The Carmichael Show (2015) s03e02 Episode Script

1 The Carmichael Show is taped in front of a live studio audience.
Hey, Dad, Donald Trump is the president of the United States.
That's crazy, right? I mean, it still looks like an ad for The Apprentice to me.
Hey, Cordell.
Tony I see that salt and pepper in your hair, man.
You gettin' up there, boy.
Dad, how often do you come to this army recruiting center? Well, I come here about once a week.
I like to drop off doughnuts, show my appreciation.
You haven't taken Mom on a date in six months, and you come here once a week? I bring your mama doughnuts, too.
Wait a minute, is that Kevin Wilson? I didn't know he joined the army.
Oh, you mean that kid that lived down the block? Well, so it is.
Well, give him a doughnut and thank him for his service.
No.
I don't like Kevin Wilson.
None of us do.
He's an arrogant bastard who used to beat Bobby up all the time.
Okay, come on, man, I mean, we scrapped a few times here and there.
You know, it was mostly fifty-fifty he'll win some, and I'll win some.
Oh, no, Bobby, you never won.
Remember, you had to transfer schools just to get him to stop.
Yeah, he did used to whup your ass.
Well, I'm sure he's changed now.
They're not gonna let some violent man who likes to bully other people into the army.
What are you talking about, Dad? That has to be, like, 75% of the army.
He got my friend Stacy pregnant and has done nothing to help raise that kid.
He used to wear his sunglasses on the back of his head.
He drinks Monster Energy drinks.
The man's a terrible person, case closed.
Yeah, well, he's a troop now.
And those uniforms, they're like a cloak of forgiveness.
Even the worst troop is better than the greatest civilian.
If I were walking home tonight and I got jumped by a troop, I would be thankful I gave him the extra training.
Kevin.
Mr.
Carmichael.
(laughs) So, when'd you join the army? Just finished basic training last week.
- Hey, Bobby.
- Hey, man.
All right, quit playing.
- Hey, Jerrod.
- Kevin.
Thank you for your service.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you for your service.
I'm not thanking you for your service.
You used to beat my brother up.
This guy? We just always used to have fun.
No, you didn't.
Look at his face; he is terrified right now.
No, I'm not.
I'm cool.
Jerrod, quit bringing up old bidness.
Now, Kevin, I am proud of the man that you have become.
And we all know you're gonna go out there and kill all the bad hombres and make us proud.
Thank you, Mr.
Carmichael.
You know, I just woke up one morning and felt there was a greater calling for my life.
I decided to join something bigger than myself.
I wake up before the sun rises just to get to work protecting this country from threats you can't even imagine.
You just completed basic training.
You learned how to do sit-ups and make the bed.
I don't expect you to understand the type of responsibility this takes, Jerrod, but you don't have to.
Because there will always be people like me to take care of people like you.
Kevin, what's the real reason you joined the army? Was it the easiest way to get respect you don't deserve, or are you just trying to avoid fatherhood? You don't have to answer him, Kevin.
He is just a scrawny, rude civilian.
It's cool, Mr.
Carmichael.
Jerrod, for starters, I joined because I love my country.
Loves his country.
And I wanted to give something back.
Give something back.
You know, make a sacrifice.
Sacrifice! Daddy, it's like you're his hype man.
Jerrod, no more disrespecting Kevin.
Kevin is a good soldier on his way to achieving greatness.
Now, thank him for his service and give this man a doughnut.
Fine.
Kevin, thank you for your service, you arrogant deadbeat dad.
Hmm, um, cinnamon sugar or jelly? Do you know how un-American you are right now? Now, why don't you just go up to Arlington and piss all over JFK's eternal flame? Cynthia come on in here so we can shame Jerrod.
What's going on? Joe, what happened? You remember Kevin Wilson, the boy that used to live down the street? The same Kevin Wilson that got my friend Stacy pregnant, and then abandoned her and the baby.
Oh, Kevin, he's the worst.
I saw Stacy crying in the mall just the other day 'cause she couldn't afford to buy her baby a pretzel.
I wanted to help her, but it was so sad and messy, I didn't want to get involved.
Well, Kevin was the worst, but now he joined the army.
He's a troop now, Cynthia.
