Ted Lasso (2020) s03e02 Episode Script

So remember that the
client pays for the shoot,
but we pay for the overtime.
So whatever you do, don't go over.
But make the commercial as
good as possible too, right?
Um, yeah. Sure. Whatever.
Ooh, and I had an idea.
Maybe we could all have a picnic
together in the conference room?
Um, I can't make it.
- I didn't tell you when it was.
- I know.
Oh, come on, Barbara. Could be fun.
We could get to know
each other a little.
Maybe loosen things up around here.
Well, I've worked with this lot before,
and, um, yeah, this is
as loose as they get.
- Hmm. We'll see about that, Babs.
- Oh, no. Don't.
Yep. I felt that as soon as I said it.
All right, I'm headed out.
Everyone have a great day, yeah?
Oi, don't do anything I wouldn't do.
What wouldn't she do?
Good morning, Viet
Ted!
- Hey, look who's here. Hi, Keeley.
- Hello, Ted.
Whoa! Trent Crimm. Are you kidding me?
Hey, nice to see you, man.
You know, they got a big old
Ziploc bag full of your hair ties
down at the lost and found.
You should pop on down,
if you still want 'em.
Thank you. Mr. Crimm has requested
to follow the club this year.
Ooh.
- He wants to write a book about us.
- Oh, yeah?
I think there's a story
here worth telling, Ted.
Yes, and we all love the idea.
But obviously, as manager,
we thought you should
have the final decision.
Oh, okay, uh
I mean, geez, you know, like, um
No.
Whoo.
Sure, what the heck? Why
not? When can you start?
No time like the present. W
Except 11:11. That's my wishing time.
Or 23:11, if, uh, I'm at a
military base or Euro Disney.
- Right, well.
- Decision made.
Wonderful. Trent, welcome.
- Holy shit.
- Uh-oh.
Zava is leaving Juventus.
Whoa!
What about their kids?
I'm sorry. I didn't know what
any of those things meant.
I thought it was like Greek
mythology or something.
I was just lost. I just
went with that. Sorry.
Zava's a world-class striker who's
about to leave his club in Italy.
Ooh, cacio later, Pepe.
Apparently, he wants to
play in the Premier League
because his wife binged The Office
and she wants to live in England.
Ooh, I think you mean
Scranton, Pennsylvania, buddy.
No, the British Office, Ted.
Oh, that's right. Y'all
did a premake over here.
If we got Zava, that would be amazing.
He would be huge for the club's brand.
He's got like 90 million followers.
One time he just posted
the word "7 million likes."
It got 10 million likes.
Yes, but he is very expensive.
And isn't he supposed
to be a bit of a diva?
Yes, huge diva. Enormous.
He goes through teams like
you go through manicurists.
The fumes make me
dizzy, and I overshare.
Please don't print that.
Zava has played for
14 teams in 15 years,
leaving behind nothing
but chaos and trophies.
Beautiful, shiny trophies.
Yes, but, Leslie, who wants
to deal with all that drama?
Apparently, everyone who can afford him.
Chelsea, Arsenal, United, West Ham.
I say, let's just go for it.
I mean, maybe he's a handful,
but who doesn't love a handful?
I mean, if you're talking
salted peanuts, yes, please.
If you're talking Skittles
though, no, thank you.
You know, the dye melts, and
it gets all over your fingers,
makes 'em all sticky.
And that, you can print.
- Wonderful. Let's set up a meeting.
- Great.
- Let's go and get Zava.
- Yes!
- We're doing it.
- Zava dabba doo!
Yeah.
Here we go. Yeah, come on.
This is exciting.
So, am I to assume that
you're going to pursue
a notoriously mercurial player
you can't really afford simply
because the team your
ex-husband owns wants him?
No, no, no, no, no.
Yes.
Love that.
So, hey, come on. Talk to me.
What's it like being the boss of
your own Keeley Street Band, huh?
- Oh, I think it's going really good.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Good, good.
Well, I do wish that my co-workers
would loosen up just a little bit.
- Mmm. You want my advice?
- Yes.
Y'all should go out and
do something together.
You know, like outside of work.
- That's a great idea.
- Yeah, yeah.
Ooh, like, maybe I could hire a shaman
and we could do a bunch of
ayahuasca under a blood moon.
