The Detour (2016) s03e02 Episode Script

1 So, why is this guy our lawyer again? I had his card in my wallet.
And lucky for you guys, I was not otherwise restrained.
So, hiding from the Feds in Alaska, huh? Talk about predictable.
What'd you have, like, pseudo-names and shit like that? Yeah, I was a Jewish roller coaster designer.
She was a medium, also Jewish.
No, no offense, but it was one of those questions we don't give a shit what the answer is.
Now, let's get you guys processed.
Bing bang, back to civilization.
Five minutes, tops.
[Indistinct conversations.]
What kind of shit storm did you stir up here? Do you want the answer this time? Oh, yeah.
[Grunts.]
Goddamn, that's good.
Let's go.
- Come on now.
- [Engine revving.]
[Coughing.]
[Bike crashes.]
Aah! Ah, ha, ha! Goddamn it.
Narvin: Oh, geez, I'm sorry, man.
It's, uh, Finnigan, right? No.
Nate.
Nate? That's too bad.
Finnigan's a stronger name.
- Is it? - Yeah.
Great.
You need a ride somewhere? This hill's pretty steep.
No, I'm actually working out, trying to get in shape.
You know, keeping it tight for the wife and such.
- Long way to go, eh? - Tom: Hell with that.
Do what I do.
Just lift it up so she can find it.
Great advice.
Thanks.
- Hey, are you working? - No, I'm between jobs right now.
Not a lot of work up here for a roller coaster designer, eh? Not really.
- Ask him if he's rich.
- Are you rich? - No.
- How does he afford to live? Yeah, how do you afford to live? Does your wife make the money? Yes, she does.
She works in town.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - [Whispers.]
My God.
- Ask him where.
- Whereabouts? - It's a restaurant.
- I wonder which one.
- Whale Tails.
[Laughing.]
What? What is so funny? It's a nice family restaurant.
No, no, no.
You're thinking about the hotel seafood joint in Anchorage.
This one's a little different.
Midriff exposed, the legs are all hosed Turn her around and there she blows Check out the tail, it's a whale of a tail Stretched high in the crack, right up to the back It's time to set sail Begin another tail Grab hold of your mast And we'll all have a blast She doesn't work here.
She would have told me if she worked at a place like this.
This is disgusting.
This is the most misogynistic, exploitative, patriarchal bar I've ever been in.
Hey, skippahs! Any dry sticks in the house? Come, all ye seamen, these waters be teemin' This you can bet, we'll all get wet It's time to set sail At Whale of a Tail Oh, come on.
Somewhere behind the mountains There is a place I'm thinkin' [Distorted music plays.]
Excuse me.
No touching! Nate, babe.
- What are you doing here? - Uh, what are you doing here? I'm working.
You know, providing for the family.
- In a breast-aurant? - We call it an ass-tropub.
[Laughs mockingly.]
It's not funny.
Are you comfortable just walking around the world, showing everyone your bits and pieces.
You tell me, buddy.
I'm fine with it.
This is a cycling Oh! You okay, wench? I'm fine, wench, thank you.
He's harmless.
That didn't hurt.
You looked pretty good up there on that whale.
Oh, thanks, man.
Can we just go somewhere private and talk, please? There's a back room here? I will break your teeth.
- Hey, hey.
- Get lost.
- Nate! Do you trust me? - Of course, I trust you.
Then do me a favor.
Go home, make dinner for those precious little babies of ours, and we'll talk about this later, okay, sweetie? There's no place like home is there, Dorothy? [Stumbling.]
[Laughs.]
Where'd my salad go? [Engine revving.]
Nate: Check out Mr.
Mom, huh? Famous rocket ship pancakes.
Doesn't look like a rocket ship.
Oh, yeah? Watch this.
A little bit of clouds, a little jet stream.
Oh! Mm.
- Suck on that.
[Laughs.]
- Ugh.
- [Knocks.]
- Super D! Let's go! Breakfast for dinner.
It'll be fun.
She already got a rocket.
Crotch rocket.
Grow up, would you? Come on, what's the matter with you? Gotta blast.
Big date.
Date? Nice.
Who is she? I gotta go.
Their mom's dropping them off.
He doesn't like it when I'm late.
