Stath Lets Flats (2018) s03e02 Episode Script

Dina.
♪
Dina, I'm gonna feed ya
Gonna buy you an egg
Gonna mix that egg with bread
for your mouth
For strength
Provide for your life
Gonna hand you my business
Sorry that your mum's not my wife
Gonna feed you an egg and destroy
anyone who touches your smile
Then I'm gonna raise you right
Then I'm gonna raise you high
And give you an egg in the sky
Got us a new shop for the business
Sorry about the hair inside
And if anyone tries to kill ya
Gonna end their life
Gonna give you an egg tonight. ♪
No, She can't have egg.
Stop giving her egg.
The hair's over there,
the hair's in my lung ♪
Oh, no, hair. Don't you think it's
weird that she moves
and, like, I move as well?
I actually think that maternity
leave should be banned.
Do you think cave mums stopped
going to whack chickens about
cos they'd had a kid?
No, they'd hand the baby
a whacker, wouldn't they,
and they'd say, "Get involved."
I'm gonna stand up, actually.
I can't give you a trim at four,
I'm a lettings agent.
Letting agent.
HE TUTS
Every time she croak at me,
it's like she say, "True family."
I taught her that, yeah.
Oh, my God, selfie. Let me see
if I can slot you in with
a viewing today.
"Slot" - listen to me!
Makes it sound
like you're a big coin
or something, saying slot!
Sorry about that. Apols!
Anyway, I'll see you later.
All right, lovely.
Oh, sorry.
Careful of the paint, Alistair.
Sorry about that. I mean, it's a
gorgeous colour for an office.
Um, sort of a cheese colour.
Aye, it's the youthful detective
and Bapoo happy.
Come on, Al, look, please.
Would do you think
of my daughter, man?
Ah, she's insane.
It's my father.
Quee-quee-quee! Quee-quee!
Quee-quee-quee! Quee-quee-quee!
Ahhh, do you like my personality?
Oh, Alister, come, come, come.
Say "quee" to my daughter Dina, huh?
Um, quee.
Quee, exactly.
I-I better go
cheese those walls.
Oh, and I've also got to, er, put
a bag in the room.
Quee-quee-quee! Quee-quee-quee!
You remember when I said to you,
"Quee quee quee"?
I remember your used to say quee
to me.
Sophie
Oh! Thanks. I'm good, yep,
yep, feeling good.
I wasn't expecting to see
a Hollywood actor in here.
Oh! I feel like I'm in a cinema,
enjoying a film.
Really, is it?
Do you think it's a film
about a girl
whose hands have turned into dogs?
Oh!
Do you know that you've got
a Carole style in your hair?
Oh, do I? Oh!
And now you're always
going to have to say at
the end of everything, um,
"Sorry, my love"!
Ask me a question
and you can try it.
Oh, OK, um
Are you going for lunch
and, if so, can I come with you?
Sorry, ma love!
Ooh! I would like to go, my love.
Oh, great! Oh, wow.
Oh, yeah.
That's amazing.
Oh! Green Nut.
Dad, is this for Dina?
Katia, this is all my stuff from
when I was a little nipper.
This was my favourite toy,
Green Nut. Oh!
I used to pinch it and tell it
rude secrets and everything.
Jealous.
Oh, my girlie getting spoiled.
Green Nut, G-G-G Green Nut
Green Green Nut ♪
Spoiled? Ugh! Hardly.
What, with a big bogey toy? Come on!
Buh, yes, she is getting spoilt.
Have you seen I'm getting her all
the top brands and everything, man?
Designer lifestyle. ♪
What is "Rark"?
You don't know about Rark?
It's like Nike, yeah,
but instead, yeah, it's Rark.
Nah, nah, nah.
Right, I'm off out,
I'm Vivian Viewings.
Oh, snap! I gotta tour
a dirty two-bed.
Sophie, please shave this room by
the time I get back.
Oh, can someone help me
cos, er, there's no bin in here
and there's over 25 hairs at least?
Sophia, I'll get bin.
Don't put it outside.
Our street is getting hairy.
There's a wicked bin across the
road, actually. Um, I'll show you.
Dina, say goodbye
to your family affair
Cos it's just me and you and
Katia
To diggly diggly diggly today! ♪
No, she's coming with me. I need to
get out of this hair nest.
Desperately no.
What, you taking her? This is the
only time I get to see her.
Carole,
let me get to know the woman.
Sit around talking to her about
fighting. You don't do any work.
Don't make me choose between my work
and my daughter. Eeee.
How is it a choice?
Just do your job. What's eeee?
I knew that was gonna come back
to break me in the butt.
I was trying to say please
at the end.
Oh, yeah, erm, I'm glad that
came up, actually.
What? Can you try and sort
of talk properly around her?
