The Cleveland Show s03e02 Episode Script

A benign yet ambitious wind surges through the trees.
The air smells sweet, and cool.
A storm is coming; a hurricane; a wet earthquake; a flying tidal wave; bad stuff on Fox.
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show.
Now, food, I don't want you to take this personal, but you're going Down-down-down-down-down Down-down-down-down down-down Down-down-down-down down-down Down-down-down-down Cleveland? Ah! Cleveland, we're only gonna be on the cruise for a week.
I really don't think it's necessary to throw out everything in the fridge.
Maybe you forgot about the last time we left unattended food in the house.
Oh, my God! It wasn't my fault! It-it it was an accident.
I'm sorry.
No! Wait! Cleveland, that did not happen.
Oh, Donna.
When the imagination dies, can the soul be far behind? Federline just DM'd me on my Twitter.
Sick! Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later, dressed the way you are.
No, fool! He sent me a message.
There's something on TV we need to see! We interrupt this program to bring you an urgent weather report.
Good evening.
I'm Dwayne Meighan the news.
Time for run or take covers! Max the Weather Dog has prediction hurricane approach will had becoming fast approach on Stoolbend greater area at this time.
This hurricane name Flozell.
Oh, finally! A black hurricane.
Big, large wind blow, and-and the rain had be come soon.
Buckets full all wet.
For longer detail we have Larvell, my friend.
Larvell, my friend? So, this is wild, man.
What I heard was, due to global warming, the storm's gonna be here for a while, then in Quahog about in like a half-hour, then supposedly after that, it'll go to American Dad town.
Dwayne? Thanks you, Larvell.
Please remember viewers, every person and individuals advised to leave and ejacuate Stoolbrend greater area until further notice something okay, come on home.
Stay dries.
Sweet pies and category fives! Kids, we are blowing town now! This is what we trained for! Go, go, go! Nobody's going anywhere! But there's a hurricane a-coming! Are you out of your mind? Trust me, Junior.
This "hurricane" as they're calling it, is just overblown media hype, like Swine flu or Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Besides, when was the last time a hurricane ever did any real damage to anything? And no one say Katrina.
See? We'll be fine.
Okay, thanks for calling.
Well, everyone, I've got some bad news.
Fox won't let us do the Joseph Gordon-Levitt joke.
Aw.
Aw, man; that was funny.
But he's so terrible.
Typical.
Apparently he's doing a big summer movie for them, and they don't want us making fun of him.
Oh, and the cruise has been canceled because of the hurricane.
No, oh SPF-this! All that waxing for nothing All that waxing for nothing.
Oh, baby, I'm so sorry.
I know how much you wanted to see Florida from a distance.
It's the only humane way to experience it.
Sorry, kids.
Maybe next year.
Aw, man.
I've been working out for weeks to get pool ready.
Check it.
I'm friends with Roger Clemens' wife's doctor.
I was going to hook-up with a sexy Cuban towel boy.
And it wouldn't be cheating on Federline, because the Internet says sex doesn't count if it happens in water.
That's true, by the way.
- Oh, I know.
- Oh? I guess we'll just go unpack.
No! That's just what the suitcases want.
Look, if we can't go on the cruise, then we'll just have the cruise right here in the house! House cruise! (The Love Boat theme music plays) All right, what else do you do on a boat? Well, let's see: you throw up from seasickness, throw up from too much rum, throw up from food poisoning Food! To the all-you-can-eat buffet! Where'd the food go? Look, clearly someone threw it all out.
Let's not point fingers.
I'm sure whoever I am feels bad enough.
No biggie; I'll just run down to the market.
So not gonna make it to the market.
Maybe we should have evacuated, Cleveland.
Why didn't you listen to the TV? The TV always knows what's best! Okay, fine.
We'll see what it says now.
Outside wind you can see sideways blow rainy condition.
Streets had been closed, and businesses with the boards on window protect glass.
Bad weather.
For additional inflammation here goes Mayor Box, from undisclosed location at Flamingo Hilton, Las Vegas.
And this hurricane is, uh, pretty (bleep) serious.
It's a category four or some.
So, if you didn't evacuate when we (bleep) told you to, then stay inside until the (bleep) passes, or you'll probably (bleep) die.
Box out.
Food food hungry food There's nothing here! Donna, how could you have let this happen?! Me?! You threw out all the food! I just cleaned out the refrigerator! Why is the pantry empty? Don't you ever go to the market?! Okay, first of all, stop calling it "the market.
" You're not a white woman in 1956.
It's called a "grocery store.
" And second, I go every single day on my way home from work.
Every day? That's right.
