TallBoyz (2019) s03e02 Episode Script

1 Hockey? It's for everybody.
It's the national sport.
The sound of the skates, putting the tape on the stick Double a was a right of passage in my town.
I played a lot of street hockey.
We called it ball hockey.
I played house league and triple A.
My parents couldn't afford equipment, So I played ball hockey.
I even did a stint in the Oh! - Ball hockey.
- Ball hockey.
Ball hockey.
I was never pushed to play sports, But I did play hockey Ball hockey.
I remember my first goalie pads.
I used homemade pads.
I would tape my mom's oven mitts to my knees.
My knees are permanently scraped From playing goalie with no pads.
After each game, my dad would always take us To Tim Hortons.
Good times.
My dad worked at a Tim Hortons.
Nothing beats slap-shooting that Hard orange ball into the net.
Aw! Clearing out the street when someone shouts, "Car!" I love ball hockey.
No teeth! I love ball hockey.
It's for everybody.
- It should be the national sport.
- Ball hockey.
Canada's real national sport.
And after a hard practice, I love to eat duck à l'orange, centre ice.
That's hockey.
Huh? What? Hey-yo, hey-yo, hey-yo Hey-yo ♪ Hey-yo ♪ Ugh, it's been nearly two hours.
I really want to switch positions.
Remember the Statue Buskers' Code Thou shalt not move into a new position Unless another throws a coin in thine plate.
A robot? Yes! John A.
MacDonald? Huh, I don't know about that! Are you sure you want to be dressing up like him given his history? Whatever do you mean? Well, as the first prime minister of Canada, He used his power for horrendous things.
Oh, I thought he was just the $10 bill guy.
The streets belong to the people! The streets belong to the people! Oh, finally, a crowd! We can get some coinage.
The government has oppressed us for too long through colonial policy and systemic racism! Hmm, that's weird.
They're giving that statue paint instead of money! The streets belong to the people! The streets belong to the people! They're taking down the statues! A system with racism at its core cannot have racism extracted from it.
Yeah! Whoo! You need to run for it.
No, I swore the Statue Buskers' Oath.
They're gonna think you're a real John A.
MacDonald statue! It is my responsibility to protect the precarious illusion.
Can you drop the method acting for a second? You're gonna get hurt! It's just a little paint.
A little more is not going to kill you.
Pull! Pull! Well, if I know one thing about mobs, It's that they never go after politicians.
They always go after politicians! Are you willing to die for this? I graduated from the Gilbert and George.
School of Performing Statuaries after auditioning four times! And so, unless another puts a coin in my pan, I will die in this position! Pull! Pull! Yeah! Woo! Look! John A.
MacDonald! He's responsible for the death of thousands of innocent lives due to his draconian policies.
Uh-oh, that can't be good.
It's time to remove archaic symbols of white supremacy and colonial violence! Yeah! It is my time.
Ahh There, that's enough change for you to get out of here without breaking character.
Now run for it! I'll do one better.
I will talk to these people.
Hey, you people! Wasn't it the great Queen Victoria who once said Down with the monarchy! Alright, time to bring up the a material.
Look All lives matter! Throw him in Lake Ontario! Yeah! Do you think we went a little hard on that guy? He was only jaywalking.
Hey, it's like I always say, "when things go wrong, I love my Baton.
" "When they pair you and me, "it ends in police brutality.
" Should I be hearing this? Right.
You! Tell us everything.
From the beginning.
Well, it all started earlier today.
I was trying to drop off cookies to my grandma's, and that's when I saw them: Teens.
Scary teens.
Teens? Were they up to no good? Started making trouble in your neighbourhood? No, not as such.
Did they Try to intimidate you? Having to pass by any group of teens intimidates me.
Why go through all this trouble to avoid teens? Because it makes me regress into a nervous younger version of myself.
I considered turning around and walking away, But then I thought, "what if they make fun of me for that?" I had to look confident, so I continued forward.
But in my mind, I thought I heard them say We're gonna mop the floor with you, boomer.
Yeah! What did they actually say? Hello, sir.
We're collecting litter.
Want to help us? Did they poke you with the stick? Uh, metaphorically they did.
The leader threatened me, so I ran.
But just my luck, it was a dead end.
I'd wandered into a cul-de-sac.
I had two options, Turn back and cross those teens again, or jump over a fence with a "beware of many dogs" sign on it.
What was I more afraid of, A rabid pack of bloodthirsty animals Or a couple dogs in a backyard? That was a big mistake! Yes, it turns out a backyard of dogs is much worse, heh! So I kept running.
I saw a manhole and jumped in.
So you went into a sewer? I was in there for hours.
I got lost.
Unfortunately, I wandered into my worst nightmare.
I was in the same place I started! So you attempted to steal that car? No, I was just going to borrow it.
I had to get away.
Hello, sir.
They started to ask me horrifying questions.
