Stella (2012) s03e02 Episode Script

- You're an idiot.
- No, you're an idiot.
- I called you it first, so - I called you it second, so Apart from my son being born, getting this interview has been the biggest event of my life.
I got it! I got it! Word on the street is business is bad.
We got stiffs coming at us from all over South Wales, haven't we, Daddy? - You've sold it, then? - Moving in tomorrow.
- Oh, what?! - Oh, God.
Not you! And then she smiles And my heart starts beating I go weak inside Shut up! Oh, shut up! Shut up! Oh, for God's sake! Mam! I can't find my straighteners.
In the dirty linen basket! What they doing there?! I hid them from Jack.
Jack was playing with them.
You starting early today, presh? Well, people need pizza 24 hours a day, Mam.
- It's the seventh emergency service.
- Gross.
Ben! Little Alan! You awake yet? She never stops nagging.
It's cos she's on the menopause.
- Why do you smoke? - Stress.
Don't make me come up there, good boy! Ben! Ben!! Oh! Ow! Morning.
Come on, then.
- Why didn't you answer me? - I did.
- You've been smoking! - No, I haven't! Ben, don't insult my bloody intelligence! I can smell it! - Go on - tell her.
- Tell her what?! - It was Little Al.
- What? No, it wasn't! - Serious? - No point denying it, mate.
He's on ten a day.
- Oh, shut up! No, I'm not! - Little Al! I don't believe it! - Stella, I don't smoke, honestly.
- He's stressed he is, Mam.
Cos of his dad and that.
He was crying earlier and then he lit up.
Oh, look, your dad is strong as an egg.
It's only a little health scare.
They'll be letting him out today, you watch.
But smoking is not the answer.
You've got to knock it on the head, presh, before you get addicted.
- You used to smoke.
- Yeah, but I don't any more do I? Because it's stupid and disgusting.
Will someone get that? It'll be Jag, it will.
Oh, this family Coming! Cheers, Little Al.
I owe you one.
- Hiya! - Howdy, howdy.
- You coming in? - No, no.
My niece arrived last night.
We've left her in charge of the shop.
- God help us.
- How's Emma Scissorhands doing? - He's only made that joke four times already today.
- Three times.
Ah, excited she is.
Eh, I saw Sunny the other day on a ward round.
He's proper on the way now, isn't he, to becoming a doctor! - Yes.
We're very proud.
- Yeah.
Me, too.
Proud of Emma, like.
Yes.
Oh, come off it, Stella.
You can't compare being a doctor with being a hairdresser.
Right, let's go shall we, Abhra? People are always going to need medical attention.
We can all survive without haircuts.
Oh, I don't know, Tan.
Them split ends are looking a bit dangerous.
Bye, Abs! That's it.
Aunty Brenda! Jag.
Tan.
Abs.
Now, remember - we keep ourselves to ourselves.
Head down, straight to the car.
If we encounter any natives, don't look them in the eye.
Come on.
Coo-ee! How are you settling in? All right? Not really, no.
I was kept awake all night by someone's dog barking.
Well, don't look at me.
How do you know it was my dog? Some people can recognise birdsong.
I can identify the bark of over 23 different types of canine and that bark came from a Parson Jack Russell male.
Bet you're a fun night out.
I have owned dogs all my life and there's one thing I know.
A noisy dog is not a happy dog.
If it happens again, I'll be informing the RSPCA.
Good day.
- Wish me luck! - Ah, good luck, presh! - Good luck, kid! - Thanks.
Oh, hush now, or Mr Jolly Chops'll have you arrested.
Mr Williams? Dr Hugh Llechwen-Rees ap Lloyd Machynlleth.
- Sorry? - Dr Hugh Llechwen-Rees ap Lloyd Machynlleth.
- All right.
- Well, the good news is you'll be going home later today.
Great.
What's the bad news? You're severely and dangerously overweight.
- Am I? - Yes.
But panic not! I've got you a leaflet! Eh, I couldn't get in the front.
There's a massive queue! I know.
Well, that's a good thing, isn't it? - Don't that mean the special offer've taken off? - Exactly! It've taken off, flown away and spiralled out of control.