Oh, Kevin is a troop now.
Well, God bless him, and God bless America.
Wait, wait, wait, weren't you just talking about how sad it was that his poor, abandoned child couldn't get a pretzel? Kevin is fighting for the country now, Maxine.
I guess that pretzel is the sacrifice that baby had to make.
Well, Mama, Jerrod refused to-to thank Kevin for his service.
Instead, he cursed him out in front of everybody.
- It was crazy.
- JERROD: No, no, no.
I think it's crazier that Bobby thanked him after Kevin used to beat him up all the time.
Look, Jerrod, everybody knows this.
You have to thank a troop for their service.
That's just the way you do things, okay? Look, let me tell you what happened to me.
Nekeisha slept with a Marine last week, okay? As he was leaving, I thanked him for his service.
You did the right thing, Bobby.
Be patriotic.
Well, maybe it's my fault that I let you boys form your own opinions when I should have been ramming my opinions down your throat.
Should have seen this coming when you got suspended from elementary school for refusing to say the Pledge of Allegiance.
It is ridiculous to ask a kid to pledge allegiance to anything.
They wanted me to vow loyalty to a country six months after I found out Santa Claus wasn't real.
This is America we're talking about.
It's not like we ask you to say the Pledge of Allegiance to some crappy country like Slovakia.
That would be ridiculous.
I mean, I don't even think they got a pledge in Slovakia.
If I lived in Slovakia, I'd kill myself.
Joe, you can't call Jerrod unpatriotic just because he didn't thank some guy who sounds like a real jerk.
And I love that Jerrod didn't pledge allegiance to the flag when he was a kid.
I think the most patriotic thing an American can do is question authority.
Well, I think the most American thing for Americans to do is to shut up and do what the American leaders tell them to do.
JOE: Jerrod, by not thanking Kevin for his service, you have spit in the face of all the brave men and women who are at war right now fighting for your freedom.
You don't even know what you're talking about.
Do you even know who we're at war with right now? Of course I know who we're at war with! Iraq, Iran, um Eurasia.
I'm pretty sure we got some boys over there in Pakistan and that Afghanistan.
You got to watch them 'stans.
Them 'stans will sneak up on you.
Oh, Daddy, what about Aleppo? There's something going on in Aleppo.
Oh, yeah, Aleppo, too.
We got a lot of bad guys we got to get out of that Aleppo right now.
Oh, yeah, I think we're gonna have to just wipe out Aleppo completely and, uh, start over.
I mean, uh, it's a shame, but we got to do it.
You know, it's fine to just say "I don't know.
" It don't matter who we're at war with.
Just know they had it coming.
What?! They had it coming? I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Did you forget that we invaded Iraq over a lie? Oh, please, spare me the "we invaded Iraq over a lie" nonsense.
I told you why we went! Iraq had oil.
Now, these terrorists were gonna do bad things with that oil.
So we had to go over there, stop them, get the oil, and return the oil to freedom.
Mission accomplished.
Look, America does a lot of terrible things, but we'll never improve as a country if we get called un-American every time we criticize it.
You know, when I was in college, I made a point that we shouldn't celebrate Columbus Day anymore because of all the terrible things that Columbus did to the Native Americans, and then someone spray-painted the word "Communist" on my car.
Good.
They should've slashed your tires while they were there.
Look, Maxine, it was either the Native Americans or the real Americans; one of them had to go.
Yeah, and we took all of their land, but we named a lot of our sports teams after them, and I think that's nice.
Look, does this country have a history of doing evil things? Of course.
But there is a necessary evil.
And that has led us to being the greatest nation in the world.
Okay, but, Dad, you can't just excuse all of America's injustices.
I mean, do I need to bring up the elephant in the room? We are black.
Oh there it is.
Now you done played the slavery card.
Dad, it's not a card, all right? It's a real thing that happened.
I just think, when it comes to slavery, you need to see the big picture.
Dad, are are you about to defend slavery right now? Joe? Daddy? I am not defending slavery.
Slavery is the darkest shame on the history of America.
Oh, good, thank God.
Whew.
Took a turn there for a minute.
Yeah, I was worried.
- However - Uh-oh.
let me just say this.
