The League s03e02 Episode Script

- What do you think, guys? - There it is! Yeah, it's great.
And the airbrushing job's awesome.
It's not airbrushed.
Well, now, your breasts are way fuller in the ad than in real life.
Those aren't airbrushed, Taco, those are the girls.
It could be a push-up bra, but based on lift not only up but out, I doubt it.
And the mole on your left breast is gone.
Unless it's closer to the areola than I Okay.
That's that's enough.
Inappropriate.
What if she's in a terrible accident one day, and someone has to tell them how to put her titties back together? What? I'd do the same for you.
I have a picture of your penis.
Um, excuse me? I don't want you taking any more dick pics of me.
You understand me? Kevin! Does everyone have a dick pic of me? Look at this! What is he doing? There's so many benches.
Why is he picking my bench? Well, he could have chosen any bench, and he chose yours.
He's right up in those titties.
Yeah.
Mmm Whoa, he is motorboating those fakies.
Oh, God.
This season already sucks.
This is not good on my stomach and my bowels, all right? Oh, come on.
I can't talk to Ruxin about the draft order, I can't talk to Andre about the porno Guys.
Oh, hello, gentlemen.
Hey, there.
Hey.
I bring wonderful news to fill your pathetic social calendars.
You're going to be receiving an Evite shortly to a Sukkot party at my house.
A what kind of party? Coat party? Sukkot.
It's the Jewish harvest festival.
We all hang out in this tent thing in my yard.
It's like a Jewish Bonnaroo? Yeah, minus the patcholi and underlying sadness.
All right, so since when does Sophia allow you to celebrate Judaism in your house? No, no, no.
Forget Sophia.
Since when do you allow Judaism in your own house? Uh, trying to get Baby Geoffrey in to a Jewish preschool, and I have to invite Mrs.
Klein over, who runs the school, to make a good impression.
But just be aware don't park in the driveway, because there's a pothole right in front of it that will scrape the tits right off of your car.
Why don't you just call the city and have them fix it? I've called the city 100 times, but they do not care about the plight of the upper- middle-class white suburban male at all.
Yeah, that's because they spend all their time cleaning grfiti off walls in my neighborhood.
That's a city ordinance.
The city has to clean up any dangerous or racially insensitive material ASAP.
There's nothing racially insensitive about a dragon with a chainsaw penis.
Of course there isn't.
Hello! Hey, babe.
Oh Oh, it's getting quiet.
The walk-away.
Here we go.
You have to be very specific.
That aisle is very confusing to me.
Well, is "pearl" a style or a brand? What is it? Oh.
We talking lady stuff? Okay, bye, all right, bye.
Thank you.
Very much.
Jenny's got her period, so it's probably a joy for me at home, and I have to stop and get tampons.
I thought at this point, after all the time you spend together, you'd be on the same cycle.
We do not get our periods at the same time.
Oh, no wait, you and Pete No, I Oh, God.
Forget it.
That never gets old for you, does it? Does a man ever tired of looking at the sunrise when he's balls-deep in Kevin? That's impressive.
How'd you get them out here so fast? What do I owe the pleasure, Pete? Well, I got a trade proposition for you.
Dwayne Bowe for Owen Daniels.
More than fair trade.
Helps everybody.
Would you like to hear my counteroffer? Owen Daniels for LeSean McCoy and Tolbert.
Really? Do, do you really think that's going to work? It's like you trolling around the bar looking for a hand jibber.
Every once in a while, someone says yes.
Were you guys taking trades? Yeah.
How's the sukkah coming along? Oh, it's coming along great, man.
Where did you get that wood? Don't ask.
Look, I'm sensing that there could be like a multi-team trade happening here.
Mm-hmm.
But we're one man short.
That man is Andre.
Yeah.
Well, the problem with Andre is, he won't trade with us unless we go to his apartment.
Where we shot a porno film.
Oh.
Exactly.
I was in the room.
There was so much semen.
Ugh.
I don't want to go.
Oh, but I need a running back! Okay.
I will go, but I'm going to go change my clothes and then throw them in the trash afterwards.
What trash can? Gentlemen, welcome.
Come on in.