All this Greek in the air -
I don't want her growing up sort
of saying things like
wiggly wiggly wobble and all this
rubbish that you come out with, OK?
Are you kidding?
Do you know how hard it took me
to spoke in such a posh way?
Tell her.
Say, say, Caz? I've been meaning
to tell you a question.
Erm, if I do talk properly, would it
be at all possible for me
to have Dina to stay the night at me
and Katia's tonight
for a very sensible sleepover?
Nah, nah, nah, I wouldn't have
thought so. No, no, state of that
room you've made for her.
Big cackling Jesus hoovering above a
car seat on the floor? Nah, nah,
nah.
You throw shade on my interior?
I made Dina a key chandelier.
Right, OK, look, if you stay here in
the office and wait for calls
and act like a normal person,
then I'll think about it.
Yeah, OK, I'll protect the office,
I'll stay there. But can Katia
be with me? Cos I don't quite wanna
be there alone, in there.
No, we're in a barber's here,
do you know what I mean? The odds
are already stacked against us.
I don't wanna add a postwoman
to the odds.
OK. Whatevs.
I love you, Stath. I
SHE HISSES
..Carole.
Bye.
Dina, I'm gonna protect the office.
I love you, love you.
MUSIC: For Lovers
by Pete Doherty
THEY GIGGLE
Shall welunch?
I've heard really good things
about this place.
Yeah, I've been meaning
to try this place for a long time.
I mean, the queen of hot tips
on a throne of suggestions.
You're always giving me some really
compliments, aren't you?
Oh, God, no.
Making my head too large.
I want to say some nice things
to you.
Oh, no, no, no, please,
I already get enough of that from
your brother.
Uh, number one, erm, you're
..really nice.
Ah, come on! Jesus Christ,
nah, that's too much!
You're funky!
No, I'm not. Come on.
Your trousers are so big,
but in a cool rap way.
Ah, no, they're not, come on.
When you laugh,
you lift up your chin up.
No, I don't! Come on!
Oh, God!
DINA! Oh, she went with Carole.
Damn.
Go to the one across the road,
this one's crap.
W-w-who?
Excuse you? Oh! Excuse you?
Hey, Stath, you good, man?
Cem? You all right? What's this?
Cem,
you gave me a pound?
Do you owe me a pound?
Nah, man,
I just wanted to drop by and put
something nice in your hand.
Thank you, Cem.
As a young father, I appreciate
the offering of respect.
And I hope things are blessed
with American lets,
but to be completely honest
with you, man,
what are you doing here, man?
Oh, I moved agency.
And the new place I'm working for,
they wanted me to come down
and tell people your shop is crap
so no-one would come in.
Crick. What's the name
of this agency, Cem?
It's Live Love Lets.
Bare young guy and his wife,
it's a family situation.
OK, so you come to my shop -
that's cool,
that's fine.
People come to shops all the time.
We stand outside the shop, you give
me a compliment about my hand -
I appreciate that.
But then you tell me you've been
telling people my shop's crap.
OK? That is when things changed.
So what I'm gonna ask from you now,
Cem, is just for
a l-i-ittle bit of respect.
I'm trying. I didn't want to do it,
but I just suggested it
and they just thought
it was such a good idea.
You suggested it?!
Call your bosses, man!
Call them, Live Love Lets.
More like "Get Upset".
What do you want me to say?
Tell them I've got a daughter
AND I've had enough.
Hi, yeah, hi, G. G?!
Yeah, he says I can't do it any
more
because he's got a daughter
and he's had enough. Yeah.
Yeah, they said they don't care
about your daughter.
About Dina?!
OK, well, tell them
I'm going to beat them up now
because I have to. Huh.
Yeah, he said he's gonna
beat you up.
He says he gonna beat you up too.
Did they say what they're gonna do?
Uh, just like punch you in your face
and kick you in your arse
and, yeah, stuff like that.
I've got a daughter, man,
she can't see me
with kick in my arse.
Do you know what I mean?
She's none. Her age is none, Cem.
How's your sister? Leave her!
Stop putting my family in danger.
Al
Al, they're gonna get my ass.
Al, pick up, pick up.
I need backup, man.
PHONE RINGS
Hello, Michael And Eagle Ass -
er, er, haircuts
Er, Daughter, er, flat viewings!
Oh, a viewing in Mill Hill?
I don't think I can come
to Mill Hill right now, Gregory.
Do you know what?
I will come to Mill Hill.
I quite want to leave here.
Oh, I can't choose.
Is this one big? Does it say?
Uh, it doesn't, no. But it could be
bigger, that's for sure.
You know what? Erm,
let me get both chocolates.
I can do that.
No, don't, please,
it's going to be like £1.30.
No, no, you're hungry. I want to do
this, I want to get these.
Oh!
Cem's my ex-boyfriend.
Hi, it's me.
It's me.
It's me.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Are you?
