The Grand Tour (2016) s03e02 Episode Script

1 (ENGINE REVVING) (TRAIN WHISTLE BLASTS) (CHEERING) Thank you so much, thank you.
Hello and welcome.
- (CHEERING) - Thank you.
Thank you.
Hello and welcome to what is a Grand Tour special.
Yep, and it's gonna be a big one, because we've had a request from Amazon.
You know how if you're watching a programme and you pause it, you get to see a selection of beautiful landscape photographs from all around the world? Yeah, well, we've been asked to come up with some new photographs of wild animals.
Yeah, us three, wildlife photographers.
What could possibly go wrong with that? - (LAUGHTER) - It's such an obvious idea, I don't know why we never thought of it before.
But, anyway, we decided that obviously we'd need the right gear and the right cars, and then we should meet up with all of that in the most ecologically diverse country on Earth Colombia.
JEREMY: Colombia is nature's treasure chest.
Its endless soaring peaks, vast forests, lazy rivers and babbling brooks are home to a greater variety of birds and animals than you'll find anywhere else on Earth.
Of course, common sense dictated that to get our pictures, we should meet far from the stain of humanity.
But for some extraordinary reason, Richard Hammond decided that the start point should be in the middle of the night close to the bustling city of Cartagena on a tropical beach.
(BRAKES SQUEAK SOFTLY) JAMES: Morning.
JEREMY: Morning.
Why did he say meet on a beach and why actually, why did we listen to him? JEREMY: Where is he? Hammond? JAMES: It's four o'clock, for Pete's sake.
- Uh, is that a Fiat Panda? - Fiat Panda 4x4! JEREMY: It's terrible.
- It's fantastic.
JEREMY: No, that's fantastic.
Look at that.
That is a sturdy car, that is.
JAMES: Isn't that a very popular car with the gay community? JEREMY: Is it? JAMES: There was a thing in America where they had the top ten top ten LGBT cars.
And that came third or something.
JEREMY: What, Lesbian, Bacon No, what is it? - Lesbian, Bacon, Transgender - Lesbian (HISSING) JEREMY: What's that? Well, that was a Wasn't that a distress flare? JAMES: Well, a red one is a distress, isn't it? JEREMY: What's that? - Hang on, is that? Is there a person on t? There's somebody on it.
JEREMY: Hello? Hello! RICHARD: Hello! JAMES: It's Hammond.
JEREMY: That is Hammond.
- Hammond! - Hammond! - Hello! Here I am! - Is that you? - Are you OK? RICHARD: Yes.
Some help would be good! Is that your car? - Yes.
This is my car! - It's his car.
(BIRDCALLS) JEREMY: As the sun began to rise, we asked Hammond to come ashore so we could work out what on Earth was going on.
Quite a lot of explaining here.
- A lot of unpacking.
- Morning.
Yeah, good morning.
Well, where do we begin? Why is your car out there? Well, because that's where the boat dropped me off.
- What boat? - Well, I shipped it from North America.
- Yeah.
- They got to here, wrapped it in polythene, lobbed it over the side, me with it.
That's how they do it.
I think, I reckon, there's a lot of trade between the two.
There's bound to be, isn't there? What, so you're saying, what, that Colombia's exporting something to America? Yes, exactly.
I think there's more - And then the ships are coming back empty? - Precisely.
I think there's more of whatever it is going to North America, so they go out full.
Then they come back so you can get a much cheaper ride.
- Cost peanuts.
- Hold that.
What are they shipping? JAMES: Well, what does Colombia produce? JEREMY: I've got it here.
The main agricultural products of Colombia are coffee, cut flowers, bananas, rice, tobacco, forest products - whatever they are - and shrimp.
I bet it's shrimp.
Yeah, but we were wondering why they don't drop you off, for example, in a port.
I know.
They just, they don't use it.
That's how they It all seemed perfectly normal to them.
Wrap it in polythene, throw it over the side.
- And threw you over the side as well.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
What's it say on that? Global Auto? RICHARD: Yeah, GAK.
Global Auto Kings.
They're That's what they said was the company.
Problem we've got is how are you gonna get your car from there to here? I was rather hoping that'd be we'd do that.
No, no, if you listen carefully, he said how you're going to get your car from there to here.
"You" singular.
Just you, meaning you.
- W - No, he didn't say "us".
You made us get up at four o'clock JEREMY: Eventually, though, James relented and agreed to pull Hammond's car ashore.
Right, go, May.
Go, go, go! Give it a yank.
(ENGINE REVVING) James, what is that? I mean It's got 49 horsepower.
It's gonna ruin it.
Get the Jeep.
Can we find a small dog instead to tow it? - Get the Jeep.
- Get the what? - This - What have you got? JEREMY: A Jeep.
It's there.
Well, bring that over! When I returned in the LGB Jeep, Hammond thanked me - by taking the mickey.