They're all in there now, grasping their leaflets and clamouring to be served! I've left Daddy on his own amidst the throng.
- What am I gonna do, Stell? - Bobs, you just got a glut on at the moment, that's all.
It'll pass! And remember there's always some poor bugger worse off than you.
Look at me! I got a horrible bloke moved in next door.
Right narky, sarky sod.
- Have he got a spare room? - What for? Cos I'm looking for somewhere to stick a few stiffs.
- Well, I'm sorry, Daddy, but I can't face it! - Yes, you can.
Daddy, you get back in there and you stem the flow.
Bobs'll be with you now in a minute.
Now, listen here, Bobby Gittins.
You are made of stronger stuff than this.
You can do it.
You just pull yourself up by your G-strings, you get back in there and you undertake like you have never undertaken before.
D'you hear me? - Yes.
Thank you, Stell.
- Mm.
- And you still owe me five quid for these.
- Oh! - So long! - So long.
The till system is pretty complicated and we don't want to frighten you off on your first day, so for now you can start where every great hairdresser starts their career - with a brush in their hand.
Get sweeping! Oh, and Emma? No fucking swearing on the shop floor, OK? And so, when you are accompanying Doctor on his or her ward round, you speak when spoken to and you do your utmost to accommodate his or her requests.
You are the nurse.
He or she is the doctor.
'Twas ever thus be told.
Now.
Can anyone tell me what the hospital protocol is when addressing a surgeon? If everyone could just calm down, we guarantee you will be seen! I've got a dead uncle, 93, and a maiden aunt who's on the wane.
This two for one ' what's the sell-by date? Er, there is no sell by date.
No, there isn't! We at Simpson's promise to pick up where Garrick's have of left off and to honour all their previous customer commitments, as well as our own special offers.
Excuse me.
Barry, love! I been meaning to phone but things have gone mentalistic since Garrick's went under.
You been very quiet, Bobs.
Me and Rhys and me been feeling a bit abandoned! - Is the deal still on, Bobby Jean? - Well, yes, sirree! The deal is still on! Just let me get through this lot and I'll be over to pick them up.
- Half a dozen you said, wasn't it? - No, no.
Six we said.
Six! Have you got the room? Of course we've got the room! I'll be in touch! Oh! So, help me, Daddy, if you say demand outstripping supply one more time I won't be liable for my actions.
Right.
Who's next? Hang on! Back off! I'm still queuing - Blubber Busters? - Aye.
Five pound a week I've got to lose.
- Who said? - Doctor.
Llechwen-Rees ap Lloyd Machynlleth I think he said he thought his name was.
- Oh, I know him.
- Anyway, there's a class tonight up the Brachy.
I thought I'd try it, then see if Little Al will come with me.
Oh, Christ, you know who runs this don't you? Nadine! - Nadine? - She do make a fortune apparently.
Look, I don't care who runs it.
The party's over, Stell.
I've got to get healthy.
Starting with my food.
Pizza for Williams? A Weetabix they give me for breakfast.
A single Weetabix.
Morning.
Michael Jackson, solicitor.
Here to see Lenny Mack.
Straight up.
Who I was when I come in here, ain't the person who'll be walking out of here next month.
I've changed, Mike.
It's Michael and at the risk of sounding like a hardened old cynic, I'm afraid I've heard that a thousand times before.
I've been going to meetings in here.
AA, NA, CA.
I won't ask you what the C stands for.
Anyway, it's changed the way I see things, you know? Don't tell me.
You've found God.
I've found something.
I want Zoe to visit me.
So's I can make my amends to her.
- I was an arsehole and I know that now.
- No comment.
Her mobile's on there and the address.
Pen-Y-Gorlan Street she lives.
Number 23.
- Number 23? - Yeah.
And I want her to bring the kid and all, so's I can make amends to him.
Pepe's Pizzas.
Right, that's er £18.
75, please, boys.
Who's paying? - Well, look who it is.
Pukey Lukey.
- Keckers.
- Did you order these? Who's paying? - Stick 'em on the table.
- Not till you pay me.
- Bonner, stop twatting about and give him the cash.
- Stay out of it, knob head.
- All right, keep your cock on.
Oops.
I dropped it.
Are you going to pick it up? Thought I recognised you, Lukey boy.