If it hadn't been for slavery, we'd still be in Africa.
Probably starving to death.
Probably wind up on one of them infomercials begging some family from Ohio to sponsor us for 98 cents a day.
What what kind of food can you get for 98 cents a day? What are we sending them, a pack of gum? Uh-oh, Jerrod? Kevin just pulled up outside.
What is he doing here? Well, Jerrod offended him, and he's come for revenge.
Now, the parent in me wants to protect you, but the patriot in me is thinking you probably deserve what you're about to get.
Joe, he's going into his trunk.
What if he's got a gun? Oh, no, he's just putting his coat away.
J-Jerrod, you'd better hide, okay? Kevin fought like a soldier in middle school.
(knocks on door) Okay, should we be nervous? - Sorry to intrude, Mr.
Carmichael.
- Ha-ha! Kevin! Come on in, come on in.
Listen, Kevin, I know my son is a coward, and I should step aside and let you punch him in the face, but just know this I have just lectured him on the importance of loving his country and supporting all the brave men and women who are sacrificing for us in all branches of the Armed Forces.
Mr.
Carmichael, I'm actually the one here to apologize.
Hello, Mrs.
Carmichael.
Hello, Kevin.
Thank you for not murdering my son.
I wanted to talk to you, Bobby.
I just want to say I'm sorry.
I never saw myself as a bully, but I thought about what Jerrod said and I apologize if I ever did anything to hurt you.
Thank you, Kevin.
That means a lot.
Just when I thought this man couldn't get more heroic.
And, Jerrod, no hard feelings about the way you acted.
Oh, no, Kevin, I thought about it and completely cool with the way I acted.
Kevin, I couldn't be more proud of you if you were my own son.
And if there is anything I can do while you are over there fighting for your country, just name it.
I appreciate that.
Just name it, Kevin, and I will claim it.
Because Joe Franklin Carmichael supports the troops.
Well, there is one thing I need.
I'm being deployed to Afghanistan tomorrow and I haven't been able to find someone to watch my dog while I'm gone.
Ooh, a dog? Ooh, a dog sounds fun.
Hi, I'm Maxine; no one introduced me 'cause they were afraid you were here to kill Jerrod.
Joe, tell him we are not dog people.
We're not into dogs like that.
Oh, don't worry about it.
I know it's a big ask.
No, no, no, no, no, Kevin, there's not an ask too big when it comes to my dad, especially with the military.
In fact, before you got here, he was just lecturing us on the importance of supporting the troops.
Ain't that right, Dad? Man, it would mean a lot knowing Lincoln was safe while I'm gone.
This dog is my heart.
Lincoln? Your dog's name is Lincoln? That is a patriotic name.
What type of dog is it? Golden Retriever.
Dad a Golden Retriever.
Kevin, it would be my honor to watch your dog.
Oh, seriously? Thanks, Mr.
Carmichael.
You saved me.
The six months will fly by, I promise.
I'll go get him out the car so you can meet him.
Joe, are you crazy? Yeah, Daddy, you hate dogs.
Yeah, but we've never had a dog before.
Because we hate them! We ain't gonna have a problem with this dog.
We're just gonna serve our country and protect Kevin's dog 'cause it's the right thing to do.
(barks) Oh, God, he's hideous.
CYNTHIA: Joe, I'm coming down the stairs.
- Is the dog tied up? - He don't need to be tied up.
Joe, put the dog outside.
You know I can't stand dogs in my house.
He's not an outside dog, Cyn.
Kevin said, "This is not an outside dog.
" It's an outside dog if you put it outside.
You can't turn an inside dog into an outside dog.
That's like gay conversion therapy.
You just need to accept him the way he is.
Joe, there is a spirit inside this dog that just is not right.
Last night while we were making love, he came inside the room and watched us.
And his eyes rolled up in the back of his head.
Well, next time, we'll just close the door.
Well, he's just gonna sit outside and listen! So what if he listens? He can't tell nobody 'cause he's just a damn dog.
Joe, I can't believe that you are doing this.
We had a happy home until you brought this evil, perverted dog up in here.
I don't want him here, either.
I'm just trying to prove a point to Jerrod.