S'up? Come on, sit down, take a load off.
You know, I think better on my feet, I'm good, thank you.
My knees don't work.
All right, all right.
Your loss.
And I am now open for any and all Oh, ooh, boy.
Five-second rule, right? Gross.
So what's the uh, the trade proposal? It's a four-way trade, basically.
It would involve the four of us.
It could help everybody's teams out.
No.
I don't trust it.
Look, Taco's in.
I'm in.
Even Ruxin's in.
I'm not I mean, come on, you're not going to make me beg on you, are you? Don't touch me, don't touch me! Calm down, all right? I know that you live on a futon, but just because it's a piece of art doesn't mean we can't sit on it.
I mean, hell, I sleep on this thing.
That's probably drool over here.
Ugh.
Not drool.
Yeah, gotta get that cleaned .
h Look at this.
You left your ring here, Ruxin.
Uh-uh, not mine.
What do you mean, it's not your ring? It says "Ruxin" right on it.
Yeah, it says Ruxin, right? That's definitely your ring.
Yeah, take it back.
No, gross.
Take it.
Kiss the ring.
Yeah, I think you should go ahead.
Ah! There you go, take the ring.
So what's up with the Sacko porno? I got a fax from Dirty Randy.
It's almost done.
A fax? How lovely.
Oh, God.
What? Evite from Ruxin.
Here we go.
Oh, for that Sukkot thing? Sukkot? I don't know what this thing is.
Oh, I have an idea how to roll out the porno.
You know those video billboards on Michigan Avenue? Mm-hmm.
We can play a scene-by-scene ou're driv Oh, my God.
What? Google Earth.
Getting closer, getting closer.
And there he is! Caught on Google Maps.
Oh.
Wow.
Ruxin.
You tag, Ruxin? Wow, we have more in common than I thought.
Probably not even me.
I wish we could get closer somehow.
Uh-oh! Oh Smug face and all, there he is.
I do appreciate you telling me, 'cause I was able to un-send that Evite.
Correct me if I'm wrong here, but that's you, that's a swastika, so that would make you anti-Semitic? You're a self-hating Jew.
First of all, I don't hate myself.
And second, if I did look inward, which I won't, I think we would find that my Judaism would be the least objectionable thing about me.
But that is an egregious hate crime.
It's a hideous act.
You have to be ashamed of yourself.
Oh, ladies, I know we're on that time of the month, but let's just relax a little.
What? What? What? Yeah, she's on her period, right? Yeah.
Yeah.
What? You told me.
Anyway, the street has never looked better.
Can we all agree on that? Well, we have the answer to the equation then.
Problem plus swastika equals problem solved.
Tell that to the Jews.
That's it.
I'm offering a reward.
Any player on my team-- the best team-- for information about what happened in my loft.
Nothing happened in your loft.
Really? You're going crazy.
Nothing happened in my loft.
Oh, I'm going crazy.
Guess what? I contracted thrush.
Thrush? Yeah.
That's a woman's vaginal disease.
I know.
It's a yeast infection.
Oh, my God, it's in your vagina-- this is serious.
I don't have a vagina! If you kept your vagina clean, you wouldn't have thrust.
It's thrush, Taco.
Wait, aren't you supposed to get thrush from sleeping with one? Yes, but that is not possible at this time.
No further comment.
It's the Immaculate Infection.
Yes, it is.
Laugh all you want, but I know none you can pass up a deal.
Anyone on my roster for information.
Any player? Any player.
Timmy Brigg? Yeah, even Timmy Brigg.
You know, oh, no, no! (bleep) you! This is not about me.
I am the accuser.
'Cause I know there be a witch in this town, and you're all suspects, you cowpokes.
And this dark city of Gotham's got a gloomy cloud, 'cause I'm gonna ride my horse right down Main Street.
You're really mixing genres.
Am I? Is that a detective hat or a cowboy hat? It's a modernist porkpie by Juicy, if you must know.
Adios.
Andre, there's no number on this thing.
Should we just contact you at the free health clinic? I will make a hotline and you will call that.
Arrivedei, amigas.
You guys want a drink? Couple Bloody Marys? That's really funny, Ruxin.
Not cool.