You and me have got a mutual friend who's getting out soon and he's really looking forward to seeing you again.
Now jump back on your bumboy scooter and fuck off home to your missus.
Or should I say, his missus.
Sorry.
What, for bumping into me or for sleeping with my wife? Look, this isn't ideal but we've got to work together, so can we just try and behave like grown-ups and get on? Like you've been "getting on" with Jan for the past 18 months behind my back? - Well, that's not very grown up.
- I don't feel very grown up, Andy! Look, it's hard for her, too, you know.
The guilt And the shame.
The person you're calling is unable to take your call.
Please leave your message after the tone.
Hello, erm Zoe! Er, this is Michael Jackson here.
Hee-heee! Sorry, I always do that when I first introduce myself.
Gets rid of the whole name embarrassment thing Anyhoo, erm, I'm Lenny's solicitor and, erm, I visited him this morning.
And as you may or may not know, he's due for release shortly and he's asked if you would go visit him before he gets out.
Perhaps you can give me a ring on and we can have a chat.
And you're gonna find this out soon enough but you and I are actually next-door neighbours, so - Hi, Dad.
- Erm, anyway, give me a call.
Bye.
- Katie-bear! - Shut up! Don't call me that in public! What are you doing here? - Nothing wrong is there? - Nope.
Just missing you, that's all.
Oh.
Right.
Now, look, sweetheart, this thing between me and your mum.
You can say it, Dad.
The word is divorce.
Sorry, I just erm Now, you know we love you very much, don't you? And it's not your fault? You've been reading that book again, haven't you? Broken Home, Broken Heart.
How To Tell Your Kids You Hate Each Other Now But It's Not Because Of Anything They Did.
So cynical for one so young.
Sandwich? I thought we could eat together, then you can drop me back at school.
What an utterly splendid idea.
Michael, is it true that K - Oh.
- Hi, Mum.
Why aren't you at school? If you're absent without permission Er, Jan! Calm down, there's a good egg.
She's come to visit her old man, OK? That was easy-peasy lemon squeezy.
Speak for yourself.
I thought it was rock.
Oh, I loves it when you talks all olde worlde.
What you on about? You know, like they did in the '50s when you was growing up.
Rock.
Rock hard.
Tom, I did not grow up in the bloody '50s! I'm 44! I know! It's amazing! And because I know your memory ain't so good, I'll teach you my learning technique, if you like.
What it is, I get a list of things I've got to learn and I put them to music.
So like say today now with lung conditions, I go, Asthma, influenza Pneumonic tuberculosis or TB And that way it sticks in my head, like.
- Yeah, really catchy tune that, presh.
- Yeah, thanks.
All right, Stell? Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease! If Cheryl asks where I am, cover for me.
I've got to nip home and put a couple of washes on.
- I'm well behind with the ironing.
- But I haven't finished my song yet.
I got a whole entire verse about inhalers! Right, sit in the chair and look ill.
- I don't need a chair.
- No, but I need an excuse.
Come on.
Thing is, Bobs, these bodies are going like hotcakes and if you can't take them today, then I know another undertaker, not a million miles from me, who'd snap them up in a One of them.
I presume you're talking about Gwyn Thomas from Thomas, Thomas, Evans and Thomas.
- And Thomas.
- The very same.
- And Evans.
Sorry, Bob, but it's a cut-throat business, as you know.
Oh! Fine.
I'll take them back with me now.
Load them up.
- Load 'em up.
- Load 'em up! You know who you want to ask to go Blubber Busters with you? Dai Davies.
Cos he could do with shifting a few pound.
I was hoping you might consider coming.
Oh, I'm putting on weight, aren't I? It's this bloody HRT it is.
- Gives you the horn as well, don't it? - How do you know that? I know quite a lot about the female anatomy, as it goes.
- Oh! You're disgusting! - Stella, mun! Stop it!!! Stella Morris! Question.
Do you actually want to be a nurse? Yeah! Course I do! I love nursing.
It's just I got so many other things I got to get sorted and You've had two yellow cards today already.
Don't make me give you a third.
Actually, you can't have three yellow cards.
Back on the ward.
Poncho! You have one new message.
'Zoe, this is Michael Jackson here.