Sorry, sorry, are you Nikki Gregory?
Yeah, I'm Gregory,
my wife's called Nikki.
Understood.
We're living together.
I-I love her.
That's nice.
I'm Stath,
my daughter's called Dina.
I'm NOT living with her,
but I love her.
Have youhave you worked out
where you might like to lean
if you live in the property?
I would recommend here,
with your hand just between
the light and the door. But, yeah.
Are you two OK?
You've got no reason to be sad.
Oh, my God. Guess what.
We're
It's us.
Live Love Lets. What?!
Wha-a-at
..is that? What is that?
Oh, my God.
Oh, the annoyed agency that
are across the road now?
Arghhhh.
Is that you? You know we are.
Well, I'm shocked now.
You told Cem you were going to beat
me and my wife up.
No, no, no, no, no. And you left
hair outside our office.
I don't even know
how to leave hair outside an office.
Come on, I got a daughter
to talk about, man.
Let's leave this to rest.
What are you gonna do?
We said we're gonna beat you up.
No. Yeah.
Not now. Now.
Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ.
What, is it happening now?
Ah, cottage!
I caught it up there, I caught
the elbow up there.
That's gotta be it.
I need to go to the toilet.
Oh, oh.
Oh, my God! Oh
I didn't even touch you.
That was the tenant's, man. Please.
I'm not touching you!
PHONE RINGS
Scored. Get off.
Hello, Live Love Lets?
Get off, I've got a daughter, I need
to go to the toilet.
Agh!
Ah, you hurt my heart, I think.
I didn't even touch you.
Yeah, we'll be there.
I'm just going to call you back,
OK? All right, bye.
I've got a daughter,
I need to go to the toilet.
We've come this far, we've come this
far.
Agh! Oh, oh, oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Throwing the hair.
Oh, yes.
I keep telling you, I need
the toilet and I have a daughter.
What is that? What you doing?
Let me go to the toilet, please!
Fine. Thank you.
Did you actually kick him?
CRASH
Ow!
I just couldn't land a smack, and
that's the reason why you're feeling
like this. Are you serious?
Why you doing this, man?
I'm a father, I got a kid. Why you
smacking the wall next to me, man?
Stop saying that!
We've got a kid on the way,
Nik's two weeks pregnant.
We're not going on about it.
What? Don't tell him that.
Why you always telling people stuff?
You're so immature.
Oh, Nik,
don't make this be about us, babe.
He's the one that's got us having
a row with each other.
You're my world. I just can't
Go on, go on, go on, it's all right.
I've been where you're at, man.
Tell her, tell her.
Nah, it's just this whole thing.
Live Love Lets is like my entire
life.
I just can't get it off the ground.
Gregory, man. Nikki, man.
Look at you, man.
How old are you, man?
OK. Well, I'm 29.
Yeah.
We should be talking to each other.
I've been in this game
a damn long time.
Damn. I don't want this with us.
I want THIS with us,
do you know what I mean,
I want to support you both.
I don't want anyone's support.
What? I just want a shop without
hair outside, and an old husband.
What? Nik? God.
Nikki, man. Get out my way. What, do
you? Nik. Don't. She's going,
she's just going, man.
She's just going, and it's fine.
I love her. I know you do, man.
I love her, man.
Hey
I've got some mints in my car, man.
What do say we give them
a right old chew, yeah?
Yeah.
For freshness.
You look well different, Cem.
Are you wearing a suit oror not?
Yeah, a silver one
with a-a thing, a tie.
You know what I mean, man?
I do, I know.
My jacket's dark grey. Big.
Oh, is it? Can I ask you a question?
What's goin' on with you and me,
Sophie, man?
It's like we're
not even together any more, man.
We broke up together
at the awards thing.
What? You're joking.
Is that a new joke?
No, that's a old chat.
I swear, you never made that clear
or something.
I've been going crazy, man,
wondering why you never chext me.
I even forgot
who I am for, like, two days.
Oh, no. Do you remember now?
Yeah. Cem.
Ah, that's right. Great.
Wait, what are you two doing now,
do you want to hang out with me
or something? Oh, oh,
well, we're actually on a, um,
on a-a, um
You're on a what?
You're on like alike a date?
Oh, no.
No, no, not that.
Erm, just two friends going crazy
for chocolate, innit, Al?
Oh, I-I-I-I wasn't sure.
But, yeah, no, no.
Now I can see it's just friends
going crazy with chocolate, so
I'm going to go, I think.
I'll remember you forever, Sophie.
For like the rest of the year.
Sorry what I said about the
Oh, no, no, honestly, don't worry,
of course it wasn't a date.
What was he thinking?
I'm probably going to be sick
cos the chocolate was too nice.
Yes, yes. Um, I should go away.
Oh, yeah, oh, yes, no, no, no.
Sorry.
So where's your head at, G?
What happened, G?