Look, he's there.
He's always there, Kevin.
He's ruining my sign.
The good news is he's not motorboating your breasts anymore.
He has done worse.
Really? Yes.
It's where he lives.
You have got to get him to pick another bench.
You want me to kick the homeless guy off the bench? Yes, evict him from my bench.
So not only now will he be homeless, he'll be benchless.
Yes.
I can't do that.
That's not me.
You can do this.
Do it! Fine.
Go.
Please.
Fine.
Go.
Hello.
Hi.
Hi, how-how are you doing? Uh, I'm doing great.
I'm-I'm living on a bench.
I'm sorry, I sh-- that's-- stupid question.
Apologize.
Um, speaking of the bench, would it be possible for me to get you to move off this bench, so that my wife's ad can be seen by everyone? I like this bench.
It's shady and it's upwind from the bush I shit in.
That's important.
That's your wife? Yeah, that's my wife.
She's a beauty, right? Yeah.
She's the floating muse; a dreamscape of femininity.
Look, buddy, I'm sorry that you're, uh, you're down on your luck, all right? My wife's on her period, and she's very, very mean right now, and this bench is all she has.
It would make my life so much easier if you could just find another bench, that's all.
Very mean? Like, you know, just grinding me into the ground.
I been there myself, man.
It's a horrible thing.
Irrational, man.
My ex threw my stuff on the street, 'cause she was having her period.
You got it, man.
I wish you all the best.
I'll get out of here; it's fine.
Don't worry about it.
You rest easy.
You did it.
And that's how we do that.
What did you say to him? I took care of it, man to man.
I just told him, I said, "Hey, man, you're disrespecting my wife.
She's my dreamscape of femininity.
" - What? - Yeah.
You said that? Just came up with it, top of my head.
It was crazy.
Like a warrior poet.
Oh.
Is there, like, a trade embargo that I don't know about? I've literally put out, like, ten trade offers.
No bites, nothing.
I got a couple feelers out there, too, and no one seems to be responding.
It's like everyone's on lockdown or something.
I totally offered you a trade.
You offered me Michael Crabtree for Michael Vick.
I'm not gonna be trade-raped by my own wife.
I'd be so gentle.
Seriously, the real problem here is this whole reward situation that Andre is offering.
You know Ruxin's gonna sing.
He can't help himself.
Ruxin would rat out his own family if he thought it could get him in the playoffs.
Yeah, and then Ruxin is gonna tell Andre about Sexfest 2011 in his condo, and then Andre's gonna get pissed off, and he's gonna tell Ruxin about how we screwed him out of the first pick in the draft.
You are the commissioner; you have to fix this.
I don't want to be the guy who takes the fall for all this-- hold What? Hold on, I got to call you back.
I got a Taco thing happening here.
All right, pick up the pace, little Ellie.
Stop riding me.
Guys, what are you doing? We're building a suck-it! What? Excuse me? The sukkah for the Jewish harvest festival of Sukkot.
Why is it on our front lawn? Taco said we could build it here.
Taco has no jurisdiction at our house, okay? I thought you liked the Jews.
If you don't, we can move it.
Uh, please, we love Jews.
Jews are great.
Jews are great.
Well, Ellie is having a great time with all these hammers and nails, so She's killing it on the electric saw.
Learned in five minutes.
Ellie.
Go in, just watch some TV.
Just go inside, we're gonna start dinner soon, okay? Wash your hands, please.
No promises! You're killing me here.
Nail gun's a two-man job, and this guy's useless.
I want all of this out of my house.
Look, I can't have the party at my house, 'cause people will Google Map it, they'll see the swastika, and they'll think I'm having some sort of suburban Kristallnacht.
And whose fault is that? I would say Hitler, and really, the Poles.
They were the worst of them all.
Okay, enough.
You want to build this here? Fine, but you have to swear that you will never tell Andre about the porno we filmed in his apartment.
Yeah.
Understand me? How dare you.
I'm not kidding, Ruxin.
One word to Andre, and you can pack up this whole Hebrew Habitat for Humanity and send it on to Skid Row.
And by the way, Baby Geoffrey, he can go to public school, too.
