The Almighty Johnsons (2011) s03e02 Episode Script

1 - Will you marry me? - Yes.
As Odin has his Frigg, Idun has her Bragi.
She will fall in love with Bragi like she has countless times over thousands of years.
You will be with Axl, but in your soul you'll always crave Bragi.
I'm Odin.
I can beat this.
Gaia? Shower.
You need to take a shower.
Hi.
- Zed, can you.
- Yeah.
I know how this goes.
I presume you got the same speech from your anointed oracle.
Where were you last night? I was walking around trying to make sense of this new world and all the weird stuff that comes with it and how one minute, the previous me is alive and the next, she's dead, and - now I'm her and-- - I called you - heaps of times.
- So much stuff, Axl.
I was.
I was walking, and I was thinking and You know what I decided? I decided that we should get married as soon as possible.
- Now? - No.
Not till I say.
- Now? - What did I just say? That it was okay for me too start destroying shit? - No.
- But I want to destroy shit.
I know, I can see.
Hey.
I have some news.
Some good news and some bad news.
Okay.
The news is that Gaia and I are getting married sooner than we thought, as soon as we can get a licence and all that stuff.
Okay.
The good news is that you get to host the wedding reception even sooner than you thought but the bad news is that you won't be my best man.
Sorry.
Okay.
Well, there's some bad news and some good news for you too.
Okay.
The bad news is the bar is now shut for business.
What? Why? Because the hitting us with the bar part of my life is now over.
But, where will we drink for free? Oh, you can add that to the bad news.
The good news is you get to find somewhere nicer for the reception.
- But that will cost money.
- Welcome to the real world, bro.
Catch you later.
Hey.
Oi.
Oi! Is breakfast ready? You know how last night you told me you needed to drink to to blot out the pain of breaking up young love? Ours is a thankless task.
And clearly one you're not good at given the marriage is less cancelled and more brought forward.
- Michele: Can I start now? - No.
No.
No, that can't happen.
So you keep saying but no one seems to be listening.
- What about now? - No! So? What are you proposing, oh, mighty oracles? Shit.
Michele, no, stop.
Not until I turn off the power! Are you okay? Michele: Yeah.
I'm good.
Good morning, Anders.
I hope you had a good night.
I may or may not have had what you term a good night, Dawn.
It's not really any of your business.
Okay, I'll forget about being polite for the rest of the day, shall I? That'd be good.
I didn't have a good night.
Oh, that's a shame.
Why are you telling me this? Tell me about your brother, Ty.
What about him? Did his cupcakes not hit your spot? Tell me about him.
He's a dark and mysterious figure like out of those mommy porn novels you like to read.
I don't read those sort of novels.
- Plus he's got a massive schlong.
- Uh, Anders.
What? What do you want to know? His life story? Sorry, I don't have time for that right now.
Be specific or be gone.
When I was at his place last night, I suddenly started getting these weird vibes.
Vibes? Yeah.
Hmm.
Well, that would be his schlong.
It sometimes acts like an antennae-- Oh, for heaven's sake, why do I even bother? I don't know and I don't know what it is you're talking about so I can't help you so don't talk about it again, whatever it is.
This isn't one of those god jokes where you say that now then it turns out, like, Thor has to be your best man and I don't even get invited.
I definitely don't want Thor.
I want you.
In that case, I'll think about it.
Kidding.
I am so in! Oh, my first ever best man gig.
This is like a dream come true.
And your first ever best man duty can be to figure out how we get married as soon as possible.
We could all go to Las Vegas.
- We can't go to Vegas, Zeb.
- Why not? Axl: We don't have any money.
Fair point.
(Unclear) Zeb: Okay then.
I'll go online then we should talk about the stag do.
Can't wait.
Who was that? The hospital is short staffed, - wonder if I'd cover a shift.
- You going to do it? - Yeah.
I think I will.
- Cool.
Shoot.
Oh, we need to talk to you.
- Can't stop.