He? Dude, we gotta work on your pronouns.
Dad's making cock-et ship pan-cocks.
They look like dicks.
Hey, there she is.
Just in time for a rocket ship pancake.
Uh, that's just straight syrup.
You want you want a pancake with that? Holy are you okay, sweetheart? I need Mom.
Listen, Mom's not here, okay? She's working.
I'm the mom now, all right? Anything you can tell her, you can tell me.
You know what? My mom, growing up, was never there.
Just a piece of Anyway.
Ahh I would always write down how I was feeling and show it to her, so maybe give it a try.
Yeah, it is sunny out.
It's so sunny out all the time.
You're not sleeping well.
Too much sun for you.
You need sunscreen.
Speaking of which, I gotta get sunscreen.
We're out.
Good idea.
Sunscreen.
Nice high SPF.
We'll get you covered.
There's more, huh? Sweetheart, just write words.
This isn't Pictionary.
Mom would get it.
I would get it, too, if you used words.
You want to go down, then come with me [Engine revving.]
They call me Big Papa, the king of improper My dick's so big you will suck it [Tires squealing.]
You Oh, my God, babe.
Shh, shh, shh.
Did I wake you? No, I was up.
You sure about that? You don't feel very up to me.
That's my leg.
Yeah, you wish.
What's that, then? - My testicles.
- Case closed.
What case? What are you talking about? - How much did you drink? - Oh, just, like Just looking for a number.
Big Papa made me do it.
- I'm sorry, who? - He's a work friend.
What's for dinner? "He" is a work friend? [Gasps.]
Breakfast for dinner, that's so fun! Ooh, it's cock-et ship pan-cocks.
Ow! Shit.
Why would you do that? I love these.
So dry, oh, my God.
Shit! Baby.
That hurt so bad.
Why didn't you warn me about glass? You never warn me about glass.
You're not an infant.
What can we talk about this job? Why didn't you tell me about this job? - I did.
- You didn't tell me guys would be sticking their dirty hands all over your On my money maker? You love it.
- Listen to this.
- [Strap snaps.]
That's the sound of commerce, bitch.
Bitch? That's nice.
Commerce isn't a few lousy tips, okay? That's Okay, that's a lot of money, but that's not enough to salvage your dignity.
Cheers.
It's 4:00 in the morning.
Walrus shots for me.
[Gargling.]
[Glasses tinkling.]
You are so drunk.
No, I am the breadwinner, son, and I like it.
I get it.
I so get it now.
I get why you loved it so much and why you cared so much because it made you feel like you were doing something with your life.
God, it feels good.
Let's do this shit.
- Do what shit? - You know what I mean? - [Clattering.]
- Ow, Jesus.
I just folded those.
What are you doing? Get up, get in there.
Why isn't this working? 'Cause you don't have a penis, that's why.
What's no, come on, stop.
That's hot, but I'm not in the mood.
You're not in the mood? Did I hurt your vagina? You know how many times you came home drunk, and I wasn't in the mood, but I did it anyway because I took one for the team.
You know what, though? It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
I'm gonna be a bigger man.
I'm not gonna force it on you.
- I never forced it on you.
- No, but you were so sad.
- I wasn't sad.
- You were.
I tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna curl up in the bed.
I'm gonna lay down.
Once you're "in the mood," why don't you come get some? Ow! Why would you do that? Oh, my God.
That's so Narvin: Pull! [Gunshot, glass shatters.]
Jesus Christ.
Why do you use wine coolers? - Cheaper than clay pigeons.
- I guess so.
- I can't believe they still make these.
- They don't.
They quit makin' 'em about ten years ago.
Mm.
- [Gunshot.]
- Jesus Christ, man! What is your problem? I ain't gonna end my perfect streak because you can't throw for shit.
You could have killed me! Nah, nah, take it easy.
Nobody should get that upset when somebody shoots at close range and misses.
What's the matter? You got trouble at home? You can tell us, Nate.
This is a safe space.
Pull! [Gunshots.]
Jesus! As a matter of fact, yes, yeah, I do have trouble at home.
My wife I can't believe I'm telling you this, but I have no other friends.
She's spending a lot of time partying with this Big Papa.
[Laughing.]
Ooh, now that's trouble.