What's wrong with public school? Stole this hammer from a public school.
Exactly.
Fine.
"Jenny MacArthur has her period?" Kevin, what did you say to him? But, look, the bum's gone.
How would a bum know that I had my period? I don't, I don't know.
Maybe he's, like, a menstrual medium.
A menstrual medium? Like, he sees menstrually, with cycles and the-the tides in and out and the-the way the moon goes over Are your brain and mouth connected, Kevin? Sometimes.
Sometimes they're not.
You have to fix this, Kevin.
What do you want me to do? I don't care.
I don't know.
- How do you want me to fix this? - I don't know! Just fix it, Kevin! Can you explain to me what happened to the beautiful buxom lass who just wanted to sell houses, huh? Fix it, Kevin.
Just fix it.
All right, come on, guys; we need to talk.
Whoa.
What the hell? Look at this.
Taco, this sukkah is supposed to be for Sukkot.
Yes, and after Sukkot comes Taccot.
What is Taccot? Taccot is an ideal plane of existence where the 12 tribes of Israel come together with people who are high on mushrooms and groove to Aphex Twin.
This is my home.
Yeah, I'll give you all-access passes at a discount rate.
Guys, can we take a seat, please? Sit.
All right, I been thinking about this a lot, and I think our league is lacking something.
A giant.
No, guys, trust.
Every league gets to this point where we've cheated each other so many times over the years, we don't trust each other enough to make a simple trade.
We've crossed the distrust horizon into the land of no trades.
Gee, I wonder who's responsible for that.
You are the Patient Zero of distrust, Pete.
Okay.
I admit it.
But it's t'se for us to clear the air and get a little honesty going, okay? Okay.
What happened in my apartment during the draft? Nothing! Nothing! Nothing.
Did you guys cheat picking the draft order? No! No! No, no.
No.
Nope.
Okay, good.
Now that we're all being honest, I would ke to show you something.
Ooh.
Cute! Mm-hmm.
As you can all see, all of our teams suck.
Some of the lineups aren't even legal.
So in honor of Sukkot, I would like to propose to you what I call the eight-way trade.
Wait-- an eight-way? But Andre's sister's not even here.
Andre's sister? She's not gonna last.
I think I've come up with a plan that everyone will be happy with if we just do this.
Okay, Andre, you're in need of a good defense.
You got, like, four tight ends.
I have four defenses and no tight ends.
Huh.
Kevin, three quarterbacks.
Yeah.
That could help out Taco, and the thing is, you got to start getting rid of some of these kickers.
I like kickers.
They're the toughest.
Jenny, you might need more at wide receiver than just Michael Crabtree.
Ruxin, you could let go of one or two of your wide receivers.
I'm not letting go of anyone good-- no! Package two wide receivers with the Baltimore defense and trade it for.
.
MJD.
I like Maurice Jones-Drew.
I know you do.
Hey, what about me? Haven't forgotten about you, Kevin.
It's good.
It's like a useless Good Will Hunting.
It's still not fair.
Just wait.
Hold on.
You just got a great kicker.
One more move, and it's done.
Do we havee a deal? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Looks pretty good to me.
Sukkot pact, 2011.
All in? All in.
Yeah, I'm in.
Thank you.
How's the big trade coming? What's up? The deadline's Sukkot, so I'm just about to check.
Um, have you seen Andre? Is he here yet? No, I haven't seen him.
Why? The Sacko porno? It's finished? Yes! This is gonna be so epic.
What's gonna be epic? Sukkot! Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
What's up? Shalom.
Shalom! Hey, does this count as a yarmulka? Saw a picture of Ashton Kutcher going into a Kabbalah center rocking one of these, so I figure if he can do it-- pretty kosher, right? Yeah, totally.
Totally kosher.
Yeah.
Let's go check this thing out.
All right, cool.
Cool.
Oh.
Um, I'll meet you guys out at the Sukkot hut.
Hi, Mrs.
Klein.
How are you? Rodney.
Good Yontiff.
Shalom.
Shalom.
have to ask.
How did Jeffrey's evaluation go? Very well.
Very well.
Lovely boy.
Takes after his father.
Mm.
Thank you so much for coming.