My name is Abigail.
Do you need anything? Are you diabetic? Can I get you something to eat? Sir, you dropped your cookies.
Oh! Oh, that's a weapon! Are you hungry for a knuckle sandwich? I can take you, you know.
Hello, police? Help! Help! So You called the cops on yourself? No, I called them on those teens.
But you were the one who actually committed crimes.
No You trespassed in that backyard.
Scaring those precious little puppies.
You're confusing me! You violated city by-laws by crawling through that sewer! And you took city sewage! What? It's just on me! How was I supposed to get around it? You stink of crime and fecal matter.
Does that mean I'm in trouble? Let me talk it over with my partner.
Nah.
Your story checks out.
Teens are scary.
Next time, do what I do Carry a gun.
Take mine.
And mine.
We have an infinite amount of guns.
They won't stop giving them to us! I'm alone in my bed now.
♪ Can't think with my head now.
♪ I think I'll lay my head down.
♪ No one cares about me.
♪ Blake? It's dad.
Just calling to say that, uh, we missed you at Christmas.
I love you.
I'm proud of you.
what does he know? ♪ I'm so alone, ♪ if I had a clone I'd still feel alone.
♪ No one gets me.
♪ Hey, Blake It's, uh, dad.
Have you, uh, been putting my voicemails on your album? It's very creative, but if I'm honest, It feels like an invasion of my privacy.
Anyways, I love you.
Proud of you.
Call me back.
Hey, dad, it's your son.
♪ Please call me back.
♪ I don't know how to act.
♪ My whole life is off track.
♪ Blake?! I'm so happy to hear from What a selfish bastard.
♪ Everyone left me.
♪ The world's cold like a deli.
♪ I'm sadder than Adele-y rolling in thedeep.
♪ Hey, Blake, it's dad.
You're probably gonna use this voicemail for your album Because you've been emailing me every five minutes.
Blake, it's your manager.
Everyone's saying you're refusing to answer phone calls in order to fill your album with voicemails.
Yeah, you know you need to write songs too, alright? I mean, if you don't have any ideas, we can delay the album again.
I have ideas.
♪ That's not true.
♪ Ski-ba-dee-ba-ba-doo.
♪ Something, something, I have lyrics, girl ♪ Blake, I just got the album you CCed me on with your father, and it's entirely voicemails, front to back! I mean, it ain't 2012 anymore.
This is a played-out hip-hop cliché.
Come on! Leave me alone! ♪ Blake? Dad! If you are mad or you are sad, you talk to me.
No more of this passive-aggressive voicemail business.
Dad, I'm sorry.
I got so caught up in this tone I created I didn't know how to get out.
Thank you for freeing me.
No worries, son.
That's why I'm here.
You're recording this, aren't you? Um Leave me alone! ♪ Car! Car, car, car! We'll rent a nice hockey rink.
Aw! We have the world's cutest baby.
Aww.
Oh my God, honey! He's so precious! Thanks for the ring set, y'all.
The colours are wild and it's mad challenging, too.
I can't get a ring on! It's almost bedtime.
We're sleep training tonight, right? Did you say sleepy train? I wanna ride that to sleepytown.
I hope your arms are ready to rock.
Yeah, I guess he's gotta learn how to put himself to sleep.
How I wonder what you are! ♪ Yo, it's crazy how that star just keeps on twinkling.
Great choice, y'all.
You ready? Yeah.
Let's do it.
Oh, I hope you stretched out those pythons I feel like I gained a few pounds today.
I know how you rock me night after night.
You the goat! Wait, wait, where you going? Wait, hold up! Why aren't I being rocked right now? I need motion to sleep! It simulates the womb! Why are you doing this to me?! I can't do this.
I'll just go in and rock him for a bit.
Honey, I know it's tough, but this is the technique.
We let him cry it out and we check on him every five minutes.
He'll eventually put himself to sleep.
I'm your son, your own son! Do you think he's mad at us? - I can't sleep! - It's just his instinct.
He doesn't have thoughts like us yet.
He's basically a little puppy making sounds.
Come in and pick me up! Pick me up! Oh, what's happening? You're the only one I can count on.
Everyone else stabbed me in the back! Argh! Alright, that's it! This is unnatural! Every other country co-sleeps.
Why aren't we doing it? Honey Look! It's weird how hard walking is Ugh! Wow, it worked! We sleep-trained our baby! Oh! Hey! Oh, he slept through the night! Wow, he looks like he's in such a great mood.
I guess we were overly worried.
Yeah.
Im 'a never forget this Watch your back, bitches.
She looks over to me like, "you're so strong!" Wow.
I'm telling you, the date was wild.
And you met her off Tinder? Yeah, man.
Oh my God, We went on a ferris wheel, we ate cotton candy, And I even won her a bear with my patented jump shot.
- Whoo! - Ooh, smooth! - Steph curry over here! - Hey, what can I say? She was amazing.