Why? What's that mean? Big Papa likes to party.
- He's a how do I say this? - Two-spirited.
That's it.
I knew there was a name for it.
You know what that means.
Yeah, I do, but I got a little of spirit, as well.
- Not two-spirited.
- No, I'm very spirited, okay? I got tons of spirit.
I don't think he understands this concept.
Yeah, and you can't pull off a midriff like he can.
I beg to differ, man.
I've gone down two sizes on my belt.
I've been working out a lot, so Pull! - [Gunshots, glass shattering.]
- Jesus Christ! You're gonna kill her.
That's okay.
He's got another sister.
That's not Ooh, ooh, ooh.
She's cute.
- Yeah, they are.
- They? Is there another one out there? No, just them.
Wait.
How many people are you dating? - One.
- She's the one.
- They's the one.
- Who? - Sarah.
- Sarah, she's the one I just saw? - They are, yeah.
- They? Are you messing with me right now? - No, but you said she.
- Yeah, I know.
- They are they.
- They? You said it was just one.
They are one person.
- Sarah, her name's Sarah? - Their name is Sarah.
Oh, my God, this is like "Who's on First?" - What? - He's on second.
- Who? - He's on first.
- What? - No, he's on second.
Just, never mind.
This This girl.
- Sarah.
- Yes, Sarah.
She is They don't go by he or she because they are non-binary.
They don't identify as one gender or the other.
O kay.
Okay.
I get it, sort of.
So, since she since they isn't a boy or a girl They don't conform to one gender, yeah.
Right.
Does they still like boys, or does they like girls? They don't conform to a strict sexual identity, either.
They are queer.
Oh, so they're gay.
Oh, come on, old man.
What? I'm not judging.
I'm just trying to understand it.
[Muffled music playing in car.]
My dick's so big, you can suck it nonstoppa They call me Big Papa Bye, Big Papa.
[Engine revs.]
Out drinking again, hmm, with him? Well, I'm glad you finally came to terms with it.
No, I haven't.
You know he's two-spirited, right? Oh, so I've been told.
Yeah, dude loves to party.
He's not really a dude, but yes, he does love to party, and I kind of have to 'cause he's my boss.
You don't think I like to party, hmm? Go for a few drinks instead of staying home, mending underwear, raising children in a world I don't understand anymore? Honey, it's not a prison sentence.
You can still do all the things you love to do.
You could watch your old hockey reruns.
They're called classic games, okay, and we don't get that channel.
I just I just miss our old life sometimes, honey.
I miss you.
Careful.
Don't know how to sew.
Listen to me.
I have a couple afternoons off coming up.
I'm gonna take you to a nice romantic lunch, okay? I like lunch.
Let's talk about this guy right here.
What's going on? He should be hard by now.
I don't know.
It's the fresh air, the altitude.
I think it's just a blood flow thing.
Give me a second.
I'll get it up.
- [Cellphone dings.]
- I'll get her working.
Let's go! Get some! Yeah, that's doing it! You know, I've actually dropped a few pounds.
I know, you look great.
It's all the biking and the burpees.
- Really, good, babe.
- Getting shredded.
[Hip-hop ringtone playing.]
Come on, you got a personalized ringtone for him? He did that 'cause he thought it was funny.
[Sighs.]
Hey, I can't talk.
What? [Laughs.]
So stupid.
Oh, my.
I gotta go I can't.
I gotta go.
Bye, bye, bye.
- What's mine? - What is your what? What's my personalized ringtone? I don't remember.
- Call Robin.
- Oh, my God.
- [Alarm blaring.]
- The alarm sound? That's what I am to you, the sound of panic? It lets me know that it's important.
I called you three times today, and you didn't pick up.
Because I know it probably wasn't important.
Give me your phone.
I'm gonna personalize my own ringtone.
- I'm not giving you my phone.
- Why not? Because it's my phone.
Why do you want my phone? - Because I'm your husband.
- Well, you're not acting like it.
Oh, why, 'cause I can't get it up for you anymore? Oh, that's it, yes.
I am withholding my communications from you because your snow machine got stuck in a cold river.
- There's my phone.
- I don't want your phone now, okay? I want your respect.
Aah! Aah! - Tartar sauce in the carpet.