That's very nice, by the way.
- Well done.
I'm proud of you.
- Why are you proud of me? You've done well.
That is a hard thing to do and you've done it.
You are gonna be so much happier.
Would you like me to help you get your car - I would, I would.
- out of the sea? - Shut up, then.
- OK.
I thought you might be nicer now it's all out in the open.
We hitched up the rope and then waited for the right wave to help us along.
Go now.
- Yes! - (ROPE SNAPPING) No, not at all good.
Whoa! JEREMY: I then realised that we were doing this all wrong.
That is presumably a pick-up truck.
- Yes? - Yes, you've guessed.
And four-wheel drive, yes? Right.
Why don't you go out there, cut away the polythene bag, and drive it out using the engine? It's a good idea.
Cos what you don't do when you drive a car is use the engine in someone else's car.
- You use the one in your own car.
- Yes.
So, while Hammond unwrapped his car James and I turned our attention to his Fiat Panda.
I bought it from an English family who had bought a house in Tuscany.
And this Pepe.
- (JEREMY LAUGHS) - Pepe the Panda.
- And they loved it.
- Do you kn I know everything about this family.
This has been used for picking their friends up from Pisa airport.
Oh, undoubtedly.
And their friends are the editor of the Guardian - Yes.
- Tony Blair - Cherie Blair.
- Sting.
- Alan Yentob.
- Yes.
Every single lightweight socialist in Britain has been in this car.
- I bet they made their own olive oil as well.
- (JEREMY LAUGHS) Oh, they were socialists, really.
As they are sitting with their Prosecco and really care.
"We're raising awareness.
" "Raising awareness" means, "I'm doing absolutely nothing at all.
" I'll bet they had a little man in the village JAMES: As the Pet Shop Boy ranted on, Hammond finally finished unwrapping his pick-up truck.
- Unfortunately, though - (ENGINE TURNS OVER) - it wouldn't start.
- (ENGINE STOPS) (ENGINE STARTS AND STOPS) - (SYSTEM BEEP) - No.
So, after getting brained by the waves for a while, he waded ashore again and came up with a hare-brained scheme where the Fiat would be an anchor and the Jeep a tug.
Right, parking brake is off and I am in neutral.
Right.
You're ready.
Uh good, I am as well.
I'm taking up the slack.
(ENGINES IDLING) - Here we go.
- That's looking good.
No, no.
Clarkson, you're pulling me into the sea! Clarkson! Stop! Stop! Why are you there? You've pulled me in the sea, you muppet! - (VIDEO BREAKS UP) - Oh, shit JAMES: Thanks to Hammond's stupid idea, the cameras in my car were completely ruined.
So we ordered a taxi, sent him into town to get a proper tow truck and when he returned, he asked Jeremy of all people to operate its winch.
- (WHIRRING) JEREMY: Are you moving? Yes! Yes, I am! You see, you mock people who like winching and stuff, but don't tell me you're not enjoying this.
It is incredible how much power you can get out of a little tiny electric winch.
When you think Is he having some sort of winch fantasy? I've turned him off.
I'm just sitting here making sure that LED doesn't go red, in which case the winch is overheating.
Which he seems to think is incredibly exciting.
Jeremy? You need to stop, you're gonna pull me into the the shelter.
The only thing is though we have done well, actually, is these three cars we've got.
Because they're all designed to go off road and yet they couldn't be more different.
Jeremy, you're pulling me through the building! That is true, it is, it's a good trio of cars.
RICHARD: W No! You've got mine, which is bought by people who like cruising the streets of San Francisco, Key West, Brighton and Sydney.
And then yours, which is bought by people - Jeremy! Stop! - who wanna feel better about themselves.
So if you have your second home whilst people in the world are homeless and starving, - it's OK as long as you have a small Fiat.
- (THUD) JEREMY: Oh, shit.
Hammond, you moron! Well, I couldn't do anything! I've got no steering.
- Why didn't you tell us? - I was yelling on the radio! You pulled me through a building.
This family has loved this car since 1991 and you turn up from bloody Wales or North America, or wherever it is you've been, and you've already ruined it.
Listen, it's been a bit of a cluster thing.
We need to work it all out.
We need communications properly organised.
- What is that? That.
- You need a It's my ladder.
Ah.
You've bought something you can't get into or out of without a ladder? Well, it's very high up.
Hammond, that's the worst thing I've ever seen.
It's brilliant.
Look at it.
That was like the best Christmas I've ever had, unwrapping it out at sea.
I was, "Ooh-hoo, can't wait!" And then I saw a little bit of a flame.
Ah! And what is that? A skull-faced fox abomination? - Look at it.
- That is inspiration.
It's already got nature pictures on it.
It's brilliant.
Doesn't that cheer you up a bit? - No, it doesn't cheer me up.
- Yes, it does.
It makes you feel happy.
