The Conners (2018) s03e02 Episode Script

Wow.
The pandemic, the presidential election, and Halloween all happening at once.
Throw in five dumb teenagers in a cabin and you got yourself a horror movie.
"The voting booth isn't working.
I'll just go outside alone in the dark to fix it.
Aaaaah!" Mesdames et monsieur, your attention, please.
It's 2020, so get ready to trick-or-treat in style.
COVID style.
Ohh! Wow.
"Cursed nurse.
" Is that because you're underpaid and stuck in a box? No.
She's a cursed nurse because her mother told her she could never be a doctor, so she became a nurse.
And then she killed her mother.
And now she wanders the Earth punishing mothers who never thought their daughters could successfully run a restaurant.
- Mm! - Ohhh! Mark's a gumball machine.
I didn't know how to make that about my mom.
Well, but it does promote gum.
That's perfect for all those kids with questionable diets that just need that little push to get across the diabetic finish line.
Well, I love the costumes.
Unfortunately, the mayor just canceled trick-or-treating in Lanford this year.
- Aw! - Oh, no! Yeah, it's the same clown that banned drinking in the park.
Why else would you go to a park? I'm sorry.
We'll double up on trick-or-treating next year.
It's fine by me.
I know this costume protects me from COVID, but seriously, this thing has no air holes.
I don't care about COVID.
I really wanted to do Halloween.
Now I don't have anything else to look forward to! What happened there? The mayor canceled Halloween.
Oh, that sucks.
You think Mary's okay? Hard to tell.
I'm used to my kids being upset and disappointed, but it's rough when you see it in a well-adjusted kid.
Hey, I can't blame her.
When you're a kid, trick-or-treating's the best day of the year.
We used to have so much fun looking all raggedy, going to the rich kids' neighborhood for pity candy.
Remember that stuck-up family that put out that bowl that said, "Only one candy per person, please"? Oh, yeah.
I-I think I still have that bowl.
You know what? We have a few minutes before work.
I'm gonna go check in on Mary.
Hey, gumball! I forgot to ask you how's it feel to be back in school? Um, it's only a couple days a week, but it still sucks.
At soccer practice, we take turns kicking a ball.
One kid kicks it, then they wipe it down, and then they give it to the next kid.
How's everybody at school dealing with social distancing and the masks? Good.
While we're in class.
But the minute we're outside, people get stupid.
Yesterday, I was walking home and this kid I hang out with sometimes, Colin, was with some other kids and he started hassling me.
He told me to take off my mask.
I said no, and he said, "What are you afraid of, Pelosi?" Smart kid.
He knows about the Senate.
She's the Speaker of the House, but, yeah.
Then Colin said his dad said wearing a mask is just a way to scare people into staying home, and that could cost him his job.
What'd you say? Nothing.
I just kept walking.
Okay.
Good for you.
I guess.
I mean, I-I wanted to say, "I'm not afraid.
I'm wearing the mask to keep other people from getting sick, including you.
" But Mom said that I should just ignore them.
Okay, that's one way to go, but you got a right to say what you want, too.
I mean, even if Colin doesn't get it, you may change somebody else's mind.
Yeah.
I felt really weird not saying anything.
I'm gonna do that.
Did Mary come back through here? No, why? She's not upstairs.
I couldn't find her.
All right, all right.
We'll spread out.
She's got to be here somewhere.
What, you can't find Mary? No.
And D.
J.
's gonna be mad if we lose her.
When you've only got one kid, you get super attached to them.
But you have three kids.
Weren't you attached to We had one favorite and two backups.
You kids figure it out.
3x02 Halloween and The Election vs.
The Pandemic Hey.
How did you know where I was? Oh, I used to come up here all the time when I was mad.
What were you mad about? Living here.
But you're still living here.
Yep.
Still mad.
You're bummed about Halloween, right? Yeah.
Oh, don't worry.
Your dad'll come up with something fun for you to do.
No, he won't.
He works all the time.
I'm alone a lot.
A lot? I mean, I know he got promoted, but I didn't think he was working that much.
A lot of times, he doesn't get home till 8:00.
I've already made myself dinner by then.
Oh, wow.
So you're you're, like, alone all day? That's so hard.
What do you do all day? Well, after online school, I have my TV friends.
Oh, yeah? Who's that? You know "Friends.
" Rachel, Ross, Monica, Phoebe, Chandler, and the dumb guy.
Oh, yeah.
I never watched that show.
The title turned me off.
"Friends.
" That seemed like a lot of pressure.
I wish I was here more.
There's always people around.
But when I go back and forth, it's hard because I always forget my stuff.
Yeah, well, I know this isn't easy for you, and I really think we should talk more about this later.
But right now, I gotta get to work, okay? So come on back inside.
Can you stay up here with me for a few more minutes? Sure.
Oh, man.
Things never change.
That right there is old lady Carlson hanging out her laundry.
Oh, wait a minute.
That's got to be her daughter.
Hey, I look great compared to her, right? Well, you don't have the hump.
And I've got a personality that lights up a room.
We've only been working here for four days.
We're gonna get in trouble.
