Stan Against Evil (2016) s03e02 Episode Script

1 [All chanting.]
[Soft music plays on radio.]
- [Telephone rings.]
- Judy: [Humming.]
[Telephone rings.]
'Ellow? [Scoffs.]
What do you mean, where am I? You called me on my home phone.
Yeah, I'm at home carving butter into a chicken.
No.
We're not meeting for another 40 minutes.
Okay, where in our sacred text does it mention daylight savings time, Lara? It's a pointless western construct.
Okay, fine.
I'll be there.
Okay, I'm here, technically early based on guy's natural [Gasps.]
What? [Screams.]
[Exhales sharply.]
Three bodies burnt to a crisp nothing else is.
Not the chairs.
Not the table.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? What? If you could teach a gorilla to use a snake as a bull whip Not thinking that.
I am not thinking that.
Fleming: Excuse us.
Who's supposed to be in that fourth chair? [Eerie music plays.]
Uh, I'm sorry.
This is a closed crime scene.
Special Agent Fleming.
This is my partner, Special Agent Nesbit.
We're with the Bureau.
FBI? The New Hampshire State Bureau of Paranormal Phenomena.
The NHSBPP? - You've heard of us? - No.
But that's what it would be called.
Evie: Uh, I-I'm sorry.
How did you find out about this? Willard's Mill has been on our radar for a while.
You're aware that in 1692, 172 people were burned at the stake for witchcraft by a constable named Thaddeus Eccles? Oh, we're aware.
[Laughs.]
Fleming: And now, three people, clearly in the middle of a ritualistic ceremony, are all turned into charcoal.
Clearly, there's a scientific explanation.
We just haven't found it yet.
She's the skeptical one.
That's sort of our dynamic.
It's funny, I'm also skeptical.
Evie: Uh, why have I never heard of you? Fleming: Well, have you ever heard of the horseshoe bat? - What? - The horseshoe bat.
- It's indigenous to Europe.
- No.
It's very rare.
It's known for its nose, which is in the shape of a horseshoe.
So? So it's possible for things to exist despite the fact that you've never heard of them.
- Touché.
- Nice to meet you, Touché.
- No, I was - I know.
- Okay.
- Nesbit: First thing's first.
Were there any witnesses? Well, there's these three Why don't you go put on that other glove? I'll be in the patrol car.
It takes a while because he takes off that glove to put on the other glove.
And then he takes off that glove to put on the other glove.
And then, he takes off that glove to put on the other glove, and then he [Telephone rings.]
Yeah? Evie: Yeah, hey, Stan.
It's me.
- That it? - No! Have you ever heard of the, uh the New Hampshire State Bureau of Paranormal Phenomena? The NHSBPP? - Yeah! - No.
But that's what they'd be called.
I'll talk to you later.
Could yo [Receiver clicks.]
If you want to defeat evil, find a bigger evil.
And let a little in.
That's what the man said.
So you're a member of this? - Black Hat Society.
- Shh! As of today, I am the last member of the Black Hat Society.
What if he's still out there? Who? Constable Eccles! It had to have been him.
And if he knows the truth about me, and that I survived What's the truth about you, Judy? [Sighs.]
I'm a direct descendant of Eudora Bishop, the founder of the Black Hat Society.
Constable Eccles must've known that we were getting close.
- Close to what? - To Haurus! J We're drawing too much attention.
You need to leave.
I just want to carve my butter into a chicken like anybody else.
So go.
- Oh, it's actually I-I think - Uh - Did I not pass the sink when I came in? - No, no, no.
It's - I'm pretty sure we came in this way.
- Judy: Oh, my God! Have you never been in a house?! This way.
This way.
[Chuckles scornfully.]
[Door closes, lock engages.]
Okay, so who's Haurus? I know where we can find out.
So are you, uh? Eh! Yeah No.
No.
No.
Stan, this is Special Agent Fleming and Special Agent Nesbit.
New Hampshire State Bureau of Paranormal Phenomena.
Evie: We have a lead on something, but we need more information.
So we need access to Claire's room.
Gosh, I'd love to help you, but today's a very, very bad day.
What happened? Well, things were goin' along pretty swimmingly, actually.
And there was a knock on the door.
And when I opened it, it was a whole pack of jackasses.
We could come back with a warrant [Laughs.]
A warrant! [Laughs.]
[Laughing.]
That's so That's funny.
That's hilarious.
Humor is so important in America.
We're coming in.
Saw a hummingbird by your mailbox.
Oh, shoot me.
Now, uh, if you guys are staties, how come I ain't never heard of you? We're a top-secret organization, Mr.
Miller.
The people who do know about us are under orders to deny our existence.
No, I ain't buyin' it.
Or that shade of red.
Mr.
Miller, I'm gonna have to ask you to believe me.
Well, I don't wanna believe.