' Hee-heee! Sorry, erm, I always do that when I first introduce myself.
'Gets rid of the whole name embarrassment thing.
'Anyhoo, erm, I'm Lenny's solicitor and I visited him this morning 'and as you may or may not know, 'he's due for release shortly' Zo? '.
.
and he's asked if you'd go see him' You're early.
What are you doing back? I've packed it in, babe.
Can't stand it no more, mun.
- The job's a joke.
- Oh, come here.
Still got a few things to do to the house - but once it's up and running, come visit.
- Yeah.
Cool.
It's really nice.
Neighbours are a bit weird but, you know, the house itself Well, it's more of a cottage, really.
You know - like a miner's cottage.
Mum said it's a pokey little terrace but I'm not to mock.
- Oh, I nearly forgot.
I downloaded you some tracks.
- Thank you.
It's all old people's stuff, you know - Neil Young, Cat Stevens, Pink Floyd.
- That was really thoughtful.
Thank - See you! Bye! "Wild World" - Cat Stevens Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world I'll always remember you like a child, girl Slightly dubious those lyrics, Tess, if you think about it.
I'm literally picking up my laptop.
Do you want to stay in the car or come in with me? Your choice? - You got yourself a visitor, Mike.
- Mr Jackson? - Who are you? We've been authorised to reclaim your car by the official owner, Mrs - Jan Jackson.
- What? If you could remove any property from the vehicle, sir.
Such as the spaniel.
All right, Pete.
Take her away! Capitalist scum! Make you sick, don't they, Mike? Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world So I enter that figure there You see? And then voila! It gives me the gross profit for the month.
Yeah.
Can I go on Facebook now? Parvadi, this isn't a holiday! You are supposed to be learning about the retail industry.
- Now, we promised your father that I - Come on, Uncle, lighten up! You have to admit it's as boring as feck, isn't it? All of this? I mean, hand on heart, wouldn't you prefer to do something else? - No, he wouldn't.
- And do you know why? Because I have a passion for it, Parvadi.
In here.
For selling milk and fags and shite? I do not sell shite.
All right? We're off to feed the ducks, aren't we, Abhra? Well, you do what you can, Tan.
But at the end of the day, he's a child from a broken home and Christ knows what impact that'll have on him in later life.
I mean, look at my Vivienne.
Me and her father split up when she was ten and she've been a road accident ever since.
Hey, I'll see you, kid.
Aunty Brenda! Biscuits I'm after, Jag.
The higher the fat content the better.
I got my big business meeting today with Dai.
- Dai Davies or Dai Kosh? - Dai Davies.
- Dai Davies, mun.
- Kosh've gone to Tenerife! - Let me introduce my niece to you.
This is Parvadi.
I've been teaching her the ways of running a small business.
And it's as boring as feck, Mrs Aunty Brenda.
Someone shoot me, please.
- Alan! - All right? How good to see you, my friend! Back safe from the jaws of death.
Parvadi, get up off the floor, please.
Aye, well, I wasn't surprised when I heard, Al.
You were a heart attack waiting to happen, if you ask me.
Actually, it wasn't a heart attack, Aunty Brenda.
Just a health scare.
And today is the first day of the rest of my life.
- I'm going Blubber Busters tonight! - Lena Lloyd do do Blubber Busters.
- Seven stone she lost.
- Really? Yeah.
I mean, she've put it all back on now but it definitely do work.
I'm not being funny but it's what you've asked for and that's the nearest I can get it.
- But I don't look nothing like her! - Exactly! - Can I make a suggestion? - Face transplant? Hair up just don't suit everyone.
It's just one of them things.
But if you do this See? You got a lovely face and this way your hair frames it better.
Oh, yes.
Clever girl.
You're wasted as a hairdresser.
You should work for the UN.
Everyone! Can I have your attention, please? Turn off your driers a mo.
I've just had some fantastic news.
The South Wales Valleys Hairdresser of the Year Awards have announced that we have been nominated for Salon of the Year! But, but, but better than that, our very own Marcus Jensen ' my clever husband ' has also been nominated for Hairdresser of the Year.
The awards will take place next week.
All staff will be expected to attend.
Yes, even you, Emma! Thank you very much.