I-I'd rather this dog maul both me and you than have that lanky bastard thinking he's right.
What if Kevin dies? Are we gonna be stuck with this dog forever? Well, if Kevin dies, then we put the dog outside.
Hey.
So, how are things going with the dog? Oh, we love this dog.
That is not a dog.
That is a demon.
That has a demon's spirit, and I want it out of my house! Well, your mama's taking a little time to get used to the dog, but we're gonna have a good time with this dog, I can tell.
CYNTHIA: Oh, Joe! You're letting him lick all on your face.
It makes me just want to throw up! Well, I can't help how the dog choose to show his damn love, Cynthia.
- Oh - Dad, you know you don't have to keep this dog if you don't want to.
This is what loving your country looks like, Jerrod.
Dad, just admit it.
You're not doing this because you love the troops; you're only doing it to prove a point to me.
This really isn't about you, Jerrod.
This is about the brave men and women who are fighting for our freedom.
I am a proud American.
I will do anything I can to support the troops.
Hey, y'all.
I've been calling you.
Why you ain't pick up the phone? We had to unplug the phone.
Every time it rings, we have to give this dog an anxiety pill, and they cost $75 a bottle.
Well, I was trying to tell you about Bobby.
What about Bobby? He went to join the army.
What? Oh, no, my baby! He's too frail for military life.
And he's definitely the type to get PTSD.
He already screams in his sleep now, and that's just if he ate something spicy.
We're not gonna let him do this to himself.
Wait a minute, what happened to loving the military and supporting the troops? Well, that's what the doughnuts are for.
They make us feel less guilty knowing we never had to make any real sacrifices ourselves.
Look, everybody has a limit.
And my limit is taking care of that creepy dog.
There, I said it.
You happy now? Actually, yeah, it's incredibly fulfilling.
Joe, go bring my baby home.
I will.
He got friendly fire written all over him.
Bobby.
Daddy? Bobby, what are you thinking? What are you guys doing here? We came here to tell you that joining the army is the biggest mistake you gonna make in your life.
Dad, why are you telling me I'm making a mistake? You didn't tell Kevin he was making a mistake.
Okay, I see.
I know you're looking at Kevin thinking he's a hero, thinking you can be one, too.
But heroes need regular people to save.
Bobby, you are not Kevin, okay? I don't even like him, but he's built like a soldier and you are built like someone made for customer service.
Look here, okay? I'm not trying to be like Kevin.
Then why are you here? - Because of you.
- What? (sighs) Look, growing up, I always wanted to make you proud.
And it seemed like it never happened, not even once.
And I see the way you look at Kevin and all these soldiers around here.
And I realized this was my opportunity to become the son that you always wanted and make you proud.
Bobby, why are you wasting so much damn time trying to make me proud? That's why you never accomplished anything.
Look at your brother.
He don't give a damn what I think about him.
He's right.
I don't.
In fact, I usually ask myself "What would make Dad proud?" - Then I just do the opposite.
- See? And that makes me feel ashamed of him.
We got a thing and it works.
(sighs) But I love the way you talk about this country.
It just makes me want to be a better American.
I do love this country, but I don't trust your life in the hands of this government.
I love you too much.
Now, look, I know you're looking around this room, seeing all these posters, getting all hyped up and inspired, thinking you can do anything.
But you can't.
You wasn't made for the battlefield! Look at this man.
This is your president.
I voted for him and even I know he's crazy.
There are gonna be so many wars.
You could die out there.
And so could all these people up in here, too! And for what? Nothing! Everybody's gonna die for nothing! We-we, um, we're just gonna get out of here.
Uh thank you guys for your service.
Thank you for your service.
Thank you for Cordell, is it? Thank you for your service, Cordell.
All right.
(emotional music playing on TV) WOMAN: All across America, helpless animals are brutalized and cast aside, condemned by their abusers to a life of agony and pain.
But for just 20 cents a day, you can help end their suffering.
You can save their lives.
Don't ignore these victims' cries.
Call now and be a hero to an innocent animal today.
Don't you worry.
Don't you worry at all, Lincoln.
(sniffs) I'm gonna save you, okay? (sniffs) You are coming home with me.
Lincoln, look at me.
I'll be your hero.