JAMES: So far, Hammond's pick-up had wrecked everything on the beach and all my cameras and cost us ten hours.
So we told him to shut up - again - and get it working.
(RICHARD GRUNTS) - And once he'd done that - (ENGINE STARTS) Yeah! we headed into Cartagena to buy some cameras.
(SONG IN SPANISH) Right, this Jeep Wrangler Hard-tail cost £8,000 and absolutely everything on it works.
And with my Hercule Poirot hat on, I would say that this car was originally sold in Japan, because the television, CD, satnav system here is all in Japanese, which means I can't work it.
And then you've got little stickers all over everywhere.
This one says - look, "Hysteric Glamour" and "CDC Rockers".
That's a very Japanese-y thing to do.
So, this was built in Ohio, shipped to Japan, exported to England, and then I've shipped it to Colombia.
This, then, has done 120,000 miles on the road but about twice that on ships.
I think it's gonna be ideal, though, for wildlife photography, because it's four-wheel drive, it's a Jeep.
So I could use it to track a snow leopard.
It's got a 4-litre straight 6, so I could keep up with a diving eagle.
And, of course, no roof, fold-down windscreen, so a 360-degree field of fire for my camera.
(ENGINE HUMMING) (CHUCKLES) Let me fill you in a bit on my 1998 Chevy C/K Silverado.
It's a full-size American pick-up that's been made a bit bigger with a lift kit and modifications that I'll tell you about later.
Most importantly, it's got a proper big, old 7.
4-litre V8 up front in a very lazy state of tune, just churning out huge gobbets of grunt.
I have four-wheel drive - high and low ratios.
That and this massive lift kit, I can go anywhere.
Probably most wildlife photographers use things like this, anyway.
You don't see it, you know, on the telly with Attenborough and stuff, cos, well, this is behind the scenes.
This is how they get there.
(SONG IN SPANISH) Now we're alone, viewers, let me tell you a little bit about my car.
I know some of you are thinking, "Oh, that's just a Fiat Panda," and "They're in South America.
" They're bound to be going over difficult terrain.
" Yes, yes, yes.
But let me tell you this.
What you need for serious off-roading is smallness and lightness.
That's what I've got.
This is a tiny car.
It weighs 780 kilograms.
A quarter of what Hammond's stupid monster truck weighs.
It has a four-wheel drive system made in Austria, very dependable.
Does have inclinometers on it, so that I can see when I'm about to fall over.
And it's perfect.
It all works.
The fan, the cooling system, all the instruments.
It's all perfect.
JAMES: But then My indicators have just packed up so, you know, there will be no indications.
Problems with Italian electrics? I know, it's unheard of.
The lift kit added to this car by the previous owner has not improved the steering or handling or ride.
What's it like being tall? (RICHARD LAUGHS) Bless him, he's all exuberant.
Finally, he can be himself, and good for him.
JEREMY: Soon we arrived at the really rather beautiful walled city of Cartagena.
Which was bad news for the not-at-all beautiful Trump truck.
Oh, wait a minute.
Oh, hang on.
Are these walls important and, like, really old and precious? JEREMY: 17th century, Hammond.
That's how old they are.
It's a World Heritage Site.
A World Heritage Site.
RICHARD: Well, if they're that old, the odd chip won't matter, will it? What a moron.
RICHARD: Oh, my God.
JAMES: If I lived in a walled World Heritage Site, I wouldn't be pleased to see that coming in.
(SIREN BLARING NEARBY) Right.
- (SIREN BLARING) - Oh, God.
This is tight.
There's an ambulance.
That's an actual ambulance.
(HORNS TOOTING AND SIREN) (SIREN WAILING) Oh, shit.
Shit, that ambulance is coming down here, Hammond.
Boot it! Hammond, there's an ambulance.
You've gotta get out the way.
RICHARD: Well, I can't.
- (SIREN BLARING) - Oh, God.
Jesus, come on.
Oh, I feel bad.
JAMES: Come on, Hammond, boot it.
You're just gonna have to go.
Run over everything.
Situation report.
Hammond has caused a ten-hour delay to our schedule and is now killing a man.
Ooh, shit, sorry.
(SIREN WAILING) Oh, that was bad.
JEREMY: After I'd paid for the bruised fruit Here.
I do apologise.
we plunged into the labyrinth of narrow streets to find a camera shop.
That was easy for the Jeep and the Panda.
However (HORNS BLARING) Yeah, one more go.
I can do this.
Yeah, I'm I'm I'll sort it in a minute.
I'll be out of the way in a second.
I don't why Hammond and May think that the Wrangler's a a gay icon.
JEREMY: Eventually, having got our shopping done, we met up for a camera show-and-tell.
And, once again, Hammond had gone completely over the top.
What have you bought? Everything.
If I know anything about wildlife photographers, you need the kit.
So this goes around my waist.