- Oh no, I think you can.
Maybe not.
A spot of pruning, Axl? Yeah, that was me last night, when I thought that Gaia was with Anders but she wasn't.
Well, that's what you believe, is it? Gaia said she was walking around thinking and I believe her.
Totally believe her? 100%.
It doesn't get much more total than that.
Look, I know what you guys are thinking but if she was with Anders last night, why was she the one who suggested this morning that we bring the wedding forward? Well, we'd have to ask her that but she's not here.
Is she? - Have you asked Anders? - No, but I will if it stops this weird cop routine you've got going.
Cop routine? I have no idea what he's talking about.
Olaf: I made love to a police constable once.
She took shelter in my Commy doing the New Year's riot at the Met.
- Oh, that's a lovely story.
- Yeah.
- Hey, bro.
- Were you with Gaia last night? What? I have Ingrid and Olaf here and they think she was with you last night.
That's-- No way.
That's stupid, okay? I mean, no offence to your fiancée but I loathe her and she can't stand the sight of me so just, uh, just tell the oracles to start back off with that shit, okay? He says he wasn't.
Anders who lies for a living.
- Do you swear? - I swear on mother's grave.
Our mother doesn't have a grave.
She has a tree.
Or not.
I swear.
I swear to you, my brother.
Good.
Thank you.
Are you happy now? Only if you're happy.
And you don't look very happy.
It's because I'm sick of all this god crap! Gaia and I are getting married and if you don't like it, you don't have to come to the wedding.
In fact, I'd prefer it if there were no gods there at all.
Throw a god-free wedding.
Apart from Odin and Idun, of course.
The names are Axl and Gaia.
I can't give you more back if I've got no more work to give-- Gaia.
Hi.
Um, sorry.
I hope I'm not interrupting.
No.
Not really.
We'll talk about this later.
This conversation's not over.
Yeah, I know.
That's why I said we'll talk about it later.
All right.
I'll be outside.
- Cool.
- Living the dream.
Um, welcome to my office.
It's nice.
No, it's a shit hole but it'll do.
What brings you here? I didn't really know who else to go to.
And you chose me.
Well, it's just that you were so nice to me when you thought you were my handmaiden.
Which it turns out, I'm not.
Last night I slept with Anders and I felt really horrible and dirty about it so, this morning, I lied to Axl so that he would still love me.
I am the worst person in the world.
Best fun - ever.
- Good for you, hon.
Seriously.
How do guys not walk around with permanent hard - ons when they're smashing stuff? I don't know.
It's a mystery.
Just just be careful.
Yeah? - Careful is for pussies, Michael.
- Yeah.
- Hey.
- Hey.
The bar is not actually open but if you want a drink, help yourself because once this lot's gone, it's gone.
No.
It's a bit early in the day for me.
Really? Hey.
Have you spoken to Axl lately? Yeah.
Why? How was he? - Well, did you hear about the wedding? - No.
What about it? It's being brought forward.
Axl didn't say why.
- Do you know why? - Me? No.
Fuck no.
I'm trying to stay as far away from that happy couple as humanly possible.
It's not the human side of things that we're worried about Oh, I need a beer.
- I hate beer.
- No, you don't need a beer.
Speaking of things I hate.
Michele, the tough dyke look really suits you.
Be careful, Anders.
I'm very high on adrenaline right now.
I might break you in half.
Got yourself a winner there, Mike.
Was there anything in particular that you were after? No.
Nothing in particular.
There's this voice in my head that keeps getting louder just reminding me how mind-blowing it was.
I mean, every fibre, every nerve ending in my body was alive and then there's this voice telling me I need more.
Okay, even longer shot given it's Anders.
Any chance he got it out of his system? He's been sexting me all morning.
Oh.
my, that's really graphic.
Well, it's a good thing you haven't responded to any of them.
- Most of them, I wouldn't know what to say.
- Except, "ooh, yuck, no way.
Not ever.
" That's not what the voice in my head is saying.
