The Nanny s03e02 Episode Script
Franny and the Professor
So, did you have a nice evening? Oh, I'll tell you.
It was a beautiful wedding.
Val and I cried our eyes out.
She made some gorgeous bride, that Dr.
Quinn.
Fran, where's our TV guide? Right here.
Give me your best shot.
Alrighty.
Channel 29.
What follows the Ghost and Mrs.
Muir? That would be Family Affair the episode where Mr.
French accidentally drops Ms.
Beasley off the terrace, followed by the Munsters with Marilyn Number Two, followed by Bewitched with Darrin Number One, but Mrs.
Kravitz Number Two.
Bravo, Miss Fine.
You seem to know more about sixties television than most people your age have forgotten.
Well, are you calling me old or just stupid? You have a childlike quality that I find absolutely charming.
- Childlike? - Just stupid.
Well what does he expect? All I do is talk to kids all day.
You know, if someone would keep their head out of the paper in the morning, maybe I can have an adult conversation.
Oh, look, Dumb & Dumber is playing at the dollar theater.
Alright Miss Fine, you want an adult conversation.
.
.
- Yes I do.
- Let's talk.
Hmm Affirmative action, for or against? Against.
Get rid of affirmative action, those creams don't work.
My mother has been schmering them on her thighs for years, and she still looks like she fell asleep in a wicker chair.
She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens till her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes what was she to do? Where was she to go she was out on her fanny so over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffields' door she was there to sell makeup but the father saw more she had style, she had flair, she was there that's how she became the nanny who would have guessed that the girl we described was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? Now the father finds her beguiling (watch out C.
C.
!) And the kids are actually smiling (such joie de vivre!) She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan The flashy girl from Flushing, the nanny named Fran! Ooh! Now they're unloading a couch.
No, it's a sectional.
No, it's a love seat and a chaise.
- No - Oh, you stop it! You're driving me crazy! Shh! What if the person moving in is a single guy? If he hears you yelling at me, he's gonna think we're married.
I'm sorry, Miss Fine.
I'm just obsessing over something in the newspaper.
Oh, you want to talk about it? No, I don't think it's anything you'd be interested in.
I could fake it.
Wouldn't be the first time.
Well, alright.
It's president Clinton's Renaissance weekend, and I was hoping I'd be invited.
Oh, Renaissance weekend? Boy, Clinton goes to those things? 'Cause I'm thinking tights and a pointy hat is not his best look.
No, Miss Fine, not the Renaissance Faire! The Renaissance weekend.
It's a yearly gathering of the best minds from every walk of life.
They only invite one member of the Broadway community, and you know the one name that's ahead of mine.
Right, who comes before Sheffield? A, b, c, d, e, f r! Phylicia Rashad is before Mr.
Sheffield.
No, Miss Fine, not Phylicia Rashad.
It's Andrew Lloyd Webber! Webber? "W" is before "S"? Boy, and they call me stupid.
Well, it's 12:30.
Where is this brother of you C.
C? Brother? There's a brother coming? Is he short, ugly, and married? No.
Why? Well, then, I got to change.
Nanny fine, please.
He is a full-time professor at Northwestern University.
Well, I don't mind moving down south.
Oh, it'll be so wonderful to see Noel again.
We used to have so much fun.
Every summer he'd take me to the horse show.
Did you ever win? Maxwell, will you put that out? It's stinking up the house.
Oh C.
C.
, I thought you liked cigars.
I meant him.
Oh.
He's here.
Ohh! We were just like best friends! - Sir.
- C.
C.
- Ha ha ha! - Noel! - Yes! - You've been working out.
I smell Lady Stetson.
Mommy gave you this.
She gave you the Beamer.
She gave you the Benz.
C.
C.
, mommy died yesterday.
- What'd you get? - Gotcha! I walked right into that! He used to keep me in stitches with all that "mommy died" stuff.
Oh, yes.
Charming.
Oh, I didn't know we had company.
Isn't anyone going to introduce us? Alright, this is my charming, wealthy, educated brother Noel.
Noel, this is the help.
I'm Dr.
Noel Babcock.
Oh, a teacher and a doctor! Your mother must be kvelling! Miss fine, don't you have something to do? He thinks that I can't handle an adult conversation.
Want a juicy juice? Maybe I'd learn something if I hung out with the Professor.