I-I was thinking something
like an escape room,
but, hey, Clamato Clamato, right?
- Yeah. Thanks, Ted.
- Good to see you. Yeah.
- Keeley!
- Yeah?
Isaac. Hi. You all right?
Yeah. Can you help me get a shoe deal?
Oh, I'd love to. Any
brand in particular?
No brands. Just shoes,
in general. You know.
Great. I'll look into it for you.
- Hi, guys.
- Keeley.
Hi, Keeley.
- Hi, Jamie.
- How you doing? You good, yeah?
Yeah, I'm all right. You?
Yeah, yeah. Not Not
bad. Yeah, yeah. Um, g-gym.
- Just went to the gym. So, yeah. Good.
- Good.
Uh Glad you're good.
Um, I'll see you later.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Bye.
- Bruv.
- What's up, man?
Whoa. Keeley and Roy have broken up.
What? Who told you that?
It's not "who," bruv.
It's "what." Kinesics.
Study of body language.
Just look at 'em.
No eye contact, Keeley's crossed arms.
Roy's clenched arse. It's science.
- What do you want?
- You and Keeley break up?
- Who told you that?
- No one.
I use body science.
Why? Is it true?
Hmm.
What's that fucking face?
It's called empathy,
you dusty, old fart.
Look, as someone who's been
dumped by Keeley, I get it.
- She didn't dump me.
- You dumped her? Why?
I don't want to talk about
it. Why'd you come in here?
Oh, let me guess.
You want to know if it's
okay to ask her out, right?
No, I was just I was just
seeing if you were okay, man.
Dickhead.
- What the fuck you doing?
- I was gonna hug you.
- Well, you came at me too fast.
- Jesus, sorry.
I forget how skittish elderly
people could be 'cause of the war.
Come on, man. I was just
trying to comfort you.
Well, I don't want comfort.
And I told you, I don't
want to talk about it.
So don't you say a fucking
word. Do you hear me?
Fine, I won't.
And don't you say a fucking
word about it either, William.
I No, no, I won't.
I I actually just went
through a bit of a breakup myself,
so I can somewhat relate.
Um, hey, maybe we should
all go out sometime.
Us three. You know, get a couple
drinks, couple pints, couple shots.
Fishbowls. Single guys club.
Or I can just not say a fucking word.
No, I hear you. I hear
you loud and clear.
Well, you are a sleepwalker.
I don't know what else
to tell you. Period.
Hey, Coach.
What are you doing?
Oh, just taking a peek at one
of these soccer strategy books
you always got your nose in.
What do you think?
Well, given the struggles I've
already had with the table of contents,
I think I might be best served to wait
until this son of a gun
comes out as a movie.
Hey, let me ask you a couple questions.
One, what would you
think if we sign Zava?
Ooh. That's good, right?
- Zava? Yeah.
- Okay.
Second question. Who is Zava?
He's a living legend.
You know who Zava is.
Mmm, beg to differ, Claudia Schiffer.
Now why you got me watching
the Veggie Dog Vigilante here?
Hey. Whoa.
No way.
Because that's Zava.
That's Zava?
Well, shoot. I didn't know
this fella played football.
Hey, I said football without
even thinking about it.
Boy, that book really works.
Ooh.
Ooh, 11:11. Make a wish.
- What'd you wish for? Oh, come on, Coach.
- I can't tell you that.
I just don't want our wishes
to cancel each other out.
- That's not how it works.
- Shut the fuck up.
- Take it back.
- Uh-oh, now what?
Take it back.
I can't take back things
that's already happened.
Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey! Fellas, what's wrong?
Coach, w-we just heard
the most upsetting rumor.
- Okay, is this about us getting Zava?
- Huh?
- What?
- We're getting Zava?
I just wished for that 30 seconds ago.
Whoa, whoa, wait, no, whoa, whoa.
Hold on a second, okay?
If y'all weren't talking about
Zava, what were you so upset about?
Is it 'cause Trent Crimm's
writing a book about us?
What?
Wait, Trent Crimm's writing a
book about Zava joining our team?
No, no. He's just coming here
to write a book about the team.
Zava's writing a book about us?
No, Trent Crimm.
Why would Zava write a
book about Trent Crimm?
Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Stop! Okay, hold on a second.
If y'all didn't know about Zava,
which may or may not happen,
and y'all didn't know about
Trent Crimm, which is happening,
then what were you so worked up about?