Stan, what's goin' on in here? This is none of my business, but it looks like you're researching the exact same thing we are a powerful demon subject to a conjuring spell.
You're right.
It is none of your business.
Go sew a sweater.
Go on.
[Cellphone rings.]
[Clears throat.]
Nesbit.
Yes, sir.
That was Assistant Director Dietz.
He wants to know why we're not in Stratford County investigating those crop squares.
Crop squares? Yeah, they're doing squares now.
You didn't hear that from me.
Denise: It worked! It worked, Dad! You can make Jell-O out of wine! [Laughs.]
[Gasps.]
Hello Leon: Special Agents Fleming, Nesbit, this is Denise.
[Gulps.]
You're like, a strong, powerful female authority figure.
You don't see that every day.
Uh, hello? I said "hello" when I walked in the room.
I really love your suit and your sensible heels.
Wanna see my room? Uh Yes.
No.
Wait a minute.
What about this? "And there be no greater evil than the mighty Haurus.
" H-A-U-R-U-S.
"Commander of Hell's Legions.
" Fleming: Nice work, Sheriff.
Mind if I take this? And look at it here and then leave without it? [Whistles.]
You're on the clock there, Biff.
Ticktock.
Ticktock.
- Ticktock.
Ticktock.
- This is going very well.
Tick, tick, ticktock.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Nesbit: Like most government agents, I'm also a doctor.
This is the head.
[Metal clanking.]
How is it that you guys are able to just walk into a building and perform an autopsy? [Whispering.]
The trick is to bring your own rubber gloves.
These bodies all burned hotter at their core.
The bone joints are practically fused.
Meaning? Meaning, they were cooked from the inside out.
Whatever they were doing, someone wanted it stopped quick.
There's also a logical explanation spontaneous combustion.
It's rare, but not without precedent.
On three people? All at once? Come on.
Oh.
What? What is it? Well, it's just something Judy said.
"If he knew the truth about me, if he knew I survived.
" I mean, if she's that afraid, why stay there? Why not run? If she plans on continuing with the ceremony and summoning that demon, she could expose herself to more danger.
Even though I'm sure there's some sort of scientific explanation kind of, you know, thing, science.
Judy's got a secret.
[Chuckles.]
Every Judy does In my experience.
[Chuckles.]
You guys ever been on a stakeout? - Psh.
- Psh.
- Have we ever been on a stakeout? - Have we ever been on a stakeout? [Laughs.]
Seriously, have you? [Exhales sharply.]
[Chanting in foreign language.]
[Smooches.]
Hm.
Make eggs for me.
[Sighs.]
Whatever killed the other members of the covenant, looks like your friend Constable Eccles may be looking to finish the job.
Yeah, or Judy feels her only hope is to complete the ceremony and summon Haurus in order to protect her.
- Exactly.
- Or none of the above because demons don't exist.
We literally just had a case when you were attacked by a shape-shifting human-owl hybrid.
What's it gonna take, Nesbit? Did it have a beak? Natch.
[Chanting in foreign language.]
Man: [In distance.]
You ever hear of freedom of the press? It's my job to inform the public.
Stan: Who is that? The guy from the paper.
Ugh, that suit! Ah! Like talkin' to a tree! Nosy reporters.
- You want a pie? I have two.
- No.
But boy, I used to really love those things.
And then one day, I bit into one and I found a Band-Aid.
I was kidding.
I'll have that one.
[Knocks on window.]
Hey.
Why are you spying on us? Who said I was? - I did.
- When? - Just now.
- All right, thanks.
If you wanna know what's going on, come with me.
Here.
Don't eat my pie.
Whoa! I'm Superman.
[Chanting.]
[Inhales sharply.]
[Exhales sharply.]
[Chanting.]
Nesbit: Mr.
Miller, if you don't mind my asking, what were you looking for in that library? Yeah, Stan.
That's not like you.
I can read the books in my own house there, Barret.
Fleming: Don't take this the wrong way.
It's not often we work with people who understand what we do, who will believe us when we tell them not only does Sasquatch exist, but there are about 30 of them created by the government to scare hikers away from military black sites.
- Really?! - Really?! Totes to the max.
Judy: [Breathing heavily, chanting.]
[Exhales sharply.]
[Gasps.]
[Chanting.]
Let me just make sure I'm getting this.
You're telling me that the Moon landing was faked? No, I'm telling you the Moon is fake.
The landing was real.
It was filmed on a soundstage in Vermont.
Well, now, wait a minute.
I'll buy the Moon is fake.
But there's no way there's soundstages in Vermont.
[Cellphone buzzes.]
Nesbit.
Uh, no, I can't go apple picking right now.
Mr.
Miller, how did your daughter get my number? How does she not drown in a rainstorm? I got my own questions there, lady.
Well, looks like Miss Bishop may be in for the night.
