The Job Lot (2013) s03e02 Episode Script
Series 3, Episode 2
1 'Here at Somerville Fertility Clinic we pride ourselves on helping you to start a family.
' - Ready for the briefing? - On my way.
- 'Replace the carefully prepared donor sperm' - Oh, whoops.
- Shh! - '.
.
into your uterus close to the time of ovulation.
The freshly harvested sperm is inserted directly' Do you want me to pretend I didn't hear that? No, no.
I'm not ashamed.
I'm embracing my situation, I'm going solo.
Bloody good for you, Trish! It's not ideal, getting pregnant without a sexual partner.
It's a bit like sausage and mash without the mash.
Oh, without the sausage, surely! Because it's like a willy.
Oh, yes! Yes, very good.
Like a willy.
No, no.
It's fine.
You know, you've got to laugh.
I'm buying sperm.
I've got to suck it up and take it on the chin.
Yeah, but mate, you haven't given me much notice.
- 'Because I just found out.
' - But who am I gonna get to move in? - 'I don't know, someone.
' - Oh 'Listen, I'm moving my stuff this week.
You can give me a hand.
' Look, I'll I'll call you later.
OK, bye.
- You all right, my love? - Mm.
Fine thanks, Janette.
I couldn't help overhearing your flatmate's moving out.
Oh, you heard that, did you? Why don't you ask Natalie to move in? Oh, well yeah.
I'd have to think about it.
- That'd be lovely, that, wouldn't it? - Oh, yeah.
Oh, here she is.
Why don't you ask her now? - Ask me what? - Karl's flatmate's moving out and he wants you to move in with him.
Do you? - I I'd love it.
- What do you say? You can You can say no, if you want to.
Why would she say no? She still lives at home with her dad.
- Even I know that's sad.
- Yeah, all right, Janette.
You want to, though, don't you? Be lovely, happy families together.
- That'd be lovely.
- I think that's a yes.
Mm.
OK, word up, everyone.
I'd like to introduce Ash Mourad, he's our new District Work Psychologist.
Hello, everybody.
Ash is here to help people overcome the mental barriers that may be stopping them from working.
And he's here to help our jobseekers too.
Very good.
Excellent banter with the Oh, that's me to a T, isn't it, guys? Ash, why don't you tell everyone how you do the voodoo that you do so well? Also very, very humorous.
But psychology's not voodoo, - it's a highly regarded science of the human mind.
- Yeah, of course.
I'm here to unlock the reasons behind why jobseekers are struggling to get work.
How you gonna do that, then? Oh, lots of different ways, it's actually quite boring! Mm, sounds it.
- Ash sometimes uses hypnotherapy.
- Do you have people running round thinking they're chickens and taking their clothes off? Oh, no.
God knows I've tried, but He's not a stage hypnotist, Jeanette.
It's more like mind-reading.
It's not mind reading, Paul, it's deductive reasoning.
Like Sherlock Holmes.
Well, yeah, I suppose I do look for clues in people.
Brilliant, do Sherlock Holmes on me.
What can you tell about me, eh? This is probably wrong but I would say that you had cornflakes for breakfast? That is genius! How can anybody possibly know that? It's OK, everyone, Ash isn't a performing monkey.
No, no.
This is fun.
Do someone else.
Do someone else.
OK, erm Angela, is it? I've noticed you've got a rather large set of keys on you.
This suggests to me you're the kind of person that likes to be in control, a D type personality.
These types of personality often find it very difficult to empathise with people, often preferring animal contact, possibly cats, because cats can't challenge or judge them.
And - Was I close? - Erm Yeah.
You're in in the right area.
Something troubling you, young Karl? Ah, don't worry.
I don't want to bore you with my problems.
- Fair enough.
- It's Natalie.
- She finally dumped you? - No.
Actually I asked her to move in with me.
Oh, right.
And she said no and you're worried she's gonna dump you? No, she said yes, and I'm worried because we already spend all day together.
Gotcha.
And you think she's gonna get bored of you and THEN dump you? - Paul, I'm not worried she's gonna dump me.
- Really? No, I'm worried about us not having our own space.
The answer is simple, Karl.
Yeah, talk to her honestly and tell her how I feel.
No, get a shed.