Say no, Gaia.
Say no.
- You need to stop this.
- We need to meet.
- Gaia: No, we don't.
- Your response to last night is to marry Axl quicker.
- We really need to talk.
- I don't want what happened last night to happen again.
Neither do I which is why we need to talk.
Fine.
- Okay.
- Come to my apartment.
I don't think so.
If we meet, we need to meet somewhere public.
Sure.
Whatever you want.
To give him some credit, he seemed pretty genuine to me in his desire not to go there.
In the end, it doesn't matter what Anders does.
It is what the universe does to Anders.
Bombs away.
And let's face it, Anders acts on his urges a lot more than the rest of us.
And he has zero strength of will.
And he understands what'll happen to him if he hurts Axl, plus the thought of him and Gaia is - it's really creepy.
- Creepy doesn't matter.
Creepy or not, Idun and Bragi will always want to nail each other.
Incoming.
Okay, aren't you maybe overstating things here? Axl and Gaia, they love each other and we shouldn't underestimate that, as opposed to some spurious god power that maybe we're overestimating.
I wouldn't write off god power.
God powers are remarkably strong.
Huh, power's out.
Ow.
Fuck.
You all right? Fine.
Don't belittle our powers, Mike.
Within all of us, we possess great power.
It's our problems accessing those powers that renders us less than mighty but we've lost our remote control but if we could summon our powers at will then then we would be a force to be reckoned with.
So, are you still really going through with this wedding? Gaia: Yeah.
- Brave.
- Not really.
- It's what I want.
- Right.
- Even after last night? - Especially after last night.
- Right.
After everything we did last night? - Why? - Do you want to marry me? - Fuck no.
I can't think of anything worse.
Talking about having all the fun sucked of your life.
Well, the thought of ending up with you makes my skin crawl.
- You can't have the bride at your stag night.
- Why not? It's for stags.
Plus, I think it's bad luck.
Oh, I don't think it is.
And it'll be cool to have her at my stag do and it's better on nights out when she's with us.
- I don't know, man.
It seems all wrong to me.
- Let's just ask her.
She might not even be into it.
Gaia's voice: Hi.
This is Gaia.
Leave a message.
Hey, it's me.
Uh, give me a call when you can.
Must be busy.
You have a visitor.
Hi there.
She just kind of walked in, sat down and refused to move.
Dawn, can you go get me a coffee? You know, every time you want to have a conversation with one of your lady friends, you don't have to send me off for coffee.
- You can just tell me to go.
- Go.
- You're in my chair.
- Yes.
Which is kind of a provocative act.
This is provocative? I can think of a lot of things that are way more provocative than this.
- Good for you.
- But then, who am I? I'm just a businesswoman trying to keep her small business afloat in a sea of much bigger businesses.
Yeah, yeah.
I know.
The dog-eat-dog world of cycle couriering must just be.
Sorry, what's your point? My point is I know what you and Gaia have been doing.
How do you know about that? I was her handmaiden.
She tells me stuff.
Hey, I didn't want to, okay? Let's be perfectly clear on that.
I was driven to it.
She was driven to it.
We were driven together.
Twice.
Twice? Where do you think I was while you were climbing in my chair? Oh.
She told me it was a one-time thing.
I said to stay away.
Yeah, well, I mean, that worked about as well as your lame attempt to blackmail me, didn't it? I mean, that's what you're trying to do, right? Blackmail me? Maybe.
- You suck at blackmail.
- Well, you suck as a brother.
Okay, whatever.
Look, you and your deadbeats, you want to deliver my mail, go for it.
I've got two conditions: one, no white guys with dreadlocks because that's just wrong.
Currently employing none so all good.
- And two? - Get out of my chair.
What are you doing here? Right now at this moment? Oh yeah, I can wear this.
Hi.
I thought you were at work.
Um, we were uh I was We were trying on suit options from the house special for the wedding but even though this looks stupid, I want you to know that I'm taking our marriage very seriously.