Wanna grab a beer? Let me go ahead and put this right out front there, Fenwick Still don't trust you.
Trust no one, Mr.
Miller.
Oh, yeah.
Well, if you want me to not trust you, then now I do.
Damn it.
[Chanting.]
[Refrigerator door creaks.]
[Splats.]
Not my butter chicken.
[Exhales sharply.]
[Door creaks.]
[Door shuts.]
[Growling.]
[Screaming.]
Sweetheart.
I am making a scrapbook for Agent Nesbit so she will always remember her time here in Willard's Mill.
Way to go.
Way to go.
- Geez.
God.
- Denise: [Gasps.]
Denise: [Breathing shallowly.]
Why are they still here? Those agents don't belong in Willard's Mill.
I thought this was your town.
Get rid of them.
I've got an idea.
You stay here.
Denise and I are gonna go in the other room.
Wait for it.
Then we're gonna go outside.
We're gonna lock all the doors.
And then we're gonna burn the house down.
Do ya love it as much as I do? Here, have a beer.
Cool yourself off.
[Crickets chirping.]
We came back in, well, Judy was gone.
Did Denise see anything? Well, she saw a lot of stuff, but you smell a lot of glue scrapbooking.
Where is she now? Downtown getting more glue.
Hey.
Check this out.
I did a little deep dive at the county records office.
Remember Judy said her ancestor's name was Eudora Bishop? Well, before settling in Willard's Mill, Eudora traveled the Himalayas, where she claims she encountered a "Hindu demon named Kumbhakarna.
" When she came back, she claimed this entity appeared to her here.
In western theology, the Kumbhakarna, also known as "Haurus," - was the commander of Hell's Legions.
- You're right.
According to the legend, Kumbhakarna, or Haurus, needs a human host.
Like Merv Griffin? No.
Like, it needs a human body to survive.
- Like Merv Griffin.
- Okay, it could've been Merv.
In this case, I think it's probably Judy.
Since Judy is part of Eudora's bloodline, were she to cast the proper spell, she could summon Haurus back to our plane of existence.
Right.
But that can only happen here it is "At Bishop's Chapel beneath the midnight moon.
" See that is the missing piece that the Black Hat Society didn't have because Judy wasn't there to tell them.
There is not Bishop's Chapel in Willard's Mill.
I know that because of science.
[Claps.]
Bishop Chapel Tires! Big, big factory built on the site of the old chapel.
Of course, it's abandoned now on account of people don't use tires anymore.
Yes, they do.
And now, Biff, that's you're trespassing.
Just let him have it, okay? I think we know where Judy's headed, right? Come on.
Come on.
Oh, no.
[Eerie music plays.]
Evie: [Whispering.]
Stan, wait up.
I got to tell you something Well, if you're wondering about the whole "People don't use tires thing anymore" - No! That's not it - it's based on an article I read - in "Popular Mechanics".
- No, listen! This is important! You know what, forget it.
I'll tell you later.
Any sign of Judy? This place is big, dark, and dangerous.
Let's split up into small, vulnerable groups.
You know, I don't think that's gonna do much to stop this Haurus.
Oh, yeah? Well, it doesn't need to.
Nathaniel Ignatius Fleming! That's right! Nathaniel Ignatius Fleming and Marion Nesbit Fleming accused, tried, and convicted, and burned at the stake for witchcraft in 1692.
Well, well, well, Stan-erooney was right again! I saw it in your eyes.
You know, we can't touch you if you're in the middle of a circle of salt.
That's right! You're now safe from any spell or action we could take Oh.
Oh, no.
But these still work.
Mm.
[Laughs nervously.]
Oh, you actually, um He actually I guess you got me! Stan: So what happens now? You kill us and Constable Eccles gives you a commission? Something like that.
But first, you're gonna help us stop someone do something very foolish.
Judy: Marion.
Nathaniel.
It's time It's time to go.
One minute 'til 11.
You're an hour early, Judy.
It's not Ow! Haurus mustn't be allowed access to this mortal plane.
It's far too powerful of an entity.
[Wind blowing.]
[Rumbling.]
What's happening? You ever You ever hear of a dirty little government conspiracy called "daylight savings"? [Laughs.]
What? It's midnight, guys.
[Deep voice.]
I said it's time! To go! [Roars.]
[Distorted screams.]
[Distorted.]
No! No! [Snarls.]
See ya, Judy.
[Exhales sharply.]
[Sizzling.]
Why didn't it hurt us? He was protecting us.
Stan, whatever that thing is I think it might be more powerful than Constable Eccles.
I know.
[Man whistles.]
Man: In the files of the New Hampshire State Government, you will find no record of a Department of Paranormal Phenomena.
Bishop's Chapel Tires has been marked for demolition.
And Beauty Time Hair Products has since discontinued autumn orange number four.