It's just that sometimes I like to turn all the lights out and play Final Fantasy in my pants.
You can do that in a shed.
You know, I've never farted in front of her.
You're not hearing me about this shed, are you? Look, of course you're gonna have to make a few compromises.
Yvette makes me do sit down wees so I don't splash the lino.
I have to go down the pub to watch the football.
But every morning I wake up with the person I love.
Cos I sleep on my own in the shed.
Bet you hear all sorts, don't you? People asking you about their recurring dreams.
Like when all their teeth fall out in Top Shop! - I mean, what is THAT about?! - Yeah.
No, seriously, what's that all about? - Oh, I don't know.
- Oh, cool.
It's not important.
- Ash, as a therapist you can keep a secret, right? - Oh, of course.
Yeah, this is no longer the learning room, think of this as the inner sanctum of trust.
Perhaps I should begin by sharing something private about myself.
Oh, that's really not necessary.
I have a shy testicle.
Does that make you feel more comfortable? Not really.
Basically my boyfriend, Karl, asked me to move in with him - and I said yes but I don't really want to.
- This is good, we're sharing.
He's fantastic, we're just not ready to live together and I don't want to hurt his feelings.
- Honesty is always the best policy.
- I don't know.
He was obviously nervous about asking, he got Janette to do it for him.
If I tell him the truth it's gonna break his heart.
So, what do you think? I think an honest penny is better than a stolen pound.
- What does that mean? - Not sure.
When you're spending as much on sperm as I am you expect in-depth information.
Right, OK.
For instance, number 512, the accountant.
It says here he likes playing sport.
For all I know that could mean darts.
No, I think you should know.
I don't want my baby to be sired by Phil 'The Power' Taylor.
Sorry, I've got to go.
Thank you.
Tea? - Oh, one and a half sugars? - How did you know I wanted extra sugar? You always have extra sugar when you're stressed.
- How do you know I'm stressed? - Chew your pen when you're stressed.
- I haven't been -- - Your lips are blue, you look like a corpse.
- Eww, Trish! - Go and wash it off in the toilets, then.
Honestly, Karl.
You can't hide anything from me.
I know you better than you know yourself.
- Do you want to turn that off? - What? Switch it off or I'm calling security.
Can't hear you, music's too loud.
Security! Can you make people regress to a past life? I've always thought I might have been a gladiator.
I think we might be getting our wires crossed.
- You see, what I do is hypnotherapy.
- Can't you Google it? You can't just Google the power of mind control.
Everyone would be doing, can you imagine? - It would be mayhem! - Absolute madness.
Google mind control.
Turn it off.
Oh, funky little tune.
- Have you got crabs? - Oh, I wish.
Well, this has been delightful.
Good.
Cos she's your first customer.
I'm sure you'll be able to unlock the reasons why SHE can't find work.
Great, well I look forward to -- Cool.
I'll catch you later.
- Hello.
- Hey.
Oh, Karl, while I'm here I just need to ask you a few questions for an HR thing.
Bit boring.
Anyway, question one: Would you say you're in a good state of health? Er Yeah, I suppose.
Any underlying health issues? Asthma, colourblindness? Hypertension? I do sometimes get a blocked ear.
OK, and does that cause complete deafness? Pardon? Good sense of humour.
Of course, I knew that anyway.
- Ever have any dark thoughts? - What? - An urge to kill? - No.
Sorry, is this for HR? That's right, yeah.
It's just a little report.
- How did your grandparents die? - They haven't.
None of them? Oh, wow.
And are they well within themselves? - Well, my nan's got diabetes.
- Type one or two? Mm Type two.
Oh, that's brilliant news.
Karl, I'd like to buy you lunch.
Oh, feel free to order whatever you want.
Have the surf and turf.
It's steak and scampi! Yeah, I was just gonna get a sandwich.
Oh, at least have a side of breaded mushrooms, Karl, for crying out loud! What is this about? Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've come to a decision.
Are Are you giving me the sack? Quite the opposite, actually.
I'm giving you the sack? Hopefully, in a roundabout way.
I am looking for a sperm donor.
But I want to get pregnant the natural way, with a man I trust.
Not a stranger I don't know.
I want a man who's kind and caring, a good listener.