In here I have a selection of prime lenses.
A real That's a macro lens for taking close-up stuff, like, really close.
This is a 50 mil prime, really fast, beautiful lens.
Uh then I've got another harness.
So that's for the actual camera.
I have filters for the flash guns.
There's two flash guns.
They can trip one another off as well.
- So you pull up Stop.
- What? - You pull up by an animal.
- Yeah? - You need a photograph of it.
- Oh, yeah.
An animal is gonna run off any minute.
You need to be quick.
However big or small that animal is, I will have the lens for it, flash for it Yes, but you'll have to hope it's dead or it'll simply run off.
And then, importantly, of course, camera body.
- Very good one.
- Well remembered.
And most importantly of all, telephoto lens.
JEREMY: Shall I show you what I've got? - Yes.
- I haven't bothered with any of that.
I've just gone for the telephoto - not one of yours - but that.
This is all I've got.
That's all you need.
- What, that is literally it? - Yeah.
That's all you need.
Well, are you gonna photograph animals in this country? - I - That's a pervert camera.
No, it's a Daily Mail camera is what it is.
Exactly.
That's what I meant.
- Oh.
That's heavy.
- I'll bet it is! - That's a lot of glass.
- Clear this away.
Let me show you what I've got.
All right.
(JAMES SIGHS) That is a camera.
If we'd been tasked with photographing somebody's 21st birthday party - Perfect.
- Welcome to 2018.
Everything you've got in all that kit that you've just shown us, is in there.
Show me your zoom lens.
- Behold the lens.
- What, is it a cold day? Behold the zoom.
The woman in the shop said this camera takes good pictures.
- That's enough for me.
- (OTHERS LAUGH) JEREMY: Keen to get cracking, we hit the streets and began immediately to do animal photography.
James, move, you're in my shot.
Woof Grrr - (SHUTTER CLICKS) - Shit.
I've gotta get further away.
Oh, wait, I thought I saw an insect, but I've Green flash.
(SHUTTER CLICKS) Oh, Christ, I've got a macro on! Stay, pigeon.
Don't scare it.
Er Oh! - Get out of the way.
- I'm sorry.
Am I annoying you? Yes, you are.
You can't possibly need to be that close.
- Hello, horsey.
- (SHUTTER CLICKS) JEREMY: Eventually, we got into the groove.
- (CLICK) - Got it.
Look.
Look at my pigeon.
And after just 20 minutes (CLICKING) we met up to celebrate a job well done.
- Yeah, I've got a dog.
- You've got that horse one.
I've got a pigeon looking gormless.
I think we Haven't we pretty much done it? RICHARD: A number of dogs and a number of horses.
And a spider's ho The spider had gone, but I've got the hole the spider That's habitat.
You've got where the spider lived.
- That's habitat.
- Oh, hang on, sorry.
That's what they want.
Chaps, we have a message here from Mr Wilman.
- What? - What does he want? It's bad news, I'm afraid.
Amazon don't just want pictures of pigeons, dogs, and flies.
They want interesting stuff as well.
They insist the following must be included: a condor, a spectacled bear, a jaguar and a hippopotamus.
And they must be wild.
You can't just go to a zoo.
Hippopotamus? You don't get those here.
- They don't have them here, do they? - In Africa.
Well, how are we gonna do that, then? How in the hell are we gonna get a picture of a hippopotamus in South America? You've got a really long lens! But I'll have to be on a very tall mountain to see Africa.
Well, I tell you what we're not going to see lumbering by here JEREMY: The next day, armed with our new and more challenging instructions, we decided to make an early start.
Sadly, however (STARTER MOTOR WHINES SPORADICALLY) JAMES: What was that? It's The starter keeps engaging whilst the engine is running.
Hang on.
- (ENGINE STARTS) - Only does it occasionally.
It's incon - (STARTER MOTOR WHINES) - Ah! - It's that.
- Ohh.
(ENGINE IDLING) It's better.
It's mended.
All is fine.
- I'd like to name my Fiat - (STARTER MOTOR WHINES) (ALL SHOUT AND GROAN) (STARTER MOTOR WHINES SPORADICALLY) See, that's a terrible noise.
Ohh! JEREMY: Leaving Hammond to repair the endlessly annoying Trump truck, May and I hit the road.
(POP SONG IN SPANISH) Well, shrimping and forest products obviously uh pays well.
- Look at the boats out there.
JAMES: I know, that is amazing, isn't it? You often see that.
The most humble of commodities and it yields just incredible wealth for a privileged few.
Yeah.
Right, we're now leaving Cartagena in our quest to find many interesting animals to photograph, including a hippopotamus.
That's the tricky one.
Obviously, many difficult challenges would lie ahead.
There'd be thick forests (LAUGHTER-LIKE BIRD CALL) volcanoes treacherous mountain passes Oh, Jesus! and dreadful weather.