All the best.
Aunty Brenda.
Let's me and you talk, Dai Davies.
Cracks in the pavement underneath my shoe I care less and less about And less about you No-one else around to look at me Look around you, Dai.
Pontyberry is crying out for a private bus firm.
I got a list of potential customers long as my neck.
Since Jimmy Buck went under he've left a gaping hool and I intend to fill it.
- Orange squash? - Go on, then.
It's a gold mine waiting to be happen, Dai, you can surely see that.
Maybe.
But why should I just hand over my vehicle willy nilly? Wake up, mun.
You got three twenty-seaters out there.
How long you been trying to shift 'em? - The market's a bit slow at the moment.
- Codswallop.
Give me your buses, I'll give you my knowledge.
What I don't know about the coach hire trade simply ain't worth knowing.
You're a difficult woman to turn down, Aunty Brenda.
Come on, Dai ' what do you say? Between us, you and me, we'll transport this town all over the town.
- I'll give it a six-month trial.
- Yes! Brenda's Buses here we come! Sorry? The Connaught.
Straight off the coffin catwalk.
Them's Cardiff prices, Mr Mason.
I can't see the Pontyberry clientele forking out for a Connaught, even if it is de rigueur.
Very wise, Bobby Jean.
And considering Simpson's is into mass burials these days, you won't be wanting to waste money on something as classy as a Connaught.
I'll take half a dozen when you've got a mo.
Thanks, Perry.
Actually, I hadn't actually made my mind up.
But you've done it for me.
Mr Mason, we'll take ten.
Make it twelve.
Very well.
And I know you won't regret it.
Oh, speak up, for pity's sake! Everyone's worrying about you, BJ.
Get your hands off me! If you feel you've bitten off more than you can chew, you know where I am.
Right, I've saved my pocket money.
I'm doing beef Wellington followed by a damson crumble.
Little Al, you and me need to have a little chat.
Did Stella tell you I was smoking? What are you talking about? - The only thing I've ever smoked is a kipper! - Listen.
The doctor have told me I've got to lose weight, so tonight I'm going to this slimming thing.
- I don't have to come, do I? - The thing is Little Alan, you have to lose weight, too.
The court have said.
- Or they'll send me to jail? - What? No! But they might send you back to your mother.
Don't take my food away from me, Dad.
I do love eating.
Aw! He've arrived then? Yeah, came just after lunch.
You're lovely, isn't you? Very intelligent, Stell.
- And very polite.
- Oh, aye.
Don't want to be no trouble see, Stell.
That's what comes from living in a sanctuary.
Low self-esteem.
But he loves his new room, don't he, Glen? Taken to it like a duck.
Ah.
Well, it's very nice to meet you - Donkey.
- Donkey! Of course he's called Donkey.
Ben! Put your bloody stuff away, will you?! Ben?! "Wreckin' Bar" - The Vaccines Pretty girl wreckin' bar Ra ra ra ra yeah, you are Growing up I'm twice the man Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, I am The angel's game, F Scott Fitzgerald Class is about to start, Alan.
It's essential that you don't miss the weigh-in.
Come on! Dai! Where the hell are you, mun? I'm not walking in there on my own.
Aunty Brenda! All right.
Not joining up, are you? Yeah, you've inspired me, you have, Al.
I know you're looking at me thinking, "What in Christ's name do Aunty Brenda need to lose weight for?" But I'm just feeling it creeping on and whatyercall.
Talking of which ' howdy, partner! Sorry, Al.
Car wouldn't start.
Right.
Come on.
I knew it! Take a seat then, Aunty Brenda.
Now, I will now in a minute.
Going to wait for Al, I am.
Big Alan? I weighed these clothes beforehand.
They total six pound all told.
Well, the scales don't lie, Al, and nor will I.
We're going on a journey, you and me, and a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first nine hundred.
That's very deep, that.
Yeah, deeply stupid.
Right.
Step aboard, young man! Let the journey commence.
Phew! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
OK.
We're not going to panic.
Cos this is why we're here! Well, that was a revelation.
Clinically obese! Count your lucky stars.
At least you're not morbidly obese.
I never realised things had got so bad.
If you ask me, them scales she was using were on the blink.