Capable of getting on with all sorts of people from a disabled child to the Prime Minister himself.
You've just described Phillip Schofield.
Pip Scho would be perfect, yes, but no, listen.
I've decided that the erm .
.
perfect man to 'do the deed' .
.
is you.
What do you say? Erm OK.
With the greatest of respect, and I don't want to hurt your feelings or anything, but .
.
fuck off, Trish! You are feeling sleepy.
Your eyes feel heavy and that is absolutely fine.
You are at one with the core of your being.
You're right, this is a load of balls! Paul? I'll be in my office if you change your mind.
I won't.
- You will not believe what just happened.
- Can you tell me later? We need to talk.
Oh, OK.
About moving in together, just gonna be totally honest with you, I .
.
can't.
Oh.
Oh, that is such a shame.
I mean, I'd love to, obviously.
You know I would.
Because you're great and the flat's great and we're great and It just has absolutely nothing to do with you because you are totally great.
- Cool.
- Oh! Great.
Oh, hang on a minute, sorry.
So er why? Why can't you move in with me? Oh, because I can't move in with you well.
The facts of the matter are Is that because Because I am massively in debt.
- Really? - Yeah, drowning in it.
- Up to my eyeballs.
- How much do you owe? - 12 large.
- £12,000? Yeah.
And a half.
Why didn't you tell me? - Because of the shame.
- You don't need to be ashamed, Natalie.
I am your boyfriend and I am gonna make sure that you get expert advice.
So, you've got debt problems? That's right.
Big time.
- Sorry, Karl.
What is this? - This is an intervention, Natalie.
Ash is a psychologist, he can help.
And this debt is the reason why you can't move in with Karl? Yes, Ash.
That is the reason.
Right.
I think now might be the time to be completely honest with Karl.
So, if there's anything that you're not telling him -- I've said everything.
What have you spent twelve and a half grand on? - Gambling.
- What? - What? - Yeah.
Horses, dogs, football.
Hold-up, you know nothing about football.
Exactly, why do you think I'm in so much debt? Right, I think this might be getting a little bit out of hand.
Of course it is.
But when you're on a losing streak you just keep spending more and more to try and make back your losses.
It's hard to know when to walk away.
And when to run.
Come here, come on.
Listen, I am gonna make this right, I promise you.
You don't have to do that.
Can you hear me, Paul? My name is not Paul, my name is Solomon.
- Where are you, Solomon? - In a large field.
- Is it Cannock Chase? - No.
It's hot.
I'm with lots of other people - and we're picking cotton.
- Oh, my good God! I am a slave.
My master treats me cruelly.
How long have you been a slave? 12 years.
Oh, you bugger! I thought I had the gift.
OK, I'll do it.
This whole pregnancy thing.
Let's do it.
But Are you sure? You dropped the erm.
F-Bomb in a pretty major way.
Yeah, sorry about that.
It was a .
.
bit harsh.
Now, this doesn't make me a man whore but I will need paying.
- How much are we talking? - 12 and a half thousand pounds.
How much?! Fine, I'll take a hammer to my piggy bank.
- Plus VAT.
- VAT?! You can't add VAT onto your sperm, Karl.
It's not a luxury item.
Yeah, well We'll waive the VAT.
- When do we do this? - It's got to be tonight, I'm ovulating like a bitch.
How long have you been out of work? Why do you feel the need to be on your phone constantly? Cos Crap Dawn's slagging me off on Facebook.
- Sorry, who's Crap Dawn? - Shit Paul's step sister.
Of course.
Erm Would you describe yourself as a happy person? No, I've just been called potato tits online and it's got 84 likes.
You see, some people use their mobile phones as a defence mechanism.
Look, I get it.
We talk, I cry and you work out the reason I haven't found a job is cos I got diddled by some bloke at Brownies.
Were you diddled by some bloke at Brownies? No.
If anything I made the first move.
I still feel that you're suppressing something, Bryony.
A trauma perhaps? Have you lost anyone close to you? - No.
- A family member? A friend? A pet even? No, dickhead.
I have not lost a member of my family or a friend or a rabbit.
What was the name of rabbit, Bryony? - Snowdrop.
- And what happened to Snowdrop? He fell asleep in the washing machine.