It worked for Mary Ann and Ginger! Is something going on with Max and the nanny? No! - Huh? - I mean, Maxwell is an educated man.
She went to Nick at Nite school.
C.
C.
, would you like to have some fun? Oh, I thought that was against the law.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
I meant a little wager.
I say the nanny can be taught.
Oh, please don't make me take your money.
This is a woman who thought Clarence Thomas was on the Mod Squad.
Stop it.
You're gonna make me go right here.
My Lamborghini against your prize thoroughbred.
You choose the test.
Well the only thing she knows is television.
I'll make it easy for you.
Get her on Jeopardy! All right.
You're on.
Oh oh oh, I can't wait to get behind the wheel of that car.
And I can't wait to get behind that race horse.
Well, you know what I mean.
Ohhh.
Ohhh.
No, ma, no.
It's not that kind of doctor.
'Cause he is a Ph you can't write prescription, can you? No.
That's what your insurance is for.
Will you just call your H-O-M-O.
Oy.
Fran, you are enchanting.
I don't know why you're insecure about your intelligence.
I mean if you're smart enough to get on Jeopardy! Who got on Jeopardy!? Well C.
C.
told me you'd been on a game show.
So I naturally assumed Oh, please.
Studs.
That's not really a mind game.
No, you got to be a genius to be on Jeopardy! I mean, my own cousin can't get on, and she finds Waldo every week.
I'll bet you could do it.
Nah, I couldn't possibly find Waldo every week, especially in those beach scenes when he's not wearing his shirt.
No.
No.
I meant getting on Jeopardy! Would you like to try a few questions? Ok.
Alex, I love your tie.
What? Alex Trebek, dumb-dumb.
I heard that if you flirt with him, he locks out the other guys' buzzers.
Ooh.
I'm going to be good at this! Right.
Ahem.
Famous monarchs.
Oh, that's easy.
The most famous monarch was the '72 Mercury.
More specifically, the one my ex-boyfriend Danny drove, and I'm the one that made it famous.
And I'm the one that made it famous.
Moving on.
Astronomy.
This is the oldest body orbiting the sun.
What is William Shatner? Oh, my head.
Aw, you know, the same thing happens to Mr.
Sheffield.
Gee, it must be something in this room.
- Fran? - Yes.
Would you mind if we pick this up tomorrow? Oh, sure.
Sure.
No problem.
There's a set of steel-belted radials I've got to stop payment on.
Bye, Noel.
Thank you.
Did Noel leave? Oh, I'm sorry I missed him.
Well, I miss him, too.
It's nice to have a man around who notices my inane intelligence.
Miss fine, I noticed that when you first threw a penny in the bidet and made a wish.
Oh, don't try and get on my good side, mister.
For your information, Noel finds me stimulating.
Believe me, it's not your mind that's aroused his interest.
You know, there is only one explanation for your negativity.
Oh, please.
You think I'm jealous of Noel? That makes two.
You just don't want me to reach my full potential.
You want to keep me in that kitchen barefoot and pregnant.
You're the one who wanted to have children! You even made it your full-time job! Oh, God.
What am I saying? Meanwhile, Professor Noel Babcock, Ph.
D.
, thinks that I'm smart enough to get on Jeopardy! How do you like that? - Jeopardy? - Uh-huh.
Oh.
Remind me what night does that tape.
I should leave it open.
No.
As a matter of fact, I should block out the entire week.
They ask the champion back, you know? That's right.
And let's hope that it's not on the same night as Clinton's Renaissance weekend.
Oh, look.
It doesn't matter because you're not invited.
- Let me see that.
- No.
It could be a category on Jeopardy! Member of the Broadway community who is invited to the Renaissance weekend.
Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Sorry.
That is incorrect.
Really? The correct response would be who is Andrew Lloyd Webber? It's no good, Niles.
I can't concentrate.
It's too bloody quiet.
What on earth's missing? Well, perhaps this will help, sir.
Oh, Mr.
Sheffield.
That's it, Niles.
Miss fine's not here.
Just trying to fill your void, sir.
It's obvious you miss her.
I most certainly do not.
I'm just wondering where she is, what she's doing, which is entirely different from missing her.
What? Oh, nothing, sir.
I was just wondering how you ended up there, and I ended up here.
Seems wrong somehow.
She's probably with Noel.
You know, Niles, that relationship doesn't make any sense.