Roy and Keeley broke up.
Whoa, Coach.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Sorry, no, I'm okay.
Got a little light-headed
there. Yeah, thank you.
Fuck's going on?
- Aw.
- Tartt!
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
I didn't say anything.
I will fucking kill you.
No, I came in, and they was
talking about us getting Zava.
What? We're getting Zava?
Roy, do you want to talk about it?
No, I'm not talking about me and Keeley.
No, I meant Zava. Do you
want to talk about it?
Sure, he's nuts, but
he'll help us win games.
That time I was actually
talking about you and Keeley.
- Fuck's sake.
- Hey, uh, Will, come here a sec.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'm here.
- Hey.
I need you to run to my
apartment, go into my desk,
and grab my CD called
"Ted's breakup mix." Okay?
- Got it. What's a CD?
- Okay.
- Oh, boy.
- On it.
Hey, Coach, you gonna need my keys.
- I got a set.
- Right.
- Thanks. Don't worry about it.
- Okay.
Hey, Roy, look, we're
here for you. Okay?
We've all been dumped
before, right, fellas?
She didn't dump me. I broke up with her.
What?
This day couldn't get any worse.
And this is the locker
room. Hello, boys.
- I believe you all know Trent Crimm.
- Gentlemen.
The fuck is this prick doing here?
Trent's writing a book about our season,
so let's welcome him with
open arms and open minds.
Absolutely. Yes.
Oi! Listen up!
No one says a fucking
word around this prick
unless they want my forehead
through their fucking skull!
Don't worry.
Okay, well, um
we'll work out the specifics later.
Um, but until then, welcome, Trent.
Whoo!
I mean, fuck off, Trent Crimm.
And cut! Thank you, folks. Moving on.
Okay. Now the lamb chugs
a Cafka mini and poof,
turns into a smoking hot lion.
Great, b-but we can't actually
make the lamb drink
the Cafka mini, right?
- No, of course not.
- Okay, good.
We were told by the people in
the lab, the lamb cannot drink it.
Yeah, no, it will die instantly.
- Something about enzymes.
- Hmm.
I totally get it.
- I just don't think she does.
- No. I don't think she got it.
Keeley fucking Jones.
Shandy fucking Fine?
Oh, my God! I didn't
know you were doing this.
I didn't know you owned a skirt
that covered your whole arse.
Oi, you borrowed and never
returned many of those skirts.
And I never will.
One of the perks of living
with you and the girls.
- Oh, the girls! How are they? How's Chloe?
- Uh, married a footballer.
- And Emma?
- Married a footballer.
And what about you?
Married a footballer,
divorced a footballer.
And now I'm back here doing this.
But enough about me. I
saw you in Vanity Fair.
Fully clothed. And I cried.
I'm so proud of you, babe. We all are.
Proud of me? Why?
'Cause you made it out all by yourself.
What is that smell?
Oh, apologies, uh, lamb droppings
are one of nature's
most unpleasant aromas.
Just be grateful Clarice
here is over 30 days old.
A week ago, her poop looked
like sour, yellow toothpaste.
Ugh!
Oh, no, no. Don't try and sweep it.
No, you gotta pick it up
like sushi or it'll smear.
I was married to a footballer.
That's it. Cheers, babe.
- Hey, Keeley.
- Yes?
Jimmy and I think the
club feels too empty.
Yeah, it should feel totally packed.
I mean, can we get
maybe another 100 extras?
- A hundred more, right now?
- Mmm.
- Yeah.
- Um
You could just add a
strobe effect to the post
and let people cross close to camera.
It'll feel really packed,
and you won't have to
spend any more money.
- I love that.
- Let's do that.
Thank you so much.
Look at you. Basically
running the shoot.
Oh, maybe one day I'll
make it out like you did.
Yeah.
Hello, Mother.
Oh, my God, darling
I'm so pleased to hear your voice.
I dreamt last night
that you'd been murdered.
No, still here.
Wait, why are you in a hotel room?
I thought you were meant
to be on some three-day,
spiritual camping retreat.
I am. I'm not sleeping out there.
Far too many stars.
I keep thinking they're
all staring at me, you know.
No, but listen. I've got
some exciting news for you.
I spoke to Tish the other day,
and she's agreed to
consider meeting with you.