By the time we realised Mum had put him on an extra rinse.
It was too late.
He was dead.
But clean.
- Thank you so much.
- Good luck with the job seeking.
Good luck with your shy testicle.
She is such a sweetheart.
More woman problems? Hm? Women.
Come on, then.
Tell your agony uncle.
Chances are I'd have been through something similar.
Yeah? I'm having sex with an older woman to pay for my girlfriend's illegal gambling expenses.
Oh, that old chestnut.
What are we talking? Over 40 but still naughty or so old there's a danger you'll break her hips? It's Trish.
Christ on a bike, Karl! You're chalking 'em up, in't ya.
- You'll be knocking off Janette next week.
- I have no choice.
Trish thinks I'm a perfect fit to father her child and Natalie's desperate for money.
What would you do in my position? Let's get down to brass tacks.
Keep it simple.
Drop of Asti Spumante, some sparse up-lighting and the Paul Franks lovemaking playlist.
You'll find it on Spotify.
I don't want lovemaking advice, Paul.
I just want to get through it.
I'm worried I'm never gonna get rid of the image of her on me.
So, you've imagined her on top? As have I, my friend.
As have I.
I think the best thing you can do is film the entire thing, show me and I'll help you with the therapy.
I'm really starting to wonder why I come to YOU for advice.
Call me if you need a wing man.
Righty-oh, then.
Get yourself nice and comfy.
Thank you very much.
Would you like something to look at? Build yourself up for the big moment? Now, I'm I'm afraid I don't own any - .
.
pornography.
- That's fine.
I did have a Next Directory somewhere but I think it went in the last recycling.
Oh! What about this? Collingwood Family album.
Ignore the first few pages, that's my parents on a narrow boat in the Fenns but somewhere in the middle oh! Student Trish in Fuengirola.
There's some bikini shots there.
- Well, that should pump your tyres.
- Mm.
I'll just erm get into something more appropriate.
All right? Oh, God, let me die.
Ding ding, round two.
Same again please, Ash.
- OK, only I did get the first round.
- Yeah, it's a tradition here, mate.
- Your first day at work you buy the drinks all night.
- OK.
I'm gonna tell you what I want telepathically.
- Is it another large rose? - God, he's good.
Actually, you may as well get a bottle.
Not a problem.
And Natalie? - Oh, I'll just have a double whiskey.
- OK.
- And a gin and tonic.
- Right.
And a wine.
So great to be part of the team.
- Drowning your sorrows, love? - Mm.
Don't worry, Karl told us.
We've had a little whip round for you.
We've been collecting off the jobseekers all afternoon.
- Oh, God.
- Stay strong, bab.
No, no.
I've lied to Karl.
I never wanted to move in with him.
- It's perfectly understandable.
- No, the gambling thing.
It's not true, none of it.
I don't have gambling debts, I just didn't want to tell him the truth.
- Well, I'm having this back.
- Shit.
- You'd better stop Karl.
- Stop him doing what? - Fathering Trish's baby.
- Why is he doing that? To pay off the 12 and a half grand you didn't spend on a gambling habit you haven't got.
Right, here I am.
Why have you got your bare bottom on my sofa?! Why are you wearing rubber gloves?! I thought this was supposed to be straight middle-aged sex.
Why would we be having sex? You said you wanted to conceive the natural way.
I meant natural as in knowing who the father is, I just want your sperm! Put it away! - Karl! - Mothering Sunday! What on earth are you doing here? - I'm staging an intervention.
- And I'm filming it.
Guess I missed the money shot.
- Karl, you don't need to have sex with Trish.
- I've told him that.
- What about your debt? - I don't have any debt, I lied.
You You did what? I didn't want to move in with you so I lied about the debt.
I almost had sex with Trish, Natalie! For the last time, no, you didn't! I just wanted your tadpoles! Anyway, the deal's off.
There's no way we can procreate.
It's been so long since I've had my ears pinned back I'd almost forgotten.
I'm sorry, Karl, but we can't mix our genes.
Our baby would look like some kind of dwarf BFG.
Absolutely fine with me.
Can I go? Yeah, course.
Don't forget your pants.
- Is that Fuengirola? - Well, I'll see you tomorrow for what I'm sure won't be an uncomfortable day at work.