I mean what on earth does he want with her? Sir, is it beyond your comprehension that an intelligent man of the world could find Miss Fine intellectually stimulating? No, really, Niles.
Oh, all right.
It's a bet.
Miss Babcock's brother bet her that he could get Miss Fine on Jeopardy! A bet.
I knew he had an ulterior motive.
So you're not going to rub Miss Fine's nose in it, are you? Of course not.
Is that her? Now, sir.
Oh, hello.
Didn't hear you come in.
Oh, Mr.
Sheffield, guess what? I passed the test.
I'm going to be on Jeopardy! Would you look at her? She's so happy for me.
I paid $200,000 for that stallion.
I hope he paid for the room.
Fran, I am so proud of you.
Your thirsty mind soaked up all that knowledge like a little sponge.
Now if you'll excuse me.
I have to see a man about a horse.
You passed the test? Yes.
You see, that is the difference between you and Noel.
He thinks I'm a sponge.
Are you through, Miss Fine? - Because I - No, you know, you're so smart and powerful.
Everybody always listens to everything you have to say.
- Well, Miss Fine - Wait.
I'm talking.
We both know that I'm not as smart or cultured as you are.
I mean, remember when I first moved here and you asked me where was the cabernet.
And what did I say? Next to cabin B.
Although I never did take Spanish.
Oh Mr.
Sheffield, you have no idea what gaining the respect from a man like Noel means to a girl like me.
Now what was it you wanted to say? Good luck on Jeopardy!, Miss Fine.
Ohhh.
Thank you, Mr.
Sheffield.
Now I gotta go call my mother 'cause nobody in my family has been on a game show since my cousin ira was queen for a day.
Ok.
Questions, kids.
Drill me.
Ok, Fran.
The category is pot-pourri.
Things that smell good, things you put in a dish.
No, Fran, Fran.
That's the pyramid.
What is Egypt? You're running out of time.
I'll solve the puzzle! Miss Fine.
What is a nanny? Things that are single.
Calm down.
Calm down.
There are plenty of other contestants.
They're all backups.
You don't have to go on.
Are you kidding me? I already cut the tags out of this dress.
I'm definitely going on.
- Five minutes! - Oh! Oh! Oh! Break a leg.
Fran, you look so beautiful.
Oh, thanks, sweetie.
But, you know, beauty is not what's important here.
It's brains that count.
Oh, hey, you.
I want that same filter that they used on Liz for the White Diamonds commercial.
Before we continue, let's recap the scores.
We have henrietta at $4,600, Stewart next at 4,700, and Fran close behind at minus 1,300.
But, Fran, please don't get discouraged.
Oh, I'm fine, Alex.
I'm just getting my taste buds ready for my year's supply of Chico-San rice cakes.
Good for you.
Stewart, you gave me the last correct response, so you have control of the board.
Thank you, Alex.
By the way, nice tie.
Oh, please.
I'll take inventors for 400, please.
Answer.
The name Thomas, was made famous in 1880, for this household invention.
Stewart? What is the light bulb? No.
I'm sorry.
That's incorrect.
Henrietta.
What is the phonograph? No.
That, too, is incorrect.
Fran, would you like to try? Huh? The name Thomas was made famous in What is the fork-split English muffin? That's absolutely right.
Come on, people.
In 1875 Mr.
Thomas left England and closed his shop up for good to come to our country.
Believe it or not, you're now in control of the board.
Oh! I'll pick food facts for $200.
Alex.
The answer is a daily double.
I'll bet $1,000, Alex.
Answer.
"Though usually associated with red beets, this east European soup" - Fran.
- What is borscht? You're absolutely right.
Congratulations.
And that sound means time now for our final Jeopardy! Here is the final Jeopardy! answer.
"This city was incorporated into the Roman Empire in 30 B.
C.
after the suicide of Cleopatra.
" Good luck.
Oh.
Dropped my earring.
Dropped my earring.
Whoa, Nellie.
Oh! Found it! Found it.
Found the earring.
- What's going on? I found the earring.
I found the earring, is the thing.
All right, contestants.
Time's up.
Henrietta, what did you write down as your question? "What is Macedonia?" I'm sorry.
That's wrong.
What was your wager? And that takes you all the way down to zero.
Enjoy the home game, honey.
Well, now let's go to Stewart.
His response was "What is Cairo?" And, unfortunately, he, too, is wrong.