(THUNDER RUMBLES) But we weren't unduly worried because we were using cars.
JAMES: Photographers like to pretend that everything is more complicated than it needs to be.
So, you know, boxes and lenses and bags - all the stuff Richard Hammond's got.
Also wildlife photographers like to pretend that life has to be difficult.
Live up a tree for three weeks, freeze yourself to death on an iceberg to take a picture of a polar bear or whatever.
No.
It can be comfortable.
The car can make anything comfortable.
Drive up, take your picture, drive off.
Sadly, though, while we were covering the ground quickly and comfortably, photographic opportunities were a bit sparse.
More cows.
And a goat thing.
Yeah, not wild or interesting.
JAMES: No, fair enough, I'll give you that.
Dead dog.
Oh, quite a sweet dead dog, though.
Well, it was sweet when it was alive.
JEREMY: Even our now mobile colleague was having no joy.
RICHARD: Come on out.
Come on.
Oh, stop hiding behind the damn tree, you little (BLEEP)! And annoyingly for me, on these rural roads, the Jeep started to show its true colours.
- (THUDDING) - Oh, God.
Ooh, the ride's not good.
- (THUDDING) - Oh, Jesus.
Ohh, I'm supposed to be proving that wildlife photography is easy and comfortable.
Jeep's letting me down a little bit on that front.
- (THUDDING) - Aaargh.
Keen to have a break from the relentless bouncing, I suggested we stop to photograph an animal everyone likes a donkey.
Come on.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Aw.
However, my long lens saw something rather disturbing.
Come on, there's a man in the back of shot.
Wait, hang on.
So, I went with our translator to talk to people in the local village.
Could you ask did Was that young man having relations with that donkey or did I miss-see something? (SHE SPEAKS SPANISH) - OK.
- Si? They say yes.
That's right.
- What did he say, normal? - No, no trouble.
At all.
- Normal.
- Normal? Si.
Normal.
- So you've all - (THEY SPEAK SPANISH) enjoyed the company of donkeys? (THEY SPEAK SPANISH) (THEY CONTINUE IN SPANISH) (SHE LAUGHS) So they say that basically that's the first wife, the first lover that they have.
- (SHUTTER CLICKS) - That's nice.
Are all the donkeys fair game? Every single donkey, or just (THEY SPEAK SPANISH) All of them, male and female? (THEY SPEAK SPANISH) Oh, OK, no.
Only female.
So they don't have sex with male donkeys.
That would be what, weird? So they said down here somewhere.
Oh, hello.
Donkeys.
Oh, we'll be photographing donkeys, then, I guess.
Excellent.
Right, try not to make a noise.
I shan't.
Don't worry.
Cos this one's particularly timid.
(HE GASPS) Hang on.
We're leaving now.
Leave, now.
- What? - We're leaving.
Ah, it seemed like a really nice little place.
Jeremy, why do we have to go? Have you upset someone? He's either committed some terrible faux pas or he's got sunstroke - he's very red in the face.
Why don't these Colombians just grow something? Surely there must be a plant of some sort that people living out in the sticks could grow here, and then sell around the world rather than interfering with animals.
We continued onwards, acutely aware that so far our mission was not going well.
JEREMY: What photographs have we got between us so far? Have either of you two got anything you could put on an Amazon screensaver? I have a selfie with a donkey.
Yeah, you wouldn't wanna use my donkey photograph, that's for damn sure.
We've got nothing between us so far at all.
But then No, wait.
What's this? Looks like a badger having a massive poo.
No, that's an anteater.
JEREMY: You're right, it is.
It's an anteater.
But it's only a picture of one.
But what it's doing is telling us they cross the road here.
Well, hang on.
If they cross the road here, we just wait.
Why chase? I think they've put the sign in the wrong place, because no anteater has crossed here.
We've been now eight minutes.
Three minutes after that, we realised we needed to break out a map and get radical.
Right, spectacled bears don't live here.
Neither do condors and neither do jaguars.
So let's go to where Yeah, we're sort of here, just outside Cartagena.
We need to come down I mean right down here, into the Amazonian rainforest.
National parks, the mountains.
What the pros do is go to the right habitat.
I know that, because I'm leaning on my camera, like a pro.
JEREMY: One of the main targets on our hit list was the jaguar, and they live mostly in the region of Santander, which was 400 miles away.
So we saddled up and settled down for the long drive south.
I'd love to tell you how fast my 49 horsepower is taking me but the speedometer, which is electronic, has stopped working since Richard Hammond pulled me into the sea.
In a bid to pass the time, I dreamed up a simple game.
Hammond, why don't you pull alongside your colleague, in his er let's be honest, 1 litre Fiat Panda, with your 7.
4 litre monster truck, and let's see who's got the slowest car, OK? Er, OK.
Three, two, one, go.