Paul! - See ya.
- Honestly.
' - Ready for the briefing? - On my way.
- 'Replace the carefully prepared donor sperm' - Oh, whoops.
- Shh! - '.
.
into your uterus close to the time of ovulation.
The freshly harvested sperm is inserted directly' Do you want me to pretend I didn't hear that? No, no.
I'm not ashamed.
I'm embracing my situation, I'm going solo.
Bloody good for you, Trish! It's not ideal, getting pregnant without a sexual partner.
It's a bit like sausage and mash without the mash.
Oh, without the sausage, surely! Because it's like a willy.
Oh, yes! Yes, very good.
Like a willy.
No, no.
It's fine.
You know, you've got to laugh.
I'm buying sperm.
I've got to suck it up and take it on the chin.
Yeah, but mate, you haven't given me much notice.
- 'Because I just found out.
' - But who am I gonna get to move in? - 'I don't know, someone.
' - Oh 'Listen, I'm moving my stuff this week.
You can give me a hand.
' Look, I'll I'll call you later.
OK, bye.
- You all right, my love? - Mm.
Fine thanks, Janette.
I couldn't help overhearing your flatmate's moving out.
Oh, you heard that, did you? Why don't you ask Natalie to move in? Oh, well yeah.
I'd have to think about it.
- That'd be lovely, that, wouldn't it? - Oh, yeah.
Oh, here she is.
Why don't you ask her now? - Ask me what? - Karl's flatmate's moving out and he wants you to move in with him.
Do you? - I I'd love it.
- What do you say? You can You can say no, if you want to.
Why would she say no? She still lives at home with her dad.
- Even I know that's sad.
- Yeah, all right, Janette.
You want to, though, don't you? Be lovely, happy families together.
- That'd be lovely.
- I think that's a yes.
Mm.
OK, word up, everyone.
I'd like to introduce Ash Mourad, he's our new District Work Psychologist.
Hello, everybody.
Ash is here to help people overcome the mental barriers that may be stopping them from working.
And he's here to help our jobseekers too.
Very good.
Excellent banter with the Oh, that's me to a T, isn't it, guys? Ash, why don't you tell everyone how you do the voodoo that you do so well? Also very, very humorous.
But psychology's not voodoo, - it's a highly regarded science of the human mind.
- Yeah, of course.
I'm here to unlock the reasons behind why jobseekers are struggling to get work.
How you gonna do that, then? Oh, lots of different ways, it's actually quite boring! Mm, sounds it.
- Ash sometimes uses hypnotherapy.
- Do you have people running round thinking they're chickens and taking their clothes off? Oh, no.
God knows I've tried, but He's not a stage hypnotist, Jeanette.
It's more like mind-reading.
It's not mind reading, Paul, it's deductive reasoning.
Like Sherlock Holmes.
Well, yeah, I suppose I do look for clues in people.
Brilliant, do Sherlock Holmes on me.
What can you tell about me, eh? This is probably wrong but I would say that you had cornflakes for breakfast? That is genius! How can anybody possibly know that? It's OK, everyone, Ash isn't a performing monkey.
No, no.
This is fun.
Do someone else.
Do someone else.
OK, erm Angela, is it? I've noticed you've got a rather large set of keys on you.
This suggests to me you're the kind of person that likes to be in control, a D type personality.
These types of personality often find it very difficult to empathise with people, often preferring animal contact, possibly cats, because cats can't challenge or judge them.
And - Was I close? - Erm Yeah.
You're in in the right area.
Something troubling you, young Karl? Ah, don't worry.
I don't want to bore you with my problems.
- Fair enough.
- It's Natalie.
- She finally dumped you? - No.
Actually I asked her to move in with me.
Oh, right.
And she said no and you're worried she's gonna dump you? No, she said yes, and I'm worried because we already spend all day together.
Gotcha.
And you think she's gonna get bored of you and THEN dump you? - Paul, I'm not worried she's gonna dump me.
- Really? No, I'm worried about us not having our own space.
The answer is simple, Karl.
Yeah, talk to her honestly and tell her how I feel.
No, get a shed.
It's just that sometimes I like to turn all the lights out and play Final Fantasy in my pants.