Put the phone down.
No! D.
J.
's gonna want to know how upset Mary is.
"Voicemail is full"? Who the hell wants to talk to D.
J.
? Oh, that's kind of fun.
Unless something bad happened in Cutting and Forming, in which case it's terrifying.
Or there's an immediate opening for one of us in Cutting and Forming.
Pretty cheerful for a guy who just lost a hand.
Oh, you know what? We definitely have to do a Halloween thing for Mary.
Yeah, that'll solve the problem now, but sounds like D.
J.
isn't around much.
And we just can't leave her hanging around her house alone.
You know what? I only see one option.
Until Geena gets back, we gotta move her into the house.
Wow.
I don't know if I can make that time commitment, with Beverly Rose and all.
Well, I mean, if we're both looking after her, I think it'll be okay.
Okay, how about this? You be the hard-ass aunt, and I'll be the fun aunt who says, "Isn't the other aunt a killjoy? Let's hide a fish in her car.
" Sure.
And since it's already an overcrowded flophouse upstairs, she can live in the basement with her fun aunt.
You mean like a live-in babysitter? I mean, whatever you think is best for Mary.
Between Ben and Jackie and Dad, somebody'll be there during the day until we get home.
Yeah, if we bring some of her stuff over from D.
J.
's, I think she'll be happier.
And we should leave a note.
Um, "Hope your business trip was successful.
We're taking your only child to live with us.
" Yeah.
We'll deal with that when we see him.
I'm just trying to imagine how I would feel if someone wanted to take one of my kids to live someplace else.
Don't say a word.
I'm just trying to savor it.
Oh, crap.
It's Mark's school.
He got into a fight and they're suspending him for two days.
They sent him home.
Oh, man.
That's too bad.
He was gonna be the good one, right? It's nice to know someone else is having a worse day than you are.
Here you go.
Oh, my God.
Are you okay? I'm fine.
Well, who beat you up? Why do you assume somebody beat me up? And for your information, Colin's the one who ran away crying.
Uh, okay, great.
You won.
That doesn't make it any better.
You're not supposed to be fighting.
Sometimes you can't help it.
Man, I remember my schoolfightin' days.
Yeah, back then, you gals used to carry razor blades in your beehives.
Uh, I didn't need to carry razor blades, because I had truth and justice! Okay, so why were you fighting? Colin was being a jerk about me wearing a mask, - and Grandpa Dan said that - Oh, I should've known.
- Dad! - No! No.
Grandpa Dan said that I should talk to him and explain my point of view.
Okay.
That's a surprise.
Never mind! I was telling Colin all about the science and he wouldn't listen, and I called him an idiot.
And he hit me, and I hit him back, and he was so surprised, I had another chance to hit him.
I told you, do not waste your time talking to people like that.
It only leads to violence.
But Grandpa was right! It felt good to talk back.
Oh, man.
You see, what Grandpa did was he set you up for a really bad situation.
I'm gonna deal with that later, but put on your jacket.
Why? I'm taking you out to dinner.
Is that my punishment? Taking me out to a restaurant during COVID? No, we're trying to make Mary feel better.
Casita Bonita turned their parking lot into outdoor dining, and they put this nice tarp up, so you don't even notice the possums staring at you from the dumpsters.
Who told you they were open? Louise said they were doing dinner.
I guess she got the date wrong.
So why did we drive all the way to Chicago? Because Chicago is known for its great restaurants.
We got a Costco hot dog.
And split a churro.
Let it go, Darlene.
Let it go.
Why are you wearing a costume? And why are you dressed as Elsa from "Frozen 1" and not "Frozen 2"? Because I bought it when "Frozen 1" came out and I was broke during "Frozen 2.
" And because we are going trick-or-treating! Really?! We are?! We're gonna die.
We're not gonna go outside.
We're gonna do it here.
And behind each door of the house is either a trick or a treat.
And you're going to have to knock on all of them to see.
Thank you! This is so cool! Where do we go first? Why don't you start with the front door? Wait, but that door just leads outside.
Don't do it, Mary.
It's a trick.
They just want us to pick up the beer cans in the front yard.
Try the front door! That was so great, babe.
Oh, yeah.
Stick it.
Oh, I hurt some stuff on the doorjamb.
These are the doors three! Is it a trick or treat that ye shall see? Let's try the bathroom door.
Are you sure? Because once you open it you can't undo what you've unleashed! Brownie good.
Take more! No other kids coming.
Eat slow.
Frankenstein have to change costume again.
Oh, sorry, kids! I didn't know you were up here.
Uh, this is my new boyfriend, Jack Jacked Up! A pun can't change tenses, Harris.
It's Jack or it's Jacked.
That's not a legitimate play on words.
What do you say about that, Jack or Jacked? Ohh! Okay, that was cool.
Oh, don't forget this door.
It's a bathroom used by six people! I'm a towel that hasn't been washed in years! Help me! And use bleeeeeach! One last door.
You do it.
I'm scared.
Open your bags! Enjoy.
We ruined the neighbor's leaf blower for this.
The whole wall looks like it has ants all over it.