Your wager, please, Stewart, was $4199.
That takes you down to $101.
Still like his tie, Stewie? - Fran.
- Well, my mother and I were on our way to Israel on El Al, and who was sitting next to us but Diana Kind, aka Barbra Streisand's mother, in coach! They got a lot of unresolved issues, those two.
- On her way to see the pyramids in Giza - So your response is Giza? No, Mr.
In-a-Hurry.
But talking about Streisand and Egypt reminded me of Omar Sharif, who, according to my Funny Girl trivia book, was not the first actor cast - in the role of Nicky Arnstein, but - Miss Fine! What is Alexandria? That's right.
You double your score to 200.
Fran Fine is the new Jeopardy! Champion.
Hello, Jeopardy!? Yeah.
I wanna talk to you about my Rice-A-Ronis.
Well, according to my calculations, I got six Herb & Butter, six Broccoli Au Gratin, but only five White Cheddar & Her.
Now, someone over there ain't so smart.
Isn't that ironic? Oh, cheer up, Miss Fine.
You won one game.
You don't have to be the returning champion.
I like you just the way you are.
Oh, thanks Mr.
Sheffield, but if you ever saw me just the way I am, you wouldn't recognize me.
Oh, look who's here.
Hi, Roger.
Sheffield, you remember Roger Clinton, the President's brother.
- Of course.
- Hi.
- Good to see you.
- Nice to see you.
It's amazing you found the time to drop by, what with your brother's job and all.
Uh, Roger is the guy that's renting the townhouse next door.
Just till November '96.
Then I'm buying it.
Listen, I just stopped by 'cause my brother wanted me to give you this in person.
It's an invitation to the Renaissance weekend.
Oh, now you see? You did get invited.
It must have been a big oversight.
Oh, thanks so much Roger.
You are a doll.
Gee, I saw that gorgious canape-bed that they were delivering to your townhouse, it looks just like the one in the Lincoln bedroom.
Not after I paint it white.
He's a riot.
Miss Fine, did you did you have something to do with this? Oh please, Mr.
Sheffield.
I can't even get Brighton to put his dirty underwear in the hamper, you think I can influence the President of the United States of America? Meanwhile, I think you should pick up a corsage.
You're taking out Janet Reno tonight.
It was a beautiful wedding.
Val and I cried our eyes out.
She made some gorgeous bride, that Dr.
Quinn.
Fran, where's our TV guide? Right here.
Give me your best shot.
Alrighty.
Channel 29.
What follows the Ghost and Mrs.
Muir? That would be Family Affair the episode where Mr.
French accidentally drops Ms.
Beasley off the terrace, followed by the Munsters with Marilyn Number Two, followed by Bewitched with Darrin Number One, but Mrs.
Kravitz Number Two.
Bravo, Miss Fine.
You seem to know more about sixties television than most people your age have forgotten.
Well, are you calling me old or just stupid? You have a childlike quality that I find absolutely charming.
- Childlike? - Just stupid.
Well what does he expect? All I do is talk to kids all day.
You know, if someone would keep their head out of the paper in the morning, maybe I can have an adult conversation.
Oh, look, Dumb & Dumber is playing at the dollar theater.
Alright Miss Fine, you want an adult conversation.
.
.
- Yes I do.
- Let's talk.
Hmm Affirmative action, for or against? Against.
Get rid of affirmative action, those creams don't work.
My mother has been schmering them on her thighs for years, and she still looks like she fell asleep in a wicker chair.
She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens till her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes what was she to do? Where was she to go she was out on her fanny so over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffields' door she was there to sell makeup but the father saw more she had style, she had flair, she was there that's how she became the nanny who would have guessed that the girl we described was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? Now the father finds her beguiling (watch out C.
C.
!) And the kids are actually smiling (such joie de vivre!) She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan The flashy girl from Flushing, the nanny named Fran! Ooh! Now they're unloading a couch.
No, it's a sectional.
No, it's a love seat and a chaise.
- No - Oh, you stop it! You're driving me crazy! Shh! What if the person moving in is a single guy? If he hears you yelling at me, he's gonna think we're married.
I'm sorry, Miss Fine.
I'm just obsessing over something in the newspaper.
Oh, you want to talk about it? No, I don't think it's anything you'd be interested in.
I could fake it.
Wouldn't be the first time.
Well, alright.