You can do that in a shed.
You know, I've never farted in front of her.
You're not hearing me about this shed, are you? Look, of course you're gonna have to make a few compromises.
Yvette makes me do sit down wees so I don't splash the lino.
I have to go down the pub to watch the football.
But every morning I wake up with the person I love.
Cos I sleep on my own in the shed.
Bet you hear all sorts, don't you? People asking you about their recurring dreams.
Like when all their teeth fall out in Top Shop! - I mean, what is THAT about?! - Yeah.
No, seriously, what's that all about? - Oh, I don't know.
- Oh, cool.
It's not important.
- Ash, as a therapist you can keep a secret, right? - Oh, of course.
Yeah, this is no longer the learning room, think of this as the inner sanctum of trust.
Perhaps I should begin by sharing something private about myself.
Oh, that's really not necessary.
I have a shy testicle.
Does that make you feel more comfortable? Not really.
Basically my boyfriend, Karl, asked me to move in with him - and I said yes but I don't really want to.
- This is good, we're sharing.
He's fantastic, we're just not ready to live together and I don't want to hurt his feelings.
- Honesty is always the best policy.
- I don't know.
He was obviously nervous about asking, he got Janette to do it for him.
If I tell him the truth it's gonna break his heart.
So, what do you think? I think an honest penny is better than a stolen pound.
- What does that mean? - Not sure.
When you're spending as much on sperm as I am you expect in-depth information.
Right, OK.
For instance, number 512, the accountant.
It says here he likes playing sport.
For all I know that could mean darts.
No, I think you should know.
I don't want my baby to be sired by Phil 'The Power' Taylor.
Sorry, I've got to go.
Thank you.
Tea? - Oh, one and a half sugars? - How did you know I wanted extra sugar? You always have extra sugar when you're stressed.
- How do you know I'm stressed? - Chew your pen when you're stressed.
- I haven't been -- - Your lips are blue, you look like a corpse.
- Eww, Trish! - Go and wash it off in the toilets, then.
Honestly, Karl.
You can't hide anything from me.
I know you better than you know yourself.
- Do you want to turn that off? - What? Switch it off or I'm calling security.
Can't hear you, music's too loud.
Security! Can you make people regress to a past life? I've always thought I might have been a gladiator.
I think we might be getting our wires crossed.
- You see, what I do is hypnotherapy.
- Can't you Google it? You can't just Google the power of mind control.
Everyone would be doing, can you imagine? - It would be mayhem! - Absolute madness.
Google mind control.
Turn it off.
Oh, funky little tune.
- Have you got crabs? - Oh, I wish.
Well, this has been delightful.
Good.
Cos she's your first customer.
I'm sure you'll be able to unlock the reasons why SHE can't find work.
Great, well I look forward to -- Cool.
I'll catch you later.
- Hello.
- Hey.
Oh, Karl, while I'm here I just need to ask you a few questions for an HR thing.
Bit boring.
Anyway, question one: Would you say you're in a good state of health? Er Yeah, I suppose.
Any underlying health issues? Asthma, colourblindness? Hypertension? I do sometimes get a blocked ear.
OK, and does that cause complete deafness? Pardon? Good sense of humour.
Of course, I knew that anyway.
- Ever have any dark thoughts? - What? - An urge to kill? - No.
Sorry, is this for HR? That's right, yeah.
It's just a little report.
- How did your grandparents die? - They haven't.
None of them? Oh, wow.
And are they well within themselves? - Well, my nan's got diabetes.
- Type one or two? Mm Type two.
Oh, that's brilliant news.
Karl, I'd like to buy you lunch.
Oh, feel free to order whatever you want.
Have the surf and turf.
It's steak and scampi! Yeah, I was just gonna get a sandwich.
Oh, at least have a side of breaded mushrooms, Karl, for crying out loud! What is this about? Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've come to a decision.
Are Are you giving me the sack? Quite the opposite, actually.
I'm giving you the sack? Hopefully, in a roundabout way.
I am looking for a sperm donor.
But I want to get pregnant the natural way, with a man I trust.
Not a stranger I don't know.
I want a man who's kind and caring, a good listener.
Capable of getting on with all sorts of people from a disabled child to the Prime Minister himself.