Why you tussling, young 'un?
Live Love Lets.
Yeah. Pressure, fatherhood. Yeah.
I'm fragile, I'm a fragile thing.
You and me,
we've got a lot in congon, man.
I look at you and I see me.
You look like me
when I was a kid. Huh?
Always shouting,
always trying to let a flat,
always trying to have a child.
And, hey, guess what?
I've had a child now,
and it ain't a pretty photo.
The mum does not get why I'm cool.
She says that I'm not even good
at my job. Imagine?
I mean, yeah, I once went two years
without letting a flat.
And, you know,
I still very rarely let a flat,
but is that going to get me down?
No, bob.
Why?
Why what?
I'd be well embarrassed about that.
Why on earth are you still doing it?
Oi, I was just really nice to you
in here and in there.
Telling you my heart.
After you told people
not to come into my shop,
and you chase me around
and I fall on the bloody table.
Do you what I mean, 23?
I'm glad your wife says you're young
innit? Cos you're 23.
I'm not even worried about you
stealing our properties any more.
You work in a barber's, mate,
you can steal dogshit from a floor.
What's that? Oi. What you doing?
Oh, my!
That's too sweet, that's too sweet.
You made my car sweet!
That's too sweet for my car!
MUSIC: Wildes Tier
by Nicolas Feelisch & Kenneth Duncan
Dean, pass me a spoon for the hair.
Yeah.
That'll do it.
All right, come on, then, Dina,
you're guff drunk.
Oh, git! Who done that?!
The door was left open to our
barbershop, so someone put
all our hair back in here.
And that is a wild sentence for a
letting agent to say, so I'm going.
Right, so Stath didn't stay here.
Right, custody revoked, then.
And why should Stathis wait here?
To look after the shop,
like I told him to.
And I'm sorry, but if he can't be
trusted with a hairy room,
then he definitely can't be trusted
with his, TBF, hairy daughter.
Oh, what, is that several strands?
Oh, it was G's wife. Dad, it's
cos I-I infuriated G's wife.
Shhh. Don't worry, please. Course
I'm worrying.
I can't help but worry
when it's like this.
We don't think about shouting,
we think about Dina.
Course I'm thinking about Dina.
I can't get the chick
off my goddamn mind.
I fought a slim man for her today,
Father.
Carole is here. Oh, she's here?
You all right, Carole?
All right, Dina? How's it going?
You don't have to open your eyes.
Look, I spent a lot of time
on the ground today
because of a fight,
and that gave me time
to think that maybe I'm probably
not slick to be
a father, this week.
Yet. Sobye.
Right, I don't want to make a habit
of it,
but you can come
and put her to bed at mine.
OK? I just want to conk out
with a brie.
But I feel like I need her
to be under my roof.
I get that. I get that.
All right.
You want to give me a lift, then?
Course, yeah. Oh, can you grab one
of those Ronk Babygros?
Dina's fogged herself.
Oh, Rark, Rark!
You want to do it with the Rark?
Yeah. The tick has a corner.
Oh, my God. Hair party.
You all right?
Hey, Dina!
Are you coming
to Kat and Stath's house tonight?
Do you like fish in your bed?
Oh, my, God! Surprise queen.
There's actually been
a mini switch in the mix.
Which is that instead
of you, me, Dina tonight together,
it's going to be Carole, me, Dina -
not you.
Are you kidding?
Er, no.
Oh, OK.
Because from where I'm standing,
in the hair,
You have got to be kidding.
Well, why?
No, noo
Katia, why did you think
I was kidding?
Katia, why did you think
I was kidding?
Katia, why did you think
that I was kidding?
Look, I just need a night with my D,
why can't you be pleased
for my heart?
OK, and who will be pleased
for my heart?
I will be very pleased
for your whole body
when we look after her another night
together. Perhaps, uh, Tuesday.
Every time I see you,
I don't recognise you.
Get the heck out my life, stranger.
Katia, I'm driving.
HE GASPS
I am colour-blind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready, I am ready, I am ready
I am fine ♪
The car was sticky from the sweet.
I'm sorry. Are you OK?
I found this in your box.
What's that?
I made Dina's room into paradise.
We're done. Bye, kid.
We what?
Yeah.
LULLABY PLAYS
Come up.
Um, do ya need anything or?
No, no, no, I've got an old book,
I might just Yeah, OK right.
Hi, Dina, you all right?
Um, I don't know if you know words
but this is a thing like
a dictionary I made
when I first come to England.
That's, um, all different words that
I heard people said on the street
that I liked. OK, first word -
erasing.
So that's just like another word
for, like,
amazing. So you might say like,
"I had a erasing day."
No, it doesn't mean that.
What? Is it not? Oh, OK, sorry. OK.
WHISPERS: It does.
No. What, you still watching?
Gonna give you an egg tonight. ♪