It's president Clinton's Renaissance weekend, and I was hoping I'd be invited.
Oh, Renaissance weekend? Boy, Clinton goes to those things? 'Cause I'm thinking tights and a pointy hat is not his best look.
No, Miss Fine, not the Renaissance Faire! The Renaissance weekend.
It's a yearly gathering of the best minds from every walk of life.
They only invite one member of the Broadway community, and you know the one name that's ahead of mine.
Right, who comes before Sheffield? A, b, c, d, e, f r! Phylicia Rashad is before Mr.
Sheffield.
No, Miss Fine, not Phylicia Rashad.
It's Andrew Lloyd Webber! Webber? "W" is before "S"? Boy, and they call me stupid.
Well, it's 12:30.
Where is this brother of you C.
C? Brother? There's a brother coming? Is he short, ugly, and married? No.
Why? Well, then, I got to change.
Nanny fine, please.
He is a full-time professor at Northwestern University.
Well, I don't mind moving down south.
Oh, it'll be so wonderful to see Noel again.
We used to have so much fun.
Every summer he'd take me to the horse show.
Did you ever win? Maxwell, will you put that out? It's stinking up the house.
Oh C.
C.
, I thought you liked cigars.
I meant him.
Oh.
He's here.
Ohh! We were just like best friends! - Sir.
- C.
C.
- Ha ha ha! - Noel! - Yes! - You've been working out.
I smell Lady Stetson.
Mommy gave you this.
She gave you the Beamer.
She gave you the Benz.
C.
C.
, mommy died yesterday.
- What'd you get? - Gotcha! I walked right into that! He used to keep me in stitches with all that "mommy died" stuff.
Oh, yes.
Charming.
Oh, I didn't know we had company.
Isn't anyone going to introduce us? Alright, this is my charming, wealthy, educated brother Noel.
Noel, this is the help.
I'm Dr.
Noel Babcock.
Oh, a teacher and a doctor! Your mother must be kvelling! Miss fine, don't you have something to do? He thinks that I can't handle an adult conversation.
Want a juicy juice? Maybe I'd learn something if I hung out with the Professor.
It worked for Mary Ann and Ginger! Is something going on with Max and the nanny? No! - Huh? - I mean, Maxwell is an educated man.
She went to Nick at Nite school.
C.
C.
, would you like to have some fun? Oh, I thought that was against the law.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
I meant a little wager.
I say the nanny can be taught.
Oh, please don't make me take your money.
This is a woman who thought Clarence Thomas was on the Mod Squad.
Stop it.
You're gonna make me go right here.
My Lamborghini against your prize thoroughbred.
You choose the test.
Well the only thing she knows is television.
I'll make it easy for you.
Get her on Jeopardy! All right.
You're on.
Oh oh oh, I can't wait to get behind the wheel of that car.
And I can't wait to get behind that race horse.
Well, you know what I mean.
Ohhh.
Ohhh.
No, ma, no.
It's not that kind of doctor.
'Cause he is a Ph you can't write prescription, can you? No.
That's what your insurance is for.
Will you just call your H-O-M-O.
Oy.
Fran, you are enchanting.
I don't know why you're insecure about your intelligence.
I mean if you're smart enough to get on Jeopardy! Who got on Jeopardy!? Well C.
C.
told me you'd been on a game show.
So I naturally assumed Oh, please.
Studs.
That's not really a mind game.
No, you got to be a genius to be on Jeopardy! I mean, my own cousin can't get on, and she finds Waldo every week.
I'll bet you could do it.
Nah, I couldn't possibly find Waldo every week, especially in those beach scenes when he's not wearing his shirt.
No.
No.
I meant getting on Jeopardy! Would you like to try a few questions? Ok.
Alex, I love your tie.
What? Alex Trebek, dumb-dumb.
I heard that if you flirt with him, he locks out the other guys' buzzers.
Ooh.
I'm going to be good at this! Right.
Ahem.
Famous monarchs.
Oh, that's easy.
The most famous monarch was the '72 Mercury.
More specifically, the one my ex-boyfriend Danny drove, and I'm the one that made it famous.
And I'm the one that made it famous.
Moving on.
Astronomy.
This is the oldest body orbiting the sun.
What is William Shatner? Oh, my head.
Aw, you know, the same thing happens to Mr.
Sheffield.
Gee, it must be something in this room.
- Fran? - Yes.