Wow! Your psychic has actually agreed
to let me pay her a lot of
money to speak with her? Amazing.
N Well, no. She's considering it.
But I think you meeting with
Tish would be perfect because,
well, you know, you are in desperate
need of some maternal guidance.
Just a minute.
There's a group of people gathering
outside for scream therapy,
which is my favorite bit.
So I'd better go now because
I mustn't use my voice.
- Bye-bye, sausage.
- But you called me.
I have an update on
the meeting with Zava.
Oh, great.
- Zava doesn't want to meet with us.
- What? Why not?
Uh, his people said,
"It would be a waste of time for
us and an embarrassment for him."
Oh, that feels like an
unnecessarily cruel response.
But, good news, Zava
is signing with Chelsea.
W-Why is that good news?
Because he's not signing with West Ham.
He came right out and said, "I
will not sign with West Ham."
Oh, shit. That's only going
to make Rupert want him more.
Uh, there's nothing Rupert can do.
Oh, great. Now you've jinxed it.
- But I thi
- No, it's too late. Jinxed it.
- But I do think that
- It's done.
- Well done.
- Oh.
Afternoon.
Hi.
Ah, Jamie.
Ah, no. No.
Looking good out there today.
Cool.
Ah. Thanks for sharing
your office with me.
Even if it was Ted's idea.
So, Richmond against Chelsea?
That will be your first time back
there since you retired. Right?
Right.
Sorry.
- Yeah, it's my publisher.
- I'll be quick.
Hey. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no. Well, I-I'm here now.
It's going very well, actually.
I'm just getting settled in.
Um, yes. Everyone's been, um
- - very welcom
- welcoming.
Yeah. No, I can hear that,
um that noise too.
Uh, I'm not sure if that's
my Is that me or you?
I Do you know what?
Bear with me. One moment.
I'll, uh, I'll take this outside.
- Is this right?
- It is.
Uh, yes. Your company
credit card arrived.
Awesome. Thank you.
- Do not use it.
- Okay.
Barbara, I would love
for you to meet Shandy.
- Hi.
- Oh, hello. Hi.
She's the newest member of KJPR.
Oh. Um, what position
has she been hired for?
She will be consulting
for affiliate management
and
- client relationships.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Would you have a-a seat,
uh, Shandy? Shandy, is it?
- Yeah. Sorry.
- So, uh, when I p
Just Yeah, just put it in
there. Put the sweet in there.
Um, well, I'd love to know what
experience you have in these areas.
- Uh, in relationships, tons.
- Mmm.
The rest of it, not much.
And where did you go to university?
- I didn't go university.
- Didn't go?
- No.
- Okay.
And what were you
doing right before this?
I was modeling.
Yeah. Okay, thanks, Shandy.
All right. I think I've got it.
So you've hired a former model
with no previous experience,
no higher education for a job
that doesn't exist. Lovely.
Well, welcome to the team, Shandy.
I'm so sorry. I'll handle this.
Barbara, I need a
minute to talk with you.
The way you just treated Shandy
was incredibly rude. It was hurtful.
- What?
- That is a massive amount of snow globes.
Oh, yeah. I-I collect them.
Well, you know, the firm sends
me from, um, company to company,
and yeah, wherever I go, I
just, uh, buy a snow globe.
It's a little bit silly, really.
No, I think it's incredibly charming.
You cannot speak to
people like that. Not here.
I know Shandy's my
friend, and you're right.
She does not have the experience.
But she is smart. She's
eager. I believe in her.
Like the firm must believe in you
to send you all over the world
to all those lovely places, right?
Maybe you and I can see how good
it feels to believe in someone else.
Together. Yeah?
Mm-hmm.
Client relations coordinator.
- Huh?
- That's her title.
Oh, good. Yes. Just in
case you hadn't realized,
I totally made up that
one I told you before.
Hello. Hi.
- Roy.
- No.
I understand your
hesitation having me here.
You're protective of the team, and
I admire how much they respect you.
It's not easy getting such
fulfillment from a second career.
I'm not sure I even
got it from my first.
Maybe you could just give me a chance.
Fuck off.
Wow, okay.
A new season begins and
hope springs eternal,
except perhaps for AFC Richmond.
They return to the Premier
League after a one-year absence
but are widely expected to
have a rather short stay.