- That's disgusting.
[Gunshot.]
Tartar sauce on the floor.
[Gunshot.]
I got tartar sauce caked into the laundry detergent loader.
I'm like a limp-dick tartar sauce janitor.
It's a confusing time.
Masculine and feminine roles aren't biologically fixed, but socially constructed.
Now take a shot, bitch.
[Gunshot.]
Tom: Yeah, stop being a pussy.
Go home and throw some salty chairs in that granola.
If you know what I mean.
I don't at all.
You know, gluing pinecones all over the vacation.
[Laughs.]
I still got no clue what you're talking about.
But I'm assuming you're talking about sex with my wife? But that's kind of been the problem lately.
The old bear is not waking up for its salmon.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, come on.
That metaphor made way more sense.
I I can't get it up.
Oh, hell, I got pills I can loan you for that.
- Now, shoot something, son.
- [Gunshot.]
- Jesus! - Oh, oh, oh, my God! I mean, you can probably patch it.
[Engine revving.]
[Pills rattling.]
Come on.
Why aren't you working? Anna is not doing it for you? [Keyboard clicks.]
McKinley.
Come on, you always get up for McKinley.
- Come on.
- [Cellphone dings.]
What? Oh, look at that.
Hmm.
Holy sh What? [Laughs.]
Wow.
Look who's back? Yeah! [Laughs.]
Yes! Yes! It's time to set sail on the Oh, shit! Shit! Hey.
Hey, we need to chat.
It's not a good time right now.
- It's about Suzi.
- Suzi's? The snow machine that I ride a lot.
- Oh, Christ.
- When I spend time with her, it's like the greatest feeling in my life.
Then it gets a little intense, and then I have to turn her off right away, like immediately.
Maybe an hour later, I start smiling and think, boy, I miss Suzi.
And I was thinking, is what I'm doing wrong? You had, um The big O? Yep, it happened, and I know I'm young.
Very.
Very young.
But everybody is different, and every body is different, and there's no wrong way to enjoy your body.
And I'm sorry I was awkward about telling you before.
Thinking I could only draw pictures or talk to mom.
I was part excited, part scared.
But it's a modern world.
Things are changing, and obviously you're comfortable in this situation.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm just happy we're embarking on the sexual awakening journey together.
It's it's your trip.
I'm just waving from the shore.
Okay.
But I'm gonna need a hug.
No, now's not a good time.
- That wasn't a question.
- I just - Stand up.
- I can't.
- Stand up! Stand up! - No, no.
Oh, my God.
That disgust on your face is exactly why I didn't want to tell you.
I need a cheerleader for female pleasure, not a gatekeeper for morality, Neanderthal! Oh.
God, that didn't kill you? [Sighs.]
[Muffled music playing in car.]
Oh, you have got exactly one minute to get out of there.
59, 58, 57, 5 When you run out of foil, it goes on the list! 27, 26 10, 9, 8, 7 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, get some! Aah! Get out, Big Papa! Robin: You know he's two spirited, right? Jared: They don't confirm to a strict sexual identity.
Robin: He's not really a dude.
Tom: You can't pull off a midriff like he can.
Jared: They don't identify as one gender or the other.
They are one person.
Shit.
Big Papa is two t-w-o spirited.
Yeah.
And this is his child, their name is Sarah.
I just wanted to say hi.
I got laundry to fold.
Oh, my God, he's such a sweetheart.
- He really is.
- And so woke.
That's Nate.
Two.
Yeah.
Hey.
Have fun with them tonight.
They.
Those.
Sarah.
Thanks.
I appreciate the effort.
[Groans.]
Baby, I'm just so tired.
Do you mind if we do it tomorrow night? I love you so much.
Good night.
[Moans.]
That your lady bike outside? You know that's a woman's saddle that you're riding on, right? Yeah, it's murder on the prostate.
You get all that weight right there on the taint.
Just kills the boners, eh? Yeah, it certainly has.
Edie! Edie, right here! Dude, what is your problem? That's a private conversation.
And I got drugs for it now.
No, that's the girl that's looking for you.
Edie.
You looking for me? She'll probably work up the courage to talk to you eventually.
Come on, Whalers, let's go.
That's why you lose this game.