Would you mind if we pick this up tomorrow? Oh, sure.
Sure.
No problem.
There's a set of steel-belted radials I've got to stop payment on.
Bye, Noel.
Thank you.
Did Noel leave? Oh, I'm sorry I missed him.
Well, I miss him, too.
It's nice to have a man around who notices my inane intelligence.
Miss fine, I noticed that when you first threw a penny in the bidet and made a wish.
Oh, don't try and get on my good side, mister.
For your information, Noel finds me stimulating.
Believe me, it's not your mind that's aroused his interest.
You know, there is only one explanation for your negativity.
Oh, please.
You think I'm jealous of Noel? That makes two.
You just don't want me to reach my full potential.
You want to keep me in that kitchen barefoot and pregnant.
You're the one who wanted to have children! You even made it your full-time job! Oh, God.
What am I saying? Meanwhile, Professor Noel Babcock, Ph.
D.
, thinks that I'm smart enough to get on Jeopardy! How do you like that? - Jeopardy? - Uh-huh.
Oh.
Remind me what night does that tape.
I should leave it open.
No.
As a matter of fact, I should block out the entire week.
They ask the champion back, you know? That's right.
And let's hope that it's not on the same night as Clinton's Renaissance weekend.
Oh, look.
It doesn't matter because you're not invited.
- Let me see that.
- No.
It could be a category on Jeopardy! Member of the Broadway community who is invited to the Renaissance weekend.
Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Sorry.
That is incorrect.
Really? The correct response would be who is Andrew Lloyd Webber? It's no good, Niles.
I can't concentrate.
It's too bloody quiet.
What on earth's missing? Well, perhaps this will help, sir.
Oh, Mr.
Sheffield.
That's it, Niles.
Miss fine's not here.
Just trying to fill your void, sir.
It's obvious you miss her.
I most certainly do not.
I'm just wondering where she is, what she's doing, which is entirely different from missing her.
What? Oh, nothing, sir.
I was just wondering how you ended up there, and I ended up here.
Seems wrong somehow.
She's probably with Noel.
You know, Niles, that relationship doesn't make any sense.
I mean what on earth does he want with her? Sir, is it beyond your comprehension that an intelligent man of the world could find Miss Fine intellectually stimulating? No, really, Niles.
Oh, all right.
It's a bet.
Miss Babcock's brother bet her that he could get Miss Fine on Jeopardy! A bet.
I knew he had an ulterior motive.
So you're not going to rub Miss Fine's nose in it, are you? Of course not.
Is that her? Now, sir.
Oh, hello.
Didn't hear you come in.
Oh, Mr.
Sheffield, guess what? I passed the test.
I'm going to be on Jeopardy! Would you look at her? She's so happy for me.
I paid $200,000 for that stallion.
I hope he paid for the room.
Fran, I am so proud of you.
Your thirsty mind soaked up all that knowledge like a little sponge.
Now if you'll excuse me.
I have to see a man about a horse.
You passed the test? Yes.
You see, that is the difference between you and Noel.
He thinks I'm a sponge.
Are you through, Miss Fine? - Because I - No, you know, you're so smart and powerful.
Everybody always listens to everything you have to say.
- Well, Miss Fine - Wait.
I'm talking.
We both know that I'm not as smart or cultured as you are.
I mean, remember when I first moved here and you asked me where was the cabernet.
And what did I say? Next to cabin B.
Although I never did take Spanish.
Oh Mr.
Sheffield, you have no idea what gaining the respect from a man like Noel means to a girl like me.
Now what was it you wanted to say? Good luck on Jeopardy!, Miss Fine.
Ohhh.
Thank you, Mr.
Sheffield.
Now I gotta go call my mother 'cause nobody in my family has been on a game show since my cousin ira was queen for a day.
Ok.
Questions, kids.
Drill me.
Ok, Fran.
The category is pot-pourri.
Things that smell good, things you put in a dish.
No, Fran, Fran.
That's the pyramid.
What is Egypt? You're running out of time.
I'll solve the puzzle! Miss Fine.
What is a nanny? Things that are single.
Calm down.
Calm down.
There are plenty of other contestants.
They're all backups.
You don't have to go on.
Are you kidding me? I already cut the tags out of this dress.
I'm definitely going on.
- Five minutes! - Oh! Oh! Oh! Break a leg.
Fran, you look so beautiful.