Worse yet, their campaign
begins here at Stamford Bridge,
the home of the formidable
Chelsea Football Club.
To be promoted to the Premier League
is like going from a council
estate to the penthouse, Arlo.
Richmond should enjoy it while it lasts.
Gentlemen, welcome back
to the Premier League.
Ah, back where we belong. Pip pip.
Feels like we never left.
Here you go, lads.
Uh, Mae. I got the fish and chips.
I had the burger.
It's good to be back.
How's work? How's your friend doing?
- Shandy? Yeah, she's doing great.
- Mmm.
- Mmm. Good.
- Yeah.
She's just full of ideas.
- Oh, excuse me. Excuse me.
- Uh-oh.
- Thank you. Sorry. Excuse me.
- Any news?
Zava and Chelsea are
pretty much a done deal.
I have the confirmation of that
from a very reliable source.
Oh, what source?
A friend of my wife knows an agent
whose masseuse moonlights as an
airline steward on private jets.
Now she wasn't working today,
but her coworker who can read lips,
he saw Zava mouth the
word "Chelsea" a lot.
- God, I wish I could read lips.
- Yeah.
Okay. Has anyone seen Rupert?
Is there any sign of him?
No, Rebecca. He's not here.
And even if he was,
there's nothing he can do.
Oh, great. Jinxed it again.
Fuck you, you old geezer.
- Hello, Roy. Welcome back.
- How you doing, mate?
Uh, heard the news. Mmm.
I broke up with her.
Why? I mean, you guys
were perfect together.
Fuckin' Bruce.
Oi, that's Roy Kent.
- Roy!
- Roy Kent!
We love you, Roy!
He's here, he's there,
he's every fucking where,
Roy Kent! Roy Kent!
He's here, he's there,
he's every fucking where,
Roy Kent, Roy Kent! He's here
Now that's a lovely moment.
Chelsea fans letting their
former captain, Roy Kent,
know how they still feel about him.
Roy Kent, Roy Kent!
He's here, he's there,
he's every fucking where,
Roy Kent, Roy Kent
- Thank you.
- Oh, my gosh. Is that Zava?
There he is.
Look, it's Zava.
- Oh.
- Zava! Zava! Zava!
And the great Zava makes his appearance.
Will he be signing for Chelsea
today? What are you hearing, Chris?
Oh, all sorts of things.
The crowd, your voice, a slight ringing
because I bumped my head earlier.
Holy
- Jamie.
- What?
It's Zava.
- So what, man?
- My heart is racing.
I haven't been this nervous
to play in front of someone
since I was in El Chapo's youth league.
Move, man.
Oh, my God. I cannot believe it.
Wow, we're in the same city as Zava.
Thank God we dressed up.
The players are in position,
awaiting the referee's whistle.
And we're off. Another season begins.
Leslie, will you pull yourself together?
Hughes tries for Todd,
but Chelsea intercepts.
The Greyhounds are in
massive jeopardy now.
Oh, some invention. Look at that
pace. High-pressure football.
- And Chelsea on the board
- Fuck!
- with beautiful counterattack
- Shit.
against a reeling Richmond.
No!
Absolutely devastating.
Take off those fucking
hats. They're bad luck.
Same old shit.
- The ref blows his whistle
- It's all right.
for the conclusion
of the first half,
and it's Chelsea 1, Richmond nil.
You have to give Richmond credit
for hanging on as
long as they did, Arlo.
- Oh, that's beautiful.
- Yeah.
What now?
I might've jinxed it.
I knew it.
Would you please go and
find out as much as you can
from your vast network of
lip-reading massage therapists?
Okay. Pardon me. Excuse me.
Excuse me. Pardon me.
- Rupert's gonna land Zava.
- You don't know that.
Years ago, when I was
bartending in that private club,
Rupert and his then
wife came into the bar.
He was the life and soul of the party.
Buying rounds of drinks for everyone,
telling stories. Just charm personified.
And he left me a massive tip.
And then about a week later,
he came back without his
wife and asked me out.
- I, of course, said no. Then he left.
- What a dick.
But then he came back the next night
and the next night and the next.
And he would just sit at the bar
with a drink and chatted
to me until close.
And he just said, "It doesn't
matter if you ever go out with me.
It's just worth it being
here to get to know you."
It's a fine line between
stalking and romance.