I'm sorry about the change of venue.
You know, the city is doing some work outside my house, but the benefit is that we are now able to share a rich Jewish tradition with those less fortunate than us, both financially and spiritually.
Have you met Jenny? No.
Jenny? This is Mrs.
Klein.
Shalom.
Hi.
Thank you for comg.
Absolutely.
So this is your wife? No.
No.
No.
My wife-- she, uh, came down with something, so Catholicism? Oh, look who it is.
Hey, baby.
I want to show everybody the suckit.
Sukkah.
Suckit, suckit.
Sukkah.
No, the-the sukkah.
Sukkah! Let's go.
Okay.
Shalom.
Everything go okay with the trade? Kevin's on it.
It should be done by now.
Hey, where's Sofia? I'm keeping her and her family of conquistadors away until Jeffrey's acceptance into the school.
What's up, my shalom boys? Shabbat shalom.
By the way, hooked up this giant screen to the TV inside, and I got ten hours of Judaica-themed trance music in case this party gets off the hook.
I think this party is not going off the hook.
Oh, are we gonna put people on chairs and do that up-and-down thing? Oh, you very comfortable with that motion, but Yeah, I would be great at it.
Yup.
Everyone, you're invited into the Jew fort.
Ooh, I got wristbands for everybody.
Ooh.
No.
No, no wristbands, okay? Rodney has invited me here today to lead you in the rite of the lulav, which is the celebration of the harvest, and in order to do that, I need four species of plants.
Here you go.
Ordinarily, we use the date palm, the willow Is that what I think it is? and the lemon.
Yeah.
Well, this is my very own harvest, grown in this sukkah hydroponically.
I bet she's never used weed before.
Uh, (bleep) you.
And what are these plants? The bitter herb.
It's an unusual smell.
Okay, let's just go straight to the wine.
Well, no, no, no, no.
- Let-Let him do it.
- This is beautiful.
Blessed art thou, O Lord, our God, king of the universe I didn't realize that sukkah was a high holy day.
who has commanded us to take the lulav.
Amen.
What's that smell? You promise me.
Never smoke the lulav, okay? Okay.
That's how your daddy got your mommy to make you.
I do have a Sukkot presentation for everyone.
No, I don't think that's necessary, Taco.
Oh, don't worry.
It's not a bother.
We should share.
Yes, of course.
Absolutely.
Ellie, you want to do Uncle Taco a littlitfavor? Mm-hmm.
Can you go inside and put the Sukkot DVD in the DVD player, please? Okay.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Huh? Just got an e-mail.
Looks like the trade has gone through.
Yes.
Looks like it is a seven-way trade.
What? Looks like Andre screwed you.
What? Everybody else got their plays except for you.
I think we're just gonna have a quick little chat, if you don't mind.
Excuse us.
But I'm sorry.
Shalom.
Hmm.
No and no.
Why'd you screw me? Okay, what happened to the new honest league? You know what? If we're gonna start over, I wanted to be you.
I wanted to be the patient zero, for once! Let me be patient zero.
That is so wrong on so many levels, I just can't even respond.
"Sacka.
" Open.
Close.
I gave you my trust, and you turn around, and you stab me in the back.
Okay, I would never do that to you! I'm back I'm so tired from such a long day of terrible doctoring.
I've been waiting for you.
Oh, shit.
Well, hello.
Hello.
What is that? That is too early, is what that is.
What are you doing here in my metrosexual loft? Oh, my God! I need a full-body inspection right away.
In my apartment! You know, I have to tell you.
There's been a rash of anti-Semitic graffiti in this neighborhood.
What? And last night, I saw a man paint a swastika on a bench.
- No.
- Oh, yes.
Oh, yeah, this is so right.
Doctor.
Yeah, Dr.
Naughty.
I love your teeth, I love your tummy Is that supposed to be me? Uh, an improved version of you, yeah.
I would never treat my apartment like that.
What about coming clean? Oh, he came clean quite a few times.
On my fainting coach? Oh Oh, God.
It's an antique.
A man just came on my couch.
You are paying for the steam cleaning, and guess what? You're all pornographers.
Every one of you! What is this? *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***