You've just described Phillip Schofield.
Pip Scho would be perfect, yes, but no, listen.
I've decided that the erm .
.
perfect man to 'do the deed' .
.
is you.
What do you say? Erm OK.
With the greatest of respect, and I don't want to hurt your feelings or anything, but .
.
fuck off, Trish! You are feeling sleepy.
Your eyes feel heavy and that is absolutely fine.
You are at one with the core of your being.
You're right, this is a load of balls! Paul? I'll be in my office if you change your mind.
I won't.
- You will not believe what just happened.
- Can you tell me later? We need to talk.
Oh, OK.
About moving in together, just gonna be totally honest with you, I .
.
can't.
Oh.
Oh, that is such a shame.
I mean, I'd love to, obviously.
You know I would.
Because you're great and the flat's great and we're great and It just has absolutely nothing to do with you because you are totally great.
- Cool.
- Oh! Great.
Oh, hang on a minute, sorry.
So er why? Why can't you move in with me? Oh, because I can't move in with you well.
The facts of the matter are Is that because Because I am massively in debt.
- Really? - Yeah, drowning in it.
- Up to my eyeballs.
- How much do you owe? - 12 large.
- £12,000? Yeah.
And a half.
Why didn't you tell me? - Because of the shame.
- You don't need to be ashamed, Natalie.
I am your boyfriend and I am gonna make sure that you get expert advice.
So, you've got debt problems? That's right.
Big time.
- Sorry, Karl.
What is this? - This is an intervention, Natalie.
Ash is a psychologist, he can help.
And this debt is the reason why you can't move in with Karl? Yes, Ash.
That is the reason.
Right.
I think now might be the time to be completely honest with Karl.
So, if there's anything that you're not telling him -- I've said everything.
What have you spent twelve and a half grand on? - Gambling.
- What? - What? - Yeah.
Horses, dogs, football.
Hold-up, you know nothing about football.
Exactly, why do you think I'm in so much debt? Right, I think this might be getting a little bit out of hand.
Of course it is.
But when you're on a losing streak you just keep spending more and more to try and make back your losses.
It's hard to know when to walk away.
And when to run.
Come here, come on.
Listen, I am gonna make this right, I promise you.
You don't have to do that.
Can you hear me, Paul? My name is not Paul, my name is Solomon.
- Where are you, Solomon? - In a large field.
- Is it Cannock Chase? - No.
It's hot.
I'm with lots of other people - and we're picking cotton.
- Oh, my good God! I am a slave.
My master treats me cruelly.
How long have you been a slave? 12 years.
Oh, you bugger! I thought I had the gift.
OK, I'll do it.
This whole pregnancy thing.
Let's do it.
But Are you sure? You dropped the erm.
F-Bomb in a pretty major way.
Yeah, sorry about that.
It was a .
.
bit harsh.
Now, this doesn't make me a man whore but I will need paying.
- How much are we talking? - 12 and a half thousand pounds.
How much?! Fine, I'll take a hammer to my piggy bank.
- Plus VAT.
- VAT?! You can't add VAT onto your sperm, Karl.
It's not a luxury item.
Yeah, well We'll waive the VAT.
- When do we do this? - It's got to be tonight, I'm ovulating like a bitch.
How long have you been out of work? Why do you feel the need to be on your phone constantly? Cos Crap Dawn's slagging me off on Facebook.
- Sorry, who's Crap Dawn? - Shit Paul's step sister.
Of course.
Erm Would you describe yourself as a happy person? No, I've just been called potato tits online and it's got 84 likes.
You see, some people use their mobile phones as a defence mechanism.
Look, I get it.
We talk, I cry and you work out the reason I haven't found a job is cos I got diddled by some bloke at Brownies.
Were you diddled by some bloke at Brownies? No.
If anything I made the first move.
I still feel that you're suppressing something, Bryony.
A trauma perhaps? Have you lost anyone close to you? - No.
- A family member? A friend? A pet even? No, dickhead.
I have not lost a member of my family or a friend or a rabbit.
What was the name of rabbit, Bryony? - Snowdrop.
- And what happened to Snowdrop? He fell asleep in the washing machine.
By the time we realised Mum had put him on an extra rinse.
It was too late.