(ENGINE BUZZING) The little guy gets ahead.
JEREMY: It's James May.
James May is winning! That's all I've got.
Ha! (CHUCKLES) Come on, Hammond! That realistically is all I have.
Easy.
(LAUGHS) Richard Trailer Trash Trump Hammond has been beaten, and beaten big time! Bigly! I don't want you to take this personally or anything, Hammond, but your truck must be utter garbage.
Absolute garbage.
You wait, this thing'll come into its own soon and you'll be left gasping.
I'm longing to see the environment where that comes into its own.
(SONG SUNG IN SPANISH) JEREMY: After many hours in this, the 25th biggest country on Earth, we were finally getting into jaguar country.
And the long journey had done wonders for Hammond's £11,000 pickup truck.
Current crop of warning lights on my truck include engine service soon, some sort of brake failure indicator, anti-lock brake failure indicator.
Lights I don't have is the one that tells me what gear I'm - Oh! - (TYRES SCREECHING) Ah.
Are we not concentrating, Hammond? (LAUGHS) I may have had a wee.
JEREMY: It is one of the most stupid pieces of engineering ever, that truck.
(HE CHUCKLES) JEREMY: Since the jaguars weren't going to be in built-up areas, we ploughed deep into the jungle, along a dirt path that was once a railway built by the British.
(BIRDS SCREECHING) Right, Jaguars, they are very difficult to spot and very, very rare.
You don't want to come face to face with a Jaguar, though.
Cos it does have very strong bitey bits.
Kills its prey by biting through its skull and then penetrating its brain.
This is proper jungle now.
Oh, hello.
I'm in a British railway tunnel.
Oh, no, Hammond.
(ENGINE REVVING) - Ohh, tunnel.
- (ENGINE REVVING) Stop it! I had to do it, it's the law.
RICHARD: We drove for miles along the disused railway, until eventually, LGB Jeremy came to a halt.
Gentlemen, I'm rather confused here.
We're approaching a bridge, OK? It says no cars, no people, no motorcycles and no horses.
Well, what's it for, then? JEREMY: Moments later, we found out.
It's all right, James, why don't you just (LAUGHS) He is actually going.
James doesn't like heights.
- Oh, did you see that one just move? - Yes.
- (CLUNKING) - What is that? Hold on.
That's one, two.
You've got seven, maybe eight feet.
But that means I'll have to drive I can't You will.
It's got massive tyres.
You'll just be running on the outer ones.
Well So I get to this bit My car is wider than that, and that's wider than my wheel.
It won't do it.
And that's high, actually.
What is that? 300 feet? RICHARD: Some hundreds of feet, yes.
Oh, dear.
Even though Hammond isn't at all accident prone, I went first.
Seat belt on or off? Off.
Because what bloody difference will it make? Really.
Jesus.
Oh, God, there's a really, really narrow bit there.
Ooh, ahh.
(NERVOUS WHIMPERING) Oh, speed.
No, ah, I don't think speed's the answer.
Ah.
(TIMBERS RATTLING) Oh, oh.
Right.
I've made it.
That's good.
JEREMY: Hammond, you will shit your pants doing this.
Well, that's helpful.
I already am, watching.
Spider Man May shot across as fast as he dared.
Not looking down, not looking down, thinking about other things.
And then it was the turn of Big Donald.
(SIGHS) Oh, God.
Ah.
Ah.
The only way I can do this is by looking at the driver's-side tyre, and keeping it as close as I can to that edge, and hoping to God that gives me enough.
Oh, Christ.
Oh, Jesus.
I'm shaking all over.
I can do this.
I'm just gonna look at the wood, not at what's below, just look at the wood.
- (TIMBER CREAKING) - Ah! Jesus Christ, no, I'm too close to the edge.
(RICHARD GROANS NERVOUSLY) Argh.
God! (GROANS) I think I might be sick.
I will get there.
Crossing this bridge is just part of my journey.
JEREMY: Who is that, clippety clopping across my bridge? Oh, God! Not the Billy Goat Gruff game.
Mm, I will move my Jeep out of your way if you can answer this simple prog rock question.
I don't know anything about prog rock at all! Who is the bass guitarist in Barclay James Harvest? The Nolan Sisters! Get me off this (BLEEP) bridge! Let me off the bridge.
I'm gonna be sick.
Please.
JEREMY: Eventually Hammond became quite irritated, so I abandoned the game and soon all of us became quite irritated.
There were more not very well maintained bridges.
Oh, God in heaven.
The heat was stifling and the ride in the Jeep became more and more intolerable.
Not taking this punishment very well.
- (THUDDING) - Ohh.
And then (ENGINE FAILS TO START) JEREMY: James, have you broken down? Yes.
It's a very thoughtful place to break down, this.
- Why is that? - Well, because, look, there's a little path Hammond and I can go round.
- He is absolutely right.
- Off you go.