You go to The Stool: I go to Kroger's.
I have some free wine, see my friends and pick up 24 hours worth of food.
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Only the elderly and Artie Lange buy food one day at a time.
Cleveland, it is the only time I get to myself.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to the bathroom.
And leave me all by my lonesome? Okay, come on.
Yay! We're all gonna die! Everybody calm down! Let's all join hands and ask God to protect us from the storm.
Dear Lord uh Junior, what are you doing?! Get over here and pray with your family! No, thank you.
But the storm! Yeah, I don't think praying is going to make the storm go away.
You don't think God's going to help us?! Nope.
I don't believe in God.
What?! I don't believe in God.
You should not say such things, boy visiting from down the street! Okay, he's mine! You know that! Junior, how can you not believe in God?! What? I said, "How can you" You know what? Let's go in the kitchen.
There we go.
Now, how can you not believe in God? Well, I started questioning things when Mom said Jesus forgave her after her affair with Mr.
Quagmire.
It just seemed too easy.
So, after a while, I decided to not take Journey's advice, and I did stop believin'.
So, you're an athe an athe I can't even say the word! Atheist.
No, I'm not.
Atheism is a religion, too.
And those people are the worst.
You remember Brian Griffin back in Quahog? The dog? Yeah.
Remember what an insufferable d-bag he was about it? Of course I do, son, but Christianity makes sense: a virgin had God's baby, who then grew up to be murdered by the (clears throat) Romans, so you and I could be forgiven for Eve eating that apple she got from the talking snake.
Three days later, Jesus rose from the dead to tell everyone he was coming back someday to fight the Devil; then he flew up to his mansion in Heaven where he sits in judgment of the gays! How can you not believe that?! Just don't.
But this is a Christian home! Then how come we never go to church? Church is for those in need, Junior.
You don't go to the doctor when you're healthy.
And now there's a hurricane.
Miss Donna, why do you believe in God? I'm a black woman in the South.
That's it.
I'll be in my room.
Cleveland, do something about him! All right, let me pray on it.
I'll handle this.
I've converted all my friends at school, and I'm pretty close to breaking Mrs.
Lowenstein.
Man, can you imagine if I turned a Jew? Wow.
Ha! I finally beat you, you stuffed animal! Hey, Junior.
You mind if I come in? Be my guest.
I heard what you said downstairs.
Heartbreaking stuff, man.
It got me thinking about how much you and I have in common.
Really? Mm-hmm.
I used to be just like you.
Lost.
No direction.
I was a real troublemaker.
Then one day, I pushed things too far.
Drew on the wall with a crayon after Momma told me not to.
Oh, no! That was the day my luck ran out.
Got put in a time-out-- ten to 15-- mandatory minimum.
That's hard time for a kid, time I'll never get back, so I prayed for forgiveness, and Jesus entered my heart and changed my life.
It was divine intervention.
You drew on the wall the next day.
In the name of the Lord.
I'm talking about faith.
I believe that the man who created the entire universe knows my name and cares what happens to me.
Do you know what that is? Narcissism? That boy's as stubborn as a-- what do you call that thing that's like a little horse? A pony? Are you serious? A baby horse.
A mule.
Junior-- we have to save Junior.
Time to break out the big guns.
Oh, Junior.
Hey, son.
I was just sitting here, playing this old organ I dragged up from the basement, and thinking about the Lord.
Something to do.
Oh, Junior, you kids today have so many distractions, with your iPods and your Furbys and your Classmates.
com.
You probably don't even realize how cool Jesus is, but let me tell you, son.
Give me a beat.
Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh There was a hole Was a hole In my life In his life And now it's filled with Jesus It's filled with Jesus There was a hole Was a hole In my wife Hole in wife Her hole's filled with Jesus, too That came out wrong My cup is filled by my redeemer I'm the coffee, he's the creamer Worship him or he'll damn you all to Hell! Whoo, praise the Lord! You know, the Bible says that when two or more are gathered in his name, he will be there, too, and I can feel him here tonight! Amen.
You listening, Junior? He is here in this room, and he wants you to know he can work miracles in your life.
He raised the dead, he healed the lame He helped me win my T-ball game He turned water into wine Not Boone's Farm, the fancy kind Worship him or he'll damn you all to Hell! Whoo, I'm gonna dance now 'cause I ain't a Baptist.
There was a hole Was a hole In my life In his life And now it's filled with Jesus It's filled with Christ The coolest guy from Bethlehem Misunderstood like Eminem His throne sits past the pearly gates I pray to him when I'm two weeks late With a term paper.