Mmm. And after about six weeks
of that, he asked me out again.
And I said yes without any hesitation.
Because by that point
I just felt so lucky
because he wanted me.
He made me feel special. Chosen.
He made me feel like that.
Hmm.
Hey, fellas. Listen up.
We get one goal, we're right
back in this thing, yeah?
But right now, we are
being so unoffensive,
we might as well be a
Hallmark Christmas movie,
you know what I'm saying?
- What?
- What's that?
I mean, Coach, how many shots
on goal we have that half?
- One.
- Yeah, that's what I thought.
And that one was pretty much
a mistake. Am I correct, Dani?
Yes, it bounced off my face.
But my face almost scored.
Yes, it was close.
- Coach.
- Yeah, Jamie.
- One idea.
- What you got?
Right, so every time they're going
past the halfway line, they're just
Trent, hold on a second.
Roy, can I speak with you?
Oi, what the fuck's a
Hallmark Christmas movie?
Hey, look, man, I don't know
what your beef is with Trent,
but I'm gonna need you to order off
the vegan menu right now and squash it.
'Cause your ego's about to sabotage
a whole lot more than
a silly football match.
You feel me?
Thank you.
And Hallmark Christmas movies
are films that feature women
from the big city falling in
love with their childhood crushes.
It's usually some fella that
owns a Christmas tree farm.
Sometimes he's also
Santa Claus or a prince.
They suck, but they're great.
But they also mostly suck.
But they're also kinda great.
They're good with the sound off.
Now go fix this, please.
Crimm!
It's actually quite funny
when he yells at other people, innit?
Hold this.
"Newcomer Roy Kent is an
overhyped, so-called prodigy
whose unbridled rage and mediocre talent
rendered his Premier League
debut a profound disappointment."
Do you know who wrote that?
I was 17 years old.
This fucking wrecked me.
I thought I was being edgy.
I was just trying to
make a name for myself.
All I really did was, uh, look
for the worst in people. I'm sorry.
It's all right.
Give me that.
You know, it's funny.
- We had a lot in common back then.
- We did?
We both thought one another
sucked shit at their job.
And now look at us.
- Go.
- Yeah.
Oi.
- You can talk around this prick now.
- Oh.
Oi. Hold on, yo, yo,
Jamie. What were you saying?
Yeah, man. Listen. What I'm saying
is, every time we go past halfway,
they're just blocking up the
passing lanes, you get that?
Yes, yes. That's right.
They're not marking us.
So just keep dribbling
until they stop you.
Exactly! Let's take it all
the way and fucking win this.
Yes! Yeah!
Thank you, thank you.
Well?
I just got off the phone
with my son's karate teacher,
who used to date the woman
who ran Zava's avocado farm
- Oh, would you please get on with it?
- He might be going to West Ham.
- Shit.
- I knew it.
Rupert always gets what he wants.
You know what?
If Rupert can sweet-talk Zava into
joining his club, then so can I.
- Yes.
- Excuse me.
- Oh!
- Thank you. Sorry.
And we're back for the second half.
Chris, do you think
either of these teams
made any adjustments
in the locker rooms?
Oh, I'm sure they did, Arlo.
But professional athletes don't mind
adjusting themselves in public either.
Ah, hello there. Rebecca
Welton, AFC Richmond.
I'd love to see Zava. Thank you.
No one gets in to see Zava.
- I just saw Mr. Mannion
- Rebecca, my dear.
- Rupert. What a lovely surprise.
- Yeah.
- There you go, Mr. Mannion.
- Thank you, Matthew.
Oh. Congratulations, by the way,
on the win against Leicester yesterday.
Thank you. Yeah. We are so lucky
to have a manager like Nathan.
He's a gaffer who really understands
the game. Such an advantage.
- Ah, Zava.
- Ah.
Let me introduce Rebecca
Welton. My ex-wife.
And the owner of AFC Richmond.
Yeah, of course.
It's an honor for you to meet me.
- See you soon.
- Can't wait.
He will look so great
in claret and blue. Hmm.
You know, Rupert, I was
a little bit surprised
when you bought West Ham.
I always thought that Richmond
was your one true love.
Oh. Guess I'm just like any man.
Just get bored with
the same old, same old.
Good luck with this season.
You are such a fucking chickenshit.
I mean, if you were great, truly
great, you could play anywhere.