Oh, thanks, sweetie.
But, you know, beauty is not what's important here.
It's brains that count.
Oh, hey, you.
I want that same filter that they used on Liz for the White Diamonds commercial.
Before we continue, let's recap the scores.
We have henrietta at $4,600, Stewart next at 4,700, and Fran close behind at minus 1,300.
But, Fran, please don't get discouraged.
Oh, I'm fine, Alex.
I'm just getting my taste buds ready for my year's supply of Chico-San rice cakes.
Good for you.
Stewart, you gave me the last correct response, so you have control of the board.
Thank you, Alex.
By the way, nice tie.
Oh, please.
I'll take inventors for 400, please.
Answer.
The name Thomas, was made famous in 1880, for this household invention.
Stewart? What is the light bulb? No.
I'm sorry.
That's incorrect.
Henrietta.
What is the phonograph? No.
That, too, is incorrect.
Fran, would you like to try? Huh? The name Thomas was made famous in What is the fork-split English muffin? That's absolutely right.
Come on, people.
In 1875 Mr.
Thomas left England and closed his shop up for good to come to our country.
Believe it or not, you're now in control of the board.
Oh! I'll pick food facts for $200.
Alex.
The answer is a daily double.
I'll bet $1,000, Alex.
Answer.
"Though usually associated with red beets, this east European soup" - Fran.
- What is borscht? You're absolutely right.
Congratulations.
And that sound means time now for our final Jeopardy! Here is the final Jeopardy! answer.
"This city was incorporated into the Roman Empire in 30 B.
C.
after the suicide of Cleopatra.
" Good luck.
Oh.
Dropped my earring.
Dropped my earring.
Whoa, Nellie.
Oh! Found it! Found it.
Found the earring.
- What's going on? I found the earring.
I found the earring, is the thing.
All right, contestants.
Time's up.
Henrietta, what did you write down as your question? "What is Macedonia?" I'm sorry.
That's wrong.
What was your wager? And that takes you all the way down to zero.
Enjoy the home game, honey.
Well, now let's go to Stewart.
His response was "What is Cairo?" And, unfortunately, he, too, is wrong.
Your wager, please, Stewart, was $4199.
That takes you down to $101.
Still like his tie, Stewie? - Fran.
- Well, my mother and I were on our way to Israel on El Al, and who was sitting next to us but Diana Kind, aka Barbra Streisand's mother, in coach! They got a lot of unresolved issues, those two.
- On her way to see the pyramids in Giza - So your response is Giza? No, Mr.
In-a-Hurry.
But talking about Streisand and Egypt reminded me of Omar Sharif, who, according to my Funny Girl trivia book, was not the first actor cast - in the role of Nicky Arnstein, but - Miss Fine! What is Alexandria? That's right.
You double your score to 200.
Fran Fine is the new Jeopardy! Champion.
Hello, Jeopardy!? Yeah.
I wanna talk to you about my Rice-A-Ronis.
Well, according to my calculations, I got six Herb & Butter, six Broccoli Au Gratin, but only five White Cheddar & Her.
Now, someone over there ain't so smart.
Isn't that ironic? Oh, cheer up, Miss Fine.
You won one game.
You don't have to be the returning champion.
I like you just the way you are.
Oh, thanks Mr.
Sheffield, but if you ever saw me just the way I am, you wouldn't recognize me.
Oh, look who's here.
Hi, Roger.
Sheffield, you remember Roger Clinton, the President's brother.
- Of course.
- Hi.
- Good to see you.
- Nice to see you.
It's amazing you found the time to drop by, what with your brother's job and all.
Uh, Roger is the guy that's renting the townhouse next door.
Just till November '96.
Then I'm buying it.
Listen, I just stopped by 'cause my brother wanted me to give you this in person.
It's an invitation to the Renaissance weekend.
Oh, now you see? You did get invited.
It must have been a big oversight.
Oh, thanks so much Roger.
You are a doll.
Gee, I saw that gorgious canape-bed that they were delivering to your townhouse, it looks just like the one in the Lincoln bedroom.
Not after I paint it white.
He's a riot.
Miss Fine, did you did you have something to do with this? Oh please, Mr.
Sheffield.
I can't even get Brighton to put his dirty underwear in the hamper, you think I can influence the President of the United States of America? Meanwhile, I think you should pick up a corsage.
You're taking out Janet Reno tonight.