I know you are.
Why don't I I wasn't at work today.
I wasn't walking around last night.
I lied to you.
And it's the worst thing that I've ever done.
Worse, I reckon then why I lied because I love you and I hate him but I couldn't stop it.
I can't stop it.
I'm so sorry, Axl.
I'm so, so sorry but this thing inside, it's bigger than me and it's stronger than me and I can't make it go away.
Stay here.
- Axl, please don't-- - Stay here!! - Hey, speed racer.
- Hey, fast lady.
- Hey, babe.
- Hey.
- You seem happy.
- Because I am.
You want a cupcake? Okay.
So, is this a general happy thing or is there an actual reason? There's an actual reason.
The reason being that I'm an awesome businesswoman who leveraged a situation to my advantage to score a big contract.
Not a multinational.
I don't like multinationals.
No, no, it's not a multinational.
It's more like a boutique P.
R.
agency.
- What does that mean? Like Anders' company? - Actually, it is Anders' company.
Why would he give you a contract? And when you say leveraged a situation what do you mean? Okay, I suppose there are those who might call it blackmail over the fact that Anders has been sticking his nasty thing in Gaia.
Oh, shit.
Where is he? Anders isn't here.
Is he at home? Where is he? Uh, he was here, he left, he didn't say where he was going.
Prick.
Nice chatting.
You do understand the meaning of the term "structural," right? If I destroy something structural, the building will fall down so I can't destroy stuff anymore.
Destroying stuff's fun.
There's a skip coming.
You can chuck all that shit in there.
That's fun.
No, see now, that just sounds like hard work.
- Do you know where Anders is? - Sorry? He's not in his office, he's not at home.
Do your Ullr thing.
Why? Why do you think? Oh, that is so creepy.
Tell me where he is.
- I'm not going to do that.
- Why not? Because I don't want you killing him.
Spoilsport.
We need to talk about this.
- What we? - The family.
Why? It's my fiancée he fucked, not yours! There's more involved to it, you know that.
That's why we need to all be on it, like a thing.
- No.
- Yes.
Because that is the way we deal with this shit, as a family.
Fine! Whatever! As long as the end of it is we kick his ass out of this family! Stay here.
If it helps, you are welcome to destroy some shit, as long as it's not structural.
Are you sure he wasn't using his Bragi powers on you? Yeah, I'm sure.
Man.
It sucks being a god sometimes.
Right from the word go for me.
Zeb, I need to make this right.
How? Fuck, I hate having you for a brother.
Well, you're not exactly Mr.
Popularity either.
- When has that never been the case? - You dick.
Fucking moron.
You couldn't leave it alone.
I tried, Mike.
- Obviously not hard enough.
- No, no, no, that's where you're wrong.
I gave it every fibre of my being.
And yet to no one's surprise, I came up short.
- So, what, you here to punch me? - Yeah, I'm thinking about it.
Go on then, take a shot.
The thought of me with that wet blanket, I'd punch me too.
Then why did you do it? You know, Mike, I thought you, of all people, would get it.
I couldn't stop it.
You try fighting something with thousands of years of history behind it.
I mean, at least with Helen it was fun 'cause she was kind of a cool chick, albeit with issues.
But bloody soppy Gaia.
It's just the Bragi vessel doing my godly duty whether I wanted to or not.
You know, I hope that when Axl finds his Frigg that they fancy each other 'cause it is going to suck for him if he doesn't.
At least the sex was spectacular.
Ow.
Fuck, Mike.
You know, the couple you should be slapping are the ones who think chucking a ring on her finger is going to make this thing go away.
I bet Anders is totally into heaps of kinky stuff.
I mean, he's like this sexual windup toy.
This little scrunched up face going all red as he hammers away.
It was the weirdest thing.
Dawn and I are getting on like a house on fire, then she walked away.
When I turned around, she was looking at me like I was some kind of monster.
- Which you're not.
- Not anymore.