The whatyermacall was funny on them cos there's no way I'm that heavy.
Can I just say, I know how much courage it took for you all to come here tonight.
- Thanks.
- When Karl got that job in the Middle East, I thought my whole world had ended.
But I found a reason to live again.
And it's helping fat people like you lose weight.
Christ knows it ain't easy.
But it've given me a purpose in life.
Keeps me going till Karl do come home again.
And I want to thank you for that.
All of you, yeah? Well, I'm going to give it a go.
Clinically obese, my arse.
It's not just your arse, Dai.
It'll be your stomach and all.
And your legs.
Mam? Is this what you're looking for? - You are so grounded, good boy.
- Till when? Till 2023! Mr Ross? - All the other nurses are well jel.
- Are they now? - Oh, yeah.
It's not every day we get a big celebrity like you in St Catherine's! Although I did meet Neil Kinnock once.
I'm bigger than Kinnock! Oh, yeah, course you are.
Now then - Are you wearing the stockings? - Yes.
- And the suspenders? - Oh, yes.
I got it all going on, presh.
I am absolutely gagging for it.
Mam! Alan's here! Yeah.
OK! Rrow-row! Yap-yap-yap! Grr-row! Yap-yap-yap! Rrrow! Yap! Rrrow! Yap-yap-yap! My little Chihuahua's been a good little doggy.
Yap yap yap!!! Rrrow! Rrrow! Naughty doggy man! Get down! Yap! Oh, now, look! I'm not having this! If you two are going to paw and maul at the drop of a hat, you can get out and do it on the pavement! Vivienne, I meant what I said about you moving out.
I've got this new business now and I can't have you messing things up with yer whatyercall! Stop harassing me, Mam! I've got to find my feet.
Well, you can find them sharpish and start paying your way and you can do that by working the buses with me.
No can do.
Sorry, Mam.
Oh, I tell you something and there's no mistaking.
You are your father's daughter, good girl! As lazy as a log and twice as thick! Don't you talk about my father like that.
He was a fucking hero and I miss him, OK? Christ, I miss him.
Well, I don't know why you talking like he's dead all of a sudden! He's still alive and living in Newport! Hey, Aunty Bren.
I don't suppose you're looking for no drivers for your buses, are you? I'm going over Benson's.
- I heard they're looking for casuals.
- All right, presh.
- Good luck butt! Oh, bless him.
D'you want a bit? No, thank you.
I had my 25g portion of bran this morning with 200ml of skimmed milk - and a melon slice.
- Mm.
How you feeling? Absolutely starving.
Enjoyed last night, did you? Well, I wouldn't say enjoyed but it's a real eye opener, you know? - You ought to give it a go, Stell.
- Yeah.
I know I'm putting on.
And I tell you something else.
You were right about the, you know.
- I keep having all these horny dreams.
- Oh! Last night I had sex with Jonathan Ross in a hospital bed.
Oh, fair play, I do like Jonathan Ross.
You wouldn't think he was gay, mind, would you? - Jonathan Ross isn't gay! - Yes, he is! - No, he's not! And I should bloody know! Huh! Could it be any more humiliating? - They just took it away in front of my bare eyes! - Calm down.
- I mean it! You know how much that car means to me! It's the only decent thing I own.
Well, that and the Gibson 12-string.
What's going on?! Jesus! Everyone can hear you! Andy, d'you know what? Why don't you take your squash-playing, polo-shirt-wearing, football-supporting, beer-swilling, paintball-playing, wife-stealing arse back down the corridor and fuck off? You're going to have to get a grip, mate.
Michael, your twelve o'clock's here, Zoe Stewart? Yes! Yes, erm, thank you.
I don't swill beer, Jan.
Please have a seat.
OK, first things first.
The next-door neighbour thing - Luke doesn't know I'm here.
- No.
And I can assure you that any contact we have regarding Lenny will be treated with the utmost confidentiality and professionalism.
I only come here to tell you I ain't seeing him.
Never.
He's very keen to put things right, Zoe.
- You're wasting your time.
- So I've got you a visitor's pass.
OK, nursing can sometimes involve managing distress.
And it's up to you to help patients and families come through their crisis-isses.