Leave it.
Don't touch it.
Leave it.
- I'm trying to help.
- Don't try and help.
Go away.
(GROANS) Everybody's getting a bit bad tempered.
Might be because it's so hot.
Could be that.
He's not very keen on us helping, is he? - (CRASHING) - Sorry.
- I couldn't see the bumper.
- I will punch your lights out cos I had my head right next to the thing.
Go on.
Go! It'll all be fine if we spot a jaguar.
Everything will be OK.
- Right.
- Go! Oh, now we're in trouble.
- (HORN BLARES) - Whoa! Hammond! You (BLEEP) moron! - I didn't know you were there! - Hammond! What the (BLEEP) hell are you doing? I was stuck.
I didn't know you were behind me.
Use your mirrors! (METAL CREAKING) You totally smashed the front of my car up.
That really got out of hand, all of a sudden.
One minute going along, everything's fine.
Next minute, one of your mates is throwing rocks at the other one.
Problem is, you have people on the extreme left - James May - people on the extreme right - Richard Hammond - and it's always the liberal, sensible people in the middle, like me, who cop for it.
- (ENGINE STARTS) JAMES: Eventually, having fixed the Fiat, I was back on the road again.
This car is just amazing.
- But then - (CLUNKING) (ENGINE DRONING) Oh, dear.
I think I've just lost the exhaust pipe.
JEREMY: Up ahead, thanks mainly to our absolutely beautiful surroundings, the mood was a lot more tranquil.
(BIRDSONG) JEREMY: That scenery to our right is absolutely spectacular.
RICHARD: It is gorgeous, isn't it? Yeah.
And of course we're not in the shade of the jungle any more, which means I'm being roasted.
Have you not got any moisturiser with you? You must have.
No, Hammond, I don't have any moisturiser with me.
(CATTLE MOOING) Buenos dias.
JAMES: As it turned out, the broken exhaust was lifting my mood too.
(ENGINE DRONING) This is tremendous.
It's like being on a rally stage.
I happen to know that Tony and Cherie Blair were, in fact, massive World Rally Championship fans.
In fact, I think they took part in a couple on the quiet.
They just didn't want people to know about it.
They thought it would sort of damage their reputation and their standing.
Unlike, say, starting a war.
Further ahead, my long lens had grabbed a couple of animals.
(TURKEY GOBBLING) RICHARD: I don't believe Amazon will be rushing to have that as their screen saver.
JEREMY: But we had yet to bag a jag.
However, as it's a nocturnal animal, we were hoping for more luck as darkness fell.
Predictably, though RICHARD: Are my headlights on? No, they're off completely.
I think I got sea water in them.
JEREMY: As we set about sorting the problem, Tony Blanquist arrived.
(ENGINE REVVING) Ooh.
That can't Listen to it.
It sounds quite roarty, doesn't it? JEREMY: That is a throaty sound.
James, do not throw rocks at us.
Just calm down, say some of your Chinese things.
I'm very sorry for driving into your car.
I'm very sorry I threw a rock at you.
It wasn't at your head.
Right, so we're back as a team.
- Yeah.
- I've said sorry to James.
- Yeah.
- He's said sorry to me.
- We're all OK.
- We've all said sorry.
- Everybody's happy.
- (TAPE RIPPING UNSTUCK) Once we'd strapped some torches to the front of the pickup Trump we resumed our jaguar hunt.
Those torches are useless.
They're just illuminating trees over there and the sky up there.
It's not helping anything.
Eventually, though, after driving deep into the jungle, we arrived at exactly the sort of spot where jaguars like to hang out.
This is extraordinarily promising.
But the most important thing, of course, is to be quiet.
Nice and quietly does it, while I set up my camera.
Unfortunately, however, the "quiet" memo didn't reach Donald and Tony.
- (REVVING) - My lights are too high here! I need to be parked.
JEREMY: Oh, for God's sake, quietly, I said.
(REVVING AND RADIO CHATTER) I'll stay down here, then you'll be higher up.
All right, now I can't see cos of your lights.
(INDISTINCT) I was gonna go.
OK, mate, I'm gonna hit the road.
You go that way and check it out.
Have you two thought about maybe being a bit quieter? RICHARD: You what? - Little bit quieter, perhaps? (ENGINES REVVING) Oh, no, Jeremy, I'm too close to you there, aren't I? - No, that's fine.
- Sure? - Yes, just turn it off.
- What? - Just turn the engine off.
- What? - Turn the engine off.
- Oh, right, yeah.
- (ENGINE REVS) - Oh, sorry, it was in gear.
(ENGINE REVS AND STOPS) When my colleagues were finally silent, we settled down to wait for a jaguar, something which the experts say requires immense patience.
(INSECTS SINGING) RICHARD: I'm bored! I'm bored and I'm getting eaten by mosquitos.
JAMES: I'm being eaten and I'm bored as well.