The thing is, I was talking about icing and I wonder if that set off some kind of connection in her head.
You know, icing, ice, Hod.
No.
Not even the universe would make that leap, Ty.
Yeah, well have you got a better idea? She was standing where? - Here? - Yeah.
And you were You turned away, she turned away.
Something changed.
Where was she when you turned back? Uh over there, by the ice carving room.
Has Dawn ever been in that room? Only when Eva locked her in and she almost died.
You'd have to imagine that might leave something of a scar on the subconscious.
- Yeah.
- What about with Ty? It would be intense and animalistic.
Hmm.
Axl? Oh, I could teach him a thing or two.
- I should have guessed.
- Hey, Mike.
Everything is falling to shit.
Do you know that? You're talking about Anders and Gaia, I presume.
Yeah.
What are you doing? Having a party? Oh, god.
Get help, people.
But you cannot uncrash the train once the train has crashed.
No.
But you can deal to the dead and the dying.
Anders, Anders, Anders.
Drop it, Grandpa.
All I'm saying is there's no point in keeping it bottled up.
It's not healthy.
Let Anders know exactly how you feel.
But you already know that.
Axl, easy.
That's how we do this.
Just chill the fuck out for now, okay? - Michele, could you - I will leave you boys to it.
Okay.
We all know that Anders did an unforgiveable thing.
- Gee, nice opening, Mike.
- You would do well to shut it right now.
We all get that.
- Even Anders gets that in his own way.
- Like fuck he does.
- He made her do it.
- What? No, she was totally up for it.
- Anders! - He used his Bragi powers on her! - No, I didn't.
- In a way, he did.
- You see! - Hey! Look, only by being Bragi, which is different to using Bragi.
I mean, why would he need to use it if it was a done deal by being it? Listen.
Listen.
Idun, Bragi.
As long as the two of them inhabit the same godly post code, they will find a way to knob each other.
Gaia could have lost her face and all her limbs to leprosy and Anders would still find her irresistible.
Yeah, okay, Grandpa, point made.
It's shit, mate.
- But I believe it's the truth.
- Because it is the truth.
And you and Gaia are going to have to deal with it now.
How? I don't know.
But we will do whatever we can whatever you decide to help you through this.
Bro you need to know that I'm not proud of what's happened here, okay? And I know what you all think of me but I'm going to fight this thing.
Every step of the way.
Whatever it takes.
'Cause there were times there when I was with Gaia and I felt like I was floating above everything, looking down.
I was thinking, What am I doing? - I am balls deep in Axl's fiancée-- - Anders.
Axl.
Anders, you dick.
You've built quite a talent for taking a moment and trashing it, Anders.
- Anders, you okay? - No.
Holy shit.
- What the fuck, Axl? - Michele! - Fuck.
- Michele! Anders.
Anders.
- Keep pressure on the wound.
- Anders, buddy.
- Anders.
- Oh, shit.
- Where are you going?! - I've got to get something.
Olaf: Hang in there, bro.
Open your eyes.
Anders.
Open your eyes, bro.
- Anders! - Anders! - Hey! Axl.
Where you going? - Anders! Where you going?! Axl! Damn it.
Anders.
No, no, no, no, no.
- Yes.
- Okay, I've got it.
Just give me a line so I can get an ambulance.
Anders.
Anders.
- Don't need an ambulance.
- What? Oh, I really hate blood.
Oh, yuk.
Go Iggdrasyl.
You owe me, midget.
He'll live.
With any luck, he'll be brain damaged but given that most of his blood resides in his dick probably not.
You can thank me later.
That was impressive.
I can't believe, of all your brothers, I saved Anders.
So how long have we had this skill? Actually, two.
I saved Axl when he was sick.
No, three.
Ty.
I brought him back from the dead when he was becoming not Hod.
In fact, you are the only brother I haven't saved.
You could be an only child if not for me.
So is this what Colin meant when he said you were the most powerful goddess in town? Was he wrong? Why didn't you tell me about this? Don't you have more important things to worry about right now? Not a good idea, Anders.