Now Mrs Wong by here, have agreed to be in a crisis.
Yes! And I am gonna show you how to manage your basic patient distress.
Right.
Start crying.
OK.
So she's crying.
I've noticed, I'm over.
I'm on the bed, I'm putting the arm around and I'm making the following three points with a clear and calm delivery.
Number one, do not be alarmed.
Number two Hush a minute now.
Number two, is there anyone we can call? Number three, are your personal items safely locked away in your bedside locker? As distress is a perfect pick-pocketing opportunity for any passing opportunist pick-pocket-ers.
Sorry.
Oh, I've got to take this.
It's the school.
- Mobile phones - Hello? - .
.
are strictly forbidden on the wards.
- Mobile phones - Why? What's he done? - .
.
are strictly forbidden during training.
You leave me no option than to give you a yellow card.
All right.
Sorry, Mr Palmer.
I'll have a word with him tonight.
So.
Where were we? I know I'm grounded but how far does the boundary line stretch like? Why? Cos Glen's bringing Donkey out in a minute.
Can I go and see him? - Five minutes.
- Yes! And then you can tell me what I'm meant to say to Mr Palmer, who informs me you've been doing graffiti! It's called tagging! Stop nagging! Bloody rap artist now all of a sudden, are you? Er What d'you think you're doing? - You talking to me? - That bin is mine.
- It's for my rubbish.
- Don't be ridiculous.
It's a bin.
And what does it say on the bin? Number 24.
Therefore the rubbish that goes in there comes from number 24.
You're number 23.
So technically, you've just committed a burglary.
- What, I burgled a bin? - Yes.
- Are you serious? - Perfectly.
Here he is.
- Aw! Hello again! Come on, come on.
- What the hell? - Come on, come on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Excuse me, please tell me I didn't just see what I just saw? What's that butt? Well has that? Has that donkey been living inside your house?! - Aye.
- You got a problem with that, Mike? Yes! Of course I've got a problem with that! It's a bloody donkey!!! Marj and Glen have always had horses in the house.
But to be fair, Donkey's a donkey, not a horse.
Donkey, horse - it's it's illegal, it's insanitary and inhumane - Well, it's just downright insane! - Oh, get over yourself, mun! Jesus.
It's It's like living in some drug-induced production of Under Milk Wood.
Zo? - I ran you a bath.
- Aw, thanks, babe.
- You all right? - Yeah ' just stuff.
I will get a job, you know.
I'm not a total loser.
Oh, God! What's he like next door? Can't hear myself think with that blaring! Well, Jack's out for the count.
He'd sleep through a thrash metal concert, he would.
Zo I saw this mate of Lenny's yesterday.
He'll be coming out soon.
Will he? You know I'll protect you from him, don't you? And Jack.
You're lovely, you are.
Now, hurry up.
Your water's getting cold.
"Make Me Smile" - Steve Harley Ooohh La la-la Ooohh La la lah Oh, come up and see me Make me smile Or do what you want Run on wild Not picking up, Jan? I expect you're out partying, aren't you, with Andy Wanker Pandy, seeing as he's younger than me and has more stamina than me.
Anyway Oh, what now? We have got two small children living at our house.
Only two? That's very modest for round here.
I'd have thought you could get at least eight in there.
- Why are you so unpleasant? - Sorry? Did your mother not give you enough attention as a child? Oh, you're a psychologist? Oh, God! Really drew the short straw, getting you as a neighbour.
Not as short as my straw.
Whatever.
Getting you.
Look, let's start again, shall we? Hi, I'm Stella.
Stella Morris.
- So? - And you are? - None of your bloody business.
- Oh, God, this is hard work! OK.
Michael.
Michael Jackson.
- Your name's Michael Jackson? - Oh, yeah.
Hilarious! And I bet you think you're the first person in the entire world to think it's funny.
Well, you're not! Turn your bloody music down! What? The woman's clearly a doughnut.
The bloke's a doughnut.
You want to slide down my pole, don't you? Mam? What? Stop it, you two! You're behaving like children! Ow! He is my next door neighbour and we seriously don't get on.
Stop right there! Lighten my load? Over my dead bodies! For God's sake! Give me mouth to mouth, mun! I'll take this one for the team.