He was dead.
But clean.
- Thank you so much.
- Good luck with the job seeking.
Good luck with your shy testicle.
She is such a sweetheart.
More woman problems? Hm? Women.
Come on, then.
Tell your agony uncle.
Chances are I'd have been through something similar.
Yeah? I'm having sex with an older woman to pay for my girlfriend's illegal gambling expenses.
Oh, that old chestnut.
What are we talking? Over 40 but still naughty or so old there's a danger you'll break her hips? It's Trish.
Christ on a bike, Karl! You're chalking 'em up, in't ya.
- You'll be knocking off Janette next week.
- I have no choice.
Trish thinks I'm a perfect fit to father her child and Natalie's desperate for money.
What would you do in my position? Let's get down to brass tacks.
Keep it simple.
Drop of Asti Spumante, some sparse up-lighting and the Paul Franks lovemaking playlist.
You'll find it on Spotify.
I don't want lovemaking advice, Paul.
I just want to get through it.
I'm worried I'm never gonna get rid of the image of her on me.
So, you've imagined her on top? As have I, my friend.
As have I.
I think the best thing you can do is film the entire thing, show me and I'll help you with the therapy.
I'm really starting to wonder why I come to YOU for advice.
Call me if you need a wing man.
Righty-oh, then.
Get yourself nice and comfy.
Thank you very much.
Would you like something to look at? Build yourself up for the big moment? Now, I'm I'm afraid I don't own any - .
.
pornography.
- That's fine.
I did have a Next Directory somewhere but I think it went in the last recycling.
Oh! What about this? Collingwood Family album.
Ignore the first few pages, that's my parents on a narrow boat in the Fenns but somewhere in the middle oh! Student Trish in Fuengirola.
There's some bikini shots there.
- Well, that should pump your tyres.
- Mm.
I'll just erm get into something more appropriate.
All right? Oh, God, let me die.
Ding ding, round two.
Same again please, Ash.
- OK, only I did get the first round.
- Yeah, it's a tradition here, mate.
- Your first day at work you buy the drinks all night.
- OK.
I'm gonna tell you what I want telepathically.
- Is it another large rose? - God, he's good.
Actually, you may as well get a bottle.
Not a problem.
And Natalie? - Oh, I'll just have a double whiskey.
- OK.
- And a gin and tonic.
- Right.
And a wine.
So great to be part of the team.
- Drowning your sorrows, love? - Mm.
Don't worry, Karl told us.
We've had a little whip round for you.
We've been collecting off the jobseekers all afternoon.
- Oh, God.
- Stay strong, bab.
No, no.
I've lied to Karl.
I never wanted to move in with him.
- It's perfectly understandable.
- No, the gambling thing.
It's not true, none of it.
I don't have gambling debts, I just didn't want to tell him the truth.
- Well, I'm having this back.
- Shit.
- You'd better stop Karl.
- Stop him doing what? - Fathering Trish's baby.
- Why is he doing that? To pay off the 12 and a half grand you didn't spend on a gambling habit you haven't got.
Right, here I am.
Why have you got your bare bottom on my sofa?! Why are you wearing rubber gloves?! I thought this was supposed to be straight middle-aged sex.
Why would we be having sex? You said you wanted to conceive the natural way.
I meant natural as in knowing who the father is, I just want your sperm! Put it away! - Karl! - Mothering Sunday! What on earth are you doing here? - I'm staging an intervention.
- And I'm filming it.
Guess I missed the money shot.
- Karl, you don't need to have sex with Trish.
- I've told him that.
- What about your debt? - I don't have any debt, I lied.
You You did what? I didn't want to move in with you so I lied about the debt.
I almost had sex with Trish, Natalie! For the last time, no, you didn't! I just wanted your tadpoles! Anyway, the deal's off.
There's no way we can procreate.
It's been so long since I've had my ears pinned back I'd almost forgotten.
I'm sorry, Karl, but we can't mix our genes.
Our baby would look like some kind of dwarf BFG.
Absolutely fine with me.
Can I go? Yeah, course.
Don't forget your pants.
- Is that Fuengirola? - Well, I'll see you tomorrow for what I'm sure won't be an uncomfortable day at work.
Paul! - See ya.
- Honestly.