If you're stuck with kids that act like pills He finds a man to pay your bills He loves you, but he will damn you to He loves you, but he will damn you to He loves you, but He will Damn you to Hell Damn you all to Hell! Yay! But no.
What were we thinking, doing a huge production number with no food in the house? Stupid, stupid.
I'm so hungry.
Ugh, oh, that's nasty.
Dumb fern.
Don't eat that.
Hey, Momma, I know I've been off the boob for a few years now, but you think maybe you could work up a little something for old time's sake? I'm sorry, baby, but these are just for show now.
The only thing they produce is stares from Asian men at the bank.
We're going to starve to death.
Hey, where's Junior, and why isn't he in here trying to eat one of us? I bet he's hiding food in his room.
Of course.
Now, maybe this is just the severe hunger talking, but let's get that bloated son of a bitch and rip his arms off! Junior, how could you hoard food from your own family?! What? I'm not hoarding food.
I'm rationing it.
I don't know the difference! Look, I knew the storm was coming because I'm the only one in the house who pays attention to the news, so I stocked up on essentials.
I took everyone's BMI and daily caloric intake and rationed enough food for each of us to eat for four days.
Nerd.
I care about you, okay, and you come in here and accuse me of hoarding? You know what? If you're so hungry, why don't you just pray for some damn food? How dare you mock the Lord in the middle of a natural disaster he created! And then deny food to your starving family! You betrayed us, Junior.
May God bring his wrath upon thee! He's being waterboarded by nature.
What do we do? I-I can't get him out.
The tree's too heavy.
And that's the way it is.
Friday, May 19, 1978.
Oh, no.
He thinks he's Walter Cronkite again.
Man, that's some CBS.
From Dallas, Texas, the flash, apparently official: President Edmond Fitzgerald Kennedy died at 1:00 p.
m.
Central Standard Time.
Two o'clock, three o'clock, four o'clock rock.
Happy Days.
Sunday, Monday, Tom Bosley.
What are you doing? My phone's not working 'cause of the storm, so I'm journaling my tweets.
Everyone, grab onto the tree and see if we can lift it.
Not you, Junior.
Yeah, step back, heathen.
But But nothing.
This is your fault.
My fault? How is it my fault? You got some bad mojo going on, brother.
This is what you get when you make God mad.
No, this is what you get when you ignore the warnings of the National Weather Service like a dumbass and think you can ride out a hurricane! And so Vietnam and hippies and Watergate and braless low hangers.
Just back off, Junior.
One more time.
The camptown ladies sing this song Doo-dah, doo-dah The camptown racetrack's five miles There I am.
Thank you.
Junior, my boy.
Come here, son.
He sounds bad.
How are we going to get him out? We've done everything we can, Junior.
We're just going to have to put it in God's hands.
That's a pretty good idea because God is doing such a great job with the whole world right now, sarc mark.
Damn it, Junior, stop it! I know it might not make sense, but that's what faith is: standing in the face of adversity and believing that everything's going to be okay.
Well, excuse me for not believing in things you can't touch, see, or measure.
Junior, Han Solo didn't believe in the Force, but he didn't think Luke Skywalker was an idiot for believing in it.
But the Force Is what, an unseen presence from which one draws strength and inspiration? How is that any different from what I'm talking about? You just blew my mind, Miss Donna.
Life is hard, Junior, and when reason and logic run out, all you have left is faith.
Believing that something greater than myself is watching over my family gets me through the rough patches.
It gives me peace.
Why would I choose not to believe that? Cleveland! Aah, ant on the branch! There's an ant on the branch! He's red! Hey, Lord, how you doing? Some weather, huh? I know Cleveland and I don't always get along, but he's Hey, my Frisbee-- it's in the tree.
I got my Frisbee back.
Thanks, God.
Perfect.
Now maybe without the extra weight of that Frisbee, I can do this.
Aah, hernia! And Lord, I ask again that you hear our prayers, and if it be your will Mama, did you see that? The tree moved.
God heard our prayers.
Junior.
Daddy, I'm so glad you're okay.
If you died, I don't think they'd let me live here anymore.
Probably not.
Junior, I know it's been a rough day and I don't want to embarrass you, but once again, as with everything else in your life, God has made you look like a fool.
Huh? God answered our prayers and got Cleveland out from under the tree.
But Don't you see, son? God does exist.
He was here tonight in this room.
You just witnessed a miracle.
Well, not really.
It was science, basic engineering.
I did it.
But God showed you how to build that contraption.
No, I learned that in school.
God built the school.
Immigrants built the school.
Christian immigrants.
I'm out.
God bless you.