RICHARD: If a jaguar came now, I wouldn't see it.
My eyes have shut down from boredom.
- What are we going to do? - I don't know, but that is boring.
No, cos honestly, I mean the truth is, people could come out here for 40 years and not see a jaguar.
Well, we could use my trap cameras.
- Your what? - What are trap cameras? Set it up, and triggered by an animal and take a picture.
- You've got those with you? - Yeah.
In my bag.
Well, why the hell didn't you say that when we turned up? Nobody asked.
I'm sorry, yes, Richard, get your trap cameras out.
- What a great idea.
- Right, OK.
Plan! I'll do it.
Oh, I've just remembered, I've got a jaguar in the boot, shall I let that out? (JEREMY LAUGHS) After a while, Hammond had carpeted the area with his trap cameras.
- Now what do we do? - Wait.
We wait for an animal to walk past one and set it off? - Yes.
- How do we know when it's gone off? Well, we just will.
Er I need a dump.
- I'll alert the media.
- Well, I'm just saying.
Don't worry, I'm gonna sort myself out.
Sorry.
- It's all this foreign food.
- Ssh.
He's not such a good outdoors man's person as he likes to think, cos I bet he hasn't got any bog roll.
I'll bet you he'll just use a smooth stone.
- A smooth stone? - Mmm.
That's what snipers use when they're posted out in the middle of nowhere.
They wipe themselves with a smooth stone.
- Why a smooth stone? - Well presumably because it's uncomfortable to use a jaggedy one.
Oh, yeah, but not Well, you'd probably use a leaf, actually, in the jungle.
I mean (VOICE FADES) After much debate about how the special forces wipe their bottoms, Hammond returned and I quickly realised we were being thick.
These are set off remotely? - Yeah.
If an animal - Well, why are we still here? That's a very good point, actually.
It's better that we go away, isn't it? Let's take the Bear Grylls approach to natural history.
There was a town, well, ten kilometres away.
Why don't we go into the town, have a drink, check into a hotel, how's that sound? And then come back tomorrow and check the cameras.
- Yes, yes.
- That's how you're supposed to use them.
It's in the instructions.
That's what you do.
You set it up This good news put me in the mood for some mischief.
So, after May had gone to bed at the hotel, Hammond and I sneaked outside to mess with his head.
- He parked his car there.
- Yes.
Turn it round.
Oh, that'll mess with his head.
So, in the morning, can you imagine his face? Yeah, and he'll know exactly where he parked it, cos it's him.
So then he'll think he'll think he's gone mad.
- How are we gonna do it? - Bounce it.
Ready? - Oh, yeah.
- So one, two, three, move it.
One, two, three, move it.
One, two three, move it.
One, two The next morning, with James in a state of deep puzzlement, Hammond and I checked out the ruined trap cameras.
So let me just get this clear.
The jaguar mauled your camera? Yeah.
Is that really where it's bitten it? - It's got bits come off.
- He's broken it.
- Yes, he's broken it.
- But did we This is the important thing.
Did we get ahem, any pictures? - Right, I'll have a look.
BOTH: No.
Er something triggered it.
Maybe a leaf.
- Ah, look, there! - Where? There.
That's its That's it! - That's it walking about.
- Look how camouflaged it is.
There's its head! That's its actual face.
There.
Yeah, but he's got a tree in front of him.
Yeah, but that's context, that's habitat.
(GASPS) What's that? This is when it got destroyed.
That's its That's its mouth.
That's whiskers, look.
- No! - That's its That's a jaguar biting.
That is an action shot.
That's probably got awards all over it.
- JEREMY: Oh, yeah.
- Eyes.
(JEREMY GASPS) Now, that is a great picture and we can move on.
- It is.
- We have ticked that box.
That's the Ace of Spades, the jaguar.
That's Saddam Hussein.
We've now gotta go and get his sons Uday and the other one.
What was his other son called? - Edgar.
- (JEREMY LAUGHS WHEEZILY) We now have to drive 200 miles to photograph the King of Spades, Edgar Hussein Paddington.
JEREMY: Oh, shite! Oh-ho! Oh-ho, look at you with a wheel in the air! Gravity gets you down there and then you simply drive up the other side.
- (ENGINE REVS) - Oh, God! Stop.
Stop, stop, stop! Stop there.
Stop there.
It's gonna break.
(GROWLING) (WHISPERS) It's a bear! It's a bear! We've been told we're at 15,500 feet.
Nothing for it, we've gotta go higher to find Colin Condor.
JAMES: Oh, that's proper boiling.
RICHARD: You're destroying our cars, you've got oxygen for you and your car only, and we can see nothing! (THUNDER) JEREMY: We're 250 miles from the Equator.
We're on a volcano in a severe hailstorm.
It's bouncing in through the back.
How much hail is there in the sky? (THUNDER)