Yeah, let me see a picture.
What? Y'all met on Tinder, right? Let your boy see a picture! Uh, yeah! Sure, man.
Um, you know, these photos are really old.
She looks way better in person.
Why did I hand over my phone so easily? And why do I care what these guys think? I mean, I had such an amazing night with Dina.
Not many people are as lucky as I am, So I repay her love By handing over her photo for others to judge? I shouldn't need the approval of other men to decide Who I find is beautiful.
- Dang, she's a smoke show! - She's fly as hell.
Aw, thanks for the approval, guys.
I really needed that.
I mean, I might not call her back, though! Your boy's still a player! Oh! I'm a player! Hey, Nova, you still dating Veronica? Yeah, she's actually moving in next week.
- Whoa! - That's dope, man.
Veronica's like someone I can really talk to about anything.
Yo, who's Veronica? Is she cute? Yeah, she's cute, man.
Let your boy see a picture.
Um I mean, she looks better in person.
"Looks better in person"? What the hell am I saying? I care about Veronica so much.
She was at my dad's funeral.
She held me while I cried.
She even changed my dad's bed pan while he was in the hospice.
Dang, she's cute as hell! I mean, it's not like I'm wife-ing her or anything.
Your boy's still a free agent.
Oh, hey! Pierce "007" Brosnan over here.
Damn, I miss being single.
But it was nice to take the wifey and kids to the sandbanks last weekend.
And the kids played on the beach, And when we put them to bed, Mina and I slow-danced on the sand, sipping Merlot under the moonlight.
- That is so romantic! - Yeah! Let me see a picture.
- Of my wife? - Yeah.
Let your boy see a picture! Bro, you think I'm gonna pass you my phone so you can ogle my life partner with your disgusting perversion? You don't have a picture of her on your phone, do you? No, but I have one of her in my photo album.
I don't trust the cloud.
Hey! Oh, why did I hand it over so easily? Dang, she's sexy as hell.
Mmm! It's when we arrived as refugees to Canada with the clothes on our back.
Mmm, mmm, mmm! She looks sad and sexy.
Ha! So Are you seeing anyone, Tray? Nah! Your boy's still a free agent, from the cradle to the grave! Let us see your Tinder, then.
We'll give you some tips.
Yeah, I'm a Tinder God, bro.
You gotta let me see.
Um Oh, geez! My invasive need to judge other people based solely on their appearance has finally been turned on me! I guess I should focus more on loving myself rather than comment on what other people look like.
I think I'm finally ready to change, - to grow as a human being! - Damn, you look so hot! I look better in person, I swear! Welcome to class, everybody.
We are about to start.
I hope everyone's bladder is empty.
Oh, we don't need you to sing, we just need you to pose.
Oh, and Michael? Please disrobe.
Oh.
Hello! Aren't you Michael and Victor from Boyz B Boyz? And I'll show you all of my faces! ♪ Oh my God, I'm such a huge fan! - Thanks.
- Oh yeah, baby! Why'd you guys leave the band? I don't want to talk about it.
Well, we want to talk about it! Badboy! Cornrows! Tyler! Hi, guys! How'd you find me? You're the only man on the planet that has a face on his stomach! And you updated your location on Instagram.
You were supposed to be the heartthrob of the group.
Why'd you desert us in Prague? That was two years ago.
I have a new life now.
Dude, you left us, and we woke up the next morning - to this! - And this.
And this.
We made a promise to our fans to stay virgins and you broke that.
Why'd you do this? - It never happened.
- What? What about the groupies? And all the women the tabloid said you dated? It was all Victor.
Guilty! ♪ I can't get enough of that pussy! ♪ Okay Victor, he started doing it on the European leg of the tour.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Where's Victor? Hello.
Oh, hi! What's your name? I'm Juniper.
Juniper! ♪ I told him it would ruin our image, but he said he had his own life and that he wanted to live it.
Oh, hello! Hi, Victor.
You came.
Well not yet.
You're so funny! Hey, I don't want to die a virgin.
Get over here.
Being a virgin wasn't for him.
That's why you ran away.
I couldn't stay in the band knowing that I was lying to you guys.
He's a huge worrier.
He's got a lot of ulcers behind my brain.
I'm sorry we believed the tabloids.
And yeah, Boyz B Boyz did make an oath that we'd remain virgins But we also made another oath, a much stronger, more powerful oath An oath that we'd always accept each other, no matter what.
That's so sweet! What do you guys say? Can we have our heartthrobs back? It doesn't matter how far you stray.
♪ You're in my heart every single day.
♪ Hello! I love you, and our friendship I'll never quit.
♪ No matter if you're a virgin or are doin' it.
♪ You're my brother like no other.
♪ You can wait till marriage or have multiple lovers.
♪ Boyz B Boyz are back! Hey! I love you, Victor! I know you do.