But instead you choose
a club like West Ham,
because it's big and shiny,
and you know that they'll win
whether you're there or not.
And you'll never have to wonder
if you're still as good as
you tell everyone you are.
But you and I know that you're not.
You're overrated. You're overpaid.
And you eat too much fucking asparagus.
Richmond's defending has
kept them in this match,
and they are one moment
of inspiration away
from going home with an unlikely point.
Well, Chelsea giving Hughes space.
If they're going to give him
space, he's going to take it.
Possibilities here. Hughes has options.
He slides it through to Tartt.
Is this the moment?
Obisanya's gonna have a go.
Oh! It's in, off the face of Rojas!
- Absolutely brilliant.
- Yes!
In the blink of an eye.
Would you believe it?
An historic goal, and it's 1-1.
My face scored a goal!
My face scored a goal!
Chris, have you ever
scored with your face?
I've scored with every
part of my body, Arlo.
That's a ridiculous question.
- That was amazing.
- Yeah, mate.
Do you think Zava saw?
Don't be a dick, man.
Come on.
Excuse me. Sorry.
Ooh.
Oi, how'd it go?
- Did you sweet-talk him?
- Uh, what's the opposite of that?
Sour-yell.
Yeah, I did that.
And Richmond managed
to secure a 1-1 draw
against Chelsea in this
gripping West London derby.
- There we go. There you go.
- They'll be leaving Stamford Bridge
with a well-deserved
point on the table.
Hello, everyone. Thanks for joining us.
Obviously not the result
we were hoping for today.
But I am certain that this
afternoon's announcement
will raise every Chelsea fan's spirits.
- Now, I know
- Still think we need to get to the office.
It won't be safe here.
Please welcome the newest member
of Chelsea Football Club.
Zava.
Welcome, Zava. Please take a seat.
All right. You just
sign. And there's the pen.
Please.
I have changed my mind. Zava
will not play for Chelsea.
Oh, God. I'm sorry. I can't watch this.
Zava will play for Richmond.
You twat!
- May I keep the pen?
- Sure.
What? Oh!
Oh!
What the fuck?
- You did it.
- Yeah.
- You did it!
- Oh, my God.
Yo! We've got Zava.
What?
We've got Zava! Look!
Oh! Oh, shit! Oh!
Fans are not gonna like this.
Zava! We got you, Zava!
We got you, Zava!
We got you, ra, ra, ra!
- All right, man. Take care, man.
- Take care.
- Zava is coming here.
- Ah, Zava.
What you up to tonight, Coach?
You wanna race-walk home together?
Uh, can't. Jane and I are gonna go see
her friend's immersive theater show
about the menstrual cycle.
Oh. All right, well,
I hope you're not late.
Please tell Jane I said hello.
I would, but, uh, she still finds
our relationship threatening.
Hmm.
- Night, guys.
- Good night.
Night, Coach.
What do you say, Mr. Crimm?
Heck of a first week, yeah?
- And we've only just begun.
- Mm-hmm.
- Good night.
- Night, Roy.
Hey, Roy. I'm just curious, what
was it like being back at Chelsea?
All them fans sure
were happy to see you.
I don't know. Just
felt sad. Or something.
Really? Why is that?
Last season I was there, we
played a match against Arsenal,
- and we fucking murdered 'em. Mmm.
- I remember, 3-nil.
Yeah.
But I played like shit.
Right?
I did.
That was the first
time, ever, I thought,
"I can't keep up anymore.
I'm not good enough."
And that was all I could think
about for the rest of the year.
I knew it was only gonna get worse.
So at the end of the season, I left.
Everyone was shocked. The club
was shocked. The fans. The press.
Yeah.
I didn't wanna be one of
them broken-down footballers
just taking up space
until they're dropped,
years after they should have been.
Yeah, well, a lot of
folks think it's better
to quit than to be fired, you know?
Yeah.
But going back there today
there's a part of me
thinking maybe I should have stayed
and just fucking
enjoyed myself.
But that is not who I am,
I guess.
Not yet.
Hmm.
But, hey, if you wouldn't
have left Chelsea when you did,
we probably never would have met.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Good night, Roy.
Sport.
It's quite the metaphor.
Yeah. It also makes for
a heck of a nickname.
Yeah.
- Night, Ted.
- Good night, sport.
Hmm.