have we got? Lemony fresh, lemony fresh.
Oh, I got it in my eye! Ah! Ah.
(BREATHING HEAVILY) Dude.
A few years ago, when I was just about to give up, this great city and this great man helped me through it.
Thank you.
It's so hard to listen to a story like Patricia's, but we must, because this woman Has so much to teach us.
Patricia, your spirit is an inspiration.
Thank you From all of us.
Mr.
mayor, you were amazing.
Sir, you're crying.
Was it the pain in her eyes? Was it the tragedy of her story? Binder clips.
(KNOCKING) HEIDI: Hello? Who's in there? God Please, if you get me out of this, I'll be a good man.
I'll be a decent man.
I won't lie, I won't cheat, I won't deceive people.
HEIDI: Could you hurry up, please? (FALSETTO VOICE) Just a minute! O.
K.
I'm comin' in.
Oh.
We meet again.
All right.
Feeling lucky, feeling lucky.
Looking for a flush.
Daddy needs a supermodel.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Yes.
Yes, yes, yes! No.
No! No! No! No You're a mature adult.
You can explain this.
Maybe we should break down the door.
Mike, do you wanna talk? No.
I need someone to get the ball rolling on legislation making it a felony not to own a plunger.
(GIGGLING) - It's not funny.
- I know it's not.
Please don't come out from behind the desk.
Why not? (GIGGLING) Nikki, Nikki, what am I doing with my life? Oh, look Huck If we're gonna continue this, you've gotta sit down.
I keep chasing after all these women.
I I don't even know why.
Maybe you don't know what you want.
I know exactly what I want.
I want someone who can tell me what I want.
Mint? I want one.
You know what I need? I need someone to look after me.
I need someone who knows what buttons to push.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Boy, that's the spot, right there.
You know what I really need? I need a best friend.
I need a best friend With a really hot body.
Think that person's out there? I do.
I'm not so sure anymore.
Heads up.
Hey, I caught it.
Of course you did.
(DOOR OPENS) Oh, I'm sorry.
Agh! (THUD) I'll come back another time.
No, no.
No, no.
No, we're we're just, uh Just talking about city business.
- Hi, Heidi.
- Hi.
So on that statue of liberty issue, I think the, uh, torch should just stay in the right hand.
(GLASS SHATTERING) You left the party so quickly.
I was worried.
Y you were worried about me? Mm-hmm.
That's, uh That's great.
Um Listen, Heidi, I'm sorry.
I have been a complete idiot, and the next time you don't have plans, I'd love to make it up to you.
I don't have any plans tonight.
Well, that's that's great.
Uh, O.
K.
Anywhere you wanna go, anything you wanna do.
I don't care, as long as it's fun.
I'm feeling very horny.
You know, Heidi, I I have to tell you something.
Um, "horny" actually means I know what it means.
Maybe the second kiss is more important, don't you think? Willkommen.
Mike, the press conference was Nikki.
(CHUCKLES) Are you O.
K.
? (SIGHS) Sir, did you ever watch something you really wanted just slip right through your fingers? Something that could've changed your life? I feel so alone right now.
No, Nikki, come back.
I'm here for you.
Come on.
No.
Come on, James.
Not gonna do it.
Come on! What'll it hurt? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Look at all those little piggies.
Oh, my God! MAN: Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.
(BARKING) Moo.