Oh, my God, it does! Those are real! Oh! Damn ants again? Yeah.
They never give up.
I tell ya Aah! Aah! Giant ant mandibles of death! Aah! Help me! Help me! Happy Halloween! And operating the giant ant mandibles like she's been doing it her whole life, my lovely assistant Harrisa.
Whoo! I'm gonna go out back and freak out the chickens now.
More Halloween! Daddy! Hey, sweetheart.
You're early.
We've been trick-or-treating in the house! That sounds like fun.
Uh, why don't you guys head upstairs and count your candy? I'll be right up.
Thanks for sending me something like that in an e-mail.
You moved my daughter out of the house while I was out of town? Are you freakin' kidding me?! Oh, hey! Deej! Check it out, huh? I'm Wolfman Puck! Where's your costume? I'm a father whose kid's being taken from him.
Seems a little dark, but here's a bag for your candy.
Go get the stuff you took from my house.
I'm taking Mary home.
Come on, D.
J.
She's not happy.
You don't tell me when my kid's not happy, Becky.
You've been a parent for like a minute.
Well, I talked to her.
And now that you're working so much, you're not around and she's really sad.
You were sad as a kid, and you're fine.
I mean, you're functioning.
I'm making this work.
I-I just had some glitches, that's all.
This promotion's probably gonna fund Mary's college.
But she says she's alone all the time.
She's not.
I pieced together some friends from the base to come and look in on her.
They But they keep getting re-stationed.
They're not wrong, Deej.
Right now, Mary's a latchkey kid.
Plenty of kids are latchkey kids.
When we were kids, there was always somebody at home to watch us.
That's because your mother and I loved you guys.
And we couldn't hold down a steady job.
I could've used a little less love and a little more Calvin Klein jeans.
Look, we're all proud that you got promoted, son.
But why not let her be with us during the week? Yeah, it's just till Geena gets back from overseas.
Come on, Deej.
You're a great dad.
It's just, you're only one person.
And, you know, I think this is what she wants.
Mary, hon? Can you come down for a minute? Hey, Dad.
Tell me the truth.
Would you be happier staying here with your aunts most of the week? Will you be mad if I say yes? I would be mad if you lied.
I'm never mad if you tell me the truth.
Then yes.
Okay.
Thanks for being honest.
Keep doing Halloween, and I'll pick you up on Saturday.
I love you, Daddy.
I love you, pumpkin.
Oh, I know this has got to be hard.
You're doing the right thing.
Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
This is only temporary.
I'm gonna figure this out, and then she's gonna be back to living with me full time.
Happy Halloween.
Hey, man, you don't have to go! Come on! I'm making hot chocolate.
We're finally gonna try it with milk.
You always wanted to know what that tastes like.
It's okay.
I gotta get up early.
Thanks.
That was rough, but we're not done.
We gotta talk about what happened with Mark.
I know what happened to Mark.
He tried to explain his position to the kid, a fight started, Mark finished it.
End of story.
No, not to me.
Mark got punched in the face.
This is your fault.
I didn't tell him to fight anybody.
He told me he felt bad because he didn't say anything.
I told him if the other kid could say something, he could say something.
It's called a discussion.
That's how we used to solve things.
No, you can't have a discussion with those people.
It's like talking to a wall.
It was a discussion until Mark called the kid an idiot.
No, it doesn't matter what Mark called him.
Those kind of kids want to have a fight no matter what, and you know that.
Okay.
There are people who are willfully ignorant and you just can't talk to them.
But what about the rest, who just don't see it your way? I got friends I disagree with.
Do you? That's not fair.
I don't have friends.
Well, I do.
And we can sit there over a beer and argue whose fault it is the country's going down the tubes, and then agree that Beverly Rose would be a better quarterback than Trubisky.
That's the old days, Dad.
You can't engage anymore.
Everybody just gets louder and louder and louder.
That's how Mark ended up in a fistfight.
Mark ended up in a fistfight because Colin's father and Mark's mother have both taught their kids that anybody that doesn't agree with them is stupid.
Hey, don't you dare equate them with me.
Why? Because you think you're right? They think they're right.
Then nobody talks.
That's the kind of mentality that's ruining the country.
So you'd rather let them talk and continue normalizing the poison they've been spewing? That is what's wrong with the country, and we're not gonna fix it by talking.
Then how do you fix things? By having an election and trying to get your candidate to win.
Then Wednesday morning, one side's great and the rest of the country's pissed off.
Okay, well, majority rules.
And then whoever loses has to deal with it.
Then how do we put the country back together? I don't know.
That's why we vote so those guys can figure it out.
I just hope people don't get discouraged from voting.
I didn't get discouraged.
I filled out my ballot and dropped it on the ground right where the mailbox used to be.
I raise you five Lemonheads and a Boston Baked Bean.
Okay, and I will raise you a 3 Musketeers.
Whoa! We got ourselves a whale here.
Grr, grr.
Let's wrap this up.
I've got Hansel and Gretel on preheat.
Has anybody seen our candy? Oh, my God.
You people are real monsters.
Grr, grr, grr, grr, grr, grr.
Whoa!