- Anders: I'm fine.
- You lost a lot of blood.
Anders: I am fine.
- Axl.
- Yep.
- You need a hand? - No.
We shouldn't laugh.
Yes, we should.
Anders is fine.
But all that blood.
We live in an age of miracles.
The point is you can come out of hiding.
Do I have to? 'Fraid so.
'Cause this is nowhere near being sorted.
What if I try and do it again? What if I try and kill Anders again? I mean I can't control that stuff when the Odin thing takes over, Mike.
But don't you think that sounds a lot like a couple of other people right now? And you absolutely know how it pains me to side with Anders.
So what am I meant to do? - Stand back and let them go for it? - No.
No, you don't deserve that.
Gaia doesn't deserve a fate like Anders.
Then what? We'll figure something out.
Come on.
That's my stick.
Give it back.
I just saved your life with it, you ungrateful little shit.
Thanks.
Now give me my stick back.
The only way you're getting this back is rectally.
Ooh, yeah.
I nearly froze my bollocks off in the Arctic Circle for that stick.
Now give it back.
Actually, cutting your bollocks off could be a good solution to this whole Idun issue.
It's a figure of speech, Granpa! That stick belongs to me.
Didn't you call it a useless stick of uselessness and throw it in a cupboard? That doesn't matter.
It's still mine.
Okay.
Well, - come and get it then.
- I will.
Olaf: Put it right in his ass.
Hi.
No, stay.
- You might as well, in case I lose it again.
- Lose what? Doesn't matter.
It's not going to happen.
Such a mess, eh ? And it's all my fault.
No.
No, it's not.
Is it, Axl? No.
Axl and I have talked about this, and stuff happened tonight that's made everyone realize sometimes you can't blame a person for giving in to forces that are much stronger than they are.
I guess.
But if I hadn't have become a Idun, then none of this would have happened, right? No one is blaming you for that.
That's not what I said.
I said if Iounn hadn't have come into the picture then everything would be cool right? That can't be changed.
Yeah, it can.
By removing myself from the picture.
No.
- Yes.
- No way.
No.
Minus me solves everything.
Gaia killing yourself is not an option here.
Killing myself? Of course that's not an option.
Get with the real world, okay.
I mean removing myself, leaving.
I've always wanted to travel.
Now seems like a good time.
I'll come with you.
No.
Axl that's not going to work.
I need to be as far away from gods as I can get.
And that includes you.
I'm sorry.
Zeb and I found some good deals to London.
Travel agent to the gods, me.
The rest I'll just make up when I'm there.
My own way.
It's the right thing to do, Axl.
Please, say you understand.
I understand.
Please say you'll spend one last night with me.
- My cue to leave.
- Me too.
Yes, please.
I'm fine, I'm fine.
I feel great.
I feel like I dodged a bullet.
Given the alternative is you bleeding out on Mike's floor, yes, you did.
We should celebrate.
Let's get a drink.
You know, strictly speaking, this should be getting old.
Oh, but it so isn't.
It won't do anything for you.
Unless you want to beat me to death with it.
Why would I want to do that? Godly fit of rage? In case you hadn't noticed, I'm not really the fit of rage type.
The lover, not the fighter.
So how come it works for you? Ask Ingrid.
Some mumbo jumbo about Yggdrasil and wound's and life, blah, blah.
It's a chick thing.
Why didn't you tell me about it? It's a chick thing.
So what are you going to do about it? Me? The way I figure it, you can make a big deal about it or not.
It's your stick, not mine.
Just use it for good, not the dark side.
Always been my plan.
I wonder if it's got the power to make you take your clothes off.
Joyous.
I'm quitting my life Cold turkey I'm saving up for a stall on a beach Far from your reach Even if it takes a long time My hands, they start shaking Even if it's harder than I thought it would be It's what I need I'm quitting my life cold turkey I'm saving up for a stall on the beach Far from your reach